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4d · 179
Peach Bellini
Allyssa 4d
There was a time where,
I would think about you, love.
Now, you are nothing.
I almost grabbed the candle that made me weak for you and yet, I knew I was better than that.
Mar 21 · 156
Allyssa Mar 21
Running was never new to me.
Different places,
Different people,
Unfamiliar smells and unfamiliar buildings.
When things became too familiar,
Recognizing street signs,
Familiar names,
Memories and places etched into the back of my mind,
I move again.
Pain is an ever accompanying acquaintance,
A travel partner that never fails to remind me that I am,
In fact,
Always running from something.
Weary bones
Feb 18 · 315
Allyssa Feb 18
I wonder if the mothers of the
     Boys we fall in love with
           Know that they are the
                  Monsters we fear that
                         Lurk in the dark.
                                                           ­                       I wonder if the boys we
                                                                ­              Fall in love with know
                                                                ­      That we break and fall
                                                            ­ Apart within their grasp
                                               When they say, "I love you."
I wonder if they can
     Hear us scream their names
            When we have the nightmares
                       About their beautiful voices
                                Echoing through the night.

                                                               ­                     I wonder if they know
                                                            ­              The pain that they cause
                                                           ­  Within the bodies of future
                                       Mothers who warn their daughters
                             About the men who've hurt them.

                     ­                       All I do is wonder.
I base the love that I have off of the monsters that plague my nights of sleep because I am too strong during the hours of my wake.
Feb 9 · 365
A Letter to You
Allyssa Feb 9
You gave me a sense of endearment,
A wonder of beauty.
I felt whole when I looked at you,
My heart filled with your touch.
I imagine running my fingers through your hair,
Listening to you laugh,
Feeling your hands on my body.
Thank you for giving me an understanding of how to love,
To be capable of loving.
A letter to you
Jan 21 · 414
Allyssa Jan 21
Why are we hard-wired to love the hard?
We mend ourselves to shield from the pain,
Only to jump back into the arms of another "too tight" hug.
We break our backs for the people who don't want us,
Who don't need us,
Who don't love us.
We fall from great heights to trust the drop of water below,
To expect an ocean of greatness,
Of stability.
We end up face first onto the pavement,
Splattered about but still alive.
Alive but dying,
Dying yet alive.
Our brokenness becomes us,
Defining the very feature of what love may or may not be,
According to the bad we suffered before.
We outline our other half into the expectations of what we have experienced.
Is it unjust?
Is this what pulls our hearts into the directions we want it to?
If our love becomes boring,
Does it mean we are content?
Or are we upset that we aren't strung out like a ******,
Addicted to the toxicity like a needle setting fire to someone's veins,
Boring because we found peace among the calamity and we are too young to be just that,
I need more than 5 hours of sleep.
Jan 15 · 346
Allyssa Jan 15
He became a reason of many.
A reason to laugh,
A reason to love,
A reason to be.
With every doubt I ever had,
It was like a cold wash of rain,
Wiping away any negativity that creeped upon me.
There was a wholeness about him,
The calm in the word safety,
A steadiness in the way he talks,
It became an overspill of excitement,
Much like the tide on a sunny day.
He reminded me of cold drives with all of the windows down,
The sound of an acoustic guitar when being plucked,
Drunken laughs and soft whispers of delicate words shared between breathless kisses,
Quiet hums in the still of an empty house.
He became my reason,
He became my home.
You're not just perfect, you're my perfect
Dec 2019 · 239
Can I Leave
Allyssa Dec 2019
It happened again on a
Mother ******* Wednesday
Felt the pain of her
Across the left side of my face
Reminding me that I am nothing
And she
Tells me so.
I am nothing
I am beneath her
And yet,
Another blow
To the same cheek
She swelled before
I no longer loved the cool colors that looked painted across the warmth of my face
Nov 2019 · 402
Allyssa Nov 2019
I am haunted by these
Tortured souls,
I am shaken by these
Tainted lips,
I am hurt by these
Painful eyes,
I am broken by these
Soft hands.
I am in love with you.
I am in love with you.
Nov 2019 · 254
Is This Love?
Allyssa Nov 2019
It’s like you can’t stop thinking about her.
