I can't be any closer to you
You can't be further away
                    I just want time to freeze
                    I don't want anything but to stay
                                        Stay here
                                        With you
Look at me
While I pretend to be asleep
                    Resting on your shoulder
                    You holding my hand
                                        *Just stay

The dreams and the crying and the dreams and the crying and the wondering whatever the **** I did to deserve this. Waking up in a cold sweat, tangled in sheets and emotions that cling to my skin like scars, like tattoos, like you. Who the hell even cares right? Who cares about what I wake up as at two a.m., three a.m., four a.m., five a.m., noon. Who cares when I'm standing naked and still can't take off the things that weigh me down. Who ******* gives a **** about hearing that kind of news and not being able to forget how much it hurts. The knife that keeps on stabbing you in the chest, and you can't feel your feet or your arms or your fingers or your lips, but you can't escape the feeling in your chest -- the throbbing in your chest. My heart is too broken to break is what I used to comfort myself with, and now I can't sleep and now I can't move and now I  can't breathe and now I can't live without you.

There is nothing to do here
But dress in black
Black and leather
And walk around in the dark
Bumming cigarettes and love
Off of people
You pretend not to know

the eyes.
it's always the eyes that get me.
and i stopped seeing yours --
looking into those pools of blue...
trying to figure you out,
even though i already knew.
you've moved away,
though i suppose i've moved too.
i just didn't quite realize
how much of my muse
was you.

painting my nails
tastes like kissing you
- george

Wake up
It's Monday
Lace up your shoes
Walk out the door
No one to notice anymore
There's no one here anymore

Wake up
It's Tuesday
Makeup your face
Walk straight to work
To get a good tip just flirt
Smile so it doesn't have hurt

Wake up
It's Wednesday
Comb out your hair
Go through the rain
The wet can hide the pain
That's on your face in stains

Wake up
It's Thursday
Look in the mirror
Avoid your eyes
Don't listen to empty lies
To whispers in their eyes

Wake up
It's Friday
Brush your teeth
Swallow all fear
No one left to listen here
None to shout, ****, or jeer

Wake up
It's Saturday
Click out your notes
Play back the laughs
You've recorded in drafts
Not much ever seems to last

Wake up
It's Sunday
Button your dress
Go pray at church
Tell yourself it all has worth
How could it get any worse

Wake up
It's Monday
Lace up your shoes

Save a life, of course
Pick you up, pouring rain
But get your beer-coated breath out of my face




Stop shouting, we'll buy your smokes
Putting your hands on her arm
Dragging your fingers to trace
My hands shove you back
Sit down in the back seat
You push me away

She's driving
For God's sake she's driving
   Stop whispering in her ear
     She's yelling
   Stop whispering in her ear
     She's whimpering
   Stop whispering in her ear
     She's sobbing

Get your lips off her
Sit down in the back seat
We are on the highway
We cannot stop
We are on the highway
Sit down in the back seat
Don't park the car
**You can't park th-

"Oh, you lured me in, I couldn't sense the pain"
    Of trying to hold onto a heart wrapped in barbed wire

My own heart pounding in my throat
I simply cannot let go
As the days turn to weeks
And the earth freezes over
I bleed out into the snow

      *The crimson crystals as intense as
      The fresh sting of pain
      That has been with me as long as I can remember

I am a love-drunk and depleted decay
Wide eyed, still aflame
Shredded like strips of paper that blow in the wind
Yet I fall apart only to keep close
Bleeding out, I am made all the more numb
By the promise of what lies just beyond

I was barren
A deserted landscape
Full of papercuts from my house of cards
And a tree with no more leaves
I would watch the earth crack
And pick at the places where the ground split
Until I was isolated
I couldn't move
All I could do was think
A task best done when morale is not so low
I was addicted to feeling pain
Pain that I could measure and prescribe myself
I self medicated with insults and inhalants
Mockery and mutalation
Addicted to my meds is what I became
So addicted to sadness
I never wanted it to leave

