lately
i am existing in places as little as possible
where you cannot find me
where every feeling is a void
where i hope to forget

here
i feel so safe
immersed within ignorance
and you cannot touch that
you cannot intrude
you cannot inflict any more hurt
because i will not let you

do you wanna lose our heads tonight?
we can regret it in the morning
but that's the morning and this is right now
and it is dark and beautiful and you're smiling
and all i would rather do right now is put my hand on your knee and finish these drinks
yeah we can slip under the covers and be consumed by the warmth
and if it is okay can i hold your hand until the sun comes up?
can i brush up against your skin so mine isn't alone for once?
can i pretend for just tonight your body is mine and mine yours?
let's lose our heads tonight
you and i

because i've been throwing up flowers for you
and you've only destroyed them with weeds
and so i know if i change the color of the leaves
that you will make them brittle and dead,
i wish you didn't have
a spot in my head

i would lay in bed most nights and think a lot. it happened when i was wondering what the hell i was doing. why i was still here. i thought of every last terrible thing i allowed others to do to me. how i forgave, again and again. how much hurt i further allowed. how deeply i knew that i was being treated badly but i still chose to not walk away.
i wanted to hug myself. i wanted to sob. i broke my own heart more than others ever had for me. it took me so long to realize how emotionally unattached i truly was from myself. how not one drop of self-love existed. except on these nights, when the full realization would hit me, and i would weep for myself. over every last terrible thing i endured and accepted. the future mistreating i was currently allowing, and would allow to continue.
i lived in such shadow of myself that it took years to realize i was good. that though i hate myself, i never deserved any of that. i am good.
i lay here some nights with burning eyes and wetness upon my cheeks. breaking my own heart over and over thinking of everything. knowing i still don't have the strength to completely walk away. is this how i am going to live? in constant emotional turmoil and self-inflicted abuse? is this all i am? all that i ever have been? am i just going to remain miserable, allowing them to keep hurting me?
i wanted to hug myself. i began to somewhat love myself, i guess. no one will ever break your heart as much as yourself.

the patterns i traced along your back
the warmth i found within your hair
the security i felt within your hands
the laughter i stole from your smiles
the dreams i searched inside of your eyes
and all of the words i clutched closely to my chest

i simply love you -
what more can suffice?

"oh, just shoot me in the head,"
her voice was laced with weariness and defeat,
"it would feel like the same thing, the way you're treating me."

if she was gone
would you go looking for her?
if she disappeared
would you search the thin air?
if you never saw her body again
would you still remember how it felt
within your hands
until you are dead?

he chose alcohol and told me to go home
he slammed my body and told me to go home with my broken bones
he threw me out onto the mat and told me to go home
his eyes were bloodshot red and he had saliva dripping from his lips
yet he told me to go home as i begged and pleaded at the door
love was not strong enough when it is faced with a drug
he went to bed with his drug and told me to go home

we didn't have a honeymoon phase
you did
i didn't

absentmindedly
smoking cigarettes
drawing the smoke
so deeply into my lungs
i don't want to think
i cannot think
i

i would leave home for days
no one would ever ask where i was at
it began to feel as if i could just disappear
without a sound, without a word
no one would come searching for me
maybe that's why i've become so obsessed
with this idea of dying

i walked around for hours last night to get you out of my head
i passed by your house once or twice, remembering when we sat on that porch and you told me you wished that i was dead
you were sound asleep in your bed, not providing a single thought about me
with a heavy chest, i turned around and went back home to lay in my own bed
i'm supposed to be in yours though, not alone
i guess to you, i truly now am dead as you had hoped
and the sad part is, i still feel love beating inside of my head
for your bones, for your skin, a materialized idea of what we could have been

there's nothing here
i choked on thirty pills
of brain killing chemicals
couldn't think, couldn't think
couldn't walk, couldn't talk
couldn't sleep, couldn't sleep
laid me to rest in my bed
there was blood all over the pen
my mouth became glued shut
couldn't cry for help if i wanted
but help wasn't here
when i was here
why should it be here now?
because i'm finally fading?
is this why there are so many funerals
for the ones life taking?
did life finally make sense
as i was lowered into the ground?
don't love me now -
i may have been born
just to die
there's nothing here now
choked on thirty pills ...
fifty pills ...
brain dead
i just wanted rest

don't love me in my afterlife
when you couldn't love my present life

i leave
without a word
without a sound
that's how you know
truly
that i'm never coming back

i like laying in your bed better than my own
even if i'm alone
because at least here, there are still traces of you everywhere
and maybe when you come back
you'll lie next to me in bed
and tell me that you love me
melting into thoughts of the other
as if this is our own quiet world
and we cannot be bothered by any hurt

i sat outside for a long time
and contemplated suicide
i smoked cigarette after cigarette
growing frustrated as i reached the end of my pack
i took drink after drink, unaware of the heaviness my head was causing me
i was already hazy, so i didn't notice the tears that were blinding me
i thought of how many people would attend my funeral
i pondered if i should even leave a note
i wondered desperately how many people loved me
i grew more anxious when i realized there was none
i passed out outside, under the moon and star light
i knew that by now i was so drunk that i could end it without a second thought
yet in the morning, i awoke still alive
i often wonder why i want to die
i wonder why i haven't done it by now
i wonder -
what a life,
always thinking of suicide

i thought a lot how you said,
"go die
and i won't go
to your funeral"
and how it doesn't even matter
but i always had this vision
of you standing over my casket
sobbing uncontrollably
gross, heavy, unable to breathe sobbing
as you hold my cold, dead body
wishing for me to be alive once more
wishing to see my eyes you always called coffee-colored, open
now i know
that that will only ever
remain a vision
never a reality
you said,
"go die"
and i know that you meant it

