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Isabella Mar 2020
Mama, don't leave me.
I hate to be alone.
What if you leave me,
and never come home.

Papa, don't leave me.
I'm scared, and anxious too.
What if you leave me,
and I never get to say goodbye to you.

I must say farewell,
I must say I love you.
For I'm afraid I'll never tell,
When I'll ever lose you.

Please, don't leave me.
I hate the unknown.
Isabella Oct 2020
Today I learned
The sky isn't blue
It's red, yellow, orange
Green and purple too
It's just that we are
Too blind to recognize
The kaleidoscope of colors
Right before our eyes
Isabella Mar 2020
I hold you to my chest,
I hold you in my arms.
I'll keep you safe, my darling.
I'll keep you safe from harm.

Look into my eyes,
I'll make your worry disappear.
Stroke your tear-stained cheeks,
I'll wipe away your fear.

I love you, my darling.
I'll protect you with my life.
I promise, my darling.
I will never let you die.
Isabella Mar 2020
Three words have never meant so much.
Three words I cannot say.
Three words have made me cold to the touch,
Three words I'll never say.
Isabella Mar 2020
The gears in my mind that used to wind and turn so fast, are slowing. The ideas that never become words, die off. The tick-tick-ticking of pestering thoughts give up. And urge me to give up as well.
Why can't I process this train of endless emotions that long to
become stories? There once was a place in my mind that filled and
toppled over with wonderful ideas. But that place is now empty,
full of cobwebs and dust. Lost, buried deep inside me.
  How can I find it again? That place I'd go when the world shut me
  out and I just needed to express how I felt.
   I miss the days I'd feel lonely, and escape to the world of wonder
   I'd get lost in. The words, the powerful language... And I'd create
   something spectacular.
    But that gift was taken from me, ripped from my heart leaving an
    empty feeling in my chest.
     My power of writing unique ideas is gone.
      How do I get it back? Can I?
      I'm too weak. I can't search for those ideas. I'll never find them
      again.
      I let those brilliant thoughts slip from my grasp. They drifted
      away, soon to wither to dust.
     I am incapable of writing. Incapable of thinking. Incapable of
     loving what I write.
     So I may be unable to find those old words, but I can create new
     ones. It'll take effort, it'll take time. It'll take practice.
    But I am willing, to get my thoughts whirling again. To take an
    emotion, put it into words, and form those words into something
    beautiful. I'll sort my language for only the best, the most poetic.
   My feelings in the writing will swirl up from the pages and enter
   your mind and make you think, Wow... Who wrote this?
  But I am incapable of such a gift... I always have been.
So I'll drown in the dread I've made for myself. I'll swallow the
water of hopelessness as I sink deeper and deeper and deeper... I'm
incapable.
But at least I could make a poem out of it.
Isabella Oct 2020
I wanna shut people out til I'm all alone
And cry to my music til my head explodes
I wanna break down while nobody knows
Lock myself in my closet as my heart implodes
Isabella Sep 2020
Heart in my stomach swells with dread
Numbing at the words you said
The cold truth pounding in my head
The truth that you like her instead
oh the pain, when feelings aren’t reciprocated...
Isabella Mar 2020
I hear my heartbeat pounding against my ribs.
Bang, Bang, a drumming sound.
I feel my breaths shaking with every word.
Quiver, Quiver, a hopeless bound.

Invisible, yet so aware.
Even though no one cares.
Even though no one stares.

Invisible, yet so afraid.
Even if my thoughts are made.
Even if I stand in the shade.

Stuck in the shadows.
Stuck, all alone.
Shouting, but silence
Is all that echoes.

Screaming until my lungs wither away.
Crying, but no one can hear what I say.
The sun is daunting, it scares me into the dark.
I try to run, but my footsteps don't make a mark.

Invisible, weights pulling me down.
Invisible, weights holding me to the ground.
Invisible, feet stuck to the floor.
Invisible... I could have been so much more.
Isabella Nov 2020
I promise to you
My soul is at peace
My mind is at ease

I promise
My hands are steady
My heart is ready

I promise
I can finally be brave
I’m willing to be saved

I promise
I love myself
Before loving anyone else

I promise
To you
I am passionate
And true
I am confident
Through and through

I promise
To me
I am brilliant
Full of dreams
I feel radiant
And free

I promise
These heavy words
With a tone
So very sure
With intent
So very pure
But with a pain
That can’t be cured

I simply don’t matter
My last hope has shattered
Can’t death come along faster
I simply can’t last here

