the place i spend most of my nights in - that's not where my home is.
my home is in the beat of your heart, pounding softly against my ear. my home is in your arms.
and i know. i know people aren't supposed to be homes.
but i can't help it.
i thought i had had my first love before.
but i met him - and i fell for him. and he did too.
so we loved each other. with all our broken parts.
we loved so hard yet we didn't understood each other's love.
he had that innocent dream about ending up with me.
though i had a bad feeling from the very beginning that
that was not meant to be.
we were very different from the start. but we thought that
maybe our love would be enough.
and with time we eventually realized
that we were too different to be together.
because love doesn't mean compatibility.
we learned what we want and need in a significant other.
and it hit us the hard, the things we couldn't sacrifice.
i know that my toxic sense of love was a big part
of what drove us to a dead end.
and i know that my pride has hurt him over and over.
and i know i've said that i hate him a few times.
i know that my anger is blinding and i told him
i don't even know how i feel about him anymore.
but when you strip me apart - you'll see,
never once those times did i not love him -
and i do not think there will be a time when i don't love him.
because he was my first love.
he was all my first.
the one that knew me better than anyone.
the one that i hurt one too many times.
the one that i will never forget.
In all my years,
never have I understood
the meaning of home,
until I lay in your arms,
melting into the crooks of your body,
my hands drawing constellations
onto your warmth.
But now you're gone,
and I don't know where to go.
sometimes i wonder if we'll make it -
after all the misscomunications that leads to fights
that leads to tears that at the end
always ends up with us tangled
around each other.
i swear sometimes my anxieties, insecurities
and monsters got the best of me
and turned me into a villain
and break his heart over and over again
"there's a thin line between
loyalty and stupidity"
i always tell him
but still he stays
and still he fights for us
"i do this because i love you. that's it.
i love you and your difficulities.
i love you because you're the best
thing that has ever happened to me
and i want to be with you forever,"
what a silly word.
at the end i do love him, though,
i love him with all my soul.
i can lie to myself and say that
it's better for him to be apart from me -
but i want him.
at the end of the day,
i'd still kiss his forehead and
hug him in his sleep.
i know i do love him, though,
because even in my madness
i still don't want to leave
and when i've upset him too much,
even with my stubborn pride,
i'd hug him
but walls crumbling by the seconds.
Love wasn't how I imagined it was.
Love wasn't like those romance books I read.
Love is complicated but trying.
Love wasn't all happiness and butterflies.
Love is sometimes fighting, wanting to run away but knowing everything is still better when standing by their side.
Love didn't mean you won't ever be alone again.
Love is sometimes lonely, lying in your own bed, willing time to go faster.
Love is sometimes being alone because you know you can't ask them to be there with you all the time.
Love didn't cure my sadness.
Love comforted it.
Love is trying to understand and understanding even when it's breaking your heart.
Love wasn't easy.
Love is hard.
Love isn't what I wanted, but love is enough.
Love isn't perfect but it is still beautiful.
one day someone will sing you lyrics
of a song that you despise
and your heart would
cause it's them.
you you you you you
we were lying in my bed - legs tangled together, his head on my chest. it had been a long day but all i felt was warmth in this cold winter night and all i could think about was him. there's this boy, looking up at me, holding me tight to his body. illuminated by the night light, he looks like an angel sent to earth just for me.
and at that moment, i could see a lifetime of this. a lifetime of cuddles after a hard day. a lifetime with him.
and suddenly i wasn't scared anymore.
I was at a place where sadness became comfort. Sadness became the cozy home I never had. A place where I belong - a home that welcomed and accepted me. It was where I came back to at the end of the day. It was the only thing that waited for me and the only thing that wanted me. These days whenever I'm near the edge - I can hear them calling me. Malevolent croonings telling me to come back home.
"I wanna let go but there's comfort in the panic."
i like it
when you say my name
as if it's yours
as if it soothes your soul
it drips from your lips
like something fragile
that you're afraid to drop
i like it
when you call me yours
something inside me flutters
in silence -
a sense of belonging
- i've never belonged
to anything and
i don't think you can unlearn somethings
like how to build walls around your heart
so that no sword will find a way through it again
like how to choose meaningless people to obsess over
because you know if they hurt you
the blow won't come as hard
and there you are
with your patience and kindness
slowly coalescing your presence
into my life
slowly getting me attached
to your presence
i don't think you realize
how special you are becoming to me
i'm so confused about how i feel
I chased so many sunsets trying to forgive her.
But I don't think I ever will.
I know I will never forget
the lesson I learned
from trying so hard
to be accepted,
from giving my all
until I have nothing left.
Her name will always leave a bitter taste off my tounge.
But I've accepted it.
After all, you can't taste sweetness until you taste bitterness.
Before we made up.
When you get sidetracked by things that don't - and won't - matter, look around. Breathe. You already have all the love that you need. Remind yourself of what and who you want to be. Improve. Focus on yourself. Stop searching for love in people it will never be. Love will find you when it's ready.
