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May 2021 · 97
Peach and Marigolds
Allyssa May 2021
I now understand the time of the Renaissance,
Where the clouds painted across the sky were strung of gold,
How the sky was painted by Michelangelo’s hand,
Where the cherubs danced and sang amongst the fluffiness of the timeless sunset.
I understood the dream of the gods painted in soft lights and surrounded by gold,
I began to understand the offerings and the worship to the creatures that blessed us with the sun and sky.
I started understanding when the sunset before us stretched into forever when I looked over and you were painted in those golds,
Those soft rays of peach and marigold.
To feel effervescent in a moment that made me feel warmth and love,
To know your name and heart in the ever increasing stretch of sky,
Is like painting the clouds so I can have an excuse to gaze upon your face while you watch in awe of the colors made just for you.
Apr 2021 · 51
You Got a Light?
Allyssa Apr 2021
I am self destructive.
I am abusing the body I occupy and yet I am guilty of it.
I throw myself into the abyss at any inconvenience,
Consume liquor until the rooms spins,
Inhale smoke until my lungs are black,
Until I ache from throwing up,
Until I'm sobbing so hard my eyes swell.
I love the thrill of the pain and yet,
I yearn to be away from it.
I am yet again drowning in the undertow,
With only myself to blame.
Dragged to the depths of self mutilation,
I only have the ***** and cigarettes for comfort.
How ******* poetic of me.
Mar 2021 · 45
Cigarettes After Sex
Allyssa Mar 2021
I will always be in love with your light.
Mar 2021 · 109
Afar
Allyssa Mar 2021
To be loved is wild, dangerous, and carefree.
To love, it is soft and gentle.
To love from afar, it is bittersweet, lonely, and all the more enchanting.
Mar 2021 · 538
Words
Allyssa Mar 2021
This time I'm tired.
I can no longer find the words to speak.
I'm tired of writing out pretty letters,
Stringing words like popcorn on a string,
All just to say,
"I love you."
And I'm tired of not being able to tell you.
Mar 2021 · 47
"I Hate Her."
Allyssa Mar 2021
I would laugh and brush it off.
It was a common question,
One that was asked too frequently.
"Where's your motHer? How is she?"

I always replied with something vague.
"She's been away for a while."
Or
"My mother? She's been sick so I haven't seen much of her."

Really, though,
She's at home wishing she could hurt me.
I know, I know,
She's my mother.
Mothers aren't supposed to do that, right?
You sEe,
My mother thought love came in bundLes of fist fights,
Of crying,
Of cuts and bruises.
I know she was raised that way, I know.

What I can't seem to understand, though,
Is that she passes this "love" down.
It makes me sad.
I wish she knew how much it hurt to see my mother in Pain,
But it also hurts to see a stranger behind drunken eyes lay her hands upon the child that made her into what she is now.

I hate her.
But she is my mother,
Right?
Mar 2021 · 60
The Sun, The Moon, and Me
Allyssa Mar 2021
I was a mess, or, I still am.
But you loved that.
You loved the way my lips tasted like honey,
The way the sun kissed my tan skin.
I breathed summer air as if I was made of it and,
Well,
You fell in love.
I couldn't blame you,
I felt like a dream.
That was what I was, though.
When the sun set,
My skin no longer glowed,
My lips cracked,
The air in my lungs was cigarette smoke.
When the sun rose,
My hair shined,
My smile was bright,
My eyes were a brown-eyed honey pool.
As if the night didn't consume me,
The scars buried in my flesh were taken by the sun,
Returning me to grace the surface as a false advertisement of health,
Happiness,
Warmth.
I held the sun in my hands once,
Even during the night,
Until it was taken away from me.
The sun pulls my strings until I cannot dance any longer,
For the moon catches me in her gentle light,
Allowing me to bask in the unreachable moments of the day.
Mar 2021 · 243
Mother
Allyssa Mar 2021
It was terrible, what she did.

She caressed my cheek with hands not so kind,
She grabbed my wrists with a grip too tight,
Her fingers left light little bruises across my throat,
And I called her my mother.

The woman before me screamed obscenities.

"I hate you."
                      
                        "You're nothing."

"You're not the daughter I wanted"

I called this person my mother.
She gave life to me after all,
I should be grateful.

