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Annie Aug 2014
Such a strong word

But only before
It breaks
Annie Dec 2017
Do you ever feel like you're standing in the centre of a big, dark circle? Feel like everyone around you is only drifting away –one by one, step by step?
Do you ever yearn to not just be cared for, but also care for someone so much that you stop worrying about anything else? Do you ever long –not just to be loved, but to love? Do you feel like your circle is too big for you, but too small for someone else to fit in? Does it leave you wondering that maybe you're toxic? So everyone just leaves, as if no one can be faithful to you because you're so useless. Perhaps, it is your circle – and eventually your own circle begins to bury you within. Is that not sad? Is that not treacherous that no one in this world really knows you? No one bothers to look into your eyes and see the tears you've never cried.
And I feel like my circle is only growing bigger. It's eating me inside out and I can't even tell someone. There's no one.
Annie Dec 2018
Now that you're here
We'ld like you to stay

In the church of wicked
Surrender, as you may

You can't feel the bliss
If you haven't had it in grey

Can't be a content worshiper
If you haven't ever disobeyed

Offering blood and words
Blaming it all on 'fate'

We gather here every night
In our own realm, outside Heaven's gate
Annie Aug 2017
Do you ever shave?
Just so you could play with a blade
And smile?
Even though inside you're only scared

Everyone worked and won,
Everyone came and now is gone
While I lay here on my bed,
In dark, with my skin gone wrong

Do you ever spend hopeless days?
And the nights romanticing your grave
Or is it just me?
The one who laughs but all in vain

I have become an ugly mess
And I'ld look disgusting, I confess
Even if I put on red lipstick
And a good dress
Annie Apr 2018
I have this whole world within me
Speak to me
Take me as I am
Set me free

You say I exaggerate things
But what if
What if my emotion
Is itself exaggerated?

Have you ever
For even once, thought that
Maybe I were a speck
Coming close, flying away

Why won't you ever
Pull me close
Make me sway

Keep your eyes off me
Strange how you seem to find reasons
To stay close when you shouldn't
And you could stay here forever but you wouldn't

I don't really need you
I don't even crave you
Except some days

Yet if you ask me, will I be here?
I'll whisper
Annie May 2019
this is all that i am
a fluctuating being

strange to even say
that i have been waiting
and i waited -

but why must I hide
all that i feel
all that i am?

for i know
nothing’s changing
except me
a fluctuating being
Annie Mar 2019
Let me breathe
In the smoke of betrayal
One last time
Let me taste
The sweetness of your lies
Savoured, divine
I am not good at goodbyes
Neither letting go
You can’t say I haven’t tried
Lover —turning into a foe

Every day is just the same
Every night starts with tears
Who’s to blame
For all the wasted years?

You painted the picture
Put flowers in empty vase
Just to let it sink
Cursed with your evil sage
Annie Jul 2018
I'm not looking for love,
Not even one fanatic idea,
But somebody I could talk to,
About things most consider a trivia,

I want to celebrate small things,
Share the moon in the sky,
Find happiness in our old habits,
Silly ranting, overeating, being shy,

A place far away from this town,
Where the clouds are clear and white,
Weekends under the lights –in the city,
Laughing away the fuss everytime we fight,

Nights discussing the dark theories there have been,
And many more yet to come,
Cold feet –the sound of burning fire,
Face glowing with smiles until it goes numb
Annie Sep 2016
I sat down to write a poem today,
I have got too much to write yet nothing to say,

The adrenaline has got my heart beating this fast,
My thoughts speak of something but hands can't do the task,

There was a time when all I needed was a pen to write,
Now I can't pick one thing until my emotions end up in a fight,

You see, there's not one side of my world I want you to see,
There's a lot to give but only if you're willing to creep,

So take your time, maybe today is not the day,
This evening, we can just have some tea and pray,

And when tomorrow comes we'll bring our weapons,
We'll scribble down the words and wait until destruction finally happens
Annie Jul 2017
I feel like an unsteady wave
In a big blue ocean
Going away from the shore
Every time -only going away from everyone and everything
Will I end up at another shore?
Or will I forever be going away?
Annie Jan 2020
Spinning around
In my own lies
Lost but then found

I keep failing
To say what I feel
To do as I want

Stone heart
Or so I say
Yet too warm deep down

In flame of affection
In need of your touch

My heart I cannot feel
You keep loving me
Nothing is as it was
But nothing has changed
Annie Jun 2018
It's really okay
If you don't plan to stay

I could go back
Lie down in my bed today

Have you ever starred at the midnight sky
Feeling as if it's pulling you out of a grave?

