It is too late -
Your name has already carved itself
into a song- and what an ironic song
you chose to represent yourself with...
I will remember you for centuries,
it says but let's remember
that the feeling is mutual;
You will not forget me now and then.

You will not forget mind numbing kisses,
you will not forget holding me
as if our lives depended on it.
And cursedly, I will not forget you;
I will try to, but everything
will start to resemble you.

Even these words - are they getting you
out of my own head or are they
digging my grave just an inch deeper
into dirt - dirt you dug out, just for me,
with a smile, a ribcage, and
a heartbeat that feels like my tombstone
teasing me, beating down the seconds until
my heart stops, *just for you.

You are dangerous,
that smile of yours
should be a crime,

The wrists of my mind
carry the bleeding lines,
So please do me a favour;
don't give up on me.

You're my nicotine,
don't give up on me,
You're my nicotine,
don't give up on me,
You're my drug,
my favorite hug...

Anything could happen
but I know,
I'd ache all over again
just to love *you.

Being love drunk... the feeling of you losing control, shaking and more shaking.
Losing all control, being aware of it, and begging for more. Smiling...but not just any smile..those goofy smiles they write about in novels.
Being love drunk...if things go your way, it would be purgatory, cleansing you from all those that had burne dyou before, cleansing way your scars without the salt but with the sky's stars. Your eyes will sparkle and you'll want to skip testing the waters with one foot - you'll want to dive, even if the consequence is death - at least you'll die happy.
If things don't go your way, your roses will still bloom, but you'll need to trim away the weeds, one tear at a time. One run by the ocean at a time.
One skip of "our song" at a time.

Cradle me in your bones,
teach me the meaning of home,
I'm lost in this feeling of numbness,
My heart is gone,
replaced by a stack of bricks
and no matter how much
I strive and twist,
I feel absolutely nothing,
The crannies in my mind
have never been so
mind numbing,
I feel nothing at all
*and it feels so un-natural.

Tar

Remorse is a fundamental *****
you just don't seem to possess,
and so your mistakes are repeated
over and over and over
and it never matters to you
because they're just another
bad habit you can't be
bothered to break,
and I couldn't stay with you
because staying with you
to feel happy,
was like smoking to let
my lungs breathe.

I hope you feel my absence
as a mighty wallop of pain
all over your chest,
and I hope your lungs
will be coated in regret,

Our friendship was a cigarette;
alluring, seemingly okay,
addictive;
our friendship was another
bad habit I inevitably fell into,
but maybe I'm thinking
of the wrong bad habit.
Friendship is not a bad habit,
the bad habit was
you.*

Excuse me if I quit.

Methanol*

You were my first secret handshake
but handshakes are history,
why should I befriend a snake,
when I could avoid the misery?

I'm not imploding from the pain
of having no real closure,
no need for guilt to
build my heart a terrain
over your lack of composure.

The smiles you saw
after I pulled the trigger,
after my deed,
were a symptom of no remorse,
no blister
for plucking power out of a ****.

Sometimes, I wish
I was as deep as the surface -
only what you see in front of you.
It bothers me that when
people look into my eyes,
they don't see pupils
enveloped by blue,
they become mesmerized
and tell me they can see the ocean
and they're **** right;
in my soul there is an ocean
of threatening commotion,
but I wish it weren't visible
by simply looking at me.

I wish people would not tell me
that I am an open book
because I know that
I am the complete opposite;
what I tell you is just
scratching the protective walls
I immerse myself in,

Don't dare tell me you can read me
when my mind speaks in
linguistic hieroglyphs
not even I comprehend at times,
let alone you, a complete stranger.

Acetone*

I don't hesitate like I used to;
I know nothing of grey,
grey knows nothing of me.
You're a cigarette lighter,
your name slowdancing in my mind,
a violent waltz.

I tiptoed around you,
afraid to be set ablaze
but now my extinguisher's
not working
and I can't help but hold your gaze.

I've been told we're too young,
too young to set ourselves alight,
and too fragile for exposure.
But I also know if I'd never tried
I would have never found closure.

I am going to
immortalize you
in all the most lovely
poetic ways,
but not in shades of blue.

I am going to immortalize you,
give this snowing
weather a break,
give my mind
something new to taste;

It tastes like the smell
of a favourite meal being cooked
on a bad day,
it tastes like a good day,
it tastes right.

