I truly am sorry
If you didn’t know.
I never text,
But if I could let you know one thing,
It’s that you do cross my mind
Every now and again.
You met me as the shell of the person I used to be,
You filled my heart,
And I am forever grateful.
I couldn’t be what you were looking for,
But I do hope you find the life and the woman meant for you.
I hope you have happiness.
And even if we simply went different directions in this world,
I wish you well.

Love always,
The girl who wasn’t the One for you, but some day you will be so grateful that she wasn’t.

The universe is trying
To tell me something
Leaving clues for me to find
Hinting something
But I haven't solved the puzzle yet.

4/18/16

Scattered like seeds,
I've told my secrets here
And there.
Never too many;
They don't root anywhere
Or get a chance to grow.
No little birdies can go and spread them around.

Just when I think I've learned it all
Something comes and blows my mind
By the time I have picked up the scattered pieces of my brain,
You've already shot me again.

12/9/15

If you ever think that you are a story no one would ever read, then there is something you don't know. You are more than that. You are the girl that people can't get out of their heads. They'll run in circles if you asked them to. A mystery that no one will ever solve unless you want them too. You are the woman that people write novels about. The classic and the modern. Someone who will never quite escape their minds, because you are so very extraordinary. And it is scary to know that we will never come across someone quite like you because you have that special glow.

-4.   Know this is the path to a     breakup
-3.   Try to fix things
-2.   Ugly cry in a car because you
         know everything has all gone         so terribly wrong
-1.    Get drunk, get high, smoke    something      
  0.   You break up
1. You don't know how to feel
2. Cry into your pillow at night
3. Convince yourself you did the right thing
4. Dream about him
5. Cry more and listen to sad songs
6. Hate being awake
7. Think about posting indirect messages to him
8. Write letters. Lots of them
9. Google what to do
10. Consider taking him back
11. Google why this happened
12. Forget the bad stuff and only remember the good memories
13. Google if it's your fault
14. Talk about him 24/7
15. Make plans to talk to him after a month
16. Lots of quotes saved to your phone
17. Screenshot things that make you laugh too
18. Miss him
19. Be a better friend
20. Binge watch
21. Occasional setbacks
22. Remember that he was an *******, and he made you hurt
23. Talk to other guys
24. Compare them to your ex
25. Start to be see that you're happier
26. See a hopeful future
27. Run into them
28. Feel like the world is crushing you
29. Find out they've been seeing someone else
30. New music playlist, "Moving On" featuring songs about karma and awful exes
31. More writing
32. Throw away his ****, delete his photos and number, unfollow him on social media
33. Keep busy
34. Realize this is the end. The for real end
35. It gets easier, and you get stronger
36. If he begged you to come back what would you do?
37. You wouldn't even want him back at this point
38. It's been one month, and you didn't notice like you did when it was 1 week
39. Friends. Friends. Friends.
40. Enjoy being free and doing things for yourself
41. Those songs don't hurt the way they used to
42. Start thinking about other things
43. Feel proud
44. Focus on what's really important to you
45. Keep going
46. Smile
47. ...

We danced all through the night,
Far too long
Kicking up dust
Until we could no longer see each other.

12/19/15

Deleted,
Deleted what I feel,
I know what I should do,
But what fate will that seal?

4/24/16

Okay, here it is.
You drive me crazy.
Some nights I want you to just kiss me already.
And then other days, I want to strangle you.

And then you smile at me like I'm the reason you're happy.
Then you go and make her feel that way too.

You say something mean
And later tell me you are interested in me.

Say it doesn't matter,
Say the opposite.
And then "What do you want?" You ask me. "Is it me?"

But I don't even know who you are.

4/19/16

Don't worry about me,
Or maybe you should,
I'm lost and terrified,
But isn't everyone else?
Don't worry about me
Because I won't try to leave
As long as you're by my side.

11/24/15

So foolish
Seemed wise,
I thought I saw something
In your eyes

So foolish
Seemed wise,
But the light had gone
And died

4/12/16

Beginning of the end.
Seems crazy to think about the days when
You couldn't get enough of being my boyfriend.
A million text messages everyday you'd send,
Now I'm lucky if I get ten.
What are we doing? Are we playing pretend?
Used to get a "Good morning, beautiful" when I'd wake and
Everything's divided between now and then.

I've got my bags packed but I can't seem to leave.
I try so hard not to doubt because I want to believe
Because I don't want you to go away but we've
Become something I never dreamed.
Can I play naive?
But when I feel you pulling away it's hard to breathe.
This doesn't make sense, let's think a minute please...

These days, I listen to break up songs,
But I keep a happy beat so I can sing along.
It's not all sad, sometimes we talk for so long,
And it feels like we're playing ping-pong,
Was I going crazy for thinking it was wrong?
But then I watch the clock, and I realize you're gone.

So I find my own thing to do,
Seems like you only want me when I pull away too.
Right now your edges are bleeding blue,
So I wait for you to change your hue.
As I'm lacing up my walking shoes,
Where are you?
You got a new tattoo,
I guess now you're disappearing into Blink 182.
One day I'll see you clear in my rear-view,
But today I hold on because it's hard to say adieu.

