there’s enough anger in one man
to put even the Gods to shame;
it speaks to him in
mournful moments, when -
the shadow of doubt clouds  
his acumen, and his candour
reigns far too long.

he sleeps with it;
dreams of it;
and once it has
invaded his subconscious,
he revels in it --
it makes him feel powerful,
and hungry for a scam
that disguises itself as a reward.

belittled by his own words,
he seeks refuge in others
who share his wrath -
for they are everywhere:
they help him carve his words
into a dagger of insecurity,
with which he stabs those
who tried to offer him
an antonym for violence;

the blood he draws shall
dye his conscience -
evil red.

the mistakes i've made
have made me question -
the boy who wrote
his plan, as a freshman,
on piece of paper
so fragile, and brief -
it drifted away,
somewhere down the cliff.

sounded like the truth,  
but it’s not for me to say;
i better hold my tongue -
the lies are close; too grave -
to utter in vain with
but a forked tongue;
i must wipe the poison
off my plate.

there’s not enough blood
to quench the thirst -
of the beast that feeds
on the power of my lust;
i hope it finds
it’s peace, when i lay:
ashes to ashes,
dust to dust.

i better take my place:  
stand guard for the day -
at the palace of my mind,
where once, i would play;
a child of destiny -
fumbling to say the grace;
reading into his mistakes;

seemed the better way.

a quote of wisdom
makes it to school bulletin;
janitor reads it.

split it anyway -
countenance of grief leaves back
a scar, forever.

बड़े होते बस यही सुना था,
‘कुछ सोच बड़ा, कुछ कर बड़ा।’
काँटों भरी इस राह पर मैं नंगे पाँव ही निकल पड़ा।
बहुत निचोड़ा इन भावों को मैंने,
इस खोज में मैंने बहुत सहा।
पर जो दिल से चाहिए, साला आखिर वो मिलता कहाँ!

एक शैतान है मुझमें, जो रोज़ कहता है,
‘छोड़ दे पैशन, कमा ले पैसे।’
‘कला के इस महासागर में डूब मरे हैं तेरे जैसे।’
मानता कहाँ दिल फिर भी मेरा?
ये तो है उसके लिए साँस की तरह!
अब चाहे डूब कर मरे या हो जाए जल कर राख,
इससे दुनिया का क्या लेना-देना?
अपनी लड़ाई भी तो यारो, आखिर खुद से ही थी ना?

कलम की नोक पर ज़िंदगी का भार
उठाते कलाईयाँ रगड़ गईं।
ग़रीबी में आटा गीला था,
आँसुओं से बात और बिगड़ ही गई।
चलो कोई नहीं, मैं भी मान गया!
गिले-शिकवों को पेपरवेट के नीचे दबा गया।
स्याही की कड़वी स्वाद को होठों से लगा गया।
मूंगफली पड़ी थी, उसे रोटी के बीच डाल कर चबा गया।

खोज रहा हूँ आज भी मैं विचारों की वो वर्णमाला,
सहारे जिसके कह सकूँ जो इतने दिन मैंने टाला।

तितर-बितर करते, इधर-उधर भागते,
थोड़ा भटक सा गया हूँ…
बंद घड़ी की सुई की तरह मानो जैसे अटक सा गया हूँ।
वक्त के आगे अपनी क़िस्मत लिखने को जूझ रहा हूँ।
अल्फ़ाज़ों से सजे इस दर्पण को
मैं आपकी ओर रख कर पूछ रहा हूँ…

‘क्या आपको पता है गौरव का फूल किस चोटी पर खिलता है?’
‘ज़िंदगी में जो चाहिए, साला आखिर वो कहाँ मिलता है?’

a restless jitter;
skin-deep promises, unkept:
no nails left to bite.

walk me down the alley, will you?
it’s so dark, and terribly true:
the walls close in;
the air cuts thin;
on a skin that’s weary of
a diabolical flu.

i’ll walk behind ya, all the way -
for i have nothing good to say -
of the ones who lurk
in dreary corners -  
where hope turns bleak;
i dare not speak -

for they can sense
my breathless words;
my every move;
even thoughts, unheard;
you must take caution,
stay low, stay far:
they might mistake us
for who we are  

almost there,
just a few more yards…
you may drop me off yonder -
that moonlit graveyard:
will be there, for a while -
don’t wait too long;
the night isn’t over -
things could go wrong.

