I dreamt about you explicitly today
We were actually talking and
You were very adamant about your feelings
But you seemed slightly hesitant
So I asked if there was any way
Your feelings could change
And you could forgive me
With some time and space
You thought about it
It sounded like you were about to say yes

Then my phone rang

Breaking me away from you
The dream still fresh in my mind
As the sound sinks me back into reality
She wanted to make sure I was up for class
I feel so dead inside
I'd rather spend my days in bed
In my head
Chasing you through my dreams
Because those representations of you
Are all I have left

Dear 6 year-old me,

You're allowed to have feelings.
I'm sorry no one has told you that before
I know it's confusing to hear
When you were just guilted for getting angry
I promise that's not what you deserve
That's not the treatment you need
That's not going to help you grow
What it will do is teach you not to trust
Not just other people either
No, you'll learn not to trust even yourself
And that's the hardest part of it all
Because you have to live with you forever
And maybe that's part of the reason why
You'll be suicidal in 6 years
You'll start hurting yourself and
You'll feel stuck in a depression for
Almost an entire decade
Because you'll resent your feelings so much
That you'll bury them all with all your needs
Until you're nothing more than a mirror
Reflecting back to people
The things they want of you
Who they want you to be
What they want you to think and feel
You'll bury your feelings so deep
That you'll end up in abusive relationships
Because you're so used to being used
So used to being manipulated
And you just want to feel loved
And since love is an appropriate emotion
It's one of the few you can really feel
So you'll fall in love and think that
For love you have to do anything
Be anything
Even if it hurts
Even if you have to sensor yourself
All the way down to your thoughts
Just in case she asks what you're thinking
And you don't want to lie

I'm sorry if this all sounds scary to you
I promise it really is
Because human beings are social creatures
And feelings are integral to connection
And you weren't taught to connect
You never learned how to feel
No one showed you that it was ok
I promise that life isn't all bad though
Because you're going to learn to feel freely
I don't know when it'll happen yet
But I guarantee it will
We're 23 now and it's been getting better
It's still terrifying every single day
Every single moment when you make a choice
Between numbing to feel nothing at all
And letting yourself be as you are
It feels like a gun is at your head
And the most helpful option for you
Does not feel safe at all
Feeling isn't going to come easily
It will take so much time and energy
All of your patience and perseverance
But I know you'll get there
We'll get there
Because I'm here for you now
We'll learn how to feel together
Even when it's scary
Even when it's hard
I'll be right here with you
Because I love you
And it's ok to express your feelings
I promise I'm going to start listening now

With Love,
Carter

I'm sorry I'm so ****** up and
Overall just complicated
I know my feelings
But sometimes I don't feel them
And that's terrifying
I know they're there but
They get shoved under
By the waves of anxiety and fear
I want to give you everything
But I don't know what that means
I get trapped within myself
And it feels like I can't breathe
These thoughts thrash through my mind
Tearing up everything they touch but
I love you entirely
And I don't want this darkness to touch you
So I'll probably always question
Why you make the active choice to be with me
I'll never understand
How someone as amazing as you
Could ever love someone this broken
For that, I am the luckiest person
Because you do love me
And you're with me
And you're the most loving and supportive person I know
And you remind me constantly
As exhausting as that might be
So thank you for being you
And for being here
I love you
Always

Dear God,
If there is a god
Why aren't you listening?
I'm not going to sit here and question "why me?"
No, I've accepted my life for what it is.
But I'd like to know why them?
Why are you going to let my best friends die?
If you're so great and powerful,
Then why don't you save them?
show some pity and give them something?
Some reason, some sort of hope to keep going.
I'm trying.
I'm trying harder than you can imagine.
Trying to do what they say your job is.
They need a light, a reason to live, and they
Can't find it.
I'm doing all that I can.
But it isn't enough.
They still want to die, still see no point in living,
But I hope you know that if they go I'll be soon to follow
They're my life, besides my family, Hell they are family.
I don't sit here and wonder "why me?"
Instead I break the silence with screams of
Why NOT me?
Why do they have to suffer and I have things going well?
Why take them? What did they do to deserve this?
I'm the sinner. The one who should die, not them
God how can you take them and
Leave me here to die anyways?
Why not take me and spare them the sorrow?
I hope you know you're taking three lives with you that night.

The condensation slowly begins
To eat a hole in
The cotton of my jeans
And I've been through this enough
To know
I'm not alone in it
But I can't help but feel empty.

