there's this need --
in my heart..
wait.
no.
it's my soul.

my soul is the one
that has this
need..
it's oh so strong
and keeps returning.

there's this
deep ache
and craving
for the physical touch
in a way
i don't get everyday.

my soul
craves
to hold someone
in a way
thats indescribable.

my soul
craves
to be held
by someone
in a way
that makes me heal
from inside out.

it's not even
manageable anymore.

it's taking over me,
the feeling washes over
in red and blue --
craving more
and more
each time.

i wish to see my soul.

i want to see if it's
bright
and full of colour
or dark
and miserable.

i want to stare into my soul --
just to see what's in the inside.

i wish to see my soul

words on paper.
it's simple.

but for some,
for me especially,
it's more
than words on paper.

it's feelings,
storytelling,
a way to express
your opinions

it's everything to me

so yeah,
it is words on paper
but it's more than that too.

why would you
prefer to live for
eternity?

everyone around you
will die at some point,
everyone you love
or loved,
would be gone.
what's the point then?

you'd grow really old,
and you'd have no one.

so why would you prefer
to live for eternity?

death is natural.
it's sad, of course.
it's miserable when we lose
someone we love dearly.

but everybody dies.

there's no point in living forever.

atleast to me,
there isn't.

im stuck.

im right where you left me.

in that room,
where we once got too close
and it was like
time stopped...
just for us.

im right where you left me.

in that garden,
where we laughed too hard
and started to cry
and it was like
the world stopped spinning...
just for us.

im stuck in those moments.

the ones that silently mean
the world to me.

the ones i write about --
sometimes inbetween the lines.

hidden between the letters.

im stuck.

im right where you left me.

the moon is a whisper
on my bedroom wall,
she's ten times louder in my head

her name is a tide
it pulls,
it tugs,
it etches itself
on the inside of my eyelids.

every blink is a memory i didn't ask for
her laugh-
uninvited
but welcome
always

the bed is too big
for one body and this much longing
some nights
sleep forgets me
other nights
she replaces it

broken sleep,
discontinued dreams,
tossing and turning
at four in the morning.

i barely sleep anymore.

its too hot under these covers,
im too cold now,
i need to be held,
im gonna die in my sleep.

i cant turn my brain off.

i get broken sleep,
i get those discontinued
unfinished --
extremely real feeling dreams,
i toss and turn all night long
still uncomfortable after each turn.

i cant stop
and take a break.

i sat in the forest --
picking up leaves
and ripping them
in different ways,
different shapes
because everyone is different.

and they all break differently.

i picked a once green leaf
that was staring to brown
on the edges.

i ripped it
and it didn't break
slowly
like the others.

it just fell apart
in my hands.

but it made me look up at the
sunbeams
slipping between
the tall forest trees.

realising,
not everyone breaks slowly.

some people crumble and fall apart
all at once.

and that's okay.

don't push me.

i can't do it
for a reason.

im terrified.

i hate confrontation!

can't i just.. deal with it?
silently,
quietly,
as my heart
twists in pain,
my lungs
slowing down
every breath i take.

i can deal with that.

to keep us friends.

i don't want to lose you..

yes you may have
talked about me behind my back,
made fun of me to my face,
pointed out insecurities,
embarrassed to be infront of people i love,
hurt me physically --
not just emotionally.

but i can't lose you.

you're one of my closest friends.

even though
i know
it's all a fake.

you hate me.

i still can't
lose you.

my body won't let me.

i say
"im not interested
in anyone"
and
"im not wanting
a relationship, im only young.
why date during school?
i have work to do."

but the truth?

it's far from what i say
i "want".

i can't sleep anymore.
the thoughts start to consume me..
its all i think about now.

im just setting it aside as
hormones --
and going
completely
insane.

but i think i might
actually want
something
with someone.

at home
head in my cell phone
staring at words
on a white background,
scrolling endlessly.

scroll.
          scroll.
                     scroll.

"just one more --
then ill sleep."
what lies!

i keep staring at
these words
that keep appearing..
love
       people
                  quiet
loud
        soul
                ­ left
time
        silence
                     felt
hurt
        ­ regret
                     sapphire
seldom

poem after poem.
i can't stop reading.
i can't stop writing either.

