Dear diary,
Another day
And i cant look her in eyes
Not without wanting to cry, I thought i could trust her. I feel like a fool Although she did warn me But at the same time she was begging me to stay and to be honest i wanted to stay...I really do love her even if not in that way..
I kinda want her back but i dont want to be that puppy that after being neglected for so long i run back to be loved again but discarded the next day.
I dont know if i can handle that again..But i want her, And my desire to keep her around stays strong though i know what will happen..the never ending cycle will repeat again and again. And im getting dizzy and tired of running back, Its hurting me mentally more then anything...
What do i do?
Stay around and try to fix things and hope for the best?
Or Walk away and let it go

My kind of a sweet sibling bonding moment
Is when you love them so much
You jump on them while their trying to sleep
Give them a huge hug
Then strangle them with your whole body not letting them get away till they say that you
Yes you
Are their favorite sister =D
And
That they love you
and know you love them
no matter how mean you might be
Or annoying they are to you
You love them
Now and forever
That they are your very first brother and forever will be
Your First Brother

Deep in the depths of life
Silent
Clear
Dark
But lost

The wind passes under my wings
The beautiful shades of Oranges, yellows, And purple
As the sun sets and says goodnight

And i close my eyes for a free fall...

        When they open the stars and moon say hello
My eyes adjust to the dark quickly
To see a forest
          full of something..
                               Different
The trees had fluorescent speckles of light
And Vines of beautiful flowers hanging from tree to tree
Everything was glowing a eye pleasing blue in the darkness
Everything
Even my scales were glowing but of a glorious Turquoise and purple

The Animals that should be sleeping sing one last lullaby
To ease them into dream land
The trees sing along
and I Danced with the fae

Finally the Lullaby has been sung
Everyone is now fast asleep except me
I Watch over the night sky through the little spaces in the trees
Listening to the calming whistles of the wind
And crickets chirp
            My eyes
begin
          to close
                             Again
And a new free fall begins
Into the world
                                                                ­ Of Dreams

I thought you would stay till the end
and keep what i hold dear to yourself
Not share it with the world
You kind comes so quickly
and i trust you so fast
i cared for you
but
i guess
your
just
another

      F L Y   B Y   N I G H T

Are you going to leave me?
Am i pretty?
Am i fat?
Actually, Do i eat enough?
Should i do that?
Do i deserve him?
Why am i so bad at everything?
Am i just not good enough for the world?
I dont think i could ever do that...
If i could though i might actually be good at it

You
are
so
gullible!!
If someone off the street offered you a piece of candy
Would you honestly take it????
He said with rain running down his cheeks from anxious eyes

Open your eyes
Not everything in this world or rarely anything is all cupcakes and rainbows, Sweetheart

I dont want you to get hurt
because of someone taking advantage of someone so pure
Desperation and vulnerability peeking clearly behind that mask he would wear
as he plead to her

Please
Open your eyes to the way people are
there is good
But only 50% percent of this world chooses to use it

I cant lose you...
It would be all my fault..
What would i even do?
Im going to be honest
i think i would have to end what i have
what is this life worth to me without you in it?
She looks up at him
tears
falling
Sad
eyes
A Gullible
                              A Vulnerable  
                                                 ­                   Little Girl

They embrace each other
still crying their silent tears

I'm ready to leave my cage
And fly on my own way
No more watching others
Day after Day
I have awaited
years for this spark of assurance
that i was ready
And
Now
I am

Im ready

Ready to turn the page
Start a Chapter
A new Adventure

A Change

The shadows watch
They follow and they see
watch the shadows for you will see
their more then just you
Their your monster...
dont run from your monster
dont run for it will win...
Then what?

Tears fall
Words spill
Truth comes forth
And the pain
Kills

"Yeah, well I make the same mistake two or three times, just to be sure it's a mistake and not bad luck. ;-)"

Even the whitest of lies
Turn blood red
                      after they
                                     have been said

I know im not perfect
I know say the wrong things sometimes
I know im not always good at listening
but could you tell me whats wrong?
I can try to be perfect
I can continue trying to say the right things
I can be a good listener
Just please
Whats wrong?
The pain in your eyes cuts at me
Like the blade On the counter
please talk to me
Im here for you
Whats wrong?
I Care about you
I cant see you in this state and not worry
Please
Talk to me
I will listen
We can go through this together
You can take off that Mask you wear
I wont laugh at your weakness
I would never hurt you
Please
Just please tell me
                                Whats Wrong?

Confusion
Sadness
Hurt
Yearning
Lost
Destabilized

                          What is this feeling?