Although my most
relatable poems
have been about
suffering and pain,
I want to depict a new picture,
illustrate the vibrant yellow
in my brain.

Because as long as I feel this,
as long as it's real,
I don't care to make relatable rhyme because this happiness is mine.

Anti is a character I've created, not a new poet name. And because characters have their own voice, Anti gets stand - alone poems without my name at the bottom of it. Because it's Anti speaking. The poems between Anti and I are exchanges of conversation, and they go in the order that I post them.. just letting everyone know, in case someone was wondering.
Comment your thoughts!!

Thankyou,

- Crimsyy

An explosion of art in my soul,
from tragedy I birth a masterpiece
as this world hoards disorder,

You will not make a madhouse out of me,
you will not haunt me when
everything falls apart,
I will not see the "us" in rust,
from rust, the world implodes
but from the rust, I grow

There is chaos out there,
and sometimes, I find it hard
to just float and breathe,
I find it hard to not drown in the noise,
I find it hard to determine
what I should perceive,

And at times, I let
my mind bury me in ashes,
I let you bury me in ashes,
but watch me strike a match
on all the wasted anger and anguish;
I don't think you can defeat me.
There are no weapons
to knock down my walls of chaos.

I know that everything has changed;
apart from my name,
nothing much is the same.
Now I wonder if awareness
is equal to happiness,
because somehow
moments stayed longer in my mind
when they were an inhale
I didn't bother to memorize.
Now I'm a museum
filled with stains
from all the different kinds
of pain,
now I'm dipped in paint,
dipped in so many colours,
aiming to complete
a thousand pictures,
not content with just one.
Now I'm confusing
hunger for love,
and my heart has lost
its gravity;
my ribs are its cage,
one my wild heart won't escape.
And now that I've walked
a road filled with scars,
instead of tears,
I'd like to swallow the stars.

Uncertainty is flourescent,
a flashing neon sign,
emotions blurred,
mind matter stirred,
Thoughts of decay
send me astray,
flames extinguished
cannot turn mind matter to ash,
Oh I hate when they ask
for a reason, a reason
This is more than just a bad season.
My smile is evanescent,
the fight decadent,
I cannot recognize this
numb reflection,
I cannot recognize
*my skin, my skin, MY skin.

We won't be friends for long,
I'm sorry but you've done me wrong.
You've dug a hole in my mind,
and I can see in black
but you've made me colourblind.
I've grown accustomed to
having you around,
I've grown accustomed to
your white noise.
But surrendering was never my choice,
I want nothing less than gold,
I never wanted my soul to be sold...
I've spent too many nights
crumbling, folding, imploding
I've spent too many days
wearing a mask that portrays
that my mind is okay...
I've spent too much time in your shade,
I want to see the sun again,
I'm afraid I'll lock you in the very cage
you made for me,
and this time *I'll be free.

You used to ease my pain,
in you I placed my trust
but trust's a broken bicycle
and now the bicycle rusts,
I'd go miles to
make you smile insane,
but now you won't do the same

We lost our spark,
sweet notes and goodnight
before the night
grew teeth in the dark,
I'll hold your hand forever,
Let go never.

The day has claws,
you know the wars I wage
and you leave me
at the monster's jaw,
ready to be taken away,
I love peace but
you're on my last nerve,
I'm tempted to
cut the ties that bind me to you.

We lost our spark,
no more sweet notes
and goodnight,
I'm a prisoner of the dark,
You'll hold my hand never,
Let go forever.

Stearic Acid*

Out of your mouth came
the good intentions,
out of your deeds,
you were a contradiction,
with contrasting actions.
Such a contradiction of a girl,
such a faker up front.
Don't deny that you would speak
when I was absent,
don't deny that you couldn't
even be happy because
all you knew how to be was
immaturely jealous.
You lured me in with that
saccharine smile and the embraces,
but you pushed me away
with the contents of
your foul mouth.

Nicotine*

Your mother told me
I'd miss you this year -
I already knew.
I wish I could tell her
everytime I've had to
shove a blade of tears
down my throat so
no one would have to
watch my eyes bleed it.

The problem is, I
miss you quite easily,
I still need to build up
my resistance, but even then,
I would not be able to
ignore your absence
the same way you cannot ignore
a gap in between your front teeth.