The dripping grass emits it's gasses
filling the air with the sweet smell of
freedom and October;
The plants releasing their last breath into the world
before the snow comes
and brings death upon us all.

Even in this facade of freedom I feel trapped
Caging myself within the confines of a small
One-bedroom apartment that's supposed to be "home".

The soaking corpses of thriving flowers
and the sweet tickle of chirping crickets
are drowned out by the overwhelming sadness
that's begun to overthrow my lungs,
echoing throughout my limbs as it
sloshes through my eardrums and soaks my shoes

Dear god, why am I still hurting?
It's been 9 years and I still can't escape.
This depression has stolen every last part of me.
Until it's all I have left.

And yes, out here, I feel free
Away from the judgement
Where no one can touch me
Connected with the Earth
Simply observing all that surrounds me.

And of course I can hide from my anxiety
But even feeling the cleanest sand between my feet
And deafening my mind with these crashing waves around me
I can't run from the demons eating at the tatters of my soul
Because they will find a way to lure me back in
To disconnect me from the beauty that surrounds me
Leaving me dying alone on the cold, dark concrete
that lines my broken memories
Bleeding out these sins until I no longer feel empty

If you're looking for a bad boy
You'll have to move along
Because I'm just as paranoid
As I am protective.

And I know I look edgy
But under my hard exterior
I am nothing but soft and sweet
And I care for you so much it hurts.

Baby I can't promise you tomorrow
But I can give you tonight
I'll do my best to give you the world
In a night you won't forget.

Because I'm damaged
Even though you see perfection
You chalk me up to Prince Charming
But I'm really just another demon

I can talk and walk like the rest
But my insides are nearly empty
I can act out the perfect script for love
But eventually I'll die from dehydration

Because as I keep moving through the world
I am feeding off the love of these poor girls
And I give them the perfect dream they wanted
Just before turning it into a nightmare

I am a snake with guilt issues
A demon thriving off innocence
I simply want to save the world
But I'm leaving it more damaged in my path

And I know you want my love
And you want my commitment
But I really think I need to be alone
To try and **** these demons before they **** me.

I don't get how you can mean so much to me and to you I am nothing.
I'll just keep pretending you never happened. Like you're not important and that I don't need you for anything, especially my happiness.
While I'm simply burning inside because I know I was wrong.
Well now I'm done with you, done with everyone, as I accept defeat without a fight.

I know there's truth inside me
As it echoes against my bones
I like to pretend it isn't real
But I can feel it in my soul
I have thoughts in my head
That I don't want anyone to see
So I keep it together as best I can
And use these meds to hide myself from me
I want to talk about it all
Give the words some space to breathe
But my brain keeps telling me I can't
If I do then everyone will leave
They can't know about the fact
That I think I deserve to die
I am trying so hard to get better
And yet it feels like such a lie
Part of me believes that I am the worst
Undoubtedly broken into jagged pieces
That no matter what I say or do
The poison of my soul won't be defeated
I search for the answers in everything
I grasp for any solution that I can
I'd give anything to be more than this
Broken, poisonous, empty human

You speak of *******
And I just want to make love
Our first time was more the latter
Our second the former
What an interesting combination
Love and lust
I've never felt as connected to someone emotionally
As I do when having *** with you
Because I can usually disconnect the two
Except with you
Except with you

These underlying thoughts choke me
telling me that I should **** myself
They drip into my lungs like acid
I breathe to stay alive and it
only makes living hurt worse
I’ve thought about loneliness
and it terrifies me beyond control
because though I seem on my own
these voices don’t let me go
Screaming **** yourself
You’re not good enough
they beg me to be alone
With no one around
they’re free to scream
day and night
relentlessly
And if no one else is near
How could anyone really miss me?

Waking up to a heavy chest
My body begging me to sleep again
And my anxiety begins the second I realize I'm alive
I'm trying to learn to function
With all of this negative energy inside me
I know it'll pass and
I know it'll get better
But right now it hurts
I feel unloved
Unloveable
I feel lost inside myself
A place I can't stay too long
Before I lose my mind
I can tell myself I'm worth it and
That my worth isn't defined by others
And it works for a bit
Until something else comes up and
My heart loses its energy
And I either feel like giving up
Or ready to fight everyone

What does forever look like
When you both hate life?

We pretend like we're ok
But we both know we're not

You need distractions from pain
I need to be open about it

How do we balance what we need
With what will make this work?