Yet I promise to you
That I’ll be alright
As my eyes fill with tears
I say I’ll make it through the night
But behind my back
Barely out of sight
I take my *******
And cross them tight
Isabella Mar 2020
Just a lone girl, wandering the woods.
All she has is a book and her quill.
She can write, but doesn't know if she should.
And you'll just have to see if she will.
Isabella Mar 2020
Is this how I die?
Walking mindlessly, with fury pulsing in my veins, clouding every instinct, every flicker of logic or reason.
Only the sounds of my footsteps, the cracking of sticks beneath my feet.
Voices from every direction, and when I try to follow them, they go away.
I try to walk in a single direction, but every side of me looks the same—grass, trees, mountains, sky.
And somehow I've walked in a perfect circle, even more lost than before.
Getting deeper and deeper into the unknown, thinking only of the reason that brought me out here in the first place.
And soon, the reason has escaped my mind altogether.
And I am left feeling empty, confused, raw.
My heart pounding in my chest as I look around, completely lost and alone.
All because I let my horrible emotions take the reigns, walking me right into a trap.
A trap at my own hands, all my fault.
Tell me again, is this how I die?
Isabella Mar 2020
They well up in my eyes.
I blink them away.
Because it doesn't count as crying,
If the tears don't hit the page.

I'm sad and I'm a wreck.
But hey, it's okay.
Because it doesn't count as sadness,
If no one sees my pain.
Isabella Apr 2020
I thought you were cruel
But now you seem broken
I thought you were a fool
But now you seem kind
Isabella Jan 2022
Marks on my skin hold your bruises that ache when I stroke them, they ache of your hands which once touched me, your lips which once kissed me, the feeling I still remember yet have tried to forget. Your words and now empty promises echo in my mind, empty now but ever so full that night.
Isabella Nov 2020
Acknowledging jealousy
Only validates insecurity
But why pretend
To be content
Isabella Nov 2020
Just know that my heart wants what it wants
Just know from the start I want what I want
Just know that so far I get what I want
Just know that your heart won’t slip from my arms

I know that your eyes they cry and they cry
I know that you hide beneath a disguise
I know what’s inside your baby blue eyes
I know you’ll be alright and you’ll always be mine
Isabella Aug 2020
They told me to pick up the knife
That with it I’d be able to break the chains keeping me to the ground
And cut the rope holding my throat to the ceiling
So I wrapped my fingers around the cold metal
Only to feel a sharp sting as hot fire poured from my palm onto the concrete floor
But I didn’t let go
Even though I had grabbed hold
Ever so tightly
Of the wrong end
scars heal until i cut myself again
Isabella Aug 2020
They told me to pick up the knife
That with it I’d be able to cut the rope holding my throat to the ceiling
And break the chains keeping me to the ground
So I wrapped my fingers around the cold metal
Adrenaline as hot as fire pulsing in my veins
I didn’t let go
And I didn’t free myself
Instead I brought the silver blade to my heart
Carving the words I wanted to be engrained in me forever
scars heal until i cut myself again
Isabella Mar 2020
You said you'd stay. You said you would.
You said you'd always stay by me if you could.

You said you loved me. You said you cared.
You said you'd hold me close when I got scared.

You said you were leaving. You said you'd come back.
You said I didn't need to help you pack.

You said goodbye. You said see you soon.
You said look up, that you'd be on the moon.

You said whenever I needed you near,
You said "Look at the sky, and my whispers you'll hear"

You said to watch the sunset, and wait for the night.
You said you'd be beyond the stars, just look at the light.

You promised so many things, when I was young.
But you're dead. You never said...
Now with liars, I'm done.
Lie
Isabella Jun 2020
Lie
If I lie to myself,
Perhaps everyone else will believe it
Too
It’s not really a poem, but it’s how I feel...
Isabella May 2022
Lines on the corners of my mouth
From how much you made me smile today
Will they fade?

Lines at the edges of my lips
Will you kiss them one day?
Or will they fade?

Lines on the corners of my mouth
I trace my fingers over them in the mirror
I want them to stay

Lines at the edges of my lips
Lines like valleys, my tears like the rain
I want you to stay

Lines on the corners of my mouth
From how much we laughed today
I have you, you're right here
And you have me, I'm yours

But the lines at the edges of my lips
They fade, like you always do
And I'll wait, like I always do

My eyes wait for the morning
To see you
So I can smile, so I can laugh

But my heart waits for the impossible
For you to love me
For you to miss me
For you to miss the lines on the corners of your mouth
Like I miss mine
Isabella Mar 2020
Little girl, no strength in her heart.
Little girl, so weak she's falling apart.