The way she uses her hands to talk,
The way her heart sounds when she’s explaining what falling out of love sounds like,
The way her mouth moves in the shape of smile,
The sound of heartache in her voice because the love of her life walked out on her.
You just wanna be that person,
Take that pain away from her,
Holding her until she’s whole again,
Loving her like the way she loves someone else.
The way you hear your heart being chipped away,
Chiseled under the war hammer of heartbreak.
The stone that becomes your heart when you realize you can be the center of her universe.
Nov 2019 · 288
2:57 a.m. Fantasy
Allyssa Nov 2019
I lay in bed beneath your body,
Panting and exposed,
Your hands created tremors,
Shaking legs and quavering moans.
Your lips were soft on mine,
Hearts fluttering fast,
Heated passionate kisses,
Tangled hair and messy sheets.
Bodies tangled,
Heavy breathing,
Knotted up hair,
Hickey peppered skin.
You said unto me,
Fingers buried in my skin,
My hair covering our faces,
Our foreheads pressed together.
“I will love you forever.”
We were one person,
One moment,
One soul.
We shared the oxygen that lingered between us,
Love poured from heavy weight of our need,
Our want.
We were done for and for once,
I was perfectly fine with his lingering touch on my body.
These bed sheets are mine and his hands felt like home
Nov 2019 · 380
Wolf Skin
Allyssa Nov 2019
He wore a wolfs skin,
a thick hide of coarse fur.
He hid in the forest and only came out at night,
Stalking amongst his prey.
I saw him at the woods line,
Eyes glimmering like the blue green sky in the midst of a new moon.
The air around him clouded,
The cold silent wind rushing in the space between us.
The still of the night softly whispered to us.
My heart thudded,
My lungs were like bricks under the light of the pale moon sky,
My eyes fixated on his.
My wolf,
My spirit,
The churning howl deep in my belly.
Can I shield you from the wilderness of my heart
Nov 2019 · 261
You Made Me a Believer
Allyssa Nov 2019
I never was a believer,
One that promised me my faith anyways.
It wasn't until I laid with you,
Felt you between the crevasse of my legs,
Your soft hands pull and tug at my skin,
The way your hot breath rolled over my lower stomach.
And I ached.
I ached for the warmth you brought me beneath my bed sheets,
The fire in my belly whenever I heard my name roll softly off your tongue,
The tremble in my legs when I thought about you.
Your gaze forever entangling me within my own mind,
Curious to lie with the sin of lust once more,
Tantalizing with the sweet smell of you.
I debated whether or not to speak your name but in the end, I always do.
Nov 2019 · 379
Allyssa Nov 2019
Have you ever fallen in love at first sight?
I didn’t believe it could happen,
And then I met you.
You have no interest in keeping me,
I have every intention of loving you.
You weave in and out of life,
Unknowing of where you’re going to show up next.
Your smell is intoxicating,
Lingering in the air around me,
Falling asleep next to you with your back towards me.
I’ve tasted you on my lips,
I’ve felt you settle into the bones of my life and yet,
You are so fickle.
I know you are not good for me,
I know you aren’t reliable,
But *******.
Why do I feel like I need you like I need air?
I have fallen in love with somebody who knocks on my door for carnal pleasure and I hope you wreck my life.
Allyssa Nov 2019
It’s not them that tears you apart,
It’s the hurt.
There’s rawness in the face of pain,
The type of raw that comes only in waves of pure agony,
Blissfully beautiful after a time of healing.
The type of pain that boils the blood like hot lava,
When it travels through your veins at the sound of another’s name roll off of their tongue,
A picture that didn’t involve you,
A song you can only hear the words,
“I don’t want this anymore,”
Echo through your broken mind.
Our favorite place was no longer filled with the scent of happiness,
But the scent of you.
You linger in the walls that watched our love develop,
The windows that saw the fights that happened,
The doors that slammed shut to separate ourselves from one another to breathe.
Even the air betrays me when I walk through the street,
Always smelling the sweet scent of home.
You are home to me.
Excerpt from a letter that I will never send.
Allyssa Oct 2019
I still find you in the faces of strangers,
People pass by with no hesitation,
But I stop.
