I've got a big day,
A big day planned
But it wasn't planned by me,
Or written by my hand

First I get up at 6,
To get ready for the day
And then I drive myself to school
And go to Band to play.

Then school starts at 8,
The "long dark of Moria"
When I finally get a break after lunch
You'd think I'd sing hallelujah.

But the work really starts at 1,
When I help set up for the meet;
Knowledge Bowl competitions are
Meeting at my school this week.

Finally it'll start at 2,
And my brain will be drilled for answers;
At 5:30, when the meet is done,
I'd be happy enough to dance--or

There's something going on at 6,
That I almost forgot about--
Practice for our biggest show
Choir and band go all out.

At last, eyes closing at 9,
I'll get picked up, I think
Though I drove myself, I'm not sure
How my parents planned everything.

If I survive my day today,
Then I should be alright
Exhausted tomorrow, when I still have
Half of these assignments to cite.

Hope will find its way,
Even if you try to hide,
Won't give up on you.

None ended well, few
That they were; but I am not
Ending badly now.

So give me the truth, for once
Everything’s too vague, too vague
Sarcastically, I guess
We love ambiguity like the plague

I often sit here
I am alone and content
I don't need a soul.

The wind blows outside;
It sounds like the ocean waves
On a grey morning.

I blinked slowly
And you were gone like the time
Wasted wantonly.

Two hundred dollars went toward a guitar
And sixty bought me the hard case
288 songs bought on iTunes so far
No wonder I have so little at this pace.

So many people all around,
I'm crowded in this space;
Noises, voices, endless choices,
Mind starts to erase.

Walls start closing in on me,
I'm trapped inside this place;
Cries, surprise, I realize,
I'm just another face.

Get me out, let me go,
My blood begins to race;
Shining, pining, no declining,
Breaking out with no disgrace.

The box they put me in is gone,
I'm a circle in this square place;
Blinding, finding more, reminding
The trapped to find escape.

Cheese should have four e's
Bacon should be spelled bakin'
And popcorn...it's fine.

Run
You must
Just keep going
You have a chance
Get out while you can!
Don't slow down yet
Don't look back
Don't stop
Run.

Amidst the fallen stone green-grown
And through the crumbling arch,
The sunken mere of yesteryear
Has mirrored this scene in March

The sky meeting land in glory grand
Sparks fly where heaven meets earth;
The sea rolls in from where it’s been
And ships rise from their berth

The pearl of the moon rises soon
Lifted in the bowl of the sky;
Its size greater, every crater
Gleams brightly, the heavenly eye

Forgotten, as a rule, mirrored in the pool
The largest moon earth will see
The castle yard by cent’ries scarred
Lies the only witness to the scene.

Listen: believe me,
If I knew how to rise up
And overcome them
You would see the shadows crawl
Out of discomfort
For the light bursting, flying,
Exploding forth and
Breaking free of the old bonds
On my now unfettered soul.

I depend on it
It keeps my head together
Music is my glue.

Not trying to impress you, I'm just trying to get by
I've been running out of breath and out of hope and out of time
And if I pass this finish line, I'll just keep moving on
Surprised that I still made it even though it took so long.

'Cause I have failed so many times that sometimes I don't try
I wrap up in my fears and thoughts and curl up tight to hide
But no matter what it is that gets me on my feet again
To go again is all that's left, so I count down from ten.

Ten more breaths until my heart can settle in my chest;
Nine more hours on the clock until I get to rest;
Eight times more that I can tell myself I'm not alone;
Seven more reminders of the way that I have grown;

Six more chances left to give myself the care I need;
Five more minutes off the clock that I can use to breathe;
Four good beats to count inside my steady beating heart;
Three attempts that might not fail that I just need to start;

Two things left to say before I rise up from the depths;
One more time I'll brush myself off and take one more step.

If I had lived in
Medieval times, I'd be one
Who carried a sword.

I used to daydream
That you had a TARDIS, and
You could really come.

Fear an icicle
Love a swiftly beating heart
Frost spread in my chest.

