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May 2017 · 1.0k
Seasoned
In those Summer days
When the green grass scratched my legs,
The mud cooled my toes
And I ran through the cold stream,
Pulling off green leaves
From the bushes by the house
And twigs from young trees.

Somehow the fall came—
I liked to call it Autumn—
And I walked slowly,
Picking up acorns and nuts
Before squirrels came
And quickly hid them away.
As morning frosts came,
I began to feel the chill.
Somehow the world changed,
As an apple will grow ripe,
And the world changed me.

In Winter's strong grasp I woke.
I looked around me
And in every grey shadow,
I saw a regret,
A what-if of circumstance:
A sharp memory,
Hanging like an icicle
Just waiting to fall.
Summer would sweetly call me,
And Autumn smiled,
But Winter's embrace choked me.
I would leave the world,
Fly back to the land of dreams,
If I knew a way.
I would cry to the grey sky,
Ask all the questions,
If I thought it would answer.
And so I slept deep,
Knowing nothing could be done
Unless the world changed,
Giving me fresh hope inside;
But it never would.

Spring has crept up to my door
It has knocked loudly
And shaken me from slumber.
Its face is grinning,
Smiling so wide, and laughing.
I've opened my door,
Not fearing a winter wind
For the first time now.
Spring calls me from my bedroom,
Asking me to play
And hang up my coat of doubt
By the scarf of shame
And the hat of my worries.
Spring pulls on my arm,
And even though it hurts now,
Somehow growing pains
Are better than the bedsores.
So take the shoes off my feet
And teach me to run again.
Choka 5-7-5-7-5-7-5...77
Feb 2017 · 1.3k
Can I Fight?
Can I fight?
Can I fight anymore?
Will I ever see the stars again,
Or will the clouds remain?

Will the sun,
Will the sun shine again?
Or will I dance beneath the shadows
Of a dark and dreary land?
Feb 2017 · 964
Fields of Glass
Two days, and nineteen hours
Are left 'till he arrives;
And I'd count the ticking minutes
If I thought it'd keep me alive.

These thoughts just won't stop chasing
The dreams I once believed;
And when I try to catch them,
I find they can't be retrieved.

I'm trying to stand and fight it.
I'm giving it all that I've got.
But finding that I'm not adequate
Ties all of my strength in a knot.

Rain doesn't just soak your jacket,
It seeps in and freezes your bones;
And all of the warmth leaves your body
As you wander bad weather alone.

But find you a friend, and you're warmer
If only because he's a smile.
Just braving rain with a companion,
It takes the edge off for a while.

So I won't let fear keep me lonely:
I'd rather run through fields of glass
Than stay one more day in my bedroom
Just waiting for sadness to pass.
Feb 2017 · 880
The Terrible Three
Hold onto me
When memory
Is pulling on my wings;
Your arms around,
When I break down,
They heal what sadness stings.

Protect me here
And hold me near
When fear reaches to claw me;
You hold my hand
When I can't stand
And in my panic calm me.

When worries come
And flutter from
Anxiety's dark cave:
You fight them back,
Stop their attack
And keep me strong and brave.
depression, panic attacks, and anxiety.
Feb 2017 · 1.2k
Unbeating
The heart that beats within me now
Was silent for a while:
Shouldering the guilt of years
And clothed in my denial.

And when, those blurry months ago,
It stirred to life again,
I tried to still my beating heart
The way it was back then.

I should have known, I should have seen
Through my soul's sad disguise;
But ev'ry time I saw the truth
I quickly closed my eyes.

The heartbeat in my shackled chest
Was loud, but I was louder.
Sticking fingers in my ears,
I hummed to quell the doubter.

"Your heart's alive! It beats again!
The fears you loved have faded."
But I felt safe behind the bars
My jailed heart had created.

So, silently, this gentle Trust
That I had never known
Came whisp'ring through to save my heart
Of flesh, and not of stone.

Trust wrapped its arms around me
And lifted up my soul
From depths of blue obscurity
And I gave up control.

I opened up my eyes that day
And though they shone with tears,
The hurting heart inside of me
Felt stronger than those fears.
1-2 Sept 9, 2016 and 3-8 Feb 4, 2017
Aug 2016 · 1.3k
Motionless
My feet haven't moved
And my breath is caught somewhere
But my mind's racing.
Aug 2016 · 1.1k
Here Again
Again, I find myself at home
The home I made last year
And while it hasn't changed too much,
That I have is my fear.