Quiet girl, no words on her tongue.
Quiet girl, speaks to no one.

Lonely girl, a flicker of a candle.
Lonely girl, she can't even handle.

Invisible girl, a ghost in the dark.
Invisible girl, not even a spark.

Useless girl, breathing, wasting air.
Useless girl, no one will ever care.

Little girl, incapable of what?
Little girl, you call me, but,
I have words and I have love.
From your names, I'll rise above.

I can think, I can create.
And hopelessness is not my fate.

A little girl is not all I am.
I won't die blindly like a lamb.
I'll die in paper I'll never share.
All because you didn't care...
Isabella Mar 2020
You're beautiful, I'll tell you.
Because no one else will.
You're wonderful, I'll tell you.
You're too precious to ****.

You've got a life to live,
The whole world to see.
So I'll do a favor,
I will set you free.
For anyone who needs to hear this today.🖤
Isabella Jun 2023
Every lull of life,
I find myself alone
in the quiet moments
When rain patters on the window,
streaming down the patterned glass
pounding on the roof above
Im now so very small
The in-betweens of nothingness
there’s no one else but me
I learn to be my own best friend,
lonely in good company
Myself was once my enemy
but how hurtful that became
I used to loath the quiet moments,
when my thoughts had space to speak
Now I learn to listen
I might have something good to say to me
Isabella Oct 2020
Saying the same words
Louder
Won't make me listen
Isabella Mar 2020
When I love, I love hard.
For years and years.
Full of false hope,
And full of tears.
I get attached,
Maybe obsessed.
I lose my mind,
I get distressed.
And I doubt,
You feel the same.
I don't even know,
If you remember my name.
Since we've met, seven.
Since we've spoke, two.
I'm so sorry my love
Happens to be you.
Isabella Oct 2021
To love someone is to give them your all, I think. But most everyone doesn't see it like that, their love isn't real love.
How can you give someone else every piece of you without chipping yourself away?
How can you place boundaries in something as limitless as love?
How can you hold yourself back when you have so much more to give?
My love is real love. It is pure and it is everything to me but means nothing to anyone else.
My love is unhealthy, they tell me.
Too much, not enough.
I take it too far, they tell me.
Too big a heart, not small enough.
They tell me to love myself first before I give my love to someone else because it is special and deserves to be taken care of.
But a love so special, so all-consuming, deserves to go to the person who means the most to me, why would I waste it on myself?
I tear myself apart to rebuild the ones I love, and they would never do the same for me. Because their love is not real love.
a poem representing my unhealthy idea of love
Isabella Feb 2023
is a concept
that I've been trying to constrain
into rigid lines
trying to explain
and define
like trying to collect water with your hands
it falls right through the cracks
or like trying to redirect
a forest fire

I wanted love to be
B L A C K and W H I T E
I wanted to make it make sense
like trying to make concrete
from a substance that would never set

"LOVE" I've dissected the word all my life
turning it over and over in my mind
it was a feeling I could hold, that would never fill my heart
it was a blanket I could fold, that would never wrap me in its warmth

"LOVE"
      the yearning itself
          ate me up
              from the inside out

I wanted someone
I wanted anyone
But when I met you I wanted it to be you
Isabella Mar 2020
If we loved each other,
Pushing differences aside,
We'd accept each other,
So people wouldn't hide.

All our colors would stand out,
Instead of just blend in.
Our world would be beautiful,
Instead of "Full of Sin"

Respect our neighbors,
Hold their heart.
And keep it from,
Falling apart.

Love and peace,
Let go of greed.
Love and peace,
Is all we need.
Isabella Mar 2020
A sweater I put on, worn and worn.
To keep me safe, to keep me warm.
The outside soft, the inside thorns.
Tempting is, my love forlorn.

The sweater stays, ripped and torn.
For lost labors that I mourn.
A love has died, a love is born.
Hopeless is, my love forlorn.

To be so close, yet all so far.
I cannot reach, yet here you are.
I cannot leap, the jump's too hard.
Forlorn love tears us apart...

Disdainful tears, that mark my cheeks.
My helpless world, is far too bleak.
Without my strength I seem so meek.
Forlorn love makes me feel weak.

A sweater I put on, worn and worn.
To keep me safe, to keep me warm.
Love is pain, and love is scorn.
Wretched is, my love forlorn.
Isabella Mar 2020
Mama, mama, see me here?
See my talents, see me clear?
See me talking, see me near?
See my eyes that fill with tears?