Why do we even expect?
For anyone to stick around anyway?

Maybe a month is enough
To say all that we want to say

Then we could go on with our lives,
Apart –no regrets, nothing to pay

After all, goodbyes should mean something
Only about joy —no tears, no hate
Annie May 2014
She was torn apart
Unchasteness surrounding her
But her God could see
Her virtuous soul underneath ~
So He bestowed her
With forgiveness ~
And she became a separatist
Isolating from critics
Making her way through
And accepting the mistakes
She grew stronger
Each day
Annie Jun 2015
In this world
Full of broken dreams
I asked the silence,
"Have you ever been hurt?"

It came close,
For all I could hear,
It murmured something,
In my ear,

"People shout,
They hurt me,
They speak the worst,
And they break me."

I starred,
As long as I could see,
But gone was the silence again,
How could this be?

I imagined,
Everything breaking,
The voice of people,
And the faiths shaking,

Everyone speaks
And every heart can be shattered
Why hurt like this?
When we can be better?
Just want to say that it is better to remain quiet sometimes. It is better not to say the rude things or shout at others. Hope my message is conveyed through this short poem.
Annie Jul 2018
Why is it that when you say you love me,
Your eyes tell me you don't?

Every time you say all these things you would do,
But you won't

Things keep coming between us,
Sometimes ego, friends or the loan

Why after all this time I've known you,
I feel like I'm stuck in a different zone?

I can't help but loathe the way I feel,
A book on the dusty shelf,

I try so hard for someone to know the real me,
But do I even know myself?

If you care –I know we're strangers
But would you escape this town with me?

We could learn new things –compassion, tenderness,
Hunger for the ultimate, how to be carefree?
Annie Sep 2017
I'll close my eyes and pretend
You're the enemy -I'll make you a friend

And I promise I won't complain
I'll suffer -this is my pain

Look up, can you see sixty miles away?
I see a storm, I prefer not to say

I'm learning to embrace my dark
I'll take all the sorrow to create the spark

It's one of those times when it gets hard to believe
But the only thing standing in my way is me

I'm all empty, and I can't find my hope
Everyone says "It's okay" -is that the new vogue?

For all the times I was left on my own
I never fell -instead I learnt a little more
Annie Mar 2018
To all those times,
I was left to cry,
Standing behind the shadow,
For I was too shy,

Too many times I almost believed,
I could be somebody else,
Reach the stars,
Ring the holy bells,

I was brought down to reality,
Each year –another turmoil,
You say, "Act like a good girl."
Oh but I am only going to spoil,

My sins, my pieces,
You never will understand, you won't
In ten years I see myself alone,
All the memories yet linger to haunt,

I don't expect anyone to love me,
To stay,
The home I've been looking for,
See, within me, it'll survive

Alone, I'll be just fine,
Get away from this hopeless town,
I'll go very, very far away,
Far enough – just to never be found
Annie Jun 2018
Come closer, see what you want to see
Tonight we could just pretend
You can look at what a mess I am
For a while, you could be more than just a friend

You once said it takes courage to be who you are
And now I want to know what heaven feels like
You make me want to live more
Who cares what's wrong, what's right?

Give me your hand, feel my heart, will you?
I have been so broken and ugly
You realise that he tore my heart
Threw it away, but you want me out of my misery

You see underneath the fake game I play
From the ordinary girl to a self destructive soul
I am cold now –so cold and indifferent
And you say you want to be my home
Annie Jun 2018
He called me a flower
A torn, dried flower
Ripped off from its roots
All the petals almost falling —not yet have fallen
I called him home
A home so empty, all the curtains down
Polished walls, ravishing roof, crushed floor
No light –all silent, no sound
Annie Mar 2019
Under the midnight sky,
There’s a fading vision of a picture,
Negating your sacred scripture,

It’s a story with no beginning but an end,
A broken puzzle,
Of a tragedy and no pretend,

Consumed by the terror of falling asleep,
Or is it the fear of what I see?
Night after night,
Dream after dream,

Is it the way I watch myself die?
Or waking up in a scare?
Gasping for air,
Til’ morning, crying in despair,

It’s the same cruel dream every hopeless night,
A sight I cannot unsee in my own mind,
Feels like being ****** out of life,
Worn out, drained —all the time
Annie Apr 2018
Look at us
Together again..

