I was
lost

and you were there.

Standing upright,
uncertain and confident of the fact.

All of you were.

I was there when we first found one another.
Somewhere along the line we became you and I
in my mind.

All of you
and I.

We’re surprisingly similar
you and I
but the focus for me at the time was always on what made us different

what made us unique.

What I couldn’t find was what made us kin.
Connected by what other than us wanting to be so?

I want to say I know now
though I’ll never be certain without asking

which I’m afraid to do.
Will you think me the one that gone away

still lost.

I’ve grown
more confident of my uncertainty

much like all of us

that I know

Today blows
the wind is whipping
all the shutters closed
yet gusts of dust roll through me
not cutting
nor biting
but blustering breezily
as though I'm not there
as though I'm not aware of such zeitgeist climates
as those that I reside in

I am not here
and the air won't give me oxygen
as I'm caught within a cyclone of my own
Mine
that is me
has been me, mostly
no longer

On this day
let me be wrapped in aerial vestments
the warm west rekindling my breast
the cool east resetting my bones
bring me back from the brink I breached so long ago
and let my solid form settle the storm

What is a woman?
what makes her so?

Is it her body?

Of course not

Is it her mindset?

Of course not

What is it, then, that makes a woman a woman
other than her choice to be seen as such?

Or is it innate?

If neither the body or mind are the genesis
then do we even have a choice?

Are we simply the gender we are born as?
whatever essence settled in our embryonic bellies?

I couldn't say

All I know
is that when I choose to view myself as the woman I am
my conscience is kinder to and more supportive of me

And for me,
that's enough

I don't need an excuse to be happy,
don't forget that.

I don't have to assign blame for it,
like it's someone else's fault,
as though it's a negative.

I am happy.

Happy is me.

Put the star on the Christmas tree.

I'm not close enough
to you

This distance
is ******

We've been apart
two long
free to four or thrive

I wither with no connection
hating to hide in tense

and you keep guesses in repression

don't delve
into this lifetime
alone

No sleep 'til I'm dreaming
let exhaustion try and take my consciousness

I don't want to be awake anymore
but shutting my eyes is a waste of time

My bed is a wasteland of waking nightmares
and the air is hot in October

I thought tears could take me
but the last try I cried myself to activity

Melatonin is a hoax I hold no hope for
and **** is a drug that gets me ****** up

Even this isn't helping
maybe it can help you

A spastic in a cavern
reverberating passions
compacts patterned actions

Insanity dampened

A daft wit half lifted
listens with intention
past trending effervescence

Observable words
turning in circles
perfectly working
affirmed in impermanence

Serpents within swirls
swerve in the verve
curvature burned irksome
turbidity skinned earnest

Journal pearls quirked
turpentine turbulence
since worries serve nervousness
the cure in spurts of churlishness

…
not yet
…

Wait until you’re called!

…
why are you fidgeting?!
…

Be patient!

…
almost
…

You're not in my class
neither are you
it's the right time
but something's off

Wrong room
wrong room

We swapped

I forgot
just roll with it
act like you belong
no one will notice

Everyone's noticed
leave before it's too late

Where am I supposed to be

Grainy and clear blue
always loud but with moments of silence
rhythmically chaotic
a paradox of logic

And the people there
those people
are the same

Comedy class
is a joke
but that's how it's supposed to be
if it weren't we'd be in
serious trouble

I haven’t seen you for the first time again
but I’m not sure I want you to see me twice
at first glance

I’ve changed to want myself
and I’m scared you still won’t
so I don’t try
because I want you to

I mean I started it
and the end is in sight
it just seems like such waste of time
all for a period
to start anew

When leaves are left on the sidewalk
the sun cooks their image into the concrete
so when the foliage is kicked up
their baked imprint remains

In reality it’s the pavement that’s changing
while the leaf shape is safe from the heat
creating a brief haven for feet

Sniffle on the train
a sneeze among the trees
bless you at your desk
sleeve wipe when out of sight

So sticky an issue
your own mother wouldn’t kiss you

Should’ve brought tissues

I’ve been rolling like a stone
down the road we go
roaming the unknown
with no hope to slow

Over and over
sky to sand
sober and slower
a tired plan

The middle is intermittent
simply not in your wishes
timid to be intrinsic
invisibly in your limits

Top to bottom
orbit to ocean
flopping and flotsam
rotating motion

I’m here

Which feels like the best I can do

It’s undoubtedly a contribution
I’ll be the contrast
everyone can talk
while I’m not

Makes me wonder

Rachel Ray was amazing
to the tot that watched
while grandparents talked
to the parent that brought me along

Sat hands in lap
on the living room floor
slowly arching back as each meal passed

We never made any recipe
though I'd thought a lot about it
and often wanted to

What kind of non-human:
makes a bowl of oatmeal
adds chia and flax seeds
with a little bit of
light brown sugar
and eats it for breakfast?

