I have never felt home anywhere
Before I met him
Not at my childhood home, not in my parents bedroom
My first home was him
The presence who cures my insomnia was him
Wherever he was, it was the safest place I could be

I think, no matter how long time has passed,
And how much life happened in between,
His arms would always be my lost sanctuary
I think, that even though I know,
How dysfunctional that relationship was in the outside world
I felt the most comfortable in that little 18 sqm room cramped with furnitures
When it was just the two of us
In that tiny little apartment where our love grew and died
I think, that even though I know,
The future is clear and it won’t be us in the end,
It can still be dangerously easy for me
To slip back in to my old comfort zone and heartache

Seeing him a few moons ago reminded me of that
I’m good on my own
But I think,
If he’d pull me into his arms
I honestly would still
Even after all this time
And bad blood
Not be able to push him away

That’s how it always was with us
How every separation made me bitter and detached
But the moment he steps into my house,
I always give in
That’s how it always was with us
And he knows that
He knew me the best for a significant period of time, after all

this was the first time i stayed until the very end
my foot's been halfway out the door for the longest time
but i stayed until the door was shut behind me

i was always the person who leaves first
because i cannot stand being abandoned
but this time, i promised myself to stay
even though i knew there was no use in staying

i keep waiting for the realization to sink in
the fact that i don't have you anymore
i thought i would be sadder than this
but we were the kind of movie that keeps you
on the edge of your seat for hours
and leave you disappointed in the end

everytime i start to think that maybe
i could've done something different
i see that it would be no use
your life is not yours
and even if it was yours
me trying still wouldn't fix us

everytime i see us happy, laughing hopefully,
the facade breaks
and i see each time we hurt each other
i see each time our wants clash

i see me being happy that the sun's out
and wanting to sit outside
and bask in the warm light
then i hear you saying no with that disapproving voice
and see you walk inside immediately
of course i would follow you
i'd follow you everywhere
even when my heart sank

people say you already like somebody else now
and it honestly doesn't hurt me that much
i see very clearly that we are not meant to be
that even if we meet again five years from now
it still would not be us in the end

i don't feel sorry for myself if you have somebody else
because i see the reality of what it was like
being with you for four years
even though some of it was happy and comfortable
it was never the kind of love that i wanted

the lesson i've learned from this is that:
you can't force love
you can't force two incompatible persons to be together
it just
won't work

the place i spend most of my nights in - that's not where my home is.
my home is in the beat of your heart, pounding softly against my ear. my home is in your arms.
and i know. i know people aren't supposed to be homes.
but i can't help it.

sometimes i wonder if we'll make it -
after all the misscomunications that leads to fights
that leads to tears that at the end
always ends up with us tangled
around each other.

i swear sometimes my anxieties, insecurities
and monsters got the best of me
and turned me into a villain
and break his heart over and over again
"there's a thin line between
loyalty and stupidity"
i always tell him
but still he stays
and still he fights for us

"i do this because i love you. that's it.
i love you and your difficulities.
i love you because you're the best
thing that has ever happened to me
and i want to be with you forever,"
he says.

forever.
what a silly word.

at the end i do love him, though,
i love him with all my soul.
i can lie to myself and say that
it's better for him to be apart from me -
but i want him.

at the end of the day,
i'd still kiss his forehead and
hug him in his sleep.

i know i do love him, though,
because even in my madness
and carelessness
i still don't want to leave
and when i've upset him too much,
even with my stubborn pride,
i'd hug him
still mad
but walls crumbling by the seconds.

