You are a beast,
a monster,
an evil soul,
with an ugly vendetta
and a heart of stone.

You play games with people's minds,
use them like pawns in your world,
but the thing you don"t realize is
I'm not just an ordinary girl.

I'm strong and powerful,
brave and mighty.
My heart is gold,
my soul
beaming.

I am your undoing.
The end to your games.
I stand against you,
my army behind me.
Countless soldiers
ready for battle.

You can't win against us;
our cause is just,
to strike down the evil,
the monster
the beast.

And the beast,
my dear,
is you.

LEAVE. ME. ALONE.

I can't wait until I **** myself so everyone can pretend they care.

Who I am is not mesured by the words or opinions of others.
Who I am is what believe in.
And I believe in myself.

*I am strong.

Things were fine
until I started to feel alone.
Things were fine
until I wasn't needed.
Things were fine
until I was replaced.

I was happy
until I started to feel alone.
I was happy
until he chose a toxic relationship over me.
I was happy
until he replaced me as his best friend.

I was content
until I started to feel alone.
I was content
until I began to feel invisible.
I was content
until I became a waste of space.

I was recovering
until I started to feel alone.
I was recovering
until he tried to validate hurting me.
I was recovering
until he proved I wasn't important anymore.

I was getting over it
until I started to feel alone.
I was getting over it
until I started to feel alone.
I was getting over it
until I started to feel alone.

I WAS GETTING OVER IT
*UNTIL I REALIZED THAT I AM ALONE.

You were just a voice at first,
a melody I had never heard
that graced my ears.
I knew your name,
I knew your voice,
and I knew your laugh.
What I didn't know
was your face.
I had never met your tall frame.
I had never met your piercing blue eyes.
I had never met the vibrant light you brought to a room.
But once I did,
my whole world felt different.
Sure,
Luke was still in my heart,
But you,
you clouded my head.
I severed as many ties with him as I could,
not knowing it would lead me to you.
Prom was an idea to spite him.
The thought of taking his best friend to something so special,
it filled me with excitement.
But it was weeks later
when I realized,
it wasn't to spite him.
It was to spend time with you.
That's why I had my party;
invited you and the boys over,
so I could have you around me.
So I could make you smile.
Make you laugh.
That's all I want to do,
make you happy.
I wouldn't say I'm in love,
just
intrigued.

Rain drop
Drop top
I'm Rick Harrison and this is my pawn shop

Heartbreak is a funny thing,
it can lead you to discover new things about yourself,
for better,
or for worse.

The first time I met you
you were a stranger I desperately wanted to know.
A voice that carried and a face I searched for while performing.
"Who are you?"
"Apprentice sound tech and lights guy"
I had never seen you before.
New?
Freshman.
My heart lept.
You didn't look like a freshman.
You didn't act like a freshman.
You didn't carry yourself like a freshman.
You were different.
You were new.
You were sweet.
We messed around a bit before rehearsal,
theater became something I looked forward to
instead of dreading.
After each performance
I realized
I no longer would have an excuse
no opportunity to talk with you.
I had
no number,
no Snapchat username,
no Instagram handle,
no Facebook info.

Kylee was my savior;
let me steal your Snapchat from her.
You added me back later that day.
Facebook friends.
Found your Instagram.
Sent a snap of me making a pun.
You laughed,
thanked me for the cupcake
I brought just for you,
since you tried to steal mine the previous day.
We talked for hours.
Exchanged Skype names.

Now I love you and I can't get out.
I don't want to.
I know I'll get hurt
but the high
you give me
is too good to pass up.

I never imagined I'd meet someone like you

Lost but present
Open but secluded
Valiant but shy
Energetic but calm

Young and bright
Optimistic and kind
Utterly amazing

We both have blonde hair and blue eyes,
and we hate our lives!

I haven't been this in love since the first time I laid eyes on a cheeseburger.

