I wish I could live in the same house
As my brothers and my little sisters
I wish I could sleep under the same roof
As my family does

I wish the same shingles that cover my birth giver
And the same blankets that cover my male parental unit
Covered me

I wish.

But, there are a few things that come between
The intentional emotional detachment
The loving abusive comments
The lying, aggression and confrontation, those definitely factor in

But you know when God closes a door he opens a window
But when you don't have a door to lock and hide behind, God can't close it.

But the creepy old man
Who's touched me
And tried to touch me
The way my mouth taste like metal when I bite my tongue to keep from screaming in fustration
The way my body freezes as his claws dig into my leg
The way my mind breaks down like crumbs of a cookie

That is to much to bear.

I have a question.


When you got your Daddy card did you skip over the fine print? Did you forget your glasses so that you couldn't read? Did you just skim over it to fast so that it didn't register? You know, the part where it says protection?

Provision. You got that down pat. No doubt about it. But I mean 50%? That's not a pass by any grading system.

It slips off the end of my tongue and tries to crawl back in. So many times have I had to retreat within myself because I was not under your wings.

Do I love you? Yes.
Do I trust you? Not with a spoon.
Not with my heart, not with myself.

Does that sadden my soul? Oh Lord does it ever.
I wish it was another way.
I wish I could live in your house.
But a house of hell is not one I can call home.


max May 22

my hand roars
with searing pain.
"i dont know how
this happened,"
i explain. but in truth,
my art teacher
left a box of sharp objects
on her desk
and my little hands
just wanted to grab one
just wanted to try

Addison May Jan 17

Victim I am
Taken I'm not

Purity of the flesh,
of the skin before you,
covered in lines of red.

Expressions of clean
sickens the brain
of ever forgetting the dread.

Desire travels past
stirring up emotions
beckoning days on end

Demons rising
through the shining of silver
and on this we've come to depend

Would it be okay...
if I were to say
just this once
and then i'll be through?

...boy am I a hypocrite.
Thoughts drifting past my mind,
but I made a promise,
and a promise I shall keep.
Addison May Dec 2016

She once thought she was strong,
She once believed she could take it all.

She sat, picking flowers,
giving them to her Mama,
as a sign of happiness and love.

She pranced through the halls,
in her long flow-y gown,
being told she could be whatever she wanted.

She became the little tom boy, with her hat on backwards.
She ran 'round with her brother and friends,
and used him as her role model.

As she grew older, she realized...
She was more like her brother than she expected.
But she's not alone.

He was alone.
He envies what she has,
What he lacked.

She realizes the mistakes,
The terrible things she should've stopped,
and the things she never started.  

He had no one,
She has two.
He told nobody,
She told few.
He was secretive,
but she knew.

She once thought she was strong,
She once believed she could take it all...
she once thought she could give up.

She reminds herself, He didn't.
He had no one, but he stayed strong.

He survived. She tells herself,
So can you.

Stop saying my body is "goals"
stop saying i have mesmerising eyes
stop saying my smile is charming
Or that i'm a sweetheart
Stop calling me beautiful

Beautiful girls don't sit at home alone on saturday nights
Beautiful girls don't cry themselves to sleep
And they don't hate what they see in the mirror

beautiful girls get good grades
beautiful girls get a lot of attention from guys
Beautiful girls are friends with everyone
they're not shy
they don't get anxiety attacks over having to make a phone call

Beautiful girls don't obsess over not having washed their hands for an hour
And they don't count calories
beautiful girls don't smile at the ground when they get a compliment
They face the person who complimented them and compliments them back...

Beautiful girls know how to write a proper poem.
a beautiful girl is that girl in the front of the class, who gets straight A's  and doesn't even have to try
She has long blonde hair and blue eyes.
she has straight teeth and a killer smile and all the guys are always around her.
and She's never alone on saturday nights

Sooooo... yea

"daddy, i'm so tired all the time.."
of course you are.. you barely eat...
"don't i?"
no you don't... you only just eat enough to survive
you eat less than your 5 year old sister.


- I don't know why... and i haven't thought about it.
I like my body trust me
But i don't want food
I am hungry, but i don't eat till the hunger has passed i only eat because i have to... if i didn't have to i wouldn't eat.
Eating bores me
Eating makes me feel nonproductive

I haven't thought about the fact that i eat less than my 5 year old sister... and i can't understand why daddy hasn't said anything before now..
And now i can't wait to get on the weight because  i wanna see if he's actually right, that i'm losing weight..
Trust me i'm not trying to... idk why i'm doing this...

just a rant.... what is happening to me? why am i not eating? i'm hungry right now but i don't want any food... nothing sound delicious right now...
Addison May Nov 2016

I see the reflection of light, bounce off the silver.
Holding it in my grasp, clenching my fists tight.

I can't do it
I shouldn't do it

I hear the voice in my head scream louder.
I'm on the verge of tears, though my eyes are completely dry.

Please stay safe Sam. Please.
It will get better, I promise.

I'm now shaking, silver closer to the beige.
Their voice. Their voice is what is keeping me from my art.

You don't understand.
You don't deserve any of this.

The torture pulls at my soul, at my heart.
I throw the silver across the room.

Why am I like this?
I've actually lost my mind for moments at a time

Wrapping myself in a blanket,
Shivering until the starlight overcomes my mind.

and puts it to rest.

Why do I lie and say everything is okay, when obviously I've lost myself?

Never mind, don't answer that. I'm completely fine.
Eileen Xu Nov 2016

There is no beauty
In the remains
Of crumbling human. Soft
Tissue upon bruise upon
Broken bone bending
Bending to fit the roses
Bleeding from open wound
Bending to chocolate
Mould seeping from every crack
And crevice.

There is no beauty
In mirrored shards of life
Sharp enough to tear
Through tendon, tearing
Through towns and cities built on
Misery and crushing grief
There is no beauty

No beauty
In glass tears from glass eyes
Crying fallen stars and supernovae
No beauty
In disembodied screams
Lungless cries
Say goodbye to your life
This is real life
There is no beauty in
My life
There is no beauty
In me.

A poem in which I try to tackle the romanticisation of mental illness. It is not a glamorous life, I'll tell you that much.
Addison May Nov 2016

Scarlet, Mahogany, Currant

The palette I am forced to use.

Merlot, Garnet, Crimson

Colors are limitless, unless you are colorblind.

Apple, Ruby, Cherry

I paint with my little silver brush that escapes me from reality

Wine, Blood, Sangria


Poem Inspiration from: Izabella Valero
( http://hellopoetry.com/nonextraordinary-ordinary/ )

Fake smiles, but teary eyes.
Alone in my room crying at night.

i'm just gonna hide the scars with a sweater
can't tell them i don't actually feel better.

i'm so sad but i can't tell you why
"i'm just tired" is my favourite lie.

It's almost christmas and everyone's happy
But in winter time i just feel so crappy

I don't know why i feel so bad
truth is i'm just another depressed sociopath

This is the 2. time i've been feeling great all summer and started getting depressed when winter came.... hope it's better next year
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