Yes I've known you for a while.
Yes you are one of the few who have made me smile.
Your bleach blonde hair.
Roaming the halls with you there.
Getting in trouble together over the summer.
Going to lunch with each other.
The lunch was bad.
But it was all we had.
We had each other and that was all that mattered.

The dark allows my broken heart to rest.
When the pieces are shattered they have time to fix a bit.
Not anymore.
The dark haunts me.
It used to peacefully whisper to me.
Sing me to sleep.
Now it screams in pain.
Screams in her voice.
**** I loved her.
Why do I let people do this to me?
I'm such an idiot.
Everyone I've ever loved has torn me to pieces and left me to bleed.
Bleed drowning in memories.
I'm dead now.
Wandering around aimlessly.
No purpose.
No purpose at all.
No reason to live.
Why should I fight for life.
Why not just let go.
Let the earth **** me.
Enjoy the death.
Maybe peacefully drown.
Eat something I'm allergic to?
Athsma can do the trick.
Run three miles.
Just disappear.  
Leave like how love left me.
Broken.
Broken and ghostly.
Wandering pointlessly.

Sooner or later it gets to you,
All the I love you,
All the I miss you,
All the I need you,

Sooner or later it gets to you,
Sleeping in late,
conversations delayed,
Don't go out,
Don't...

Sooner or later,
It gets to you,
Depression catches up.

No I am not
Bullet proof.
Yes if you shoot.
I will die.
I will probably die if you even just looked at me.
I stop breathing every time you speak.
It's quite odd.
I can't stand to be around you.
Only because I want to be around you.
Something is odd about you.
Non judgmental you.
You somehow know what to say.
You know what I've gone through.
You know what it's like.
To slice up your perfect pale skin.
You know what it's like to want to die.
You know what it's like to be unfixable.
That's the state I'm in.
Broken and unfixable.
Like an egg...
Oh gosh here we go again on eggs emily.
Eggs once they splat are unfixable.
Unfixable
Forever.
That's me.
An egg.
I'm
Nothing
But
An
Egg?
True?
Or false?

No one knew what is was like being unloveable.
No one knew what it was like being untouchable.
Not literally untouchable.
Just on the inside so stuck in the past that you can't breath.
Half of my panic attacks excist because of the past.
Past events that are out of my control.
And so worried about the future that I begin to lose hold.
So out of reach an untouchable.
I keep myself away from others so as not to feel the pain I've enflicted upon myself.

This is how I feel...
...........................................………...........­.....................………................................………......­..........................………................................……….­...............................………...............................­.………................................………..........................­...... Blank

Yes I have a bipolar mind.
I look for clear but never know what I will find.
Mom sent me away.
For a few months and a day.
Mom said she couldn't handle me.
Why couldn't she see?
I wasn't really myself.
I was someone else.
Sometimes blue.
Gosh if I could sue.
Every little ****
Who made me hate my guts.
Awe look at her.
**** she's got the face of a murderer.
Why you always crying Graffe *** *****?
Why not end it and die in a ditch?
I was definatly all over the place.
Stuck with this awful race.
I couldn't control my actions.
So I shoved all emotions back with a little lithium.
Then I didn't see clear.
Actually nothing ever happens here.
I see nothing now.
And there's no changing my mind.

I am a lost boy
From never land
Usually hanging with Peter Pan.
Run run lost boy
They say to me
Away from all the reality
-Ruth B.

Cut your wrist baby.
Bleed just for me.
Tell me I never ******* cared.
Guess I was never there.
Try to run away.
Na babe where you going stay.
Create some stupid excuse on why you gotta go.
Yeah go be a stupid *** ***.
Sleeping around with your best friend.
That's a problem with lesbians.
I chose you.
Then what do you do?
Right after I think I can trust again
You go and rip open what we tried to mend.
Well ******* then.

Such a sweet little girl.
How her hair falls into little twirls.
Spending hours each morning molding her body into perfection.
She isn't her reflection.
With my desperation to save her.
I no longer was my fathers daughter.
Hope u appreciate it.
Yeah stupid *****.
Can't believe I called you my sister.