I will have tearful nights
because my lips will ache for yours,
and my limbs will feel too isolated.
I will have days where I
will be in shades of black
like a funeral,
but that will be how I'll know
that I'm fully alive,
because I'll miss you so.

So I won't be able to ignore
your absence,
but maybe I'll put it to the side
until all the upcoming times
we'll see each other again,
and then I will let it all
take over me
and give into you, sweet nicotine.

i watch the sunset
to remember that endings
can be beautiful too
and i didn't cry because
the world keeps on going on
and keeps on going on
even when we walk away
and break all the promises
that said we would stay

you can't force a dead feeling
back to life, so
just accept it all turned to dust
because what stood inbetween
familiarity and the unknown
had expired long before
you realized there was a lack
of affection

when a feeling is dead,
you can't force it back to life
and politeness can't
erase familiarity
so familiarity just hangs there,
awkward in the air
and it goes deliberately ignored
because you can't force
a dead feeling back to life,
and that's okay.

- crimsyy

a/n: thankyou for reading  (:
i would really appreciate if you'd comment your thoughts on this poem.

Your doll face, fragile like a china doll
and your heart, even more breakable,
this, a felony,
to break your heart is a crime
but I can't let you waste
any more of my time,

This, the result of
unrequited attention,
I wasn't there just
to cause your *******,
I don't care what's in your pants,
I only care what's in your heart,

And it's not me, the way
you made me believe,
but babe I won't be fooled;
I've been playing hard to deceive,
I see right through everything,
deep down you're *****,
and my love will be your biggest stain,
because I'll move on,
but you'll never forget my name.

Ammonia*

A grudge...
maybe that's what
I'm holding for you.
A heavy package made of steel,
settled in my heart,
pleasing its own needs of
comfortability,
reminding me to
spit at your
parasitic picture of love.

We just need to hear
you say sorry,
my grudge and I,
in need of apologies
so much
we'll take it artificial.

"Excuse me?" our heart inquires,
"I'd like some oxygen."
But we can't listen to it,
not when there's so much to lose;
self respect, dignity.
We can't listen to that
stupid, little thing,
when there's so much justice
awaiting us.

Buried beneath bruises
and seas bluer than blue,
skies blacker than black,
and souls crueler than cruel,
I search for myself
in a world of copy and paste.

Have you ever felt so dead
you started hating the grave?
Have you ever felt so dead
all you wanted to do,
all you wanted to be
"when you grew up"
was happy and alive?

I know my identity
and who I aspire to,
I'm just an amateur
in a sea of "professionals"
I don't aspire to be
a clone of a "star" ,
I'll determine whether
I've gone far.

Do you know my scars?
Have you seen the
blood in my mind?
Someday you'll be grateful
I was kept alive.

I'll slip, I'll fall,
don't voice your opinion
thankyou,
failure is just a bruise,
not a tattoo
and clearly we share
different views on success
and making dreams come true..

Tell me just one thing;
Have you mastered life,
or has life mastered you?

Your kisses are a bundle of nerves
and the more we lean back
the more we can feel our shattered spines
but having lived is
worth being paralysed,
your hugs are safety
I can never detach myself from,
conjuring up sighs in me
I never get the chance to speak of.

Do you ever stop to
think about our kisses?
Are they merely just an
exchange of saliva to you?
When we kiss, everything
inside of me travels inside you.

Your mouth is a
profound curtain,
though i don't know
if it's witnessing
love at its truest
or a cruel lie disguised
as intimate affection,
but nevertheless,
my mouth lingers on yours
like a leech
as if saliva is now blood,
and as if you are now
my bloodstream.

Fill me up to the brim,
I want all your love,
Make my cup overflow,
I want all your love
or absolutely nothing.
Mum, dad,
I think I'm inlove
with a ghost,
and I'm his haunted house
He haunts me all night long,
Mum, dad,
He's taking up too much
space in my heart,
I fear he'll rip me apart
like all my anonymous notes
declaring love that would never
be given back
but that's backtrack;
here and now,
he's mine,
he's mine until I finally catch fire,
Until love expires.