Mama, mama, hear your name?
Hear my words, the ones I don't say?
Hear my cries, the ones that I tame?
Hear my footsteps as I walk away?

Mama, mama, feel my pain?
Feel my stare, as I'm dying in vain?
Feel my disappointment, my wrong blame?
Feel my heart as it withers away?

Mama, mama, you're not here...
You're distracted, can't see clear.
You're oblivious to my selfish fear—
That you'll forget me, and leave me here...
Isabella Oct 2020
Well-spoken, well-written
Talented, gifted
Driven and willing
Broken but healing
Confident, capable
Ambitious and able
Beautiful, striking
Uniquely enticing
Mind full of brilliance
Strong and resilient
Kind and persistent
Bright and ebullient
Selfless, joyful
Trusting and loyal

A masterpiece the world adores
For she is everything I'm not and more
Isabella Aug 2020
It’s strange
That even surrounded by the
Laughs and smiles of everyone you love
You can still feel terribly
Sad
And numb
For no apparent reason
i love when one word can summarize all i feel, and all i am
Isabella Nov 2020
I suppose humans are rather complicated
Blurs of unkept promises
Broken dreams
Shattered motivation

Mistake upon mistake upon mistake
Turmoil
Distress
Insanity

How to cope in a world where nobody validates raw emotions
Or perhaps it’s only me who feels this way

I suppose life is rather complicated
Simply practice for the permanent emptiness of death
Isabella Jun 2023
Memories I’ve rejected
Leave holes nothing else could fill
Laughter echoing
While I shut myself away
Preferring to be alone
Little moments slip from my grasp
I used to cling as they fell from my hands
Now I let the water run
I watch the train go by
without chasing
I still feel left behind, I think I always will
But I don’t want to climb a mountain
or jump in a raging river
I don’t want to go numb for the thrill
Yet there’s still a strange numbness
from being alone.
Sinking in the silence,
I can let it consume me
Silence is more comforting lately
than the memories I’ve rejected
Isabella Oct 2020
How can I possibly expect someone to love me when I can’t even tolerate myself.
How can I hope to be somebody, anybody, when I’m nothing but a blink amidst the infinite abyss of existence.
Even on my own planet my life won’t be much to remember.
An enemy to myself, a stranger to the world.
Isn’t it unnerving to realize that if I slipped away, the planet wouldn’t know any different.
The ground wouldn’t miss my steps and the sky wouldn’t grieve my gaze and the atmosphere wouldn’t mourn my breaths.
Just another body that doesn’t stay, only fades and eventually decays.
This is why legacy is so important, I suppose.
The only way a soul can truly live on.
Even if earth would go on just the same, even if history wouldn’t notice me gone.
Isabella Mar 2020
Tears are streaming down my face.
I can't live here now, not in this place...
My heart is throbbing, chest is aching.
I'm sobbing and my body's shaking...

I can't take back the words I said,
They're ricocheting in my head...
Getting louder as I weep,
How can my mistakes cut so deep...

I'm sorry, I promise, I truly am.
I'm not a monster, I'll change, I can...
And, if not, I'll disappear.
At least that's better than being here...

Is there a monster inside of me?
For, when I look in the mirror that's all I see...
Forgive me, please, let me prove I'm kind.
Trust me, oh please, don't leave me behind...
Isabella Aug 2020
I could chew the skin off of my thumb,
Or force my teeth to bite my tongue.
I could eat my lip til it goes numb,
Or press the air out of my lungs.

I could scratch my arms until they bleed,
Or dig my nails into my cheeks.
I could swallow copper I don’t need,
Or hold my throat til I can’t speak.

I could break my bones to set me free,
Or feel my crimson tingly seethe.
I could rub my eyes til I can’t see,
Or exhale deep so I can’t breathe.