..."Time makes you bolder,
Children get older, and I'm getting older too.
So take this love and I took it down.
And if you see my reflection in the snow covered hill.
Well maybe, well maybe, the landslide will bring you down. "...
Stay strong. You couldn't be more perfect. You are an amazing human. One of the best humans I know. Every time you wave or smile at me I can't help but smile back. You are freaking beautiful and defiantly one of my best friends.

It all started with a memory.
Pushing its way from the depths of my mind.
Submerging into a thought...
The thought causing my stomach to scream every time I walked past her.
My emo blue haired friend.
Well used to be a friend.
At one point even a little more.
The thought slowly but surely turned into a tear.  
Then a storm.
The rain kept falling my mind clouding up completely.
I hurt my girlfriend to much.
It's all unintentional but it's there.
Anyways the storm turned into a lightning strike.
The lightning taking the shape of a silver blade.
The blade I had sworn to put away.
The blade I had hidden ever so well just invade and emergency came about.
I thought this to be an emergency.
So the lightning struck leaving a thick river flowing down my hand and arm.
A river of red warm regret.
Blood.
I liked watching my own blood make it's way down my arm.
It gave me a sense of peace.
Peace knowing I'm so lost that I rely on self mutilation to get through the day.
Everyone has their choice of destruction...
some choose drugs.
Acholol.
Then there's me and I choose isolation and pain.
Being alone is my worst fear and my number one weakness.
When I'm alone I can act recklessly with no one to stop me.
Not that anyone cares anyways.
That's all I want.
Someone to stop me and hug me and tell me it'll be alright. Still I remain alone.
Sleepless nights...
no lights... this is my life now.
The tears leaving my pillow wet and the river flowing thickly from my arms.
This is my life now.

Why is it we speak language. One uniformed form of speech. It's acceptable in society that's why.
Why is it if you can believe in a god that he still puts babies in the graves. Kids dying for illness everyday. Explain that.
Why is it that life quality still *****. I'm still here. Me and my bottomless bottles of pills.
Four of these. Two of these. One of that.
Why am I here.
Do I have purpose?
Maybe my purpose was to be a faint memory...
One to pass with the blowing leaves.
Either way i am here.
Either way I'm still clinging to life.
Pill by pill.
Medical ritual after ritual.
I am here.
Alive.

My forever feels torn away.
My forever grows farther day by day.
The girl she is now.
The girl I am now.
Our worlds a thousand miles apart.
All based off of two hearts.
Hers and mine forever unified.
People try to cut us away.
Our hearts grow stronger each day.
A metal shield around them.
But still I find myself frightened.
The shield is possible to wither away.
The scratched and damages others have made.
The metal is slowly exposing our weak hearts.
Still strongly together.
Never apart.
If the metal leaves.
The shield holding us in place.
If our walls come down.
So do we.
Forever so far away.
My doubts all in the open.
Shield fell down.
Still the hearts in place.
Held tightly by her love for me.
Tighter than any man made shield.
We will be okay.
I love you babe...

The days are dark.
The fog lingers here as you drift into unconsciousness.
You are safe now my love.
You are safe.
The words that leave are repeated in your mind.
I am safe now.
I am safe.
The darkness stands no chance against me.
For I am alive.
You are safe sweetheart.
Let me guide you though the night.
Let me lead you to the light.
Now until in gets bright.
Her I shall stay holding you tight.
Listen to the rain.
Hear the pittering sound fill your brain.
Every beat threatening sleep.
Somehow yet a bit soothing.
Goodnight love.

Brightness illuminates the path.
Darkness reaches out as you jump.
Feel your feet hit the light.
Darkness can't touch you here.
The light provides shelter.
Now picture the light.
Can you feel it beneath your feet.
Can you feel it wrap it's rays around you?
Is it hot or is it calming?
What shape does it take.
Now remember what this light looks like.
You walk farther away from the darkness.
Turning around you say Goodbye Darknesss
Say it aloud, "goodbye darkness"
You are alive and healthy.
General but strong.
Here the Darknesss Cannot touch you.
The light pushes it away.
Whenever depression comes at you picture your light.