I loved this place and made it mine,
And tied myself to it;
But now that I've returned, I'm lost
And not like the rest, I admit.

Will I find my place? Or will that only come
With friends who are my home?
Am I isolated now, and is this why
My home feels so alone?

Perhaps this feeling soon will pass
And maybe it'll get better;
But for the moment, I'm alone,
And can't seem to find my tether.
It's like I never left.
Aug 2016 · 1.4k
Wanderlust
Out the window there,
Beneath the glassy, blue sky,
The white sun bleaches
Everything beneath its rays.
I wither inside.
I die if I venture out.
And yet, my heart yearns,
My soul burns, to see the world.
Mountains, rivers, seas;
Indeed, just to see a tree
I would leave it all.
I would risk the burning sun,
Drop it all and run,
If forests were there for me.
I would endure it,
Knowing that cool springs waited.
My heart climbs mountains
As I answer phone calls here;
My mind explores caves
As I file cash receipts.
I watch mountain lakes
Turn gold with the dying sun
As I read emails.
But some day, I will reach out
And instead of desk,
I will grab my mountain gear;
Some day, my fingers
Will callous and toughen up:
Instead of keyboard,
I'll skip rocks across a creek.
I will do it all,
See all I've wanted to see,
And feel the cool breeze
After climbing the mountains
And fording rivers.
I'll get out of this desk chair
And go explore what's out there.
Aug 2016 · 1.2k
Both
Mountains or valleys
Quick heartbeats or slow exhales
Who are you to me?
Aug 2016 · 878
Runaway Brain
Eleven days left
I'm afraid I'll miss something
In my haste to leave.
Aug 9 2016
Aug 2016 · 2.1k
Suffocate
Life is passing me by
And as I hold my breath
I realize I can't stop
The endless, rushing days
Hours of wasted time
Unless I breathe. And live.
August 9, 2016
Aug 2016 · 509
Options
I think I could try this
An eternity of you
With loneliness as an option
You're the better of the two.
August 9, 2016
Aug 2016 · 960
But Why
You had every right to ask
And no, no reason why not to
     But you couldn't have known,
     I just felt so alone
And I wanted someone to talk to.

I'm trying to get all my thoughts out
They're clogging the drain of my mind
     I don't blame you for speaking
     Yeah I'm just freaking
Out because I was blind.

'Cause I thought I could just be friendly,
And laugh and make you laugh too
     But things always happen
     When people are chatting
And that lesson is so not new.

So now that you've come out and said so
You said that you'd like to just do this;
     Now you aren't wrong,
     But I knew all along
I just wanted to pretend I was clueless.

'Cause avoiding is the name of my game here
I avoid the past, present, and future;
     I don't want to admit it
     But the way that you said it
Got my heart all caught up in my throat here.

I analyze everything two times
And then analyze it again
     And often I'm wrong,
     But it takes me so long
To realize my mistakes when

I lie to myself, so reality
Stays at what I can accept—
     There's nothing that's worse
     Than that second verse
Of a song that trips me up the steps.

I'm still getting over some feelings
That I had for someone I knew
     He dated my friend
     So there, the end
Nothing else will happen, that's truth.

So please, if you want, give me a chance
You might find that I'm less mature
     'Cause there's struggles I face
     That I would erase
If I could find a big enough eraser.

But if you took me at my word
And let me show you my faults,
     If you still wanted to,
     I'd stick here with you
And maybe try a new waltz.
July 26, 2016
Aug 2016 · 473
Help
These thoughts run around
But my soul just wants escape
An escape through sleep.
July 26, 2016
May 2016 · 1.0k
Goodbyes
Please let me stand here
Just to watch you walk away;
Don't make me leave first.
May 2016 · 1.1k
Hello
Perhaps it is time.
I'll go back and say hello,
And maybe they'll smile.
May 2016 · 745
the tunnel
maybe the end is coming,
but for me,
i'm stuck in the long haul
feeling like i can't pick up my feet
time is dragging on
and it's dragging me forward
whether i like it or not,
the sun will set and i'll be in the dark,
again.
May 2016 · 950
Finals
Please let me leave

Mountains have risen up
that I created
by leaving my clothes in a pile
by tossing my responsibilities upon it
by heaping insult upon injury
by throwing caution to the wind
and by washing my mind down the drain.


