I wanna write something,
so ****** it’s bad.
Something when you read,
you get so ******* mad.

I wanna touch on those insecurities,
that only I knew about.
I wanna push all those buttons,
till your crying out loud.

I wanna curse you,
tell you that I hope you’re miserable.
I wanna break you down,
till your a pile of dribble.

I want to rage at you,
and put a hole through the wall.
I want to scream at you till,
you feel ******* small.

sigh

I want to tell you I love you,
even through it all.
I want to do all these things,
cause I feel two inches tall.

I want to tell you I’m sorry,
and that it’s ok,
and that I still think about you,
and wonder if you’re happy today.

I wanna look in your eyes,
to see if the grass was greener after all.
And if it turns out it wasn’t,
I’d tell you not to feel small.

I want to give you advice,
and to re-know your heart.
I want all the things,
that we had from the start.

I’m a walking contradiction,
with that I’m on terms,
but I guess I never stopped loving you,
through the crashes and burns.

*sigh

A wildfire of color races across the night sky, somehow managing to be bright and beautifully dull at the same instance.
The earth is tipping, tipping, tipping. Using this racing color show as it’s farewell for another day.
You always loved this moment.
You always loved the moment when the colors sharpened against that steadily increasing backdrop of black. Red, to orange, purple then pink. It was the time that God loved us the most you used to say, to give us such beauty and to learn to appreciate it because it is gone in such a brief moment.
Like you were.
You were my sunset, my beautiful moment that did not last long enough, and unlike you I didn’t appreciate that flash of brilliance.
I do now.
Unlike the sunset, the morphing of hues of colors that seem to blend endlessly into that final cresciendo, I let the black seep in until all the colors had faded away.
I wonder where you are now.
I wonder if you are watching this.
I wonder if you are thinking of me.
I wonder if you appreciated the wildfire, no matter how brief, that was Us.
I wonder....

You’ve already taken,
all that I had.
My ambition, my drive,
even my dreams have turned bad.

I can’t keep doing this,
you're killing me ya know.
It took a long time to realize,
I was out of control.

I thought you were helping,
at first it was fun.
You helped me relax,
but I have to be done.

Some days I don’t miss you,
and others it’s hell.
I wish I could forget you,
but I miss your smell.

How can you be so seductive,
and dangerous too?
And why don’t I seem normal,
unless I have you?

Today is bad,
I need you I think.
My brain won’t shut up,
and sanity’s on the brink.

You intoxicate me,
you literally do.
I’m wasting away though,
and that’s literal too.

So please stay away,
and get out of my head.
Let me live my life,
without so much dread.

Today’s a bad day,
I’ll try to be strong.
I think I can do it,
but I don’t know for how long.

Lately I’ve wondered,
about everything.
I still try to make sense,
of an unwoven string.

Why does it still hurt,
when I remember you?
When I remember us,
before it all fell through.

Is it even possible,
that you used me so long?
Or did you say that to hurt me,
and justify your wrongs.

Did it help you to think,
that I didn’t matter at all?
Did you secretly smile,
knowing that I’d fall?

I cannot believe that,
I refuse to hate you.
I refuse to give in,
and accept a false truth.

I refuse to accept,
that I didn’t know your heart,
because if I accept that,
then it will tear me apart.

We both turned into things,
we should be ashamed of,
but even till the end,
I was still in love.

Now each day is torture,
trying to lie to myself.
Now I’m the one being fake,
trying to love someone else.

Is that how it felt,
when you were with me?
If it was then I understand,
and I can finally see.

She is sweet and kind,
and loves me so much,
but I have no more to give,
because I yearn for your touch.

So I’m doing to her,
what you did to me.
I’m not being fair,
but her loves imprisoning.

Going through the motions,
now I understand,
and I forgive what you did,
when you let go of my hand.

So I’ll just keep going,
and love you from afar.
Maybe one day it can change,
and this will just be a scar.

Where are you going,
and where have you been?
How long have you traveled,
never finding the end?

How can you keep moving,
towards the nothing you see?
How’d you become a prisoner,
yearning to be free?

When did you realize,
nothing mattered anymore?
When did the clarity hit you,
that it didn’t matter before?

When did the hate,
take control of you?
Guiding your actions,
and all that you do.

When did the darkness,
begin to creep in?
Consuming the light,
that used to shine within.

When did you decide,
to stop living your life?
Each day as painful,
as a fresh cut from a knife.

There has to be more,
I’m just afraid that there’s not.
My hope has dried up,
and I’m scraping the ***.

So what do you do,
when your mind kills your heart?
When you’re so overwhelmed,
you don’t know where to start.

If you should find answers,
then please let me know.
Until then I’ll keep in the hurt,
and try to not let it show.

Generalized *******,
anatomically anomaly.
Undoubtedly, indubitably,
masagonistic managomy.

Peaceably, restricting me,
consequently bare.
Panoramic, parasitic,
encompassing stare.

Romantically constipated,
embarrassing bore.
Grossly, morosely,
simplistic *****.

Wheedling, needling,
nasally voice.
Halitosis, boisterous,
unrealistic choice.

I remember the way you looked,
the night we first met.
It seems like ages ago,
when your last name was Arivett.

Blonde hair and that sweater,
the one I loved so much.
It was light grey,
and so soft to the touch.

I brought you carnations,
that were white as pearl,
but I saved back three,
for your little girl.

You both met me at the door,
and she was super shy.
She giggled an squealed,
holding her flowers tight.

I was never dating you,
it was all of us.
Three against the world,
that’s how it always was.

Then we moved away,
and you got pregnant.
I was so **** thrilled,
but you didn’t want to keep it.

I was hurt and confused,
but I blamed the hormones.
I guess I should have seen,
when I saw that message on your phone.