His gaze at me
Is as if looking at a Baby bird
So fragile
Is his touch
The look in his eyes
Pure passion they show
They say
"I love you"
Without doubt
I cant help but believe such words
They are so true in his eyes

Please no more what ifs
They are leaking into my mind
As a Massacre of my faith

Creating Nothing but doubts
A knife stabbing into whats left of Me
Murdering My Soul
My spirit
My hopes
My dreams
My Desires

They are going to be nothing to me soon
Nothing
Unless i can rid of these
Ghastly What ifs

Here
No one judges me
I can live without fear
Without worry
without pain
Im free
                free..
                              Free...
A­t least thats what they told me
They told me im free
They said we're equal

Do i just eat up what they are telling me?
Like the mush they put on my plate  

                                                        ­        Or
                   Try to think for myself and possibly get me and all my friends
                              And Family
                                             Killed

Im scared

           and Its my own fault

I feel so betrayed
I mean
My own head
Myself
Terrifying the life out of me
  To the point of wanting to run to my parents
                                                                ­      and just cry
Just die
So i can stop the what ifs
Stop convincing myself
Stop asking why
So i can live
in death

A New Day
A New Beginning
A Change

I lust you
I love you
I need you
I want you*

Im so confused

What is this?
Lust or love?
Fake or True?
Is everything we say lies
Without noticing

Do we love
                        Or  Do we Lust?

Constant state of fear
Whats going to happen
What is it
How bad will it be
Will i loose him
Did they do something
Did i do something
What to do what to do
I need to stop crying
But i cant
Too Scared
What could happen
What will happen
Wait
Whats happening
I dont know what to do
What to do
What to do
What to do
I need help
What to do
What to do
What do i do

My life is going by
Like
The tick & tock
of a Grandfather clock
Tick
...
Tock
...
Tick
...
Tock
Goes my clock

Your such a fool
I TOLD you im a demon
I TOLD you im toxic and will hurt you
I Told YOU that im a rose with blood on my petals and my poisonous thorns
I TOLD you i dont want you
Yet here you are
Still by my side
Watching your life tick by
With a girl who cant love
Cant smile with you
Or even look you in the eyes
Who will **** you at the touch
Your such a fool

You say you love me
But i dont love you...
I know how awful this is
How selfish it is
How cruel i am
I dont love you..
I love him
Im sorrry..
I am
But i want him
Your just my friend
Not him...Im sorry

You say you understand, How could you understand?
Your not in my head
Your not me
Were alike
But your Not Me

These demons would swallow you within seconds
This darkness would overcome you
You
Could Never understand this
This Guilt
Thats taken over
The Lie im living
God cares? Where is he?
This Fear
Of being alone, left in the dark
The self Hatred
Thats just beginning
Constant Stress
Of failing life
This Depressing state
How could you understand?
My thoughts
How could you understand
Me

"Aw baby girl, Wheres that smile, that brightened every bad day, And made it worth pushing through another?"

"Well dad, You see, Life happened to me, That light i could once see is so faded i barely want to push through the dark anymore."

Weeping willow with your tears running down,
Why do you always weep and frown?
Is it because he left you one day?
Is it because he couldn't stay?
On your branches he would swing,
Do you love the happiness that he would bring?
He found shelter in your shade,
We thought his laughter would never fade
Weeping willow stop your tears,
There is something to calm your fears
You think death has you do forever part
I know he will always be in you heart!

-
Emma Jane Rae

"What do you want do with your life?"
I dont know, Live?
Maybe be a little of a success
Find love?
"Are you a good person?"
Ummm Whats your definition of good person?
And finally
"Who are you?"
....
I dont know
Im a sister
Im a friend
Im a Daughter
Im a different person
around each and every person
How am i supposed to know who i am
When around you im a bit of a attitude teen
Around her im a outgoing, Crazy person thats Happy, with a slight shadow hiding and coming every now and then
Around him Im caring and lovable and an angel with a tint of red
And the shadow still hides Not noticeable except a occasional glimpse
Through the windows of the soul
Around the everyone else Im a shy mess, Clumsy, smart, and weird
Around my parents im happy and occasionally upset and lil depressed, and Rebellious and weird, and silly...
To my brother..Just a sister whos never around but always says she loves him and always means it.

I cant say i know who i am..
Can all this really be me?
Or  is it a new act for every person?
                                                     I dont know anymore

Im so tired
Drag
tired
Stressed
Mentally unstable
Confused
lost
Trapped
Scared
Depressed
Happyyyyy
Empty
Sane ish

Bleh

Blue is spirit and bright
The color and light
Of a wisp
Seeking through the night

Green is life and Joy
The color
Of summer time trees
The smile when you play with a toy

Yellow is the light of the night
Caring and pure
Helps anyone without a fight
They will be be your light

Black is dark but strong
More fragile then portrayed
but do not think them wrong
They still know love
But with the help of another
To light their way

Red is the sweetness of cherries
They will stay by your side
Their heart as pretty as daises
They love more pure then any other color
Just the sight of theirs or another pain
can make their eyes rain

