I still find you in the faces of strangers,
People pass by with no hesitation,
But I stop.
I analyze the way their nose might be shaped or the way your voice carried throughout the crowd like you were there,
With me,
Around me.
I drank the ***** to drown you,
I chased it with burning coffee to ease the burn knowing it would make it worse.
I can’t see the beauty in me without you,
I can’t feel my heart without you.
To be honest,
I’m going mad.
Insane, even.
Without you.
I miss you.
I love you.
I don’t want to keep comparing other people to you,
To see parts of you.
I want you.
Only you.

I watched the world spin from the windshield of this old car.
I felt the slip of the bald tires,
My hands tighten around the wheel,
And I screamed.
I screamed but somewhere in all of that mess,
That chaos,
I knew I was going to be okay.
I knew I was going to live,
Despite totaling my car.

Nervous,
Scared,
Frightened,
And alone.
Physical,
Emotional,
Mental,
And alone.
Exhausted,
Dying,
Destroyed,
And alone.
Frustrated,
Angry,
Tormented,
And alone.
Drowning,
Swinging,
Bleeding,
And alone.
Alone,
Alone,
Alone,
And still breathing.

I can't tell you how many shades of blue
That would compare to your
Eyes,
Or how I would imagine them
Roaming over my lips,
And capturing them in yours,
Afraid of losing you every day.
But maybe,
Thats why you left.
I was too complicated to be with.

'Cause when I say, "Go to sleep,"
It means, "I love you."
Or when I tell you to eat,
That means, "Hey I care."
When you tell me that you love me,
and,
I call you an idiot,
That's me saying it back but with the equivalence of stupidity.
You are the reason I stay awake at night and dream with my eyes open,
You are the stars in my dark sea that I have been constantly trying to drown myself in,
You are,
For Gods sake's,
My Planet Earth because what else is going to supply me the oxygen I need when my brain says,
"Don't breathe."
You make me not want to die when all I could think of is dying cause you know,
Depression.
You are my alarm clock to when I sleep in,
My everyday phone call,
My back up plan when my back up plan needs a back up plan.
There are a billion of people out here that could have chosen me to deal with but you,
You at least tolerate me.
Thank you for the tolerance, at least.

I want to give you the sorry you never gave me,
I want to forgive you for your mistakes when you never owned up to them,
I want to give back all of the memories we had together because they do not hurt anymore.
This is my goodbye to you,
My closure,
My end to this chapter.
I no longer think of you,
The nights welcome me with open arms again,
My bed is a place where comfort now grows.
You do not hurt me anymore,
I do not hide from heartache,
I do not resent you.
I could say thanks,
I could be the bigger person,
It was the pain, though,
It made me inhuman.
I left our broken happiness in a box where I hope you'll find it,
I thought I needed an, "I'm sorry."
You did not make me a better person,
I went through a change,
An altercation.
I will say it anyways,
Thanks,
Not for the drastic changes,
A thanks to myself for finally being able to breathe again.

It was the flash of colors,
Your eyes covered in the hair you hated so much.
Reds,
Blues,
Oranges,
Pinks.
Colors mushed together to find what made your heart beat out of your chest.
Blurry,
Blurry pictures of you.
Like you were always out of reach to me.

My love to you,
Is no longer.
For the whispers that I believed to be your caressing words,
They were not.
It was the wind telling me to run and every aching bone in my body screamed it.
I laughed in the face of nothingness,
Diving into the abyss you created.
The look of sheer terror flashed across that stricken face,
Expecting me to run from that hole.
Darling,
I’ve reveled in the dark and I’ve danced with the devil.
A little heartache can’t hurt me.