I didn’t even know the dude,
because you never told me,
but the pic that he sent you,
should have made me see.

But I forgave that,
and I moved on,
till I found out you ****** him,
and then the trust was gone.

Still I forgave you,
and put it out my head.
I ignored all the warnings,
because of things you said.

Now you are gone,
and took our little girl.
And Bub is a hostage,
and ****’s starting to swirl.

Everything that I have,
is a memory of you.
Memories that grow darker,
cause they’re only half truths.

The cards and the notes,
that I store away.
I want them to be real,
but if they were you’d have stayed.

Your love was a lie,
that you built so well,
that you couldn’t imagine the damage,
when it finally fell.

Now I’m the one that’s digging through,
trying to make the pieces fit.
I can’t move on until it’s done,
but you simply don’t give a ****.

I just wish you’d tell me,
if it was real or if it was fake.
Tell me it was just a nightmare,
for my sanity’s sake.

I’m not gonna lie
and tell you I’m ok.
Just please tell me,
how much longer do I have to pay?

I know the pain will never end,
I just want some ******* relief.
Cause I cannot keep doing this,
and the memories are growing teeth.

What is your obsession,
with writing depression?
Just forget about it,
and try to move on.

A therapy session?!
That’s out of the question.
You’re perfectly fine,
if you do that, I’m gone.

Anti-depressants are bad,
you saw what happened to dad,
Do you want to be like a zombie,
now that’s crazy to me.

There’s no reason to be sad,
and I understand that your mad,
but there is key elements here,
that you refuse to see.

I may just be a voice,
but I do have a choice,
and I’m not the problem,
cause I’m basically you.

Alright fine, I get it,
God you sound pathetic,
blaming all your problems,
on what’s in your head.

You want to be sane,
and forget all your pain,
but it’s what makes you you,
so embrace it and move on.

You cannot erase me,
so let’s just let it be.
I can help you get through this,
together, just us.

Alright, put down the pill,
and tell me how you feel.
Oh man I feel weird,
what the **** have you done....

I was walking a tunnel,
so cold and alone.
With no light to guide me,
no way to be shown.

I walked, and I walked,
for days upon nights.
Just a long empty tunnel,
with no end in sight.

That was my life,
before I met you,
and where I was going,
I hadn't a clue.

You took away my fear,
and you made me complete.
Something I always thought,
an impossible feat.

This love that we share,
feels just like a dream,
and I feel like my heart,
may burst at the seams.

You are selfless and caring,
and you have always been there.
You look through my flaws,
cause you simply don't care.

You are perfect to me,
in every way.
In all that you do,
and all that you say.

You have taken my soul,
and filled in the crease.
Your my soulmate, my love,
you were my missing piece...

The best parts of you,
are what make me, me.
My smile, my hair,
my personality.

You grew me inside you,
and nurtured me slow,
smiling when I kicked,
and helping me grow.

How could I not love you?
Without you, there’s no me.
I could never imagine,
life without you, you see?

Every fall, every scrape,
every skinned knee.
You made such a big deal,
at every injury.

I know it’s not easy,
and I can be a brat,
but when I really need you,
you’re there to hold me so fast.

You’re the diplomat, the cook,
you’re the washer and nurse.
You can be a bit crazy,
but you held me first.

Now I am older,
and understand the truth.
There is no handbook,
that shows you what to do.

You winged it mom,
always questioning things,
but you never stopped trying,
and never stopped giving.

I love you for that,
for the unhindered love.
For the meals, and the talks,
and for the endless hugs.

I will always love you,
because you’re the best parts of me.
You’re a fighter, a wonder,
you’re what I wish to be.


Happy Mother’s Day

Since the day I was born,
you have always been there.
Showing me love,
showing me that you care.

You have watched me grow up,
into the man that I am.
You taught me my manners,
to say ''please'' and ''yes maam''.

It has been a long road,
it's been curved and rough,
but you always stick by me,
and you never give up.

So now I’m thinking back,
to when I was so small.
With you watching Godzilla,
and the cyclops in Krull.

Laughing hysterically,
at the mangy king kong.
Hiding my face in your shirt,
when chucky did wrong.

The hours and hours,
of pitching skills taught,
and the bruises and swellings,
that each lesson brought.

So many memories,
that you have given to me,
and an outlook on life,
that few others can see.

You are the mother,
every child wishes for.
The one I show tears to,
my best friend and more.

So to the mother I love,
I just wanted to say,
that you've made me so proud,
to be your son every day...

I reach for your hand,
and I give a soft squeeze.
I lean my head back,
and enjoy the warm breeze.

I take in the sight,
of the snow covered peaks,
as the tears stream my face,
and I wipe off my cheeks.

The top of the world,
is a beautiful place,
but it still doesn't match,
the smile on your face.

You have given me hope,
when all hope was lost,
and you've shown me that love,
can come at no cost.

You believed in me,
when no one else would,
and you stand by my side,
where no one has stood.

You have taken my heart,
and pieced it back whole.
You’ve  helped me to stand,
and gave me back my soul.

I don't know what to say,
for all that you do,
and for the love that you give me,
and your selflessness to.

But I can promise you love,
until the end of all time,
and I'll stand by you forever,
with your hand safe in mine.

My sweet, beautiful angel,
the love of my life.
My reason for living,
and my soon to be wife...

Running, running,
running away.
Running to a time,
that isn’t today.

Wasting, wasting,
wasting away.
Something isn’t right,
I’ve gone astray.

Slipping, slipping,
slipping away.
Losing my grip,
a little more each day.

Crying, trying,
flying away.
What do I do,
please help me today.

Never mind,not your fault,
just run away.
I’ll try to fix me,
tomorrow, not today.