I spent the last half hour
Looking up names of fears.
Fourteen I named mine, but
I'm afraid to tell my peers.

What are you doing?
Nothing is wrong here, nothing—
Stop trying to fix.

Honestly. Just stop.
Mock me one more time, and boy,
I will slap you. Hard.

Be my hope, please do
For who am I without you?
I need you with me.

I go to tell you all, goodnight
I'll rise and greet the morning
But 'fore I do, I now must rest
For my soul's continued restoring.

I was going to write a poem
But I got lost
And when music captures you
It doesn't want to let you go.

In autumn, my soul feels closer
To the wind and leaves that fall.
I wrap the world up tightly
And my scarf makes me feel tall.

The breeze that bites and strikes me
And fills my eyes with tears
Is welcome when I'm lonely,
When I cover up my ears.

I love just taking comfort
In the warmth of my own skin
When boots and hat and gloves here
Keep all my warmness in.

If only every day got cold,
And every evening froze:
For then, I'd get to hug myself
From my head down to my toes.

How could I answer
When you just asked me that way?
'Course I don't hate you.

A sound that gives hope
It's more than you think at first
Spera de caelum.

What keeps you from your life
is that you don't know what it is:
You have no words for its delights,
its triumphs,
nor its disappointments,
and the occasional death you live through.
Your words, the language you speak,
have not the vocabulary you seek;
Your life, the days that you live,
Pass you by, too fast to forgive.
Life is too complicated to put
into the frail words we call English.

But that's never stopped anyone from trying.

Let the light shine over you
Don't stand there in the dark
Embrace the warmth around you
It began with just one spark.

Leave the night behind you
Don't let it grab ahold
Of all the dreams that lift you
And make you strong and bold.

Love the bright, bright sunlight
It's there to give you hope
Maybe the world's not all right
But life's brighter in this scope.

The world and its evil disgusted me
The dust of the earth and the grime
Acceptance of dirt and love of filth
The creatures complacent in slime

I searched for a higher existence
When I saw the ignorance around
I found there was nothing within me
They all faded without a sound

Living one moment, dead the next
This life seemed meaningless to me
But as soon as I thought I had no hope
I saw the Man on the tree

Surely the most gruesome sight of all
He hung nailed on a cross
But in his eyes I saw a gleam
That saw this as gain, not loss

Suddenly the whole earth trembled
As the man gave up his last breath
The moon rose red and sky went black
As his soul went into death

What hope could he have, this man
Who hung in agony to die?
Who could he possibly be?
What could his black death buy?

Three days I spent in thought
And in contemplation walked
Too confused to eat or sleep
So perplexed I never talked

But on the morning third
A woman ran past me and cried
I followed her as she ran to a grave
And told me, “He’s alive!”

The stone was rolled back,
The grave was bare
And the wrappings from the man’s body
All were there

I began to see that the man on the cross
Had known he would soon rise
And who but the Son of God
Has hope to live when He dies?

He must know my dilemma, for sure
I must now find this Man
For if He can rise up from the dead
He could change worlds with His hand

Would that it would end
And leave me in silence here,
Tranquil and alone.

Every time I think of you,
I think, "What a ****."
And then as I think
I can't exactly think of anything specific
that made you a ****,
not something you did,
not really,
and my mind, for a second,
defends you.

But then it all comes back.
The hurtful words.
The all-caps that would have been
shouting.
The exasperation you treated me with
when I just wanted
a hug.

We were so lonely
but we were not alone
and it made it worse
that we were not together.

Crowds are more than I ever thought
they would be.
It hurts remembering things you said
about me
about us
about how we were lying to ourselves
from the beginning
and that what had seemed so pure and beautiful
was soiled and ruined.

Nothing was physically wrong.
We broke no laws.
But I gave you my heart
more than I should have
and no contract kept you from throwing it
away.
It stings when I recall it.

So whoever you catch in your net,
whoever you drag down the hallways
of your house,
I hope they give you more than you bargained for
I hope you feel the hurt I felt
that you never sensed
because you were over me before I even knew we were over
I hope the next girl you meet doesn't need you
like I did
like I still feel like I do.