Hello, mother,
It's me again.
Remember the monsters you used to check for underneath my bed?
It turns out they are all inside my head.
Mother,
I know you couldn't see them at first,
I couldn't either,
But I heard them whisper,
I heard them chatter,
They listened to me weep.
I don't think you understand,
No, mother,
I know I'm not a child anymore,
But the underside of my bed is all cleaned out,
Yet they still remain.
Empty pockets,
Unopened boxes,
Light switches turned off.
Mother,
Help,
They're intensifying,
They're horrifying,
And they're-
Oh.
You have to go?
With the lights turned low,
You shut your door,
I'm all alone.
What about the monsters, mother?
I know you can't see them,
I know,
But I hear them,
I listen to them,
I no longer weep.
You said they weren't there,
I believed you.
You said it was the nights anticipation,
But it was my damnation.
Mother,
You're still not listening to me.
Yes,
They're inside my head,
I have this sudden feeling of dread,
I have to get this feeling off my chest,
Mother.
Lay me to rest.
That is my last request.

Don't fall in love with a writer.
A writer will take you to worlds unknown and you will get lost.
Don't fall in love with a poet.
A poet will construct stanzas of love and heartbreak,
Leaving you desperate for words unfathomable.
Don't fall in love with an artist.
An artist will paint you into their realm of never ending paintbrush strokes where love is just another color on a canvas,
Just like sadness.
Don't fall in love with her,
She is a mindless soul wandering the halls of heartache.
Don't look at her,
Her eyes will pull you deeper into the gold flakes that encircle her pupils like stars surrounding a black hole.
Don't fall in love with her touch,
Fragile fingers tracing patterns over your skin like a delicate knife cutting you open to create flesh wounds never to heal.
Don't fall in love with her body,
Captivating you with her honey drizzled hips,
Nectar inducing lips,
Taunting you as she strips.
Your skin is like fire,
Burning flames dancing and mingling with just a fleeting touch of her beauty.
Don't fall in love with her,
But,
You already have.

Listen to me,
My love,
listen to me.
The urgent call of your name rings through the air,
Like a warning bell being sound off.
Loathe the way you wash over my body,
Consuming the dark corners of self indulgence,
As if you know the culling sways my every move.
If you knew the damage,
The turmoil,
The rot in my brain,
That spreads the more I touch you,
The more I breathe you in,
Poison in the warning bells.
I sink lower into these depths,
How I will rise,
I do not know.
But it begins with engaging with my pain
As motive.
I begin here,
Forfeiting my life to the self indulgence I've denied myself.

Hello!
I am really energetic and I am caring and funny, I love to socialize with everybody. Yes I talk a lot only because I am excited to meet you and my energy is a bit much but you'll get used to it!

Hello.
Yes I am, still smiling and I feel great! Yeah haha only a scratch, how was your day? No don't worry about mine, I'm glad you had a great day. Talk to me more, I'm happy you're talking to me.

Hey.
Everything's fine. No I'm just tired, yes I'm fine. Haha, yeah, I just have a little headache, no need to worry about me. I'm sorry. No I just felt like saying sorry. Enough about me, how are you? Things going good? Please talk to me.

Hi.
We haven't spoken much, are you okay? No, I'm... yeah, I'm fine. Everything's going good. I wish we were closer. No I don't want something more, I just.. haha yeah I'm just kidding. We're okay. You have to go? Oh, I'll talk to you whenever, then. I'll be here if you need me.

Yeah.
I'm here, what do you need? Oh.. well if you must, it's okay. Yeah I'm fine with that, I'm fine. I'm okay, I just want to keep you happy, keep you here. No, I know you're not going anywhere, how silly of me to think of you to go. Oh? You do? Well, thanks, for letting me make you happy, anything I can do to help you.

...please talk to me.

Why won't you talk to me?

Did I do something to you?

I let you use me for your own happiness. Were you just in it to get what you wanted? Please, you told me you enjoyed my company, come back.

Yeah... haven't talked to you in a while. What's up? Oh? Yeah, I'm here if you need to satisfy yourself again. No it's fine, as long as I just get to spend some time with you.

...

Thanks for leaving me. I'm happy you got to use me for as long as you did, I really like you, you know. If using me meant that you could hang around even just for a second longer, please.
I'm in love with you
but
You're in love with them.