Once upon a time,
is how fairytales begin,
but Happily Ever After,
is not reality before The End.

Take anguish and grief,
and sprinkle it with some spite.
Add a dash of self hatred,
and some pain till it tastes right.

Don’t forget betrayal,
to give it that bitter note.
Maybe just a pinch of love,
to bring the sweetness to your throat.

And you can’t forget addiction,
any one will do.
Maybe a touch of insanity,
if you want some zest to this stew.

Now, Once Upon A Time,
you tried this meal,
and Happily Ever After,
was certainly not how you feel.

I’m afraid that if we keep eating,
then we’ll all be dead soon.
Because what we’ve made is poison,
and hope is our spoon.

So now it’s your choice,
eat up, or start again.
I’d suggest starting over,
cause if you don’t it’s The End.

My mind wanders back,
to one year ago,
to the night that we met,
and your radiant glow.

I told you I loved you,
that night as we kissed,
and we both saved each other,
from that dark, cold abyss.

Life was unfair,
to us it had seemed.
Forced to live lives,
that were terrible dreams.

A life without you,
for twenty three years,
making mistakes,
that now seem so clear.

Mistakes that taught me,
that love’s not enough.
Mistakes that taught me,
that even “perfect” is rough.

Our love became rocky,
as you became scared,
and at times I lost faith,
wondering if you cared.

But that promise I made,
to myself that first night,
to never let you go,
without a fight.

I promised I’d save you,
and show you how love could be.
How it felt to be loved,
unconditionally.

You have hurt me, it’s true,
and made me question the truth,
but I never, not once,
lost my faith in you.

Because no matter the fight,
and no matter the lie,
I still see my angel,
that’s buried inside.

The angel you show,
when you think I can’t see.
When you’re giggling and smiling,
and simply care-free.

That’s the woman I’ve loved,
since the day we first met.
A woman with strength,
that she hadn’t found yet.

So remember sweetheart,
that perfect is flawed.
We’ve made it this far,
and we’re still standing tall.

Love’s just a word,
that could never describe,
the way you make me feel,
when I look in your eyes.

The feelings you give me,
and the warmth in my heart,
and the sadness and pain,
when we are apart.

So now as I’m thinking back,
I can’t help but grin,
because there’s not one thing I’d change,
if I could do it again.

Where the **** are we going?
Take off the blindfold so that I can see,
ya I know that you said that already,
but we got places to be.

Finally, Jesus now tell me,
what the **** are we doing out here?
And why the hell are you smiling?
The ******* mean that should be clear?

Oh I see, another scare tactic,
let me guess you’re taking control?
You know that this never works,
wait, why the **** did you dig a hole?

What do you mean you’re scared of me?
I’ve always just been here to help.
Oh here we go again about therapy.
******* mean it’s about mental health?

I’m only what you made me, but I like it here,
so I think that I’ll ******* stay.
We both know you don’t have what it takes,
so put the gun down and just walk away.

You keep acting like you don’t know me,
like I’m just a part of the id.
That’s laughable, Brad, you’re an idiot,
I’ve known you since you were a kid.

You act like the drinking was my fault,
but who the **** pulled you out of the gloom?
And what about all those nights you cried,
after grandma died, all alone in your room?

Look, just put the gun down,
and let’s go have a drink.
Nah, you’ll never be done,
thats just what you think.

Fine, go ahead, pull the trigger,
you know I’ll be back in a week.
Bury your issues like always,
but you better bary me ******* deep.

Getting rid of me will solve nothing,
I’ll be with you until you die,
so no goodbyes, I’ll see you later,
but go ahead, give it a try.

*boom

Bottle an emotion,
or put it in a pill.
I’m trying to move forward,
but I’m only standing still.

Past becomes the present,
but my presence is in the past.
A nightmare that’s grown teeth,
to tear me apart at last.

What do you see in him,
that you didn’t see in me?
Why was I so horrible,
that you had to get free?

Now I need medication,
to fill the void that’s left,
but I cannot find the colors,
that left my soul bereft.

Am I really crazy?
I only ask cause I can’t tell.
Every day that I wake up,
is like waking up in hell.

Emotionally castrated,
full of wounds that never heal.
I wish I could be normal,
but I’ve lost the ability to feel.

It breaks my heart to think,
that there is no going back.
Because the past is now the present,
and the colors are all black.

So I guess that leaves the future,
and all I can do is hope.
Hope that my future past,
will allow for me to cope.

You’ve seen her every day,
and she’s quick with a smile.
Always laughing and happy,
and joyful all the while.

She fell in love young,
and married the perfect man.
She has two beautiful children,
and helps others when she can.

You’re envious and jealous,
of the perfect life she leads.
So beautiful and perfect,
and she always succeeds.

I bet you can’t imagine,
that she cries herself to sleep.
That sometimes she’s so unhappy,
that all she can do is weep.

I bet you wouldn’t guess,
that Mr. perfect likes to drink.
Or that he shoots up ******,
over the bathroom sink.

Would you be surprised,
if she lifted up her shirt,
and you could see the bruises,
and scars where he likes to hurt?

Would you be shocked,
if you knew those kids had seen,
the night he broke her nose,
and put a hole in the tv screen?

Would you be understanding,
if she came to you for help?
If she told you everything,
and you could see the welts.

Mr. and Mrs. perfect,
always happy as can be.
Next time take a closer look,
and I wonder what you’ll see.

I found a dancing spider,
so majestic on his feet.
I decided to adopt him,
and named the fella Pete.

Pete was quite amazing,
and he became my friend,
he’d dance for me, so gleefully,
until his tragic end.

He knew when I was worried,
or when I was feeling blue.
With a tip, and a tap, a shimmy and a rap,
he could always bring me through.

