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Zane Smith Jul 6
with keeping myself together.
i'm trying to work on all the pieces.
i have nothing left.
i have the smallest will to live, even though
i know there is so much to do and see,
people to meet and places to go.
i just don't want to keep feeling how i feel.
i wish i was excited to wake up every morning.
like how i used to be when things felt good.
like when a new day felt like a new start.
not now
all it feel like is endless days.
the weeks repeat themselves.
the thoughts and feelings crawl back,
and i crumble at their touch.
i feel so dead
but so alive because i have so much going on.
i feel dead because i keep telling myself,
i will get through this exhausting time.
we're all struggling. i know.
but *******
it really hurts all the time
just to be
here.
11/1/2020 10:05PM
Zane Smith Jul 6
how to tell my parents
how much I've been hurting
I don't want them to feel responsible for my brain
being ill
i don't want to scare them
i don't want them to worry about me
i don't want them to be upset with me for not
talking to them about why i'm always crying
i don't know how to explain to them what i feel
because if i tell anyone fully what goes on in my
brain i will actually be all alone, even though it
already feels like i am.
10/18/2020 10:08PM
Zane Smith Feb 19
he's moving on
He found someone new
super new in fact
but they were good enough
for him to say
"im sorry :(".
but you weren't looking for anything serious?
Not my information to know
Not my life to live
Not my *** to have anymore.
A bit confusing considering you wanted me
a few weeks ago.
That's alright, it's okay.
I loved the time we shared while it lasted

for now I'm a little confused and saddened by the
loss of our anyways temporary days together.
but grateful for how you treated me
how you shared with me and listened to me
how you held me and looked at me
how you wanted to see me and how you made
time for me
How we made it work and how we connected so
fast
how I met ur friends and you paid for my overnight tickets
how you held my hand in public and acted like i
was yours for the moment
how you asked for my opinion and cared about my
needs while you were with me
but that's settled
I have my closure
I'll move on

I knew exactly how it would end as soon as I met you,
so strangely
giving me peace
6/13/21
Zane Smith Feb 17
Lost my keys
Couldn't find my phone
Work dread
Mood swings
Overlapping thoughts
Very unstable
Uncertainty
Intrusive thoughts

Scared of future
Freeze on past
Angry in present
Want to change everything about me
Move away
Start over
Annoyed with myself
Cold to sweating frequently

Dissociation
Wanna be loved
Needs hugs
New beginnings
Pets bring comfort
Listening to my breath
Quiet is helpful
Empty house is peaceful

I need patience
I need someone to take time with me
I need someone to listen to me

You didn't seem mentally ill yesterday
Yesterday you were so happy
4/14/21
Zane Smith Feb 17
i'd fill it to the brim
with things i love.
It would scream
HEY! THIS IS ME
I'd have plants on the windowsills
a desk for my art and studies.
I'd have my pink cart
Full of journals, washi tape, watercolor paint,
acrylic paint, pens, paint pens, brushes, canvases,
colored pencils, stamps earring crafts, tape,
stickers, snacks and drinks.
Just like now but in my own space
Ambient lighting, candles and crystals
All I could ever want.
What would soothe my soul
2/21/21
Zane Smith Feb 17
how much i don't want to be here right now
because i have such a love for life.
but i don't want to skip ahead.
I don't want to skip the chapters
I want to read the whole book.
The downs are the lessons during the ups, the healing,
during the growth, during the glow.
i will despise the now, but it's all i have.
Regardless of where I am and who I want to be,
you can't go back or to the future.
I can't have my future that I long for without the now.
2/10/21
Zane Smith Feb 17
But I don't like it
It's uncomfortable
But so comfortable.
I'm angry
I'm sad
I'm excited
I'm worried.
But it all feels the same
it's all on the same level.
I think my brain
Is used to the constant commotion
12/21/20
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