I analyze the way their nose might be shaped or the way your voice carried throughout the crowd like you were there,
With me,
Around me.
I drank the ***** to drown you,
I chased it with burning coffee to ease the burn knowing it would make it worse.
I can’t see the beauty in me without you,
I can’t feel my heart without you.
To be honest,
I’m going mad.
Insane, even.
Without you.
I miss you.
I love you.
I don’t want to keep comparing other people to you,
To see parts of you.
I want you.
Only you.
I shouldn’t have drank the *****.
Oct 2019 · 278
Love, a Little
Allyssa Oct 2019
We fell in love slowly,
Not at once.
It was never like the movies where we touched hands and softly gasped,
Never a look from across the room,
We didn’t have a magical moment.
We grew together like the leaves reach for the sun,
We gravitated together like magnets with a light pull.
We danced in empty kitchens,
Sleepily grabbing each other in cold nights,
Sharing the oxygen in the space we occupied together in white sheets.
You made me learn how to love my bed again,
Feel safe in an area I wasn’t made comfortable with,
I found myself feeling okay.
Allyssa Oct 2019
The hint of Newport’s wafted off of your sweater,
The small glow of the radio illuminated your soft face,
The way your eyes held mine in a longing glance.
Your lips were parted slightly,
Small short breaths were shared between us,
Faces inches apart.
I could smell the soft scent of you on your mouth,
Hands brushing against each other in need of intertwining our fingers.
We could close the distance,
Feel the way our lips connected and danced with slow anticipation,
Tasting each other’s need.
Hair pulled,
The aggressive want to touch you,
To be closer to you,
To feel you, feel me.
“Don’t catch feelings,”
You said to me.
“I won’t, I promise.”
I lied.
I’ve gotten attached to your smell,
Your taste,
Your being.
Your soul calls out to mine but you’re afraid to bring me close,
I know.
Please let me in.
Our late night car rides are my favorite memories I have between us.
Oct 2019 · 400
Allyssa Oct 2019
It’s 2 a.m. and you sleep peacefully.
While you dream I stay awake.
I stay in the still of the night watching,
I see the demons that walk during the night,
The fleeting glimpses of the tall man,
The one on stilts with the fedora,
The hanging lady by the tree.
I hear their whispers in the soft wind that blows,
Goose bumps trailing my skin with the presence of them all around me.
It is a warm night yet I feel cold.
A sniffle here,
A giggle there,
Voices in the back of my mind.
Am I hallucinating?
Am I crazy?
I need sleep
Aug 2019 · 349
Alone, Maybe
Allyssa Aug 2019
I felt the familiar emptiness,
The hurt and loneliness.
Maybe it's homesickness,
Yearning for something a little less painless.
Just homesick
Jun 2019 · 205
I Can't Sleep
Allyssa Jun 2019
I feel inadequate,
To say the least.
I mostly feel mad about it,
It's like taming a beast.
I haven't written my jittery thoughts down,
I haven't been able to feel the dark creeping again,
But I feel it now.
I feel every bit of cold,
I feel every bit of sadness,
All I want to feel is fire.
Fire upon any desire,
Other than this.
Other than the plague of my existence on every warm night,
On every sunny day.
I'm like the ******* highway during rush hour between holidays,
A struggle to maintain this facade of normality.
I don't sleep during the summer.
Jun 2019 · 354
Forgotten Summers
Allyssa Jun 2019
Moon-lit slits through ivory curtains,
Windows kept ajar for creeping secrets,
The sound of humming busy bugs.
Beds kept warm through unconscious bodies,
This was what summer was about.
Silly whispers of unkempt persons,
Clothes of disarray,
Tangled limbs and kisses of good mornings,
Time seemingly kept at bay.
Memories never made so none were lost,
Places never visited so never seen,
People of uncharted territory so they were never missed.
Fingers roaming unwanted strangers in the dark,
More silly whispers about a forgotten tomorrow,
No more good morning kisses of today.
I can't seem to sleep during these hauntingly sweet nights.
Apr 2019 · 863
Allyssa Apr 2019
A story isn’t a story without the beginning.