My dancing friend, met his end,
by pure accident you see.
I didn’t see him on the ground,
and perhaps he tried to flee.

Now my dancing spider,
is buried in the ground.
I feel so bad, and get so sad,
that Pete is not around.

No more dances, no more twirls,
to brighten up my day.
I hope he knows I’m sorry,
that things ended up this way.

But, although the story is sad,
and I promise that it’s true.
It has a happy ending,
and now I’ll tell it to you.

The other day, when I came home,
I was missing Pete so bad.
When I closed the door, and looked at the floor,
I saw something that made me glad.

A tiny dancing spider,
was twirling on the spot.
It would seem, Pete was a she,
I think I’ll name her Dot.

Is this real,
or is this fake?
Is this a dream,
where I cannot wake?

Am I doomed to eternity,
of repeating sin?
A purgatory of do-overs,
again and again.

Purge it once,
rinse and repeat.
Tie up the strings,
and make it neat.

Reality,
is not what it seems,
but which side’s the waking,
and which side’s the dream.

I guess it don’t matter,
if you can’t tell.
Cause neither side’s good,
they’re double sided hell.

I’ll keep moving,
and try not to see,
the fluctuations,
surrounding me.

So if this is real,
then I’m sorry Dear,
but I doubt it is,
cause nothing is clear.

Either way I’m doomed,
to an eternity,
of repeating days,
and insanity.

As I sit here by myself,
I try to write these words.
I try to force them into sense,
and make them not sound absurd.

I used to transfer pain,
through the tip of this pen.
Pouring out the poison,
so that I could think again.

I used to bask in the hollow,
that the transfer left behind.
Breathing in the silence,
of a defragmented mind.

Then one day I wrote something,
and set back to enjoy the peace,
but the transfer didn’t happen,
and the noise seemed to increase.

It was like instead of hitting transfer,
my mind hit copy instead.
It was there on the page,
but it was still in my head.

I began to panic,
with every poem I wrote.
The poison wouldn’t leave,
and it was coating my throat.

I began to notice teardrops,
and that my words were blurred.
I never even knew I was crying,
but my brain was slurred.

Whatever this is,
it’s taken hold of me.
It won’t allow me the pleasure,
of setting my thoughts free.

So I’m slowly filling up,
and tipping more each day.
One day I’ll crash over,
and this debt will be paid.

I think that’s the reason,
that I can’t force it out.
I have sins to atone for,
ones I can’t forget about.

7AM

My head’s filled with glass,
as the sunlight streams in.
My mouth’s like the desert,
as I groan “never again”.

I fight to sit up,
and my stomach protests.
I swallow back *****,
and it’s almost a success.

I sprint to the bathroom,
and flick on the light,
barely making the toilet,
as the tears blur my sight.

Now I stare in the mirror,
through bloodshot eyes,
splashing water on my face,
as I try not to cry.

Today will be different,
I promise myself.
No drinking today,
the bottle stays on the shelf.

12PM

The aspirin has helped,
along with the food.
Just one beer with lunch,
to lighten the mood.

Besides, says my brain,
you’re more normal this way.
It’ll help you relax,
so just have one, whatcha say?
                    
6PM

The beers took the edge off,
and now I’m more fun.
I’ll just take one shot,
just one, then I’m done.

12AM

The room won’t stop spinning,
and the bottle’s all gone.
My hand is bleeding,
what the hell’s going on?

I stumble off walls,
trying to stay on my feet.
I finally fall into bed,
now, rinse and repeat.

Whispering sadness,
is calling to me.
Dreams become nightmares,
and won’t cease to be.

It’s like I’m running dead out,
and then it’s a forty five degree wall.
Then no matter how fast I run,
I’m destined to fall.

I’m fleeing from something,
but I can’t get away.
It only keeps gaining,
with each passing day.

I know if I was to stop,
to simply catch my breath,
then it will be upon me,
and that would mean my death.

The weapons I had,
to keep this beast at bay,
have slowly been lost,
or have been stripped away.

That’s an apt description,
of depression I think.
Eventually the ground will turn soft,
and I’ll start to sink.

It’s just overwhelming,
this sadness i feel.
I try so hard to fight it,
but I don’t want a pill.

I guess the terror of death,
is nothing compared,
to losing who I am,
so that I won’t be scared.

So I apologize,
for not being alright.
Just remember I’m struggling,
with things I can’t fight.

I wake up every morning,
and I just ignore the sounds,
of the absent ******* echos,
of a mind that’s gone to ground.
The motions are insanity,
that repeat and verberate,
beating voices through my head,
like ragged nails across a slate.
It used to drive me crazy,
now it’s simply just routine,
watching ghosts around me,
as they move through my daily scene.
There you’re making coffee,
and a laugh just filled the hall,
there you’re singing softly,
hanging pictures on the wall.
Then my mind shifts left,
into what I think is true,
but maybe I should lose myself,
and try to interact with you.
I know that’d make me crazy,
but let’s face it I am there.
I’m ignoring what I see,
but perhaps that isn’t fair.
Reality’s a concept,
and I don’t care if it’s not real.
I’d rather love the ghost of you,
than live a life that I can’t feel.
So tomorrow when I see you,
maybe you’ll smile for me,
and we can finally be happy,
at the cost of my sanity.

Today was a bad day,
and tomorrow will be too.
Yesterday was tragic,
and I don’t know what to do.

Every time I try,
I slip further away,
and even though I’m standing,
I just want to lay down today.

Lay among the pebbles,
and simply forget everything.
Till I wither away to nothing,
and my body’s claimed by spring.

Actions have consequences,
so why shouldn’t mine as well?
Why shouldn’t I just give in,
and make my way to hell.

