In all my years,
never have I understood
the meaning of home,
until I lay in your arms,
melting into the crooks of your body,
my hands drawing constellation
onto your warmth.
But now you're gone,
and there's nowhere
I can come home to.
after 7 years of living with depression and anxiety,
i don't really want to get better anymore.
i just want it all to end.
i don't want to try anymore.
everything always come back to the same dark well
where i can't see the light.
everytime i got better, i climbed up, i saw the light
for one brief moment, before falling back down again.
i always relapse.
my boyfriend hates me for being like this.
he said i don't have any fight in me.
i'm tired, though, i'm tired of always fighting
and always losing.
and it is just so ******* unfair,
how there's so many people out there wanting to live,
fighting so desperately to stay alive,
and here i am, desperately wanting to die.
why can't we just switch places?
why can't we just choose to live or not to?
i just want it all to end
and stop hurting.
i don't get out of bed these days.
sometimes i wonder if we'll make it -
after all misscomunications that leads to fights
that leads to tears that at the end
always ends up with us tangled
around each other.
i swear sometimes my anxieties, insecurities
and monsters got the best of me
and turned me into a villain
and break his heart over and over again
"there's a thin line between
loyalty and stupidity"
i always tell him
but still he stays
and still he fights for us
"i do this because i love you. that's it.
i love you and your difficulities.
i love you because you're the best
thing that has ever happened to me
and i want to be with you forever,"
what a silly word.
at the end i do love him, though,
i love him with all my soul.
i can lie to myself and say that
it's better for him to be apart from me -
but i want him.
at the end of the day,
i'd still kiss his forehead and
hug him in his sleep.
i know i do love him, though,
because even in my madness
i still don't want to leave
and when i've upset him too much,
even with my stubborn pride,
i'd hug him
but walls crumbling by the seconds.
Love wasn't how I imagined it was.
Love wasn't like those romance books I read.
Love is complicated but trying.
Love wasn't all happiness and butterflies.
Love is sometimes fighting, wanting to run away but knowing everything is still better when standing by their side.
Love didn't mean you won't ever be alone again.
Love is sometimes lonely, lying in your own bed, willing time to go faster.
Love is sometimes being alone because you know you can't ask them to be there with you all the time.
Love didn't cure my sadness.
Love comforted it.
Love is trying to understand and understanding even when it's breaking your heart.
Love wasn't easy.
Love is hard.
Love isn't what I wanted, but love is enough.
Love isn't perfect but it is still beautiful.
one day someone will sing you lyrics
of a song that you despise
and your heart would
cause it's them.
you you you you you
we were lying in my bed - legs tangled together, his head on my chest. it had been a long day but all i felt was warmth in this cold winter night and all i could think about was him. there's this boy, looking up at me, holding me tight to his body. illuminated by the night light, he looks like an angel sent to earth just for me.
and at that moment, i could see a lifetime of this. a lifetime of cuddles after a hard day. a lifetime with him.
and suddenly i wasn't scared anymore.