I feel loved
When a handshake
Somehow turned into a hug

I feel loved
When we talk over
Coffee and massages

I feel loved
When we put our warm hands
On each other’s arms and backs

I feel loved
When this nightmare looms,
But we have found a place to say
“Welcome home”.

We sat on the stairs and watched it all,
Our own personal illegal space.
Slow, mellow strums, our hearts beat
Silently, curbing words we’ll never say.

Our cameras stared and captured it all,
The stage from the same ledge, same lens,
You left first because I couldn't speak your tense.

you and i are just like mirrors of each other,
or like two parallel lines that run together that never intersect.

we are both lights. we are too bright.
that is why we are not made for each other.

we are made for the darkness.
we are chained to pain and heaven has clipped our wings.

now it is your turn to be wrapped in shadows,
and all i can do is hold your hand,
saying all the things you wished to hear,
cautiously calling out your name,
hoping that you can hear me from the depths of your abyss…

I'm retracing the steps you once took,
The remnant of sepia shadows that was once here,
To understand what this art really means to you.

In front of me, a random grass patch where you once lay
Now lies abandoned for puppies to roll and tourists to pose
I am sitting here seven years too late,
Born too late to meet him, who now sleeps in the soil,
But not too late to breathe the same air as you.

So let’s dance and create our own footprints,
I promise I'll immortalize our shadows,
Engrave your words in my heart,
Etch your name like these memorials on the stone.

Now that I'm here, I promise you that
Nothing shall be erased by the wind,
Nobody will say that “it is forgotten”.

All magic disappears
When the truth settles in
I dreamt of something fleeting
But forgot it shattered a long time ago.

I can see it in your gray eyes that we are not the same,
You have heavier steps, darker shadows, a sadder smile,
While I am benched on the sidelines, a few years too late,
And a billion lightyears away.

These white lights shine too bright for my

poor dead eyes, and the man’s ramblings, he

held my eardrums hostage. Then came a sudden squall, she

engulfed me in one heck of a waterfall.


Faint moonlight peeked at the end of a musty, darkly lit stairwell we

saw each other and laughed at our equally drenched clothes, our

wet hair. As sewer rats, we scurried to rescue potted plants, we

whipped *****, thuds on white walls, with sticks and knives and all. We

rolled on the floor and nearly got concussions, sprained ankles. I

remembered how to fall again, to do it all in one fell swoop.


I know my body was mine, but now it is also yours, so we

danced, barefoot, twirled in our arms, caught each other, ate our

mother’s mooncakes while the storm rages on somewhere, outside. We

smiled, mouths full with black sesame, white lotus, egg yolks, our

laughter echoing under this gentle white light, upon this warm wood.

This conversation spins nothing, but this means everything to me.


We walk under the damp, stale, starless sky, remnants of the squall. You

suddenly proclaimed that all stars have gathered for me,

and it is my stage, my game now, so I

went home smiling despite it all. You

don’t know that this mid-autumn night was all I ever dreamed of.

Ugly, ugly, ugly, feelings that were once yours but now mine

you have a life bigger than mine, and it used to be the opposite

like how you used to want to own me, now i want you for myself.

I wonder what you will feel if I tell you my true, ugly thoughts now.

This is madness, years of staying by each other’s sides,

It is time we part. I must accept you have a different life now.

Ugly, ugly, ugly thoughts and feelings that made me write this prose,

Disappear, disappear, disappear. This is

Ugly, ugly, ugly.

you take granted

of my existence a bit too much

in your rose-tinted eyes that

always look for the easy way out,

i am far too less, because i am always there,

like the air you breathe, never rare,

the rock that never changes, never bares.

you know i hate that part of you, i really do.

at the end of the tunnel my heart trembles,
overwhelmed by waves of telephone rings,
unexecuted promises, ecstasy of a newfound soul
but the threat of a fragile thread, i try to
breathe but the air goes nowhere, and then i
look, mama, the henna on my hand is fading away
i sigh at the inevitability of things, all of this reality
does not feel like reality, we are all in the last stretch
of our escape, i see the light at the end of the dark
ness, but why does it feel like i’m simply standing
still waiting to be kept in another cage. darling,
darling, my henna is wearing thin. i want out,
i want freedom, i want love, i want this anxiety
to fade away like the lovely patterns quickly wearing
thin, thin, thin, to match the colour of my skin.

our surf together is done, we ride different waves now,
you said you split your time in pockets
while i slice my potatoes into tiny, little dice,
so maybe we’re not too different after all.

