Late night hours
Tends to make me
More vulnerable
To negative feelings
As if my guards are asleep
My defences are down
And somehow the demons
Then try to come in
Why is it that late night thoughts
Are deeper with multiple layers
Preventing you from sleeping
So you can explore through it all
Is it because the world is quieter
Those thoughts can finally be heard
It is like a blessing and a curse
A temptation at its worse
Because you're exploring
Thoughts that might just hurt
Time feels slower
During late night hours
Time feels the same in darkness
I hear nothing but my thoughts
The ticking sound of the clock
And the sleeping sounds
Of everyone else but me

I was chosen by chance
The moment fate took a bite
The start of my story
Was the end of his life
I felt unworthy and confused
Running farther from the fight
I wasn't scared of the dark
I was more scared of the light
That focused on my failures
Weighed by greater expectations
I was ****** into the web
Of my own frustration
I want to run and hide
Just to escape it all
Forget what fate has given me
All of my fears and all of my falls
This mask that holds a legacy
Wasn't able to mask a novice
Because this suit held a hero
And I wasn't suited for this promise

It's hard for me to ask for advice
Because you don't live in my head
You can only advise from what you hear
To the extent of what I said
So how can I expect an answer
When you don't fully understand
The question that I'm asking you
Is more difficult to comprehend
I don't blame if you don't know
Because you really don't
Though I don't know either
To ask a second time, I won't

I do not love him anymore
My feelings are nonexistent
My heart is no longer torn
Its stubbornness cease to exist
Whatever happened in the past
Let me leave it there
I am no longer sad
I no longer care
Two halves of my heart
Have again become one
Neither of them are yours
For my love for you is done
Keep the piece I've given you
If there is space in your heart
For I have no fragment left for you
And for that I can finally part

The warmth of a single sun ray
The graceful dance of fallen leaves
Cotton candy skies before nightfall
Someday I will miss all of these

When my body can no longer move on it’s own
Or when my mind has wandered too far
I will miss the simplistic joys of daily living
That life’s luxuries cannot come to par

One day I’ll miss making my own hearty meal
Living off of my own two hands
For now, they still carry my capability
An independence residing in my grasp

There will come a day, an inevitable day
When my home will become a house
And my name ridden with memories
If the pain of the heart allows

Until my last breath escapes my chest
And my eyes close for one last time
I hope to live a life written in nostalgia
So I can say my life was truly mine

When I look into the small eyes of him
A piece of me sees you
An innocence that radiates
Back then I wish I knew

A mother's cry
And your first steps
I did not know why
Such a secret was kept

Or was I just blind
With eyes full of ignorance
With my childhood mind
That remained indifferent

Such a small fragile hand
Held such a familiar feeling
Paired with curious eyes
That were constantly seeking

How to perceive the world
Through an unfamiliar lens
Easily confused, not knowing
What was wrong again

Every time I look at him
It feels like a second try
To guide you from the beginning
With your small hand in mine

Words I have longed to hear
Finally came to my ears
Yet my heart is no longer
In the same place
Nor same state, it has once been
Fate is cruel to position us
To yearn for one another
As if we were not born
In the same period of time
If I hadn't changed
Would you still love me the same
Or could you only have fallen
For the person I am now

Fall into the rabbit hole of my soul
For it is dark and deep
An endless abyss of complexities
That you can never fully explore
I too, have not seen the end
I continue to wander
The parts of my soul
Created, yet untouched
Unknown even to me
Because I am finding myself
Unknowingly in a cycle
Of creating and reinventing
How can you tame
What is always changing

Lost in assumptions and conclusions
Living amongst influences and illusions
How easy it is to lose my sense of self

While drowning in other's expectations
That often discourages original creations
I consider just being like everyone else

But to go down a path already made
Starves me of the adventure that I crave
And an undaunted outlook I have not yet felt

I am a palette among paintings
Still in the process of creating
A new colour to call myself

I tried to control the chaotic ocean
By knowing the mind behind the waves
I thought the sea could reside within my grasp
If only I knew how the waters behaved

Water resembles so much of life
And I could not help but drown in it
The tides move faster than I can swim
More than I am willing to commit

I need space and time to breathe
And like life, the waters won't wait
Constantly, flowing like a river
Life pulls me along by my fate

To survive, you have to swim
Trying anything to keep afloat
Life won't stop because you do
It will grab you by the throat

Then throw you into its depths
Where you can finally rest
Feel the stillness you never had
After all, you had given your best

But before you touch the bottom
Where heaven's light cannot reach
Remember all of your past struggles
And ask, what was it trying to teach?