A beginning that told us from the start that there was an end,
An end so near that we were not ready.
I was afraid of the cliffhanger that approached quicker than a rolling thunderstorm,
A storm that looked only of dark skies with hopes of a drizzle,
Not a flood.
Our passion died like the fire within that storm,
The drizzle that turned from a downpour into a flood warning into a whirling tornado of unhappiness.
My dear, I wish I could say we were the storm but I was the rain and you were the fire but the thing was,
You saw me coming.
You saw the storm and the rain yet you lit yourself upon a dry Sahara of promises and the secret I do’s we whispered to each other during the night.
That dry, crackled earth turned soft and squishy from the waves of turmoil that rained down onto the surface,
The fire doused with remorse over a lost lover.
You weren’t dead,
You just left without saying goodbye.
The ****** was nothing of a ****** but a steady decline of I love you’s to, “Have a good life,”
To barely talking,
To trailing down a hill to the very end of our story,
I regret everything but you, my darling.
The damp earth will grow again and while I may remember the dry Sahara,
I will grow a rainforest of color without you in it.
I’m back.
Mar 2019 · 282
Allyssa Mar 2019
This aching in my chest,
Feelings of regret,
Remorse was apart of my dying sorrow,
The life drained from the very existence of my pain.
I had the hands of a dying man,
Old and speckled like the dirt before our time.
I walked without pride in my stride and my unforgiving emptiness was adjourn.
For a moment I felt peaceful with this walk of mine.
Then, I collapsed.
I ache in the presence of you
Mar 2019 · 1.3k
Allyssa Mar 2019
I watched the world spin from the windshield of this old car.
I felt the slip of the bald tires,
My hands tighten around the wheel,
And I screamed.
I screamed but somewhere in all of that mess,
That chaos,
I knew I was going to be okay.
I knew I was going to live,
Despite totaling my car.
Feb 2019 · 263
Allyssa Feb 2019
There was a vast emptiness within me,
A hole that could never be filled.
My bones clattered inside of this body,
A body no longer my own.
With every step I took I felt the weight of my existence lay heavy on me,
My heart beat like the wings of a humming bird and yet I still felt no warmth
I need warmth.
Feb 2019 · 374
I Love You Too
Allyssa Feb 2019
Laying here in your warm embrace,
While the rain trickled and poured,
Tangled bodies in cold sheets.
You said the words that had befallen me once,
Many times before you I believed but this time,
I did.
“I love you.”
Feb 2019 · 784
Snake Skin
Allyssa Feb 2019
I could almost breathe you in,
The way you glided easily through my heart.
You knew the ins and outs,
Twisting and weaving your way up from my ankles,
To my abdomen,
And even though you squeezed,
I could feel my lungs expand and take you in like an intoxicating breath of fresh poison,
Engulfing every part of me.
Leaving scale imprints on my body as if I’m yours
Feb 2019 · 204
Allyssa Feb 2019
And it feels a little emptier each time I remember you.
I see you,
But not really.
I feel you,
But you’re not there.
I hear you,
But everything’s a whisper.
After everything,
I miss you.
I miss everything that are and were.
Why did you leave so soon.
Feb 2019 · 304
Dancing with the Devil
Allyssa Feb 2019
My love to you,
Is no longer.
For the whispers that I believed to be your caressing words,
They were not.
It was the wind telling me to run and every aching bone in my body screamed it.
I laughed in the face of nothingness,
Diving into the abyss you created.
The look of sheer terror flashed across that stricken face,
Expecting me to run from that hole.
I’ve reveled in the dark and I’ve danced with the devil.
A little heartache can’t hurt me.
I wore the heals you bought me to the dancefloor I left you on.
Jan 2019 · 334
Tension on the Battlefield
Allyssa Jan 2019
Love wasn’t your forté.
No, it was your weapon.
You wielded it like a sword on a revolutionary soldier,
Armed and ready to go onto the battlefield as if you had nothing to lose.
Well my dear,
Fear is my aphrodisiac.
Love was the least of my worries.
Deter me from that ******* you call love
Jan 2019 · 339
Your Will Power
Allyssa Jan 2019
While you stuff my throat with your words,
I still have you wrapped around my pinky.