'selfless gratitude' -
not something one inherits;
a skill one acquires.

a nervous 𝘵𝘴𝘬 of the lips
a little drop of sweat bulging at the neck
an eyelid flickering way too much
a mind that won’t change
a pillow that reeks of salt
a photograph of a distant memory
a fly buzzing around the plasma tube light
a buzz that won’t go away

a switch that won’t turn off
a stain that won’t dust off
a walk that’s unusual for the age
a kid who refuses to play

it’s the little things that give you away

i could tell the time at an early age;
yet, i could never tell the misery
of the hour hand of the clock -
that lies in wait...
for what i imagine,
must feel like an eternity,
at the mercy of the minute hand
to finish a full round -
as it is, in turn,
at the mercy of the second hand;
only to move but a
fraction of an inch on its axis:  
so it can be worthy of its name.

surely, it’s the loneliest of
the three hands;
yet, perhaps, also the wisest -
for it knows what’d happen
if it ceases to move -
even for an hour, as it were.
you see, the illusion of a moving clock
is maintained only by the hour hand.
the minute hand could stop for a minute -
and we wouldn’t mind much;
the second hand could stop for a second -
no harm done;
but if the hour hand stops for an hour -
well, we’d notice.

i can never really tell the time now;
just the hour in which i exist.

the path lays trodden;
a milestone, leads to nowhere;
somewhere down, a leaf floats -
mid-air - to the whims of the cold breeze,
afraid to touch the bitter ground.
the soldiers are afoot;
marching to the sound
of static, broadcasted by their
unreliable leaders.
the innocent seek asylum -
flee from states of unrest;
the power seems absolute -
hardly dynamic;
pistols aim for the heads;  
warheads aim for the heads -
of nations - all trying to outperform  
each others’ retribution;
panzers guard the rogue bases,
like hellhounds, starved of souls.
mothers kiss their babes, ‘--night’,
then wipe their hapless tears;  
fathers beg for their sons’ lives,
and their daughters’ honour;
God exists only in afterthoughts;
ceremonies shroud in silence;
children become too self-aware
for their undemanding ages;
schools shut their gates -
push them further into the nightmare;
tell them they don’t belong;

one of them’s had enough…
pushes back.

i'm still running, running fast;
i'm running fast... i'm running fast -
this was never meant to last!

saw this cute girl the other day…
while smoking a cigarette at my balcony:
i was hovering over the pathway  
she’d eventually cross,
like an apparition watching over
her resplendent ignorance.

she eventually did -
the cigarette, having not been ****** on
for a while, drooped like a limp ****
between my fingers;
i flicked the bud:
the ashes drifted away with the wind,
like confetti -
in the same direction she walked off
below -
as i watched from above.

in lonely disdain,
a pulsating bitterness;
utters a bad word.

उस जज़्बात का क्या ज़िक्र करू, जो कभी तुझसे कहा ही नहीं!
तू वो था, जो कभी था ही नहीं।

stream of consciousness
carves a river, unknown -
ego takes a dive.

there’s an emptiness that
consumes the world,
like a newborn babe does her
mother’s *******:
it needs the force of life -
to become a weapon for death;
as it kills the light switch  
in the warehouse of hope;
as the sound of darkness
blinds even the bats;
as the echoes of piousness sink
to turn lawless mercenaries;
as the lantern flickers off
to the heaving of hedonism
that spawns in the void -
dark, and unconquerable.