Even if the bruises take a while to go away.
Sometimes the cigarette burns scar.
The cuts and fractures never completely heal.

I call this my mother.
                         Sometimes, it's terrible what she does.
Mar 2021 · 47
Childhood
Allyssa Mar 2021
To be 9 again.

To experience “heartbreak” on valentines when my crush didn’t like me back.

To sleep in my bed unaware of the fighting my parents did in the room down the hall.

To feel safety and comfort in the arms of my mother.

To be upset with my sister because she wouldn’t share her Play-Doh with me.

But I’m 20 now.

I experience heartbreak as if the entire world is on my shoulders.

I can no longer sleep in my bed because the fighting grew too loud and the liquor was too strong.

My mothers’ arms no longer feel safe but threatening, almost suffocating.

My sister only talks in code now, afraid of the listening ears that lurk in dark corners and closed doors.

To be 9 again.
Mar 2021 · 44
Tiny Little Pieces
Allyssa Mar 2021
Imagine all the ways
That I could cut myself
Into tiny little pieces
That separated from loving you
And loving myself

Picture those pieces
Were like glass
And they sparkled
While falling to the ground

You'd think
The night sky
Had fallen
To Earth

Oh how tragically beautiful
That must be.
Feb 2021 · 56
Fresh Start?
Allyssa Feb 2021
All of it.
I'd give all of it,
If it meant that we could start over.
I keep getting Error 505 whenever I post??
Jan 2021 · 584
"How are You?"
Allyssa Jan 2021
"Dear God, what happened to you?"

I couldn't look at him.

I couldn't look at him with sad eyes with what was left of my broken heart pouring out of my chest. I hugged myself and kept looking at the ground as the tears fell.

"I fell in love with you. As stupid and as simple as it sounds, It's more complicated and intense than you will ever know. I didn't just fall in love with your laugh or the way you looked at me. It was the passion and drive you had for the future you wanted, the meaning behind every song you showed me, the life behind the eyes of someone who breathed fire into my lungs for the things I loved most; you. That is what happened to me."
I dunno
Jan 2021 · 52
Papillon
Allyssa Jan 2021
It was your hand gripped onto the back of my neck.
You pulled down onto my body and I ached for more.
Your hips were grinding against me.
The music in the background faded and the windows fogged.

"No more disappearing," I breathed heavily.

You said, "I won't."

We collided in heavy need and our lips crashed as if the waves of our beach was caught in a storm that had been long overdue.
Our clothes pulled off our bodies and the heat between us steamed.

After that,
It was a blur.
We melted in each others embrace not so lovingly.
Somewhere in that moment,
You asked me,
"What do you want?"

I said, "Something I can't have."