"just one more!
for real this time!
ill go to bed i swear"

12:11am
          12:13am
                    12:34am
   ­                           12:59am
                              ­          01:10am
                                               ­   02:33am

"ill go to sleep now.
i swear. just one more."

and it's dawn
all of a sudden --
the sun starts to rise.

and it's morning.
a new day,
but im still awake.
staring at the words on my cell phone.
reading one
after the other,
then the next.

different shades of blue
represent different things to me.

that beautiful baby blue
that you see
on those instax polaroid cameras
reminds me of concerts,
my friends,
and the colour of sweetness.

the bright blue sky --
it's such a gorgeous shade
one that reminds me
that the world is
a massive place
and there's plenty to explore.

that deep navy tone,
one that's usually found
in the night sky
or those dark wash jeans --
the ones shoved in the back of your dresser.

that particular shade
reminds me of loneliness.

im not quite sure why,
but the night sky is a big place,
home to more stars than we can count.

it must feel lonely up there --
dark,
with no one around.

the sky really is the limit up there.

first days of the month
are scary.

it's a fresh new start..
again.

its a time
and reason
to make a good impression
on the new month.

what new goals do you have?
what new affirmations are you telling yourself?
how many books are you going to read?
how many words are you going to write?
are you really going to start working out?

because you always say
that you will
and you never do.

you're lying to yourself.

that's why the first
of every month..
is scary.

a new
and fresh start.

again.

i don't remember
when i gained consciousness.

i don't remember
when i started to
really feel things
and become a moody
teenager.

i don't remember
much of the years before high school.

just the key memories.

that kid that once asked
"why is that tree naked"
as the leaves started to fall
off of the tree.

my first true best friend
who once gifted me
a quartz crystal --
fake or not,
it  meant a lot.

the teacher i had
in grade four
who made books interesting
for the kids who got bored easy.

the last thing i remember
the most
from those years
would have to be my old house.

i haven't forgotten my last birthday there.

i turned ten,
i got presents the night before
and i saw my grandparents the next day.
i ate my favourite cake.
two big slices for turning double digits.

but the rest?
i hardly remember.

i don't remember my first concert.
i don't remember all the birthdays before ten.
i don't remember all the laughs.
i don't remember those forgotten
and special memories..

i want to.
but i can't.

they're just a blur now.

im trying so hard
not to hurt you
or burden you.

i don't want to cause you
unessacary stress
or extra anxiety
worrying about me --
and if im okay.

when im not.

but i say i am
just because
trying so hard
not to be
a
burden.

my tears
they fall
until i crumble.

like that leaf
i picked up in the forest
and it just
crumbled in my hands.

i crumble
like that leaf.

her with the dark hair.
her with the ocean blue eyes.
her with the gummy smile.
her with the loud laugh.
her.
she's the one that
completely lights up
my day.
she's the one that
can change my mood
with a snap
of her fingers.

you said it was a joke,
about how you wanted to kiss me
you looked me
straight in my eyes
and told me,
"i could kiss you right now"
then pulled away after a moment.
your touch lingered,
i could still feel your hands there,
on my cheeks,
holding them.
i could still feel
your body heat --
you had gotten too close
close enough for me to still feel it
because even though you left
you were still there.

you said it was a joke,
but the look in your eyes
it was desperate,
like you needed a push
to kiss me
then
and there

i hear the birds sing
to eachother
from across the street.

why can't we have life
that simple?

tell me --
who you are.
where you've been.
because i can't trust anymore.

i can't trust anyone.

between ai,
fake people
and old white lies --
im not sure what's real
and what's not.

maybe my brain
is too twisted
and is making
this all up...

im not sure
what's real
and what's not,
who i can trust
and who i can't --
it's all so confusing.

just leave me be,
maybe it'll spare me
the sympathy
when all my secrets
get dug up.

the thoughts
they just keep on racing,
like they're all competing --
winner gets the reward of
tears flowing.
emotions non-stop.
no runner ups.

and they wont stop.
why wont they stop?

i possess misfortune.

in many ways.

it feels like
all that occurs
is my fault,
the unfortunate events
of forgetting,
falling,
foolishness,
anger,
anxiety,
apprehension,
p­eople leaving,
people crying,
people dying --
is all my misfortune.

my fault.

in many ways.

the unlimited stories
unfold slowly,
words floating in
little minds
already worried about
too much.

we were read stories
as a kid,
too many --
umlimited.

some stick,
some don't.

so let the stories unfold
and take in the words,
let them float around your head awhile.

don't think about the story
too seriously --
just imagine.
let it sit for some time.

sunlight spills
across her face,
the warm glow seeping
through the curtains
quietly,
while she sleeps --
like the morning
is in love with her too.

her lashes catch
the warm sun,
like she's dreaming
in golden.
i stay still,
quiet,
gentle --
not because i might wake her,
but because i don't want
to break
the moment.

i thought you said
that you would listen
to anything
i would have to say.
that you --
were my safe space.

maybe not anymore.

if you ask me
what i love,
i could give you a long list
of who and what.

but in my top three
would be clouds.

and im sure by now
if you've gotten this far..
you've asked yourself
or the device you're reading this on --
why?
why does this
random user like clouds?

give me a moment,
ill tell you in a few sentences..


it's because they tell stories.

their shapes
and stories are aphonic.
they speak to you
but not really.

that's why i love them.

you don't
know
what is "said"
but you also
know
what is "said"
at the same time.
which is such
an odd out of body
experience.

if that makes any sense
to a sane person.

i stare into
your sapphire eyes,
communicating your true feelings
without truly
speaking.

they tell me everything i need to know,
what you really think.
about everyone,
the world,
about me.