I feel so numb
It's devastating

Because I know it's not you
I am just so broken

I feel lost
I feel stuck

I don't know what I'm doing
Let alone what I'm feeling

But having your arms around me
Makes me feel alive
Even just for a moment

We were sitting in a restaurant
Table set for two
One of those single couple booths
Perfect for me and you

We spoke of money and
I refused to let you pay for me
Maybe I have too much pride
But I’m not who your ex used to be

The overhead lights reflected perfectly and
I was sure that you were not a mistake
Your ocean eyes vibrated my soul
And then I spilled my milkshake

Blood rushed to my face
And I looked away in shame
But then I heard you laughing
And something in my heart changed

Somehow you weren’t embarrassed
Or uncomfortable with my lack of grace
But instead that heart-shattering smile
Was plastered across your gorgeous face

And then you surprised me yet again
As you opened up your soul out of the blue
And though you spoke nonchalantly
I knew those thoughts were haunting you

I painted versions of your stories
Across the walls of my mind as you spoke
Memorizing the imagery and your feelings
About your insufficient social support

And while I know I can’t be everything for you
I can try to be better than the last
So you have somewhere safe to run
When you need to escape your broken past

Because although the table spanned miles between us
And we were connected only by our fingertips
I could feel our souls grazing one another
As they tangled together in electric riffs

At that very moment
Staring into your eyes, gold and blue
I felt the first real chance
That I might truly love you

I don't understand
All the things that I feel
This anger isn't genuine
It's spawned from sadness
From hurt
From pain
I love you undeniably
And it feels like
You dont feel the same

These thoughts are suffocating
I'm trying to live in the moment
But their faces keep spinning past me
Their voices echoing in my mind
I can't handle this
Panic shocks my entire core
My limbs start to shake and I need to let it out
But I can't
My eyes remain dry and my skin stays clean
I'm stuck, as these movies clog my consciousness
Replaying all my mistakes
And our most intimate moments
Tear-stained faces burn into my vision
They make it hard to breathe
Lost in this anxiety
Most days being with you makes the darkness fade
But sometimes these demons are too strong to tame
So I try to be ok and silence the negativity
But it's hard when the feelings are trapped in my memories

Paper. Pen.
    Let's write out our feelings.
    "I'm having a rough time."
Cell phone
Online recipes.
    I should cook that soon.
Hotel websites.
    Free breakfast? Eh I'm vegan now so just fruit.
    Swimming pool? I'm sure it'll be busy
    Fitness center. Leo wants to run in the morning.
    Booked. Could be a good night.
Paper. Pen.
    Right. Writing.
    "I can tell journaling is helpful
    because I'm resistant to doing it."
Text messages.
    Leo thinks they were too mean to me.
    I think I deserve it.
    I love you.
Paper. Pen.
    Hm. I should write some poetry.
Photos.
    Wow look at how my face has changed, let's make a collage.
    Oo what else.
    Body pictures.
    Pre-surgery picture.
    Damm I've really sculpted up.
    Reconsiders feeling gross physically.
    Arguable.
Paper. Pen.
    How easy it is to ignore you.
    How easy it is to ignore myself
    And not listen to my feelings.

Why does this hurt so badly?
My emotions are circulating like a tornado
Alternating between crippling sadness breeding burning tears
And intense anger at not understanding
Why need more?
Which is an offensive question but that's how I feel
Why make your life even more difficult
When you claim you don't even know how you feel?
If you don't then why are you still pursuing it?
Why are you sleeping together more regularly?
Why is this not enough?

And as a poly person myself I should understand
But this is ******* killing me
I've been hoping you'd text me at least once today
And now I only want you to so I can ******* ignore it
Cause this **** hurts
And it burns
And it's tearing up my soul
Because I love you more than you'll ever know
And I just don't get it

I know I should keep an open mind
And try to be accepting of all of this
But I flat out don't like her
Which is immature because I don't even know her
But from what I hear she doesn't respect you
Not the way they and I do
Not how you deserve to be treated
Maybe it was a one time mistake
Or maybe it'll be worth it for you
But right now I can't even breathe

Even though I'm putting you through the same thing
It's still different in some ways
I only have one partner
You're looking at three
And I know it's stupid to count numbers and compare
But what the ****?
If it's hard enough now
Why can't you just work with this
Why add another person to the mix?