Today I realized that this is the most peaceful year I've had for such a long time that I realize I don't want to ruin it by adding ugly surprises. There are so many things to be done, to get better at. That's exactly what I'm going to do.
if there is anything
i can thank you for
my already battered heart.
it's a thank you
for showing me
what caring is
what it should be
what it shouldn't be.
Part One of my last poems for the storm.
Everytime I see your name,
hear your voice,
see your face,
I get this sinking feeling inside
because we no longer talk.
And what a tragedy,
for we broke so quietly,
without a single drama.
You went with your friends,
people I am strongly against,
and I went with my new friends.
I've always known that one day
you are not going to be mine.
But whenever I hear you laugh
coming out of my speaker,
my fingers itch to type 'hi' and
talk about my day with you.
But I don't.
I know you're going to reply warmly.
But I also know, that we won't be
what we used to be.
Milana once called us an old married couple, do you remember?
I'll miss you
I'll always miss you
Even when I don't.
The first time you left, I was so overwhelmed by my anger and hatred that I didn't consider your side of the story. This time, after our conversation, I was hit by a river of sadness when I saw you leaving. At first, I didn't really thought much about it, since I've always known you'd leave our country. But then suddenly 'How To Save A Life' came on and I haven't heard the song in forever and I sat down, thinking about what happened and what could've happened. I don't know if we will ever meet again, but know that I will always remember you even when I'm devoid of color. Cause we're ripped at every edge but we're still a masterpiece.
how many hearts
have i broken
how many soul
have i destroyed
have i crushed
that no one
for who i am?
"sorry i can be so blind" - Halsey
There is this split moment
When you realize
Everyone else has known
For the first time
A crack in reality
White noise in the dark truth
Its like your eyes are suddenly opened
And the lights are stinging bright
Everything you thought was true
You hear the walls all come crumbling down
Am I losing you?
Did I ever have you in the first place?
When it comes to you, L, why am I always the one reaching out? Why do you never tell me anything?
You said you wanted me the way I am.
Doomed from the beginning,
I feel a pull towards you
the way a piece of magnet
is drawn to metal.
The mystery unfolds
like dark truths
behind an everlasting fairy tale.
You reek of danger, babe,
I can smell it miles away.
Just the perfect Mr. Wrong
to break my heart.
a song like you?
i'd play it every night.
With the amount of lies
that spew out of your mouth
if you still recognize
your own reflection
when you look in the mirror
you are so ******* manipulative
that i can't even be mad at you
when you are around
and we all know how i am
when i get angry
isn't it wonderful
how the word 'sorry'
could mend broken hearts
and stop wars?
if only we've had the courage
to say that word
when it was most needed
to be heard
to kay; thank you for your letter. you didn't deserve the things i wrote about you, but i'm not going to lie and say i regret writing them.
You didn't deserve the things I wrote about you,
but I hope they broke your heart nonetheless.
remember your first bicycle?
i was so happy, so eager to learn,
i remember going through so much pain
falling on my face, picked up by my dad
as i cried and he kissed my feet saying
'there, it's all good now'
but then the bicycle ended up being my life
for a few short years
but then it is too small, and i was too big
i have grown, and it hadn't.
so i said goodbye and put it on the corner of the garage.
bought a brand new one.
i realize now, it's kind of like you and me.
you have grown, back then, and i hadn't.
you've made other friends, and i hadn't.
that's why when i'm not what you wanted,
not what you needed anymore, you left,
little by little.
you replaced me, just like the yellow bicycle
that leans onto the wall, unused and forgotten.
I like to think that the multiverse theory is true
That for every choice we made
there are versions of us who made different ones,
and that for every lost opportunity
there is a whole another universe where we took a chance
The paradox will never end
the parallels will never cross
But I like to think that
somewhere out there
no matter how unreachable
there is a version of me
that still has you.
you sit by the window, wondering if he's ever coming back.
but you know, in your little heart, it doesn't matter if he don't.
you have yourself now.
do you remember how much i loved you?
i remember it like the soft breeze blowing in my hair
nice, yet chilly.
what i remember the most is the words that i uttered
that last fight
when you got tired of trying (or maybe pretending)
to accept me
and i got so fed up with you never accepting me
after all those years.
i remember how i walked out so confidently
without looking back
when all i wanted was to turn back
run to you
and tell you
'please don't give up.'
but i didn't.
i remember how much i wanted you
to come back and tell me you're sorry,
tell me we could make this work.
but you never did.
and i was too proud to say the truth.
because truth is,
i still care.
i think i'll always care.
though if anyone asks me,
i'll never admit it.
more than you think i do
you cannot fault one person for changing
it is the nature of human beings
we change as the years pass by
we change as the situation change.
we change in each era of our lives.
you cannot fault one person for changing
changing, it is like breathing
the rise and fall of our chest
'you guys used to be close', they said.
but sometimes as we grow up,
we change direction,
we change our minds,
and we end up being in different roads
that leads us into two entirely different places
with the little thought in the back of our minds
that our roads will unite again
at some point in our life.
i am scared of not being loved.