until someone strikes a match.

if i couldn’t - feel - for a day,
i wonder -
how i’d feel about it the next day;
to not have a memory i can name;
to come out the other side,
to realize -
the story’s still the same.

what would i even call such a day?
i guess - it’d still be a regular day...
for others to see me -
like, they’ve always seen me
under the sun.
just for a day,
put my soul out of the equation.    

i wonder where i’d even start,
with my mind, and my tongue -
both poles apart.
no self-esteem to feed,
nor the regrets -
to fight about.
****!
what would i even write about...?

fear is an illusion that feels more real than life itself, at times. scores of artists have succumbed to the despair brought upon by the fear of overexposing themselves. you know them - the writers who won’t write - the painters who won’t paint - and the sculptors who won’t get their hands *****. maybe you’ve even met one or two. or know someone close to you who might be of a certain poignant disposition that’s impossible to ignore. if not, perhaps it’s time to have a closer look at the mirror.

it’s true that those who dare to traverse the forest of the unknown must encounter the beasts that lurk in the darkness. some are benign. some are malevolent. at first, you’re terrified of them all. but as you go farther and deeper into the forest, you soon realize that they’ve become some of your dearest friends, despite all the wounds you’ve inflicted upon each other during your skirmishes. you learn to tame them, feed them, and eventually, cage them. yet after all this, the question, or rather, the fear remains - can you ever bring them out into the real world? and more importantly, what would they do to your mind if you do?

a scary thought for many artists, indeed.

but perhaps these ‘beasts’ may not be as bloodthirsty for our spirits as we might think. perhaps, it’s about how we personify them in our minds. there’s a beautiful poem by charles bukowski called ‘bluebird’ that speaks exactly of this fear, and perhaps even offers an antidote. it immortalises the little bird in the writer’s heart, a rather benign beast, that sings every now and then, unafraid, and in spite of what its captor might think, or feel, or do. it reminds us that it’s okay to let the bird sing every now and then - because it will - and not let it die so finally. it implores us to not sacrifice it at the altar of perfection, but rather be gentle with its humble feathers.  

something i believe we could all do with our own little bluebirds.

brain signals for blood:
a freight of the past revs to life;
generational curses come on board the ride
with their hefty baggage,
and roughneck IDs;

the nervous conductor lets them on -
offers them a ticket, and sighs -
‘this too shall pass.’

आंसुओं से नमकीन तकिये पर वो ख्यालों का समंदर साध रहा है
निराशा की लहरों के बीच वो अपनी कमर कसकर बाँध रहा है
व्याकुलता पर नियंत्रण कर, वो धीरे-धीरे आगे बढ़ रहा है
गौर से देखो, वो कुछ कर रहा है!

बे-बात ही न जाने क्यों ही दुनिया से वो लड़ रहा है -
शायद अपनी बात रखने की ही तैयारी कर रहा है
महानों के इतिहास में झांक कर वो
अपने भविष्य के पन्ने भर रहा है!
उसे कुछ देर अकेला छोड़ दो,
वो कुछ कर रहा है!

कुछ सोच रहा है, कुछ समझ रहा है!
बंद होठों के पीछे उसका दिल ज़ोर-ज़ोर से गरज रहा है।
भले ही आज अपने ही लिखे पर हस्ताक्षर करने को डर रहा है -
पर उसे कमज़ोर मत समझना,
वो ज़रूर कुछ कर रहा है!