The violence fills my mouth with cherries,
Ever sweeter than before.
A taste unlike all the other berries,
And I salivate for more.
You may have to read this a few times to understand what I mean, however I encourage you to interpret it your own way.
Isabella Feb 2021
An evening full of bliss
Dreams and infatuation blooming
Laughter and confidence radiating
Such an evening only results in a morning full of sorrow
As you mourn the loss of feeling alive
A feeling which only sparks but once every season
:/
Isabella Apr 2020
"Call me Mother" I told her, the first time I took her home.
She was quiet and I could tell she didn't want to be alone.
Then we approached the front door, where I led her inside.
She waited for a moment, then ran off to hide.
"Hide and seek, oh alright.
But after this, it's nighty-night."
I looked around the house for her,
Until I heard a little stir.
I found the child behind a curtain.
"I knew I'd find you. I was certain."
I grabbed her wrist and down the hall
We walked to her room, I stood tall.
She stayed silent, I think afraid.
But we got to her room: Tidy, bed made.
Others sat upon their beds.
"Go to sleep." they would nod their heads.
Then they slipped under the covers,
And all at once said "Goodnight Mother."
The girl still stood next to me, the youngest one.
I loosened my grip and to her bed she did run.
She slipped into the blanket, closing her eyes.
But I waited there. The others weren't surprised.
"You need to say it." I pulled off her covers.
She opened her eyes, the others shuddered.
"Come on now." I smiled, though it took her a while.
"Fine. Goodnight. But you're not my Mother."
Isabella Mar 2020
I get unpacked
And settle in
But only to
Move back again
Isabella Mar 2020
Happy birthday, my dear.
I'd give you the world if I could.
I'd place it in your little hands, the world small and grand,
But you'd drop it, I know you would.

I wish you a happy birthday, my dear.
I'd hold you in my arms if I could.
I'd hug you tight, tell you everything's alright,
But lying to a child is no good.
Isabella Apr 2023
Blue when my life was one color
when the lines were blurred
Blue was the comfort, the sky, and the ocean
Vast and inviting, inspiring
Blue was every possibility on clear days with no clouds
Blue when my dreams were one color

Purple was more unique than I'd ever be
but it swallowed me up for years
Purple for the friends I made and the friends I lost
for the memories and the summer nights
Purple was every season, I thought it would be my forever
Shaped my growing up
Through every twist and turn
Purple was as safe as it was depressing
A childhood wound turned into a toxicity I couldn't abandon

Yellow was who I always hated but always tried to become
And when it came up like the sun
It was golden hour and then it was gone
Yellow was smiles and laughs and a spark back into my life
After the darkness, after the heartache, after the war
Yellow introduced me into a world with a purpose
I had never seen it like this
Crashing just as it began

Green when I can finally see
when I breathe for the very first time
when the walls of ignorance crumble around me
Green when I can escape in my mind
to a forest with evergreens and moss crawling up the trunks
Green when I learned to look myself in my own eyes
when I didn't see a monster anymore
when I could watch the tears settle like fog in a field
Green was the hug I was waiting for
the relief that I can trust my two hands to carry my own life
Isabella Mar 2020
My flower grows, my flower grows.
Up and up, it rose and rose.
To the sun and through the trees.
Past the grass and past the seas.
Up and up, it grew so high.
Finally my flower reached the sky.
Isabella Mar 2020
My heart is empty, fleeting
But at least it's slowly beating
It is broken, lonely, ending
But it's on its way to mending
Isabella Mar 2020
I'm the lock, you're my key.
And you fit perfectly.
I'm in a cage, can't you see.
And you can set me free.
Isabella Jun 2020
My hand trembles with the weight of the quill pressed between my fingers,
Each stroke an ever so remarkable miracle.
For my strength falls weak as I strive to write even more.
Though the ink has long since dried up, and all I am left with are scratches on a blank page.
Perhaps the fault does not lie within the weary pen itself,
But instead with the unstable hand that holds it.
I'm sure it's easy to dip my quill back into the ink, to watch the words flow beautifully again. But I'm afraid such motivation is not as simple as it sounds.
Isabella Mar 2020
Out my window I see a sky
Blue, with no clouds and a sun shining bright
Out my window I see a tree
Green, with leaves that sway with the breeze
Out my window I see mountains high
Grey, and snow topped with birds flying by
Out my window I see the whole world
And I feel, for a moment, like a small little girl
As I stare out my window, this is what I see: the entire world staring back at me.
Isabella Apr 2020
No scream escaping your forcing grip.
No cry slipping through your tight lips.
No fear reaching from your fingertips.
No sadness seeping out of any tears or rips.

Not a single tear streaming down your face.
Simple perfection, poised with grace.
Let good emotions falsely replace.
Stay flawless, dressed in silk and lace.

All feelings bottled up inside.
All feeling trapped, and forced to hide.
All feelings unable to leak a small cry.
All feelings stuck. Happiness a lie.
No use to try.

Put on a smile, leave it there.
Don't take it off, don't you dare.
Nobody needs to really care.
It's your fault. It's only fair.

Keep quiet. Don't let them see.
Keep quiet. Let the truth be.
Keep quiet. Listen to me.
Your true feelings will never be free.
Isabella Apr 2020
There was a little dream last night, that I had.

About guns, and ******, and everything bad.

It was scary and painful and so very sad.

A shame I woke up to a world no more glad.
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