Do you love

me

             enough

to leave
                                  if I ask?

He said don't leave,
It was too early,
Nothing would remain.
He had a worried look on his face,
The first one she'd seen
And the first of many.
He said don't go.
Begged.
Pleaded.
But all she could do was turn and leave.
It was time for both of them,
And she was the only one who realized that.



*She cried every day after...

Back in time to the beginning,
A queen from the future ruled,
Dreams on her heart
Holding on and cutting deep like knives.
She knows never to return back to where she came.
Rule, rule, endowed by God,
Then run away--
She cannot taste of the bittersweet drink yet.
Living hundreds of years
In isolation
Then learn how to be a lady of the court.
She still cannot handle the memories
Of those she left first--
The ones who weren't here.
Again she hides as the world shifts,
She comes again, then goes again,
Waiting for what she lost and is destined to gain
At the beginning of time.

His world changed that Tuesday afternoon.
He ignored the shifting wind,
The roots of something else devoured
The beauty of the original.
Branches of distrust guarded the once clear way,
The path now dingy and dilapidated.
Wonder once misted where
Despair now looks to.
Melancholy instruments strung out of tune
And a haunting melody throughout the room.
Did he not feel the shift?
Or taste the sour air,
Or smell the bitter perfume,
Or even look at the avenue?
Did he hear the coming change?

His shadow casts pure black
On all he sees,
Extinguishing the light
That once was warmth.
He became as cold
As the polar bears,
But didn't have the strength to
Learn how to love.

Some gone
And feeling like the girl next door,
No way to show how
I was or am.
Try too hard only to be let down easy.
Your playmate.

And as you play with my heart
I lay in the corner
Trodden over and forgotten.

Black is my heart today...

Would you be the person who
Willingly pulls my heart out
And turns it to dust?

Or would you be the one
Who is tender
Handling the fragile, breakable
Pieces
And fit the shards back together?

I will willingly surrender
To the greater part of my heart.

She was a girl called Chowder,
Hopes hanging on her heart
And roses in her window.
Written up to as much as she thought she was,
She let go,
Let the blows take her back to the
Days on the beach--
The lake.
Her age too young,
But too confident to see
An impending reality
Of ultimate misery.
Every night she puts her feelings away
And every day she unpacks them again--
Hanging the hopes on her heart
And the roses in her window.
Claiming what she had
She dreamed,
She flew!
Like a bird she was away
Where the cold no longer persisted,
Away from where he hunted.
Out alone she breathed heavy,
Ready to start afresh,
Winning hearts yet wondering why,
And downing more drafts than healthy.
Again she enters into the memory
A kiss
On the beach
At the lake.

Chowder--
Return not to the past you dreamt of leaving. Enter into the future with hopes hanging on your heart. **** the rips he caused on your heart. Water the roses in the open dimmed window. Heap a load of joys in your life. Claim what is yours and what was never his.

           Chowder--
                   Take your wings and fly.

I am the one they call beautiful,
Glittering in shimmery gold,
But listen to my heart break
As I let myself unfold.
I let the tears cascade
As I left my walled protection,
No where left to run from you,
Yet still unclear where I should go.
I am in a maze
Where the only obstacle is you,
Running around in endless circles,
With nothing left to do.
My head is pounding
As from a dreamless night
I wake again exhausted.
I can't bring myself to look at the phone
For fear of pain or pleasure--
Yet I do it anyway.
I dare not speak your name--
The reminder for broken friendship.

If only...

*But I am too vulnerable to dream.

How does love grow cold,
Yet act so bold...






Why am I too scared to fall?

Everything shattered...

                       ...But she refused to let herself fall apart...

...When she awoke her world was broken as before...
                    ...Believing the future and all it held, she wanted to be the one...
            ...Stuck in the middle, she felt like she was never enough...
       ...All the whispers *weighed her heart heavy...
                          *...The longer she knew someone the less they'd know her...
              ...Shutting herself from her friends and the world...
    ...She doesn't have anywhere left to turn...

*...Would you believe I am that girl?...

My soul
               Is a sad song

                                       Who can't
                                                          Find

                                                                    *Harmony.

Images of the shadowed morning
Break the eastern sky.
Exhausted from the sleepless night
And conversations being shy.
An impending funeral with
New birthed melodies,
Then drop back into covers before the day is spent.
Not a word heard from those who said they'd call,
No message of encouragement waiting on my phone.
I am destined to travel
With shadows beneith my eyes
Because I spent another sleepless night
Crying in the darkness.

It's not because of you or him or anyone.
I knew I was never enough-- or beautiful.
*Just stop pretending I wasn't real.

Just like burnt toast on a Saturday morning,
I am disgusted with myself.
There is no eating,
No thinking,
No breathing,
Without wanting the one thing I can't have.

I no longer want to write--
You can see right through my words,
The passion,
The spirit,
Makes those cowards shy away.

