My tears are
saltier than the ocean’s

My heart is
heavier than Sisyphus’ rock

My secrets
that I buried beneath my
skin has turned into scars

My body is
but a graveyard

For how much longer
do I have to wash my hands?  
                      sleep in the burning house?              
                      carry this heavy heart?
                      weep?
                      bleed?
                      ask for bandages?
                      hide my scars?
                      see my therapist?
                      lose touch?
                      force a smile?
                      see my reflection?
                      try to fix the brokenness?
                      adjust to new meds?
                      wish I was dead?
                      wash my hair?
                      trim my nails?
                      write these lines?
                      avoid my birthday?
                      fight the urges?
                      endure myself?
                      cling to this life?

In the midst of her loneliness,
she sings a song of agony,
but no one is around to hear it

Her voice fades away in the cold air;
as she sinks slowly into the darkness
that surrounds her anguished heart

Lover,
I still fear the heavy
silence of the night

Will you lull me
to a long sleep?

To be kissed
by your eyes

To be touched
by your voice

To be held
by your lips

To be tangled
by your hair

If you still wish to seek me for
another poem,
another momentary desire,
another ***** tear to lick,
another night to melt,
or for a little death

I will be waiting,
burning,
yearning,
for your small hands

Orchids,
bird wings,
moonlight,
deep sleep,
and your small hands

All my years, I’ve been preparing to die,
and now they’re forcing me to stay alive
Claiming they can heal my wounded soul
by shocking my brain causing more trauma

How do you go back
from being buried?
How do you find peace
when you know what’s awaiting you?
How do you love
when your heart has stopped?
How do you remember
when you’ve lost your mind?
How do you cry
when you don’t have tears?
How do you overcome your past
if it’s still your present?
What do people do with their lives
if their whole being didn’t yearn for its doom?

How do I start?
Where do I begin?

This is the first day of my life
where I’m not suicidal, and
I don’t know what there is to do
when death was my only salvation

I don’t know this new version of me;
the one who doesn’t find it impossible
to stay for another day,
another endless night

I’m scared of shifting back;
I’m scared of being buried
by my own deadly psych,
I’m scared of dying again

Things are more lighter now
The elephant in the room is no
longer perched upon my chest,
and my wrists are no longer
bleeding, only the scars remain

What if I get hungry again, and can’t
find anything to feed on but my own blood?
What if I woke up in a casket again?

I can’t help but wonder
for how long is this going to last?
How long am I going to last?
I hope this lasts,
I hope I last

I can hope like others do!
I’m hoping again
which is a sign of life!

Am I deluding myself?
Am I better or worse?

I need someone to squeeze my hand
just so I know that this is real
It’s dangerous to get stuck in
a state where nothing feels real
No matter how deep
you went to draw blood,
you still don’t feel like you’re here

In my head I’ve already
killed myself, long ago,
and now my corpse is
somehow trying to breathe, again?

This goes against logic
This goes against my own head,
my head is going against
its own suicidal thoughts

Am I going to look back at this,
and not believe that one day
One day I felt alive enough to breathe,
and not wish I wasn't

Mother
was the first
to steal
my innocence

Death
will be my last
silent cry
to regain
my purity

Come and lay your body
upon my empty bed,
and pour your
scent on its sheets

Whisper of your pain
and glee to my pillow,
and leave a lock of your
red-brown hair under it

Only then will I
be able to sleep,
and my eyes will
no longer weep

On a night like this,
long ago,
I promised to die

I carried this heavy promise
in my scarred wrists
in my empty stomach
in my black lungs
in my sleepy eyes

I wish to finally sleep,
but I fear I may never
dream of you this time

An eyelash stuck
on my left cheek,
she gently removes it
and tells me to make a wish

Her fingers smell like
orange peel and the sun

Her mouth tastes like
citrus and rose water

When she left I peeled an orange,
and wiped away the salty tears
with my citrus fingers

And with every eyelash
that fell on my wet cheek,
I whispered a wish
for her to come back

This morning,
I am a mourning sunflower

Willing to burn than
lose my deity’s warmth

I cannot utter what
is bothering my soul

Perhaps it is the fire
of my own mind  

The same fire that
kept me warm was
the one to burn me

Or perhaps it is the
unbearable weight of
my sleepless eyelids

He spoke in silence
that’s where his fluency
flows out the most  

The lone wolf
longingly howled
at the blood moon,
his cries were
like loud sirens

His inner demons
howled for his blood
During nighttime when
he’s buried in the arms
of his beloved insomnia