Self hate is so much more than based off personal looks.
The way your eyes slant downwards or are just a little too squinty, the way your nose takes up a fourth of your face.
The way the kids tease you that your lips are too big or small.
The way that girl called you fat,
ugly,
skinny,
sick.
The way they told you you can never be loved.
Self hate routes from something bigger...
A fire burning deep inside.
Self hate comes from emotion.
It comes from the people closest.
The ones your told to trust.
Mom, dad, sister, brother, aunts and uncles.
Mom and dad used to fight...
Your older sister said it was all your fault.
You blamed yourself for so long.
Then one day you took a blade.
First time you ran it down your arm.
Let out your demons.
They screamed inside.
And now they are free.
Sure the kids at school all play into this.
But it's so much more.
If only you could see.
Within you there is still beauty.
You survived.
Therefore insperation remains alive.
You got past every name you've ever been called.
Every word your parents cursed.
You got through it all.

So this isn't really a poem more of a short story about my day yesterday.

I was in school, color guard, to be more specific. We were talking about up coming color guards and who's going to be on them. I already knew I was failing math and was just going to text gwenyth later, I was hoping nobody noticed that I wasn't raising my hand to be in colorguards. I kinda floated o the back behind everyone. Also because I don't like a few people on colorguard and I'm extremely shy around the rest. a certain person on Cg makes me feel extremely unconfortable and annoys me a lot. She always has to be pushing people and telling people stuff. She irritates me a lot. At the beginning of the year she told someone something that I wish I hadn't told her and ****** up stuff between me and another chick. Now I can barely even talk to this chick. I just kinda want to punch her in the face. She is always pushing me around and hugging on me and bossing me around. She can be okay sometimes but really annoying.
   So we were all talking, then gwenyth looked at me... "What about you? Do u want to be on any colorguards?" I looked at her and shook my head.
I felt the walls begin closing in and thought I was going to have to just walk out of there because I thought a panic attack was about to grab me. "Just breath" I repeated in my head, "your not going to break that easy. What are you talking about you already are broken..." I looked up from the ground and caught one girl from Cg looking at me. She is one of the few people on Cg I trust. Her, gwenyth, another girl, and another boy are the only people I trust. The rest are freshman and freshman are hard to trust. I met the girl's glance then looked away. For some reason I find her extremely hard to be around because she is just unbelievably amazing. Idk how to explain it. She's like a poison darth frog, in the best way... In case this ever gets back to her. She is completly beautiful but people tell me not to like her, but I refuse to judge her based on someone else's words. She is nice to me and takes time to actually have conversations with me so she's good in my book. She will remain that way until I have a legit reason to not like her.
   I continued to think to myself and just stayed calm. Then thank god class was over. I began to walk out of the school on my way home. Gwenyth was standing by the door and looked at me, "Hey! Swaim! Are you okay today?" I looked at her and practically meowed. Feeling like a complete idiot I walked away. I put my hood on a earphones in turning them up all the way. So what if I go deaf... I walked through the parking lot with the wind blowing against me. I looked at the grey world so dark. I took off my glasses and walked listening to Eminem blasting in my ears.
     I finally arrived home noticing my moms car was in the driveway. As I approached the driveway I saw Chae. She was sitting on the corner I walk past everyday staring at me. I was on my last line with her. She sits there messing with nemo.  I walked in the door and mom later there passed out on the couch. As soon as she woke up she began demanding me of stuff, get me water... Do this.... Do that. I did everything she asked. I messaged Emily hoping she might reply. Then Erika. Nobody. I ended up passing out on the floor after explaining what happened today to gwenyth. I finally had a break. Bam that sums up the day....