(i’m glad i said what i wanted to say for a while now,
and i want to let you know that i really meant when i said,
i’m really gonna miss you.)

And it is now the end,
never again will our cursors
intertwine and roam across
the screen. It will be left
unchanged, last seen a long,
long time ago.

Our repository will be forever
archived, belonging to someone
else, in the hands of a stranger,
never again will i see your quickdraw
pull requests, never again will our
branches merge and conflict.

i know, the last commit it’ll see
will forever be the last fix i made.

Go ahead and praise your ear-****** demons then,
While I lay to rest under the waters with my sirens
Drowning out all the noise you made in my life.

Monday night my head spins
Reality and fiction sunken in
Sugar rush tires me but keeps me
Awake, I whirl in everlasting anxiety
I am panicking, how much time do we have
Left, something’s not
Right, my brain is shutting
Down, deeper into knots of
Self-doubt as if someone enabled
Occlusion culling, why can’t I see?
What’s in store for me? I can’t?
See what? Is in front of me?

We dance in an enclosed white box,

You led me to the center stage, then

Held my hand and guided me in a waltz.

You said something,

but I could not catch it.

Your eyes locked to mine

but I see past it.

All I felt amidst the all-too familiar floor

And our fragile, reluctant punches,

Was the pain on my feet, worsening

As you whirled and I twirled.

Between your laughs and chatters

Is complete silence, a forlorn face.

How I can make you smile somehow?

There are others who do the magic trick,

But if they sing like songbirds, then I'm a stone.

Why does my voice lie buried within my throat?

saturday noon, we sit on solitary metal plates,
i see tomorrow’s windows through your wise old eyes
overlooking grey skies, the monotonicity of life,
“everyone wakes up, works, and sleeps at the same time..."

your voice trails off as the train taking our rest arrives.

I recall when we’re all smiles,

Paper flow’rs and hot-pink dyes,

Virgils in the pitch black night,

Scrape and file till screws sit tight,

The toxic whiff of burnt plastic.

you fly too close to the fire, my dear

while i

can only watch and sink helplessly into the sea.

you started singing one of my favourite songs

and i know it is yours too,

then you talked excitedly of your adventures,

i wish i was there too.

maybe one day i’ll make snowmen with you,

but more than that,

i wonder why i didn’t sing along too.

sirens blare and shutters close,
we sit calmly in our humble abode
until we smell the smell I’ve smelled
a thousand times and going strong.
we joke and skip idly around the stairs
in a fashionably orderly manner,
like in an empty amusement park.

“the fire smells good”, says someone,
and i nearly choke at the absurdity,
but i have to agree, it smells like
nostalgia, the plumes of charred plastic
filaments, remnants of 3d printers
bringing me back to better days.

as the chaos rolls along in the background,
we order truffle pasta from the vending machine,
giggle at the firemen who lost their way
and watch the sorry-excuse of a smoke
trailing away into the blindingly blue sky
as the exhausted sirens blare once again.

Shall I compare thee to a sunny day?
Our slow, bright morning starts blurring at nine,
Back to those dew-polished grass where we lay,
Your gentle fingers intertwine with mine
But hold on, what do they feel like again?
Were they soft, dry, or calloused, I forgot,
They overrode themselves with muscle pain
And the romance runs thinner than I thought:
I stare at space knowing I can’t be yours,
While you take over the physical me,
The only sense I felt was that of floors,
Blurring the edges of its boundary…

‘Tis too hard, no love weighs more than I recall,
Perhaps I wasn’t meant to write sonnets after all.

We are slowly sinking into slumber,
Into life's dark depths...
Is this what they fear?

Hush now,
Feel the waves hug us,
Let them
Pull us down, slowly, gently...

Under curtains of lights
Where memories die,
See the sea's corals
Merge into one colour...

So,
Did anyone tell you
How beautiful death looks
From down here?

Under the calm blue seas,
Untouched by storms,
Where the currents gently flow,
Drowned out by water walls,
Watch as all worries fall
Like stones-

Shhh...

Shut them out as they call
Our names.

We are slowly sinking into slumber,
Into life's dark depths...
Is this what they fear?

Oh, pity them.
Wish they were here.

But hush now,
Feel as the waves hug us,
Let them
Pull us down, slowly, gently...

Under curtains of lights
Where memories die,
As our back touch the seabed,
See the sea's corals
Merge into one colour...

So,
Did anyone tell you
How beautiful death looks
From down here?

