the place i spend most of my nights in - that's not where my home is.
my home is in the beat of your heart, pounding softly against my ear. my home is in your arms.
and i know. i know people aren't supposed to be homes.
but i can't help it.
i thought i had had my first love before.
but i met him - and i fell for him. and he did too.
so we loved each other. with all our broken parts.
we loved so hard yet we didn't understood each other's love.
he had that innocent dream about ending up with me.
though i had a bad feeling from the very beginning that
that was not meant to be.
we were very different from the start. but we thought that
maybe our love would be enough.
and with time we eventually realized
that we were too different to be together.
because love doesn't mean compatibility.
we learned what we want and need in a significant other.
and it hit us the hard, the things we couldn't sacrifice.
i know that my toxic sense of love was a big part
of what drove us to a dead end.
and i know that my pride has hurt him over and over.
and i know i've said that i hate him a few times.
i know that my anger is blinding and i told him
i don't even know how i feel about him anymore.
but when you strip me apart - you'll see,
never once those times did i not love him -
and i do not think there will be a time when i don't love him.
because he was my first love.
he was all my first.
the one that knew me better than anyone.
the one that i hurt one too many times.
the one that i will never forget.
In all my years,
never have I understood
the meaning of home,
until I lay in your arms,
melting into the crooks of your body,
my hands drawing constellations
onto your warmth.
But now you're gone,
and I don't know where to go.
sometimes i wonder if we'll make it -
after all the misscomunications that leads to fights
that leads to tears that at the end
always ends up with us tangled
around each other.
i swear sometimes my anxieties, insecurities
and monsters got the best of me
and turned me into a villain
and break his heart over and over again
"there's a thin line between
loyalty and stupidity"
i always tell him
but still he stays
and still he fights for us
"i do this because i love you. that's it.
i love you and your difficulities.
i love you because you're the best
thing that has ever happened to me
and i want to be with you forever,"
what a silly word.
at the end i do love him, though,
i love him with all my soul.
i can lie to myself and say that
it's better for him to be apart from me -
but i want him.
at the end of the day,
i'd still kiss his forehead and
hug him in his sleep.
i know i do love him, though,
because even in my madness
i still don't want to leave
and when i've upset him too much,
even with my stubborn pride,
i'd hug him
but walls crumbling by the seconds.
Love wasn't how I imagined it was.
Love wasn't like those romance books I read.
Love is complicated but trying.
Love wasn't all happiness and butterflies.
Love is sometimes fighting, wanting to run away but knowing everything is still better when standing by their side.
Love didn't mean you won't ever be alone again.
Love is sometimes lonely, lying in your own bed, willing time to go faster.
Love is sometimes being alone because you know you can't ask them to be there with you all the time.
Love didn't cure my sadness.
Love comforted it.
Love is trying to understand and understanding even when it's breaking your heart.
Love wasn't easy.
Love is hard.
Love isn't what I wanted, but love is enough.
Love isn't perfect but it is still beautiful.
one day someone will sing you lyrics
of a song that you despise
and your heart would
cause it's them.
you you you you you