But I also want to support you
Because I love you undyingly
And I want you to be happiest
But I can't even think about talking to you
Knowing you're with someone else right now
I can't think about you without thinking about her
Wondering if you've kissed her
Questioning how you feel and
If you're actually being real with me

And yeah I should try to think this will pass
But what if I don't want it to?
What if I don't want to numb myself to this pain?
Cause it hurts
And I'm not ok
But I chose this and I knew this could happen
And I'm angry at myself for these feelings I carry
And I wish I could be numb to it all
I wish I didn't care so much
But I do
And this ******* *****

Hope can be a beautiful thing
But when people show you who they are
It loses it's relevance
Trust the acid burning your stomach
From crying over hurt feelings
Not the good you see in her
Trust the tangled knots
Weighing down your thoughts
Not the "potential" painting your perspective
Trust the emptiness of wasted time
And the regrets you carry
Not the chance she'll show up this time
There's only so many opportunities
You can hope for something different
Before you're the one breaking your own heart

Love yourself enough
To know your worth.
Love yourself enough
To let it go.

When I haven't wanted to **** myself in a while
And then suddenly the feeling returns
It's like I cannot breath
And
I cannot see
All that is here is me
and death
Death and me

The cruelty of the world overrides my mind
How can people spread so much hate
And the fear that nothing gets better in time
Makes me want to pull the plug
Or take those pills and chug
A bottle of liquor until I'm blue
And I feel nothing
See nothing
Am
Nothing.

When my mind enters this state
Do not tell me to calm down
Do not give me your "good-intentioned" advice
Because your solutions don't work on the severely depressed
Severely fake I guess
Since most won't acknowledge its destructive force
And refuse to believe it's a disease

Because, y'know, it's all in my head.
Don't you know I just want attention?
Because, of course, I don't totally want to **** myself sometimes.
See, I just take the medication I didn't believe in for fun
Because if I just smile and look on the bright side
Everything will be fine right?

No.
*******.
In this cycle
If I forget my medication
even just one day
One.
*******.
Day.
I have to fight myself to survive the next
Because the medication actually works this time
Because my depression is a medical condition
Not just some silly game you try to play it off as.

Id wish you to walk in my shoes for a day
But I couldn't wish that on anyone
Because on those days
Like today
I can't eat
Too much sleep would never be enough
And death sings out
A beautiful song to me
Begging me to come home
And
One day
I might listen.
And then you'll pretend to care
As if you really know me
But you don't, it's a game,
so don't bother
With your ******* shame

A face full of metal
And skin bleeding ink
With an image this hard
What do people really think?
They don't see the anxiety
Waking me up in a panic most days
Or the nausea that accompanies it
As I try to get ready for my day
I see my reflection
And I look calmer than I feel
Toothpaste foaming at the mouth
I'm trying to learn how to deal
How to convince my feet
To drag me to classes
When all I want to do
Is lay in bed til this passes
But adulting leaves no room for anxiety
And my grades will falter if I keep missing
It's an endless cycle of dos and don't
And I feel like it could **** me
Only a month ago
I could order food without a second thought
And now I'm just drowning again
From all of this anxiety I've got

Yesterday I had this realization
That type of realization that feels
So familiar
Because you've known about it
And kept your eyes closed to it
As though not seeing it won't make it real
As if running from it
Or constant distractions
Or unending numbing
Could spare you from it's grasp
From the truth
Your truth
Buried deep inside of you
Fighting you
Begging for air and to be let through
Because it's suffocating in there
And that pain doesn't **** the feeling
Only you
Because unfelt feelings become symptoms
And you can run until you collapse
Or even die from exertion
But in that last breath
That last thought in your head
Will finally seize you
And so as I drove towards our house
Not a home because it isn't safe there
Dreading the awkward silences
The conversation I knew was coming
I made space for my inner truth
That exiled realization I can't avoid anymore
And it told me I still want to die
I still feel alone and like I don't belong
Like there is no place in this striving world
No place for a nostalgic like me
Who believes in peace and accountability
And won't buy into the tech or the system
I have no home in this world
I want to stop and sit in the trees
But everyone and everything is racing past me
And their energy is infectious
A poison
The one I grew up breathing
The one telling me I need more
I need to be more
That even when I succeed it will never be enough
The goal post that's always moving
My brain is saturated with that anxiety
So even when I take a moment to breath
Everything inside me screams
As if there's something better I should be doing
And I am just so tired
I don't want this
I don't know how to make it stop
So my brain asks for death instead