Just let me leave

Too many times have I yearned to breathe
to inhale without holding back
to take it all in
to smell the roses
to take a deep breath....
and then breathe it out
blowing dandelions
letting it all out
exhaling without care.


Let me go.

I've given up on so many things I cared about
Too many of them were important
and now I have no excuses
except that I lost hope
and I thought I couldn't finish
and I believed it wasn't worthwhile
and the pain was too much to bear
and I didn't believe it would get any better.


Can I go home?

Finals week is taking its toll,
and nothing can make this better
except a big comfy bed
a mother's embrace in the morning
a hot cup of coffee in pajamas
tv shows I loved as a kid
brothers to goof around with
a smoothie when dad gets home.

I just want to go home.
May 2016 · 2.4k
The Library
I come here when I'm lonely, tired, and bored.
The library's friendlier than most of the world.
There's books, coffee, couches: blue and red.
I love it more than anywhere except for my bed.
May 2016 · 696
Resolution?
And now that you're dating someone else
I suddenly understand you:
Things that you did, words that you said,
Even when I withstand you,

I took you for granted, but from the first,
You always respected me.
You bothered almost everyone else,
But you knew when to stop with me.

You've always believed in me
I'm not sure how I deserve it;
Between us, I think now we're closer,
And I will strive to preserve it.

And as for wishing that you were with me,
I think I can leave that behind;
Probably friends is all we will ever be,
And right now, I don't really mind.
Apr 2016 · 1.0k
Point
I'll hold on
until it doesn't make sense
and when you tell me there's no point,
I'll give you a reason to love
and to hold on.
Apr 2016 · 1.5k
I Am Strong
Heavy heart         fall on me    
       Guilty soul         you are free      

For I am strong,
I will hold you.
And I am good:
I'll protect you.

       Lonely one         come to me      
Lost and cold         I still see        

For I am strong,
I will hold you.
And I am good:
I'll protect you.

  Broken inside         I can fix you    
      You're afraid         I am with you    

For I am strong,
I will hold you.
And I am good:
I'll protect you.
Apr 2016 · 2.4k
anyway
i long for the day
when i actually have to tell someone, "go away"
i yearn to say
"leave me alone" but they stay with me anyway
Apr 2016 · 1.3k
spill my soul
would it be alright if i
took the time to uncork my heart
and spill the contents through its narrow spout—
can i pour out my soul to you?
Apr 2016 · 4.1k
always running
The place that I run,

And what I run from—

The boundary begins to fade...
—"Impostor" Rob Graves & Michael Barnes
Apr 2016 · 923
Grasp
I grasp at the wind
But all I really want
Is to touch the sky.
April 17, 2016 ~ one poem a day challenge
Apr 2016 · 791
Mend
When these old faces
Become new friends,
The pain from familiar strangers,
The ones who never made amends,
Will disappear like smoke;
And I'll watch these wounds mend.
April 16, 2016 ~ one poem a day challenge
Apr 2016 · 924
Torn
Nothing will be the same
If he changes your name;
And we will be torn apart
If he does steal your heart.
April 15, 2016 ~ one poem a day challenge
Apr 2016 · 596
Hide
I'm not sure if it's allergies,
Or maybe anxiety;
But burning tears come to my eyes,
And I deal with them quietly.

I always forget to take a breath—
Whether it's stolen away,
Or whether it catches in my throat,
Because there's nothing I can say.

A cold lump moved into my stomach—
It hasn't moved for weeks;
And the nausea that comes upon me
Drains the color from my cheeks.

Icicles of panic stab
My raw and tender conscience;
The voices inside my head keep screaming,
"No!" And I have to constantly fight this.

I can't sit still and just take this
I shudder, shiver and shake
I feel exposed and yet alone
How much more can I take?

What is wrong with this body?
And all the emotions inside?
If I could, I'd run to the mountains
To find a place to hide.

Surrounded by friends I think I know,
But who've never known me
I tell myself that that's a lie
I tell myself I'm not lonely.