i am scared that when im 45 years old,
i will climb to bed alone,
i am scared of not being worthy of love.
i believe in true love and soulmates,
i just don't believe that it's for me.
i am terrified.
what if they find my body days after i died, all alone in my bedroom?
i have a head made out of rock,
a body filled with poison,
and a void soul.
i am afraid
that my greatest strength
turns out to be my achilles heel.
i am looking at a blank canvas
with spots of red and blue and black.
i assume, i judge, and i am,
more often than not, obdurate.
sometimes, all i want is an answer,
but when they give it to me,
i can't listen because
the voices in my head
are telling me that i should just go
and that i have endured enough.
i am terrified of the voices in my head
that keep telling me that i am not
because despite the fact that i know
that i am enough,
they still get me down.
i want to be myself,
but isn't the voices inside my head
is a part of what made me who i am?
i have little tolerance of people
maybe that's why
i have few people that i like
and fewer more that i enjoy to be around.
i had tried to have a lot of friends
i had a lot of friends
but i learned that
the amount of time i spent
trying to fit in
is not worth the hurt
that follows when they leave
maybe that's why
whenever my close friends
have new friends
and they got closer to them
than they are to me
because i would rather leave
than be left behind
lol maybe that's why i only have 3 friends now
Have you ever met someone and thought,
"Whatever this is, it's never going to last"?
The first time I caught his eyes and saw his smile, I knew.
I knew that he was going to leave.
That was the time when a beginning felt like an ending.
When he was around, I only saw caution signs
telling me to turn back.
I had no guarantee. No promises. No nothing.
But I guess I was a *******.
Because I had hope for him to stay.
But alas, he didn't.
At the end, I was right.
He left me.
I never had a choice.
He was going to leave either way.
There isn't a feeling like being awake undergoing a surgery.
I guess it was a lot like being hurt by someone you loved.
I guess it was a lot like loving him.
You know you are being hurt. You feel the scissors, the knife, you feel them pulling, you feel them cutting, but you don't feel hurt.
You know they're hurting you, but deep inside, you choose to not feel the hurt. You choose to be numb. You choose to believe they aren't hurting you.
But then you can't take it anymore, and there's nothing you can't do. So you let them to keep hurting you. And they keep hurting and hurting until they take something from you.
No matter how small, how irrelevant. how good or how bad. It's still something.
They took something from you. A piece of you that you're never getting back. And the minute they get that something, they stop hurting They leave.
And when they leave, there's nothing else but an ocean of hurt. Everything you do hurt. Every word you speak hurt. Everything you do reminds you of them.
To think of something,
To say to you.
Ever comes out of my mouth
Nothing ever feels
And somehow that doesn't bother me
Maybe I've accepted the fact
That nothing we do
Is gonna fix us
Because my heart doesn't break
At the thought of you
Not in my life anymoee
My heart breaks
At the thought of our happy days
Becoming sad memories
This one is for Kay, you know who you are. If you ever read this. Maybe this is my apology over what happened to our friendship.
i'm letting you go
i realize now
sometimes two people
who used to be together
they don't fit anymore
i'm letting you go
it doesn't mean
that i will erase
it doesn't mean
that i will curse
you and your
i'm letting you go
but i will still remember
what it was like
with you by my side
and i will cherish it
you were my muse
you were my inspiration
you are a chapter in my life
and i'm moving to the next
i can handle remembering the date of his birthday.
i can handle the major memories.
what sets me back are the snippets of the life i had with him.
like the way he was always beside me,
like the way he refused to leave my side when i was hurt,
like the way he wanted to see what i just wrote down,
like the way he nonchalantly blows butterflies to my stomach.
those memories always break my heart.
they come when i have a good day.
they come when i do something or hear something or see something
and when i remember, i can't stop remembering everything else that happened between us.
that what sets me back from moving on.
i remember the mornings when you would go out of your way to talk to me even for a short while
i remember the 'what's wrong's falling out of your mouth each time i grew quiet
i remember your curiosity over the words i wrote in my notebooks
i remember you trying to fix the problems i had for me
you were always pushing me to be better
but here we are with my ignorance and your arrogance
gone was the sweet guy i met
gone was the naive girl you met
and with that come the silence that is slowly deafening me
but all of the heartache i feel now
cannot compare with all the happiness you gave me
i'm not okay now, but soon i will be
i hope this is my last poem about you
certain pieces of me
still want you by my side
still want to hear the sound of your voice
but they're like fallen leaves in autumn
while the wind that blows and scatters them
are the pieces of me
that never want to see you
and never want to talk to you
took me a while to realize that you're a really big piece of an ungrateful little ****
the painful, unexpected blow
of the harsh truth
that you're fading out
of someone's life
like an old rusty bicycle
that's full of memories
from your childhood,
left alone, forgotten
in the attic
when you got a new one.
your life is evolving without me
a lot of expensive vehicles
a lonely broken bicycle.
i guess my world stopped
when you left,
and your world started
the second i am gone.
i miss you, i wish i could tell you that
— The End —