You call me a *****
You say you want me to die in a ditch
Well I don't know what I did
Love towards me was forbid
I shut you out
You never shut your mouth
My wrists are bleeding
My heart is screaming
But you you just stand there watching
I'm tearing down
I'm leaving town
I don't know who I am
But whoever I am your not a fan
I'm never good enough
I'm packing my stuff
No stay you scream and plead
Then you turn around and hit me
You call me a ****
Compare me to a mutt
Now you wonder why I overdose once a    
day
My life is filled with hate
But the hate is like a drug
One feeling of warm fuzzy hug
The drug is the hug that bring me to tears and hopes no one ever comes near
I need to get myself away from here
I struggle with my own problems
To half to take care of you on top of them is like a dog caring for its owner
I guess I'm like a dog no wait you might say I'm a bit lower
So here is my apology no wait just kidding
I think I was just fibbing
I should thank you in stead
Thanks for trying to hit me in the head
Thanks for making me scream for making my wrists bleed for watching me die then just adding to the pain by cutting up my emotions with your lies
Yeah you were always sly until you walk right up and said ok ***** it's time for you to die
I just laughed and said no girl it's been you messing with my head
Sorry ***** but I'm already dead
That night I took too many pills now I was in for the ****
I hopped right into my car drove to the train tracks
Ready to be attacked
This next rhyme is an effing fact
If the ***** ain't got her dog
She is gonna disappear in the fog
The shadow that's been killing me for years
Oh lucky me the train is almost here
Grown near for my last stop
Laying on the tracks
The train threw a little honk
Then I felt it
I was nothing but a memory
Come puppy sit
But ***** don't you know I can play dead  too watch me your bond to loose.

Button up shirts.
Never had I like skirts.
Grandma asks if I want to be male.
Dad thinks he created a fail.
I'm sorry I can't please you.
I've tried with everything I do.
Guess its not enough.
I've just got to deal with a lot of stuff.
I still want to be accepted.
Never once have I been neglected.
I was bullied for who I am.
People told me I would be ******.
I could care less.
So what if everyone thinks I'm a mess.
I'm trying the best I can.
To just be who I am.

With every word is a silent fight.
The fight to **** the demons whom come to play at the break of night.
Dawn covers my screams.
A cut for every crushed dream.
Every meaningless cry.
Nobody sees the pain hidden within my eyes.
Nobody can see my wrists bleeding.
Nobody hears my thoughts screaming.
They see the person I pretend to be.
The perfect girl whom fits in socioty.
Not the one with crippling depression and anxiety.
They are all lies you see.
Absolutely everything.
I tell you I'm okay.
Acually I'm just waiting to say...
Waiting I breath...
One last breath...
Whisper goodbye...
Finally close my eyes....
Finally **** the voices.
Finally free.

Roses are red...
Violets are blue...
I'm just gonna stop this crap...
And come out and say I love you.
I know sometimes I'm not poetic.
Sometimes really quite pathetic.
But you'll never find a girl who loves you more.
It's like one day I opened a door.
Let you in.
Gosh, I don't know where to begin,
How do I explain the day when it all changed,
How to I explain the way my mind became rearanged?
You were always there.
Somewhere.
I'd see you everywhere.
Smile as I walked the halls.
My thoughts bouncing off the walls.
Never had I met a girl so beautiful.
Never had I picture a new story to be told...
Willingly I decided this was all part of a bigger plan.
Gladly, I took your hand.
Slowly day after day,
Growing closer to you.
Until we were the inseparable two.
Your hand in mine.
Always by my side.
Eating lunch.
Following routines.
Everything simply meant to be.
Day by day I began to fall,
Harder and harder,
There was no going back.
My heart was under attack.
Quickly you won the war.
Taking over my heart.
Making it beat off the charts.
Every time I saw you my stomach spun.
I could definatly tell you were the one.
Never had I met a girl like you.
Never again do I want to.
(Didn't mean that in a bad way)
Your the only girl I ever want to be with.
Still asking my self on the daily how did I get so lucky.
Your...
Stunning,
Mesmerizing,
Beautiful,
Gorgeous,
Caring,
Deep minded,
Amazing,
Breath taking,
And everything in between.
So the story of us.
You've lived it once before.
Well only a chapter.
We have many yet to go.
so,
This book won't write its self,
So let me begin again,
Never going to reach the end...
I'll start this page.
Simply by saying...
I am madly in love with you.
And absolutely everything you do.

