I am not a special moment
I am not ground hog's day
I am not a solar eclipse
Or a sky full of shooting starts
I am not 11:11
I am something else

I am a quiet back street
In early afternoon
I'm pavement you've walked over
A thousand times
I'm an inner city courtyard
Behind some fast food joint
Rose brick walls and a cherry tree

I'm your daily commute
I'm the pattern of the tiles
On your childhood bathroom wall
I'm the scars you trace unconsciously
Scars from scabbed knees
I am rolling over in your sleep
I'm the goosebumps you get
From your second favourite movie
I'm frozen peas

I am a blank sky
I am old sheets
I am chapstick and spare house keys
I'm the little statue in your front yard
On a partly cloudy afternoon
I'm a moment with your head back
Chewing gum in your car
Sitting alone in a Target parking lot
I'm the days between seeing your friends
I'm the scent of your shampoo
The sound of rain outside your first lover's room
I'm your lukewarm nights, your easier goodbyes
I'm white lies

I'm 4:23 PM drinking soda
By the window, on your back porch
I'm the dreams you had when you were three years old
The things you don't even remember anymore
I'm crickets
On a late summer night
I'm the tick of lofi music
Humming over your headphones
I'm everything you stand for

Where are you right now?
Halfway through
To glassy panels
Sitting alone
Might I find you
Lost in letters
Of things I never wrote

Does the same moon
Rise upon you?
Hoary in the night
Glistening alone
Is my face
Lost in craters
Miles away

Do phantom scents
Haunt your walls
As your breathing does
For me alone
Or am I
For you lost
To be found

Will I ever find
What I'm looking for

What if I showed you all the poems I wrote
Would you taste the asphalt
I felt
As I sat and scribed
Would you see the graffiti
The street signs, city life
Would it mean anything

Renegades
Passing days
Falling apart
In harmony
A catalytic
Cacophony
Of ugly words
And her
Disastrous
Poetry

Laying in bed
The heater set to 65
Cat on my lap and the door cracked open
Browsing online
Watching ****** youtube videos
on r/maliciouscompliance
Things could be worse
Things could be so much worse

Drained
But somehow still nervous
Dancing on the edge
Of finally finding
My purpose

Sexuality is beautiful
It's the blossom of life
Painted deep beneath the trees
Stretching down past
The roots of our ancestors
But it's not in me
Not in my mind, at least
It's embedded in my bones
I breathe it and I sleep with it
But it does not haunt my dreams
Even when I'm touched
My mind remains wholly detached
Lost in my thoughts
Safe and locked inside my skull

I know things are bad when I start dreaming about someone.
Not even good dreams,
Just dreams.
Dreams spark things.
Dreams start things.

Step one
Make a friend
Get over your irrational fear
Of all other humans

Step two
Overshare
Tell them your life story
On the second day
Hope that they won't leave you

Step three
Worry
Every time you aren't there
You're probably being replaced
Your friend seems to like you
But everyone does at first

Step four
Beat yourself up
If you've been replaced
Then good for them
You were never good enough anyways
They have every right
To leave you behind

Step five
Push away
They don't need you
So they probably don't want you
They're only still here
Because they pity you
Or they don't know how to dump you
Do it for them

Step six
Wallow
You don't have anyone anymore
And you never will
Because you are never enough
For anyone
You did a good thing by leaving them
No one wanted you there
In the first place

Step seven
Placate
You lost your friends
But that's okay
You don't need friends anyways
And they certainly
Don't need you
You're just fine all by yourself
You're happier being alone
Right?

Step eight
Make a friend
Ger over your irrational fear
Of all other humans

It's a funny thing
Looking back
On a moment
That could've been
The last
It's funny when it
All comes down to
That single second
Where the current
Threatens
To pull you under
And then it lets go
And you can float
Among the broken boards
The damage from
The storm
Drifting in the
Aftermath

And that's when it hits
Everything
That's been held up by strings
Crashes down
Around my feet
I'm lost
Again
In the same old maze
Of belated happenings
And the skies
That we made
Will keep fading away
To show me the blackness
Behind my eyes
If I sit here long enough
Star gazing past the sun
It will assuredly
Occur to me
That the only way out
Is into space

Big brother
Where art thou?
In the coiling mess of confusion
Bloodied wrists and sunsets
Have you already forgotten?

