I lie down by the dandelions
To sleep a peaceful sleep
I rest my head on the green bed
Going somewhere down, deep

I move my lips to make a sound
Words don’t seem to follow me
So I hover my hands to show
Try to make you see all that I feel

I like to keep my doors closed
Do it all for self defence
Shut you out when you try to walk in
Expect you to see through my lens

Lately I have been surviving
Thriving in my dark, impaired town
Madness spreading around like cancer
Fear and panic growing loud

It’s about all that’s within
Killing me slowly like a disease
All the things I can’t speak of
All the things making me weak

I have waited to be woken up
For this nightmare to pass
As the dandelions sway beside my mortal body
As I slowly fade into the soil
As I slowly vanish
As I slowly sleep
A peaceful sleep

Out of my little cage
Through the tall grass
My bare feet
Stepping into the wild woods

My skin aglow
Touched by the essence
Of the echoing howl
The rustling, abandoned leaves
Oh, the silenced trees

Amidst the wilderness
Swayed the blissful ecstasy
And as I touched, I snuffed
Rushing though my veins
As if my blood had no value
Ever

A wallflower, many wallflowers
My body off the ground
Heart out of chest
Oh, the delectation, the zest

I screamed
Hoping someone would be awake
To hear the sound of damage

If not me
I wanted to alert the rest
Of the predation I became the victim to

Because you were the kind of guy
They don’t warn you about
You’re the kind they praise

The one who gets into the house
Uninvited but welcomed
Because you know how to make them smile
Slowly infesting the heads
To get into cold beds
Because you enjoy the *******
You enjoy the art of treachery
The idea of being good at one thing
Feeding on the muffled, “Please”
But you don’t stop
Not until you fill blood in the crease
You’re ruthless, and you’re proud of it

I’m not sure if I can make it till the finish line
In so many years, I’m trying to be honest for the first time

When the sky turns dark, and the lights go off
I run with my demons –away from people, away from love

Its a ceaseless cycle —of needing to be seen but hiding
Underneath the cold blanket of meaningless conversations

It is not something I am proud of -believe me when I say this
I used to be the girl fantasising my first dance, my first kiss

But now I see how I’ve turned out to be so cold and grey
Because life is funny that way

One day you’re fearless and bright, almost reaching the sky
And the next you’re locked in your room, because nothing now makes you smile

There’s a highway to happiness
Beyond my sorrow
I have found a path to heaven

I fill my veins with drugs
Every night
A different sort of narcotic
A subtle smile

For a while it gets better
For a while I look pretty
And the world seems beautiful

Until it passes, leaving me drained
Gushing out of my body
Pulling me back into cruel reality

A dangerous place where
I am not who I am
I walk a different path
I say nothing I feel
Real, yet so unreal

So I tell you I am doing alright
Doing drugs all night
Washing away my scars
1 a.m showers, sounds bizarre
But
Isn’t, if you’re me
If you could, only see

Behind the walls of heaven
Your face
Masking your disgrace

You speak of pleasure
Immortality
All things packed in a wrap

You and your silly games
You, fooling around
As if the world is your only way

You visit us again
To leave again
Hoping things would be the same

Oh, my love
You’re not a friend, love
This time you come around
For your plain defeat
Our lives, hopeless and bleak
All because of you, my misleader
All because of you, my love

I am
But not the masterwork
That you think I am

Silly girl, silly girl
I am not your moon

When I look at you
Don’t look back
Caught you keeping a track

Oh, you little fool
They don’t really love you

A drug, temporary pleasure
That’s what you are, you
Pretty little ‘you’

I’m only trying
To navigate my deeper insides
Ended up causing a fight
Between the heart and the mind

You drown in your own ***** pool
Every time, every night
Talking to the silent nobody
You pretty fool

Constantly staring at me
From my half open bedroom door

Intoxicating my brain
Says, it’ll stay, evermore

A ghost, it’s a lost soul
More weak, less scary

Watching me as I grow
All old and weary

My invariable company
Infiltrating my ‘lonely’

Says it won’t harm
Only here to watch me as I sleep

It holds me not to let go
Not to hurt, but to caress

When all the people leave
And I crave the bitter sweetness

This empty feeling
Of pouring misery in moon’s cup
Each night
Gaslighting myself with ‘love’

The rope I was holding onto
Turned out to be just a thread
A trap for my conscience
To fall over my head

Slender, shaking legs
Walking fearfully to shut the window
Starving for light
Tucked my head in the same cold pillow

I am too young to give up
Too old to carry the weight
Too scared of death
Too weak in the hands of fate

I feel like falling deeper
Each step, deeper than before
Smiling to dodge reality
Why do I keep wanting more?