To most breathing is a natural thing.
The body must take in air to stay alive.
I though sometimes forget.
My body forgets how my lungs work.
Then I shut down.
No air enters my system.
You are not breathing.
Trying to catch my breath.
Yes I am fine.
Until panic sets in.
Panic attack makes it harder to breath.
God I'm so ugly when I cry.
Kristen made that go through my head.
Telling me that countless times.
I need to stop crying.
I need melody.
She helps me when **** happens.
It's okay just go to class.
The teacher will let you go to the bathroom for a minute.
I walked quickly on the verge of tears.
Eyes red and puffy.
This is how someone would react if they got dumped by their lover.
Not because they couldn't breath.
I locked eyes with rianna.
Oh ****, now she knows I'm a wimp.
Crying when I can't breath.
Almost to class when the bell rang.
Can I use the bathroom I said.
Yes grab the pass.
T
R
I
G
G
E
R
That caused a full panic attack.
The simple words allowing me to go to the bathroom caused me to break down.
The teacher looked at me.
What's going on sweetie???
She asked concerned.
C-can't breath!
The school nurse came and walked me down to her office.
Your okay she said.
Now tell me what has been going on?
I can't breath!
Yes more specifically.
I ran and couldn't breath then I had a panic attack.
Yes this is my life.
Barely breathing sometimes.
Having panic attacks over little things.
This is how I live.

cancer is like a flood...
Unwanted and fast striking...
Before you know it it's taking down buildings and everything you were once familiar with.
Destroying everything...
sometimes without you knowing....
It starts small, you see?
A simple cell in the beginning....
Then it spreads fast...
Even if you build up walls and think it will never come back if can still come back....
Like the river...
You try to find ways to keep it from flooding,
But that doesn't stop it.
It comes back stronger and higher each time until it spills over and floods towns....
Cancer is like that except inside your body...
It starts small and if you catch it soon enough you can do stuff against it...
But sometimes it comes back stronger and destroys everything...

I
Am
Not
You
Nor
Are
You
Me.
I
Will
Not
Ever
Be
Like
You.
In
Everything
I
Do.
You
Expect
Me
To
Be
Like
You.

Here is the link to the page! Please go check it out asap! Thanks.

https://m.facebook.com/Our-Light-1011466452267886/?ref=bookmarks

Anger, sadness, depression, pain...
All those emotions swept over me.
When you actually care they never see.
See how much you cared for them.
You mean absolutely nothing in the long run.
So now I sit in the darkness of my house.
Tripping on the shadows I see.
Actually listening to the voices.
Cut yourself.
The scream.
Take a pill.
Take another.
And another.
Till you finally fall into a deep sleep.
When you can't sleep at night
Just take pills.
They help.
Help a hell of a lot better than the voices.
Just
Take
A
P
I
L
L
Then feel numb

No I am not dead yet.
Nor do I still want to take my life.
Yes today I am beginning to notice.
I am alive.
Yes I have been depressed before.
Yes it got the best of me at times.
I am alive today.
I stand here tall and alive.
I breath.
I don't need to be with her to live.
Her absents no longer holds me under.
Iron longer has me in its grasp.
She's going to notice that I am gone.
And I am just going to say so long.
She did mean a lot but I can't continue on.
It's making me sick.
All her childish *******.
I am alive now.
Now I won't let her **** me anymore.
I am shutting the door.
Yes I say it now,
But it's always harder in reality.
Harder to say the truth.
The truth is yeah I love her.
Yeah I trust her.
I trust her even when I have no reason to.
She's lied to me nonstop for days.
But for some reason I keep putting myself out there.
Out there for her to manipulate.
No more though.
I'm done with all her games.
I am alive now.
Alive and happy.
Every scar has a memory.
Every night I cried in the past.
No I don't need people who will cause that.
I know who my real friends are.
thank you guys for being there over the last year or so.
The time when I was low.
Yeah Mel was there at times but Violet turned her into something else.
Someone who no longer cared.
Emily she's been there.
Thank you em.
I'll never forget it.
Even when I doubted her she was there.
Not a clue how much it impacted my life.
Literally without you I might not be here.
Thank you again.
Allysa is like a sister even though sometimes she gets on my nerves she is like family.
I'm always gonna have her back when she needs me.
My sister is a **** head rn.
Made some bad choices recently.
Trying to grow up too soon going down the same path I was.
If she won't listen to me that's okay.
She will learn one day.
I guess this is me just venting.
Getting it all out.
Letting go of everything.
Saying...
I am alive.
This time I plan to stay that way.