And in that moment,
We realized just how human we were.
Dec 2020 · 77
I Am Human
Allyssa Dec 2020
And I wonder if they'll write stories about me.
About the tales of my adventures,
The people I've met,
The hearts I've broken,
The tears I've shed,
The fear,
Anguish,
Pain,
Abandonment,
Callousness,
Abrasiveness,
Rumo­rs,
Lies.
I wonder if and when they tell of the bad,
They don't forget the good, too.
You see, I'm not perfect.
The image that I've seamlessly wrapped myself in isn't all bad.
The image of me that once existed in people's minds,
I am not responsible for.
Because while I am many things,
I am also loving,
Caring,
Understanding,
Thoughtful,
Patient,
Timid,
Soft,
­Warm,
Gentle,
Kind,
Human.
Many people of my past forget that I am human and so are they.
I focused so much on my mortality,
I forget that I, too, make mistakes just as much as the next person.
I just hope that where my legs may carry me,
I am kinder,
I am softer,
I am less angry at who I was and focus on who I am.
Sometimes I forget that there is a lot of good in the bad.
Dec 2020 · 1.3k
My Love
Allyssa Dec 2020
Imagine if we could reach the stars and pluck them out of the sky because for you,
My darling,
I'd pick them and never stop.
Flowers are beautifully tragic but I'd rather give you your constellation in a bundle of soft clouds and a gentle warm breeze with lavender and chamomile.
Imagine somebody eternally embodying me in stanzas like I do for him.
Oct 2020 · 136
Mindless
Allyssa Oct 2020
Elusive thoughts and dreams,
Permeant to the mind.
Merely phasing through the realities of my soul.
I loved the sickness of the mind,
A dark murky cloud of an unpredictable storm.
Pushing through the phases of that empty vastness,
Drowning in a swirling mix of confusion,
Spreading like a poison throughout the veins of a twisting,
Winding,
Painful injection upon the skin.
Living through the soreness of a long familiar ache,
Yearning for a peace that never quite settled.
Known pain
Oct 2020 · 685
Sugar Boy
Allyssa Oct 2020
Soft sweet lips,
Honey dew words,
Sugar kisses,
Warm embraces.
It was the unexpected dance,
The glances,
The smiles.
It was getting stuck in the rain,
Locked out of the house,
Laughing until we couldn’t breathe.
I was little drunk,
You didn’t mind.
We giggled like children in the dark,
Watching the raindrops on the windshield,
In that ever so warm car.
I can tell this is going to be a rabbit hole
Oct 2020 · 478
Empty Sky
Allyssa Oct 2020
Wet eyes,
Tear stained cheeks.
Pursed red lips,
Soft hiccups and steadying breaths.
She quietly whispered,
"Maybe I wasn't meant to be here."
Warm tears rolled softly down her face once more,
Squeezing her eyes shut.
Slowly, she looks out into the stars,
And whispers,
"I'm coming home."
empty
Oct 2020 · 612
Desire
Allyssa Oct 2020
It's almost poetic,
The way we give ourselves to others without a second thought,
Just so we could feel something,
Anything,
Other than the holes in our chests.
The aches our hearts give us,
Craving the touch of the one we want most,
To be held,
To be loved,
To be wanted.
So, we give our flesh,
To appease the longing we crave,
In hopes of quieting the demons that claw their way out at night,
Creating craters in the no-mans land we call our love.
To love freely,
To be loved freely,
Is such a beautifully terrifying thing.
Isn't it?
We offer our flesh to the ones who will take it in hopes of filling the overgrowing void in our hearts.
Oct 2020 · 570
Colors
Allyssa Oct 2020
It was the flash of colors,
Your eyes covered in the hair you hated so much.
Reds,
Blues,
Oranges,
Pinks.
Colors mushed together to find what made your heart beat out of your chest.
Blurry,
Blurry pictures of you.
Like you were always out of reach to me.
Blur
Oct 2020 · 698
"Why Do You Love Me?"
Allyssa Oct 2020
He asked her this one question.

She, beside him, curled up in her small frame. Knees tucked to her chest, pink lips, and coffee stained teeth, she smiled small.