What sort of creature:
packs a snack lunch
and eats it on a bench
before going to work?

I knew confidence was key as a kid
whenever I'd find myself in a singles bathroom
I'd bring my shirt over my head
and wear it like a backpack strapped across my shoulders

For confidence, of course

Crying so hard you gum up the works
flem and spit that's gotta go down
nowhere else but the throat

Saying the wrong thing
being met with immediate silence
as you sweat and shuffle in your shoes

Hearing the wrong thing
and not knowing if you should speak
so you swallow followed by
'uuu-'ntil someone stops you

I sit silent
quiet but awake
saving energy

Prepared for interaction
scared of wasting power
I wait

Slowly cyclical

Armor clad, the blue knight sits alone
wondering why no one calls back

'Sure there's a dragon, but that doesn't stop them from picking up the phone once in a while!’

'Don't you think I have my own “dragons” to deal with?!’
cries the blue knight

'I know you said you don't need any saving,’

But

‘you should be grateful I even offered!’

And so the blue knight sulks
waiting to save no one from nothing

I feel like I'm stuck
on what is
and what's snot

Post nasal drip
is when mucus in the nose
drops down to the throat

Voice coated and smothered

'It's not that bad’
a prime example

I can feel it on the nape of my neck
a single drip slip sliding down

Is it me or the heat?

My breathing is shallow
calmly alarmed
afraid to exist past the lips

Nervous of the temperature
this place generates
weathered down to the pore
with no semblance of rest

Did I make a mistake
in not finagling for AC
and laying under layers

I hid my old bed in the basement
of the last place I lived
sitting with the box spring and frame

It’s a great, full set
I had to let it go
roaming back home
which is nowhere near close

I’ve run out for a few days
no place to leave things
watching my pile
waiting for dispersion

This in there
that in here
warmth in drawers and closets

I have a,

well,

I'm unsure what to call it.

Deep
receding
yet receiving water

I see you see me
but see, you see me as 'them'
I see, you see them

A trees trunk is tough all over
not a soft part but the leaves
only when cut does it form a gradient

Smooth with the grain
rough against

We need that reflection
otherwise risking a finite spectrum
though nature would have its own way

When cereal is being made
and someone fumbles a batch
but doesn’t dispose of it
it can end up in your bowl

Not something to panic over
though you will
as it can turn the face red upon consumption

Not like leaving the gym
more of a tomato with a fever

Vegetation subsiding over time
left paralyzed in confusion
but still with a stomach quite full

A voice of the sun
Eyes that shine in the moonlight
Oh crap they saw me

They start as a single
before moving to unity
a chorus of chortles
to those who listen for that

It’s hard not to
when they rehearse in your right ear
and perform in the left

You said that they could
lent them the key
thought about drowning out
with a little symphony

What a ******* mistake that was

Tip of the top to ya’!
Good
good
g o o d
mornin’!

A fine one
ain’t it

Quite the day!
To say the least

Wake
to the arising
of the first glimpse
breaking the skyline

A peak at first
streaks and slivers
as it’s begun

I’m afraid to sleep on earth
for the fear of having to fight again
battling for rest
only against myself

Past the stratosphere
no one can hear you dream
like they were trying all along

And I can’t either
which is what made it so appealing
but you can only wrestle with nothing up there
for so long
until the sky comes down again

When a professor asked me
to imagine I was in love with someone
‘what is it about them?’

I thought of sitting up
in bed or on a couch
talking all night
running fingers through hair

What I said was,
‘their hair’
and was told that that was superficial

Everyone’s been looking
to be seen

Reflective deflections
attempted perfection
detecting surrections

I see
you
see me
through
and through

Oof

Ow

You got me.

What now

Tss

Ah

What a
crushing
blow.

Mm

Yah

You showed me

Do not eat
two full dill pickles
soaked in Franks Red Hot Sauce
with an eight and a half ounce bag
of Flaming Hot Cheetos
also dipped in hot sauce
without expecting repercussions

feeling the breath co-mingle
when our chests are pressed
dancing to the in-and-out-
smitten with rhythm
indignant of dignity

invigorated significance
in figure eights and sycophants

given and taken
hidden to shaken
win it by faking

I’ve been playing this game
for **** near twenty one years
and long ago lost track
of my wins and losses

I simply got caught up
in the winsomeness
of all that is

Why keep a tally
that’s callous and rigid
with the infiniteness of living at your fingertips

Beneath a wave
as it rolls overhead
there's a moment of fright
in missing the crest

but it comes again
and goes off
no end

Though crashing now
in the tumult of water
eventually resurfacing
beginning to grow
and rolling over
the peaks
of once before

I had a-
Nevermind

Never
tell
see
speak
think it

Nevermind your own business
sever ties with your instincts
every time they aren’t in sync
with
efforts grinding you empty

Without
knee **** reactions
screams turn so placid
it seems the world is plastic
and ceases further advancement