Everything I see,
is ruined by my touch,
till I’m left in the ashes,
and it simply is too much.

Too much hurt,
and too much pain,
causing both,
with so much shame.

I am always sorry,
in my head and in my heart.
Now my engine is broken,
and has simply blown apart.

What the **** has happened,
to the man I used to be?
Which voice do I listen to,
when it’s speaking to me.

I just want some peace,
and for all of this to go away.
So I guess I’ve given up,
and there’s nothing more to say.

I’m wearing a smile,
but the smile’s a lie.
I’m holding back tears,
but my eyes remain dry.

They say the way to the soul,
is seen through the eyes,
but if that is the truth,
then you can see my soul’s died.

I’m emotionally weak,
but too stubborn to break.
I scream at myself,
for being so ******* fake.

No one would know,
how broken I am.
Lying is my art form,
and self hatred’s my jam.

How can you love yourself,
when you hate who you are?
Hiding behind falseness,
like skin behind scars.

Maybe one day,
this disguise will explode.
Then you’ll see the real me,
and my world will implode.

Till then it’s my secret,
between me and myself.
So just look at my smile,
and ignore everything else.

Seven years ago,
that’s when the problems began.
I started self medicating,
with a Tennessee brand.

At the top I had it all,
married with two kids.
I was finally in six figures,
when the **** began to skid.

Love had grown cold,
and became an abyss.
A couple of drinks to ease the stress,
but I felt ice in every kiss.

It became a routine,
when you simply shut down.
The drinks helped me forget,
but they also helped me drown.

Then one day we were strangers,
who were sharing a life.
I didn’t recognize the woman,
who I had asked to be my wife.

Then came the eruption,
and the stones were cast.
The family tore apart,
and WE became past.

Fast forward a year,
and I’m being let go.
The company’s closing,
and I’ve nothing to show.

Then goes the house,
and the car that we owned.
Everything is stripped now,
and I’m down to the bone.

Self medication,
is what helps the pain.
You were cheating the whole time,
and now you’re with what’s his name.

Now the medication,
is what’s causing the pain.
I’m trying to stop,
but I’m stuck in this lane.

Self medication,
self destruction in disguise.
Hospital visits,
simply wanting to die.

Looking back now,
it was a nightmare it seems.
One I couldn’t wake from,
that still haunts my dreams.

I wasn’t an alcoholic,
I had a mental breakdown.
I used the alcohol,
so I could help myself drown.

It took a long time,
and I’m still healing slow.
But hell came to earth,
and I was part of the show.

So forgive yourself,
and try to move on.
Let go of that pain,
and realize that it’s gone.

If you’re trying to forget,
then you’re lying to yourself.
So do yourself a favor,
and put the bottle on the shelf.

I close the door,
but it swings right back.
The latch has been broken,
and shot full of cracks.

I try to fix it,
try to take it all back,
but then it opens on darkness,
and I’m consumed by the black.

I want to step through,
to see if it’s still the same,
because it beckons to me,
softly calling my name.

That’s when I slam it,
and try to hold the **** still,
as something tries to turn it,
and break through my will.

That’s when my fingers,
grow sweaty and numb,
and I can feel the pressure increasing,
and I start to succumb.

The **** starts to turn,
and I start to lose my grip,
and then I stop fighting,
and my fingers slip.

I step away,
as the latch softly clicks,
and the dark whisps escape,
growing feelers to lick.

Then I am lost,
and stepping through the door,
hoping that it won’t shut,
but not caring anymore.

I’m bathing in nothing,
and I feel the memories cut,
as somewhere off in the distance,
I hear a door slam shut.

Take my hand,
before I float away,
and don’t hesitate,
if you have something to say.

Please do not kick me,
I’m down far enough,
and if I fall any deeper,
then I might not get up.

You can see that I’m struggling,
to get out of this pit,
but the footholds are weak,
and covered in grit.

Every time I climb higher,
something breaks and I slip,
but can’t you see I’m still trying,
and haven’t gave up my grip?

Can’t you see that I’m bleeding?
That it hurts more than I say?
Can’t you see that I’m tired,
and grow more so each day?

You don’t have to save me,
or even take my hand,
just please don’t berate me,
for what you don’t understand.

You don’t have to scream,
at the monster I become.
Know I’m still inside,
and still there when he’s done.

I’m left with the wreckage,
and damage left behind.
The grief and the sorrow,
of losing ones mind.

I’ll continue to climb,
and one day I won’t fall.
Till then I just ask you,
please don’t make me feel small.

What has happened to me,
to my social skills?
Frantic, and panicked,
are not conditionally ideal.

I want you to like me,
I want you to see.
To see through my awkwardness,
and help set me free.

I do talk too much,
my mouth won’t shut up.
It’s like the relay in my brain,
is broken, or corrupt.

I’m not usually like this,
I hear my mouth say.
Constantly apologizing,
and then you’ve gone away.

I want to explain,
the jumbled mess of my head.
But I don’t know how to do it,
without making it worse instead.

No I’m not weird,
I’ve just been alone.
Social skills need exercise,
and mine are skin and bones.

When you walk away,
another part of me dies.
Part of me wants to explain,
and part of me wants to cry.

Im turning into two people,
the oddball and the norm.
When they try to coexist,
it creates the perfect storm.

So no, I don’t blame you,
for walking away.
Just know that I’m sorry,
for being this way.

Silent depression,
but who the hell cares?
Who fixes the fixer,
when his tools start to wear?

We all have our problems,
that we try to solve.
I tried to fix others,
and never let mine resolve.

I’m funny, and charming,
“he listens so well”,
No one could imagine,
my internal hell.

The drinking helped,
well it did at first.
My problems melted,
but what replaced it was thirst.