Frosty beads of sweat,
Like diamonds on her necklace,
Gather at hairlines

If you think you're
the only boy
to say that,
you are
very
wrong.

I had to close the door.
Because you were-
We were
Becoming strangers
Getting to know
Each other.
I had to close the door
Because I need to
Have faith
He will open another.

I was too slow for you, honey,
Like cold honey.
You never grew tired
Spinning your wheels, burning your tires.
Now look, it didn't take long
Because you've already said "So Long".
On the floor when we'd lie,
I guess you were always just a lie.
It isn't something I miss,
I just need to know if I was once your only Miss.
I think probably not.
I think it was all for naught.

Too many sweets,
I need substance.
I tell myself the candy is good for me,
But I've known all along it isn't.
I feel strong, but
It's hard to swallow
The truth.

12/9/15

Get up girl, you got **** to do. Those tears will dry and you'll be alright. It'll take some time, but you know that, so let yourself feel, but don't dwell, don't let your head go under. One day, this'll be a scar on a girl you once knew.

Where did they go?
Little girls,
They grew up and became clones.

4/4/16

The precious stones I collect,
I share some with you
Always picking them up
Don't even notice when our rocks have fallen
I know I should have a basket
But it's so like me
To think I can hold them all on my human own.

4/11/16

One day you're gonna miss me. And maybe that day hasn't come. That day doesn't have to be today. It doesn't have to be soon at all. In the cycle of days, you can pack your life so crowded that there will be no room for me.

But eventually there will be a crack to slip through, and there I'll be.

You'll wake up one morning. Or be climbing into bed. You'll be riding in your truck. Cracking open a cold one. You'll be watching your feet leave tracks in the snow or mud. Your phone will go off. You'll be out with someone new.

It doesn't matter where you are or what you're doing. It doesn't matter how long it takes. You're going to think of me. You're going to remember my touch, the way I smiled, walked, cried, danced...

Then you're going to miss how I cared. Miss seeing me. Miss me saying, "I love you." Miss the way my words made you feel. You'll even miss the prickle on my legs when you ran your hands up and down them.

Like old letters I wrote you and things I gave you, the memories of me will spill out from places you didn't know they'd hide.

One day you're gonna miss me.

What's going on in this mind of mine?
I say the past is the past but maybe that's a lie,
Because every night I find myself crying.
No, I couldn't tell you the reason why,
I feel guilty like this life is a crime,
So what's the point to keep trying?
Then I wrangle my thoughts to keep em in line
Though it's the dark place in myself I always find.
Tell me to rethink what's going through this mind,
Tell me again that I'm beautiful and kind.
But soon the hours in the day start to grind,
And it's back to the fight to even climb.
I've played this track too many times.
And since every bad thought rhymes,
I pray for a change.

I thought I wanted you,
Hoped and prayed you'd be mine,
But I can't understand why,
If given the matches,
I would burn the bridge.

2/7/16

Everyone is smiling
And they aren't happy
They're laughing
At nothing
And I'm just so tired
Can you please just stop lying
You aren't happy
It wasn't funny
And now you're so mad
At me
Because I peeled off your mask.
My heart is pounding
And I'm shaking
But I'm not suffocating

Never a smile or a laugh when it's me talking.
You move when I come near.
Are we the same pole of the magnet?
My eyes can never leave you for long,
Yet yours are trained to anywhere else,
And they never meet.

1/28/16

I can see in your eyes,
And feel in my heart.
Do you know why we are drifting?
I am not the only one to change in this.
I am too wild,
Yes, I am reckless
And hard to catch.
I know, but I see hesitation in your smile.
You hate this person,
And I cannot stand to stay if you will sit
Atop a pedestal.
Life keeps pulling us in our directions,
And you've fallen into the arms
Of someone
Who looks a lot like Jesus to you.
And if he is to become your whole world,
Then I cannot be a part of it.
And if he is to become your theology,
Then I have a different faith.
Maybe fate will tie itself into the knots it wants,
But it is hard to hear you from this distance,
From here, I can't make out what your face looks like anymore.

She wrote about roses,
A petal in every prose.
She talks of someone and glows
Hits the breaks and slows.
Who makes her bloom?
A lost bride or groom?
Something grown in the wild?
A sweet little child?
Her sorrow is a garden,
Heart will never harden.
She wears her words like a crown,
She pulls them up from the ground.
A story weaved into a wreath,
Memories picked like leaves.
Poems like flowers in a bouquet,
Who does she silently serenade?

Think maybe I was meant to be your September.
The colder it gets,
The colder I will too.
Football games and Ferris Wheel lights can be memories of last week.
“You will find the one some day,” I say,
So you tell me you wish it was me.
“I know.” But
Let’s just call this September.

Your arm is always there
To snake around me
And when I am weak,
Even when can't stand it
I want to fall back on you.
I want to thrash against it
Want to scream, cry, fight,
But my fist is only caught by shards of mirror glass.