.                                                        I'm sorry.
                                                         ­                                      Sorry to you first
and sorry to her.
                                                            ­                               Sorry I wasn't able to
                                                              ­                           help you at your worst
but also to her for showing up in a blur.
                                                           ­                                                    I'm sorry,
                                                          ­                                         don't think I just
                                                            ­                                  chose her over you:
                                                            ­                                          It's much more
                                                            ­                                            than that too.
I'm sorry you don't know me yet
and won't know what to expect.
                                                         ­                                         Sorry I won't say
                                                             ­                                                   goodbye
      ­                                                                 ­                              I know too well
                                                            ­                 that you're always at my side
Forgive me if I lose my mind,
if in the end,
I'm not what you'd thought you'd find.
                                           *I promise I will stay strong
                                               No matter what it takes
                                     On my own it may not last for long
                                       But with you I will for your sake.

Why can't I control my mind?
I'm alone and anger is all I can find.
Each day the evil spreads
Deep into my heart and inside my head.
I'm unsure of where it rose first
I only feel it digging deep, getting worse.
I hate everything I see
No. I hate me.
I'm the worst, most days
Easy to see why people don't stay.
I treat everyone terribly
Unfortunately, even my own family.
So "he" can reject me at the Gates of Heaven
I swear Hell can't be much worse than the places that I've been.
Day after day drag out and in
Clawing and tearing and wearing my skin.
Oh where did I go?
When did I get surrounded in this never ending snow.
Blizzards of pain and confusion
It's too clear to me now that I'm no longer losing
I've lost.

Why is my mind
Convincing me I'm bored
As I sit across my love
We're both working on our art
In this beautiful coffee shop
We're an interesting team
Only an arm's length between
Blue and purple hair
I know I am not bored
My brain is simply on a strike
There's a lot of painful thoughts
Anchoring my heart into darkness
"Boredom" is not correct
I simply cannot find an escape
Strong enough right now
To pull me back out
Back into living this life
I'd rather repress all of the pain
(Though it blunts all of my positive feelings too)
I'd rather simply hide behind
A phrase so simple as
I'm bored

Limbs cut through crisp air
I am falling, back first, into the abyss
Arms flail to find ground
But only air exists here
It blows through my heart and
Out through my chest
My spinning heart a weather vane
At the mercy of gravity and earth
Convulsions flare uncontrollably
Panic awakening panic
The danger paints everything in shadows
So even the sun haunts this place
I don't want to feel this
I don't want to lose control
But in falling, that decision isn't mine
I can only accept this state
Trying to control the uncontrollable
Will only cause more harm
I need to love myself enough
To love myself when I'm not ok

There's electric energy between us
And all I want to do is kiss you
Short-circuiting my heart
As our hands intertwine
I can feel your body tense
As my fingers grace your hips
I want to touch you everywhere
From your fingertips
To your lips
My hands dance across your skin
And I wonder if you feel it too
The immense craving
Driven by this intimacy
Every touch feels like the first
Intense and exciting
I've never felt this much emotion before
Especially through physical contact
As your body arches against mine
I feel it through every nerve
But I also feel it in my soul
I am undeniably in love with you
And this is more than just physical

My heart broke 700 times

I'm glad you found your closure
It feels like it opened a cavity in my chest
A billowing hole ******* the air
From out of my lungs and
Away from my brain
Away from the sanity I've created
Where I thought I felt secure
But instead the infrastructure was so weak
That the simple memories you mentioned
Left a mark on me yet again
As my heavy heart weighs me to my bed
And I wish so desperately to be alone
I feel as though I'm dying
I must accept reality as it is
I know that all too well
That's why I agreed to meet
To see you
To see me
To see us
Now
We're different than we once were
And while I understand how and why
My soul mourns the moment
And I know I should just live it fully
Because so soon it'll pass
And once again
We'll be strangers on the street
One heart armored with reinforced steel
The other a sloppy mess of
Broken shards and what ifs
Rotting until it turns to ash
And new flowers bloom from its death

Sadness and numbness collide
It feels like too much and I'm not alright
I can tell something's wrong inside
If it weren't so hard I'd give up on this fight
A piece of me wants to get better
Other parts just want my demise
So back and forth my mood tremors
So many thoughts that they all sound like lies
I'm too anxious to even discuss it
Too many choices I make make it worse
The doctors say drugs do not help this
But this bottle's relief and a curse
It's so hard to complain since I know that
My own actions add weight to this burden
I crave an escape but I forget
Not even those will stop this hurting