Resting and quitting are not the same
You're only finished in the moment
Pull yourself back and take a break
Then simply readjust your focus

The only thing you can control
In this chaotic span of life
Is yourself alone in its entirety
Cater yourself to what you strive

For so long I wanted to be water
An element that soothes and saves
For I was born of fire
Wild, destructive and difficult to tame

I tried to dull my flames
In order to gain some control
Though the spark deep inside me
Wanted freedom to console

The hatred I held inside
I couldn't accept my role
I wanted to be everything I wasn't
The ocean, the rain, the winter's cold

How can I run free
When all I'll ever do is destroy
The fire that burns in me
Is a passion I can no longer avoid

I finally embrace my element
As it is in my nature
I want to be free to be myself
I've never felt more sure

For so long I longed to be water
An element that subdues and relieves
But I was born of fire
With a warmth that burns so passionately

I am a candle that provides you light
I am the fire that warms you whole
I brighten your darkest night
I thaw the coldest hearts and souls

My thoughts arranged in poems
My words spoken in song
Every movement I make
Falls with such grace
Following the rhythm of a tune
I paint my face like a blank canvas
With colours unnatural to me
I sort them in shapes and patterns
Distinct and differently
I pick a character to play
I will be her today
Then return to being me tonight
I am a work of art
A work in progress
A creatively driven sight

Why do tormented souls
Produce the most beautiful lines
As if intrinsically, in artistic manner
Is the only way to express their cries
Why do we call something beautiful
Though there is sadness behind
An art so accurately portrayed
With feelings too deep to find
I thought beauty was reserved
Only for positive things in mind
And yet we also tend to love
What was too painful to defined

He felt like home
The other half of my soul
My heart has always been homeless

I held a nomad's heart
Unable to take part
In settling for a love that was fruitless

Yet with him, time stood still
Leaving my fate unfulfilled
With him, I found no need to wander

Because of him, I stayed
He consumed more of my days
In him, I found safety and comfort

Then one day I realized
I became spoiled with vice
For I was a vagabond who stayed

What use are my wings
If I am not exploring
My heart was simply led astray

As though I was caught under glass
Because I had trespassed
In a home that was not meant for me

He felt like home
When I did not have my own
I was not looking for one initially

I explored love's territory
Leaving my own love's story
As I resume my journey again

There are times I still wonder
On those days of endless ponder
If I had made the right choice in the end

I never knew what true beauty was
Until I got to know her
Somehow she shines
Brighter than all my luxuries
While her voice
Sounds better than all the songs
I have heard before
They cannot compare to her beauty
Her purity and innocence
Her grace and intelligence
Her heart, full of kindness
How gently she caresses each page
Of a book she holds so dearly
How attentive she is
To all animals and objects
To dream that she would one day
Come to love me

If any path you took would lead you to greatness
Would you still be afraid of taking the first step?
And stay where you were and still are now
Living each passing second in waking regret?

Because the path to greatness does not mean
The journey is a one way, uphill climb
You fall off and climb then rest in between
Taking care of yourself regardless of time

Because the lessons lie in every moment
Mundane or overbearing extremes
You can find each lesson in the takeaways
If your mindset is easy to upkeep

Because a dream will never come to fruition
If it only lies comfortably where you sleep
Bring it forth into your waking moments
Or live a life waiting to grieve

Because I need that daily reminder
That it is not what but who I believe
I am capable of making things happen
I’ll take myself there with my own two feet