Big brother
Feel my pain
Set me free to roam
Bathe me in ecstasy
Or let me fall

Big brother
Love your neighbor as you love yourself
Give
Give your life
Why do you hide from them?

Big brother
What is the veil you wear?
Dancing where I cannot see
Where I cannot roam
Scattered across the globe

Big brother
Forgive me for I have
Lost all hope and direction
Gotten swept away in the current
There is no love

Big brother
Hold her close with starry arms
And metaphysical limbs
Love her in the pages
Spread like a seed

Big brother
I do not love you
The leaves on the trees come to the ground
Is that the last bow of nature?
Or an unspectacular event?

Too many thoughts
Are living in my mind
Competing for a spot
In the light
I can't do it all
I don't remember his name
But I guess that I
Might love him anyways
I fall so easy
And so **** hard
When I land
I'll be bruised
Maybe he'll leave a scar
That I can trace
A physical memory
That I can't erase
Not that I'd choose
To forget about you
Anyways

I want a tattoo
And a bathroom
With nice towels
And some good drapes
The solid kind
You order online
Not the ones
You buy from IKEA
I want a wife
But only
If she wants me
And a beautiful
Dog with a big
Fuzzy tail and a
Heart full of love
I want a trampoline
I don't need a
Big family
Just someone to
Hold me up and
To hold up
In return
I want to shave my head
And pierce my nose
And go to college
Where I want to go
I want to garden
Grow my own food
I want to learn
A lot
I guess
How to dye hair
How to sew
I would have a
Full closet of
Victorian clothes
If I could sew
I'd like to travel
A lot of places
Germany, Russia
Japan, Maine
There's so many things
I want right now
And that's okay

I guess I'm alone again
It's okay
This isn't new for me
That doesn't make it hurt
Any less

I've never heard you laugh harder
Than when you are away from me
I've never seen you smile wider
Than when you're getting ready to leave

It's okay
It's okay
I'm okay

Can I be outside
Trapped in a toilet chamber
Alone
And it's funny
To everyone but me
Nobody knows
I guess it's not funny at all

I don't like to be alone
I'm scared of people
And I'm wondering
Who locked the door on humanity
When I was still outside
Lost in this garden
Smelling the roses

I'll knock but there will be no answer
See my people through portholes
Pray for someone else who
Likes nighttime walks
And midnight talks
To come outside
And see me for once

Sit back down on my throne
Hunch over
Resign myself to being alone
I scream into the void
Of the night to no answer
There is no hope in opening a door
That I locked myself

You’re loud
And demanding
Sit on my lap then walk away
Knock over the mail and
Laugh at me
You love to make a mess
And sit on my desk
But you refuse
To make yourself at home in my bed
You are strange
Chew on a strand of grass
And stare at the sky
Run my fingers through your hair
Black and soft like velvet
I’ve known you for years
And loved you every one
Brush the back of my hand
Make me smile
You are the best friend
I could ever know
But you will never speak to me
Because you are a cat

Cold evening
Setting out late
By the water
Who knows what lies there
Buried by waves
Thousands of moon
Created
I run and
I run alone

The wind is a frightful thing
It dribbles through my fingers
As I run
Cold legs kicking up
Not quite numb
The air is a tangible thing
In my hands
Try as I might
I cannot grasp it

Water laps gently
Like a stately cat
In the sunshine
At the edges of my mind
Sometimes I think I’m dreaming
I’ll never wake up
It is not a bad fantasy
To be running alone
On the edge of the earth

Or maybe I'm a dancer
Just for you and me
My pirouette
Might well be poisonous
But I'm sure you'll
Fall for it anyways

