Im better in the snese that hot showers no longer hurt I'm better now in the sense that when I see a razor it isn't mt first thought I'm better now in the sense that no longer do I have to wear long sleeves I'm better in the sense that my only thought isn't what if it all just stopped
Yeah I'm ok now
I'm ok in the way that I exersise to the point I pass out I'm ok in the way that I eat one meal a day I'm ok in the way that 1:00am is an early night I'm ok in the way that I eat "healthy" now
Im Better now I promise
Just because you cant see it doesn't mean that the person isn't still hurting all the time
i use the knife he got me for everything. it lays in my bed in place of him when he’s gone. i twirl it for him through the phone i pose with it in the pictures he begs me for i use the knife he got me for everything.
even as he drifts away I use the knife he got me for everything. i look at as the moonlight hits it like a flash picture in the night. i use it to practice different knife tricks so he’ll think I’m cool i use the knife he got me for everything.
i use the knife he got me for everything now that he’s gone. i hear it calling my name as a command in place of him calling my name with love it cresses my body with prickly kisses where his lips used to trail. it spills out crimson in place of the tears he caused when he left it stays in the hand he used to hold when my body goes numb and cold.
Here I am sitting on my bedroom floor with a razor in my hand wondering if 155 days sober is enough to deter me from cutting again.
I have been so proud of myself for all of those days, even when I was at one week and I didn’t think it was enough, and even when I wanted to hurt myself so bad that I thought I might throw up.
I don’t want those days to have been for nothing, but I can’t help but think of that time last summer when I was in a constant state of anxiety for 7 days straight during which I tried every trick to calm myself down, and nothing worked, so I resorted to self harm.
Now my stress and anxiety have been building up for about a month, and I am so exhausted that I actually did throw up, and I can’t get up in the morning because I am so paralyzed by all my thoughts, and I start thinking to myself “What could be so bad about one little cut?”
wanted to cut.. did nothing.. instead cried and then went to bed.. maybe I’m growing as a person or maybe I’m just to scared of the consequences.. like a dog with an electric collar.. eventually it’ll be to scared to move knowing that no matter what emotion, action, sound it makes.. it’ll be wrong.
Cut + doctors = kids Taken Throw phone = broken phone ..**** Cry + sleep = sad soul with two kids
Pained intake of breath Hot air against my cheeks You’re wrapping white cloth over my arms I’m watching red seep in like ink bleeds
Faintly, behind a splotch of black I see your eyes grow wet And though I am barely holding on I can feel the tremble in your fingers And an echo of a voice Calling my name
You’re desperately trying to push paper into the wound And I’m feeling myself bleed out despite your efforts You take me to a doctor but still I leak Transfuse your own red into me But it just leaves through my eyes and makes me feel weak
“What have you done to yourself?!” you cry And I sigh through a fit of tears You’re trying to take the pain out of me And i'm disappointing you with every breath I take
Just like you cannot will another moon into existence You cannot love someone out of an illness
I'm sorry I can't get better for you, it just wasn't meant to be.
I was outside in the cold for hours that day thinking about how to end things i passed your body On my way upstairs Before spreading out my saved pills And unlocking a knife Crimson spread along my thigh And my stomach became upset My water is now empty And all that's left on the counter is dust A little bit of red stains the blade And i pull up my pants nonchalantly
My first attempt was done in my bathroom after being on suicide watch for months. If i want something i will find a way, and you wont see it coming.
Hair ties And ice cubes And red lipstick And tape And gum And rubber bands And holding hands And long sleeves And bracelets And makeup And lip picking And piecings And tattoos And spending money And hot showers But Im totally better now
Everyone thinks I'm perfectly fine now. No one sees. No one notices how bad im getting again