Her head spinning,
her head numb,
and yet she refused
to leave

And maybe that
was all it took,
a selfless gesture
to make me feel
loved and understood

She said
"I really don't want to
leave you alone tonight,
will you really be alright?"

I'll certainly try.

I can feel my drive alive and kicking,
I have done enough
collapsing and sinking,
and now I have no more time for you,
no time to soak in the blues,
Head up high,
I won't be overthinking.

You pout because you know
I'm not a fragile thing,
I walk away,
your words and looks lose their sting,
I know this isn't what you're used to,
and my self belief is new for you,
Less talk, more walk,
Now I'm the one creating distance.

I'm on a different track,
and my body holds a poet
and she's biting back.
One thing's for sure;
I let you walk out that door
because I have grown
to thrive more on my own,
And your superficiality
has caused your social fatality,
And now you know
I don't beg anymore,
I don't hesitate anymore,
I've reclaimed my throne,
extracted you from my bones.

I can't understand
why everybody is so infatuated
with the idea of
having it "all figured out."
I don't understand my crippling
fear of not knowing;
where did it come from
and who planted its seed?
Because this fear of not knowing
is the forest living within me,
feeding itself with
my paralyzing thoughts
and if I could,
I'd ask it all to stop.
Life is being portrayed as
some puzzle we all need to complete
and I fear stumbling;
I fear the human act of
making a mistake,
because Heaven forbid,
something goes left
instead of right.

You're "sorry" but...
what does that mean?
You're remorseful, you're regretting,
sure, if I'm lucky,
you'll cry a few tears...

But are you really sorry?
Or is sorry just a convenient lie
to keep me by your side?
How long can I love a person
that ***** with my mind?

This is love gone wrong,
I'm a puzzle you just
can't complete
no matter how well
your kiss flows
no matter how many pecks
on my forehead you give.

It is

my own mind

that hinders me

from feeling freedom

hit my wings and make me fly.

It is my own tired mind

it is me so beg my blood to flow

Will you sweep up my mess for me?

My broom broke long ago.

I clothe myself in
memories of you;
They're all hanging in my closet
my closet, my clothes, my bones
Yet somehow the coats that
once belonged to me no longer
block out the chill in my heart.

But my paper heart is stubborn,
It never learns,
It plays with lit matches
then cries when it's burned.

I struggle among the rubble
my own chaos caused,
a victim of a disguised disaster
and there is nothing natural about it...

Self destruction goes against
 **nature's laws.

Nicotine*

Distance has its teeth
biting into my flesh,
and my relentless cravings for you
are a knife,
slowly slicing my sanity away.

I have a tendency
to turn self destructive;
I'll swallow you whole now,
or go without until I'm desperate,
no inbetween,

And so I take cut after cut,
bite after bite,
because I've made a home
for the withdrawal aches;
maybe this is what love looks like.

I heard you cried some tears
over me on the phone to
my best friend,
I heard you blamed me
in the end,
but how could you have
expected me to stay,
when you were chasing me away?

You couldn't be peaceful,
I couldn't be resourceful
enough to split myself in two.
You were resentful,
all sentimental,
while I was trying to
comfort my torn heart.

I heard you cried some tears
over me on the phone to
my best friend,
but I feel no guilt for
starting this end.

I don't want to write rhymes,
I want to tear my pain apart
into perfect, delicate
rectangular pieces
and feed it to my friends,

Then I want to rip their flesh apart
and feed it to my pain,
I want to give them rain,
let their prayers for sunshine
be in vain,

I don't want to destroy a wall,
I want to burn all the cages inside me,
I don't want a key,
I want to knock a door down,
and I don't want to bandage you,
I want to cure me.

Either I can swim or
I'd rather sink,
Either a storm or
not even a drizzle;
teach me balance, please.

Acetone

We're very much alike,
the flame, you, and I.
We all just exist
because we were meant to be,
much like the reason
behind our love,
the reason behind
my "I love you,"
the reason why
my eyes always sparkle for you.
I can't quite name it,
can't retrieve it
from the cemetery
in my mouth.
But it's *there.
*****.
Beautiful.



