i pluck my skin clean off
and collapse into myself
it keeps playing in the background
  i don't think i love you anymore
it twists and tugs and yearns for release
but do i release for attention?
it keeps playing in the background
  you don't have to hold me anymore
my eyes have needles in them
they make stitches through my head
it keeps playing in the background
  i don't think I love you anymore

Yeah I'm better now

Im better in the snese that hot showers no longer hurt
I'm better now in the sense that when I see a razor it isn't mt first thought
I'm better now in the sense that no longer do I have to wear long sleeves
I'm better in the sense that my only thought isn't what if it all just stopped

Yeah I'm ok now

I'm ok in the way that I exersise to the point I pass out
I'm ok in the way that I eat one meal a day
I'm ok in the way that 1:00am is an early night
I'm ok in the way that I eat "healthy" now

Im Better now
I promise

i use the knife he got me for everything.
it lays in my bed in place of him when he’s gone.
i twirl it for him through the phone
i pose with it in the pictures he begs me for
i use the knife he got me for everything.

even as he drifts away I use the knife he got me for everything.
i look at as the moonlight hits it like a flash picture in the night.
i use it to practice different knife tricks so he’ll think I’m cool
i use the knife he got me for everything.

i use the knife he got me for everything now that he’s gone.
i hear it calling my name as a command in place of him calling my name with love
it cresses my body with prickly kisses where his lips used to trail.
it spills out crimson in place of the tears he caused when he left
it stays in the hand he used to hold when my body goes numb and cold.

I used the knife he got me for everything.

Here I am sitting on my bedroom floor with a razor in my hand wondering if 155 days sober is enough to deter me from cutting again.

I have been so proud of myself for all of those days,
even when I was at one week and I didn’t think it was enough,
and even when I wanted to hurt myself so bad that I thought I might throw up.

I don’t want those days to have been for nothing,
but I can’t help but think of that time last summer when I was in a constant state of anxiety for 7 days straight during which I tried every trick to calm myself down,
and nothing worked, so I resorted to self harm.

Now my stress and anxiety have been building up for about a month,
and I am so exhausted that I actually did throw up,
and I can’t get up in the morning because I am so paralyzed by all my thoughts,
and I start thinking to myself
“What could be so bad about one little cut?”

it’s troubling.

to be but one missed dosed from death
from the sting of warm showers
and the ache of tight clothes
rubbing on bark textured skin
The darkening of faded lines
Tip toeing that vermilion tightrope.

I am tempted by light chairs  
by satin smooth ropes and twine
leaning close to door handle delight
a hug around delicate veins
May I dream of peace before being
For it is my only true god

I only see this illness in memories failure.
when medicine is sidelined
to work and school and friends.  
Only am I reminded of it’s weight
When I grow reckless and wild
daring to miss my dose.

Pained intake of breath
Hot air against my cheeks
You’re wrapping white cloth over my arms
I’m watching red seep in like ink bleeds

Faintly, behind a splotch of black
I see your eyes grow wet
And though I am barely holding on
I can feel the tremble in your fingers
And an echo of a voice
Calling my name

You’re desperately trying to push paper into the wound
And I’m feeling myself bleed out despite your efforts
You take me to a doctor but still I leak
Transfuse your own red into me
But it just leaves through my eyes and makes me feel weak

“What have you done to yourself?!” you cry
And I sigh through a fit of tears
You’re trying to take the pain out of me
And i'm disappointing you with every breath I take

Just like you cannot will another moon into existence
You cannot love someone out of an illness

I was outside in the cold for hours that day
thinking about how to end things
i passed your body
On my way upstairs
Before spreading out my saved pills
And unlocking a knife
Crimson spread along my thigh
And my stomach became upset
My water is now empty
And all that's left on the counter is dust
A little bit of red stains the blade
And i pull up my pants nonchalantly