For you are rendered under the power of my lips,
The slight touch of my tongue on your neck,
The will of every man held between my legs.
You shake,
You grab at me,
You moan my name and yet,
You think you have your power.
As I lay with you,
Your soul slips into perdition,
Your eyes beg for mercy,
My fingers trace down your abdomen and leave marks behind.
My pet tiger,
You have earned your stripes and in my keep, you stay.
You buckle under the pressure of my whimpers and whispers,
The scrunch of my face while you hold my body beneath yours,
Our foreheads pressed together in pleasure.
My love,
You cannot leave me.
For I have your own will used against you.
Lust was my power move and you fall for it every time.
Dec 2018 · 418
I Wish It Was Love First
Allyssa Dec 2018
These bed sheets were stained with my battered and bleeding heart,
My dress torn.
This bed of mine was my captor,
I, it’s prisoner.
I fell victim to the prying hands that kept wandering between my legs.
It wasn’t love that brought us here, no.
It was my quiet mouth,
My clothes that fell apart between your fingers like wet sand and the screams I supposedly only muttered.
My innocence had been ripped from me,
Like a piece had physically broken off.
My soul,
My happiness,
My trauma.
You stole from me and it was priceless.
I lost a many of things to me but my purity was my own.
I am expendable and I’ve come to accept it
Nov 2018 · 337
Allyssa Nov 2018
I lay on my back and I opened up to you,
Like a book lying on its spine.
It’s pages spread apart,
You rubbed the coarse paper in between your fingers,
Sliding down the edges even though you knew you would get a paper cut.
You turned the pages ever so softly,
Careful as to not let a crease happen.
My soul danced around your fingers,
My body shook beneath the words you whispered to me,
I spilled my secrets like the jumbled words on white sheets of spilled ink.
I was your novel and I couldn’t be more happy to let you construct the sentences of our slow,
600 page book.
Can I be the protagonist of your story?
Nov 2018 · 249
We Thought it Was Love
Allyssa Nov 2018
Skin on skin,
Tracing each other’s bodies with gentle fingers,
Grabbing with needy hands,
Wanting each other a little less.
Emptying our souls,
Light being cast away,
Love wasn’t here.
Love was an illuminating star.
Our definition of love was like the crumble of earth,
Letting it fall through the cracks of our fingers,
We didn’t make love,
We made numbing promises within our bodies.
Our temple,
Our beloved temple,
We forgot the structure of which it sat upon and now,
Crumbling like the earth,
It collapsed.
It fell and it caved and it hurt.
It hurt like hell.
Our bodies continued to collide,
To touch,
To grind against one another,
But we did not complain.
Feeling physical was the only thing that kept us feeling at all.
*** wasn’t apart of the deal but I guess it is now.
Nov 2018 · 249
Allyssa Nov 2018
Our love was like snow.
It was gentle yet cold,
Pieces of the sky,
Pieces of us,
Drifted and fell.
Darling it’s cold out here,
In this winter bound heartbreak.
Kindled firewood,
Bundled up in blankets,
I tried everything to keep the frostbite out.
Slowly you crept back in,
Like frost in the night,
Covering every inch of my eternal sunshine.
My unhinged mind and my papier-mâché heart,
Folded in on one another with every dispute of my soul.
Snow ever falling,
Piling up in inches,
Measuring my heart diminishing.
Winter days
Oct 2018 · 2.4k
Mossy Rocks
Allyssa Oct 2018
I could tell you that I tip toe across the cold wet stones,
Careful with every movement,
But I’m not.
I’m unsteady,
Unsteady as the current rushing beneath me against the slippery rocks.
I could tell you that I’m dainty,
Soft spoken and polite,
But I’m not.
I’m brazen,
I’m honest,
I’m emotional.
I’m clumsy and I don’t have good balance on the moss beneath me in the water.
I crack under pressure,
I’m an anxiety filled vessel.
I hate to be the rain on your sunny day,
But baby I’m sorry,
I’m nothing but the girl who fell into the rushing waters below.
Oct 2018 · 274
What Do I Call You
Allyssa Oct 2018
Tell me about the hidden closet,
The skeleton key that danced gently upon your collarbone,
Fragile and cold against your pale skin.
