I won't be there when they reminisce
On the way Ciaran courld purse his lips,
Or ask for a sucker and with his wayward look.

                   we dropped them off at school
                    gave them treats and broke the rules
                    we were cheering, clapping, beaming
                    we're with you when you're young
                    we helped teach you right from wrong

They'll laugh at my raisins,
And frozen cheesesticks,
The fruity yogurt,
My silly magic tricks.
They'll talk for years about our Sunday morns,
The BLTC's ... and... little storms... and
Then they'll mourn.

                        we picked you up on rainy days,
                          you'd have sleep-overs and movie galas,
                          we took you to concerts, plays and games,
                          to swimming pools on sun splashed days,
                          and gladly do it next year again

One would shyly ask for a cookie,
A digestive or an Oreo,
One would ask for licorice,
Or a fugesickle with a spoon and dish.
And one, a grandson or daughter,
Would meekly ask for a straw and water.

                            you see us whisper with Mom & Dad,
                             and wonder if it's good or bad,
                             but we confirmed sizes and bikes
                             and arrangements for an overnight

In days to come you'll reminisce
On all the things we'll surely miss.

I was five hours through my trip of eight
When I saw through bug guts light tearing cloud
I was thinking about clips sent my way
Of her play with the offspring of her own

Laughing without regard for somber weight
Which hung on us like a funeral shroud
Her spirit was ready were it the day
She was prepared if then she would have flown

But how it closed with a coffin lid’s freight
What tears under such sorrow we allowed
In front of his daughter dying he lay
Soon enough I’d have his pictures alone

In the light I saw insects smashed to death
“Three hours left” I said under my breath

He presented the model ship,
sitting it carefully on a footstool,
and we toured the deck together
towards pen-barrel pipes,
past toothpick benches
and matchstick fences.

Larger than life, yet
held in two warm hands.

I traced the brushstrokes of
the oak-brown gloss across
the hull with gentle fingertips, mirroring
every hour of effort, every hour
of time.
My finger lingered over a
patched imperfection.

I saw every grand story play
out before me, a hundred times
smaller, condensed against time.
Hands mimicked the motions of
an ocean, rocking in time
with his melodic memories
as his voice reeled tales
of the youth that
still glimmered
in his dusted eyes

Surrounded in the comfort
of the rippling blue carpet
practiced hands map out the
scenery - a scene I see clearly -
the lighthouse
the navigating star.

On the shrunken hull, behind the
asterix helm, I see a miniscule man
- eyes a pure portion of the
ocean - gazing out at the
watercolour horizon, eyes on
the indication of any
destination lying beyond.

I remember that light vividly
Watching peace flicker within the trees
When a crow flew by, whispered something to me

Now, basking in the mourning sun
Everything was still, inert, and calm
Yet I can sense the somber nights to come

Continued my walk while holding my breath
The bugs in the dirt can now hear me wept
It’s time for the sunrise but someone has set

There’s nothing that gets me more excited,
Then hearing we’re eating,
Grandma’s biscuits this afternoon.
Whether morning, evening, or night,
I’ll eat them at any time.

So many stories,
Of a long life,
I can barely picture.
Ones filled with joy,
Humor,
Pain,
And grief.
How I delight,
To hear her tales,
Whether tall or not.

Every year,
She visits her sister,
Out in Michigan,
And they go on a trip,
To Arizona.
If I was her age,
I wouldn’t want to move,
I see the pain,
Behind her smile.
I know, though,
As long as she can,
She’ll visit her sister,
In Michigan.

During the summer,
When things seem to slow,
She’s there with activities,
To mellow out the flow.
Yet sometimes, I admit,
I complain and I groan,
A foolish mistake,
The effects not yet shown…

We’ve been through a lot,
She’s seen a lot more than I,
Yet we share that connection,
That connection,
Of family tied so tight.

