and you called me that name
just a few hours before
and wished me
Merry Christmas
but I'm not sure if she knew

you show her off
like you never did me
but it's the wine
making my blood hot
and my stomach turn

if you appeared tomorrow
I'd kiss you
and hate myself
for asking you
to stay

the heat in the pit of my stomach
is so familiar,
tears run down my cheeks
when I try to suppress it

I never used to dream
when sleeping next to you
but the gasp escaping my lips
and your hand on my arm
shakes me out of a fantasy
where we are perfectly aligned

The sweat on my chest
becomes evident
as rhythmic sounds echo from your tongue
that I cannot understand
until they rattle behind my teeth
making a sleepy song of desire

We could not have been closer
unless we molded together
into a mess of aggressively ignored love
and animalistic monotony
that I'll ice with fear,
aftertaste like regret

it isn't until the rain
hits the hardwood floor
that I remember
how rain used to be ours

I remember the mist
in the sky and our eyes
when I wore this same shirt
and we broke all the rules

I remember the puddles
that first night together
and the rain on the roof
as I tried not to sleep

I remember the reflection
of rain clouds and sunshine
when we whispered like snow
the earliest we ever awoke

the lightning flashes
and I pray you will so quickly
arrive at my door

my friends never liked you,
said you were the reason
I was desperately trying to shrink

I could so easily blame them
for the way I grew,
every bite a stab to the throat

those days were spent
muffling your words
before being silenced by my friends

these days I scream for them
and hear only the echos
of my shameless desperation

your voice is the only one
that calls back
in a confidence I don't recognize

they won't know
when we hide away
for a few days next week

the contoured faces will scrunch
after my wine-soaked lips
sink my not-relationship

I'll honestly apologize
for trying to call them
before running his way

I found my light
in not doing what's expected of me,
but in doing what's best
for a 7 year old
who lost his baby sister
and his train of thought
when counting to 20
because iPads download games in seconds
but it feels like years he's watching an ad
depicting guns and blood and dying and
every time he points a finger at a friend
the law tells me
I have to call his mom
who has no response to
"I just didn't feel like doing math today,"
but musters up every ounce of energy
she doesn't have
to expel one weak statement-
"We must do what is expected of us."

They tell me that restraint
is 3 seconds or more
of student resistance
and teacher persistence
but while my hand never touches him
my words wrap around his legs
telling them to stop pacing
and they cover his mouth
telling it to stop singing
and when he cries in the hallway
at 9:52, screaming,
"I hate this school,"
I cannot explain to him
how lucky he is
to be surrounded by adults
who fake a high tolerance
for his constant fidgeting
so instead we sit in silence
until his anger runs out
and my heart rate slows
and we are ready to try again.
Later, he hugs me.
I do not pull away.
This is not restraint.

I've been avoiding writing
like your eyes on Saturday night,
because how do I tell you
that I'll miss you when you're gone
and admit to myself
that it might not be a big deal?

I am not scared
that my heart will stop beating
but that yours will seek
the warmth of someone else.

I cannot say this is what I want
even though I am certain
this is what you need.

This is not heartbreak.

No,
this is something different
and I'm not quite sure what it's called.

That was the summer our electric bill went up
because as soon as the sun went down
I would light up mirrors
that I stared down for hours
in hopes that I would lose

My self esteem
with every inch I lost
from my arms, legs, fingers, chest,
but if I could just take a few more
from my waist then I would be

Mentally unstable and out of control
as I stay in line with 1,200 calorie days
and sit-ups before bed
because a coworker offered me a cookie
and I couldn't say

No one should have to feel like they're dying
in order to feel beautiful
but how can you fly
when your wings are too heavy
to get off the

Ground level is where I am right now
but at this point I'm used
to taking the stairs
so the top doesn't look
too far away anymore

For the first time
I smell jealousy on your lips
instead of alcohol-induced love
(although I think that's in there too)

You tell me your sister
thought I was trying too hard
in my favorite dress
(which I bought for $15)

We do not touch
but we laugh
for longer than expected
(over something so painfully small)

My heart pounds
and the world stops spinning
as I wonder if I'm in love
(quickly I suppress the thought)

there is a stress ball
in my stomach
that feels pressure
from the vibrations of your phone
and the thoughts in my head
screaming
she doesn't need you
she doesn't want you
you are useless to her
disposable space
kept only to **** time

I could make myself sick
(the way I used to)
with the thought of you
choosing someone else
over me

best friends?
best at ignoring the tension
best at telling exaggerated stories
best at constant comparison