I can feel myself running away
In handfuls of bread
And mind-numbing multitasking
Trying to create a noise so loud
That it'll drown out the one in my head
The one that tells me I'm broken
The one saying I'm a waste of space
And wasting this life away

I am wasting time
With every bite not led by hunger
Every second half-watching television
While scrolling emptily through my phone
These meaningless moments just remove more meaning
******* it away from myself and my life
Draining my emotional energy because
I'm not letting it recharge
So then I can sleep rather than create
So I can avoid the thoughts and feelings
That are telling me
No, begging me
To do something
To feel something

But it's been a long time

And sometimes feeling nothing

Can feel better than feeling

Lonely

I love you like summer
Hot and free

I love you like Autumn
Always changing and falling

I love you like spring
Filled with growth and energy

I love you like winter
With beauty and peace

I love you like nature
So pure and grounding

I love you like late nights
Excited and focused

I love you like long drives
So calm and expansive

I love you like home
Full of safety and warmth

I love you like poetry
A direct connection to my soul

I love you like challenges
Inspired and determined

I love you endlessly
From now til forever

When I think about you and him
My stomach turns to lead
Coated in poison
Tearing apart my insides
As it falls downward
Fast.

I forgot how jealous I can get
After years of not feeling much of anything
And I hate how it feels because I know it’s not ok;
Your past is a part of you
And I think you’re perfect the way you are.

But when I think of how he hurt you
When you loved him unconditionally

How he hit you
When you were nothing but kind;

How he left you
Alone and broken

Twice

I am no longer jealous
I’m ******.

Until I met you
I scoffed at cinematic romance
So extra and unrealistic
Utterly improbable
Completely dramatic, unreal
Coincidence is never that perfect

And yet
I met you by accident in empty hallways
I talked to the universe for months
Asking her for the chance to connect
Day after day
I couldn't find the courage to speak
I didn't know you at all
But our souls felt like magnets
Being around you is electric
Paradoxically calming
Falling in love with you was unrealistic
As we were both dating another
And despite the improbability
Polyamory was the wild card

From bridge walks to car talks
This flame burned right through me
From 15-minute cafe conversations
To our first kiss under a bell tower
Our passion raged in waves
Ripping apart everything I thought I knew
An emotional monsoon
I swear this is a love like no other

Kissing in cars and wrestling on hotel beds
I breathe in your love and your light
Cherishing your soft skin against mine
Exhaling gratitude and peace
It's a feeling so surreal
No words feel right to describe it
But I do know it's a blessing
That every single day
I get to fall in love with you all over again

I'd be lying
if I said I was okay
I haven't seen the sun
For the last 3 days
Deep down I know
I'm not okay but
It's pretty hard to see
When my feels get in the way

I feel the poison as it bleeds
Through my veins and
Each one of my extremities
Burning my insides
Freeing my mind
I freely give up this sobriety
I tried to live cleanly
Taking care of my body
But it never fixed my sanity
The drinks slow me down
Make it easier to cope
With this suffocating anxiety
What good is a life
So easily controlled
By all the darkness inside of me
I ache to be free
To float gleefully
Away from this broken reality
And what I actually mean
Is that I'm ready to bleed
Until I am no longer a part of me

Blood means nothing
Unless it's staining the streets
Family has no merit
When they don't even See me

You want me to be passive?
And let them spew racist hate?
And all that "gendered" *******?
You can't stop me, too late

**** the systems that oppress us
These prisons are stealing lives
Locking up innocent people
It's a form of modern genocide

We are all human
But our brothers are killed by police
And our sisters killed for their gender identity
But you'd rather look the other way
And defend hateful "free speech"

I am aware of my privilege
And I will not stay silent
You turn your eyes away from police brutality
But try to preach anti-violence

Our country is run by the white and the blue
While the red is the blood of its people
We need to look up at reality
And stop focusing on the steeples

Your hopes and your prayers
Do not end the violence
Instead they teach hate
And oppressive silence

Theres a tear in my heart
And it hurts like hell
I don't want you to see me
But the pain is real

I'm afraid for when you leave
Because I already feel disconnected
You ask me what I need
But nothing you say can help this

I want to stay in the moment
To feel through this together
I'm tracing the lines in your face
Because you are all I want to remember

I think about family dinners and cards
How we played skipbo instead of poker
And you were ok with being there anyways
Even though it seemed pointless
And now I'm making new memories
But I don't want to lose ours
They're beautiful
They hurt
They remind me of what we were
Before I realized I didn't feel the same