How could I trust you
When all you said was not true?

How could I believe in you
When your actions speak otherwise?

How could I love you
When you don’t treasure what you ever said?

How could I?

I could still see you
In my dreams
As you beckon me
To take a step
Closer.

I can't, I say,
It's all just a dream.
Your smile fades away,
Black cuts clean.

I wake up confused,
Breathing hard,
Needles piercing my chest.

I miss you.
I miss you
So much.

No more aces up my sleeve

I've ran out magic tricks to play with you

I'm tired.

So watch me disappear

No smoke and mirrors here

Coloured splatters on the frosty panes
Claps of thunder calling out my name
Quiet drifts on the rainy lanes
Muted by the rain that came

Waterfalls on the clear-cleansed window
The honks and lights: Red, green and yellow
Paint the raindrops and cast a shadow
An empty shell, a heart so hollow

Can’t they leave me here in the rain?
Just go away and board the train.
Why do they look at me as if I’m insane?
Can't they understand?

Leave, leave,​ leave me.​

Time’s fabric rips and shreds with you here.
I block my ears, let me get away from here!

History needs time to wind and unwind
But the clock accelerates, ticks amplify–
Dissonance of chronology’s concussion
And the beckoning of the space station

NASA, take me to the ISS—
I’ll major in astrophysics—
Just get me away from earth—
Take me to a field of solitude.

Trust me, I'm not insomniac.
Sleep is gold, but only a layman's dream
The night is the only time I can flee, be free,
Alive.
I can do what I love, not what you want me to.
Can't you just let me
Breathe?

What do you wish? What do you want?
I'm not your genie in a bottle,
I'm tired of playing as your Barbie doll,
I'm telling you– I need space, a place to
Breathe.

Just who are my tears and sweat for?
Who will gain the best at the very end?
A bright future? For whom? For me or...
For you?
Not me, it's not me.
You're choking me, constricting me.
Why don't you let me
Breathe?

October, gradually going to November.
If liquor can erase
my entire hard drive,
then so be it.
But just of you.
Just of…

Just of… who?

October

October. Your birthday.
I was the first to wish you.
You kept it hush– don’t tell anyone,
you said. I obeyed. Like a dog.
When you pat my hair I bared,
but you’re tearing my heart inside.
I’m scared.

October. Smiles and cameras.
If my friends didn’t push me then,
I’ll have no proof you exist.
Will that be better? But I’m happy.
I’m always happy.

October. Studies, studies, studies.
I was drowned in studies. And food.
I thought I forgot about you for good.
Yet amidst equations, you’re there.
How can I ever fare?

October. Memes, dreams…
Dreams. At night, alone, I do feel
a bit lonely. Empty…
Nah. I got my gutsy guitar.
We jammed till daylight.

October thirty-first. Ooh, spooky–
hold my gin, I’m gonna burst–
listened to good ol’ rock as
I drank whiskey on rock, coke– I
had fun of course– without you.
Without you–

October, ending in an hour.
A friend and I in the bus,
We laughed.
My mate returned.
The bed is no longer bare.

October, November. If liquor
can erase my entire hard drive,
then so be it.
But just of you.
Just of…

Just of… who?

That day you left puzzles unsolved,
No one to tell me where to go.
Still wondering
What they really mean
Riddles with no solutions
Mysteries you kept, forever a cold case,
Questions which have no answer.

She may not be the most graceful:
I watched her trip over nothing
And knock over something
Almost everyday.

She may not be the smartest:
I watched her stuDYING, failing math,
And stringing wrong words
Almost every hour.

She may not be the prettiest:
Her hair is a mop, her locks fall
Like willows over her face
Almost every second.

But she is the best
Amongst the rest,
Her smile, her jokes, her zest,
My one and only jest.

I'm not sure if it's the gin
Or your slow, drunken kisses,
But I sure **** know
I'm gonna sleep well tonight.

I could still taste the whiskey
In my mouth, ***-rimmed,
The tang of coke, light gin,
Better than mint,
As my eyes turned three,
Balance broke, but
My mind stayed intact,
So I took my calculator,
Solved calculus in front of you,
Pi r square h, volume of the drink--
Look, Chandrasekhar, Volkoff--
My words are slurred yet clearer
Than ***** neat, more fluent
Than *** slipping in like silk
Into my throat, the blooming
Sweet heat lingers, my
Feet numb, as I walked,
Arm slung over your shoulder,
Laughed, fear clear, stir sears,
I'm not sorry, I'm free, in glee
With you, while the mild aftertaste
Remains, dissipates late, my mate,
Our best most happiest date...