I wanted to help you.
I wanted to make you happy.
You brought music into my broken world.
I wanted to bring music into your.
Yours was getting darker and darker.
I watched as you sunk down.
Deep into the depression that used to loom over me.
I watched you scream inside.
I heard your silent cries.
I couldn't save you from the darkness
Because I hadn't been able to save myself.
Sweet love I can't promise the darkness will never touch you.
I will fight to keep it away.
I will fight with every ounce in my body to where you don't have to feel the same pain I have for all these years.
Leaving an ex is hard.
Chae killed what was left of me.
You brought new life.
Then she killed what was left of you.
I wanted to be the light but didn't know how.
I had no clue how Emily and you managed to light others up.
You said you were depressed.
Said you needed time.
Sweet girl I understand.
Moving on is hard.
I asked if you wanted me to disappear like nothing ever happened.
No you said.
But it was only because you couldn't do that to me.
Never once did you mention that you wanted to stay.
Now I lay here knowing I ****** up.
Lay here knowing it's not okay anymore.
I'm always going to be in the darkness.
Maybe I can help lead you out.
I'd rather walk in the dark with you
Than walk through the light alone.

A moment trapped in her words.
A moment she is all holding me to this earth.
So many places is rather be.
But decide to stay for her.
I could be lost in space.
Far away.
Instead I'm here wishing she'd text.
Wishing she'd answer my questions.
Wishing she'd love me for me.
She is the blur of tears in my eyes.
Grabbing my hand by surprise.

I'm going to egg a house.
I shall walk to the door quiet as a mouse.
Take the white egg.
Fire away!!!
Egg splats.
Sorry I slashed your tires leaving them flat.
Shouldn't have ****** with me *****.
Hope u got a tow hitch.
Your car payed for your actions.
Can't wait to see your reaction.

******* cutting up my skin.
In only places I can see.
Never ******* meant a thing.
No not to anyone.
I'm just tossed around.
Thrown sky high only to hit the ground.
One two three.
All blody lines on me.
Can I just take one to my neck?
Get it all over with.
Wash the blood from my hands
Dress me nice.
I made the ultimate sacrifice.
I took myself away.
So you can have a worry free life.
You never needed me.
Until that day.
Imma just ******* cut!!!
Bleeding.

Her hands on my waist.
Dancing in a dress of lace.
Baby come here.
She took a step near.
Baby take me all the way.
Don't wait another day.
Yeah, I guess we rushed into things.
Words represented with promise rings.
I want you to hold me.
We were simply meant to be.
Our favorite quote.
Both of us devote,
So many hours,
My fingers running over your body in the shower.
Lips explore.
Never satisfied wanting more.
You take me to a place.
Somewhere I want to be.
Where it's just you and me.

No time, no time.
Always time, always fine.
Cannot cannot.
Stop, it's not something that should be fought.
Can't stay can't stay.
Just a minute you won't be late.
No time, no time.
Be that way, fine.

This is my fire range
The place I put my thoughts when they are rearanged.
Yes this is my firing range.
The only thing keeping me partially sane.
When I need to let go I hold on
This page gives me a new dawn
So yes this is my firing range
Where I fire the most hateful words
With a wirl in my brain.
Welcome to my firing range.