Sorry.
I wasn't good enough.
I never will be.
Maybe next time,
learn how to cut a rope.
The pain of falling
To an immident death
hurts much less
than
holding on to a rope made of barbed wire
for months,
while you dance around
and prove that I wasn't good enough for you.
Sorry I'm not perfect to you.
Sorry I wasn't worth it.
I tried.
You gave nothing I return but a simple meaningless title.
"Good friend".
That just makes it more pathetic.
We were in love you *******.
I let you walk
all over
my broken
aching
body
and recived
nothing
in return
but abandonment.

And I knew then,
if I dared let the poison of love consume my being,
I would never be able to recover.
And yet,
I let it happen.
And I wish I regretted it,
but I don't think I ever will.

I'm alone.
I have no one.
And no one has me.
Mainly because no one wants me.
No one wants my baggage,
My abandonment issues,
My mental illnesses,
My broken heart,
My need for constant love,
My need for constant attention,
My pathetic excuse for a personality,
My pitiful mannerisms,
My self loathing,
My need for a new home.
No one wants that.
I'm not good enough.
I've tried so hard,
Walked so many miles,
Seen so many therapists,
Taken so many pills,
Exhausted every option.
I just need care.
But until I'm able to heal from things I can't without someone to help,
No one will help.
Isn't that pathetic?
So I just sit,
Alone,
Knees clutched to my chest,
Sobbing,
Trying to forget the pain
That losing one person caused me,
And trying to convince myself
"I'm fine"
When clearly,
I will never be fine.

I will never be perfect.
I will never be enough.
I just won't be,
to anyone.*
*My hair is too thin.
My thighs are too jiggly.
My **** isn't perky.
My face isn't symmetrical.
My body is unproportionate.
My stomach is chubby.
My ***** are awkward.
My voice is too annoying.
My smile is stupid.
My scars are too unattractive.
My problems aren't as bad as other people.
My depression is a nuisance.
My anxiety attacks are overly dramatic.
My PTSD is pathetic.
My personality is too complicated.
My laugh is obnoxious.
My attention span is irritating.
My needs are too much.
My heart is too damaged.
My foundation is cracked.
My dependance is exhausting.
My fears are childish.
My past is haunting.
My future isn't bright.
My soul is undeserving.
My insecurity is too strong.
I will never be perfect.
I will never be enough.
I just won't be,
to anyone.

I ****** up again.

And because I didn't apologize for stating my feelings,

I was left.

Yet again.

By someone who promised to never leave.

So goodbye,

To another person who realized that I'm impossible to love and not good enough.

because the touch of your skin is forever my favorite sensation,
your eyes are my favorite shade of lonely,
the beat of your heart is my favorite base line,
my favorite melody is the one your vocal cords carry.
I miss you,
because your warmth is my favorite temperature,
your face is my favorite sculpture,
the way you walk is my favorite dance,
my favorite flavor is the taste of your kiss.
I miss you,
because your smile is my favorite drug,
your laughter is my favorite song,
the color of you hair is my favorite shade of mysterious,
my favorite scent is yours.
I miss you,
because your love is the only one that was true,
your intentions were the only one's that were pure,
the way you looked at me could not be faked,
my heart was yours,
and yours was mine.

Until next time,
*the one who love you more than anything

Please,
Please,
For the love of God and my self esteem,
Do not
Under any circumstances
Compare me to another girl.

You see when you do this
My heart sinks.
My chest gets tight.
My through clenched.
My eyes sting.
My gut feels like it was struck by a first.
And my self confidence
Is nonexistent.

It doesn't matter who you are
Who she is
Or what my relationship to either of you is.
Just don't do it.
Being told that someone is better than me in any way
And that I am not good enough to be equals with them
Leaves me broken
And more depressed
Then you'd expect.

She
May be a better singer;
She
May be prettier;
She
May have enough to be perfect to someone.

Me?
I feel worthless
24/7.
And knowing that someone
Thinks less of me when compared to someone else,
Imagine
How you would feel
Knowing
That you are not ever going to see yourself excel in that area
Ever
Again.

So please,
Please,
For the love of God and my self esteem,
Do NOT
Under ANY circumstances
Compare me to another girl.