Is it already the end?
Only yesterday I felt alive
After all these years
For the very first time

You looked like danger
So I distance myself from you
Every time you reach
I run away like a fool

You see
I intend not to heal
But you, my sweetest
Wish the best for me

Filling my blood with infatuation
Creeping into my bones
Too deep inside me
Before I could even call you ‘home’

Piercing through my skin
Warm, persistent -how a man should be
You fail to see one thing
You’re too good for me

This life
It’s like a constant wishing
A constant waiting
For something
I am not sure I desire
This hole inside me
Or maybe
I am the hole itself
A tornado
Gushing
Never settling
No one comes near me
To see my insides
Or do they?
Until they dive
Until they strive
And till —they die
Who am I?
What do I need?
How do I feel?
Pacing
Back and forth
Withering without growth
I am fading away
Like cigarette smoke
An old joke

This dark room
The suffocating walls around my body
I look like a work of art
But abandoned –
Left over centuries to be found
By someone as curious as me
Looking into journals
The *****, untidy, old pamphlets
Merely to prove I once breathed
In the same air
Inhaling alienated emotions
Exhaling like an exploited woman
Piercing your heart with her eyes
Oh, those shovelling eyes
Starry, suffice
Arresting you in her entice
Would you dare to touch
This piece of art
Surrendered
Only to lure another

Empty we are born
Emptiness we savour
We create
We infuse within
Into the emptiness, we go

Like shadows
Made of nothing, only nothing
Yet when the wind blows
We flutter
Creating empty sounds
Leaving an echo
A trace
Of nothingness

Internalised screams
Muffled cries
Your silent eyes
Your broken smile


Unspoken confessions
Raging anger
Your beautiful isolation
Your aching voice


It pains me to walk past you
Not saying a word
As if I am ignorant of what I have seen
As if my ignorance would almost make it disappear
Would it?

You made a fool out of me
Or did I do it to myself?
We both played around
For a while, we called it love

Now I am walking through the city
Trying to catch emotions again
It’s hard to like someone
So dressing up is surely in vain

I’m spinning around my room
Dancing to the music in my head
Who knew, love and hate
Good and sin, all go with red?

I’m still thinking of where
I went wrong -made you walk away
Must have been the way I adored you
Could’ve been something you said

Yet how foolish are we?
Trying to find love in our fights
Holding on to each other’s hands
Letting go whenever the picture gets a little less bright

Mother,
Please tell me I did what’s right
I saved them a stupid fight

Oh my sweet mother
Tonight I want to be alone and cry
When I needed someone, nobody even tried

It’s too tragic to be true
I had the chance to be the person
Who stabbed me, shot me with her canon

I broke the cycle, mother
I told her I won’t be the one
Who steals her boy just for fun

I did what I needed someone to do for me
Not break me
But to set me free

I want to almost complain
Why was I left alone?
Locked out of my own home?

But then I hear God speak to me
Love me the way I wasn’t loved before
Taught me, less is always more
My God, softening my inner core
Guiding me through mountain and the shore
Hearing me when I’m silent and when I roar
My God, my God

Don’t tell me
How the grass is greener
On the other side
When you know well enough
That I’m behind the horizon
– out of my mind

Too many aching nights
And my body is numb
Heart is getting cold
While I linger
Waiting for the unknown
Waiting to grow old

Somebody told me not to
Fill the void inside me
With temporary bliss
Oh, what do they know?
I don’t desire the new
I’m breathing in reminisce

It’s hard to think of myself
Let alone somebody else
Now that I’m awake
It took me years
Not to feel a thing
For my own petty sake

You can’t pull me back
On to ”the other side”
Your cruel, always-changing side
I needed stability
And so I chose the gravity
Pulling me down –oh it’s one of a kind