**Thankyou so much for reading! Please comment your thoughts or feedback on this one. ^.^

that night, my stomach
cramped up the nerve to ask
if i had gotten the sick out of me,
i tossed my response
in the form of mixed media
liquids, solids,
and amongst other things,
last night's dinner

my impulses don't know
how to punctuate
there are no commas
no full stops
I'm sorry sweetheart
perhaps i should have
warned you before
but understand i don't just
want to dive in with you
i want to drown in
all the warmth
so drown with me

that night, my stomach
cramped up the nerve to ask
if i had gotten the sick out of me,
i tossed my response
in the form of mixed media
liquids, solids,
last night's dinner,
and amongst other things
his name or maybe yours
you see, i remember
all the things gone bad,
conversations him and i
never got to have
but lately i've been keeping
my face towards the sunlight

my entire being is reacting,
making metaphors out of
12 a.m vomiting incidents,
my entire being is reacting
even when my body is still,
i am still trying my very best
to get the sick out of me.

- Crimsyy

a/n: thankyou for reading! for anyone who's wondering, the 12 a.m vomiting incident that inspired this entire poem did actually happen and it was terrible. Hopefully the poem is better (:

I can measure how much
more I can take from you
by how many seams I pull apart
just to be able to
adorn your face with a smile,
but I can no longer stay
can no longer feel this way,
you push me into a volcanic eruption
of self destruction
and now my patience
and tolerance cease,
I'll have to leave,
but please live on,
live on like you never knew me,
live on like you never
kissed away my blues
because a ghost cannot say
"I love you."

Acetone*

What a day it will be
when we'll discover that
underneath our overworn sheen
is a layer of untouched rust,
smothered with lust.

And then with a scalding cry,
our minds will shatter,
splitting our belief of love
in half, where it's always been.

We will extirpate
all our memories,
as if the stars never
decorated the sky,

And when someone
inquires why,
you can tell them what we had
was only a velleity
branching out of our hearts.

Hey everyone!
I'm just letting anyone know that from the 1st of December to the 1st of January, I won't be posting any poetry, because I won't be writing any - it is time for a break. Every year, it happens at about this time that my creativity decides to hibernate, and so for an entire month, I'll just be collecting new material, expanding my vocabulary and planning a new series!

- Crimsyy

one day maybe i'll stop
turning everything i look at
into gold

will i stop because i want to, or because i think i should?

i turn a thunderstorm
into a perfect night,
lamp on, window open,
heart happy

one day maybe i'll stop
turning every person i look at
into gold

but this is not the poem
where i apologize for seeing
the best in everyone
without even trying

this is not the poem
where i ask to be excused
this is not the poem
where i regret every time
that seeing the best in someone
took the worst toll on me

this is the poem
where i fully embrace alchemy
and all the beauty it
has let me see.

- crimsyy

a/n: why apologize for feeling and seeing until you burst? if you have a big heart, show it proudly - there's no need to apologize for it.

Butane*

You were toxic to me,
you only used me,
but loyalty didn't let me see that,
because I didn't want to see that.
I wanted to ignore the little things
you did that annoyed me,
I wanted to ignore all the jokes
that were too cumbersome with reality.

I wanted to ignore it all when
you began to leave me behind,
I wanted to tell myself it was
all in my mind.
And do you know how ill that makes you-
to feign one's own insanity in
order to not see reality, which is
even more insane?

You attempted to strangle my
inelastic lungs in their small ribcage,
but today, if I see you,
I am reminded to breathe deeper
(luckily we do not breathe the same air)
because now you are no one to me,
just a dull face amongst the others,
no flame or spark ignited.

6 minutes to 12 am,
I'm your prisoner again,
my breath stains the windows
of this house,
this house is asleep.

Won't awaken to my needs,
Won't keep me full,
my soul needs a feed,
Cannot differentiate
my happiness from my sadness
both are equally opposites extremes.

This is nothing permanent,
Just my mind gone funny,
drained from the ways
I spent my day,
I have this tendency to
take a step forward and leap
and keep running from
what my mind binds me to,
I don't want to feel for you,
I don't want to feel for anyone anymore.
If you leave, at least
shut the ******* door.

Toluene*

My soul still suffers from palpitations
when it hears your name,
those overused butterflies are nothing
compared to the drunkenness swimming in my brain.

Just your arms and your chest
feel like my safety zone,
shutting the world out,
I've no need to roam.

I hate how unbearable it is to leave,
how absence clings,
I love you but I do wish
missing you wouldn't
make my eyes sting.