I'm an art to your
Lovely bones and parasols
When I strike water
I really strike blood
And my self harm tattletale
Will never be enough

My chemical heart
Is just one nick I'll sew
Into your patchwork of scars
Don't worry about the
Aftercare
I heal wrong no matter the day

I laid down the stones, one by one
Laid them out with care and love
For you to walk all over them
But did you not see!
It was not a road that I paved
But a mosaic masterpiece

If you've ever grown a garden
You know how hard it is
To start again and again
Year after year
Planting seeds and saplings with love and care
Only for it all to die when the cold comes

But you learn some things
Growing a garden
Not all is lost in winter
Some things go dormant, some roots grow deep
Deep enough to evade the cold and stay imbedded in that ground forever
All things die in time
But not some of these trees
They become immortal to you
They're there as long as you live

It all starts out small in a garden
You fail at first, and then again
But then something sticks
Something holds
Fights to hold on and stay alive
And succeeds
And you get to watch it grow into this beautiful thing
Towering over all the other plants you grow after that
No matter how tall or splendid your other plants grow
There was always the first
Even after it dies
It's still alive
Because it is the foundation
Of everything else you grow

Can't stop feeling like I lost something
Every time this song comes on
Pounding through my eardrums
To the place in my head
Where a thirteen year old still remains

The worms and the freaks
Ripped up sheets
Of notebook paper scrawl
Drawing suicides and broken hearts
On my binders and my arm
Thinking about lost kisses
But not lost for me

Nights that lasted forever
Blaring music in my bed
Writing scars and mascara tears
With a plain face
Not old enough to wear makeup yet

Misery is the most frequent company
But not my closest friend
Melanie Martinez rock version nightcore
In the back of last period
Scattered colored pencils
And shared wicked smiles
We were thirteen and thought we were evil
Thought we knew everything

One night I was delivered
Birthed from the womb
Of a hospital car
Into a dark room
With a chipped wooden desk
Where I sat to cry
Without light
Without hope
I read the walls
And quieted

"Love you will be okay"
Scrawled above my bed
In jagged strokes
As jagged as the edges
Of my broken mind
Sharp shards that cut me
Loose from my family
Stitched together
Only by the words
Of the walls

Crude were the scratches
That held me together
For so many days
They were borne of the same desperation
That I was
Sometimes, just knowing that
"You are not broken"
Was enough to keep me sane
When the doors screamed
And the moon kept me awake

How many times did I break
Behind thin and lapsing walls
With only the comfort of
"You are enough"
To beat out the chill
Of frosted windows
And Portland rain
With red eyes
And chapped lips
I turned to face the wall

Building up a broken will
Packing bags
With papers
Of a journey not so much travelled but
Fought I laid for the last time
Upon that bed
Taking pencil to plaster
Trying to let them know
"Someday you will read these words for the last time"
"This is not the end"

This is an ode to us
Our elbows that brush
When we're walking down the hall
Our feet as we kicked each other
At a football game
Arms interlocked
On a walk through the school yard
And fingers reaching, grasping
Sliding over arms and bodies and sides
Finally intertwined
In the street lit night

This is an ode to our memories
Good and bad
The conversations between classes
When I told you I was suicidal
When you told me you were abused
When I realized that I loved you
Making small talk on a swing set
Knelt down in a library
Snapping under electric bonds
Thinking about you all night long

This is an ode to the things
That stay between you and me
I was the first one
To ever use your name
I waited for you at the stoplight
When you refused to jaywalk
Or run around the other way
We looked across the road
Through drifting car fumes
In our small home town
I remembered your arms
Just a few hours ago
They didn't feel like home
But God, were they close

This is an ode to us
To this teenage love
To the rain that fell
And cleansed the downtown buildings
Washed out the streets
Leaving everything out in the open
All our secrets and mistakes
Silly conversations and inside jokes
And hurt, the things I'll never quite get over
The times you didn't look at me
And the times that you
The times when it was just
You
And me
Alone in our feelings
Your blue eyes locked on mine
Free