But you say "I love you" to every girl you meet
And that really isn't love,
Just because you are lonely
And what's sad about that is -
You'll never really feel "love"
Because she leaves or you leave
And you're back on the desperate hunt for a new
"I love you"
And this cycle repeats
Love doesn't die when a person walks away
Love is a stitch in the chest that remains
It can't quite ever go away
And I think you know this, but -
You are too scared to be alone
Too scared to live without a love
So jump and jump from this love to that one
I think you are scared because you know
That you can't ever love yourself

you have to fight
and make friends
with your mind
if you want to survive
and truly enjoy
every second
of a life
that you want to create
don't desecrate
your head
own it,
your friend

wherever you are
i hope these words find you well
i hope that you realize
you have many more stories to tell
even when the weight
becomes too heavy
wherever you are
if you aren't right now,
someday you will be smiling

what do you do
when the person you love
chooses alcohol
over you?

all that i can do now is lay here and feel all of the hurt
and there is no way to escape it except to sleep
and i am laying here wishing that the sun would go away and that time would stop so i can lay here forever in the dark
a moment where i don't need to wake up and force myself to exist
the hurt gets worse
it gets worse
home alone once again and my bed is becoming too lonely where i can't even lay in it either

and you, where are you?
you are out and you are barely alive
and you're doing drugs and you're drinking yourself black
and everyone around you thinks that you're just having fun
when i know you drink because alcohol is your disease and you have to feed it even when you don't want to
you are sad
and you aren't here or happy
but none of them see
except for me

so i can't lay here
in peace
wondering what you are doing or if you are okay
and it shouldn't matter but it does more than anything
because you aren't wondering if i am okay

your lips are on the bottles tonight
and not on mine
and that alone is enough to destroy someone
because i love you
and your alcohol

it does not love you.

i cannot change your heart that i love
and i cannot change your hands that hold me only when i am worthy
i cannot shape and form you and change you, to love me
no, i cannot change anything at all
and it was never of my own fault
i merely tried too hard
all along i was worthy
of a love
much warmer
than yours

it is seven thirty-eight
after another redundant day
of not existing in anyone's eyes
and wandering the streets
with only my shadow walking beside me
and i am no good at existing
because i keep getting weighed down by this feeling
that everything which surrounds me
is just boring and lonely
i don't feel as if i am really living
i'm just passing these days without much hope
and with each i am seeing the end of this rope
i wish i wasn't a stranger
to everyone who i meet
all of these fleeting connections which none i can seem to keep
i don't understand how people have
people that love them, each and every day
through every good second and every bad minute
it's lonely when you reach home
tired, and encompassing yourself in cold blankets, alone
not any words to relieve to anyone
so i lay in this silence and try to breathe
because this loneliness is suffocating me and i am feeling all of my bones ache and creak
another day tomorrow - just to repeat?
why cannot i find anyone who will love me?

the space where you lay
has been too frightfully empty lately

just using losing you because i (don't) want to

later, i will go home
and i will not exist anymore
just as you wanted me to be
i am mute and i won't have eyes anymore to see
to see you
and how we were
and what we wanted, what you used to want
i don't except you to come and find me
you've made it all so clear
that i don't exist anymore
no, i do not exist anymore

i find it ironic and funny
how you accuse me
of not caring
about you
because when
have you ever cared about me?

so here i find myself, sitting alone at the bar again
when i should have gone home, into your arms, into your bed

i enjoy my solitude
but i wouldn't mind
if you jumped into it with me, too

'I don't want to go to your funeral'
I still can hear perfectly
Your voice
As it cracked
It sounded as if you had choked
When I'm anywhere alone
And the world wants me gone
I'd disappear into the ground's nothing
Your words pull me back up
I love you so,
I cannot bear to hurt you
To make you cry
You don't know anymore
About this or these hopeless nights
Where your choked voice replays in my head
Over and over as a broken record
I love you endlessly
You have become my strength to go on
I carry you always

it gives me this calm, your arms
it gives me this quiet peace
which i know that i cannot forever keep
i try to treasure it
in the moments that i can
i try to stitch your face so badly into my head
because soon i know, i will never see it again

you said that i clung too much and that i was making you drown
but how could you blame me? you kept throwing yourself at me
as if you were a life saver sent out to sea to save me
i was falling in and out of life around the time that you came by
you didn't save me, no, you aren't an ethereal being - you are just like me
you are just like me
human, merely being
here
where things tend to stray and life falls apart and comes undone
so i'm sorry that i clung
my love was too strong
but it was more than just love
it was everything and more
and you pushed me back out into the sea
but it's all right -
i never expected you to save me