If I once feel right again
If this throbbing in my head can cease
I'll take that as a sign from above
And soak in every second of peace.
April 14, 2016 ~ one poem a day challenge
Apr 2016 · 1.4k
hardrock
rock shreds my heartstrings
until it hurts, and i heal—
the right way this time.
April 13, 2016 ~ one poem a day challenge
Apr 2016 · 1.1k
Boiling
.
                     This mess of me
                                 is boiling
The pressure's building fast.
         This churning, burning,
                        furnace heat—
I know that I won't last.

                 'Cause ev'rything
                          inside of me
It just keeps holding on
                  To all the things
                           hurting me
I know why it feels wrong.

                  I'm stuck inside
                        that easy lie
That says I cannot change
                  And when I cry
                               I realize
This certainly is strange.

            For though I died
                to flesh, I strive
To rectify myself;
               I tried and tried
          and then, surprise:
I needed something else.

                Nothing makes  
                 it past the pain
Except your healing touch.
        And you say, "Wait,
                 My child, wait,
For you will know My love."
April 12, 2016 ~ one poem a day challenge
Apr 2016 · 734
Anya
Something about her
Shines without even trying
And everyone sees.
April 11, 2016 ~ one poem a day challenge
Mar 2016 · 988
Assuming
Did you ever wonder about it?
Have my actions caused thoughts
That you put aside as unlikely?

Would you ever assume
That because of my kind nature
My depressing outbursts are random?

In the dead of the night,
Have you ever worried for me,
And thought, "Is she alright?"

Or do you take me for granted,
Assuming that I am who I seem to be,
While I am different on the inside?

Do you choose not to bother yourself
Because my problems are hard to see
And do not present an immediate threat?

But what if I took my life? "I won't," but,
Would you regret never asking me things
And wonder if you could have helped?

I do not doubt that you love me,
For your genuine care is shown every day
But I bury my problems too deep to see.

I'm sorry I make it so hard to help me.
Mar 2016 · 2.2k
Anxiety?
There’s not much left to write about
Happiness and sadness are gone
Instead, I’ve traversed the subjects
And they all left me fighting a scream.

Anxiety’s clutched at my heartstrings
Dampening, muting their song
But now I’m going to break free
And dive into life headlong.

I’ll play videogames and write some poems
And do all the things that I miss
For while once this was time-wasting, never
Shall I waste a day anxious for this.

I guess anxiety’s got its perks, but
The one thing it gets me to do
Is work ‘till I have no more work, but
I had nothing to do at all, so I’m blue.
Feb 2016 · 1.0k
Helpless Here
But what can I do?
Here I lie, just helpless here:
Fear and doubt strangling.
Can any deed relieve this?
Surely not from me.
Will I lessen any pain?
I doubt I will play a part.
Feb 2016 · 1.7k
I'll Be Strong
I'll be strong for you.
Usually I'm the anxious one,
Scared in crowds and streets.
But your pain is crippling you;
And I know I can be strong.
Feb 2016 · 750
Take It Back
I take it back.
I said I wanted something to happen,
Something that would ****** him out of his comfort zone,
Something that would shatter his world and bring him closer to You.
But not like this, not so viciously that he can't eat or sleep.
Remove his pain, I didn't want this.
Take it back.
Feb 2016 · 1.2k
Why Now?
I know things happen,
And bad things to good people;
I wonder sometimes,
Why to him? Why in this way?
And why now? Tell me.
Feb 2016 · 1.2k
Stratagems
There's always a ploy,
Complicated stratagems,
And a backup plan.
When I meet potential flirts,
I throw up my guard.
I save aloofness and pride
For the clingy one.
For the one given to thought,
I display impulse,
Expose spontaneity,
And show thoughtlessness.
For those expecting much praise,
I laugh at their face,
Disregarding some kindness,
And I spurn their wants.
But for the analyzer,
Who looks inside me--
I open up the floodgates,
I lay bare my faults,
And try to convince the man
Of every vileness
And of every cruelty
That I can muster.
For if he believes I sin,
And do so often,
Perhaps it will save him then
From the traps I'd lay
If I let myself like him,
Try to entrance him,
And lie about my dark soul.
This way, no man knows:
No man sees my tender heart,
No man knows my fears,
No man feels my true sorrow--
And my heart is saved.
But I wonder deep at night:
Am I lonely? No...
But I've run so far from love
That I'll never try again.
Feb 2016 · 742
Attention
I have this disease where I love everything I pay attention to
I don't pay attention in school,
And I pay attention to the wrong things.
Feb 2016 · 1.2k
Sonnet G
Give him wisdom and peace he's never known.
Give her humility she's never had.
Give me the listening ear I've yearned to show.
Give us grace through this before it gets bad.
'Cause he needs wisdom to deal with her words:
She might accuse him and confess little.
I don't think he's ready to be this hurt,
And I know his pride is hard and brittle.
Humility will save her from sadness
For if she admits her wrong, she'll be fine
And I will sit here amid the madness
Treading on mutual friendship's thin line.
Even though I wish this was just a phase,
To bring us through, I will bear any weight.
Lord, don't let this end in disaster.
Feb 2016 · 737
Maybe
Maybe
He will change his mind
Or grow a new opinion
As doors close for him.