The song I played for you on the phone,
The jokes you had me on,
It’s things like that,
Making me feel so alone,

Had to leave so many houses,
Just to find out, non could be a home
It’s things like that,
Vanishing me when I wasn’t even gone,

Standing by the window in the dark,
Wondering where I lost my spark,
It’s things like that,
Always bleeding, leaving a heavy mark,

I want to sleep, but oh I can’t,
I need to, but I don’t feel a thing,
It’s things like that,
Freezing me inside and out,

There’s so much to weep over,
But the tears seem stagnant,
It’s things like that,
Leaving me —insignificant remnant

If I ever had one, that soul’s dead,
Brutally murdered, not once,
Sometimes with words,
Other times —silence

I’m drifting away
Like sunshine on a bay
Every day
Every day

You see me
But you’re still standing afar
How could you
Let me fall

The city’s cold
And silent
Yet you’re gone
And I’m lost

Do you ever
Think of unknown
Uncreated
Nonexistent?

Lust is a shame
But so is love
And so is everything else
Untamed

Sailing all alone
To another dimension
I’ll rescue
The woman I drowned

Under the midnight sky,
There’s a fading vision of a picture,
Negating your sacred scripture,

It’s a story with no beginning but an end,
A broken puzzle,
Of a tragedy and no pretend,

Consumed by the terror of falling asleep,
Or is it the fear of what I see?
Night after night,
Dream after dream,

Is it the way I watch myself die?
Or waking up in a scare?
Gasping for air,
Til’ morning, crying in despair,

It’s the same cruel dream every hopeless night,
A sight I cannot unsee in my own mind,
Feels like being ****** out of life,
Worn out, drained —all the time

I haven’t spoken for a long time -or at least the truth? I believe that unless you’re not speaking of how you actually feel, you’re not really speaking at all. I had a lot in me. A lot of things to say. Too many stories to tell. I felt pride in knowing that nobody knows my whole story. And to this day, nobody does. But I have changed. I feel, sometimes, as if I am living in a totally different realm now. I do not even remember who I was last year. I have done things, felt things, I shouldn’t speak of. Things buried deep inside my soul, eating me alive everyday. I wonder if hiding your truth is just like lying? But I didn’t choose to hide. It’s just that nobody chose to know. What is the truth really? It is how one feels? Or is it what the others perceive?

Let me breathe
In the smoke of betrayal
One last time
Let me taste
The sweetness of your lies
Savoured, divine
I am not good at goodbyes
Neither letting go
You can’t say I haven’t tried
Lover —turning into a foe

Every day is just the same
Every night starts with tears
Who’s to blame
For all the wasted years?

You painted the picture
Put flowers in empty vase
Just to let it sink
Cursed with your evil sage

Chained to the cruel power of conflict
Between what I want and what’s best for me
My heart’s throbbing as if I’m being chased
By late night panic attacks, immortal memories

Captive of this room built inside hate
I have to be honest, I can’t do this anymore
Screaming the truth in the shadows
Painting a different picture as I walk out the door

Stumbling in the garden of thorns -I thought of as roses
Blowing on dandelions torn in my bleeding hand
Had I not mentioned how broken I feel?
Stepping over the beautiful castle I made of sand

Crumpled up letters of confessions I write
Of things I want myself to know now
The ones I keep forgetting like a careless child
Bring me the “you” who hadn’t lied, I’ld bow

It’s 3 in the morning
Wearing your blue shirt, I’m smiling
Everywhere I go, I see you
In every person, I look for you

Been months since I have been pretending
“I don’t love you”, good lying!
But it strucks me every day
I don’t like things this way

Thought you were all mine
In this, I found my pride
You and me, up against them all
How could you let me fall?