I was ice and you were fire,
My love for you was a burning desire.
The way your flames gently caressed my cold,
I wanted to touch you, I wanted something close to hold.
But as we did,
I slowly melted,
Your flame dying slow,
My ice cap dented.
You were plotting to leave,
But I held you close,
Scared to let go,
Your flame never rose.
You began to worry,
You began to fret,
My cold touch was hurting you,
Something that I regret.
I said I was sorry,
I tried to smile,
But our love was diminishing,
Like the flame of your candle.
Your light was almost out,
So you said goodbye,
You let me go,
One last time.
As you went,
So did the light,
While I lay here,
Wondering why.
You lit my world,
Helped me see,
Now you're gone,
And darkness has come over me.
I lay in this ice box,
Remembering your flickering flame,
Blaming myself for your pathetic game.
I touched where your mark had left,
A small melted shape is kept.
I hold it dear,
For that's what is left,
I have nothing else of you,
But of memories and your theft.
Sometimes I catch your candle wax,
Dripping here and there,
And I turn colder,
For more lonely nights to bear.
Your heat was intense,
So was your profound love,
But nostalgia fools me,
It's shows no wrong.

Moon-lit slits through ivory curtains,
Windows kept ajar for creeping secrets,
The sound of humming busy bugs.
Beds kept warm through unconscious bodies,
This was what summer was about.
Silly whispers of unkempt persons,
Clothes of disarray,
Tangled limbs and kisses of good mornings,
Time seemingly kept at bay.
Memories never made so none were lost,
Places never visited so never seen,
People of uncharted territory so they were never missed.
Fingers roaming unwanted strangers in the dark,
More silly whispers about a forgotten tomorrow,
No more good morning kisses of today.

You made me happy,
Even just for a short while,
For once, I felt loved.

It’s 2 a.m. and you sleep peacefully.
While you dream I stay awake.
I stay in the still of the night watching,
Listening.
I see the demons that walk during the night,
The fleeting glimpses of the tall man,
The one on stilts with the fedora,
The hanging lady by the tree.
I hear their whispers in the soft wind that blows,
Goose bumps trailing my skin with the presence of them all around me.
It is a warm night yet I feel cold.
A sniffle here,
A giggle there,
Voices in the back of my mind.
Am I hallucinating?
Am I crazy?

I wonder how many times you have climbed into a tub and thought,
"Wow maybe I could drown in hopes of escaping my life."
I dont know how many of you have thought that but let's just say a few.
One: I step into the tub with my left foot and the water is immensely warm.
Downing pills couldn't be that bad right now.
Maybe I could grab the bottle without anybody noticing.
I wonder if I could make my own concoction of medicine would suffice.
Concoction is a funny word.
Two: I step in with my right foot and everything is tingling from the heat.
If I charge my phone from the plug over there by the sink,
Could I electrocute myself?
I wonder how bad electrocution hurts.
Deep fried food would be nice right now.
Three: I sink into the tub and pull my knees to my chest.
if I lay back now and fight myself from breathing,
Could I do it?
I wonder how long it takes somebody to drown themselves in a tub while fighting their instinct to survive.
I could adapt and grow gills.
Four: I lay back into my tub and watch the water rise.
The water is warm and my body is heavy.
I can't **** myself because my headstone will be something sad,
My funeral will play music I'll hate listening to as a ghost,
People I don't even know will show up.
What if my ex shows up?
Five: I sink lower into the water until I can no longer hear clearly and it tickles the side of my eyes.
What's the point in breathing.
Breathing is so weird.
Why do I have to maintain a body that's going to die anyways?
I wonder what dying feels like.
Six: I've been in here for an hour. Maybe I should get out.
This water has turned mildly lukewarm.
I'd like to stay but I'm getting kinda cold and I like the warmth.
Could I just empty half and add more hot water?
I am sitting in a pool of my own dirt.
Great.
Seven: I'm climbing out while simultaneously pulling the stopper.
Theres so many different ways to say that you or somebody is dying;
Kick the bucket.
Pull the plug.
One foot in the grave.
Bite the dust.
Croak.
Some of them are kinda funny.
Eight: Realizing that I love baths but hate the thoughts that come with the quiet bathroom.
I'm exhausted.
The mental kind of exhausted.
Can I stop now?
Can I just lay down and close my eyes?
My anxiety is overworking me.
Nine: I open my door with a stiff towel and a cold room.
I love the quiet but the quiet kills.
I love my mind yet the way it works is poisonous to me.
Ten: Nothing.
Sitting.
Alone.
In my empty bedroom.

