I’m sorry for looking
like a stormy night
when you saw me tonight
I know, I know you didn’t notice
the trail of blood you left behind
after we stopped speaking
I admit, I’m half glad
that you let me fade
with all my yearnings
You still exist in my dreams,
and for years I couldn’t escape
your gaze even with my eyes closed
I know, I know I can never have you
Even if you gently twist me in
your arms, and forget to let go
The distance between us doesn’t
bruise my heart any longer,
I’m already out of sight
But I still secretly pray for
all this dark water, and the two
of us simply speaking again
I’m in agony.
In a dream,
I kiss your hand because all my
longings were engraved in your palms
Because no tongue can speak
your secret language but mine
I gave you my last clementine
because I almost died when
I saw you cry for the first time
I wanted to be the one to peel it for you,
but I knew you would resent me if I did
And because of you, my teary eyed lover,
I struggle to understand
another’s language but yours
An actual dream I had. Ah.
My heart started shrieking when she said love could not save us. “How else can you explain this?” I protested as I pulled my bleeding heart out of my hollow chest. “This old thing swears to be yours, and yours only” I said with a lump in my throat. “Here is my heart, it is fragile. Break it anyway, if you must.” I cried.
The flowers she picked for me still haunt me. “How cruel of her. To **** a blooming flower for a lover she soon will ****, softly” I thought, but my dancing heart did not agree with me. “Yield” Pleaded my heart. “Yield! Surender yourself to her”. And so I did.
My dear, I am writing you from the depths of my solitude, to ease your worried heart and mind. Loneliness has been gnawing at my terrified flesh as of late. Yet, my only wish is to remain alone. Unseen and untouched. I think this is pure joy, or the illusion of it. But I am content at this very moment. I promise.
You might think that I am slowly sinking. That I will soon reach the bottom of the ocean, and you fear it is too dark and solitary there. That I might not survive my own madness— not this time, not by myself. That I cannot swim nor do I intend to learn how to. That I willingly gave my body to Poseidon as a peace offering. That I finally made my peace— not with God, but with a god nonetheless. That I am all swallowed up. That I will not see you again. That I will die lamenting your forgotten smile. That Azrael, the angel of death, weeps over my doom. That I have died long ago—
But how can a corpse feel such emotions?
How do I tell my stubborn heart that it is not beating for you any longer?
How do I comfort my frantic soul by lulling it to an eternal sleep?
—And if so then tell me, my dearest one, don’t I deserve serenity, too? After burning for a decade, yearning for a safe haven. Do you think I finally deserve to rest?
I could swear I’ve felt your touch once,
I wonder why you couldn’t
bare seeing my raw wounds?
it is never gentle to disturb
the dead with the promise of love
So why did you do it, darling?
I feel a fire starting under my ribs
It is swallowing everything,
my heart, lungs,
and memories too
Or I may just be missing you
to the point where I set myself ablaze,
Tell me, does my cloud of smoke not reach you?
I suffocate with a burning longing
Do you not understand?
I burn, I burn, I am burning for you
Be with me
if only for a moment
For soon nothing
will remain of me
The piercing sound of
your silence pains me
I wish to hear you speak
for as long as I live