sometimes i wonder if we'll make it - after all misscomunications that leads to fights that leads to tears that at the end always ends up with us tangled around each other.
i swear sometimes my anxieties, insecurities and monsters got the best of me and turned me into a villain and break his heart over and over again "there's a thin line between loyalty and stupidity" i always tell him but still he stays and still he fights for us
"i do this because i love you. that's it. i love you and your difficulities. i love you because you're the best thing that has ever happened to me and i want to be with you forever," he says.
forever. what a silly word.
at the end i do love him, though, i love him with all my soul. i can lie to myself and say that it's better for him to be apart from me - but i want him.
at the end of the day, i'd still kiss his forehead and hug him in his sleep.
i know i do love him, though, because even in my madness and carelessness i still don't want to leave and when i've upset him too much, even with my stubborn pride, i'd hug him still mad but walls crumbling by the seconds.
Love wasn't how I imagined it was. Love wasn't like those romance books I read. Love is complicated but trying. Love wasn't all happiness and butterflies. Love is sometimes fighting, wanting to run away but knowing everything is still better when standing by their side. Love didn't mean you won't ever be alone again. Love is sometimes lonely, lying in your own bed, willing time to go faster. Love is sometimes being alone because you know you can't ask them to be there with you all the time. Love didn't cure my sadness. Love comforted it. Love is trying to understand and understanding even when it's breaking your heart. Love wasn't easy. Love is hard. Love isn't what I wanted, but love is enough. Love cares. Love loves. Love isn't perfect but it is still beautiful.
we were lying in my bed - legs tangled together, his head on my chest. it had been a long day but all i felt was warmth in this cold winter night and all i could think about was him. there's this boy, looking up at me, holding me tight to his body. illuminated by the night light, he looks like an angel sent to earth just for me. and at that moment, i could see a lifetime of this. a lifetime of cuddles after a hard day. a lifetime with him. and suddenly i wasn't scared anymore.
I was at a place where sadness became comfort. Sadness became the cozy home I never had. A place where I belong - a home that welcomed and accepted me. It was where I came back to at the end of the day. It was the only thing that waited for me and the only thing that wanted me. These days whenever I'm near the edge - I can hear them calling me. Malevolent croonings telling me to come back home.
"I wanna let go but there's comfort in the panic."
i like it when you say my name as if it's yours as if it soothes your soul it drips from your lips so sweetly like something fragile that you're afraid to drop i like it when you call me yours something inside me flutters in silence - a sense of belonging - i've never belonged to anything and anyone before
i don't think you can unlearn somethings like how to build walls around your heart so that no sword will find a way through it again like how to choose meaningless people to obsess over because you know if they hurt you the blow won't come as hard and there you are with your patience and kindness slowly coalescing your presence into my life slowly getting me attached to your presence i don't think you realize how special you are becoming to me
I chased so many sunsets trying to forgive her. But I don't think I ever will. I know I will never forget the lesson I learned from trying so hard to be accepted, from giving my all until I have nothing left. Her name will always leave a bitter taste off my tounge. But I've accepted it. After all, you can't taste sweetness until you taste bitterness.
When you get sidetracked by things that don't - and won't - matter, look around. Breathe. You already have all the love that you need. Remind yourself of what and who you want to be. Improve. Focus on yourself. Stop searching for love in people it will never be. Love will find you when it's ready.
Today I realized that this is the most peaceful year I've had for such a long time that I realize I don't want to ruin it by adding **** surprises. There are so many things to be done, to get better at. That's exactly what I'm going to do.
Everytime I see your name, hear your voice, see your face, I get this sinking feeling inside because we no longer talk. And what a tragedy, for we broke so quietly, without a single drama. You went with your friends, people I am strongly against, and I went with my new friends. I've always known that one day you are not going to be mine. But whenever I hear you laugh coming out of my speaker, my fingers itch to type 'hi' and talk about my day with you. But I don't. I know you're going to reply warmly. But I also know, that we won't be what we used to be.
Milana once called us an old married couple, do you remember?
I'll miss you I'll always miss you Even when I don't.