One of her sons,
Fell in a hole,
And picked up a bottle,
And sold his soul.
I know it wasn’t my fault,
And out of my control,
Yet the way I reacted,
To his actions,
Haunts my soul.
Where he used to reside,
Gutted and reformed,
Filled with fabric,
Waiting to be used.
Sometimes I walk into that room,
To remember…

Even when she’s hurting,
And she can barely walk,
She’ll fix up a supper,
Before you can stop her.
Her stubbornness incalculable,
A trait passed to my mom,
And my brother,
And probably me,
I can’t deny,
Sometimes she worries me.

I’ve already witnessed the end,
On my dad’s side,
The lots, eighteen in all,
Or so I thought.
My neighbors to the right,
Shield your eyes…

I don’t know if I’ll ever be ready,
When she leaves us behind,
I’ve questioned myself,
Late at night.
I know it’s part of the process,
But that doesn’t numb the pain,
If anything, the inevitably,
Makes it twice as agonizing.
I don’t tell her my worries,
I don’t want to see her cry,
For if she does,
I will,
And we’ll both be a mess.

She’s read my stories,
I haven’t sent her a poem,
Scared, and nervous,
About this side of me.
The part kept hidden,
Until the clacking of keys,
Not a fear of acceptance,
But a fear of worrying.

So for now,
While she’s here,
My sweet,
Mommom,
I’ll enjoy,
Your biscuits,
And your sweet tea.
I’ll push the dark thoughts away,
We’ll cross that bridge someday,
But that day is not today,
So I’ll push the dark thoughts away.

Grandparents,
How special,
How precious,
And finite.
How I love mine…

Waiting for the worst
Because in 8 days
They will come
The family
The elders
I think people need to stop saying
"Respect your elders."
Because why should i respect them
If they don't respect me

Respect is earned
Not demanded
So maybe
You should stop calling me she
Or transphobic comments
And start treating me like the grandson i am

Grandpa addicted to cannabis
Grandma addicted to alchohol
Their garage reaks if sadness
I think the reason they do this to themselves
Is because they might hate me for who i am
But I think they hate themselves more

My neighbors to the right,
Every other day I would go to the fence.
So I could gaze at your house,
To see if I could figure out what was going on over there.
It always looked so secluded back in the corner.
It was quite the view.

I remember we would visit,
Once or twice every other week.
Maybe even more often than that.
My memories have begun to blur.
We would talk to you,
And I would listen to your stories.
Of how things were back then,
And I would fantasize about how things were in your time.

I would explore
The mysteries on your property
And my family would fish
In one of two ponds
Holidays were the best
Family all together
The days went flying by
And deep down in my heart
I loved my neighbors on the right

We called you by some nicknames
Couldn’t tell if you liked them or not
But I didn’t care

She would give us doughnuts
Of many different flavors
They were so delicious
That I forgot to savor the time we spent

He would tell us stories and tell us goodbye
Everytime we left he wanted to make sure we were told hi
The little things that made me happy all the time
From my neighbors to the right

Then time ticked on by
And before I knew it years had been left behind
You were getting slower and I was getting older
And we were running out of time

When he was gone I didn’t believe it
Time stood still
Then I began to notice
How empty things felt
And the deafening silence

We kept coming over to see your smiling face
And even though one was gone your joy never ceased
I could tell when we walked into the room it made your day as much as it made mine
But I knew it wouldn’t last forever
And time was running out

And time kept moving on
Things came and went with time
And deep down inside my heart I knew
I was losing my neighbors to the right
Time kept chasing me
And before I knew it years gone by
Middle school was coming to its end very quickly
And all I wanted to do was go back
And talk to my neighbors on the right

You started slowing down even more
And things started to sway far away from normal
To tell the truth it scared me greatly
I didn’t want to believe the worse
But I wasn’t naive enough to believe the best
Things went from bad to worse
Time started to go slower
I enjoyed every little visit
Every tiny conversation
But deep down in my heart
I’d fear that any one of those visits
Would have been the last
And eventually it was

Mom and Dad ran up to see you
But you were gone before they even made it there
But when they left
I felt that something wrong would happen
Turns out I was right
When Mom and Dad delivered the news
I couldn’t even think about what to do
That night was the hardest
Even though I thought I was ready
I was dead wrong
The loss finally hit me
And I fell apart
All the memories flashed over
And all the times that I passed up
Listening to all your stories
And all the times I decided to stay home
Instead of visiting with you two
Guilt was knocking at the back of my brain
All the time I wouldn’t get back
All the time I wasted
All the time I spent doing stupid things
Every little thing
Every Christmas where we would visit you
Would never happen again