I'm afraid to ask for more
Just in case you might leave
I find myself often unattached
So I wouldn't lose more pieces of me
I anticipated you would leave
More than you would stay
It's a belief instilled in me
That sadly won't go away
It's hard to trust people
When I trust them to leave
It is hard to depend on them
When I expect to be deceived
The love that I am used to
Doesn't seem like love at all
It feels like something you lose to
Something encased within my walls

To leave a toxic friend behind
Is like taking a bullet out from its wound
You'd think it would be better to keep it inside
Less pain you would have to endure through

Though, the longer it stays, you cannot help but mind
No amount of negligence will sooth
A toxin that spreads, the longer it binds
A parting that was long overdue

As if taking out the bullet crosses some line
Swaying from a future that respects you
A toxic friend is a still a friend who once stood by your side
It is okay to grieve for the friend you outgrew

I often find myself choosing
The option that pleases people
Even if it doesn't
I rather not have the conflict
Of choosing something different
But because of it
I see myself
Burdened with lines and cages
Boundaries and limitations
Filled with unwanted self expectations
To fit in so I'm not left out
To avoid having to explain myself
Why am I like this
Why do I like this
And then ask myself
Why do I still feel unwanted
I put myself in this box
Even though I didn't have to
Now I will tear this box
And build a fort or castle
Just because I want to

Captured moments in time
Nestled between my fingers
A treasured piece of that time
Past feelings tend to linger
Back to when you were mine
Caught within a frame
I hold this piece of you
The only piece unchanged
Unlike my love for you
People tend to fade
Into something unrecognizable
Familiarity ceases to remain
When I say I love you
Tis a lie that holds some truth
Reserved for the person you once were
My beloved that you outgrew

People tend to forget her
As if she was a chameleon
Blending into conversations
Wearing a shape shifter's skin
She tend to mirror other people
Just to learn how to fit in
But like a mirror, unknowingly
She reflected what was within
A mind teaser, a people reader
She was who she was with
A mixture of absorbed characters
Like a cauldron of characteristics

Her heart was like a child
Viewing partners like parental figures
When they left, she couldn't help but think
That the problem was always her
Her heart clings to them like a child
She craves comfort and stability
So how do you convince a child
To simply let them go so willingly
Her heart became a homeless child
Unable to settle and find refuge
Because if she loved, she came to know
It would be another thing she'd have to lose
Her heart grew into an adult
Who became independent but alone
She no longer felt the need to love
It was too late to compensate or atone

Closure is like waiting
For him to close the door
Just so I can finally close mine
But I also have a door
That I can close yet I do not
Because I still look into his life
He doesn't close his door
So neither do I, the only difference is
He no longer looks into mine
I come to the realization
I can close my door
He isn't there to stop me
I don't have to wait anymore

I told myself long time ago
I wouldn't wait for you anymore
Though here I am, still patient
Still in love, conflicted and torn
How many closures do I need
Until I am fully satisfied
Each ending feels uncompleted
Like our souls are still somewhat tied
I tell myself I've given up on you
Then I don't but I still try
Each time I say it, it feels closer
Progressing to our final goodbye
It's hard to distance myself
When our friendship has gotten so close
It is so hard to give up on you
Even if she is the one you chose
I thought it would be easier
Now that you are no longer alone
And yet, persistently I continue
To indulge in the love I had always hoped
I want to hug you back when you hug me
Still, I can't bring myself to cross the line
I love you, you're special to me
But overall, you were never mine

How can you contain a storm
Because I've tried all these years
I've deprived myself of all things
Just to keep my mind clear
It seems like it's getting worse
I can't help but be frozen with fear
I just wanted to build a snowman
But I have to miss it every year
For once I want to let go
Of these gloves, my mental chains
If I suppress it, it only grows
I don't want to hurt her again
I'm afraid of keeping this coldness inside
That it will stay and freeze my heart too
Alone and afraid, trying to maintain this lie
When was the last time I said anything true?
I'm afraid of myself most of all
How can I fit in this society?
When I cannot be who I am
Without remorse, rejection and anxiety
I'm afraid the longer I'm away from her
I'll lose my last bit of warmth
That I will soon be cold-hearted
Then I will never stop the storm