Oh boy.
I may just forget much.
But I won't forget
That you still owe me twenty point four seven five dollars.

I sat on the floor, burdened and heavy
With expectations all wrapped around me
The future should be bright to me
But now darkness is all that I see

Hundred miles of country road,
Wind blew gently and it snowed,
Icy mountains here we stay,
Whisper softly all the day,

Playing pebbles at the noon,
Tracing patterns on the moon,
Forming shadows from the ray,
Singing loudly if we may,

Rhythm echoed down the lane,
Ripples dripping down the stain,
Starry skies we count array,
Dozing off to sleep away

Inside my heart, inside of me,
There is a place longing for poetry.

Standing in the middle of the crossroad
As cars whizzed by,
I thought, wasn’t it so easy to die?
There’s a ton of ways to try,

But none of them were on my mind–
At least I hope they’re somewhere I can’t find.

But not gonna lie,
To tell you honestly,
If I were to die,
I’ll do so nobly.

I think of you, but not you of me,
For I am shackled, and you are free.
Now the words are clear, but I’ll never tell
For I am pigeon-livered and lack gall.
The recursive words stay in my head–
They leave me not and make me mad–
I am now the jester in time’s flow,
Put on a show so you won’t know
How the words are free,
And good to go,
Yet woe is me,
My mind’s not free.

I sat awake on the back seat
Stared at the window, harnessed heat
As the lamp-lit city whizzed by,
The untouched dusk still in the sky.

Closed my eyes as it gently swayed,
Then listened to the silence fade,
Speed cushions, the quiet highways,
The sleepy tires, its steady phase.

I missed the constant compliance,
Radio waves' static silence,
The roads rolled on, no fuss or rush,
An empty mind, all my thoughts hushed.

They were asleep, no sound of day,
And on the car's back seat I stay,
As urban cat eyes shine, blink fast,
A few more hours to home at last.

This is the last time our hands will touch
As I teach you to fold papers, clutch,
Patiently pull smooth hems, take it slow–
You say you’ll miss me. Oh, if only you know
How much I feel, how much I yearn,
For everything you are, but sadly, my turn
Has ended.

Can’t we stay for a bit more?
A second– a moment– is all I ask for.
But our time is up.
In absolute silence, stillness, my pain,
We fold the last lotus.

But it is too late to think of anything else.
Right now, folding lotuses beside you,
Let me enjoy your warmth, your voice,
Etch the contours of your face to my memory.
Let me love you eternally.
Before time takes us away, I pray,
I hope I will see you again someday.

I hated emotions, yet I shared them.
I valued privacy, yet I let you into my space.
I forced smiles, yet I made you laugh.
I yearned for time, yet I sacrificed hours.
I never trusted others, yet I gave you a chance
To prove yourself.
And now you broke it.
The end.

This is my first
And last time noticing
How firm your body is.
Your back a slab of stone,
All hot flesh and bones,
With arms welded from steel.
Yet your heart is ice, winter,
And I know I am not there,
In the hearth,
When I pulled you into
Our last hug.

At night, under the dim darkness,
I found, the world’s best tranquilness
Under wafts of water and soap
Folding clothes, dreaming about hope.

Opened the door, felt how snug, warm,
The fabric’s touch was on my arm
As I folded each piece with care
And slowly roll socks, pair by pair.

Ballads, dolce, I am entranced.
Cantabile, as my hands danced
To the guitar's riff, the drumbeat,
Sweet heartbeat, beneath their heat.

Under the orange sunset
Our arms wrapped around pillows
Have you ever felt that
Comfort below weeping willows?

We are here, far from home,
So let me listen to your stories
From outside this sweltering dome.
Let me listen to your worries.

Don't you dare say sorry,
Don't say you're fine,
Don't be scared, don't hurry,
Your secrets are mine.

Here it is only us and the furniture,
Glowing with the golden sun.
For now, just forget the future
And focus on the now, the fun

from a long, long time ago,
In a faraway place perchance,
Remember how winds used to blow
Free. Your family, friends, romance...

Tell me more, till you are sore,
I am here, one with the air,
Listening as your teas pour
And comfort you, show that I care

for you…
Now there is no fear.
Just your sweet tea and tears
enslaved in the atmosphere...

You talk and talk, on and on...
Recursion. Infinite loop.
But what about me?
Would you do the same for my bitter, black tea?