But here I am
Clean and cultivating
The fruit that
My new land has produced
And now I feel good
Mind and heart content
I can finally love you

When you pack and unpack
And move into your dorm
What will you do
With the memories I tucked into your hand
With the hand I gave you to trust
With the smile that you always summon from me
With the words I made sure you heard
With the heart I've given you

Will you bring them with you
Or leave them for your brothers to pick through

close your eyes and i'm here
i open mine and i swear
nothing could have led me to believe

the ceiling is so far away
i watch the clouds rush with every hour
with each second that fades i cower

when we leave
nothing is the same
how could space contain
the moments time can't number

the breathing that never began cannot cease
nothing could have led me to believe

i look at my hands chipped
glass fingertips
falling off as i try to touch the world

the people who have tried to inhabit
this space that wasn't meant for them
their gentle touch gone frightens the wind

i beg for forgiveness
i never wanted this to rip through us
now we are apart
in this space that doesn't exist

everything here is falling apart
like my glass fingertips

We were walking through the field,
staring out at Boston.
I was choking on the whisper
of a memory of another here.

I gathered two wild flowers
and I showed them to you:
the familar
          Queen Anne's Lace has always been my favorite,
and the new
          I don't know what this one's called,
          but it's purple and pretty.
          They're both so lovely together.

I don't think you understood that
I was talking about us.

I know I laugh too loud
   I like to stay up too late
   My jokes aren't always funny
   And I'm not super into frisbee

I'm afraid of water
   Math is my sworn enemy
   I paint with too much paint
   And I flirt as well as a rock

But you wake up early
   Run the extra mile
   Just to bring me my tea
And I wish I knew how to thank you

I just want the kind of peace
you get when
you hum to sad song

                 I just want the kind of smile
                 that slips onto your lips when
                 you hear little kids laughing

                                  I just want the kind of love
                                  you feel when
                                  someone wants you to know they care

                              I just want the kind of complete
                                       you make me, dear~

I tried to recreate the memory you once confessed you loved
I just didn't expect you to confess you were in love
You have lost the weight I have gained
You have made new memories that layer over the only ones I own
How can I stand next to you yet feel so far from home

What day is today?
I haven't done much sleeping.
          I can't guess that look on your face...
     I pass right through you --
       Or you through me.
                                      ...The feeling is the same,
                                No matter the details.

          "The invisible hand,"
                                They say it guides us all.
            That, in combination
                                                  With your well measured affection,
                                           Is perhaps why I feel
                                                    so small.

I drown in sadness
I don't let go
It's my curse
The curse of strings
Tied so tightly they choke me
I can't break the bonds
No matter how I try
I am caught in a web
Of memories
Of hope
Of dreams
Of the past
Cut short
By me
I am a knife
A knife that can't cut myself loose
Only scare away
I threaten, I menace
Yet I remain bonded

I suppose even the sharpest blades have their limits

Bleed in to me
If I cut myself open and peal back the layers
Will you come inside
Can I fold you into me

I have to write the things I can't tell you
It's been driving me insane
You treat me like I'm your sister
And you probably think I'm a pain
But thirteen years is too long to scribble your last name in note books
Play pretend with dolls
Daydream about a wedding that will never be reality
It's so unfortunate don't you think
I choose the wrong guys
You choose the wrong girls
They say I don't want to ruin what I have
I say I don't want to lose what could be
But how do I confess my love
To my life-long "buddy"

Buy me a bottle of whatever you're drinking
cause I'm trying to bury myself in the grave next to your hollow bones

Pace through the traffic back and forth
Maybe I'm blindfolded or just plain blind

Buy me another bottle of whatever you're drinking
cause I'm tired of pretending I'm at war when all I want is peace

I'm staring at the stars, I followed your eyes there
Now I find myself praying you might shift your gaze
Maybe glance at me when I'm not looking

I'll take another round of whatever you're drinking
cause I'm hoping your skeletons are as dark as they look