I can't help feeling confused and lost
Not knowing what to chase
I didn't think that far in life
Didn't fathom what I could face
That my fate continued after high school
Graduation wasn't the end of me
I am still alive and surviving
Yet still chasing the idea of being free
I often feel conflicted
Of choosing which path to take
What I want or what is expected of me
I'm still trying to differentiate

I read the newspaper stained in black
I watch the television covered in blood
I listen to the corrupted comebacks
Coming from the people I used to love

The world holds so much negativity
As I try to escape my own
I cower from the harsh world outside
Counting my reasons to be alone

I was raised to fear the world
Just follow what others say
Continue being the passive wallflower
As I count my reasons to stay

Out there is a world where I fall and fail
While my inner world consumes me
Overstimulated and stressed in all kinds
Desperately searching for peace

Calluses form on my fingers
My bones replaced with steel
Thick vines and thorns cover my hands
To handle my demons and other evils

My hands grew an armor of their own
Losing my gentle touch in the process
Asking me to hold something so fragile
Is a longing i have persistently repressed

My strength would override my intention
I would mistakenly crush it within my grasp
Tears watering a dead flower
Would not redeem my past

Love, so kind and gentle
Has to suffer, to penetrate my walls
In order to defeat my defence mechanisms
My insecurities and all of my faults

You ask why don't I break my own barriers
It is for love's protection from me
So I cower and hide, avoiding love itself
Behind the assumption that it was meant to be

I want to be unapologetic
Yet, I continue to apologize
For every difference that they see
Increases the need to compromise

From what I wear to how I sleep
Or what is deemed a healthy size
From then on, I understood
That I lived only to be described

I apologize again for my differences
Next time, I will improve my disguise
For the sake of your own comfort
I will keep putting aside mine

I look up to their condescending stares
They will never be satisfied
I escape into my solitude
I am not something for you to define

I am tired of advocating for myself
Without the support of family ties
Finding more hate in my own growth
As though I live to be ostracized

My attempts to calm my abnormalities
In order to sooth those who penalize
To make room for all of their expectations
To create another profitable merchandise

They have taught me to pursue
A personality so idealized
While they heavily persuade me
To carve a body to sexualize

Only to be rewarded with a life
Where I am only patronized
Filled with the inequalities
That are completely normalized

I retreat into my inner world
The place where I fanaticize
Of a space where I can breathe
With the encouragement to try

I am not broken, just discouraged
Of those who antagonize
Minorities and their differences
Who then live demoralized

I don't want to be given a role
With a life script to memorize
Or submit myself to a narrative
That can easily be summarized

Do not confide me to a label
Just so you can stigmatized
Those labels are not my name
I deserved to be recognized

I do not wish to be put on a pedestal
As another icon to be advertised
I only wish for your understanding
Just enough to be humanized

I don't allow myself to feel
The emotions I have for him
So my feelings for him stay
And continue to fester from within
The more I love
The more I deny
The more I see him
I continue to lie
Because the truth weighs so heavily
That it would burden us both
So I keep it all inside of me
Where he can never hold

When my heart cannot listen to reason
My mind thinks logically
It treats my heart as if it's a stranger
Not invested in its story
My mind comes to a consensus
Without my heart's consent
To finally get over you
Whatever its discontent

Sad thoughts consume my mind again
A single raindrop turns into a storm
Silent thunders roar inside of me
A quiet chaos before it pours

Lightning strikes me with flashbacks
Then exits as fast as my light of hope
Leaving me a pile of burning ashes
Striking faster than I'm able to cope

And yet, the rhythmic pattern of the rain
Somehow, puts my mind at ease
Among the chaos of my clouded mind
The rain seems to sync with my heartbeat

Calmness settles once the storm passes
Its remains soothe my tired soul
Array of colours and puddles of reflections
Marks a healing from the night's cold