This is a letter
On what you did to me
How much of me you claimed
A lifetime of things
That nobody deserves
That I got anyway

I'd cast you out
If I really thought you'd go
But you won't
And I'm stuck with you
At least now I know
That this is not my fault
I don't have to go with you
You don't own
A sliver of my soul

You are nothing compared to me
To my blinding vibrancy
I am so much more
That what you -- I -- made me out to be
But at the end of the day
You aren't a part of me
We share the same space
But I will always be human
That's something you'll never be

Truth be told
I don't owe you anything
The hatred you grew in me
I've pulled out like weeds
If a lifetime of maintenance is what I need
Then I will grow my own garden
In place of what you made

Because I am beautiful
I am worthy
I will not live to die
There won't be one more wasted night
Trying to strangle out my life
I am so much more than you
You will never come that close
To winning again
I promise you that

So I'll go to the beach
In that skimpy bikini
While you thrash and writhe
In the back of my mind
Because every second proving you wrong
Is a second more of freedom

And I'll do what I want
I'll wear a dress to prom
Ask out that pretty girl
Face you head on
In the back of a car
With tears streaming down my face
Screaming to myself
That I am worth it
I am strong
I am more than you ever thought I was

This is a letter to you
Spelling out
The end of your reign
The gates have burned down
I'm gone now

Laying down
Spending my time
Reading books
Browsing the internet
Watching the sun
Finally set
As my family
Sits outside
In a proper family circle
While I wait
For the night

Something has changed
Since I last was awake
Sounds are wrong
My pulse is unnerved
My limbs are sitting strangely
The world blurs
As rain twinkles down
Crouching outside
On the edge
Of a field of weeds
I am not wanted
I do not belong
Some space is being taken
By me
That is not mine to take

Get up
Shower
Vacuum
Laundry
Homework
Make my bed
Shave my legs
Eat actual food
Put on real clothes
Clean out my whole room
Do what I'm supposed to do
Be a good daughter for once in my life

I'll get around to it eventually
But not today

Dark eyes
Waking slowly
I'd cry if I could
But my best friend
Is dressed like Mothman
Red tinted glasses
Rose is all I see
You ****** Karkat wig
It's a different outfit
But it's all the same to me

Soft skies, turning grey to blue
The grass outside will grow
Spinning up around our ankles
Lay back and watch
The clouds dancing in the sky
Still remember that snowball fight
I find that I don't mind sunlight
When it's with you

You are the one
Breathe red and gold
Into my lungs
Dust
From a thousand stars
Falling prettily
On your hair

Grass
Green as those eyes
Too aggressive
Yet shy
Playing chicken
In the sun
Burning up

Forest fires
Clumsy hands
Subtlety
Was never your style
I was
Though
I was

Can I be your star system?
So blissfully unaware
Of your awed gaze
Glittering in the heavens
An interstellar display
Laid out before you
All raw and vulnerable
Solar flares and star dust
Can I be your muse?
Your inspiration
Every time you turn to the sky
Can I be the one
Who strikes your heart
And resonates
With your soul
To a level that you
That you've never felt before
Can I be your everything?
Can I be your everything?

My eyes, they weep, from bitter wings of fear
My fate is sealed by torture with no end
My soul, it cries, from icy streaming tears
The angels cry but no good luck they send

My will, it breaks, with harsh and brutal steps
My ears, they bleed, as I witness conceit
My back, it aches, from dread and hate I've kept
The demons shriek but give they no replete

Test fire and heat, as I journey through hell
Hold my head high and sing a battle song
The force I seek, all fear it shall dispel
With one fair cleave, I sever right and wrong

My fevered foe no longer posing  threat
So long, goodbye, none mourn the great sonnet

I do not think I am vain
Just naive
And surprised my my own dark eyed
And darker circles