Thank you,
Insecure and pitiful

Hey, cutie, it's been a while.
I listened, again, to those old voicemails you left.
I guess I'm still kinda in denial.
I just wish our secrets were better kept.
It's been six months since my tears flowed like the Nile.
Six months without you due to theft.
Of the secrets best held inside my heart,
this is by far the most important one:
I love you, Mark Schmidt. Even through this part.
This game being played can never be won,
for they think you didn't love me from the start.
But the truth is you always did through our the run
and the leap
and the fall
in too deep
to hear the call
of prayers before sleep
and I know through it all
I'll love you still.
I love you, Mark Schmidt.
I always will.
I knew since the day and still do, that piece you gave was the only one that could fit.

Do you think Mark is okay? I'm scared. He's all alone and he has no one there for him and to hold and tell him that he's going to be okay. I'm so scared, Sean. People who've gotten the chance to see him out say that he looks terrible and like a zombie. He has literally no one. I hate not being able to do anything...

I'm so sorry, Button. I know you're hurting but...I don't know how to help you. The situation is beyond both of your controls at this point. Just stay strong. If not for yourself, for him. What was the last thing he said to you?

"WHY IS SHE TALKING TO ME I DON'T UNDERSTAND???"

Okay....what was the last thing he SAID to you?

"I love you, Victoria."

Then have faith in that. Believe that he loves you.

But he doesn't.

He does.

You don't know that.

But I do. He loved you then and he loves you now. Don't give up on him. There's still a chance.

Okay..*

So what else happened today?
........................................................­

Carrie Lee could care less about coffee.
Her arms lay crossed as she gazed out the window at the busy street.
Carrie gave a sigh, '"So why did you choose to see me?"
Jeremy cleared his throat and fiddled his fingers in discomfort.
"I missed you, Carrie. You were too busy to chat when I was in Germany."
She glanced his way and blinked a few times.
"Did you also miss Tracy, Lisa, Katie...?"
He quickly grasped the tone of her voice and squirmed in his seat.
Carrie's throat clenched once the words left her mouth, she predicted he'd get up and leave.
"I told you, Louie set me up to run into them like that. You know I would never hurt you."
"One fish, two fish,red fish, blue fish one deceive, two deceive."
He was puzzled , gasping for air over his failed attempt to convince her of his intentions.
"Tracy barely spoke to me at school, Lisa made fun of me daily, and Katie-"
Carrie's voice was stern and sharp and she gracefully stood from her seat and cut him off.
"Can you say you only care about me, honestly?"
Jeremy stood up and held Carrie's arms to reassure that she wouldn't leave.
"Carrie, please: listen to me."
She whipped her body away from his grasp. Eyes stinging from the memories she tried to forget for all those months.
He chased after her, wiping away her tears that flow free.
In disappointment she mumbles, "I'm sorry Jeremy, I guess your son just has to grow up not knowing his father."
"Carrie..."
People were staring as she gracefully stormed her way out of the cafe. It was just like their breakup in high school all over again.
"It's Carrie now. Katie tomorrow. Stay strong girl, leave him be."
His hand clenched the space in his chest he could feel expanding as his eyes started to hail.
Despite the tears blinding his vision, he followed her once again. "Of all the people in the world my heart had to choose, it choose you, Carrie."
His persistence made her feet stop, heart clench and mind reel.
Tears streaming down his face to his neck and his rosary.
She spoke "If I had a choice, it would choose you too. Maybe another life."
And at that moment, amidst the busy streets of Canterbury
was the soft whisper of two lonely hearts,
pledging to one another in loyalty,
"I love you".

"And the ****** who hurt you physically is a *******"
-Star Gazer, poet

Ignorablity is by far my best quality.
I could be in a room full of people,
Screaming in pain or sobbing like a baby,
And still be ignored.
I'm practically invisible
Sometimes it's good,
But mostly
It's a curse.
I've been crying every day this week,
But unsurprisingly,
No one has bothered to ask me why.
I'm slowly crumbling into myself,
Dying,
Alone,
Afraid,
Starving for care.
Yet,
Unsurprisingly
No one
Was
There.

You are the sweetest guy I have ever met.

