I quit therapy, despite it helping me.
The place and time stopped being right.
I think she'd be so disappointed
I'm full of shame again tonight.

The trees here look sad,
And the grass is a little dry,
But when I look into the sky,
I can feel your smile,
and hear your voice.

And I wonder what you're doing up there,
Are you playing guitar?
Maybe curling your hair.
You could even be, watching me,
I wouldn't know...

But I think of you..
And I wonder what you're doing.
I hope you're having a good time.
And I know the sun always shines for you.

I think you’re amazing,
the things you do
the way you say things,
how entertained you become
when you’re fighting cassowaries.
You make me want to be better,
you teach me things, even through letters.
I’m so proud to be the person next to you.

Last night I cried
until I had red eyes
hyperventilating;
I was
continuously saying
that I wanted to die
in between every breath
trembling;
I was
mumbling little nothings
that meant everythings yet
no one wanted to hear me.
I am
breathing;
steadily now, the next day.

You don't write often
but I still check your page every day.
You word things in such a sublime way.

I wonder what you're doing right now
Are you sleeping or are they testing you?
I hope you're eating enough.

Honestly I am so done with your ****
*               I need help, won't you do this?
This time no, I don't think that I will
I'm tired of trying to do a good deed
just for you and it comes right back-
freezing my heart some worn out
number below zero degrees. I'm
so tired of trying to be there for you
always 100 percent and you just not
seeing it. you made me go from types
of sublime to forms of somber. You
were never really-TRULY-there for
me I now can remember that, simply.
This is my goodbye, don't contact me
again in this life.

This Jellyfish that floats along
trying to confidently stay strong
is distinctly sad, so often it feels like
it could just sting itself,
but it does *not.

It floats along.

Wait... Don't leave, please; come back to me
I've been getting into drugs and other things
I am fearful for my own well being...
But these actions I am taking hold of
Keep my mind off from what's truly going on,
I'm not sure that I'll ever really stop...

Acidic fury is exactly what I'm feeling, towards you.
The tactics that you've caused me to go through are so painful
I do not understand why you would be so untruthful.
It's almost as if I am floating upon this drift that is full of words you had said in the sweetest of voices.
"I love you."
"You're my stars, my suns, my galaxies."
I keep repeating these sentences thoroughly through-out my mind, every single night.
Remembering the tone, the beat, the eye contact you had made.
Trying to take in the truth, that it was always fake.
Your undying ability to lie straight to my face, was so horrid.
I am feeling betrayed as this 'Caraphernelia' settles in.
I am unaware of the day when my memory of you will fade away.
I hope it's soon.

Your voice is still ringing in my ears as I am dizzily spinning around in my mind,
Trying and trying to just get by this heart breaking of stages.
If only it were easier to forget your name.
Your name.
I will not repeat.
I do not want to say it, I will not cry screaming for you again.
I cannot.
There it is.
The words that you had said to me.
"I love you."
"You are my stars, my suns, my galaxies."
Now I'm crying.
I keep repeating these sentences thoroughly through-out my mind, every single night.
Remembering the tone, the beat, the eye contact you had made.
Trying to take in the truth, that it was fake.

All of my secrets are known by 3:00AM.

Silence...

Except for my fan.
All that I knew,
was sadness back then.
but these days are brighter
and bolder and more lovely,
back then I never would've guessed
I could be this happy.

I only wish I could tell the old me,
that things get better.

I'll never stop waiting for you.

I could sit and ponder,
how much longer
will I have to wait
until I'll see your face...
but I know it won't be forever
though I swear I'd wait that long.
You're the only one who truly sees me.
You make me feel real,
I'm not just an object taking up space
in this world I have a place, in your heart.

I look back over
all of our time together,
I see the smiles,
the tears and the laughs.
everything that’s in between
is also special to our past.
The things I’ve wanted to forget,
the things that make my heart skip,
they all mix together
and give me more reasons to love you.

Interruption creates dysfunction,
I try to stay focused but find myself distracted
When my flow state is corrupted
It causes a malfunction.

Why can't you send a message
Instead of speaking to me in person
Calling is a last resort,
I'll wait for your text.

The talking in the office is irritating.
The sound of the fax machine
Papers shuffling
Quiet is key

Headphones help me,
I feel like I'm time travelling
When I put them to use,
Please stay away from me.

tired;
I want you here.
I want to lay with you
and not be scared.

I know
it's not much longer, right?

You light up my world
and scare away the thunder.

this night is over
i'm all tired out
remember when I say
everything's okay,
d*on't let them bring you down
because tomorrow is another day
and things will turn around.

Heavy heart.
Tightening lungs.
Confused thoughts.

I'm literally so tired
I could fall asleep right now
It's a struggle to stay awake
Despite all of the sounds

I was tossing and turning
All night long
I woke up a few times
Thinking I would fall.

It's saddening, right?
I'm afraid to be alone.
I don't know how to be.
But when I am surrounded.
I tend to grab my bags and flee.
I'm so tired.. of this war,
Inside of my distressed mind.
Don't tell me to love,
Then have me run.
I want a forever.
Despite the pain that I caused.
It makes me feel selfish.
I was wrong.

my eyes are red
as im laying in bed
im remembering what you said
so many thoughts of mine are left unsaid,

but i couldn't tell you why
even if i tried
sometimes it's just hard to decide
if these words I find sound just right.