Walking these halls
For the very first time
It feels like I've been here
For a hundred years
Unfamiliar faces all blend
Into one high school dropout
One singular name
That I don't want to know
When it starts to snow
I'll pray for ice to crystallize
Around my feet
So I can stay in my bed
And never leave again
I want to weep but
My eyes stay dry
There's a drought in my mind
It's draining away
All that I once was
All that I will be
Who I am today is not
Who I should be

They're funny
With that strange edge of sincere
I'm basking in their shadows
They're looking in my mirror

I never not ache like this
The back of my mind is
Ringing like a church bell
The somber sound of
A drizzling day's funeral

Can't stop
Won't stop
Feeling things
Buried in emotions
Like wet sand
At that beach
I never asked to be here

She's something
So tall and
So pretty
They say that she's skinny
And so special
With big dark eyes
And crooked smiles
Yes she's just
So pretty
If only she
Could see the things
That everyone else sees

But even if she isn't
It's okay
Because she's strong
She can hold her own
In a fight
She doesn't back down
She doesn't give up
She survives
The worst fights
She tears herself apart
Then picks up all the pieces

Drawn back
Into stagnant memories
A beat that drives me
To the brink of the edge
The chasm of insanity
Flashing lights
Behind my eyes
Lips silently moving
Tumbling over words
I haven't tasted
Since I was six years old

I never did
Believe
I mean
I just didn't
I'm not the sort
To believe in
I'm just
On the cusp
Of unforgivable
Never pretty
And barely funny
More like laughable
At the best
Of times
But I'm older
Now
It hasn't changed much
But I guess
A few years
Can be more
Than it
Would appear
Because I think
That maybe
Those words
Might mean something
And the things
That they say
Are not to placate
Maybe I am something
Maybe I can create
As well as
Destroy
Perhaps somewhere
In the years
Of self destruction
I learned how to live

Early mornings
Apple in hand
Staring out at the fog
I'd like to think that
Things would be better with you

I'm not in love.
Not yet, at least.
But someday, I will be.
With these covers
Pulled up to my chest,
I can feel my teeth move
When I breathe.
It's honestly bleak.
But there's a soft beat
That lights up my lungs.
Guitar strings strumming
Like blackbirds
Pecking.

I wish I was
A blank page
So perfectly clean
Nothing to see
Nothing to fear
No disorders
No skeletons
In closets
No dusty corners
Filled with secrets
No quiet tears
No sleepless nights
Just a blank page
Ready for life

It’s crazy to say
That I once believed in God
He seemed so real to me
What happened?
Did I fall
From imaginary grace?
Was something there
At all?
Searching for answers
Imbedded in my skin
All I find
In the lines
Are more questions

Cold eyes wither me
Cold mouths touch my skin
Sweet words no longer reach my ears
Am I no longer kin?

Bitter tears streak my face
Midnight gathers on a page
Silence is the only solace
They only battle against the rage

Red runs like water
Blood thick enough to tear us apart
Maybe I’m a daughter
But I do not know their hearts

How did it feel
When you turned around
Rain chafing off your umbrella
Shiny shoes tapping on wet pavement

How did it feel
When you turned and walked away
Did it feel like cinema
Did you feel like a masterpiece
Never looking back on me

Everyone thinks
Being bored is cinematic
It's not
Just boring
Cuz what's so cool
About sitting in my room
Next to a massive pile of laundry
Thinking idly about doing things
Knowing I won't
I don't see the appeal
It's not that I hate this
I'd just rather
Be doing anything else

Nothing tastes right.

I can hear people talking around me
but their voices never quite touch me.
I’m alone in here
In this empty room
I watch a tv screen
It’s the only light in here
It’s what I see through the eyes of this body.
They’re all watching me walk
Watching how I move
but it’s not me. The person walking through the world is not me. It’s a prison. It’s a life sentence.

I can laugh
when I forget about my body
When it’s just me and a screen
Seen through a screen

Is this what I wished for
the end I can’t escape from?
are my prayers finally answered?
Will this be the end?
I don’t know if I’m ready
If I ever even was
Maybe I really did want to get better