You know all the right things to say,
you shower me with compliments,
make me laugh when I feel like crying.
You never cease to amaze me,
with your beautiful way with words.
Each line you text me,
a breath of poetry.
Your heart is an ocean of gold,
with nothing but kindness in it.
You chivalry is unmatched,
by the other guys I'm used to.
I cannot imagine a day without your words,
sending pangs of happiness up my spine.
I'd love to thank you
a million times each day,
but the time zones won't allow that.
One day I hope to meet you,
have that dinner we talked about.
See your smile in person.
Trace my fingers over your tattoos.
Hear your laugh when listening to my stories
of American high school.
We could stay up all night,
swapping stories in the dark.
Sit in the field near my house,
just gazing at the stars.

*Pun intended

I wish he'd write a poem about me.
There's a millions of people who might,
but he's the only one I want to.
Why?
I don't know..
Maybe I like him,
maybe I'm just pathetic.
Maybe I'm just lonely.
Maybe he's the only guy who's been kind to me.
Maybe I just get too jealous.
I think I'm special,
but I'm really not.
Whoever he's in love with,
I hope she's better for him than I'd ever be.
I'm just too jealous of a person.
I just want someone to love me.




*I'm so pathetic

I will never be perfect.
I will never be enough.
I just won't be,
to anyone.
My hair is too thin.
My thighs are too jiggly.
My **** isn't perky.
My face isn't symmetrical.
My body is unproportionate.
My stomach is chubby.
My ***** are awkward.
My voice is too annoying.
My smile is stupid.
My scars are too unattractive.
My problems aren't as bad as other people.
My depression is a nuisance.
My anxiety attacks are overly dramatic.
My PTSD is pathetic.
My personality is too complicated.
My laugh is obnoxious.
My attention span is irritating.
My needs are too much.
My heart is too damaged.
My foundation is cracked.
My dependance is exhausting.
My fears are childish.
My past is haunting.
My future isn't bright.
My soul is undeserving.
My insecurity is too strong.
I will never be perfect.
I will never be enough.
I just won't be,
to anyone.

There was a certain air to the night, that reminded me too much of you.

I wasn't sure if it was your cologne or just a warmth within the winds.

Maybe it was the coldness of your empty side of the bed.

Or the weightlessness of my empty hands without yours in them.

Memories of you were inescapable. Everything about you lingered in the air.

This time, This place
Misused, Mistakes
Too long, Too late
Who was I to make you wait
Just one chance
Just one breath
Just in case there's just one left
'Cause you know,
you know, you know

That I love you
I have loved you all along
And I miss you
Been far away for far too long
I keep dreaming you'll be with me
and you'll never go
Stop breathing if
I don't see you anymore

On my knees, I'll ask
Last chance for one last dance
'Cause with you, I'd withstand
All of hell to hold your hand
I'd give it all
I'd give for us
Give anything but I won't give up
'Cause you know,
you know, you know

So far away
Been far away for far too long
So far away
Been far away for far too long
But you know, you know, you know

I wanted
I wanted you to stay
'Cause I needed
I need to hear you say
That I love you
I have loved you all along
And I forgive you
For being away for far too long
So keep breathing
'Cause I'm not leaving you anymore
Believe it
Hold on to me and, never let me go
Keep breathing
'Cause I'm not leaving you anymore
Believe it
Hold on to me and, never let me go
Keep breathing
Hold on to me and, never let me go
Keep breathing
Hold on to me and, never let me go

I only have two friends in this world.

Jesse and Christina.

I pray for them everyday.

All they rest have gone away.

Because I'm tired of all the lying.

I'm tired of all the drama.

I just want to be happy.

Is that such a problem?

Apparently.

Who are you to worm your way into my life?
Who are you to stick your nose into my business?
Who are you to scar me with your knife?
Who are you to laugh at my skins thinness?

Why are you so incredibly invasive?
Why are you so undeniably malicious?
Why are you so desperate to be hated?
Why are you so harshly vicious?

Who am I to be unreasonably attacked?
Who am I to be relentlessly victimized?
Who am I to have my foundation cracked?
Who am I to have to be the only one civilized?