Gradually, I am learning
I do not need a big dream
One giant life purpose
A central focus or theme
I can have a collection
Of many tiny dreams
A series of them
Each giving my life meaning
Simple small dreams
Only catered to me
Like painting in a field
Or playing guitar on the beach
Someday I want to write
Words that inspire others
Spilt on to pages
To give to one another
Words that can create homes
In people's minds and hearts
Full of emotion and inspiration
To always encourage a new start
If my tiny dreams keeps me going
One after the other
Just so I can keep on living
And not see it as such a bother
I like to paint and sing
Dance and read
I want to help others
And see myself succeed
I don't want the pressure
Of choosing just one thing
When there is so much I can do
To make life worth living

Your last words to me
Left like ending credits
Unable to grasp my attention
Long, detailed in darkness
Executed in thanks
You gave a long explanation
Why you had to go
Leaving a numb sensation
Does it hurt? I don't know.
What was your intention
To leave yet linger as though
To cause and relieve the tension
Like the last replay
Of my favourite movie
One I can no longer watch
Because it was the end of our story

I find it very difficult
To differentiate some things
Is it me or just my depression
Do I want to get better
Or just be who I am
Do I smile for everyone
Because anything else
Is more unsettling
Because everything else
Requires some explaining
Am I getting better
Or am I just fitting in
Do I need help
Or just acceptance
Am I fighting it
Or am I denying it
I am confused
Because of this conflict
It feels too complicated
To simply comprehend
Do I even want answers
To these questions

Overwhelmed by my thoughts again
They swarm with the intent to drown me
Enticing me to the rabbit hole
Attempting to appear just as inviting

I fall in yet again, barely grasping the edge
As I stare down into a familiar abyss
Hanging on with every vulnerability exposed
Before my inner voice begins to submit

Watching the rabbit run with time in his hands
Reminds me how fast life goes on
The alluring impulse to escape into wonderland
Summons the notion that I am not yet done

The desire to return home to the underland
Where colours and possibilities reign
Inspires me to bring wonder into the surface world
So my life would not be in vain

Recovery sort of feels like
You're carrying a heavy backpack
Through an unforgiving snowstorm
You try to fight your way through
Just to reach your destination
Each step further, no matter how slow
Is still a step forward
Though, there are times you're exhausted
So you stop and rest for awhile
You stop but the storm doesn't
You freeze and then feel numb
If you sit too long you'll die
You just have to keep going
Even if the journey constantly feels like
You are walking towards you're death
Staying in the same spot will too
The only difference is
You have the chance to choose
You have the choice to change
You're more likely to live
When you don't stay the same

She explored worlds only known
To those who had patience and perseverance
A world without visuals yet gave sight
To those willing to create it
A world filled with diverse people
Who all shared the same voice
A world so loud in words
Without making a single noise
She had many worlds she could explore
Too many for her to decide
Each new world lined up on the shelf
Aligned with past adventures to remind

I look at you with hearts in my eyes
Can you see my heart breaking?
I look at you with sparkles in my eyes
I am drawn to the spark between us
I saw chemistry and potential
A spark that could light a forest fire
Strong enough to disrupt the nature of our friendship
But then I look at you looking at her
The same way I do to you
I can't blame you
How you look at her
Your eyes don't lie
And neither does mine
I just hope you never look deep into my eyes
And realize I love looking into your eyes too

Why do we see the act of falling
Like it is such a burdensome thing
It can only get worse from here
As we fall back to our beginning
That when we fall, we fail
We are no longer soaring up
Though, falling is inevitable
There is also something to love
A shooting star that falls
Is a beautiful sight and rarity
A falling star where we lay our hopes
Behind closed eyes, in wishes and dreams

Love her like a novel
Read her to the end
Most only read a few pages
When there is more to comprehend

How can you say you know her
When you give up after chapter one
You don't know the whole story
Her story has just begun

Her words are so deep and different
Her story is a special edition
It is one of a kind, difficult to find
So read her with good intentions

Read her several times to understand
The first pages of her are intense
You'll find more reasons to love her
Between the lines that are too complex

She becomes your favourite book
She contains your favourite quotes
You fell in love with her character
Fated reader, a love story has been told