I am the coward.
Do I kick too hard when they can't move,
Or am I being beaten when I'm down?
This see-saw
Takes away my part
Before I can play the role.

You ask me--
"Why do you hate yourself?"
I can never be everything I hoped to be.

I need someone
I wouldn't be afraid to call at
Four A.M.
Because I couldn't sleep.

He would sing me to sleep,
And cherish the moment
That I cared enough to call.

Midnight comes again
And I blink away the tears
Too exhausted
To chance my needed conversation with you.

His eyes were the black pools of a shadowed night
Drinking in all the light.
His eyes were metallic--
Silver,
Yet thicker than steel,
So that he could no longer feel.
The lies they told,
Heartache was caused
His eyes hid the pain--
To my pain were they blind--
But it was too late when he saw.

How to save a life?

                          Eyes.

Take a left at the willow tree
And picture an artist's brush
Painting colors not known to man,
Celestial images replacing the devil's handiwork.

I am learning to dance again
Even in this dreary downpour.
Rain can't deter me from
The sunshine of grace.

I will become an artist
And learn from the hand of God--
I will hold a paintbrush,
My new colors I will paint.

Dive into the deep unknown
Blue
Of the darkening night sky.
I will be frigid in the emptiness
Floating alone,
No one left to hang on to.

I am the one they call beautiful,
Left in the glittering dust.
I wish I was still flying,
A bolide in the black.
I would be an angel.

Dreaming of the invisible,
Sightless,
Soundless,
Vivid images pouring from my heart.
I am too weak to handle,
But meek enough to learn.

I was once flying,
Now my heart is in the starry night.

Underneath the maple tree
I drew my last breath.
No longer a child,
My courage has fleeted,
Bravery abandoned.
I can no longer hide
As the flaming leaves
Cover placid skin.
Colder I grow
As I fall away to dust.

                                                          ­                     *There are worse ways to die
                                                             ­                        Than being devoured by
                                                              ­                                     The maple tree.

It's getting bad again.

Sing to me
The lost lullaby
Of forgotten dreams--

Maybe I can sleep this night away.

I was left alone in the
Quiet darkness.
Rather than peace,
I could have screamed and cried.
My feelings are too strong.


*At least I can feel.

The ink in my pen runs freely,
Staining the wood with new varnish,
Changing what was once beautiful
Into a blossoming masterpiece.

Seeing the world with more than words,
More vibrant than hues and pigments,
Feeling the depth of human hearts,
And testing the pull of currents.

I'll admit it,
I was livid
When you sat next to me first.
Embarrassed as I was,
Again and again you were there,
But the more you were there the closer we got.
Now I thank my lucky stars
And God
For having you there,
Because God knew
I needed a friend
To my right.


Thank you for helping me along the way.

I am your power
Unconquerable,
Inquentiable,
A moving lust
Taking over an inexhaustible dream.

I will be the last thing on your mind,
I will control every thought,
I am your desire.

But in the end I promise I will leave.
Your hubris is too much,
I could never stand against it.

You were my power
But now I am miles away.

I will never stop running from you.

Everybody does it.

I could never dream
Without wondering what someone else was dreaming.

I cannot speak
Without hesitating at another's thoughts.

You ask me what I'm afraid of.
Maybe it is
Bullies,
Offenders,
Liars.
Maybe I'm afraid I'm seen that way.
Maybe I'm afraid of what they say,
What they'll do,
What it will mean.
As to my fears escalating,
I'm more convinced
The world is a better place when I hide in my room.
Their opinions will change the world.
I don't want to be changed.
I don't want to be told
Or to be scoffed at.

I fear
         Judgment.

It's my fault it rained.

I feel like I have never laughed before,
The dreary streaks increasing.
There is nothing that you can do,
I can't trust you because I've fallen

Too many times.

Dropped by the hands
That should have protected me.
I don't blame them,
I can only blame myself.

The anxiety is worse
As my body refuses to sleep.
I could never tell you--

My darkest secret
Brings sorrow to my eyes
But laughter to others.

They don't understand.

They don't believe it--
How could they?
They have never listened before,
Why would they start when I
Wanted to stop

Breathing.

I've grown.
Now I'm living
In the mourning clouds.

Could it be me they pity?

I wish I wasn't the one to rain
And ruin the day,
But nothing is done right,
I am just a half empty glass.

I should remain invisible in the rain.

I feel like I
Love the idea
Of being in love.

I can't call this love,
But I want to.
I want to hold a fragile heart,
A gift,
For me to treasure.

Some say I'm a gem,
Sparkly in the light,
But I know in the end
I'm just a rock--
Not anyone's crown jewel.

Maybe if I knew what love was.

Maybe if I didn't love my dreams
More than reality.

The beat of life
Pounding out an impossible rhythm,
I should have been born a butterfly,
Than without my wings to fly.

525,600 minutes,
And every moment of my year
Wishing I could cast off the old
And become something new.
Something beautiful.
Something spectacular.
The beat goes on,
The pounding of my heart
Matching perfectly.