The first time you left, I was so overwhelmed by my anger and hatred that I didn't consider your side of the story. This time, after our conversation, I was hit by a river of sadness when I saw you leaving. At first, I didn't really thought much about it, since I've always known you'd leave our country. But then suddenly 'How To Save A Life' came on and I haven't heard the song in forever and I sat down, thinking about what happened and what could've happened. I don't know if we will ever meet again, but know that I will always remember you even when I'm devoid of color. Cause we're ripped at every edge but we're still a masterpiece.
remember your first bicycle? i was so happy, so eager to learn, i remember going through so much pain falling on my face, picked up by my dad as i cried and he kissed my feet saying 'there, it's all good now' but then the bicycle ended up being my life for a few short years but then it is too small, and i was too big i have grown, and it hadn't. so i said goodbye and put it on the corner of the garage. bought a brand new one.
i realize now, it's kind of like you and me. you have grown, back then, and i hadn't. you've made other friends, and i hadn't. that's why when i'm not what you wanted, not what you needed anymore, you left, little by little. you replaced me, just like the yellow bicycle that leans onto the wall, unused and forgotten.
However improbable I like to think that the multiverse theory is true That for every choice we made there are versions of us who made different ones, and that for every lost opportunities there is a whole another universe where we took it The paradox will never end the parallel will never cross But I like to think that somewhere out there no matter unreachable there is a version of me that still has you.
i remember it like the soft breeze blowing in my hair nice, yet chilly.
what i remember the most is the words that i uttered that last fight when you got tired of trying (or maybe pretending) to accept me and i got so fed up with you never accepting me after all those years.
i remember how i walked out so confidently without looking back when all i wanted was to turn back run to you hold you and tell you 'please don't give up.'
but i didn't.
i remember how much i wanted you to come back and tell me you're sorry, tell me we could make this work.
but you never did.
and i was too proud to say the truth.
because truth is, i still care. i think i'll always care.
i am scared of not being loved. i am scared that when im 45 years old, i will climb to bed alone, wishing, regretting. i am scared of not being worthy of love. i believe in true love and soulmates, i just don't believe that it's for me. i am terrified.
what if they find my body days after i died, all alone in my bedroom?
Have you ever met someone and thought, "Whatever this is, it's never going to last"? I have. The first time I caught his eyes and saw his smile, I knew. I knew that he was going to leave. That was the time when a beginning felt like an ending. When he was around, I only saw caution signs telling me to turn back. I had no guarantee. No promises. No nothing. But I guess I was a *******. Because I had hope for him to stay. But alas, he didn't. At the end, I was right. He left me. I never had a choice. He was going to leave either way.
There isn't a feeling like being awake undergoing a surgery. I guess it was a lot like being hurt by someone you loved. I guess it was a lot like loving him. You know you are being hurt. You feel the scissors, the knife, you feel them pulling, you feel them cutting, but you don't feel hurt. You know they're hurting you, but deep inside, you choose to not feel the hurt. You choose to be numb. You choose to believe they aren't hurting you. But then you can't take it anymore, and there's nothing you can't do. So you let them to keep hurting you. And they keep hurting and hurting until they take something from you. No matter how small, how irrelevant. how good or how bad. It's still something. They took something from you. A piece of you that you're never getting back. And the minute they get that something, they stop hurting They leave. And when they leave, there's nothing else but an ocean of hurt. Everything you do hurt. Every word you speak hurt. Everything you do reminds you of them.
i can handle remembering the date of his birthday. i can handle the major memories. what sets me back are the snippets of the life i had with him. like the way he was always beside me, like the way he refused to leave my side when i was hurt, like the way he wanted to see what i just wrote down, like the way he nonchalantly blows butterflies to my stomach. those memories always break my heart. they come when i have a good day. they come when i do something or hear something or see something and when i remember, i can't stop remembering everything else that happened between us. that what sets me back from moving on.
i remember the mornings when you would go out of your way to talk to me even for a short while i remember the 'what's wrong's falling out of your mouth each time i grew quiet i remember your curiosity over the words i wrote in my notebooks i remember you trying to fix the problems i had for me you were always pushing me to be better
but here we are with my ignorance and your arrogance gone was the sweet guy i met gone was the naive girl you met and with that come the silence that is slowly deafening me
but all of the heartache i feel now cannot compare with all the happiness you gave me i'm not okay now, but soon i will be
certain pieces of me still want you by my side still want to hear the sound of your voice but they're like fallen leaves in autumn while the wind that blows and scatters them are the pieces of me that never want to see you and never want to talk to you ever again
took me a while to realize that you're a really big piece of an ungrateful little ****
i've forgotten the painful, unexpected blow of the harsh truth that you're fading out of someone's life like an old rusty bicycle that's full of memories from your childhood, left alone, forgotten in the attic when you got a new one.
your life is evolving without me you're gaining a lot of expensive vehicles by losing a lonely broken bicycle.
i guess my world stopped when you left, and your world started the second i am gone.