And now I'm laying in the dark crying,
Wishing for some form of comfort.
But I don't need this right now.
I need to embrace my frown.
Don't give in to the tightening of your heart.
It's not a permanent occurrence.
That is what I'm afraid of.
I won't give into this feeling.
Because I'm afraid it will fade.
He does not deserve that loss.
So I will continue to be lost.
All by myself.
This is my fate.

It must be nice to not be lonely.
To have such a place,
Where people smile; the same song.
I want to someday, sing along.
It's too bad that I'm not wanted.
No one wants to hear my voice.
At least not by choice.

Today I saw an old man
who wore a golden chain
around his neck which
looks kind of red
I wonder if he's mad
I can't help but question
how he got the chain and
what makes him wear it
I wonder why people wear
things around their neck.
It usually irritates my skin
but sometimes I like it.
I wonder why that is..

I want to hold on to you,
even if it burns me.
I want to be next to you,
despite how you've hurt me.

Forever is a long time,
but can I spend it together, with you?

As I walk up the stairs, there's anxiety in the air.

Just feel like driving,
Clearing my head,
I look back in our past,
and I just see our smiles and laughs,
So many memories.
I can't forget.
But you and me baby,
We're gone and past..

I don't wanna go back and see our past,
I'm so tired of crying as I lay down on the floor,
You broke my heart babe,
and I gave back yours,
Too bad,
So sad,
Is all my mom can tell me anymore.

I keep waiting,
For you to say you're sorry,
and that you'd like to see me,
but you're not gonna do that, are you?
And even though I'm crying it seems I keep denying,
That anything ever happend,
because,

I don't wanna go back and see our past,
I'm so tired of crying as I lay down on the floor,
You broke my heart babe,
and I gave back yours,
Too bad,
So sad,
Is all my mom can tell me anymore.

My heart aches with too many emotions,
I want to throw them away.
I wish I could do what others say,
and forget these things that fill me with rage.

I want you to touch me
Press your lips against mine
I'm feeling flustered,
But I won't hide...
If you'd just touch me,
I might lose my mind.

It's always been hard for me to switch,
To stop what I'm doing and move on to the next thing
That I'm told to do, whether it's at home, work or even going to the grocery store.

Sometimes I sit for 20 minutes before going in somewhere.
Punctuality has been a staple for me
Even if it means sitting in my car for an hour,
I will be there on time.

I like having time in between these things to prepare
It's like I need to switch mindsets before I begin,
Sometimes 8 hours felt like a punishment.
Other times it can fly by thanks to dissociation.

I never noticed before
Just how much I like control.
Structure, routine.
These things keep me grounded.

I was always made to go with the flow;
The rules, never my own.
When I flip the pages and read my thoughts
I notice I never liked being torn away from focus.

I loved to sit and work on my passions,
Never cringing at myself for being interested.
I think I learned to dislike my interests
Because others didn't and that was cringe to them.

I was made to follow but told to be a leader,
I'll never know which is better or why.
I don't understand the logic or matter,
Can't everyone decide what's important?

For my parents it was tradition,
What was taught to them
and likely the people before,
The question is where does blame lie?

I would be ripped away from creativity,
To be forced to finish my plate and more,
Promised desserts I never received,
To instead dissociate and remain unfree.

I think this was so damaging to me.

My mom took me back through her thoughts,
Shared stories of how troublesome I was,
She said I always had issues
with being torn away from my tasks.

Tells me it wasn't serious,
But she and others beat my ***.
I have to wonder how I felt then.
I was only three and hurt so often.

I decided to skip the yelling eventually,
I'd go to the corner for thinking differently.
Until I would turn and say okay to my mom,
Who'd laugh at me for being upset.

It's interesting how she doesn't see it.
I have always had a hard time with transitions,
Child, teenager, adult, it's been hard.
And I am going to learn why.

I can't remember the last time I played my guitar and I know when he gets home he'll ask me whether or not I've been playing like the star that he wants me to be well no, I'm sorry.. Please don't hate me for not wanting to carry out your childhood dreams that somehow became my own I just want to survive without becoming too broken before the end.

Yeah, I'm seeing these bags underneath my eyes
but don't worry they aren't leaving me blind
I'm just so tired of the sleepless nights
because you're stuck on my mind
and I'm feeling frightened,
I wish you were near
but you're not here
you're anywhere

You're at an anywhere
that's so far away from me,
it's unclear.

You've stood beside me,
and never let go of my hand.
Even when our feet were
slipping in the sand.

Surrounded by creatures, all around
we stand together
and embrace every sound,
I hope it'll stay this way forever.

The things that I said
were meant to be so
unforgivable.. to the
point where you'd
never want to see me
or speak to me again.
I said it all for a reason.
To avoid getting hurt
by you once more.
But I miss you everyday
and I'm sorry for everything.
I'm not going to say anything
to you though. Because there
will only ever be one result: pain.