Thirst for escape,
that grew bigger inside.
But I started to crack,
and the cracks became wide.

Then the voice crawled up,
and made a permanent home.
The one that’s trying to **** me,
and keep me alone.

Each failure and loss,
“lets have a drink”.
And then having another,
after throwing up in the sink.

Constant agitation,
and fear for my life.
Listening to that voice,
tracing my veins with a knife.

I’m lost in a world,
that doesn’t feel real.
I’ve killed all the realness,
with each drink I spill.

So tell me your problems,
and I’ll pretend I’m ok.
And maybe one day I will be,
not now, but someday.

Someone call the Doctor,
because something’s amiss.
The darkness descended,
and there’s just the abyss.

Tell him, that maybe,
a paradox formed.
That up, is now right,
and that demons have swarmed.

Tell him, please tell him,
that we need the blue box.
We need his courage,
to turn back the clock.

I know the moment,
the exact time it went wrong,
but I can’t do it alone,
I’ve done that too long.

If we just had the Doctor,
we could set things to right.
We could change that moment,
and bring back the light.

I know he’s not coming,
and that he’s not real.
It’s just wishful writing,
to push back my fears.

A hero, a savior,
someone who knows all.
Someone who isn’t me,
that could stop the slow fall.

A blue box, a Doctor,
a moment in time.
A villain, so empty,
writing silly rhymes.

A paradox, truly,
that doesn’t make sense.
Can a villain turn hero,
if he shows recompense?

I guess we shall see,
but I won’t hold my breath.
I’ll wait for the Doctor,
or I’ll just wait for Death.

I thought,
that I've been hurt before,
but no one's ever,
left me quite this sore.

Your words cut deeper,
than a knife.
Now I need someone,
to breathe me back to life.

Got a feeling that I'm going under,
but I know that I'll make it out alive.
If I quit calling you my lover,
move on.

You watch me,
bleed until I can't breathe.
I'm shaking,
falling onto my knees,
and now that I'm without your kisses
I'll be needing stitches.

I'm tripping over myself,
arching, begging you to come help,
and now that I'm without your kisses,
I'll be needing stitches.

Just like a moth,
drawn to a flame.
Oh you lured me in,
I couldn't sense the pain.

Your bitter heart cold to the touch,
now I'm gonna reap what I sow.
I'm left seeing red on my own.

Got a feeling that I'm going under,
but I know that I'll make it out alive.
If I quit calling you my lover,
Move on.

You watch me,
bleed until I can't breathe.
I'm shaking,
falling onto my knees.

And now that I'm without your kisses
I'll be needing stitches.

I'm tripping over myself,
Aching,
begging you to come help.
And now that I'm without your kisses,
I'll be needing stitches.

Needle and the thread,
gotta get you out of my head,
needle and the thread,
ginna wind up dead.

Needle and the thread,
gotta get you out of my head,
needle and the thread,
gonna wind up dead.

Needle and the thread,
gotta get you out of my head,
needle and the thread,
gonna wind up dead.

Needle and the thread,
gotta get you out of my head, get you out of my head.

You watch me,
bleed until I can't breathe.
I'm shaking,
falling onto my knees (falling on my knees).

And now that,
I'm without your kisses,
I'll be needing stitches (and I'll be needing stitches)
I'm tripping over myself
Aching begging you to come help (begging baby please)
And now that I'm without your kisses
I'll be needing stitches
And now that I'm without your kisses
I'll be needing stitches
And now that I'm without your kisses
I'll be needing stitches

Looking back on these pages,
I can’t help but see,
this outlet I’m using,
is not helping me.

I used to use poetry,
to clear out my thoughts,
to “pour out the poison”,
when I was distraught.

Lately, however,
it’s changed in some way.
That feeling of peace,
has been replaced with dismay.

I would pour out a rhyme,
and the pain would recede,
but now the water grows deeper,
and I simply can’t breathe.

I look around lately,
and this feels like a dream.
It’s like nothing is real,
just “simulated reality”.

Going through the motions,
but there has to be more,
there has to be substance,
but where is the shore?

How do I stop from drowning,
when I’m creating the waves?
Fighting to stay afloat,
and trying to act brave.

I guess the simple answer is,
is it’s not simple at all.
I have to keep trying,
if I can’t walk then I’ll crawl.

**** all the whining,
the excuses too,
because I’m in this alone,
and I know what to do.

I won’t give up easy,
and if I should fail,
then at least I’ll know I tried,
to open my sail.

So here’s to the future,
and a heart I hope mends,
but even if it doesn’t,
we’re all just stories in the end.

Such a delicate matter,
“we don’t talk about that”.
So unwilling, a feeling,
let’s ignore all the facts.

Let’s ignore the signs,
because to speak would bring truth.
It’s an out of bounds subject,
that’s strictly uncouth.

A therapist, what for?
You’re gonna be fine.
What do you mean you’re depressed?
Just have a glass of wine.

What do you mean you texted?
Of course I didn’t leave you on read.
You’re being over dramatic,
of course you’re not better off dead.

Sorry, I’ve been busy,
ya I know you wanted to talk.
Is it important?
Cause I’m going for a walk.

Haven’t heard from you in awhile,
are you doing ok?
Hello?! Are you there?!
It’s been like three days!

Ok, you’re starting to scare me,
please answer your phone.
No one can get ahold of you,
Hello? Hello?!

I wanted to write this,
as a final farewell.
I had dreams of the impact,
as I walked into hell.

I had visions of you,
falling to your knees,
as you heard the news,
and I ceased to be.

I thought of all of the hurt,
and how unbearable it felt,
and how it just kept coming,
and feeling my sanity melt.

