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aa Feb 11
this was the first time i stayed until the very end
my foot's been halfway out the door for the longest time
but i stayed until the door was shut behind me

i was always the person who leaves first
because i cannot stand being abandoned
but this time, i promised myself to stay
even though i knew there was no use in staying

i keep waiting for the realization to sink in
the fact that i don't have you anymore
i thought i would be sadder than this
but we were the kind of movie that keeps you
on the edge of your seat for hours
and leave you disappointed in the end

everytime i start to think that maybe
i could've done something different
i see that it would be no use
your life is not yours
and even if it was yours
me trying still wouldn't fix us

everytime i see us happy, laughing hopefully,
the facade breaks
and i see each time we hurt each other
i see each time our wants clash

i see me being happy that the sun's out
and wanting to sit outside
and bask in the warm light
then i hear you saying no with that disapproving voice
and see you walk inside immediately
of course i would follow you
i'd follow you everywhere
even when my heart sank

people say you already like somebody else now
and it honestly doesn't hurt me that much
i see very clearly that we are not meant to be
that even if we meet again five years from now
it still would not be us in the end

i don't feel sorry for myself if you have somebody else
because i see the reality of what it was like
being with you for four years
even though some of it was happy and comfortable
it was never the kind of love that i wanted

the lesson i've learned from this is that:
you can't force love
you can't force two incompatible persons to be together
it just
won't work
p.s. my parents disapprove of you too now, i told them every single ******* you said about them
aa May 2020
the place i spend most of my nights in - that's not where my home is.
my home is in the beat of your heart, pounding softly against my ear. my home is in your arms.
and i know. i know people aren't supposed to be homes.
but i can't help it.
aa Jul 2019
In all my years,
never have I understood
the meaning of home,
until I lay in your arms,
melting into the crooks of your body,
my hands drawing constellations
onto your warmth.
But now you're gone,
and I don't know where to go.
aa Sep 2018
sometimes i wonder if we'll make it -
after all the misscomunications that leads to fights
that leads to tears that at the end
always ends up with us tangled
around each other.

i swear sometimes my anxieties, insecurities
and monsters got the best of me
and turned me into a villain
and break his heart over and over again
"there's a thin line between
loyalty and stupidity"
i always tell him
but still he stays
and still he fights for us

"i do this because i love you. that's it.
i love you and your difficulities.
i love you because you're the best
thing that has ever happened to me
and i want to be with you forever,"
he says.

what a silly word.

at the end i do love him, though,
i love him with all my soul.
i can lie to myself and say that
it's better for him to be apart from me -
but i want him.

at the end of the day,
i'd still kiss his forehead and
hug him in his sleep.

i know i do love him, though,
because even in my madness
and carelessness
i still don't want to leave
and when i've upset him too much,
even with my stubborn pride,
i'd hug him
still mad
but walls crumbling by the seconds.
aa Aug 2018
Love wasn't how I imagined it was.
Love wasn't like those romance books I read.
Love is complicated but trying.
Love wasn't all happiness and butterflies.
Love is sometimes fighting, wanting to run away but knowing everything is still better when standing by their side.
Love didn't mean you won't ever be alone again.
Love is sometimes lonely, lying in your own bed, willing time to go faster.
Love is sometimes being alone because you know you can't ask them to be there with you all the time.
Love didn't cure my sadness.
Love comforted it.
Love is trying to understand and understanding even when it's breaking your heart.
Love wasn't easy.
Love is hard.
Love isn't what I wanted, but love is enough.
Love cares.
Love loves.
Love isn't perfect but it is still beautiful.
My love.
aa Apr 2018
one day someone will sing you lyrics
of a song that you despise
and your heart would
still flutter
cause it's them.
you you you you you
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