Maybe
Thoughts will turn from her
And he'll see me waiting here
And he'll notice me.

Maybe
He will take a chance
Hoping that I will say yes
And I'll be surprised.



But maybe
He knows already
Because I've not been tactful:
He's seen my red face.

And maybe
He avoids me too
And rolls his eyes at my jokes
Because I'm stupid.

Maybe
He's flattered by me
By my attentions and smiles
And he lets me laugh.

Maybe
He doesn't notice
And I'm just another girl
Here on the sidelines.



maybe
he knows and hates me
and he talks behind my back.
i should give it up.

maybe**
it'll go up in flames
and he will embarrass me
and they will all see.
jab
Feb 2016 · 1.4k
Honestly
.Honestly,
She deserves better.
She would be so good for you,
But you would hurt her,
As you already have here
By forcing her to say no.

Honestly,
You need someone strong,
Someone to put up with you
And keep you in line,
Because you'll respond in turn
And influence will change you.

Honestly,
You have been the first.
I idolized the others.
But I see your flaws
As I ought to; I could say
All the things you need to hear.

But honestly,
You need more than me:
I would hurt you, I know it.
Though unintended,
I would run with my feelings
And push you away instead.

So honestly,
Think hard beforehand
Don't ask for what you don't want
You're resilient
But I'm a pain in the neck
And I don't want to break you.

Honestly
I won't make a move.
For both fear and for the hope
That we'll just be friends
If not best ones, then good ones:
Just as we are already.

So honestly
I might want to lie
But honest I will remain
As I tell you this:
That I would only choose you
If you fully knew the price.
jab
Dec 2015 · 2.2k
Passive Avoidance
He's always with my friends,
And I'm always with them,
And I kind of see him every single day.
The funny thing is this,
That I have a secret wish
To see how long—if—he can stay away.

One Sunday he slept late
And boy, I felt great
Knowing he'd miss church with us together
But smiling with chagrin
I saw him back again
When everyone meet up to eat our dinner.

I mentioned it that night
Before he I left his sight,
And he suggested—with us laughing together—
That someday, both of us
Should, without a fuss,
For fun, passively avoid each other.

Today has not been long
But so far I've been strong
And haven't sought him out, or told him so
But I know that tonight
We'll meet again, alright
And once again the count shall be zero.
Lol this guy. He gets on my nerves but he's too fun to hate.
Edit: April 19, 2016 - I didn't see him all day long.
Dec 2015 · 813
Myself And You
I've decided my sadness
Is not about you
And all of my worries
Are only mine, too

That I don't wished you liked me
I'm just overall lonely
I don't think you ignore me
I'm just not your somebody

I have my own life
I shouldn't make it about you
When you're yourself
I should be myself, too.
Dec 2015 · 1.0k
You Care
There is no romance
But I'm pretty sure you care...
You say "I love you"
But you say that all the time
To everybody. And me.
Dec 2015 · 1.7k
Forgive
I chose to forgive
And my hatred and anger
Dissipated, slow,
And mellowed out into this:
Apathy and honest care.
Dec 2015 · 1.9k
Pathetic
I try to be kind
But sometimes it's difficult;
You wouldn't believe,
But I can hold a mean grudge
Over something pathetic.
Dec 2015 · 1.3k
Distress
It distresses me:
I just can't think straight these days.
But one thing I know—
I am alright without you,
And that comforts me.
Dec 2015 · 741
That You Know.
I thought I could hide:
You seemed unassuming then;
But now, you see me,
And I know you look through me—
That you know, reassures me.
I lie to you, but it frightens me that you know.
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