Nighttime.
Cars light up my room.

I count.

The moon keeps me awake,
Beaconing.

I can hear you.

Telling me to do it-
Hurt me, you, them...

Everyone.

Thoughts SCREAMING.
Words begging to become actions.

I close my eyes.

Deep, deep, deep breath.
It's just a thought.

Grounded.

Soft sheets, pillows...
Moon, stars, lights.

It's quiet.

Thoughts racing, my minds all over.
Scattered, never at ease.
How do I control it?
Deceitful to my own feelings.
Agenda of different formalities.
Agitated, restless, confused, conflicted.
I feel nothing

Detached and running away from familiarity.
I don’t want you to know me
Attachment is detrimental to my own intense feelings... once connected, I get obsessed, compulsive thoughts piling up and over analyzing everything until I go ****** insane and it never stops and I keep spinning around in circles and I keep doing the same thing and I stay in the trap of my own ****** crazy mind.

I change so naturally, adapting like a chameleon and pretending I am not who I am like it comes so naturally, like who I am in that moment is the real me.

Who am I?
People make me sick.
I sit in my room wanting the be alone.
Abnormal speed of racing thoughts like I am permanently on coke.
But I’m not, it’s just me.

I’m a Taurus ***** with crazy twisted sense of writing that comes from my inability to express myself outwardly.
I express in writing with my Gemini Lilith and Ascendant showing it’s true rawest form in my words.
My Pisces moon hides itself and I have nothing left but to isolate and escape.
But intense feelings and obsessive thoughts arise with my Scorpio North Node and Pluto.

Astro *** and psychic.
Tarot reader and empath...
I am my own ****** nightmare

everything is lined up perfectly, except my mind.
the urge to fix that blanket consumes me
because if i don't clean,
something bad will happen.

obsessive: unwelcome thoughts, images, urges, worries or doubts that repeatedly appear in my mind

compulsive: repetitive activities that i do to reduce the anxiety caused by the obsession

i am constantly submerged
in an overwhelming amount of anxiety
caused by little things normal people
would never notice.

indistinctively I took a hasty step
the ground below my feet rumbled
balancing my way on a thread like lawn
comprehending how it's like to be free

thoughts corrupting my mind
compulsive actions I do like mime
I ask myself countless of times
is there an end to this
once upon a time?

All I have to do is go around the corner
To the other entrance to the parking lot
This should be easy
Driving is easy
I pull up to the road and look both ways
And horror strikes me to my core
The street isn’t empty

My knuckles turn pale as I grip the steering wheel
Like a cross to keep myself from shaking
My foot is on the gas pedal
The direction that this 3,000 pound machine goes
Is under my control
I lose control of my breath

I pull out onto the street

Swerve into the left lane
My mind says
There’s a family next to you
A mother singing along to the radio
A father stressing about his job
A little girl playing video games in the back
Next to her baby brother, still in a car seat
Their lives are fragile
My mind tells me
Slaughter them

I stop at the stop sign and look both ways

Humans are made of paper and glass
They collapse and shatter in a gentle breeze
And with this car I am Prospero
I can call tempests
I can crush their ribcages
Beneath the weight of metal and horsepower
Even if mother and father live
They must live with the empty space
Left behind by their much more tenuous children
I am collapsing under the weight of the power I hold
I am overwhelmed with visions of what I could do
What I might do
What I fear I will do

I turn the corner

I want to reach into my skull
And rip my brain free from its cavity
I do not want it to control me
I have no power over these obsessions
Despite the cocktail of medications I am prescribed
Despite the therapy
The conditioning
I can always pull the steering wheel
These intrusive thoughts will always infect me
They spread from my head to the rest of my body like a disease
I am sick

I pull back into the parking lot

Maybe I hurt myself...

To keep myself from hurting you...

With the thoughts begging to become actions...