Button up shirts.
Never had I like skirts.
Grandma asks if I want to be male.
Dad thinks he created a fail.
I'm sorry I can't please you.
I've tried with everything I do.
Guess its not enough.
I've just got to deal with a lot of stuff.
I still want to be accepted.
Never once have I been neglected.
I was bullied for who I am.
People told me I would be ******.
I could care less.
So what if everyone thinks I'm a mess.
I'm trying the best I can.
To just be who I am.

Trembling beneath my hands
If I could I would rip it out of you,
Your pain, your cries,
But the tumor metastasizes.

Tumor never die.
Tumor holding on tight,
Tight to the very foundation of our lives,
You.

You are everything,
The first and my last each day,
The distant prays all aimed towards you,
Let him be okay,

Trembling beneath my hands,
Holding tight unable to release,
The tumor clinging to you from beneath.

So this is a poem for all the people out there.
The people who used to live like they didn't care.
The ones scared to speak up.
The ones who always felt like they messed up.
To all of you who have a history.
It's that story.
The one that makes up you.
Yeah there are very few.
Few similar.
Many who have walked down the road you went down.
The road you ran to when you felt like nobody else was around.
There was always someone who saw your pain when you cried.
Someone who would have stayed up countless nights.
Someone who let go of themselves to make sure your alright.
So this poem is for all the recovering people.
The ones who feel like they were lost.
Hopeless even.
Relying on drugs, achohol, ***, and other outlets.
Personal my Ive found that you can't always have those to rely on.
Eventually they are gonna be the reason you refuse to carry on.
You are all so important.
You are all so different.
However you wound up where you are today,
Know there is important in your history.
Everything you've ever done has led up to someone.
I know friends who have gotten past everything that used to drown them. I'm so freaking proud of them.

My anxiety is terrible.
It controls my every action.
I can't even have fun anymore.
Anxiety has me ******* under water.
Today it kept me away from my family.
It keeps me away from friends.
Away from people who try to love me.
Away from loud noises.
Everything is a trigger.
Everything kills me.
When I'm yelled at I cry.
People raise their voice I cry.
People are unrecognizable I cry.
Gun shot fires in distance I cry.
I have really bad anxiety.
And because of it today I sit alone at home.
By myself.
With no one but a blade.
Guess I'm the end it was my only friend.
Anxiety brought us closer.
So now I sit here considering od.
Considering starving myself.
Being buried a million feet under.
The waves beating me down.
No I don't think I'll cut.
Not Doing it for Emily.
Then again anxiety likes to think different.

So this poem will be a little different.
No it's not about melody.
Like most have been.
This is about my sweet friend.
Sweet friend em.
She has been through so much.
And gotten past it.
I'm amazed by her strength.
The strength to rise up beyond the pain.
She has made it so far.
Emily you are truly an inspiration.
Even if I don't talk much anymore.
Know I'm always here and you mean so much still.
Random peom for you Emily.

*******!
Told me to trust you.
Told me you loved me.
You lied to me.
God I really loved you.
This is why I don't love!!!
This is why I hate people.
*******.
Go **** your tall stupid *****.
Stupid ******* trust.
Always comes back and stabs you.
You were everything.
**** this.
I'm dead inside.
You just killed me more.

Stop your screaming child.
The angel said I have to.
Do you want to go to the promised land?
If you want to enter his kingdom you must be cleansed of sin.
Stop moving.
It will only hurt a second.
You are a sin!
The angel said I must cleanse you!

Stress...
Sometimes it's wearing a dress.
Other times it's taking a test.
Girl! Chill take a rest.
There are many ways to deal.
Remember stress is very real.
You can bake a muffin.
Be careful not to burn your hand in the metal tin.
You can read a book.
Even if that book is on how to cook.
You can take a walk.
or talk and talk.
Curse under your breath.
Or you know just give it a rest.
You are alive and well.
Life is pretty swell.
Sweet girl just breath.