And as you're burning me down in ashes
For the last time you speak to me
Yet there is no more of "we"

This might be just a co-incidence
But while ending my existence, you smile
And I feel happy that I am still on your mind

This evening, it's romance in its rawest form
But the people out there think we're fighting a war,
You know they can't see -now we've come so far

When you walk away from my concluding lifetime
I ask you to walk like a hero
I know you broke me, but it takes courage to do so
Annie Jun 2018

Your morning face is so pretty
That puffiness in your eyes
That little naive smile

And when you look at me
You make it seem so gentle
So wild but tender

It's not just obsession
It's not love
It's a taste –from heaven above

This is one love song
And I can write a million more for you
Because you're here to hear my truth

Champagne, pretty ugly laughter
I put on my dress you've never seen
Love how you're always too keen

You let me cry
I pour all my emotions in your hand
You sieve them –so easy —just like sand
Annie Aug 2018
I devote the nakedness
All to you
All for you

The longing of the dark nights
Thinking of you

Rattling leaves
So quiet
Yet impatient

Asking the silence
Are you for me?
Like I am for you
Annie Apr 2015
Still thinks of her
He keeps blaming himself
He can't imagine a life without love

He keeps thinking about that night
When nothing went according to his might
He has to suffer
For she was his only pride

This loss is a tragedy
His life is so lost in all this agony
If only she was here
He must have felt like a king after victory

The city lights make no difference
So around his heart,he builds a fence
People all around crack jokes
As he seems to be losing his sense

He shouts but no one to hear the cries
He calls her name as in Heaven,she sighs
He wonders if there's a way,
So at night in the dark, up in sky, he flies
For people who have lost someone to death or to life.
Annie Jan 2019
Let me lie down here with you
When I’m feeling down and blue
Glorious, ruthless love
Such a fool, you have no clue

Make a promise you can keep
Sow a seed I could reap
Don’t fade away
In this dark, empty street

Close the windows, my holy man
I come here with no wicked plan
Don’t you forget this night
The fire –right from where we began
Annie Nov 2017
Who you are to me
Is not what you have always been,
All the good things
I had yet not seen,

The light you have within you
And that one little broken piece,
Everything's changing now
The seed of love –growing into a tree,

When I see you, you're always looking at me
But you never say, what do you see?
The mountains or the dark cave?
The bird in a cage, you can't set free?

I will keep you safe -keep you here with me
You can rest here forever, sit in ease,
Our tale is now immortal
And you will see -so are we
Annie Feb 2019
It’s 3 in the morning
Wearing your blue shirt, I’m smiling
Everywhere I go, I see you
In every person, I look for you

Been months since I have been pretending
“I don’t love you”, good lying!
But it strucks me every day
I don’t like things this way

Thought you were all mine
In this, I found my pride
You and me, up against them all
How could you let me fall?

You knew how strong I seem,
As much as fragile I am underneath
The sheets are cold, so is my heart
Now I don’t know where to start

It’s selfish to ask them to be ”you”
Oh but I can’t love somebody new
So I build a fortress around me
Put up some bricks, lay down the concrete

I won’t let you walk through my fence
Found my weapon of defence
If you’re here, please stay
We’ll talk about love some other day
Annie Jan 2018
Very soon
Now you will see
I'll be stronger
Than you'll ever be
Every time your hand slipped
Just to hurt me more
You left me abandoned
And my body soar

In the beginning
You sang me lullabies
But then your screams
Became louder than my cries
Each day, every day
You pulled me in enough
To suffocate me
Because you like to bluff

Told you to be gentle
Begged you not to hurt me
But you adored me with bruises
Crawled back, calling me 'baby'
**I wasn't allowed to smile
To muffle, to make a sound
Because you like it that way
You liked being my hound
Annie Jan 2018
Is it just me or can you see it too?
The sunshine -we're finally getting somewhere new

Everything we planned when we were only 16,
It's been years, tell me how have you been?

Remember when I used to cry everytime you'ld hide?
All the hurdles, but with you by my side

You told me how one day, I'll find my happy place,
Oh, but all this time I was  only creating an empty space

You asked questions only I could answer to,
But when you died, my skies could never again be blue,

That pretty contagious smile of yours and smoke in the air,
Please come back, all I need is you –with me, here

My hands shake and my heart doesn't beat anymore,
I've lost all that I had and buried it deep in the core
Annie May 2018
When I was younger
My mother told me
"Some get it hard
Some get it easy."