He became a reason of many.
A reason to laugh,
A reason to love,
A reason to be.
With every doubt I ever had,
It was like a cold wash of rain,
Wiping away any negativity that creeped upon me.
There was a wholeness about him,
The calm in the word safety,
A steadiness in the way he talks,
It became an overspill of excitement,
Much like the tide on a sunny day.
He reminded me of cold drives with all of the windows down,
The sound of an acoustic guitar when being plucked,
Drunken laughs and soft whispers of delicate words shared between breathless kisses,
Quiet hums in the still of an empty house.
He became my reason,
He became my home.

I wonder if truck drivers ever get tired of the open road,
Where cars speed past in angst of their destination,
Red and white lights filling the darkness.
Endless dedication to wearing down the pavement that sticks to the Earth like a bandaid.
I wonder if Earth gets tired of us littering,
Destroying,
Peppering it's surface with blemishes to be reconciled with.
I wonder when humanity is to be torn down,
Another plague roaming the planet ready to be wiped out soon enough.
We don't compare to the locusts,
The frogs,
The volcano ready to wipe us out.
40,000 years overdue,
The ash ready to cover the sky and pollute our lungs until we suffocate.
I wonder what will happen to the highway then,
Maybe reclaimed by the grass that once existed here.
I hope the car lights stop shining,
I hope the truck drivers reach their destination to finally rest from the constant stop-and-go.

"Dear God, what happened to you?"

I couldn't look at him.

I couldn't look at him with sad eyes with what was left of my broken heart pouring out of my chest. I hugged myself and kept looking at the ground as the tears fell.

"I fell in love with you. As stupid and as simple as it sounds, It's more complicated and intense than you will ever know. I didn't just fall in love with your laugh or the way you looked at me. It was the passion and drive you had for the future you wanted, the meaning behind every song you showed me, the life behind the eyes of someone who breathed fire into my lungs for the things I loved most; you. That is what happened to me."

I would laugh and brush it off.
It was a common question,
One that was asked too frequently.
"Where's your motHer? How is she?"

I always replied with something vague.
"She's been away for a while."
Or
"My mother? She's been sick so I haven't seen much of her."

Really, though,
She's at home wishing she could hurt me.
I know, I know,
She's my mother.
Mothers aren't supposed to do that, right?
You sEe,
My mother thought love came in bundLes of fist fights,
Of crying,
Of cuts and bruises.
I know she was raised that way, I know.

What I can't seem to understand, though,
Is that she passes this "love" down.
It makes me sad.
I wish she knew how much it hurt to see my mother in Pain,
But it also hurts to see a stranger behind drunken eyes lay her hands upon the child that made her into what she is now.

I hate her.
But she is my mother,
Right?

I know that I have killed myself a thousand times in my head,
Never fully grasping the concept of leaving.
I do not know when the thoughts started,
I guess they've always been there,
Whispering and taking turns rotting my brain into the landfill of decay and broken thoughts.
No longer the pink fleshy muscle that sat presently in my head.
It had turned to tar,
Black and thick,
            R
               U
              N
               N
             I
            N
              G
Dripping,
Suffocating the light away from the open cracks where creativity once flowed through.
Unfathomable, the thought of dying, ceasing to exist.
What have I become?