2/7/16

Here is another something
About nothing
Or everything
To you it is nothing
Of course because I've never told you
Or even put the thoughts together to make a coherent sentence.
So this is nothing
But it is everything.

12/21/15

Turn on the radio baby,
Play something country,
Make it an oldie.

Something sad sounds wrong,
Just make it a love song,
One we can sing along.

Honey, say you got nothing to do.
Kick off our shoes,
And we'll pretend the lyrics are about me and you.

Remember when I called you cold?
Even if I was right,
What was so wrong with that?

And after being burned
By the sun,
I'll jump into your icy vat.

If you want me to,
I can be your warmth,
And you can be my hat.

Watch you
Miss me
Finally.
All it takes is time,
Watch me
Walk away
Finally,
After missing you
The long while.
All it takes is time.

You can make the move,
You can raise the stakes,
You can give your poker face,
You can call check mate,
You can devise the strategy any way you like,
I know it will be perfect with that clever mind of yours.
You can do whatever you like,
You can laugh a victor's laugh,
But I've folded,
And we've lost.

10/27/15

I  dropped the cigarette,
Ground it into the dirt,
Watched the embers die out.
They told me it was bad for me.
I guess they're right.
I dropped the cigarette,
Let it die out.

He walks in
His head never down
And his eyes never frown

A boy to never
Play by the rules
And won't ever
be taken a fool.

He does not lose
Because the world is his
A bomb in the hand of a little kid

A fire to blaze
In fire he will douse
Never to let a flame die out

I am not the girl who sits by the phone waiting for you to call

I am not the girl who will tell you that she misses you

I am not the girl who will whisper to you how she really feels

I am not the girl that will ask you to come over tonight

I am not the girl you will drape your long arms around

I am not the girl hanging onto your every word

I am the girl you are frustrated with because I am not that girl.

Am I like her?
So brilliant, so kind,
Ahead of us all shining high?
Laughter a song,
Silence a book,
Stories told
Don't need a hook?
A lovely goddess
That makes you sigh?
Or am I just a lamp you wouldn't buy?

4/24/16

'Twas quite some time ago,
Since I was hardly full grown,
And I found myself in a traveling circus show.

They called me the Great,
Cheered when I walked through the gate,
Because I was the one for which they would all wait.

With a proud, young grin,
Take my hat by the rim,
Never cease to amaze the ladies and gentlemen.

I met a girl who said she'd only one day be a wife.
So I offered her the glamour of my uprooted life,
She took a vow, a tarnished ring, learned the art of throwing knives.

She carried a kid on the ride,
We sat side by side
Though I didn't know where, when sometimes she'd hide.

Even so young as this
I got myself an apprentice,
Like a brother, who almost finished my every sentence.

We performed all the tricks,
Trade off or switch,
It wasn't long before I could see us as rich.

Then one night, as the show was leaving,
She pulled me aside and with sob-filled pleading,
Begged to stay for the baby that was teething.

Said she would go,
If I left, I'd be alone,
But how could I choose between my love and my home?

I left her late in the night
Snuck away when she closed her eyes.
With that poor old baby who loved to cry and cry.

Then when a few years or so had passed,
And my apprentice had disappeared long back,
I went back to my wee little lass.

But imagine my surprise to see
She had more children than the one from me,
And to think she'd also stolen my dear apprentice, Henry!

I hope that I lurk in the corners of your mind, creeping out into the light when you're alone.
I hope that when you hear my name, your heart secretly hammers in your chest.
I hope that you stare at the back of my head when you think no one is looking.
I hope that when you imagine your future children, they have my eyes.
I hope that the sweetest part of your favorite song is reserved for thoughts of me.
I hope that you are most completely and utterly wrapped around my little finger.
Now aren't I selfish?
I hope you are too.

I run my tongue along my teeth
And it feels like it should be yours there
Because I put words in your mouth anyway.

I hope you don't shy away from opportunities
And sometimes live in the moment, but don't take unnecessary risks and make avoidable mistakes

I hope you learn that it's okay to make mistakes and learn to enjoy learning new things, even if you aren't good at them

I hope you don't give up and miss a chance to see what you could have accomplished
However if you do, I hope you don't dwell, and instead move on, making the most of the door you've chosen- it may be better than you anticipated.

I hope you make new friends who will teach you and help you grow in the direction you need. Don't let your old friendships fade when time seems to be an obstacle.

Love and forgive yourself. You make mistakes. So does everyone else. I hope you won't take things so seriously and personally because you
are you.

Speaking of which, do you. Don't let yourself be ruled by others' opinions because in the end, shouldn't you be doing what you love, not what they do. That's for them; This is for you.

Give yourself to relationships making sure you invest in the ones you care about. Cut negative, unnecessary sources from you life. Learn to say no. There will always be that person, so you might as well learn how to do
it now.

But I want you to live. I want you to experience so much, realizing you only get to once. Try new things a least once. Listen to advice, decide if it's worthwhile. I hope you always do your best. Live like the movies and mimic the cliches, making sure you are original too. Let your heart beat and let yourself feel.

4/18/16