Why do we fear the dark
Because there is so much it hides
All your fears, unwanted thoughts
All the emotions you despise
Darkness is the endless unknown
You can never explore it all
Maybe that's why when we try
It's much easier to simply fall
Because what point is it to find
A direction in a dark place
No matter where you go
You'll still end up in a defiant space
Where darkness engulfs you
If you end up losing your light
You'll wander and wonder endlessly
Because you have yet lack the sight
Why is it in darkness
We see nothing yet we assume
That demons hide and try to find
Our weaknesses to consume
I wonder why we fear
The lack of, that is nothing
We put our own interpretations
And now we fear that something

My mind feels okay right now
Like a field with a calming breeze
As I look at my depression now
Like it's a separate entity
As if I couldn't understand myself before
I look at it in disbelief
Just try harder even when you're tired
Look at what my mind can achieve
But I mustn't forget the hardships
When my relapses arise
Because I am actually fighting harder
On those days my mind wants to die
I must not take this peace for granted
For only now I have won the war
It is an internal eternal conflict
For life, my life, is worth fighting for

I've tried finding love once
And it broke me
I've tried finding love again
And it broke me some more
So don't expect me
To find love to fix me
When I am broken
Only for it to leave again
And break me some more

When I hear every new heartbreak
I trust love a little less
In attempts to save myself
From all the emotional stress

But love without passion
Is not love at its best
Though I am scared to love at all
Only to be broken like the rest

From what my eyes have seen
True love has to be intense
Full of tears and excruciating pain
Crying over something so complex

After every unrequited heartbreak
My mind still fails to address
Why after every heartache
My heart bleeds in protest

Because after every love
There is more that I suppress
In order to protect myself
Based on an unfortunate guess

The walls are built too high
Expecting me not to climb
But wherever the water flows
By instinct I go
To be with my own kind
Why is it I favour fish than people
And the sea more than the shore
Am I the only one who feels this way
For a moment, I want something more
The breeze in my hair is cold
Compared to the warmth from the sea
The waves feel more welcoming
Than the people who surround me
I take pieces of the sea home
And collect my hidden treasures
For if I could, I would
Live my life in my guilty pleasure
Because how can a home of many
Not be a home for me
Why live in fear and caution
Dear mother, when I could be happy?

Sometimes I want to be lost and forgotten
To be free to roam and wander
No responsibility attached
No obligation left behind
To be erased from all the memories I reside in
From all the hearts I took refuge in
I have this innate, uncompromising selfish desire
To be free, from everything

Why am I called a funny girl?
When my humour is as dry
As the pages of a book
Or Gaston's flirtatious lies
Is it because people laugh
Before words even escape my mouth
That reading is ridiculous
How could such a woman be allowed?
To the characters in the stories
They do not laugh or judge me
They share my thirst for adventure
How I wish my life would be more lively
Every morning is a routine
That requires no risk to take
If I settle and rot in this tiny town
It would be my biggest mistake
My books are like tiny windows
In lives I wish to live
I just wanted something new for a change
Something more than this town can give

Let me feel your pain
So I can love you better
Let me wipe your tears
We'll get through it together
Let me be there for you
I will be your shelter
Let me see your flaws
The more I will treasure
Let me understand you
You are worth the effort
Let me be the pen to your paper
The love in your letter

Because You are the sun in my sky
No matter the weather
The moon in my night
With you I am greater
With all the planets aligned
You are at the center
You, who outshines
All the brightest stars I've encountered
Even in the afterlife
I will continue to remember
The phases of you and I
That I will cherish forever

A day full of reminiscence again
Sifting through the thoughts of you
Diving deep into my memories
That I still have yet to lose

Frustrated with myself again
Because I have the will to choose
Whether or not I free myself
And forge something anew

I bind myself in fingerless strings
I give past moments control over me
Dictating my time, stealing fragments of life
All from daydreaming of what used to be

It's okay to visit times from before
But my stay has been long overdue
Instead of just visiting, I move in and more
Wandering farther from the actual truth

Time and time again, I still think of you
The you, who keeps leading me astray
The character I've created and was left behind
To star in the memories I put on replay