परिश्रम का फल सदा से अमर रहा है,
पर करने वालों पर सदा से अमंगल का क़हर रहा है।
इसके बावजूद, वो कोयले सा तपकर हीरे सा निखर रहा है -
गौर से देखो, वो कुछ कर रहा है!

put down,
you put up.
spill your guts -  
left with the cleanup.
your head is ******,
but unbowed.
invictus, you shall rise -
any day now.

the trials of morrow
lay vast and grey
waiting too see
if you let them prey -
on your mind,
your body,
your spirit,
your rage.
stay average,
or usher the golden age.

wipe the sweat
off your brow.
take a step back
‘fore you take the prowl.
glory is nigh,
do not haste, nor disavow.  
hush little soldier,
any day now.

the shirt, unbuttoned;
the V cuts deep enough for -
U to C me bare.

every day, he looked out the window,
his inhibitions toppling over like dominos;
he gawked at the blackbirds, all the same:
he could not tell a friend from a foe.

he never thought he’d go so far -
as to slay ‘the raven’ with a crooked crowbar;
his conscience dripped with sins, and rose -
a thorny heap of fallacies, charred.

he blamed the world for all he was;
convinced in his soul that he had a good cause:
it wasn’t enough to redeem his faux pas, so -
he bore the tag of an ill-fated outlaw.

of all the names, by which he was called,
who knew - one day - he’d cease to show up?
a child dead of his innocence, who
never learned how to -
as they say -

‘grow up!’

'writing's like mass -
God gets mad if you don't show up.'

- earnest hemingway

shall i scream,
or sing a low hum?
read Poe -
or write a poem?  
the clock ticks away -
my fingers go numb;
my eyes wide open;
my voice -

so dumb.

i see flaws, everywhere:

the skewed clock on the plastered wall;
the faces flashing past the curtain call;
the faithless creed of heathens, and sleazeballs;
the smiles that hide the symptoms of withdrawal;

i feel a claw at my throat:

a sliver of smoke swivels up my chest -
shapes a shackle around my neck;
i lay here, trapped - neither coping, nor hoping;
i wonder - is that why they call it chain smoking?

i see laws bent out of shape:

the policemen advantaging off exposed women;
the two-faced lawyers in courts, who summon -
the men questioned of their dignity, and religion;
the reporters come drooling, for a big fat commission.  

i seek help:

the therapists diagnose me for a cerebral disorder;
they fail to put their words in the right order -
to put me at ease in the right frame of mind, so -  
i accept my flaws under a contract, signed.

butterflies flutter -
reach for the nectar of life;
winds change direction.

a glass of bourbon
unspent napkins on the side
the cheque is written

cut me some slack;
been feeding too long on crackers from the mart.
it takes guts to admit -
the best feeling you've had all day
is letting out a ****.

you pay the levies
you grant the deceits
you fall behind
you fall from grace
you freefall
you get what you deserve
you deserve what you get
you take your time
you partake
you mistake
you get the point
you get by
you yearn
you learn
you lone
you moan
you atone

you know the stakes
you do what it takes
it’s all you

i never believed i could fly...
yet, the other day,
i found myself 30,000 ft in the air -
yet again -
having a hard time believing
the captain’s reassuring words.

i was stopped thrice by security;
there was so much metal on me,
you could taste it in the air around me.
i could swear the metal detector had
picked up on my insecurity -
as it swiftly brushed against a drop of
sweat at my temple.
the ‘beeps’ might as well’ve been
swear words,
censored.

having already had two hits of the ‘good stuff’
before leaving for the port,
to say i was paranoid would be an understatement.  
‘what if the machine picks up
traces of substance off my sweat?!!’
yep - i did think so.
‘twas bad.

already late for boarding,
i managed to find myself at the gate,
and into the aircraft,
at the indifferent pace of the final announcement.
the air hostess peddled a magazine my way:
i accepted it -  
read it;
then closed it;
it had no substance.

i could feel the turbulence getting louder;
in my head, that is;
there was a pressure difference,
that didn’t feel any different:
‘twas just something that had to be dealt with;
so i split the difference -
i held my breath,
and it let loose - my dread.

the branded seats featured a slogan
from a recent ad campaign by the airline
celebrating its 18th anniversary -
‘how time flies’, it read;
‘clever…’, i thought -
then turned a sour eye to the window,  
having not written it myself.