I called you.
Elegantly tragic,
Your white horse with his dead eyes stared into the souls of which you kept.
All but mine.
I was the lock to your skeleton key,
Your unwinding and unapologetic soul dwindled in my hollow bones.
Tainted blood and warmth that imitated life itself,
You bringer of death.
Your key belonged to you but your soul belonged to me.
Use my words like a rope to hang me from these heinous crimes you continue to commit.
Oct 2018 · 413
Allyssa Oct 2018
I can’t find the words.
Sometimes it comes out in a jumble,
Other times,
It’s all so quiet.
Help me make sense of the words that seem to fall out of my mouth.
I just need a little help.
Jul 2018 · 272
Piece Of Me
Allyssa Jul 2018
It was quiet,
The way you crept back into my life.
Little by little you became more,
Making me fall for you all over again.
I couldn’t,
I know I shouldn’t,
But I have to say I’m sorry,
Because I did.
You belong to someone else,
And that’s okay,
But you will always belong to me.
Little pieces piled up
Jun 2018 · 236
Summer Home
Allyssa Jun 2018
Little notes of warmth and light
shimmer all around.
Green bugs and blue dew drops
are scattered on the ground.
Blowing breeze and sturdy trees
stand so tall and proud.
Summer songs and childrens' laughter
ringing through the crowd.
Summer memories,
Summer people,
Summer home.
Take your time.
Apr 2018 · 303
Little Balloon
Allyssa Apr 2018
I could tell you that you were enough to hold me down,
Like a weight you'd tie a couple of balloons on,
Steadily letting gravity caress me to it's surface,
Wondering if I’ll ever touch the moon.
I’m a little balloon weighted by the gravity that I did not ask for.
Apr 2018 · 276
Allyssa Apr 2018
It’s been a while,
A long while,
Since I’ve said hello.
I’m sorry to disappoint,
I’m not making much of a point,
If the word is no.
it doesn’t make sense,
But you’ll get it,
If you even check and print.
I’m sorry I’ve disappeared,
A state not so near,
For you to see even me.
I stress over it,
The life you live,
The choices you make without me.
Don’t get me wrong,
I’ve waited long,
To hear your voice again.
I wish I could see you,
From a state so clear,
That I could hug you one last time.
I’m sorry I don’t make sense but I’m hurt you don’t need me anymore.
Jan 2018 · 422
The Deep Dark
Allyssa Jan 2018
It was like an abyss.
Swirling with emptiness,
Black nothingness.
The color was like dark ink on white paper,
Slowly creeping across untouched perfection,
Staining the starkness.
It reminded me of a lionfish,
Slow and poisonous.
Reaching 300 feet,
The sun still breaks the surface with it's tendrils moving with the ocean,
Scattering patterns,
The vulnerable into a predators' jaws.
The deep dark.
Where the fear of emptiness waits,
Where the sun cannot reach,
Rushing water filling your lungs,
Where lungs cannot be lungs but filled with that dark ink.
Your lungs thin as paper,
Stained by the cold currents that continue to fill the empty space.
Paralyzed while everything turns black.
Watching the nothingness consume you but not having the power to control it.
Allyssa Dec 2017
Maybe it's a fluke,
Maybe I'm broken,
Maybe the idea of what I thought I wanted is not for me,
Maybe I'm greedy,
I'm confused,
I'm lost.
I'm sorry that I can't say to you what I want to say,
These empty thoughts,
I'm torn apart.
Help me,
I'm not okay anymore.
I don't know if being okay is enough anymore.
Allyssa Dec 2017
For all of the failed attempts at Love,
I'm sorry I made it seem like I was Great.
For everything I put you through,
I'm sorry I made you carry my Mistakes.
For all of the late nights I broke down,
I'm sorry for showing you how broken I was,
I am.
I'm sorry.
I'm sorry.
Dec 2017 · 422
A While
Allyssa Dec 2017
I've been away for a while,
It seems like nothing is ever going to change.
Forgive me.
I hope you don't mind but I'm afraid to stay and hurt you any further.
Oct 2017 · 446
Divine Right
Allyssa Oct 2017
I wonder if it is the divine right for a king not to apologize.