I'm already counting down
the days until the birthday
I'll most likely celebrate
without you
because shiny and new
almost always wins

they think you're the one
who needs her heart medicated
when mine starts to race
as soon as I open my eyes

sometimes I wonder
why people wait for others
why we put our lives
on hold for someone else
when our body is the one
we drag to bed each night
and wake up in every morning

and then I remember
how it feels to look at you
and how my heart pounds
when you kiss my head as we sleep
and I wonder
why we must live
as just one body
when we could live as two

we are each an empty ice tray
sitting in the freezer
side by side
an image of disappointment and laziness
addressed with an eye roll and a slight growl

when we are full
we are frozen solid, dry
not something one would be interested in holding

we are playing a game
to see who can stay solid,
the first to melt if necessary

for now, we are pieces of white plastic
serving absolutely no purpose

My friends in high school
Used to laugh when I told them
I always slept with my phone on,
Just in Case

Four months into my first real job
I try to stop my head from spinning
By silencing my friends
In different time zones on a Monday night

I wake up from a dream
Where I see you for the first time in weeks
To missed calls and messages
"I need help. I am in trouble."

My stomach becomes your rope bracelet
That got stuck in my lace shirt
The first time I slept over
Only this time, I am trying to fix it alone

You answer me before the sun
Lights up my living room
Not laughing at my overreaction
As we both know your alarms are often warranted

I do not try to turn your pain
Into something beautiful
But rather my fears
Into something concrete

That night I brush my teeth,
Gums bleeding,
Eyelids falling,
Phone volume on Max

It's been about a year since I felt like this
My stomach trying to expel all the hurt
my brain is creating on its own

I should trust the words you tell me
on a standard Sunday
outside where you used to live

In that same spot I cried
over a girl whose face I never saw
but whose name still makes me cringe

You say her name now for the first time out loud
to prove to me you are not repeating history
yet I am not so sure

I do my best to laugh at the ulcer
I am forming
in the face of a little heartbreak

Instead I replay every moment
from the weekend before
that might make you flee

A vicious cycle of self-hatred
I cannot escape
no matter how tightly you hold me

He asked me to please not break your heart
and now he's tortured it
leaving you bruised and broken

I can fix it for a short time
with the warmth of my skin
and hearty advice that I cannot see
once it leaves my lips
and divides into four ears
that could benefit from listening

He asked me to please not break your heart
so I will not ask you to stay
when my own beating ***** is ready to explode

You are crushing me once more,
Weighing down on me so I cannot move.

Is it that I cannot? No, I can.
I am afraid to shift under you,
But what's the worst you could do?

**** me-
It would be less painful than the torture
You are currently inflicting.

I hope the next time
you feel beaten and broken
you remember the night
everything fell apart
and you could do nothing
to stop it
and you called me
afraid
in hopes I might fix it

Please don't lock yourself
inside your messy cave
and pull the blinds
to avoid the bright sun
as you sleep in past noon
something I've never known
you to do

Reach out and touch me
like that night we stood outside
in the misting rain, freezing
and exchanging puffs of air
filled with honest compliments
and your warm arms wrapped around me
as the sun started to rise

I'm not sure I can stop you
from running away
this time around
because my words will not speak over
the wounds being inflicted
by your careless friends

I would kiss the cuts
if you let me
but for now
all I can do is wait

They don't tell you
there will be days
when you won't feel enough
to muster up
even a few short thoughts
to turn into poetry

I've been at war for a long time now
with the girl inside of me

She's smart and witty
and skinny and beautiful
and compassionate and kind
and trapped in the depths
of my empty stomach
and super-glued heart
as if I accidentally stuck her
to one of the pieces
chipped away
by a boy who couldn't see her

Her outer shell is hard
and average-looking
with chunks of fat
in all the wrong places
and it repels sadness
and emits an uncaring aura
that no one wants to touch

That shell is bulletproof
in all places except for one
but this inner angel
is not quite skinny
or clever enough
to escape through the jagged edges
and paint her shell
with her favorite color

Maybe she's been locked inside
her black stone well
for so long
that she no longer
has the will
to try

Third time's the charm
and you've only ripped my heart out
twice

Let me drink the poison
one more time

The first time I was quenching my thirst
with salt water
in hopes the wounds
would heal
and then I swallowed the sea
because my sailor
would not look at me

The next time
I closed my eyes
at the sight of the waves coming
so I cannot blame you
for pulling me under

I will stay afloat this time
unless your anchor has grown
and you still find a way
to drown me
in the tears I created

I won't know until I try

I wish my heart
was more willing to lead
because my brain has a voice
that projects like my own
and I am trying my hardest
to drown it out
with love songs

I am the sun
that your petals turn towards
when it is warm enough
for you to blossom