"I've been asked this question by many," she says, "And I've always said things like someone's voice, or the way they held me. Maybe it was their laugh or the way my heart ached when I smelled their t-shirts at night.
You, though, will always leave me with an unanswered question.
I don't know why I love you but for some reason, my heart will whisper your name when I'm too intimate with a bottle pressed to my lips.
When the tears I cry are warm from the sound of your voice when it pours through the videos we've laughed in.
I don't think I love you but my heart does. Maybe that's why my mind cannot think of any reasons because you lie in my chest where it aches the most."
Excerpt from a page torn out of my diary of missing you.
Oct 2020 · 851
Stars
Allyssa Oct 2020
And when the little love of my life
Looks me in the eyes
and asks me,
"Mommy, what are the stars?"
I'll look into vastness above,
Squeeze their hand and say,
"My dear, I wouldn't worry about the stars too much.
One day you will fall in love with one,
And with every bright star,
It will swell with light and be reborn.
Sometimes, my little one, their rebirth will not include you.
You may wish on those bright stars,
But do not expect your wish to shine with them."
Fall in love with the night sky but do not count on it being there forever
Oct 2020 · 383
Yesterday
Allyssa Oct 2020
The past is a rundown motel that hasn’t had any visitors in a while but yet you try and stay.
You know the walls are molding and the ceiling has long since caved in but here you are
Residing in a bed with the springs pricking all over your body,
Numbing you to reality.
You cling on to when the room smelled of fresh paint and it wasn’t so dark.
In fact, you can even almost see the sun peeking through the window as if it was yesterday.
But yesterday,
Was many years ago.
The rust,
The damp air,
The rot,
It takes over Yesterday.
Overgrown weeds and musk cover the floor,
Yet,
You still walk barefoot as if it was the carpet that was once there.
You checked in to this marvelous moment not even thinking it could turn into a place.
A place that you began to frequently visit even if the people that lived with you there have no longer occupied the space since,
Well,
Yesterday, it seems.
You sink lower into those springs,
Unaware of your broken bones and puncture wounds because you decided to live in that moment,
Instead of walking out the door at the first sign of flickering lights.
When you knew,
Deep down,
Staying wasn’t an option,
But revisiting became a habit.
Only if it was Yesterday.
It’s time to check out and move on. Oct 2020
Allyssa Sep 2020
Listen to me,
My love,
listen to me.
The urgent call of your name rings through the air,
Like a warning bell being sound off.
Loathe the way you wash over my body,
Consuming the dark corners of self indulgence,
As if you know the culling sways my every move.
If you knew the damage,
The turmoil,
The rot in my brain,
That spreads the more I touch you,
The more I breathe you in,
Poison in the warning bells.
I sink lower into these depths,
How I will rise,
I do not know.
But it begins with engaging with my pain
As motive.
I begin here,
Forfeiting my life to the self indulgence I've denied myself.
C'est l'amour que j'ai envie et peut-être l'appel du vide.
Sep 2020 · 502
Divine
Allyssa Sep 2020
And in the wake of our every being,
Our souls were intertwined not by the fault of ours,
But the stars and the sea.
He is mine,
And I am his,
For we were made at the burst of the start of the universe and that is, in and of itself,
is truly divine.
He came back after all that time apart.
Jun 2020 · 455
Peach Bellini
Allyssa Jun 2020
Because the smell of the candle reminds me of the way we fell asleep in each others arms.
Because we went to the store to pick out something together,
Nothing too huge,
Nothing too light,
Something that continues to haunt me.
I bought the candle again to remind me of the times I had you.
I bought the candle again to sleep in your t-shirt and hug my pillow close.
I no longer sleep in your arms,
But I continue smelling the candle that steadily
   B
          U
                R
                     N
                           S
And I cannot stop feeling your presence just when I'm about to drift off,
Smelling your shampoo,
While I slip into a deep sleep,
Only to see you in my dreams.
I wanna move on but I don't know how.
Jun 2020 · 501
False
Allyssa Jun 2020
There was a time where,
I would think about you, love.
Now, you are nothing.
I almost grabbed the candle that made me weak for you and yet, I knew I was better than that.
Mar 2020 · 372
Running
Allyssa Mar 2020
Running was never new to me.
Different places,
Different people,
Unfamiliar smells and unfamiliar buildings.
When things became too familiar,
Recognizing street signs,
Familiar names,
Memories and places etched into the back of my mind,
I move again.
Pain is an ever accompanying acquaintance,
A travel partner that never fails to remind me that I am,
In fact,
Always running from something.
Weary bones
Feb 2020 · 468
Wonder
Allyssa Feb 2020
I wonder if the mothers of the
     Boys we fall in love with
           Know that they are the
                  Monsters we fear that
                         Lurk in the dark.
                                                           ­                       I wonder if the boys we
                                                                ­              Fall in love with know
                                                                ­      That we break and fall
                                                            ­ Apart within their grasp
                                               When they say, "I love you."
I wonder if they can
     Hear us scream their names
            When we have the nightmares
                       About their beautiful voices
                                Echoing through the night.

                                                               ­                     I wonder if they know
                                                            ­              The pain that they cause
                                                           ­  Within the bodies of future
                                       Mothers who warn their daughters
                             About the men who've hurt them.