...

i stare into
your sapphire eyes,
they stopped talking awhile ago.
you've gone completely
numb.

i toss and turn,
unable to sleep
away from you --
you,
my safe place.

my home.

i miss your gaze on me!
i miss your voice!
i miss your hair!
i miss the way you'd walk into a room like you owned the place!

i miss your stupid face.
it's so dumb!

because i didn't hurt you.

it's the other way around.

and im still recovering
from what you did.

why do i miss your stupid face?


... i don't know.
don't ask.

i miss it.
i miss you.
i miss us.
i just miss it all.

i know i shouldn't.

but i can't help it.

... i miss your stupid face.

i feel so sick..

i also feel like
im going completely insane,
thinking things that probably
aren't real.

i feel left out from my friends
like they all hate me or something?

i feel under pressure at school,
like work just keeps stacking up
and it stresses me
more and more.

i can't sleep at night anymore.
so i sleep in and get nothing done --
the work piles up,
and i haven't seen my friends
in five days..

i don't know what to do with myself.

i cry over nothing
over the littlest things,
any miniature mistake
that i make
creates this big dent
in my world.

i feel so insane,
so sick,
so tired,
like everyone is watching
but also not watching.

we all have opinions.
no matter how
seemingly "tough",
and "cool" you may be --
we all have atleast one.

controversial ones maybe.

though your opinion
should never be
hateful towards one's
happiness
or
body.

yes, we all have opinions.
but it's not your
happiness.
and it's certainly
not
your
body.

it's not your responsibility
to comment on it.

so don't.

why would you?

what kind of sick,
twisted mind
do you have
where you would
need to comment
on that?

the clock,
it ticks.

tick
   tock
       tick
            tock

it keeps me awake
in the silence of the night.

that odd hour when
it isn't quite midnight
but also not quite dawn.

it's deafening almost.

it makes me hear things..

is there someone in the house?

creak


tick
   tock
       tick
            tock

no.

maybe i should check.

the clock,
it ticks.

and it keeps me up.

i barely sleep.

we all feel
misunderstood
at some point in our lives,
whether its our whole life --
or a few times.

we all feel
misunderstood
for many different reasons,
and every single reason --
is valid.

but there's someone out there
who understands
every
word
that
you
say.

you just have to have patience.

i knew that i felt love when i met my bestfriend.

i knew that i felt love when i met my first pet.

i knew that i felt love when i heard my new favourite song.

i knew that i felt love when i went to my first concert.

i knew that i felt love when i met one of my favourite artists.

i knew that i felt love when i hugged my mum.

i knew that i felt love when i sat down and ate dinner with my family.

love isn't just romantic.
it can be platonic.
and sometimes
it's even more special that way.

let yourself be loved,
and love other people
and things you enjoy.

i looked into
her hazel eyes
a little too long --
which had
surprisingly
been long enough
to wonder
if forever
could fit
in
a
glance.

dreams.

they're weird,
right?

a full movie plays out
in your little head
while you rest --
getting some shut eye.

but as soon as you wake up
your brain
has wiped every trace
of memory
that it had
of the movie.

all gone.

but it felt so familiar!
so safe...
so soft...
so warm...
so --
right.

but that's the whole reason
as to why
dreams are weird.

no matter what happens,
it's always her.

she's there through my
platonic breakups,
romantic breakups,
emotional breakdowns,
overwhelm,
and the nights i cry myself to sleep.

she's there
every
single
time.

that's why it's always her.


but you know..
things change.

people change.

so maybe it's not always her.
atleast not anymore,
not the way it once was.

she's not there anymore.

but honestly?
nor am i.
and im trying to move on
from her.

and i think im almost there.