He’s met with the alpha
and saw his own eyes
reflected in the other betas,
but his eye color
didn’t match with theirs

The abandoned wolf has met
with the alpha whom he shares
the same blood and eyes with,

but the wolf is a second choice in this poem,
he will never truly belong

The lone wolf
happens to be a girl,
but she never lived like one

You see,
she’s the main reason
why she has no pack
or a place to call home

I remembered the lines
of her shadow, and wept

Every line was an ardent poem,
and I worshiped the poetry of her

Let us not talk
about family

My father
is the word absence

And my mother
is the word fear

I am repaying my
wounded soul a visit

A distant voice tells me
“I am no longer welcome here”

The feeling
of a hot blade
on my wrist

How gentle is
its sharpness
How soothing is
the stinging pain

Sometimes that’s the
only way I could
remind myself; that
this body of mine,
or at least parts of it
still want to heal

In the morning,
alone,
I plant a pill
on my tongue,
and it blooms
like a chemical kiss

In the afternoon,
I wash my face and
wounds with blood

At midnight,
the rain pours
on my pillow,
but I don’t weep

Every night,
I sleep in the burning house,
but cannot feel its warmth

I wear a sweater no
matter the weather

It keeps me warm
and hides my shame

Sometimes I forget
what my arms look like,
but every time I try to look

I see only the scars that has
slowly healed but never faded,
and I am reminded of my pain

And so I wear a sweater no
matter how hot the weather

Lover,
I fear the sleep of death
where I dream,
but do not see your face

Lover,
I have not seen you
for two years

Lover!
I fear I am
already dead

All I did is sit and yearn
in the gnawing loneliness
your silence left me with

Oh, you clueless frigid thing
Do you know I ached for you once?

I will never confess to
such sins of the heart

But I pray that you lose
your breath over my absence,
and forget how to dream

I had a dream where I was in the middle of the sea on a small boat sailing to the unknown. I do not know if there was another soul accompanying mine, I may have seen a shadow or felt a presence. But I was struck by the awe beauty of the sun gracefully setting before me, it was bright lavender-pink. How divine! How perfectly sublime that scene was. But only I witnessed it. Alone, abandoned, and abhorred.

I looked around me for a clue of where I might be, but there was nothing. Nothing but a sea of crashing waves, and the still water underneath me. I, lost in a sea of nothingness without a compass nor a destination. Without a soul to soothe my frantic heart. Nor the tender touch of a lover’s hand gently pressed on my aching skin. But the sky was greater than my melancholy! It spreads like an endless cry, and its silent echo pierced my heart. I may have found peace for a brief moment there.

I then noticed the shimmering water that had scattered flickers of gold from the sun’s reflection, and I ardently longed to drink its glittering movement. Every glittery drop of water was solely trying to carry my heavy ocean of grief. I came to realize that when the sun and water kissed, the color gold was born. The sun’s final act of love was to surrender itself to the sea. To willingly drown in it. To melt into it; completely, each night. At dusk the two will always merge into one another—

But I, what was I to offer? Who was I to surrender myself to during love’s hour? Into whose arms shall I melt? I saw only insomnia’s fiendish grin when I tried to sleep. The never-ending night passes through me with its sharp silence leaving open wounds. Sometimes, it swallows me, and I remain consumed for months in its cruel solitary darkness. Ever since, I grew to fear the sun’s mournful absence, and I worshipped its light like a sunflower

—My anguished soul wished to cease this heavenly dream for eternity, and hold it close to my tormented flesh till I am healed. For I have never felt such profound waves of sadness and serenity. And before I awoke, I thought, “Even the sea cannot bring me consolation”.

My eyes has been
wide open all night
like a corpse’s eyes

Would you come and
gently close them for
me so I can finally sleep?

When everyone has abandoned me,
my shadow laid there next to me,
and it whispered “let’s go home”

And when my poems
turned into suicide notes,
I sharpened the knife,
and put it on my pillow
to sing me to sleep

A bottle of pills with
my full name on it
White and motherly,
I heard them call my
name from a distance

I swallowed the pills,
I swallowed the knife,
my shadow swallowed me

I am finally home

I cannot sleep, my dear
You see, yesterday the sound
of waves crashing inside my
mind kept me up all night

I’ve been at war with my past,
and I failed to make peace with it

Now my bed is on fire and nothing
remains of my heart but the ashes;
I beg of you don’t ask me to stay
alive for another sleepless night

Lover, I’m weary
and I long to sleep

Since you took
your last breath

The food tasted
like the bruises on your face
like the dry blood down your nose
like death