My father would say
"Do not back off
Try until you must
And never stop."

As I grew older
I realised my mother was right
I was the one who got it hard
The one who was conflicted despite

My God, my Dear God
How many times do I have to fall
Lose my faith a billion times
And come back yet feeling so small?

Each day I fought a battle
Sometimes with my mind
Sometimes with my heart

Why do I, the most vulnerable
Feel like the whole weight
Is always on my feeble shoulder?

My brain is a wreck
My soul is an empty apartment
I must tell you
It does not feel good to be on this side of the door

You see -on this side of the door
I am never okay
But how must you see me as the weakest –
When you can't see what happens here

When I close the doors
I can finally be myself
The one with that heavy burden on a weak heart
Calming it down, I play my part
"It's okay. It's okay. It's okay. It's okay. It's okay."

#But it's not okay..#
Annie Oct 2015
I don't know anymore
If what say
Is what I mean

I don't know how
I try every time
But I fall right back

I don't know why
I have to dream
Everything I can't have

I don't know if
I have lost something I had
Or have I gained

Another wish of mine
Just drifts away
I have become a destruction
For those who know what it feels like to face failure.
Annie Nov 2018
its funny
how u think i care
doesn't mean i like you
only because i stare

fallen angel
too broken to heal
i am flying
but the devil's holding my feet

you will never know who i am
because neither do i
you're here, im glad
you sit beside me and so i smile

you're insanity
i'm the madness
call me crazy
but i could not care less

you're the black hole
and im falling
deep inside
because i hear you calling

i don't feel a thing
you say love's in the air
you want the poison
but that's not why im here
Annie Jun 2018
I gave burnt flyers to this town
Ran so fast –could not be found
Left behind, only betrayal
I can't hear you criticise from here
Your lips are surely moving
But my strength has gotten so loud

Everything's the same, but everything's changing now
The sun, the moon, the stars
Shine brighter somehow

Anyone hardly knows who I really am
And for the first time it feels great
Outstanding —even when I fake
They said, "You'll yearn love."
Oh but love's a cage,
No feelings, no strings attached,
No worries about my heart being snatched
Annie Aug 2014
That strong woman
Hiding a broken girl inside

She had dreams once
But they fainted away with time

She married a man of means
Who desired her every day and night

So she knew that she was still wanted
Even when demons left her behind
Annie Apr 2019
I’m drifting away
Like sunshine on a bay
Every day
Every day

You see me
But you’re still standing afar
How could you
Let me fall

The city’s cold
And silent
Yet you’re gone
And I’m lost

Do you ever
Think of unknown

Lust is a shame
But so is love
And so is everything else

Sailing all alone
To another dimension
I’ll rescue
The woman I drowned
Part 1.
Annie Oct 2014
Something sweet
In my ear tonight
I'll have my nightmares anyway

My imperfections
I hide within me
I'll have my insecurities anyway
My life ..
Annie Apr 2018
Crazy to see
How many wish to die
Just to know
How many will miss them or cry

I do not need death
To show me if I'm needed
I disappear for a night
And my conscience is defeated

Funny what time can do
Bury us down
Pull us up
To make us feel lost and found

Been told I'm weak
Left after coming too close
Once or twice
Or maybe a hundred times

How is it that I'm still standing here?
All naked so you would see
The scars that won't heal
Someone that's just not me..
Annie Feb 2020
There’s a highway to happiness
Beyond my sorrow
I have found a path to heaven

I fill my veins with drugs
Every night
A different sort of narcotic
A subtle smile

For a while it gets better
For a while I look pretty
And the world seems beautiful

Until it passes, leaving me drained
Gushing out of my body
Pulling me back into cruel reality

A dangerous place where
I am not who I am
I walk a different path
I say nothing I feel
Real, yet so unreal

So I tell you I am doing alright
Doing drugs all night
Washing away my scars
1 a.m showers, sounds bizarre
Isn’t, if you’re me
If you could, only see
Annie May 2014
They all deceased
The savage station master was deaf enough not to hear the screams
He couldn't worry to see the way it bleeds

And oh their ghosts
Still haunting the place
Looking for a little help
But don't look at their face

An untold story
An unresolved mystery
Of the underground rail track
And the heart-less Station Master

Along came Mr.Gordy
With his heavenly glory
Revealing the 'enigma'
He waved a goodbye
Inspired by movie "Haunting In Connecticut"
Annie Aug 2014
The little girl cries as she watch her father walk away,
All the hopes dying inside ,she's got nothing to say,

All the traumatic situations that she's been through,
And as she looks back ,she realize there's nothing she can do,

The mother cuddles her and tells her to stop crying,
She says, "Mother nothing is so important ,but he was worth dying."

