my therapist
could never explain to me
why I would sleep walk into abandoned buildings
only to wake up
still feeling at home

I feel connected with humpity-dumpity,
"why would you say such a thing?"

I giggle and banter,
but in reality, I am humpity-dumpity;

i am broken
and cannot be *fixed

when i looked into those marvellous, brown eyes
i didn't see that shade of glittering brown;
i saw millions of tiny galaxies
and maybe that's why i adored you so much,
i saw the universe in your eyes

our relationship is a rollercoaster i never want to get off of.
the rollercoaster escalates, our love blooms;
in the same movement, the rollercoaster dips
we fall, we crumble, we scream.
suddenly, it surges upwards
we hold hands, we laugh;
we drop,
the tunnel is dark.
i reach for your hand, but no one is there.
so i sit here in the shadows, waiting for the next jolt
on the rollercoaster ride i never want to get off of.

i'm so in love with you
and i don't know how to make this into poetry
but just know that i love you
and i've tried over,
and over,
and over,
to write this;
but my eyes are filled with puddles that became waterfalls flowing down my face,
my fingers have blisters from grasping a pencil all day;
my hands are cramped from throwing out scrap, after scrap, after scrap of paper,
my nails are tinted with blood from smashing them against the keyboard.
i cannot find the words to turn my heartbreak into poetry,
but just know that i love you,
and i don't know when i'll stop.

**** you
for taking the only part of me i can't get back
i was so in love with you
i thought you loved me, too
it's been a year
these memories won't fade
when will you no longer impact
*me

i'm not the diamond in every ring
i am not the splash in every raindrop
i am not the caffeine in your coffee

i am not the sugar in your taffy
i am not the stars in your night sky
i am no longer the sparkle behind your chocolate-coloured eyes

but i am the pain in your ensemble of distressing words
and unfortunately, i am no longer yours

i used to romanticize
blue eyes,
grey eyes,
green eyes,
and even hazel eyes;

but i never knew what it was like
to be touched in a way that made my heart skip beats,
or to feel ecstatic at the mention of a name;
i never knew what it was like
to make love with someone by only holding hands,
or how intertwined hands could send shivers to your core.
i never knew what it was like
to stare so deeply into dark, chocolate-coloured eyes,
and notice how they shimmer of gold while spontaneously shining like millions of tiny galaxies from a world i saw inside them.

i used to romanticize
blue eyes,
grey eyes,
green eyes,
and even hazel eyes;
i never romanticized brown eyes,
until i fell in love with you.

i want
to fix your broken
heart

i want
to touch your
soul

i want
to love (all of)
you

the gentle kiss on the lips
the smell of hunger in your breath
the taste of hennessy on your tongue
my fingers tangled in your hair

.  .  .

your lips lingered against my neck
the time stood still;
i glanced into those gleaming, beautiful, chocolate brown eyes

.  .  .

i always wonder,
what if?

I will always remember the time
you took my hand;
you took me to various places,
to beautiful pieces of land

I will never forget the time
you let go of my hand,
and I felt the world shatter inside of me
for a while I didn't understand

I will always remember
the time we spent during that fair-weather,
and slowly, but surely
I will piece myself back together

I will never forget
how you were like a fortune teller;
always a bellwether,
showing me that I will eventually have to untether

I will always remember* you, my friend
for am I still only a pinfeather
and you have helped me develop for the better

my father once said,
"no one will ever love you
the way you love them"
. . .
i never understood what he meant,
until your eyes stopped sparkling

the words you left me with
left me feeling drunk
i couldn't grasp the concept of you leaving me
in my incoherent dreams
i got drunk over, and over again
just to hear the message you left;
*"i love you"

Everything surrounding you was red
The clothing we threw on the floor when making love
The sheets on your bed
The marks on my neck
The kisses on your cheek
The love we shared
The exhaustion surrounding the room
The anger leaving our tired vocal cords
The emotional beats we gave each other
The screaming
The yelling

The only thing that wasn't red when you left was me
I was blue.

with every waking moment, the world around me intensifies
it feels like drowning
but drowning with every breath i take
every gasp of air, every moment i inhale
the lungs inside me collapse
"help!" my body screams
but only a small whimper
escapes my lips

the world around me spins,
it's always so blurry;

but you, you're always crystal clear

i always write and rewrite,
and then i read and reread
about all the sadness and heartache that consumes my soul.
for once i want to read about someone else being broken
someone else besides me

my heart will go on
and my love will spread to others,
soon you'll be like a whisper in the wind;
but the others will never compare to *you

O,
to stop breathing --
what a wonderful feeling that would be

i didn't know upon meeting you that you would make my heart skip beats;
i wish you didn't.

The very first time I remember you, we're playing tag in the schoolyard,
and you're chasing me through the fields, and I love you.
The next time I remember you, I’ve fallen in the fields
I search for you through teary eyes, but only see that you don’t love me back.
I've stopped trying to find a universe where you help me up from my fall,
because the end result always stays the same. In every version, my heart still calls your name.
Our love is always tumultuous, and you always ask for forgiveness. You attribute it to my kindness, but I reserve my sentiments as wistfulness.
I flick through our multiverse of madness like a child’s storybook,
trying to find where it went wrong and if there is a universe where it could be repaired.
In alternate realities, I watch as you’ve declared your love for someone else. Each time I rewind is like a dagger through my chest.
Ah, but I don’t blame you; I’ll never burn as brilliantly as you. I’d chase you across ten, twenty-five, a hundred lifetimes until I find the one where you’ll return to me.