When I stood next to
your still body,
your corpse,
you

You were quiet,
I searched for you in your eyes,
but they were swollen shut

I tried to touch your face,
but the coldness of
your skin burned mine

My heart is grieving,
my skin is burning,
my eyes are bleeding,
and you are still dead

If I can’t swallow your frigid heart
then let me kiss the traces of your
loneliness with my ugly mouth

And on a sleepless night
when your soul needs a cure,
I will be there with lavender tea

Today I miss you
despite every promise I
swore to my fragile heart—

I saw you in a dream and
I was finally happy again

When I awoke your voice
was still stuck in my ear,
but your loving hand
had let go of mine
long ago

I am but a shattered
ashtray that once
belonged to a dead smoker

I catch a star in my palm, and
it brightens my dark thoughts

God is far from me tonight,
so I pray to the moon

The midday sun burns me
like my mother’s touch

I thirst with
an ache for
something I
cannot name

So in death I shall
quench my thirst

A rotten skull
wired to feel melancholy

A nightmare self
that only saw freedom
at the tip of a kitchen knife
isolated from this life

A mind
with death plants
flourishing inside it

A garden of Angel's Trumpet
abloom with a deadly touch
recherché but poisonous

One of Azrael’s early visitors,
I’m now a flower in his graveyard

I built sturdy walls
to protect my mind,
and surrounded my
heart with shields

But I broke down
my defense for her
soft touch and
honey-dipped soul

I surrendered,
'cause I’d rather
have her than all
my chipped walls

And so she left

I have been ruining myself
for you

I still write you
after all these years knowing you
will never read my bleeding verses

I dream of you
dancing in a black dress
as I try to hold your gaze

I spray your perfume,
and the ghosts of my mind wail
from the rushing memories

I still exist,
but not with you

The reason why I look away when
I notice his blue eyes gazing at me

Is that I am afraid if I stared into
them for too long I will drown

Now that he is gone,
I long to drown

I might’ve inhaled her scent
when we were making our
soon to be last goodbyes

Her scent filled my lungs
So I held my breath
and counted to ten

Countless tens,
I lost track

Suffocated,
I inhaled the smoke

Broken,
I buried what she felt like

Abandoned,
I exhaled her out of me

When breathing felt
the same as drowning—

and I’ve drowned myself once

—I gasped for her scent
with each breath I took

Here,
take my useless heart,
it is yours to break

Here,
take my wounded soul,
it holds but agonizing pain

Here,
take my sleepy eyes,
they’ve witnessed enough chaos

Here,
take my whole body,
I wish to disappear completely

I am yearning with
an ache for something
sharp to caress my arms

Hold my trembling hand
and end my agony

Look me in my eyes filled with longing,
for they feel bliss at the very sight of you

Listen to my anguished heart,
for it yearns to be laced with yours  

Lick my salty tears,
for they shed over your unbearable absence

Kiss my quivering lips,
for they whisper your name like a prayer

Stop living in my dreams
and be here with me

Lover,
I need you to stand still
with your feet in the water

Let me drink your reflection
to quench my thirst as you
try to hide your tender smile

I beg of you,
don't leave me,
because then the sun will burn me,
and the sea will swallow my ashes

I wish to exhale every painful memory,
and wash it away with my salty tears

But my tears had stopped
shedding when I learned
how to bleed instead of cry

Mother,
don’t fright when you
see my blood on the floor,
I was only crying

When I am alone,
I hear the sound of the woeful ocean
waves crashing inside my mind,
and a distant voice of a sailor
crying out for help underwater

He is sinking
slowly
inside the ship
along with his sadness

The sailor and I tried
to drown our sorrows,
but we sunk together in
an ocean of melancholy

The chained ankles
are heavy and aching
with ****** bruises

The chained ankles
would rather break free

My love, did you know that the orchids
in my room shudder when I whisper
your name in a prayer?

You,
I tried to forget

Does my longing
not reach you?

You,
who abandoned my trembling hands,
it is my dreams you will not leave

But tell me,
is there a cure for longing?

My lover’s name is Depression,
and he clings himself to me,
like a ghost that still haunts
its old lover’s house  

I wash off my mouth,
but still taste him

I wrote him endless poems,
but he demands that
I **** myself for him
so he knows it is real

“I don’t want to see you with other people”
he yelled and his face turned blood-red

“I want to engrave my name in your heart”
he said with a knife in hand

“I want to consume you”
he whispered in a flirtatious way

“I want you to disappear with me tonight”
he said as he grabbed me by the hand,
and we disappeared together