Love wasn't how I imagined it was.
Love wasn't like those romance books I read.
Love is complicated but trying.
Love wasn't all happiness and butterflies.
Love is sometimes fighting, wanting to run away but knowing everything is still better when standing by their side.
Love didn't mean you won't ever be alone again.
Love is sometimes lonely, lying in your own bed, willing time to go faster.
Love is sometimes being alone because you know you can't ask them to be there with you all the time.
Love didn't cure my sadness.
Love comforted it.
Love is trying to understand and understanding even when it's breaking your heart.
Love wasn't easy.
Love is hard.
Love isn't what I wanted, but love is enough.
Love cares.
Love loves.
Love isn't perfect but it is still beautiful.

one day someone will sing you lyrics
of a song that you despise
and your heart would
still flutter
cause it's them.

we were lying in my bed - legs tangled together, his head on my chest. it had been a long day but all i felt was warmth in this cold winter night and all i could think about was him. there's this boy, looking up at me, holding me tight to his body. illuminated by the night light, he looks like an angel sent to earth just for me.
and at that moment, i could see a lifetime of this. a lifetime of cuddles after a hard day. a lifetime with him.
and suddenly i wasn't scared anymore.

I was at a place where sadness became comfort. Sadness became the cozy home I never had. A place where I belong - a home that welcomed and accepted me. It was where I came back to at the end of the day. It was the only thing that waited for me and the only thing that wanted me. These days whenever I'm near the edge - I can hear them calling me. Malevolent croonings telling me to come back home.

i don't think you can unlearn somethings
like how to build walls around your heart
so that no sword will find a way through it again
like how to choose meaningless people to obsess over
because you know if they hurt you
the blow won't come as hard
and there you are
with your patience and kindness
slowly coalescing your presence
into my life
slowly getting me attached
to your presence
i don't think you realize
how special you are becoming to me

I chased so many sunsets trying to forgive her.
But I don't think I ever will.
I know I will never forget
the lesson I learned
from trying so hard
to be accepted,
from giving my all
until I have nothing left.
Her name will always leave a bitter taste off my tounge.
But I've accepted it.
After all, you can't taste sweetness until you taste bitterness.

When you get sidetracked by things that don't - and won't - matter, look around. Breathe. You already have all the love that you need. Remind yourself of what and who you want to be. Improve. Focus on yourself. Stop searching for love in people it will never be. Love will find you when it's ready.

Everytime I see your name,
hear your voice,
see your face,
I get this sinking feeling inside
because we no longer talk.
And what a tragedy,
for we broke so quietly,
without a single drama.
You went with your friends,
people I am strongly against,
and I went with my new friends.
I've always known that one day
you are not going to be mine.
But whenever I hear you laugh
coming out of my speaker,
my fingers itch to type 'hi' and
talk about my day with you.
But I don't.
I know you're going to reply warmly.
But I also know, that we won't be
what we used to be.

There is this split moment
When you realize
Something that
Everyone else has known
For the first time

A crack in reality
White noise in the dark truth

Its like your eyes are suddenly opened
And the lights are stinging bright
Everything you thought was true
Was
Not

You hear the walls all come crumbling down

Am I losing you?
Did I ever have you in the first place?

remember your first bicycle?
i was so happy, so eager to learn,
i remember going through so much pain
falling on my face, picked up by my dad
as i cried and he kissed my feet saying
'there, it's all good now'
but then the bicycle ended up being my life
for a few short years
but then it is too small, and i was too big
i have grown, and it hadn't.
so i said goodbye and put it on the corner of the garage.
bought a brand new one.

i realize now, it's kind of like you and me.
you have grown, back then, and i hadn't.
you've made other friends, and i hadn't.
that's why when i'm not what you wanted,
not what you needed anymore, you left,
little by little.
you replaced me, just like the yellow bicycle
that leans onto the wall, unused and forgotten.