Orange has the spirit of fire
Much like black and yellow
They will light you through the darkness
Until their fire burns out
Then they need a friend
To help them be free
And be the light they used to be

White i think the most confusing
Their hard to see
But When you see them
Their as special as anyone can be
Their quiet but always outspoken

Purple the color of a cats eyes
So watchful and careful
Ever so wise
Dont under estimate this beautiful soul
For it can go out of control
Emotions so strong but held by a string
They might need a friend
To help them find their wings

My light is back
The shadow that once loomed is gone
I can look at sky and actually be thankful for something
I can look to the sky and thank god
Knowing i think he really cares
Knowing i think he listens
I think he does
I think i was wrong
..Im still hoping i am wrong
Granted im thankful
Lil doubt tho is still where is rest before...
How do i rid of it?
How can i believe?
How do i know that was coincidence?
What should i believe?

Theres always that one person that
just
Pushes
Till your so close to the edge
You want to start pulling on them
so you dont fall and break

Today you did it
You only poked me
But it was enough to push me over the edge
As i was falling though
I felt it
The sudden sense of flying

Then i opened my eyes
And there i was starring them in the eyes
Tears streaming
AS we looking at eachother
I know
               Thats what he was wating for
                                That was what he wanted
To watch me fall
Watch me break
Watch my fading light go out
Well
Congratulations
You did it
You win
You see these tears?
The look of betrayal and death in my eyes?
Well thats you reward
I hope your happy
Because you finally did it
Dnot worry about me anymore, Im nothing anymore
Nothing but a shadow

This fire inside me Burns
Like Sticks in a fire
The color of ember
The smell of black smoke
Filling my lungs
Fueling my anger further
All i can think is
I
Hate
you
when i know its not true..
This fire inside is growing
Almost too big to control
Enough to consume
More then just me or you
But enough to consume
Every light thats near and every shadow close
I wont let it take control though
I wont
I wont
I cant
But how do i stop it
When the flames Rise at every
Word or sight of you
Every time i hear your name
The flames grow wild
The heat unbearable to hold in
The smoke making it impossible breathe
How can i control this

What good did you feel in these eyes of a demon?
What Light did you see in this heart of pure black?
...
Why..
Why did you let me hurt you??
Why did you let me push??
..Why did you keep me?
Im toxic
Im a knife
The one that stabbed you
The one that hurt you...
The shadow on your courage..
...
Im Sorry you couldnt see what i was doing..
But im not sorry i left.. Those weeks in darkness were nothing compared to the pain you were going to feel from my sin..

I never knew..
I never knew your eyes were blue
All i knew was i wanted you

I Never knew..
You slit your wrist
Im so sorry i didnt

I never knew..
How hurt you were
I only saw that smile you wore

I Never knew..
You needed me by your side
That is till i heard you say goodbye

Now im here
By your side
Rocking you
Holding you close
Keeping you here on earth
With me
Im sorry i never knew..
But now i do
I will never mistake the smiles you wear
The soul in your eyes
The light you need
Im here, darling
I shan't Leave till the sky is bare of stars
I love you so.

You lied one to many times
Dont you feel the Guilt?
Every lie is like one more cut
Every lie is like one more pound to your shoulders that you cant just shrug off
The trust you once saw has burned
Its now ashes floating in to nothing but darkness.
Dont you see that look
That look in their eyes?
The disappointment
the saddness
the breaking

Roses are Red
Violets are blue
You love me
but im scared to love you
....
My thorns will hurt you if get to close
Please be careful they hurt the most

Dont fall for my blood read pedals
Because im telling you their the devils

I know i seem sweet
But i will make you fall to your feet
....
I hurt them
I will hurt you
Maybe not on purpose
...But i guess its just what i do
...
Im sorry
I really dont want to hurt you
And i would never try
But it always seems to happen to others
I really dont know why...

I love porcelain dolls
How smooth the porcelain is
The creepy eyes
I love how fragile they are
How fragile they feel
How breakable they seem
Thats why i get along with them so well
Were so fragile, Our eyes give it away too
Always looking so sad or even creepy

One to many cracks we break
We just shatter
Not much we can do once we do
I guess you can try to glue us back
But
the glue
will only last so long
its a never ending cycle

We love
We hate
We crack
We break
You glue
      And  just Wait

The stars are my oxygen
What actually keep me here
What make me actually feel
free
Alive
And Real
Such feeling are so precious to me
So so precious
What would a life be
without That certain oxygen that I  NEED
to BREATHE

I would be trapped
Me, A little bird
Trapped in my cage
Watching the world go by without me
Slowly fading
To dust
As my cage closes in
Nothing left to breath
But what little this world can spare
....
Im ever so grateful for the diamonds in the sky
The twinkle it gives to my eyes
The light it gives to my short human life
    Compared to the Immortal diamonds in the sky