I hope you know that you are dangerous
and that you need to be careful
because you're a bomb
that looks so harmless
you're poison
that looks like fruit
you're the death that no one should ever have to feel
when they're alive

You're not what any longing girl needs.
So be careful.
Guard your heart.
Or you'll wish you'd learned the first time
when I find out
what you've done.

I will leave you alone
because my only words to you are bitter
from long hours spent in regret
bitter from days spent in depression
bitter from months of wishing you weren't there
that you were someone else
in someone else's life
and that I'd never known you.

But I never would have learned so many valuable lessons
that I've learned such a hard way.

"Leave Me Alone" is about the most-used phrase in my head
these days.
I sing it when I am alone
I whisper it under my breath as I walk from one crowded room to the next
I mutter it as I sink into my seat
So.
Leave me alone.
You've done your damage
you don't want to stick around to see how much you've messed me up
so don't.

Just go.

You're better off anywhere else
besides listening to me
rambling here
about things you will never read
and feelings I will never share
with you.


*We are worse than strangers, for we shall never be friends.

The sun grew dark, the sky grew black,
I looked away; when I looked back
The rain was falling in sheets, so fine,
I thought I'd finally come back.

The air was heavy like before
I felt that longing even more
I tasted sea salt on my face
Standing on my landlocked shore.

It all came back to me, right there
Spray in my eyes, wind in my hair
It all returned to tantalize
As if those rain clouds didn't care.

Tired
I can't explain it any other way
Not sure what's going on around me
I'm in a cloud today

Frustrated
That's what I am
I can't seem to do anything right
And I don't like where I stand

Deceptively calm
That's how I seem
But if you pushed me too far
I might start to act mean

Angry at myself
That's all I'll ever be
Nothing that I feel inside
Can affect anyone but me.

Exhausted
My raging emotions do this
I just can't see why I run
When it's for peace I truly wish

Tired
I'm back where I began
I'm sick of trying to do it all right
So from my knees I will stand.

I shiver, and find
I have been believing lies
They clung to my back
And I never wanted to
But now I see and shudder.

I never thought that
I could be competitive
Until I came here.

To you, my life is,
Or it is not, you aren't sure;
You really don't know.
So what am I really like?
And honestly, do you care?

Day 33, a review:

Without it, I sit,
And if I'm bored, then I sleep.
With it, I am up:
I look with wide open eyes,
Eyes that see the world
And all I could be doing.
I step with purpose,
Standing tall and confident.
I wake, take the pill,
Eat my food, drink my coffee,
And drive off to work
With an automatic smile,
And I sing along
To the songs I know by heart.
Without it, I sit,
And if I must stand, I lean;
Dragging tired feet,
Holding a troubled tummy,
And wishing I'd wake.
In the end, on these days off,
I find energy:
I discover the reserves
Of serotonin,
Dopamine and endorphins
That my body saved,
Keeping stored for "the future."
My brain slowly learns,
And the fuel to keep going
Isn't out of reach.
So on these days off,
I won't despair or decay.
I used to collapse,
Before I knew my full strength
And what it felt like
To set my mind and finish.
So help me today,
God, let this Adderall work
To give energy
And to strengthen my body
For this scary four-mile hike.  

~didn't get my refill before leaving for vacation~

Life is a highway
And I am a passenger
I could ride with you
Or go drive out on own
Wherever my wheels take me.

Won't you keep me dizzy so that I stop spinning
Out of all control when I'm alone

And won't you keep me busy so that I stop snoozing
All the day away when I'm at home

Sing to me, Sera
We're calling you back home
Prozie, Addie, all of our old friends.
Sing to me, Sera
Please don't leave me alone
I want to look at my life through your lens.

Fire licked at my soul
Burning a hole in the night
Like a phoenix death.

One he was the tiger
The other, the tigger
And the other, he was
The housecat with awkward fuzz.

Somehow he had more
Than nine lives, or
This kitty was a fright
That gave Life such delight.

You're an anxious bird
Holding you down for so long
Made you wish to fly.