Why am I forced to still deal with your immaturity?
Why am I still having to defend myself against your blows?
Why am I being attacked because of your insecurity?
Why am I dealing with these questions I've posed?

"The simplest way to describe love is probably when you feel like, just being around them, you're at home.
You forget about everything else.
Everything fades away except their presence and your presence.
You give everything just to spend a minute with them.
You sacrifice sleep some nights just in case they need you at all.
You get a warm feeling inside of your chest whenever you hear their voice and when they're talking about something they're passionate about, you can't stop smiling and all your attention is on them.
They know all the right things to say and never fail to remind you that they exist and love you with every fiber of their being.
You never feel nervous around them, or get butterflies, nor does your heart beat out of control.
You're calm and relaxed."

I see things in the clouds,
pretty things,
scary things,
sometimes just shapes and fluff.
I feel things becasue of the clouds,
weightlessness,
lightheartedness,
sometimes just nothing.
I think about things because of the clouds,
flying far away,
how lovely that would be,
sometimes just mesmerized into sleep.

Contrary to popular belief,
depression is the best pain killer there is.
It forces itself down your throat,
and canon-***** into your stomach.
Ripples chills throughout your body,
that's when you know it's starting to work.
It pulses through your veins,
numbness radiating through you.
Soon,
there is no pain.
It will consume you until there is nothing left,
just the hollow shell
of a once
happy
girl.

Something about you,
makes my heart flutter.
I don't know why,
and I don't know how,
I managed to fall.
But I did.
And now,
I can't stop thinking about you.
Your goofy smile,
your sandy hair,
your stupid jokes,
and your banter with me.
These things built up
the foundation
of a crush.
But graduation is in less than two months.
Then,
you may be gone forever.

Piece by piece,
I gather myself up.
I'm shattered.
But the shards of my heart
are too sharp for putting back together.
But I'll recover when hell freezes over
and the dead come home.
I'm lost, afraid
ying to escape these walls.
Trapped
somewhere I know nothing of
and as if it's that simple to leave,
why don't I?
Alyssa?
Jordan?
Molly?
Emilie?
Tyler?
Sean?
Jesse?
Mark?
No..
I have to survive through this war I've been fighting.
Depression never quits.
And neither
will
I.

Recently, my awake feels faker than my dreams.
I can't help but scream.
It's killing me,
this pain I feel.
I'm trying to distract myself from what I perceive as real.
It's impossible to heal.
This cycle I'm in tears me to shreds.
Honestly, I'd be better off dead,
so I just stay in bed.
Pretending that the pain is gone
and you're still there singing me that stupid song.
It's been too long.
The heart can only take so much before it shatters.
Not that it really matters,
the pieces are too scattered.
The shards are too sharp to put back together and I don't know why.
I'd honestly rather die.
Waking up makes me want to cry.
Dreams are too much for my heart to take
because seeing your face feels fake.
But it was a decision my soul had to make,
to forget you
and all my tears fall like dew
when I think of all we had been through.
It hurts.
Maybe I'll find you again on my search,
and for what it's worth,

**I loved you.

My lifeline is a boy who doesn't exist.
A made up dream thought up by a kid.
His dark hair the hills of soil for my flowers.
His gaze the river I could float in for hours.
His enchanting eyes the moon that shines in the dark.
His pink lips the shade of my Bleeding Hearts.
His freckles the ladybugs that land in the garden.
His smile the reflection of the sun on the pond.
His heart beat the rhythm of my feet as I run.
His voice the call of a summers day.
His back the tree I use to reach for the skies.
His hands the branches I use to climb.
His arms the fortress surrounding my fragility.
His chest the pillow where I weep.
His legs the wings that steer me home.
His mind the temple where I roam.
His heart the bed where I rest.
His "I love you" the one that knows me best.
My lifeline is a boy who doesn't exist.
A made up dream I thought up,*
*that's it.