i saw the setting sun, past the surging clouds -
flares galloping across their shifting terrain
like little kids on a merry-go-round
chasing each other -
too young to realize
it was never meant to be a race.  
i couldn’t help but chuckle
at that radiant sincerity.

for all intents and purposes,
‘twas was a golden hour;
fifty five minutes,
to be precise.

don’t think you’ll get away with this!
you pushed an innocent soul into the abyss.
‘sacrilege’, i say -
what a terrible way…
to enslave a wounded angel;
pluck away at its shrewd feathers;
torture it for wits;
and for what?
some cheeky wordplay?  

how could you!
how dare you watch it bleed -  
through the trappings of your greed.
have you no pity?
have you no mercy?
are you so bereft of compassion,
that you’d go so far as to maim a messenger of God,
just to have what you need?

let it out, i say!
let it free.
none of this is fair,
i know… i agree!
but you never had the right -
to steal the light:
from a spirit so bright,
in the stillness of the night.  

it’ll all be forgotten,
should you accept the blame.
perhaps, find a piece of rock to maim.
not a soul so benign,
even in such misery it prays -  
‘forgive him for his sins, my Lord,
for i have done the same.’

does love conquer all?
it’s a funny notion –
for all it ever taught me was defeat:
defeat so debilitating,
it borders on cruelty;
cruelty so brazen,
it borders on psychopathic;
it makes you feel like a man,
as it grips you by the *****;
makes you feel like a pig,
while it humours your piety.
given a chance,
it would split you in half:
one half –
pulling punches;
the other half –
paralyzed by reproach;
you want to kick love
in the teeth;
you want to love love
with all your heart;
you want to do both –
and not lose your mind  
at the same time.
you want to choke love’s
throbbing throat:
watch it gag on
your undying passion;
and when the war is over,
you’re left wondering –
‘was it even a fair figh—
                          — oh, right… that was never in the picture.’  

so, i guess –
love does conquer all:
all that you are,
all that you’ll ever be,
and all that’s left of you.

shall i compare myself to others every day?
they are more charming, and more talented:
tough luck does take its toll; often too hefty to pay,
and the bill of regrets is way past its due date;
sometimes too hot the baton of pride burns inside,
and often in a sea of mediocrity naked, i swim;
and every ball from ball sometimes drops,
by a poet in his underpants, and *****, untrimm’d;
but my eternal hard-on shall not fade,
nor lose faith inside the hole i bore’st;
nor shall spite keep me from dues unpaid,
when that eternal hard-on in time so grow’st:
so long as i can sing, profoundly and care-free,
so long lives this - it’s a fun read, won’t you agree?

if i were to find my place in this world -
i’d rather it be on a mountain top,
or the bottom of the sea;
somewhere - where my silence is not a bother to me,
where the voices cannot travel to tell me i don’t belong -
or that i need a voice.
i’m not sure what i’ll do there, though.
but i think i know -
i’d bring a laptop with me;
a broken one.
and i would punch away at its keys with my fingers -  
my poems, all my poems…
again,
and again,
and again…
for years, for ages
until the rhythms girdle into a symphony;
something only i could sing,
something only my heart would know,
something familiar.

and then i would cast it out into the darkness -  
where it belongs.

i can feel the weight,
on my tongue -
of a heart so heavy,
and a mind so young;
i cannot say -
why i went this way;
i do not know, how to
get off the causeway:

on one end, there’re facts;
though verified, and true -
on the other end, lie feelings,
i never really knew -
i had buried so deep,
i failed to see them through;
the facts - do not change,
but the feelings - they do.

i promised not to rely too much
on one way, or the other;
now i’m stuck, biding my time,
reflecting on shallow waters:
i look, long and hard, and see -
the feelings start to resurface;
but in fact, i see -
a herring’s carcass - floating -
so still, and perfect.