You knew how strong I seem,
As much as fragile I am underneath
The sheets are cold, so is my heart
Now I don’t know where to start

It’s selfish to ask them to be ”you”
Oh but I can’t love somebody new
So I build a fortress around me
Put up some bricks, lay down the concrete

I won’t let you walk through my fence
Found my weapon of defence
If you’re here, please stay
We’ll talk about love some other day

is it just me
or do you see it too?

once you break a heart
you can’t undo

i remember you calling me weak
for the pills i take to feel good

i have been going crazy
nobody has any clue

crying myself to sleep every night
constant pain, feeling blue

Let me lie down here with you
When I’m feeling down and blue
Glorious, ruthless love
Such a fool, you have no clue

Make a promise you can keep
Sow a seed I could reap
Don’t fade away
In this dark, empty street

Close the windows, my holy man
I come here with no wicked plan
Don’t you forget this night
The fire –right from where we began

I want you to stay
When I ask you to leave

I want you to say nice things
When it's falling apart for me

You asked me
To help a dying man -and I did

With bruises on my arms
A kiss on my lips

You ran out of your cigarette
I ran out of wine

I let the fate ****** all
What once was mine

You hurt me so good
Spinning me around all night

Holding me so tight
So you don't lose the sight

After all, you're the cage I dread
A ghost –infatuating my mind

You came to burn my soul
I've seen the rage,
In your dark eyes,
I have seen the ravaging fire

Now that you're here
We'ld like you to stay

In the church of wicked
Surrender, as you may

You can't feel the bliss
If you haven't had it in grey

Can't be a content worshiper
If you haven't ever disobeyed

Offering blood and words
Blaming it all on 'fate'

We gather here every night
In our own realm, outside Heaven's gate

Ask me if I'm okay
I'll tell you I'm fine
It's a risk I want you to take
Outside the blurry line

It'll take a lot of strength
To break the wall I've made
But don't forget, sometimes
The saver wants to be saved

Talk the sense out of me
Untangle every piece
With the touch of your fingers
Make the time cease

I'm the fallen grace from heaven
A sinner who likes to revere
Stay here, to ******* tale
I'm distant —yet I'm near

You're just a soul
Without a body
A void, the hole
Inside me

I am unable to give you a form
A structure to the laughter I hear
You're mystical
More than just a smear

You're my intangible creation
Above everything, and all
You'll rise with me, if I fall

Too holy for the rest
Unfathomed, my beloved
Keeping me closest
With requisite gazes

shallow heart and a heavy head
the echoes of words we never said

one last time you look at me  —then you look away
feels like i am pushed into a night from a sunny day

i can see through you –you're crystal clear
too many emotions to deal with, but there's no fear

you're easy to adore, not easy to hate
too ugly to love, too pretty to disobey

you're the tower i need to climb
i know -you know
but you keep asking me if im fine
obliviously —

you're the one building up the dynamics
a force we dont need
you keep adding up the bricks
the gaze and your subtle tricks
you know -i know

how do u get rid of the shadow above your head
the constant sorrow
the imaginary rope around your neck


struggle to let go of things latched on you
the mismatched
consequences you weren't heading to

this sweet desperation
this inevitable struggle
im looking for myself everyday
with disgrace
in every face

like a wildfire
its spreading in my soul
the darkness and the glitter
the good and the evil

im standing right here
looking down this road
threw my heart in the ocean
it made me weary and old

they believe what they're told
dont bother to look
behind the curtain
where the tenderness folds
the screams get so loud
it makes you cold

its funny
how u think i care
doesn't mean i like you
only because i stare

fallen angel
too broken to heal
i am flying
but the devil's holding my feet

you will never know who i am
because neither do i
you're here, im glad
you sit beside me and so i smile

you're insanity
i'm the madness
call me crazy
but i could not care less

you're the black hole
and im falling
deep inside
because i hear you calling

i don't feel a thing
you say love's in the air
you want the poison
but that's not why im here

Thousands of words
Inside my head
I would have said something
I chose to stay quiet instead

I keep telling myself
None of this is true
That the Sun is still here
The sky is still blue

I can't think straight
With the narcotics in my veins
Not that I want to die
But all of this was in vain

I feel too old
Don't feel like carrying the weight
Of things that went wrong
The lying, the cheating, the hate

I don't need anyone
And it only makes me glad
I guess loss has a funny way
Of making you strong like that

Dear person
That stinging feeling in your chest
That overwhelming fear of death
That demon in your head
Let's put it all to rest

If you ask me
I can tell you stories with no end
And just before "hate" was about to bend
They tell you heart is not to mend
Seal your lips —let's pretend

You and me, us
We're the tribe here to suffer
It gets lonely, but you're tougher
Speak the truth, why you muffle?
"Always happy" is for the bluffer

Hear me out here today
When you lose and there's nothing to say
Raise you head, life's a play
You need to fight for it to pay
Be prepared —because it may..