I am the rain
that you soak up and crave
in times of positivity droughts
and purposeful dehydration

I am afraid
to deny you what you need
in fear that I will be the cause
of your untimely death

I am reminded
that one must be without water
to appreciate the rain
and experience days of darkness
to fall in love with the sun

For this reason,
I do not move under the moonlight
when you require daybreak
even though my body
so desperately wants to burn

As the morning mist sprayed against my face
my mind splashed through puddles of memories
from a time when we came as an unfastened pair

The depths of my eyes saw darkness,
playing backwards the night you kissed me
in an effort to peacefully disturb my soft sleep on your hard sofa

Your arms squeezed me closer when I shivered
from the coldness of the air and your heart
but my soul started to melt, nonetheless

I stared at you in anger and betrayal
as you smiled at a virtual girl
whose name still twists my stomach into knots

The sunset surrounded us when we walked
in a way that felt like nothing could go wrong
because the air was crisp, and your voice was clear

You rolled your eyes at my decision to dress for rain
but kept moving forward
in an attempt to tell me that you wished you cared more

I didn't tell you why I was upset that night
until six months later when the weight of your body
suddenly seemed too much to bear

Even after you move,
your muscles still turn
the steering wheeling
to your old house
and you tell your brain
that the movements are wrong
but still you do it,
in case you drive back
to what used to be
and find
that it is still yours

I fight with my hands
so they do not begin
to trace deep rivers on my stomach
that always lead to my hipbone basin

I flex my palms
and admire how my knuckles protrude
when I relax them again

My cheek bones can be felt
with a light pressure
and everlasting insecurity
but my chin never thins
quite the way I want

I pull my hair elastic forward
so that it sits right before
my perfect wrists

I admire my knees
as I sit in a tight skirt,
eyes trailing upward,
smile getting smaller,
thighs getting bigger

I tell myself I am better
and then I am alone

I have always liked the cold air
because it matched the feel of my skin
and the taste in my mouth

Today I found myself searching for warmth
and I ached for the heat
that used to shoot through your fingertips
onto my spine
in the middle of the night
when you were worried my heart
might actually
turn to ice

The smell of stale alcohol
and a slight pressure
upon my shoulder blades
greeted me
with cold air
and the winter sun

I thought that perhaps
my dreams had been reality
and that you were lying next to me
like so many times before

I opened my eyes
to find mascara-stained pillowcases
and blankets twisted
into a maze of confusion
and bitter disappointment

Last time
it was because I hid my feelings
and released them
through deep sighs
late at night
that only you could hear

Last time
it felt as though
the pain
would never stop escaping
from my pores
and the air around me
was thick with sadness

This time
it was because you could not bear
the pain of saying goodbye
when hello only came
after 10 pm, drink in hand

This time
I feel like I am choking
on every drink you have ever given me
and the only way out
is to bring the memories back up
like swords in my throat

Last time
I fixed the problem
with sleepless nights
by your side

Last time
going to bed
became a necessity
I grew to hate

This time
the problem
was waking up next to you
and leaving shortly after

This time
I wake up
with a heart
that feels like it was beaten
and bruised
in the night

Last time
you came back
because you never
really left

This time
I think you are gone
but I am too afraid
to check

I still do not have words for you
and my silence in the restaurant
was not due to speechlessness
or too many thoughts
trying to force their way out

I have just run out of ways
to rephrase the sentences
I say to you
every time
we do this

It doesn't hurt any less
and I still haven't lost
my will to fight for you
but I have learned
when to save my breath with you
because I know there will be
another time
when you will take it away

I woke up
thinking about that time
we stifled our movements
to keep from being heard
by your friend in the next room

The sun on your back,
I tried to wrap my fingers
around rays of light
and run them down your rib cage

Our lips hit like bolts of lightning
followed by thundering smiles
and streams of hot air

Your hands held me
as I wiped the hair
from your forehead
and laughed into your ear

As you try to peel your body
away from mine
I summon you back
with the taste of my tongue
until you have ingrained it
into your memory
and can remove yourself
without unanswered questions

I could fall in love with you

I could fall in love
with the way you kiss me--
like I'm a drink you can't taste fast enough
and always leaves you wanting more

I could fall in love
with the way you call me--
like you just heard the best joke
that you cannot wait to share

I could fall in love
with the way you leave me--
like a mother scolding her child
you will hit me with a hard goodbye
that stings upon contact
and is healed by your constant presence
from that moment on

I could fall in love with you
but I will not
in fear that the kisses and the calls will stop
and you will leave me for good

I could fall in love with you

You are my dragon.