a shadow streaks across my face -
i brace myself for, just in case -
i feel it looming - heinously close;
in fact, it’s an eagle;
i step aside - clear the way:  
the eagle tucks its wings
for a nosedive;
it wants the herring -
dead or alive:
it takes what it wants,
leaves nothing behind -
neither facts, nor feelings;
only ripples of lies.

i shudder to heed
the animal i’ve become:
once a wolf untamed;
now a lost puppy,
squealing for his mum.

a saintly pelican, i thought meself -
back in the day,
with a bill so big as
my heart would weigh;  
now, but a vulture -
feeding on the remains
of unfortunate cows:
with a crooked bill, i prey.

a scorpion’s sting
could go in vain
on skin - like a crocodile’s -
that’s proof of pain.  
a chicken on the run? -
or the bloodhound
that caught her?  
nah -
more like a pig for slaughter.

a rattlesnake in hiding
with its venom depleted,
i long to emerge a phoenix:
find my mission, then complete it.
purge meself of the worm:
eat it - like a songbird, mistreated;
anyway -
i should get off my high horse;
the parasite’s more...
deep-seated.

'choice' -
it's a weird impulse.
i did not choose to write this,
clearly.

pick ‘em apart -
there’s lot to learn.
speak not -
‘fore it’s your turn:
your words soak dry, maybe -
try a different language;
be sure to see it through, for there’s
comfort beyond the anguish.

more choices, less free;
locked in - can’t find the key;
saw through misery, yet
tough as a tree;
a knight of the absurd,
you bend the knee.  

this isn’t the first time
you’ve hit the brick wall.
dash your *** with a pinch of salt -
stir it good, nice and easy;
get a good whiff of that
rare destiny.
  
for every tear,
there’s a heart that swells -
twice the thought of an oyster shell;
you’re a huntsman through the fall,
not for the wolves to prey;
they wait for you -
to make the wrong turn;

find another way.

give me a break!
sometimes, it’s too much to take.
the winds have not been kind to me,
for i am the dark horse in your wicked games.

i’m making my way, often slaving away
given a chance to start over,
i’d choose not to play.

‘it is what it is’, i say, and let it be.
i sacrificed my youth at the altar of perfection, thinking,
‘how bad can it be?’

i try to be, more than eyes can see.
but I’m just a shadow of a terrified kid,
hiding behind my fallen dreams.

it’s all so dull, the colours have faded -
i couldn’t do much when the demons invaded.
i’ve been dragging their chains for far too long,
never whole, never free.
i’m sorry!
i’m just not used to it, like i used to be.  

yet i see a light, though not as bright
it flickers every night, telling me to put up a fight.
i must protect it from the ungodly winds,
lest it should die somewhere deep inside.  

but i'm only human, my friend.
please don't be so ******* me.
i'm tired of losing sleep over
the promises I could never keep.
there's no way out, it seems.
guess i'm in too deep.
**** it!
i’d rather be the dark horse
than the black sheep.

do me a favour,
please don't lose your faith in me!
i locked away the things i loved,
and now i can't seem to find the key.
i'll be back before you know it,
ready to go again, on the count of three.
just give me a break!
i’m not used to it, like i used to be.

jolly coke cans racked;
shoppers go quietly by -
all bubbly inside.

i’m forcing myself to write this.
i hope it’s worth something…
…
..
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
for God’s sake,
someone shut the ******* dog up!

i saw a half-dead man
at the butcher shop;
he ordered half a kilo chicken,
with half a voice;
his eyes, bloodshot,
and sliced open like
the chicken’s clucking throat,  
surveying the butcher’s knife
for traces of humanity:
i don’t presume he found any.

the butcher verbalized an
unofficial bill of transaction:
the man paid with a 100,
and a 50 -
he was offered a 20 in return
by the butcher, who pressed
a ****** fingerprint on the note,
at the denomination.

the man reached for it…
but retracted halfway,
and said,
‘keep the change’.