                      
                                          
                     ­                       All I do is wonder.
I base the love that I have off of the monsters that plague my nights of sleep because I am too strong during the hours of my wake.
Feb 2020 · 494
A Letter to You
Allyssa Feb 2020
You gave me a sense of endearment,
A wonder of beauty.
I felt whole when I looked at you,
My heart filled with your touch.
I imagine running my fingers through your hair,
Listening to you laugh,
Feeling your hands on my body.
Thank you for giving me an understanding of how to love,
To be capable of loving.
A letter to you
Jan 2020 · 478
What?
Allyssa Jan 2020
Why are we hard-wired to love the hard?
We mend ourselves to shield from the pain,
Only to jump back into the arms of another "too tight" hug.
We break our backs for the people who don't want us,
Who don't need us,
Who don't love us.
We fall from great heights to trust the drop of water below,
To expect an ocean of greatness,
Of stability.
We end up face first onto the pavement,
Splattered about but still alive.
Alive but dying,
Dying yet alive.
Our brokenness becomes us,
Defining the very feature of what love may or may not be,
According to the bad we suffered before.
We outline our other half into the expectations of what we have experienced.
Is it unjust?
Is this what pulls our hearts into the directions we want it to?
If our love becomes boring,
Does it mean we are content?
Or are we upset that we aren't strung out like a ******,
Addicted to the toxicity like a needle setting fire to someone's veins,
Boring because we found peace among the calamity and we are too young to be just that,
Content.
I need more than 5 hours of sleep.
Jan 2020 · 461
He
Allyssa Jan 2020
He
He became a reason of many.
A reason to laugh,
A reason to love,
A reason to be.
With every doubt I ever had,
It was like a cold wash of rain,
Wiping away any negativity that creeped upon me.
There was a wholeness about him,
The calm in the word safety,
A steadiness in the way he talks,
It became an overspill of excitement,
Much like the tide on a sunny day.
He reminded me of cold drives with all of the windows down,
The sound of an acoustic guitar when being plucked,
Drunken laughs and soft whispers of delicate words shared between breathless kisses,
Quiet hums in the still of an empty house.
He became my reason,
He became my home.
You're not just perfect, you're my perfect
Nov 2019 · 507
Fuck
Allyssa Nov 2019
I am haunted by these
Tortured souls,
I am shaken by these
Tainted lips,
I am hurt by these
Painful eyes,
I am broken by these
Soft hands.
I am in love with you.
I am in love with you.
Nov 2019 · 325
Is This Love?
Allyssa Nov 2019
It’s like you can’t stop thinking about her.
The way she uses her hands to talk,
The way her heart sounds when she’s explaining what falling out of love sounds like,
The way her mouth moves in the shape of smile,
The sound of heartache in her voice because the love of her life walked out on her.
You just wanna be that person,
Take that pain away from her,
Holding her until she’s whole again,
Loving her like the way she loves someone else.
The way you hear your heart being chipped away,
Chiseled under the war hammer of heartbreak.
The stone that becomes your heart when you realize you can be the center of her universe.
*****
Nov 2019 · 398
2:57 a.m. Fantasy
Allyssa Nov 2019
I lay in bed beneath your body,
Panting and exposed,
Your hands created tremors,
Shaking legs and quavering moans.
Your lips were soft on mine,
Hearts fluttering fast,
Heated passionate kisses,
Tangled hair and messy sheets.
Bodies tangled,
Heavy breathing,
Knotted up hair,
Hickey peppered skin.
You said unto me,
Fingers buried in my skin,
My hair covering our faces,
Our foreheads pressed together.
“I will love you forever.”
We were one person,
One moment,
One soul.
We shared the oxygen that lingered between us,
Love poured from heavy weight of our need,
Our want.
We were done for and for once,
I was perfectly fine with his lingering touch on my body.
These bed sheets are mine and his hands felt like home
Nov 2019 · 510
Wolf Skin
Allyssa Nov 2019
He wore a wolfs skin,
a thick hide of coarse fur.
He hid in the forest and only came out at night,
Stalking amongst his prey.
I saw him at the woods line,
Eyes glimmering like the blue green sky in the midst of a new moon.
The air around him clouded,
The cold silent wind rushing in the space between us.
The still of the night softly whispered to us.
My heart thudded,
My lungs were like bricks under the light of the pale moon sky,
My eyes fixated on his.