When I left you said you'd miss my family
I didn't realize I'd miss yours so much too
Now your back in your hometown
One I'll never see again
And I'm always back in mine
But you won't be

I think about motorcycle classes
The ones I'll never take
Because all I remember is the DMV
You forgot papers
And I had to go to work
But we got to talk on the drive
That made it worth the seemingly wasted time

Our home that is now so empty
Finally made me feel safe
And though this apartment is basically the same
It's not my home
I don't have a home anymore

Even those days in the old houses
You gave so much light to my darkness
But eventually my demons won
My empty soul could not be filled
By even your genuine goodness
Because I didn't face my feelings then either

I think of the day I proposed to you
I had it all planned out
The food, the picnic, the drinks, the flowers
Our night at the hotel
We watched It's Complicated
Which is pretty ironic now

The lady at the front desk was so excited for us
Even though I couldn't check in alone
Apparently you have to be 21 for that
And we were so young
But we were happy in that moment

I haven't really talked about it yet
Because my feelings don't make much sense
Is this regret I feel?
Or am I just plagued by the pain of knowing just how badly I hurt you?
I am hurting too
And even in those moments
You're still the only one I want to talk to

2 years of memories
2 years of putting up with my problems
You deserve so much more
And I hope you find it one day
Because I couldn't give you what you gave to me
Your unconditional love and safety
I only broke you down
And left you wounded by my mistakes and misjudgment

Ignorance was bliss
And this reality is destroying my sanity
But I need to face these feelings
So this pain can stop killing me

Recently
The person I am now dating
Has come to terms with
His own trans identity
When we met he looked like a girl
But I could sense something within him
Something that resonated with
My own confusing feelings of gender
I asked him if he was trans
And at that point
He used the term nonbinary
I felt really excited about this
Finally there was someone like me
Who definitely was not a woman
But never felt like a man either
It was actually just a space in his journey
And he eventually came out to me again
It's my first time having a boyfriend
Since coming to terms with my queerness
And I love him deeply
But it has not been easy
Mostly because of the fact that
His transition has led me
To come face-to-face with
My own repressed identity
I have to address and recognize
All of my internalized transphobia
Most of which is aimed at the mirror
Fueled by years of denying myself
While I am definitely not a woman
And have never felt like a man
A lot of the time I feel like a boy
And hope that I will pass as such
I am finally ready to really listen to me
And the needs of my identity
To resume my rightful path
On the road to being myself again

I feel like I'm floating
More like free falling
Down down down
Into the darkness of the ocean
No, it's not water though
It's more like sand
Coating my throat with each inhale
Sinking slowly into the cold
Until my heart starts to beat again
As I remember who I am
As I remember what's important to me
This internal heat
Offers me the strength
To crawl through the shadows
Slide between thick layers of oppressive particles
Until my hands break free
Into the sweet clean air
I cannot taste it yet
But I know it's there
Patiently awaiting my return
To the world
To myself
To living

I may not be there yet
But I know one day I will be

My mind preoccupied
Thoughts of you float by
Golden leaves on a gentle stream
Like autumn in the Midwest

Sometimes I get stuck
And it's hard to tell if I'm ok
But I can always tell that I'm unwell
When I get the urge to talk to you
You do not help me
You do not make me feel positive
And yet I have this urge
To speak to you
To give you the power to hurt me
To give you the power to break me
To take me
To abuse me
To use me
Until I am nothing more
Than an object
Your object
Not a person
Not a set of feelings
Emotionless
Dead
Yet serving a purpose
Useful
Meaningful
Something a little more than
The nothingness I feel

You may have damaged my soul
But you don't get to steal my art

It's like I've been trapped in a sea of snow
Frozen into nothingness
Numb to feelings and new experiences
Unable to process anything
As my energy slowly depletes
Leaving me feeling less and less alive.

I have just recently learned how
To elbow out some room to breathe
Some room for me
Just enough to give me hope
Just enough movement
To break cracks into the ceiling.

Hairline fractures barely let in the light
But it's enough to feel a sense of warmth
A fire ignited in my stiff bones
My frozen limbs and organs
Slowly beginning to thaw.

It's hard to know what to do with it
This anger that's much more
Than the nothingness that came before it
I've learned that I have to pace myself
Too much and I'll burn myself
Not enough and I freeze again.

But I am angry.
I'm angry at you
And I'm angry at me.
I just want to be free
From this cell of ice that you built for me.
The one I helped maintain
Because you had your nails dug so deep within me
That I cut myself when you left
To mimic that torment
To attempt to function
Through the withdrawal.