"act nonchalant"
"im so nonchalant"
"oh my gosh he is so mysterious!"
"why is she so mysterious and serious?"

nonchalant this,
mysterious that,
what about smiling?
showing your feelings?

showing your happiness?

laughing is better than being
nonchalant
and mysterious.

smiling is better than being
numb
and serious.

living your best life is better than being
somber
and enigmatic.

smile in photos.
laugh with your friends.
scream at concerts.
dance at parties --
or even at the store
when a good song
echoes through the speakers.

be you.

not this
nonchalant,
mysterious,
serious,
numb,
somber
and enigmatic
version of you.

because its not you.

she was dangerous
and in the most
silent form --
she wasn't fire,
but she was
a glance
that always
stayed
too
long.

we're not friends exactly,
not really --
but
we're not more
than that either.
there's an awkward inbetween.

you laugh at my jokes
like you care,
and sometimes
on the rare occasion
you text first --
which is just enough
to trap yourself
in my head.

whatever we are,
it isn't nothing.
but it's never
been right
to call it
something more.

and maybe
that's the worst part --
not the part
where i lose you,
but the part
where i
never really
have you
to call
mine.

i dread talking the truth,
letting those words flow out
of my brain
and out my mouth.

it's seldom.

i dont speak my truth,
i am never honest
with my real feelings.

wont it just hurt people?

i used to think
that i just had
awful luck.

the kind where you feel
like everything you do
is an inconvenience to everyone.
and you just can't seem
to stop
making things
go wrong.

like the other day,
i straightened my hair --
and it just started raining
the moment
i got outside.

or how last month,
i made a mistake at work
and just that moment,
my boss walked in.

or two years ago.
my best friend had left me
over a petty,
little,
stupid argument that
should've never happened
in the first place.

but i didn't just have
awful luck.

the puzzle pieces,
were slowly coming
together --
after awhile at least.
it never happens in the blink
of an eye.

i grew to love my natural hair.

the borders of it
were first,
slowly forming --

i still had my job.

clicking together.
i didn't pay any mind,
it didn't occur to me just yet
what was happening.

then the second border --

i met my best friend.

and i slowly began
to consider the idea
that there was
a meaning for this.

no, i'm not sure
if i believe in heaven
or hell,
or if theres a lord above.

but i do know
someone's there
either way.

putting together
everyone's puzzles.

you stare at me
from across the room,
like im your rival.

im still not sure
if you hate me
or just dislike me.

maybe you're just waiting
for me
to trip
so you can say --

"i told you so"

we could've been friends --
could've been more than.

what did i do
to get put in this position?
do you even hate me?
am i a rival to you?

because im too tired
of pretending
that there's nothing here.
because the silence
is too loud,
it burns my head.

i want to work this out,
where the static
can turn
to rhythm.

when the silence
finally
vanishes
and the burning
stops.

happiness
to me
was her laugh
spilling into my lap
like sunlight --
warm.
and mine,
before i i knew
i needed it,
needed her.

this feeling of
upset,
frustrated,
sad,
misunderstood,
mad --
just makes me want
to rip my hair out of my head
and punch something.

knowing i full well
do not have the strength
to do
either.

i would break my knuckles
punching something,
and hurt my hands trying to
pull all my hair out.

im too weak.
that's what this was all about anyway,
im mad because im weak,
im sad because im too quiet,
im frustrated because no one hears me!
no one truly understands
my brain
and that will never change
no matter what i do.

no one but me is in here.

i feel things loudly,
and it feels like
im being swallowed
by multiple intense
feelings
all at
once.

and it's just too much,
for one girl.
one brain.
one heart.
one voice.

it makes me want to yank my hair out
and punch something
until my knuckles are red and ******.

how am i meant
to know what my life
is going to look like
after highschool?

will i be in university?
studying what?
what job will i have?
where am i living?
what friends do i have?
did everyone leave?

how am i meant
to know
who i am
entirely
at 15
if most people
dont even know themselves
at 35?

was it selfish
when i chose
to end our friendship
because
you
grew to become
toxic?

i was saving myself.
that's not selfish.
it's self awareness.

i didn't deserve
a toxic friendship.

im tempted --
to dial your number,
to send that text,
to drive to yours,
to run into your arms.

im tempted.
because i miss you.
i miss your warmth,
your scent --
that cold vanilla
and lavender scent
that was yours,
and only yours.

but most of all
im tempted
to just cry.
crying over you
sounds like a waste of tears.
but it'll just 
have to do.
because for now,
its all i have.
and you're not here.

...and i don't think
you'll be coming
back.

your face,
infront of mine --
you look so heavenly
up close.
your breath grazes mine,
our noses
almost touch...
but i blink,
and you're gone. 
you're just a figment
of my imagination.

you call me petal,
suddenly im blushing
like a rose in the morning
before the sun knows to look away

your fingers brush against mine
and something blooms --
not loudly,
but like orchids
deciding its time.

you always smell like wild lavender
and stolen hours,
like the kind of spring
you never see coming
until it's already
wrapped around your ribs.

i used to hate snowdrops.
they're too open, too soft.
now i plant them into poems
because they remind me of you --
brave
enough
to bloom anyway.

this thing between us
isn't fireworks.
it's passion,
it's roots,
and patience
it feels like sunlight shared on a park bench
where your head finds my shoulder
and stays.