My wolf,
My spirit,
The churning howl deep in my belly.
Can I shield you from the wilderness of my heart
Nov 2019 · 378
You Made Me a Believer
Allyssa Nov 2019
I never was a believer,
One that promised me my faith anyways.
It wasn't until I laid with you,
Felt you between the crevasse of my legs,
Your soft hands pull and tug at my skin,
The way your hot breath rolled over my lower stomach.
And I ached.
I ached for the warmth you brought me beneath my bed sheets,
The fire in my belly whenever I heard my name roll softly off your tongue,
The tremble in my legs when I thought about you.
Your gaze forever entangling me within my own mind,
Curious to lie with the sin of lust once more,
Tantalizing with the sweet smell of you.
I debated whether or not to speak your name but in the end, I always do.
Nov 2019 · 539
Why
Allyssa Nov 2019
Why
Have you ever fallen in love at first sight?
I didn’t believe it could happen,
And then I met you.
You have no interest in keeping me,
I have every intention of loving you.
You weave in and out of life,
Unpredictable,
Unknowing of where you’re going to show up next.
Your smell is intoxicating,
Lingering in the air around me,
Falling asleep next to you with your back towards me.
I’ve tasted you on my lips,
I’ve felt you settle into the bones of my life and yet,
You are so fickle.
I know you are not good for me,
I know you aren’t reliable,
But *******.
Why do I feel like I need you like I need air?
I have fallen in love with somebody who knocks on my door for carnal pleasure and I hope you wreck my life.
Allyssa Nov 2019
It’s not them that tears you apart,
It’s the hurt.
There’s rawness in the face of pain,
The type of raw that comes only in waves of pure agony,
Blissfully beautiful after a time of healing.
The type of pain that boils the blood like hot lava,
When it travels through your veins at the sound of another’s name roll off of their tongue,
A picture that didn’t involve you,
A song you can only hear the words,
“I don’t want this anymore,”
Echo through your broken mind.
Our favorite place was no longer filled with the scent of happiness,
But the scent of you.
You linger in the walls that watched our love develop,
The windows that saw the fights that happened,
The doors that slammed shut to separate ourselves from one another to breathe.
Even the air betrays me when I walk through the street,
Always smelling the sweet scent of home.
You are home to me.
Excerpt from a letter that I will never send.
Allyssa Oct 2019
I still find you in the faces of strangers,
People pass by with no hesitation,
But I stop.
I analyze the way their nose might be shaped or the way your voice carried throughout the crowd like you were there,
With me,
Around me.
I drank the ***** to drown you,
I chased it with burning coffee to ease the burn knowing it would make it worse.
I can’t see the beauty in me without you,
I can’t feel my heart without you.
To be honest,
I’m going mad.
Insane, even.
Without you.
I miss you.
I love you.
I don’t want to keep comparing other people to you,
To see parts of you.
I want you.
Only you.
I shouldn’t have drank the *****.
Oct 2019 · 404
Love, a Little
Allyssa Oct 2019
We fell in love slowly,
Not at once.
It was never like the movies where we touched hands and softly gasped,
Never a look from across the room,
We didn’t have a magical moment.
We grew together like the leaves reach for the sun,
We gravitated together like magnets with a light pull.
We danced in empty kitchens,
Sleepily grabbing each other in cold nights,
Sharing the oxygen in the space we occupied together in white sheets.
You made me learn how to love my bed again,
Feel safe in an area I wasn’t made comfortable with,
I found myself feeling okay.
Tired
Allyssa Oct 2019
The hint of Newport’s wafted off of your sweater,
The small glow of the radio illuminated your soft face,
The way your eyes held mine in a longing glance.
Your lips were parted slightly,
Small short breaths were shared between us,
Faces inches apart.
I could smell the soft scent of you on your mouth,
Hands brushing against each other in need of intertwining our fingers.
We could close the distance,
Feel the way our lips connected and danced with slow anticipation,
Tasting each other’s need.
Hair pulled,
The aggressive want to touch you,
To be closer to you,
To feel you, feel me.
“Don’t catch feelings,”
You said to me.
“I won’t, I promise.”
I lied.
I’ve gotten attached to your smell,
Your taste,
Your being.
Your soul calls out to mine but you’re afraid to bring me close,
I know.
Please let me in.
Our late night car rides are my favorite memories I have between us.
