in the world
is thinking about me
right this moment.
I am solely
by myself
with my thoughts.
I'm bored
with everything
I'm clinging on
day by day.
Waiting for something
unknown
uncertain.

for the dilation
I search
for the expansion
For I wish
that when you look at me
your pupils
show me more
then what you have said.
Have I already
shown that to you?

Will there be that moment
silence
but meaning
in your eyes.
Will your body
give yourself away?
Or am I
Hopelessly waiting

are pushed.
Voices
ignored.
Tones
raised.
Feelings
on the floor.

in time,
we're vulnerable.
sitting and waiting
days pass
as we don't sit in class.
everyone around us
Fragile as glass.
Families hurt
Jobs on pause
While the news plays
more pain
everyday.
Lives gone
so fast
At the snap of a finger.
The world froze
as we search for hope.

i am.
like an old porcelain doll
cracked.
i don't want to be dropped
I'll shatter,
pieces all over the floor.
on a shelf i sit
next to others sitting pretty
in dresses and makeup
looking like people they aren't.
i am quiet but honest
because i need protecting.
i know where i've been recently
i've been covered in dust
sitting alone
in a room with no one to hold me.
pushing myself off the shelf,
allowing the cracks to move
across my
body.

october 30th,
finally after over a year
you were coming home.
no phone call
this sunday,
just an email
from last thursday.
"not coming home this week
i'll explain later
i'll be here for my 18th".
two years in a row
that's so unfair
I wanted to fly
to see you
for your birthday
but you will still be there.
locked away,
im so sorry
i miss you
i love you

out of place
out in space
my mind wonders
looking for something safe.
to hold onto
and cherish,
but I tend to stumble
and perish.
when fallen down
I'm filled with sound,
constant and booming
loud and looming.
once redirected
my head feels connected,
to the body I know
and my wisdom
I call home.

I have been
down and confused.
feeling things
I used to
be used to.
it had become
a normal
but now,
it's new again.
feelings of guilt
for missing memories,
because the past
can't come back.
I don't miss the people
I miss the places
I miss the laughs
I miss the late nights
I miss the stupidity
the vulnerability.

the days I feel
my brain is blocked,
I take a step back
go for a walk.
no phone needed
through the neighborhood.
searching for peace
a quiet state of mind,
finding ways
to leave it behind.

time flies by
with the blink
of an eye.
so when
do we truly
start living?

it's crazy to think
some people's lives just started
some people's lives just ended
all over the world.
a celebration of life has begun
a mourning of death has begun.
no matter your age
no matter what stage of life,
everyone's still learning.
experiencing
healing
growing
making mistakes
maturing.
sure some have it easier than others
sure some have it harder than others
but in the end,
we have the chance to live
to live as in to be present.
we are here on this earth
while others aren't
recognize your opportunity
to be.

6:15am, early start
full with lots of love in my heart,
a cup of coffee with a swirl of whipped cream
a book about compassion and generosity.
step out on the balcony
brisk beautiful air
messy tangled hair,
sun beaming
skin gleaming
peace and quiet.
birds waking up to make their music
where's my bookmark, try not to lose it.
sitting and sipping
take in the new day
new start
new beginning.

I love you still
as time is killed,
the three words remain
I wish I could tell you over and over.
but it doesn't work anymore
this "healing time" feels like a chore
here I am feeling emotions galore.
junior year please end
you have caused me hell,
I'm going through it can't you tell?
I have hope for the future
I know this will pass,
I want you gone and far away
but another part of me only wants you to stay.
to stay and never leave
never leave my arms.
My arms hold my heart tight
my heart is broken,
broken and devastated

you tell me things
I don't need to know,
sure yeah I'm over him
but I don't care about
knowing him anymore.
I've finally let go
I moved on
finally.
I know you guys are like family,
but him and I aren't.
after so long he's out
of my head.
Please don't bring him back,
my energy won't
be taken by him
anymore.
I made peace with our goodbye,
but that doesn't mean
I've fully healed

words in my mind
won't fall off my tongue
wondering what there is to become.
once ago I let myself go,
fast I fell through time
my heart floated and fluttered,
soared and forgot what land was about.
so high in the sky
cuz he was all mine,
once ago I let myself ago.
love and loss
I felt so distraught,
my world crashed down
so far as almost never to be found,
and in an instance I was so distant.
I've grown and changed
rejected and accepted,
regretted then reconnected
with myself.
never wanting to love again
I wouldn't let myself go again,
leaving me terrified to fall that deep
it was as if I had lost my feet,
the ground had never been so steep.
but here you came and I fell
never believing a person like you existed,
I resisted from letting myself go.
but here I AM telling myself not to say no
and instead give it ago,
because we aren't just dumb luck.
I'm sorry if I'm timid
please just bear with me,
I'm trying my best
to give you my everything.

knew it wasn't healthy
scrolling through old texts.
you snuck time to text me
you weren't doing what you should be,
" Je t'aime a la folle",  I love you madly.
morning by morning
my screen lit up
every morning waiting for you,
my heart flutters like its all brand new.
ur consistent clues
it's like you just knew
how much I had fallen for you.

you read me like a book
understood how I felt with every look,
we stood so strong
strong for so long,
not even recognizing our insane compatibility
it was easy, to just be.
you made me feel proud
loving me for me
genuine, compassionate
can't you just be here next to me?

my phone misses your calls
I want to be the person you confide in when you fall
but you don't,
you don't want to reveal yourself at all.
standing on your own
please know you're not alone.

june 7th was the start
the day you began to steal my heart,
you pulled me away and off we went
to a place that's left such a huge dent

I want to hate you
I want to be mad
cuz now I'm here all fragile and sad
you said you never want to break my heart,
but here I am falling apart.
My hearts still lively
still lovely and free
but **** that
cuz **** you hurt me.

You went away and day by day,
I sat at home writing back to you.
All the letters that you sent through
I held on even though I missed you,
but now that you're home
I'm left here alone.

All you did was love and care
which makes this feel so unfair,
you treated me better than I could ever imagine
and it's hard to pretend like that never happened.

I'm trying to let go
trying to take it slow
bu the boy I know
feels like a stranger and I don't know where to go.
You made me feel safe
you taught me trust
even our friendship is starting to rust.

Every time I lie in bed
please get out of my head
let me sleep,
let me sleep in peace.

Three weeks ago
I didn't know you existed
now you're all I think about,
sitting here in my favorite spot
thinking about the feelings I've caught
realizing what would have happened,
if we never gave this a shot.
We'd continue our lives
moving on day by day
never even having conversations starting with "hey".
But that's how it all starts right?
with one single "hey",
maybe even a "how was your day?".
simple words
easy questions
the beginning to a whole new life lesson,
because living is about the things you experience,
the people you meet
and the words they speak.