Tears rolling down the eyes,
Broken heart beats inside,

Silence echoing the four walls,
Her father was expert at lying
An old piece
Annie Mar 2019
I haven’t spoken for a long time -or at least the truth? I believe that unless you’re not speaking of how you actually feel, you’re not really speaking at all. I had a lot in me. A lot of things to say. Too many stories to tell. I felt pride in knowing that nobody knows my whole story. And to this day, nobody does. But I have changed. I feel, sometimes, as if I am living in a totally different realm now. I do not even remember who I was last year. I have done things, felt things, I shouldn’t speak of. Things buried deep inside my soul, eating me alive everyday. I wonder if hiding your truth is just like lying? But I didn’t choose to hide. It’s just that nobody chose to know. What is the truth really? It is how one feels? Or is it what the others perceive?
To be continued.
Annie Jan 2020

How distant
How near
You’re the only wolf I fear

Beside my nightstand
You stay
Such a safe play

A hungry lion
Hiding in tall grass
Perfect moments never last

Slow, steady
You make no sound
Yet I hear you howl
Each time you step away
Whispering a spell
“Don’t you tell.”
Annie Jan 2018
Too cold to feel
Too hot to touch
Stay with me
But don't love me so much

I fear the fear
Of breaking you down
Making it rain
Smothering your howl

If it were simple
I wouldn't let you go
But I destroy everything
Burn it all slow

It might seem usual
But tell me -is it, really?
I guess we're only delusional
The way I see myself, is that how you see me?

This distance is your blessing
I'm the disguise
You wouldn't want to have me
If only you were wise
Annie Jul 2018
If not anything else, I'll give you memories to keep
No touch, but a bucket full of flowers before I leave

One day, when the petals dry out, and your skin wears time
You'll recall the joy you've had, the echo of laughter and I'll be on your mind

Just like a sharp, wrenching arrow –you once crossed my heart
They saw you staring subtly, but I knew it was best to stay apart

I'll have this picture of you in my mind –white shirt, blue jeans
Running across the flawed fences, smiling, young and carefree

When you're weary, old hands reach out for a cup of tea
Maybe you'll realise how I reached out for you but you didn't see me
Annie May 2014
I love the word "forever"
I don't really know why
Maybe because it foretells a new beginning
Or a sad goodbye
Annie May 2014
And once again ,he left
This time with a 'goodbye'

He said he won't come back
This time for the sake of the 'goodbye'

I have no surprises ,not at all
This time it was a profound 'goodbye'

The intensity was felt by the wind,
This time we bade our last 'goodbye'
Annie Nov 2018
shallow heart and a heavy head
the echoes of words we never said

one last time you look at me  —then you look away
feels like i am pushed into a night from a sunny day

i can see through you –you're crystal clear
too many emotions to deal with, but there's no fear

you're easy to adore, not easy to hate
too ugly to love, too pretty to disobey

you're the tower i need to climb
i know -you know
but you keep asking me if im fine
obliviously —

you're the one building up the dynamics
a force we dont need
you keep adding up the bricks
the gaze and your subtle tricks
you know -i know
Annie Jan 2015
Sitting in her bed
Listening to her favorite records
She looked like a fragile angel

But the bedroom walls knew
They knew how much strength there was
Behind that feeble face

And the pillow was almost a witness
To every night when she was alone
Singing songs of death

Look closer
Maybe you'll see something behind those eyes
Maybe you'll see a **griever
Annie Jul 2018
This night has suddenly became quieter
What's happening -I thought I was getting better?

Am I that messed up in my head?
Thinking about things you did -instead of what you said

I guess it's true
Nothing good happens at night after 2

One moment, I feel so empowered, happy
The next, I find my heart too shabby

It's as if I've shut a girl deep inside
Screaming so loud.. God, I'm tired

When I tell you it hurts —it does
On a physical level, it creates the fuss

After you, it was hard to let somebody in
I had to move on –but it seemed like a sin
Annie Oct 2014
Invincible feelings
I carry ~

With a heart
Heavy with the weight of
Fierce pain ~
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