A king resting in his glory hole,
Savagely ripping apart his council,
Smashing fortifications to the ground in spite.
Some view his kingdom a paradise on the outside but within,
Bricks of hell layer one another in heaps of hate and misconception,
A queen bowing her head in dismay.
Subjects fall without ease,
Knights taking territory from every which way,
The wrath of this king spread over territory not his.
A reign that was not his own.
To the king, his divine right lay with God but to his queen,
His power lays within the dirt their subjects part each other from.
Something a little different.
Allyssa Sep 2017
Hello, mother,
It's me again.
Remember the monsters you used to check for underneath my bed?
It turns out they are all inside my head.
I know you couldn't see them at first,
I couldn't either,
But I heard them whisper,
I heard them chatter,
They listened to me weep.
I don't think you understand,
No, mother,
I know I'm not a child anymore,
But the underside of my bed is all cleaned out,
Yet they still remain.
Empty pockets,
Unopened boxes,
Light switches turned off.
They're intensifying,
They're horrifying,
And they're-
You have to go?
With the lights turned low,
You shut your door,
I'm all alone.
What about the monsters, mother?
I know you can't see them,
I know,
But I hear them,
I listen to them,
I no longer weep.
You said they weren't there,
I believed you.
You said it was the nights anticipation,
But it was my damnation.
You're still not listening to me.
They're inside my head,
I have this sudden feeling of dread,
I have to get this feeling off my chest,
Lay me to rest.
That is my last request.
From the daughter you never seem to listen to.
Sep 2017 · 467
The Woods
Allyssa Sep 2017
I wrote to you, love.
I hope you got my message.
I am leaving here.
Listen to me.
Sep 2017 · 628
Ode To My Depression
Allyssa Sep 2017
Ode to my depression.
Applause to you, my friend.
Lightning strike,
Grey plaid,
Everything oh so bad,
To you,
Sharp knife,
Locked door,
No, mom,
I'm not taking nudes.
There was a time when I was 15 and my younger sister joked I was going to become an addict of some sorts,
And I joked back with,
"As an alcoholic."
The look of appeasement trying to joke with me wiped off her face,
Whether I could tell I was joking or not made me question my entire existence.
An avid life of a drinker was not full of red solo cups and parties,
It was full of lonely nights clutching a bottle closely to my chest,
Afraid that it will grow legs and leave me,
Tired of the way my lips caressed the opening to drink the poison that I hoped would succumb me into nothingness.
Much like you,
My darling,
Growing tired and ever weary of the way my grey plaid shirt resembled so much like your heart,
The way lightning struck the ground like your eyes struck me in awe.
I spend my days binge watching shows with endings I have already seen a thousand times,
But what do I do when checking my phone every two minutes becomes routine,
When refreshing my messages becomes apart of my subconsciousness,
When I've drank black coffee so strong that I no longer feel the rush of alertness.
Subway trains echo with the tired grumbles of those stuck in one-frame lives,
Too tired to move forward,
Too stuck to look away from the past.
I know I mean nothing to you just like the dirt beneath the shoes I bought you,
The phone I changed my wallpaper on because it never felt right,
The google browsers cluttered with things like,
"******* yourself without actually dying."
I've become so easily submerged in mundane society,
Wake up,
Drink coffee,
Forget to shower,
Walk out the door,
Hoping my world ends.
Taking that locked door to my bathroom at two in the morning,
Holding a knife with a not-so-ever gentle hand,
My mother knocking on the door I have collapsed upon.
I am tired,
But you do not get when I say I am tired.
You do not notice my window covered,
My lights turned off,
My settings on the lowest possible in hopes that heartbreak will never find me,
But the bright light from my phone screen is still too bright and the picture of you while I'm scrolling though my feed on Instagram stops my heart.
My lungs no longer work,
My body goes numb,
Tears that I thought I had run out of the night before have returned.
All I feel is the chest splitting pain that seems to resonate through my body,
Trailing down into my fingertips,
Hands tingling from the absence of your hand in mine.
So I roll over,
Turn off my phone,
I whisper a goodnight.
To the nonexistent lover I never managed to keep.
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