You breathe fire
in every direction
and burn down
what your breath touches
so that everyone stays
far, far away.

You guard my castle
in fear that someone
might come inside
and I will no longer
be alone.

You fight off princes
that might possibly
want my hand in marriage
so when they lose
you can tell me
that they didn't
fight hard enough.

You are my dragon.

With you,
I know I am safe.

Without you,
I know I could be free
to live my life.

I hope not
that a prince comes
and slays you
but rather
that you fly away
on your own accord.

We'll fall in love
with a thin layer of smoke
between our lips
and a soft mixture of beer
and blood
running through our veins

We'll fall in love
in the dim lighting
where your eyes will hold mine
for longer
just in case
I can't see you perfectly

We'll fall in love
every night we spend together
and every morning
we'll duct tape our feelings
to the dusty floor
beneath your bed
until we pretend to find them
at the bottom of the stairs
the following weekend

We'll fall in love
without ever doing so
because that would be
stubbornly revolutionary
just as we are

I wish I could write
words like your eyes:
bright, kind, and
long as your eyelashes
so they seem to last
forever

I wish I could turn
your mouth into my alarm clock
because your kisses
are softer
than any song
and it is harder
to close my eyes again
after seeing your smile

I wish I could bottle
your voice
and wear it as perfume
so I might be followed
by so sweet and warm
a smell

I wish your touch
could be transformed
into clothing
I would wear in times
that quiet is preferred
and loneliness
is unwanted

It feels like there
is snow
inside my heart

Everything is freezing,
running ice through my veins

There is an illusion of beauty,
until the sun shines down
and ugly
seems to prevail

The beats are slowing
as the weight of the water
is becoming too heavy

I am being weighed down
by crystallized water
that I used to look at
with so much envy
and awe

The sound of my footsteps
is ringing in my ears
because the music has died
and the pizza
has soaked up
all of the alcohol

But you are still
pounding in my chest

Life will keep running,
even after you've asked it
to please slow down
because you are having a hard time
keeping up
and your lungs feel
as though they might collapse
any moment

You are not the conductor
on the Train of Life,
nor do you have the power
to tell Him
which direction to go
when there comes a fork
in the tracks

Life has many doors
for which you do not
hold the key
and sometimes
we need to wait
for someone to come out
so we can slip inside

Lucky for us,
while we have a coach
who gives us a play,
it is the players who have
to carry it out
and there is always
the opportunity
to make a change

Make poor decisions
like eating too much ice cream
after a long day

Be selfish
when things are going wrong
and you just need a nap

Put others down
in a different chart
so you do not compare your successes
to theirs

Be greedy
and want the best
for yourself

Even though my hands were cold
I felt the heat trying to break open my veins
As you laced your fingers around mine
And pulled my knuckles to your chest

I could have bottled the sound
Of the heartbeat I felt
Reverberating off my bones

Your thumb was no longer molded
By the teeth marks I created the night before
But instead it lightly circled my own

It would have been alright
If we stayed like that all day

"You're lucky you're pretty,"
you say to me with a smile
as I drink more from your glass
hoping to take more
from your heart

My favorite piece of evidence
to use against the case of my friends
was that you have never
complimented my appearance
and suddenly
I need to rethink
my closing statement

Boys that tell me I'm pretty
have been far and few
but liars all the same

I believe you when you tell me this
and it does not ring in my ears
when you kiss me in your bed
because you have already
made me feel
like so much more

Sit alone at lunchtime

Learn how to think
about something other
than what others
are thinking
about you

Sit alone at lunchtime

Play a scene
of wonder and excitement
in your head
and do not worry
if others can see

Sit alone at lunchtime

Destroy the self doubt
you fill up with
prior to chewing

Sit alone at lunchtime

but not all the time

just sometimes

No one
is ever sure
about you and me

So I guess
we'll be a theory
of love
in which everyone
has a different opinion
on what would prove
to be the most effective
way to proceed
from here

It will never be proven
and it will be
an unsolved mystery
where the author
doesn't give you a hint
of what might have happened

We'll be a theory
instead of a fact
because theories
can change
as I know
we will

Don't tell me
what you learned in school
was useless

because
every day
you:

count
the number of likes
you got on your selfie
to figure out the value
of your beauty,

write
perfectly formed tweets
to exude creativity and wit
you wish you
actually possessed,

read
status updates
from former friends
who always seem
to be doing something
exciting,

become curious
about the lives
of people
you've never met,
and

question
why you waste
your time
comparing yourself
to carefully crafted personalities
that exist only
for Internet audiences
they would otherwise
be too afraid
to address.

Don't tell me
what you learned in school
was useless.