You're the ashes but in a golden tray
Feel the difference, feel it here
You're not deep
Oh but –you're oceans away

Far from reach because you fly
Your conscience will remain
Out of dozens, because you were sane
Always picked on, felt the pain
Stand high, don't be tamed
Enjoy the storm —let it rain

This night has suddenly became quieter
What's happening -I thought I was getting better?

Am I that messed up in my head?
Thinking about things you did -instead of what you said

I guess it's true
Nothing good happens at night after 2

One moment, I feel so empowered, happy
The next, I find my heart too shabby

It's as if I've shut a girl deep inside
Screaming so loud.. God, I'm tired

When I tell you it hurts —it does
On a physical level, it creates the fuss

After you, it was hard to let somebody in
I had to move on –but it seemed like a sin

I'm not looking for love,
Not even one fanatic idea,
But somebody I could talk to,
About things most consider a trivia,

I want to celebrate small things,
Share the moon in the sky,
Find happiness in our old habits,
Silly ranting, overeating, being shy,

A place far away from this town,
Where the clouds are clear and white,
Weekends under the lights –in the city,
Laughing away the fuss everytime we fight,

Nights discussing the dark theories there have been,
And many more yet to come,
Cold feet –the sound of burning fire,
Face glowing with smiles until it goes numb

If not anything else, I'll give you memories to keep
No touch, but a bucket full of flowers before I leave

One day, when the petals dry out, and your skin wears time
You'll recall the joy you've had, the echo of laughter and I'll be on your mind

Just like a sharp, wrenching arrow –you once crossed my heart
They saw you staring subtly, but I knew it was best to stay apart

I'll have this picture of you in my mind –white shirt, blue jeans
Running across the flawed fences, smiling, young and carefree

When you're weary, old hands reach out for a cup of tea
Maybe you'll realise how I reached out for you but you didn't see me

I'm a mess, I know
Back then I was eleven years old
I saw my mother fighting each day
Cancer really spoils you in the worst possible way

I wanted to run, I wanted to change
But I guess old habits can't be tamed
I longed for the attention, the care
I know it sounds selfish, but does it sound insane?

Things happen for a reason, and so I know
I was only happy when I had the stars that glowed
Little hands longing love, put on hold
"You need to change" –as so I was told

Why is it that when you say you love me,
Your eyes tell me you don't?

Every time you say all these things you would do,
But you won't

Things keep coming between us,
Sometimes ego, friends or the loan

Why after all this time I've known you,
I feel like I'm stuck in a different zone?

I can't help but loathe the way I feel,
A book on the dusty shelf,

I try so hard for someone to know the real me,
But do I even know myself?

If you care –I know we're strangers
But would you escape this town with me?

We could learn new things –compassion, tenderness,
Hunger for the ultimate, how to be carefree?

There I was yet again –in the middle of my thoughts. I closed my eyes and let my thoughts take me wherever they could. Every breath seemed like it lasted a lifetime. Every intake felt like a new life innovating my consciousness. I was high on the hope for something new. I had broken pieces of my heart in my left hand –weighing me down and down. But I kept on holding onto the rope of rejoice with my right hand. As bizarre as it sounds, I felt good. I felt relieved with my dark side and the brighter side. The car horns in amidst of this city echoed -one after the other. It was as if everything was finally in its right place. It was as if I was finally who I were supposed to be. Every thing I was feeling —all made sense. My freezing hands, the cool breeze against my face, the tears stuck in my eyes, the crowded streets, the sound of giggles coming from a distance –this city made me feel alive once again.

Amazing —isn't it amazing when you realise you don't need anyone to be happy? When you stop depending on people or things to bring you joy –when you stop waiting for anyone or anything at all to make you feel complete? It finally stops bothering you if anyone is paying attention to how scarred you are or if anyone is ignoring the tiny details you're giving them -those subtle cries for help..
It's important. It really is. Just like we need oxygen. We need that. That kind of assurance, that self-confidence –that kind of knowing that even if you fall, if you fail, if you're pulled down —you still have you. Even if nothing else, but you -being you.