The pain you inflicted fueled me
Made me feel alive
And hurting myself couldn't even compare
Because it wasn't enough.
It wasn't you.
It wasn't us.

I was addicted to your energy
To the power you held over me
To that chaos that mimicked my past
So much so
It felt like home.

And that's where I struggle most
Because history repeats itself
And I should've known
That there was never safety in that home
Just emptiness and loneliness
Anxiety and pain
The need to lie to everyone
To ****** or suffocate pieces of myself
So that I could survive
To be whoever anyone needed me to be

Because I didn't matter
I didn't even exist
So why am I surprised to feel that way again?

Although I've survived this **** before
Now my survival skills are
What keep me frozen in place
And learning to love yourself
Feels way more painful
Than learning to hate.

I miss you every day, as I pretend you never existed
It's the only way I feel ok, but my mind is twisted
I love you, I always will
I just hope feeling alright doesn't always rely on these pills.

I'm not ready to move on, my unconscious clearly shows me that
I'm afraid to go to sleep because I know you'll be there
and when I wake up, I just stare
blankly into the light of my clock, trying not to feel
disappointed in the fact that you'll never be here.

All night, I run from sleep to avoid those dreams I hate
but in the morning I scratch at the door of unconsciousness
begging it to let me back in,
because those dreams are my only escape.

Do you ever feel like forgetting everyone?
Just throwing every friend away like it's nothing?
Often it seems as though I'm nothing to them
So why not be just that?
***** being a nice person
***** everyone taking you for granted
And just do what's best for yourself for once.
Why should i feel like this?
I guess once i can't do anything for someone anymore
It seems the time to move on and let them forget.
I feel as though i am nothing
And it seems they feel the same
So why stick around.

I wanna see the blood
I wanna see the pain
I wanna prove that my body
Is nothing more than a frame
My mind is screaming
Parts of it beg me to bleed
The others demonize those pleas
I just don't want to feel this way anymore
And I suppose it's my own fault
I know how I get
When I start drinking then stop
Maybe that's why I always overdo it
Because then I can get sick and sleep
Before this depression takes its hold
And sets my demons free
Digging and clawing at my mind
Until I do the same to my own skin

All the good memories
Are being washed away
By the ocean waves
Because the thought of your face
Makes my heart break
And I can't stop the streaming tears
I know my choice was right
But I also know that it's killing you
We had so many good times
And now I'm plagued by nightmares
The good thoughts are destroyed
Imploding with the weight of reality
Im so sorry
I'm so sorry
I'm so
Dead inside.
When your entire world comes crashing down
And you just run away from the wreck
Revisiting that graveyard
Plagues your life and soul with undead spirits of what you thought you had
And what you gave up because it wasn't real
All those happy memories
Are now rotting like dead flesh
Because they are a part of me still
But my body is rejecting them
Because they hurt too much to keep alive
My energy is depleting
But I can't let them go just yet
I don't want to forget you.

Friends ain't **** but hell waiting to happen. And even tho you're gone, I'm doing just fine
You were like a chain wrapped around my throat
Tying me back to the places I hate most
And now that we're done
My mind can finally rest
No more kissing ***
I'm taking my life back

It seems so long ago
We were nothing but close
We never had a fight,
Cause we both hated our life
And now that I'm trapped between my dark and her light
You think I'm not good enough to keep in your life

So *******, it's not your fault
**** me, what have I done
*******, for not giving a ****
And **** myself for giving up on this quick

But the time has come for us to say goodbye
You'll still be in my heart, if you're not by my side
6 years later
What have we become
Desensitized to life
Cause we're so ******* numb
From trying to escape
The same hell we came from

So *******, it's not your fault
**** me, what have I done
*******, for not giving a ****
And **** myself for giving up on this quick

So now he's got your back
Yeah you're doing just fine
But you cannot forget all the pain left behind
I know your secrets
I understand your past
I can tolerate your anger
And I saved your **** life
Well I guess you saved mine
A million times too
And I never would have guessed
I wouldn't be lost without you

But I'm dead, I'm ******* dead
I owed you my life but you gave it right back
and now that you left,
I'll just take it myself
Ending this fight
with my own ******* hand

****!
*******
(I'm so sorry)
**** me
(I didn't want this to end)
*******
But you don't even care
So I'm better off dead

Things are constantly changing
But these scars on my skin make me feel better
Because even if everything else falls apart
I know they're always there for me