Still didn’t believe it weeks later
Sometimes I would be in my room and randomly cry
I assumed the reason was
Because I thought about you again

Dad wanted to buy the house
The place where his memories lied
Mom knew we couldn’t
I never saw my Dad cry before
The family went by and grabbed all the stuff
Until the house was barren inside and out
All I wanted was a windmill
But it was already gone

And time ticked on by
Before you know it nine months have gone by
A new owner for the house you once lived in
My neighbors to the right

My family went fishing one last time
One last chance before it was too late
To enjoy ourselves in what once was
It didn’t work for me
I felt I had to leave
My Mom asked where I was going and I said to think
A lot of thinking I did
In hindsight I should have just stayed
I walked up to the front door and tried to get inside
It was locked so I checked the other doors
No luck so I sat down on the front porch and sighed
I wanted to kick down the door so bad
To see what had happened in the home I so adored
But it was futile I knew
So I just let my brain go of the rails
The memories began to flash back
And I felt a presence to my left and my right
Regret and guilt exploding in my mind as we watched the sun set
Before I knew it, it was time to go
So I said goodbye
The house set so still
As we drove into the night
As I looked back at the house
I felt something inside
A feeling of intense sadness
I think a part of my heart died

My Dad would talk about what he should have done
He should have bought the house
I feel conflicted because deep down in my heart
I feel just fine where I am
All I have ever known is in my house
While his is just to the right
A battle of memories
A fruitless fight
He knows it couldn’t have been done
And that is why I think it hurts him so much
He may think I may never understand
But I do
I envision this scenario every day in my head

Middle school came to a close
You weren’t there to say good job
High school was on the horizon
Before you know it I will be driving
What a scary thought that is

I never told you that I wanted to be a writer
Or that I already was
One of the many regrets
I bet you would have loved what I wrote

Time kept ticking on
As my memories began to blur
I forget the sound of your voices
I thought that I would get used to the pain
Eventually it starts to numb
Until you tear off the band-aid
Many nights in my room
Wishing you were still here
Wishes only get you so far
Especially when what you wish for isn’t real

My family saw a road leading into the property
A road that wasn’t there before
We went to investigate
We should have just drove on by
A bunch of lots eighteen in all
The property cut like a pie
Into a bunch of tiny little pieces
Like a nightmare come to life
I couldn’t believe what I was seeing
How could they do this, it wasn’t fair
But no matter what I thought or I wondered
The deal was already sealed


My neighbors to the right
I sometimes go to the fence
But what I see is not your house
It is a bad dream
I see the lots eighteen in all
As I gaze upon the property
I see construction vehicles sitting by
More like the ruination of precious memories
Not like the driver could care any less
They are clueless and blind to what I see

I miss the different flavored doughnuts
And the stories you’d tell
Oh you don’t know all that I’d give
Just for one more day
To tell you that I love you
MeMaw and PePaw though I bet you already know
Not a day goes by when I don’t think about you
Especially in December.

So my neighbors to the right
When I look over the fence, cover your eyes.
You don’t want to see what I see
Though you already do.
I hope somewhere out there
You're proud of what I have done.
Because no matter what
No matter how long time ticks on
You will always be
My neighbors to the right.

A shattered being is all I want from destiny,
Oh my beloved one, would you put me together?

My smithereens perk up by your only glance,
Oh my beloved, would you not let the moon steal your sight?

The raven black of your eyes sink my ship in,
Oh my beloved, would you let this dream shatter me more?

Again my being is lost in the wind's beat,
Oh my beloved, would you let loose the words in a talk?

It is the night, heavy with whispers and sighs,
Oh my beloved, would you confront my love and then abolish it?

In the stillness, where shadows dance like memories,
Oh my beloved, would you weave our hearts into a single thread?

Let the stars witness this fragile truth,
Oh my beloved, would you hold my fragments until dawn breaks?