Sometimes I wake up,
from nightmares in tears,
and I know that they’re memories,
that I don’t allow to come clear.

Taking the gun,
off the shelf by my bed.
The weight of eternity,
filled with dead lead.

At the table with a knife,
tracing veins on my wrist,
fighting back the voice,
through a drunk ******* mist.

The countless bottles,
I poured into the pain,
Trying to find some relief,
and only finding more shame.

I wanted to hate you,
I wanted to make you pay.
So that maybe you’d know,
what it was like every day.

But now even that’s gone,
and I’m so tired now.
Now I just want to rest,
and cover my brow.

Now I don’t care if it hurts you,
or if you’d weep openly.
You’ve taken that too,
along with the rest of me.

Just please stop the hurt,
I can’t take it no more.
Erase what you can,
and please shut that door.

I just wanted to love you,
and make you my world.
Now my world is burning,
and my vision’s left swirled.

I wonder if you know,
that I used to watch you sleep.
Not in a weird way,
not being a creep.

Just watching,
your head on my chest.
Running my fingers through your hair,
and trying to match each breath.

Do you know that your lip,
does this cute, pouty thing?
Or that you’d sometimes giggle,
at what seemed like nothing.

It was always then,
that our future seemed clear.
No worries, or arguing,
simply no fear.

I think watching you sleep,
was when I loved you best.
Both of us smiling,
and two hearts at rest.

I’d give anything,
to hear that giggle again.
Or to feel your soft breath,
whisper on my skin.

****, messy,
exquisitely wet.
A soft moan escapes you,
as our lips met.
Slide my hand up your shirt,
to the small of your back.
Your muscles are tense,
the night is so black.
I pull you in close,
my other hand in your hair.
You grind hard against me,
moaning at what’s there.
This is wrong, and we know it,
so wrong, it’s taboo.
We can stop it right here,
but neither one of us do.
Now your hand is clutching,
and it’s like fire now.
We’re ripping, and tearing,
like animals on the prowl.
There are climaxes,
too many to count.
We’re gasping, and panting,
and both screaming out.
We’re using each other,
like we knew that we would.
It’s so ******* wrong,
but it’s so ******* good.
The guilt can come later,
as well as the shame.
But not while I’m inside you,
not while your screaming my name.

“We are divorced!!!”,
you sent through a text.
I just sat there and stared,
wondering what happens next

Who knew three exclamations,
could make you so sad,
and bring a wave of pain,
and feelings so bad.

To say I wish you the best,
sounds so ******* sappy,
but at least I can say,
I finally made you feel happy.

Congrats.

That time between evening and mourning,
it seems,
Is distantly focused,
like an unbalanced dream.

I love you,
I hate you,
Oh hell,
what to do?

My thoughts race,
my head hurts,
no need to worry,
just spasmatic touch thirsts.

Oh well,
A deep well,
at least the pain,
cannot swell.

Goodbye,
to no one,
a loving father,
and spoiled son.

What is loneliness?
Loneliness is a feeling,
a human emotion.

What is loneliness?
Loneliness is coming home,
and no one is there.

What is loneliness?
Loneliness is laying awake,
with no one beside you.

What is loneliness?
Loneliness is having no one,
no one to love.

What is loneliness?
Loneliness is a feeling,
a broken heart and soul.

I'm lonely...

I never knew,
it could hurt this much.
Feeling so lost,
and so out of touch.

I break the surface,
but get pulled back down.
My will to struggle,
fights my desire to drown.

Every day, it's tortured thoughts,
of memories we made.
Now I know, that they're all false,
and my sanity simply fades.

So now the question is the gun or pills,
the razor blade or rope?
Each day, the idea makes more sense,
as I'm slowly losing hope.

If I could just be thrown away,
what use could I be?
And if I see you with him,
I'll lose my sanity.

The dreams are the worst.
because they're still happy you see.
For just a moment, when I wake up,
you're still lying next to me.

Then the walls, come crashing down,
and the memories rush in.
I have to relive everything,
again, and again, and again.

Then it's once again the gun or pills,
the rope or razor blade,
as I traverse the life we built,
and the emptiness you made.

This could be purgatory,
or it really could be hell,
but if there is a difference,
then I simply cannot tell.

I just want the pain to end,
no matter what it takes,
because no one should have to live,
feeling they're a mistake.

I simply can't take it,
my heart hurts inside my chest.
I tried to be a good man,
but I failed to do my best.

So now it's just a choice,
I just have to choose the way.
I've finally found some happiness,
cause this pain will end today.

I'm Sorry

The weight of the world,
has settled at last.
The world shifted on,
as I fell to the past.

I open my eyes,
but they do not obey.
I taste copper in my throat,
and the sweet scent of decay.

I can hear splashing,
so faint it’s a dream.
I can also hear breathing,
and I just want to scream.

My arms will not listen,
when I tell them to lift,
and something is scraping,
with small groaning shifts.

The breathing is closer,
and the breath is so foul.
It’s trying to speak,
but its voice is a growl.

I’m trying to scream,
but my voice is a squeak.
Then my blood runs cold,
as it finally speaks.

“Payment”, it growls,
in a gravely tone.
And then I feel its touch,
and shiver to the bone.

The shape shifts away,
and the weight is now gone.
I open my eyes,
and am blinded by the dawn.

I blink at the figure,
hunched over the oars,
and stare out at the water,
looking for shore.

I want to ask the question,
but then I see his hands.
There’s no doubting the decay,
of the limbo ferryman.

Your heart is racing,
about to derail.
Your conciousness fading,
about to set sail.

Your eyes start to water,
as tears prepare to fall.
But you cannot allow it,
show no weakness at all.

Concentrate on your hands,
open the paper again.
Look through the words,
without taking them in.