However improbable
I like to think that the multiverse theory is true
That for every choice we made
there are versions of us who made different ones,
and that for every lost opportunity
there is a whole another universe where we took a chance
The paradox will never end
the parallels will never cross
But I like to think that
somewhere out there
no matter how unreachable
there is a version of me
that still has you.

do you remember how much i loved you?
i do.

i remember it like the soft breeze blowing in my hair
nice, yet chilly.

what i remember the most is the words that i uttered
that last fight
when you got tired of trying (or maybe pretending)
to accept me
and i got so fed up with you never accepting me
after all those years.

i remember how i walked out so confidently
without looking back
when all i wanted was to turn back
run to you
hold you
and tell you
'please don't give up.'

but i didn't.

i remember how much i wanted you
to come back and tell me you're sorry,
tell me we could make this work.

but you never did.

and i was too proud to say the truth.

because truth is,
i still care.
i think i'll always care.

though if anyone asks me,
i'll never admit it.

you cannot fault one person for changing
it is the nature of human beings
we change as the years pass by
we change as the situation change.

we change in each era of our lives.

you cannot fault one person for changing
changing, it is like breathing
the rise and fall of our chest
inhale
exhale.

'you guys used to be close', they said.

but sometimes as we grow up,
we change direction,
we change our minds,
and we end up being in different roads
that leads us into two entirely different places

with the little thought in the back of our minds
that our roads will unite again
at some point in our life.

i am scared of not being loved.
i am scared that when im 45 years old,
i will climb to bed alone,
wishing, regretting.
i am scared of not being worthy of love.
i believe in true love and soulmates,
i just don't believe that it's for me.
i am terrified.

i have little tolerance of people
maybe that's why
i have few people that i like
and fewer more that i enjoy to be around.

i had tried to have a lot of friends
i had a lot of friends
but i learned that
the amount of time i spent
trying to fit in
is not worth the hurt
that follows when they leave

maybe that's why
whenever my close friends
have new friends
and they got closer to them
than they are to me

i leave

because i would rather leave
than be left behind

Have you ever met someone and thought,
"Whatever this is, it's never going to last"?
I have.
The first time I caught his eyes and saw his smile, I knew.
I knew that he was going to leave.
That was the time when a beginning felt like an ending.
When he was around, I only saw caution signs
telling me to turn back.
I had no guarantee. No promises. No nothing.
But I guess I was a *******.
Because I had hope for him to stay.
But alas, he didn't.
At the end, I was right.
He left me.
I never had a choice.
He was going to leave either way.

There isn't a feeling like being awake undergoing a surgery.
I guess it was a lot like being hurt by someone you loved.
I guess it was a lot like loving him.
You know you are being hurt. You feel the scissors, the knife, you feel them pulling, you feel them cutting, but you don't feel hurt.
You know they're hurting you, but deep inside, you choose to not feel the hurt. You choose to be numb. You choose to believe they aren't hurting you.
But then you can't take it anymore, and there's nothing you can't do. So you let them to keep hurting you. And they keep hurting and hurting until they take something from you.
No matter how small, how irrelevant. how good or how bad. It's still something.
They took something from you. A piece of you that you're never getting back. And the minute they get that something, they stop hurting They leave.
And when they leave, there's nothing else but an ocean of hurt. Everything you do hurt. Every word you speak hurt. Everything you do reminds you of them.

I tried
To think of something,
Anything,
To say to you.

An apology,
An explanation,
An anything.

But nothing
Ever comes out of my mouth
Nothing ever feels
Right

And somehow that doesn't bother me

Maybe I've accepted the fact
That nothing we do
Is gonna fix us

Because my heart doesn't break
At the thought of you
Not in my life anymoee

My heart breaks
At the thought of our happy days
Becoming sad memories

i can handle remembering the date of his birthday.
i can handle the major memories.
what sets me back are the snippets of the life i had with him.
like the way he was always beside me,
like the way he refused to leave my side when i was hurt,
like the way he wanted to see what i just wrote down,
like the way he nonchalantly blows butterflies to my stomach.
those memories always break my heart.
they come when i have a good day.
they come when i do something or hear something or see something
and when i remember, i can't stop remembering everything else that happened between us.
that what sets me back from moving on.

certain pieces of me
still want you by my side
still want to hear the sound of your voice
but they're like fallen leaves in autumn
while the wind that blows and scatters them
are the pieces of me
that never want to see you
and never want to talk to you
ever again