Oct 2019 · 469
Hallucinations
Allyssa Oct 2019
It’s 2 a.m. and you sleep peacefully.
While you dream I stay awake.
I stay in the still of the night watching,
Listening.
I see the demons that walk during the night,
The fleeting glimpses of the tall man,
The one on stilts with the fedora,
The hanging lady by the tree.
I hear their whispers in the soft wind that blows,
Goose bumps trailing my skin with the presence of them all around me.
It is a warm night yet I feel cold.
A sniffle here,
A giggle there,
Voices in the back of my mind.
Am I hallucinating?
Am I crazy?
I need sleep
Aug 2019 · 391
Alone, Maybe
Allyssa Aug 2019
I felt the familiar emptiness,
The hurt and loneliness.
Maybe it's homesickness,
Yearning for something a little less painless.
Just homesick
Jun 2019 · 266
I Can't Sleep
Allyssa Jun 2019
I feel inadequate,
To say the least.
I mostly feel mad about it,
It's like taming a beast.
I haven't written my jittery thoughts down,
I haven't been able to feel the dark creeping again,
But I feel it now.
I feel every bit of cold,
I feel every bit of sadness,
All I want to feel is fire.
Fire upon any desire,
Other than this.
Other than the plague of my existence on every warm night,
On every sunny day.
I'm like the ******* highway during rush hour between holidays,
A struggle to maintain this facade of normality.
I don't sleep during the summer.
Jun 2019 · 452
Forgotten Summers
Allyssa Jun 2019
Moon-lit slits through ivory curtains,
Windows kept ajar for creeping secrets,
The sound of humming busy bugs.
Beds kept warm through unconscious bodies,
This was what summer was about.
Silly whispers of unkempt persons,
Clothes of disarray,
Tangled limbs and kisses of good mornings,
Time seemingly kept at bay.
Memories never made so none were lost,
Places never visited so never seen,
People of uncharted territory so they were never missed.
Fingers roaming unwanted strangers in the dark,
More silly whispers about a forgotten tomorrow,
No more good morning kisses of today.
I can't seem to sleep during these hauntingly sweet nights.
Apr 2019 · 995
Stories
Allyssa Apr 2019
A story isn’t a story without the beginning.
A beginning that told us from the start that there was an end,
An end so near that we were not ready.
I was afraid of the cliffhanger that approached quicker than a rolling thunderstorm,
A storm that looked only of dark skies with hopes of a drizzle,
Not a flood.
Our passion died like the fire within that storm,
The drizzle that turned from a downpour into a flood warning into a whirling tornado of unhappiness.
My dear, I wish I could say we were the storm but I was the rain and you were the fire but the thing was,
You saw me coming.
You saw the storm and the rain yet you lit yourself upon a dry Sahara of promises and the secret I do’s we whispered to each other during the night.
That dry, crackled earth turned soft and squishy from the waves of turmoil that rained down onto the surface,
The fire doused with remorse over a lost lover.
You weren’t dead,
You just left without saying goodbye.
The ****** was nothing of a ****** but a steady decline of I love you’s to, “Have a good life,”
To barely talking,
To trailing down a hill to the very end of our story,
Regret.
I regret everything but you, my darling.
The damp earth will grow again and while I may remember the dry Sahara,
I will grow a rainforest of color without you in it.
I’m back.
Mar 2019 · 344
Adjourn
Allyssa Mar 2019
This aching in my chest,
Feelings of regret,
Remorse was apart of my dying sorrow,
The life drained from the very existence of my pain.
I had the hands of a dying man,
Old and speckled like the dirt before our time.
I walked without pride in my stride and my unforgiving emptiness was adjourn.
For a moment I felt peaceful with this walk of mine.
Then, I collapsed.
I ache in the presence of you
Mar 2019 · 1.3k
Accidents
Allyssa Mar 2019
I watched the world spin from the windshield of this old car.
I felt the slip of the bald tires,
My hands tighten around the wheel,
And I screamed.
I screamed but somewhere in all of that mess,
That chaos,
I knew I was going to be okay.
I knew I was going to live,
Despite totaling my car.
Trees.
Feb 2019 · 329
Clatter
Allyssa Feb 2019
There was a vast emptiness within me,
A hole that could never be filled.
My bones clattered inside of this body,
A body no longer my own.
With every step I took I felt the weight of my existence lay heavy on me,
My heart beat like the wings of a humming bird and yet I still felt no warmth
I need warmth.
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