Hiding behind hats and glasses,
It's potential I'm longing for.
I should have been a butterfly,
My wings are missing.
Wondering,
Waiting.
I don't want to shine,
Only to fly,
Only to rise above it all.
The beat goes on.

Where am I now?
What do I stand for?
Who have I become?
I am not a butterfly...
                                     ...the beat goes on.

I stand on the corner abandoned.
This isn't what I wanted!
This isn't what I dreamed!
Wanting to collapse into a heap of despair,
I trudged on,
The tears raining down my cheeks.
I didn't do wrong,
But quiet heaves remind me of how
Ugly I feel.
I wanted something better,
So I guess I should be happy,
Abandoned by you
On the side of a busy street.

I am not me.

The hard truth of my thoughts:
I could never be loved.
Wanted maybe,
But never for long.
Never in the way
People drink hot chocolate
While watching the stars.
I am too slow,
Yet gone from lives too quickly.
Sometimes I read names and
Imagine,
What if I met someone who could love me?
Will he be everything I dreamed?
Could he stay with me forever?
Then I catch myself falling:
Flowers may die,
And I will remain
Forever
Alone.

I wish for someone
To hold me close
While I fall apart.

It would be good
For someone
To thaw my frozen heart.

It's like forgetting
A melody you've always known,
A dream that you've flown
Only to crash...

Who am I suppose to be?
I'm ready to question,
Can anyone hear me?
Too many words....

Am I allowed to think
If I can no longer escape?
In less than a blink
I leap...

Chasing away,
Maybe being left is better.
Missing all traced letters,
Yet without I sway...

... F  A    L     L      I        N         G

In the silent clouds,
A dream-like story is told.
Like a river of silver,
A heart of love can travel the world.
In the blink of an eye,
The moon blushes as the sky fades to gray.
The dark of life now
Alive in starlight.

In the silent clouds,
A promise is waiting.
Sway away to the masked music,
Feel the soft petals falling faster
Than my trust forgotten.

In the silent clouds,
Shoot my wings with misery and heartbreak.
Frozen imaginings plummet from the sky,
Simple tears slip silently away.

Can I be every love song written?
Or a longing lost in your heart?
Sweet melodies and
Forgotten harmonies
Are the ampersands linking my soul with yours.
Sempiternal presence and wishes,
Have you found a rocondite?
You will never be able to catch a bolide,
Nor find Yoknapatawpha.
Yet why do I feel so close to you?
A la belle étoile,
Under the beautiful star,
Maybe I wish to be held
In honest, caring arms.
Serendip will come at last,
Cicatrix will fade away.
As I slowly saxify,
Will you ever realize
Now is too late?

Lost in oblivion,
A china doll waits,
Dreaming of the day
Another comes to play.
She only wants to bring smiles,
But too often breaks,
Wondering if cuts always turn to scars,
Wondering if all scars in turn fade.
But the china doll still waits,
Lost in oblivion,
Pondering the answer.

I can't grasp it,
Nor hold on to meaning.
It feels like random words,
Scattered letters,
Holding no substance
When spoken to me.

Morning has awoken
But still in evening dress,
Betting once,
Then maybe twice,
But China still too far.
I look again at shattered crystal
And toppled chandelier--
Frozen again I remain at the door.

____________
     And on and on you call me,
Telling me what I've never known.
Teaching,
Bringing fresh air to this stagnant room.

I hid among the cobwebs,
Always wondering what someone would do
If I
      F
        E
          L
            L
               ...

                                                     They might call it love

Maybe I'm looking for another
                          Weakness,
                     ­                                          Maybe I will remain in the
                                            Dark.

But I don't need to tell you...
                                                   *I really shouldn't.

When the day will be
               When everything is
    Written,
                          And there are no new words
                                         Or ideas...

But if my heart stops beating,
Who would be the one who saves?

But if I should die,
Who would be the one who cries?

Limitless I think you are
Until you build a wall.
I have too many myself,
Help me make them fall.

Think back to what you said...*

People live in dark realities,
A grim fairy tale of
Hope and heartache.
People always try--
But then again,
People always fail:
Is it better to question your potential,
Or falter in a better place?

Some give in,
Trying to fill the wallowing gap in their chest.
#heart.
Ending up heartless on street corners,
The scams begging for money to
Buy their drugs,
The ones who really need help suffer.
Their first mistake:
Setting out to fail.

Others let it gather,
A dreary storm in their eyes,
Clouding their perception
While every friend turns hostile:
Fiends consulting the enemy.
Let the storm blow over--
Don't give in.

I need
         Hands to hold,
                 Arms to hug,
                       Words to comfort,
                                  Smiles to lead,
                                              Tears to cherish,
                                                        ­Ears to hear,
                                                           ­   A heart to care.
What about
                                                           ­                             **You...
...?

I'm the
Sun patch on the grass
In a dark storm.
Here I am:
Rain and sunshine cascading down,
With you
Parting the clouds.