they loved me
when i
tried to
(**** myself)
they loved me
when i
was calling
(from the hospital)
they loved me
when i
finally was
(released and back home)
they loved me
when i
i lied
(that i was better)

i remember a pretty boy
with run down smiles and scars on his back
always keeping at bay
something he wouldn't let me reach
i remember a pretty boy
who gave me the most tender of embraces
who didn't believe much in his own self-worth at times
yet believed entirely in mine
i remember a boy
who i held so closely and tightly
within my fingertips
when he was just as broken yet did not want to show it
i remember a boy
of very many secrets
who kept them all
when he took a road separate from mine
i remember a pretty boy
and his shattering love which he so badly tried
i remember
how can i forget?
and i just hope
you are smiling now
more than you ever did
when my presence was around

you're alive but you're a ghost
because you're in my head
but i don't see you anymore

i am the silhouette you see but do not get too near
the shadow lingering in the back with hearing ears
the sliver of moonlight you use to guide you home
when you reach your doorstep you offer not one glance back
i am the quiet radiant that goes unnoticed
the profound silence you ward away
all of the words you wish that you could say

i'm blank
and i cannot find
a more perfect word
to describe
emptiness feels like
a feeling
a suffocating hold over the heart
you are still feeling, but
i am blank
my own words even
are fleeting

he really is mean, you know
really, truly mean
and i know
yes, i know
so why do you keep sleeping in his bed?
it makes no difference
and you, you know this
you are not a person
you are hardly a body
he is so mean
and you fall asleep crying
(you've been crying every day)
but i, i love him, you know
and yet tell me this -
is this love you harbor
worth all of this ache?
this ache you can't escape
you know how to though
but you wait
you wait and wait
purely in vain
but i love him
and he loves me
but he is so, so mean

lately i have been drunk on love
and oh my god
i never want you to become the alcohol which eventually wears off
keep me intoxicated, from here and always
keep me so drunk that i learn to become happy

i just wanted to make you happy
but you made me so unhappy
and i think that is what actually made you happy

wanted you to see
your detrimental effects
wanted you to experience
the ways in which you were hurting me
wanted you to say, 'i'm sorry'
and mean it
wanted you to see
everything
that destroyed me

you ripped my heart out
and you kept it for yourself
you tried giving it back to me
piece by piece
so that you could see
just how badly i wanted you
it was a ******* game
which you gained pleasure from
when all i screamed for when it was all over
was for my heart back
broken or whole
yet you kept control
and i am the one feeding your own heart
with this now hollow chest
and gauging emptiness you left

when you finally
hit rock bottom
you won't see me
when you look up
one more chance
one more hope
another play as your savior

you won't see me
because i was the only one
who tried to prevent
your fall

i thought that you may come by
to see if i'm all right
i disappeared without a trace
or were you too busy to notice?
this night is far too dark
and it's echoing loneliness too loudly
i thought that you may stop by
to see if i'm all right
but since you haven't asked,
here's my unheard reply,
no, i am not all right

the type of love where i catch you staring at me. longingly. admiringly. the type of love i can feel, not only hear.

the type of love where i look over at you. my eyes become fixated. locked. my heart becomes warm. full. the type of love where i look at you. and i love you. i simply. i love you.

you meet my glance. with no words. you love me back. you love me back. you don’t even need to say.

I committed
You saw
You fell apart
You couldn't find a note
I committed
You learned at last
Of my emptiness
Leaving nothing in this world
I never wanted to exist anyway
I committed tonight
You had to fight the urge
To follow my path yourself
I am selfish
They say they say
I say they are oblivious
Have you ever lived life
Day by day
Feeling like you never belonged
In our world
Or anywhere and nowhere
Nowhere and no one
I committed tonight
I don't want to be
Your cold dead ghost

you were real and lifelike
but you were never actually here
and when i touched you,
i was just touching air
no wonder it always felt so cold
skin deep into my bones
i met you inside of my head
you never actually left
i lied to myself and kept you by my side
the unloving nights when i went to bed with a knife
but your hand never strayed from mine
simply said,
'stay'
yet you could never stay
because you were never here
lived inside of my mind
i wanted you lifelike, touchable, so badly that i
i now know i was merely pretending
you never existed
i wanted you to love that tenderly
you couldn't

you are one catastrophe away
from entering my dark place
i told you, to go back
there's no light for you inside of here
i wish you would stay
but that would be too selfish of me to ask
because you want sunshine and flowers
and inside of my dark place there exists not even smiles
you held onto my hand, right before the mouth of the entrance
said, i'm not going, i'm staying
if you won't let go, then i will
you won't like what you see
this golden picture i've painted of myself had to be consumed by the black eventually
so go back, go back
this is my dark place
it only ever has room for me within its suffocating walls
and i don't want you to fall
i never wanted you to fall

you
me
and a gun
let's have some fun?
see who
bites the bullet
first?