Lately it's been too bright to sleep
I can see carpe noctem etched in your fingertips
Like a print: your identity

I'll have another glass of whatever you're drinking
cause I can't think of another way to get close to you

For I'm already buried by your hollow bones

I'll take one last shot of whatever we've been drinking
cause it has to be better than drinking the same old **** alone

And I can't tell you that it hurts
Cause it's not supposed to
And I can't tell you that I miss you
Cause I'm not supposed to

And I can't tell you that I need you to sleep
Cause I'm not supposed to
And I can't tell you I want to talk to you more than anyone else
Cause I'm not supposed to
And I can't tell you that I wish I could watch you smile once more
Cause I'm not supposed to

And I can't tell you I'm sorry
Cause I'm not

I write my name
My label, my identifier
My word, my definer
I write my name
And it looks wrong, outgrown
Do I have the power, the control
The grip
To change it

Get a grip
Stop slipping
State the facts
Stop tripping

You’re 17 and you’re young
You’re 17 and you have metal in your head
You’re 17 and you have metal taste
Stuck on your tongue
Dripping off when you talk
Forming the puddles in which you walk
Pooling in words that burn
They are a curse slipping through the smile
That reaches your eyes
Only because you painted it there

With brown eyes you can't make friends
With brown eyes you cried until you couldn’t
With brown eyes you smile like it’s free
You quit dancing
You quit schooling
You quit pretending
You started pretending

I am not the same as the infant born 17 years ago
I am not the same as the name that they gave me
I am not the same as the others that held my name
I am separate from that title
I am something new, beyond
Something true and someone gone

Scar after scar twinkles in the light
Hair after hair is torn out every night
What do you call a work in progress
Incomplete is not my name
I am not quite obsolete
To many I appear petite
To many I should just retreat
What a privilege to be given something to cling to that you never desired to own
No, rain is not the same as snow

A name is not a name
My name is not my name
It is a label I stole from fame
Nicole Kidman is not my role model
But her role was my model
My mother was her model on set
But this is a stage on which we are players
And I will not give a verse a name that is not of my own creation
I will not credit the broken, glue-coated, splinters of myself
To some foreign and separate person
No, not to someone else

The girls say my skin's too pale
          And the boys say my hair's soft
                    But I don't really care either way
The girls say my bones are frail
          And the boys say my spirit's loud
                    But I could care less either way
The girls say my teeth are crooked
          And the boys say my whispers waft
                    But I don't have a care either way
The girls say I should be overlooked
          And the boys say I should be proud
                    But I don't care at all either way

The bite was probably the worst part
                      It rained everyday I thought about you
                      And poured everyday I tried not to
I ran for miles hoping to get close enough to see you
But you had left weeks prior
                      I couldn't scale even your shortest wall
                      Because there were already too many trying to climb it
                      So I've been waiting outside your door
                      Hoping you might remember your promise
                 And let me in
           Before another snake tastes my heel
     While I wait beyond your towering walls
Watching all the other girls you push fall

Your pointe shoes still hang at your window
Your trophies still top your bookshelf
Your certificates are all there, filed neatly
Your jar of compliments is on hand to read

So stop forgetting who you are
What you're worth
Think of the tears you dry
Think of the smiles you're thrown
Think of your "sisters" who want to be you

I love your hair like hay and your eyes like midnight
I love the curve of your waist and the crooked smile
I miss the the laughter that you gave everyone
I miss the safety that you provided for the wondering

I miss the girl before the scars
On her body and on her heart

remember that thing
that thing you hated
that thing i made you do
that thing we are going to do together
i am going to see you today
really see you
actually see you
for the first time
the first time ever
the first time in two years
two long years
you will see me
remember me, the girl
remember me, the girl
say you'll remember me
that girl you called
you called
you called me Maybe and i called you forever
you and i
remember that thing you hated
that thing we're going to do today

That's about me
Talking about me
You hate me
I know you're looking right at me
Talking about me
Laughing at me
Pointing at me
Whispering about me