If tomorrow didn’t come
If it was all black and nothing
No more feelings no more me
Would you still be where you are?
Would I live on in your head?
Would your heart still whisper my name?
Memories of me would fade away
Carried off in the breeze
Maybe sometimes you’d remember
You’d see my face in the crowd
Or hear my voice say your name
Listen to a song that makes you cry
Never forget me… keep me alive
Keep me with you forever no matter what

My indecision is deciding for me
I remain
Stuck in this place of purgatory
I remain
All dark with no light and sleep without rest
I remain
Both horns and halos but no devil or angel
I remain
Sailing from star to sea in celestial form adrift
I remain

The great dragon hides away in her cave
Drunk on the beating hearts of her prey
Surrounded by the gifts of her worshipers

Her eyes burn red from the lack of peace
Her breath is sulfurous and fiery hot
Her tongue whips lashes with no remorse

I once pledged my loyalty to her
Gave her my heart and my soul
She scorched it just like the earth around her

It’s just a ring I say
A symbol of something
No beginning or ending
A promise of love and acceptance
It used to mean so much
Seems like it’s just a ring today

I’m still here
Still standing
Still trying
Falling on my face
Over and over
But I stand back up
I keep going
I’ll get where I need to be
Eventually

I feel this ocean between us
The current has kept us apart
It won’t always be this way
We will break from its pull
We will swim together again

No one will ever be ok overnight
Healing is a process
Processes take time

Time is irrelevant though
Stop watching the clock
Don’t look at your calendar

Just take a breath
Feel that air in your lungs
Keep doing that
Because somebody loves you... somebody

If love is for fools
And hate is for monsters
Where does that leave me?

Somewhere in between
Lost in this shuffle
Wandering between forest and sea

Not quite belonging to either
But needing to be with the trees
Someday I’ll grow my roots

Those tears from sad eyes
They can’t last forever
Someday the sun will come out
The warmth will free your lips
And that smile will grace the world again

I’m not sick because of love
I’m sick because I have an emptiness
It’s where you fit perfectly
I need to tuck you in tight
Stay there forever in my heart

I know you are worth more than this
I know you are worth more
I know you
I know

When I woke up this morning
They said everything had started over
It was all brand new
But when I looked in the mirror
I saw the same tired eyes looking back
I put my hand to my chest
Just to see what I felt
No... still broken

Sadness is the one drug I can’t seem to shake
Its icy claws have pierced into my soul

Fair is never fair
Not when one is a giver
And the other a taker
My point is invalid
My thoughts are not shared
I'll always say it's fine
And you'll just do what you want

I like to sit outside
I listen to the wind swirling
Sometimes I close my eyes
And pretend that it carries me away

I wear these masks
Fake smiles
Pretending to care
Hiding my pain
My brokenness
Tucked away tightly
But still slipping through these cracks

Sometimes I count the stars
I don’t know them by name
I’ve watched them my whole life
Somehow they don’t change
Even though I do

I’m sorry it ended this way
It wasn’t what I wanted
It’s just what happened
Sometimes things fall into place
And sometimes people just fall
I miss you even though I shouldn’t

I’m a single heartbeat
The blinking of an eye
A crash of lightning
A single drop of rain falling
Will you miss me?
Or forget me?

I can no longer trust my heart
You have led me astray too often

I can no longer trust my brain
This barrage of confusion is too much

So I’ll be here where I lie
Heartless and thoughtless
Maybe I’ll be perfect now

Do you think like me?
Are we the same?
Our issues and confusing thoughts
Addictive personalities
Thriving on love
The thing we hate but crave nonetheless
Adventurous but scared
Scarred and depressed
But refusing to live that way
Could we be kindred?

The pen is unforgiving of mistakes
Its marks are long lasting
I can’t erase you... only scratch through parts
This story of us will always be there
Written in ink as a complete work

When I draw a beautiful picture though
I use a pencil so that I can change it as I go
Erase this part and add my shading there
Pencil on paper is fragile it smudges easily
You are art... not perfect but gorgeous to me

I appreciate both for what they are
And what they mean to me

Hold your head up child
Don’t let the darkness **** you in
Be a light… burn brighter

Love more and worry less
Enjoy this life now
What will come later doesn’t matter

Refuse to dwell in the misery
These things are temporal
Live your life now

My life is not what I wanted
Unmet expectations
Needs unfulfilled
My heart has grown cold

I need you to thaw this ice
Let the sun shine on my face
Warm my being
Before I destroy myself

I am the lamb
Lead me to the post you prepared
Tie me there tightly

Take your knife from its sheath
Plunge it deep in my neck
Drain me until there is no more

Love me while I perish

I guess I have a need
To long for something
Something missing
Or simply shiny and new

Something I’ll never have
Always there in the cold
Never satiated or diminishing  
****** both ways

You can’t make me be who I’m not
I will rebel from your demands
I can’t go along with your manipulation
I’ll chew it up and spit it back in your face
Please don’t force me
You’re setting me up to fail… again

The only thing I can’t escape.
My own worst fear.
What I don’t trust.
The one I wish wasn’t here.

How many times
Have I put my knuckles through these walls?
Not enough times evidently
Because my blood still boils
Rage surging through contracting muscles
At least it was only the wall

This quest for love… vanity
Trying for acceptance… vanity
Expecting fair treatment… vanity
Longing for friendship… vanity

Misery is the only constant I have
Death and misery and my vanity

I’m struggling to stay afloat here
Lost in this sea of you and your emotions
The salt water spray stings my eyes
I need some fresh water before I die of thirst

Person 1:
So how was your long weekend?
Me:
Uhmmm great

Person 2:
Did you have a great holiday?
Me:
Yeah of course

Me:
Why do I lie to everyone?
Me:
It’s what we do so they don’t know we’re miserable just like everyone else is

*sigh

There’s something magical about 3AM
It calls me awake almost nightly

Sometimes I’ll sit outside then
Just to listen to the wind dance

It’s peaceful there in the calm
I can feel that peace in my soul

I don’t discount that comfort
Because it’s few and far between

How do you feel
When you trained yourself not to
I’m sorry
I don’t want you to hurt
That’s not what I’m going for
I just **** up a lot
Forgive me now
And forgive me when I ***** up again
My imperfections run deep

I’m a coward
A liar
An adulterer
A fool
No one cares
Why should they
Paint my name in the skies
Turn the world against me
Maybe I’ll just keep surviving
It’s the only thing I’ve ever done well
Even then just barely

The funny thing about how hearts work
Is that sometimes they just stop
Not really sure how to fix that part

My feet weren’t made for running
There’s no escape from my self made troubles

But this face can always take a few more punches
They blend in with all my other scars

If only it was different…
If only we were a different us

Could we be happy then?
Or maybe misery will still rest on us like a bird

Who am I today
Which personality has emerged from sleeping eyes
I don’t recognize this face
Or these mannerisms

Have I dissociated further
Shall I continue down this swirling vortex of psyches
How far can I or will I go
What evil things have I planned for myself?

As I walk these dark streets
I’ve seen the faceless ones
Hiding in shadows
Beckoning me to join

I’ve tasted their powder
Felt it speed my pulse
And dilate my pupils
As I fade away slowly

Evil has gripped me tight
More than once I’ve fought
I keep my eyes ahead now
I must keep moving forward

This one sided love is making us crazy
Forcing us endlessly to drive in circles
Like two starving vultures spotting carrion
It wears on me so
I’m dizzy and tired… please just let me sleep