I still get chills and waves of pain
When she writes and speaks your name.
But looking back,
Reading your words
And listening to recording you made,
I reminisce and smile,
Looking through pictures
Of our happy life together,
And don't feel afraid.
You loved me more than you ever had anyone else.
Forever in my heart,
And forever in my dreams,
I pray for angles to protect you,
Through the tears and screams.
You're all alone now,
Unable to find peace,
But know in your heart,
I will always be yours.
The day you promised,
We could name our first son Oliver.
The day you reminded me,
My initials would stay the same after we married.
The day you first told me,
How much I meant.
The day you proved,
Our love was cement.
I keep you in my thoughts and dreams,
And maybe one day,
It won't end up as bad as it seems.

Love,
Mrs. VR *******br>

Mark,
You are a cute *** *******.
Unlike any guy I've ever had the slightest bit of interest in, I don't freak the **** out when I see you or when I talk to you.
You're kind and gentle and goofy and I don't see anything wrong with you.
You would think that having a lot of problems of my own would make me feel the need to invalidate yours but in actuality, when something is wrong, I will do whatever I can to help you. Even if it means dealing with not talking to you for a while. Yes, it does make me sad and yes, I do hate it. But it's what I need to do.
I'll never feel safer in my entire life when I'm in your arms.
This is the most complicated situation that I've ever had to deal with. But I love it.
I don't care if my stepdad doesn't like you and doesn't want us o see each other.
I don't care if my mom hate me taking pictures with you. She doesn't understand what it's like.
No one does.
I don't care if we can't necessarily be out in public too much because of the situation.
I don't care if I'm being threatened or people hate me.
The people who really care about me are there to protect me. And they will debunk any rumors that anyone tries to spread.
No one is going to believe that I had *** with you.
I've never been that kind of girl.
Even when I had my little thing with Sean and he started to talk about it, I laughed and ignored it.
I've never been in a relationship before and I'm not about to get all caught up in my first one.
I'm better than that.
I don't look down on people who do.
It's just not in my personality and I have too much self respect to let myself fall into that.
Plus, you're already in enough trouble.
You're not dumb enough to purposefully get into more.
Anyways, as I was saying.
It's only going to be difficult for a little while.
But if we can survive through this, I don't see why our relationship would turn to **** anytime soon after I graduate.
I'm one of those kinds of people who loves to plan ahead and fantasize about my life after high school.
I can't take everything by the day.
I find it extremely hard to live in the moment because moments don't last forever.
And the faster they go by, the sooner I'm living my life how I want to live it.
The only time that my heart makes me live in the moment, is when I'm with you, because there are so few. And a lot of that is my fault. I should have been more careful. I should have deleted messages more often and made sure to get rid of any evidence.
I'm sorry. If I could go back and change what I messed up on, I would.
I want nothing more than to restart this whole entire year.
I ****** up so much and I can't blame anyone but myself for how ****** things are.
I guess I just have to deal with it.
But what ***** is that because of me and my irresponsibility, you have to suffer.
I'm so sorry.
Every night I go to sleep afraid that the next morning you're going to wake up and realize that you don't need me.
That's the thing I'm most afraid of.
It's happened so many times and I don't want to have to suffer through another heartbreak.
I can't not have you in my life.
Contrary to what everyone thinks, you're the best thing in my life.
All you did was love me and let me love you and that wasn't wrong.

I don't feel here anymore.
It's as if as the seconds go by,
I'm disappearing.
Dissolving
into nothing.
And there isn't anything
I can do
to stop it.
I'm slipping
farther and
farther
away
from life,
and closer
and closer
to oblivion.

**I'm in too much pain to fight a war that isn't worth it.

There is not a sign on my back saying "kick me".
Therefore there is no invitation to do so.
What about that is so hard to understand?
The world will probably never know.
We let others play their games and
Maybe when they've grown up,
The might feel the same pain they put us through.

Of all the times to be alive,
why did it have to be now?

I've tried so hard,
and I've made it this far, (and I still can't make it,)
so I will carry on. (so I should give up,)
People care (No one cares)
about my future.

Be brave, my love.

**Your dearest,
Victoria

There is a feeling I love.
A feeling I can't deny is my favorite.
Some may call it dangerous,
some,
may call it childish.
By I,
can't help
how much
I love it.