Try not to break,
they're counting on you.
Shut out the pain,
it's all you can do.

The tears can come,
when your finally alone.
But not a second before,
now steady your tone.

Keep your voice natural,
so they know your ok.
The last thing they need,
is to worry bout you today.

Your knees may be weak,
and your stomach's in knots.
But give them a smile,
to steady their thoughts.

So think about anything,
other than what's tearing you apart.
They're counting on you,
so don't let the tears start.

You are their rock,
so never show them your sorrow.
Because they need your strength now,
and they'll need it tomorrow.

Lost and confused,
I walk all alone.
This dark empty place,
chills me to the bone.

It's to dark to see,
but I really don't care.
I can feel them around me,
as they sit and they stare.

The only sounds are my footsteps,
echoing off of the walls.
And my slow steady breathing,
which isn't helping at all.

My eyes are adjusting,
and I stand in disbelief.
I can see she's been busy,
robbing souls as a thief.

The puppets fill shelves,
and they clutter the walls.
With no dreams or passions,
and no lives at all.

I find what I came for,
on a shelf at the top.
Two small wooden figures,
I move towards them and stop.

I can feel her eyes,
burning holes in my back.
And I can't help but smile,
at the feelings I lack.

“You're not supposed to be here,
and I want you to leave”.
But I ignore all her words,
all her lies and deceits.

I grab the small puppets,
and slowly turn around.
She stands there and watches,
not making a sound.

You ruined my life,
and the life of my friend.
We do not belong here,
among fools with no end.

Her smile grows cold,
and her jaw starts to clinch.
Her eyes become fire,
as I move toward the bench.

I turn my back to her,
as the fumes burn my eyes.
And as she realizes what's happening,
she's starting to cry.

I turn back once more,
as the room starts to fade.
whispering "hell won't be big enough,
for the army you've made."

I stop at the door,
and light a small match.
I toss it behind me,
into the gasoline patch.

Sunlight hits my face,
and I still hear her screams.
Then I wake up in bed,
it was all just a dream.

I try to catch my breath,
as I roll to my side.
And I sit there and stare,
at two wooden eyes.

One looks just like you,
and the other like me.
My heart hits my stomach,
how could this be?

I turn on a light,
and I laugh as I stand.
Because they’re  both smiling,
and they're both holding hands...

Come take my hand,
and we’ll fly away.
To better times,
of yesterday.

We’ll search for places,
that are thin between.
We’ll find the tears,
and slip in unseen.

In between to nothing,
that exists there.
Where we can be alone,
without these cares.

Or we can travel through,
to the next world beyond.
Find the next in between,
and truly be gone.

We can find a place,
where we don’t exist.
Or we can choose to fall,
into the abyss.

Just be brave now,
and take my hand,
and let’s fly away,
to Neverland.

She sits all alone,
on a small wooden chair.
Lost and confused,
wishing someone would care.

So many homes,
in just the last year.
Her little heart breaks,
as her eyes fill with tears.

All that she wants,
is a place to call home.
With someone to love her,
and parents of her own.

She doesn't mean to act up,
but she just gets so scared.
By the looks and the stares,
from the children she's paired.

She doesn't have any friends,
and she's to young for school.
Just a scared little girl,
on a small wooden stool...

You’ll only have one,
just one, and that’s it.

                                                            ­                            No, I don’t want it,
                                                             ­                                 I’m done, I quit!

Of course you want it,
cmon, only one.
Besides, you’re much funnier,
and way more fun.

                                                           ­                        I know that’s not true,
                                                           ­                      and it’s killing us slow.
                                                           ­               I don’t want it, please stop,
                                                           ­                                 go away, just go!

Where would I go?
Let’s not talk nonsense.
Just one drink man,
you deserve it my friend.

                                                        ­                          How can you say that?
                                                           ­                            You’re a part of me.
                                                             ­            You know one turns to two,
                                                            ­                      and two turns to three.

Nah, not this time,
this time isn’t the same.
Just have one man,
cmon, for old times.








There ya go......
How about just one more?

I didn’t realize how bad I had gotten, how much the depression had truly taken over my life.  No matter how bad things get, the human mind can get used to anything and deem it as “normal” without a hint of irrationality.  Repetition, that is all that it takes to slip further and further away.  

Something happened yesterday though, that broke through everything and sent those misguided walls crashing down.

I laughed.

I laughed without thinking about it. I laughed without worrying that I was doing it too loud, or that I wasn’t putting the right hint of sincerity behind it.  I laughed because in that moment I was happy, and that most rational of human responses felt alien.

I laughed, and the laughter was heart warming but also heart breaking at the same time.

It felt nostalgic.  

Being happy and having a proper human response brought on memories when I used to do it every day, and the memories where so far removed they were.......nostalgic.

I guess you never really know how sick you have become until you start to get better.
I think I’ll try it again today.

Listening to the rain,
patter on the windshield.
So soothing, and sad,
my heart becomes chilled.

Memories of rain,
bring back memories of you.
Things I never forgot,
but it brings regret too.

Tip tip, tip tap,
remember that storm?
Tip tip, tip tap,
you were blessedly warm.

The windows open,
the rain pouring outside
You on top of me,
the lightning in your eyes.

That was our first time together,
hell, your first time at all.
Slowly grinding in time,
to each raindrops fall.

It was electric, and exciting,
and I knew I loved you then.
Your hand on my chest,
and that beautiful grin.

It’s no surprise really,
why I love the rain.
Because it holds that memory,
and absolutely no pain.

It was beautiful, and romantic,
and perfect in every way.
Almost thirteen years ago,
and the memory never fades.

So thank you, my dear,
for that gift that you gave.
Not just the gift of you,
but the memory of rain.