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573 · Apr 2016
Invisible or unstopable.
Ana S Apr 2016
One day I woke up invisible.
I though how unnatural.
Indeed it was strange.
Wierd when I had to change.
I decided I would go to school.
But soon decided I was a fool.
Nobody cared I was gone.
I wondered if anyone wonders what was wrong.
I thought they would care.
Care that I wasn't there.
They just went on with their days.
All to my dismay.
I saw what people really thought.
Then my mind fought.
See she never loved you.
Now what will you do?
They are talking bad.
Making me sad.
Only invisible.
Words always unstoppable.
Invisible for a day
571 · Apr 2016
Adults
Ana S Apr 2016
Adults anger me.
They have no regard for anyone younger than them.
They push us around like we are worthless
Whatever though.
I don't have to respect those who have no respect for me. I can be nice but everyone has a breaking point.
Adults
563 · Apr 2016
When a girl talks to me.
Ana S Apr 2016
When this girl talks to me...
I instantly freeze.
Something about her.
I've never known anyone like her.
People talk cap about her but I don't know why...
Is her looks acting as a disguise?
She is always really nice,
She is also very beautiful.
Why the hell cant I just talk to her like a normal human would.
Instead I freeze up and look like a goof.
She said what's good?
I stared at her stunned and then she repeated herself.
What's good?
I continued to stare then started to laugh.
What is wrong with me?!?
She is only a human being.
I don't know why I freeze up.
I don't know why I try to duck.
Avoiding her at times like the plague.
Sorry you crazy redhead.
I don't mean to seem strange.
I just really really really am bad at talking to people.
To someone I know
559 · Apr 2016
Rain
Ana S Apr 2016
One drop
Two drop
Three drop
Four drop
Five drop
Six drop
Seven drop
Eight drop
Nine drop
Ten.
That wasn't rain.
It was my tears.
The tears that pour from hurting people.
One
Two
Three
Four
Five
Six
Seven
Eight
Nine
Ten
Dead.
I don't know anymore lol.
Random poem
558 · May 2016
How beautiful she was
Ana S May 2016
Scared of being late.
I texted her nonstop.
Is it beginning?
No not yet.
I waited for her but ended up going in alone.
Which is absolutely okay. :)
When I went it I was lost.
A big casino.
Looking for one group of people.
It heavily smelled of cigarette smoke.
Memories of the past flooded.
But they were only pushed down.
When I was told where to go and did find it immediately my eyes found her.
Yes she was here.
I went off to my own date and I guess that was good.  
I danced occasionally looking at her. Which was completly unintentional.
She and her date(I think) were extremely beautiful.
Her in service dress.
I hope you had fun.
I can tell you I definatly did.
To a friend who asked if I would write a poem about yesterday.
556 · May 2016
Set off
Ana S May 2016
I began.
Shutting everyone out.
Running
Run
R
U
N
N
I
N
G
From the truth.
I can't
E
S
C
A
P
E
Death.
I will die anyways.
Bring on death.
The
Sooner
The
Better
Death
556 · May 2016
I'm very much alive
Ana S May 2016
Countless nights I've cried.
But now I stand tall, I am very much alive.
Used to be small, I am very much alive.
The world had attacked.
Nobody here to help.
Then Emily came into my life.
She began to show me meaning in life.
I went to church with her.
Talked all the time.
Built up confidence a little more.
Then life opened about her door.
Melody.
The way we met was strange.
Just me being my wierd self.
At mendive you were different.
I said hi in the halls I guess you remembered.
Somehow I just felt like I could trust you.
Then we stopped talking.
We had never rally started.
Just small talk here and there.
No one really taking care,
To the few conversations we had.
Later in school we had both become a bit older.
Some of us a bit bolder.
Friend request on Facebook.
Turned into conversations at four am.
Those conversations turned into new friends.
Then then something else began.
Something I involving me needing to trust.
Trust you.
Yes love I trust you.
I know you know what you are doing.
Chain events
555 · May 2016
...Words kill...
Ana S May 2016
The gun to my head.
The bottle empty.
The cuts deeper than ever before.
The blood streaming.
Flooding my thoughts.
The words piercing me.
Singing to try to save me.
I am not going to be saved.
I can not be saved.
Not when my baby is ripped from me.
Not when my wrists bleed.
Not when I cry at night.
Not when I'm dead inside.
**** I really am broken.
I pretend to be happy.
Pretend to be over it.
Pretend to move on.
Well it still haunts me.
I still hear the voice.
It is ******* killing me!!!!!
I'm dead!!!!
I can't do this anymore....
I drink a little too much.
Cut a little too deep.
Pull the trigger a little too fast.
When you find me I'll be dead.
Sorry.
Forgetting something unforgettable.
553 · May 2016
Stormy sunshine
Ana S May 2016
The sun is grey
Yet it lights up the day
Not all who see understand
The sight they view
I personally barely see past the grey
Yes there is blue in the world
Yes indeed there are lots of colors
Some people are color blind.
I only see color sometime
I am constantly battling the mania
Which can be described as all the colors attacking at once
And battling depression
Which is blankness attacking and the voices telling you to JUMP!
Whispering JUMP!!!!
Do it! You won't...
There sweet voices pleading.
Jump you beautiful girl.
People will love you on the other side.
You will be appreciated in the other world.
In the next world.
You belong there.
Just jump! Follow the light sweet girl.
Don't call me that!
Only one person I know can call me that and you are not her.
She is the reason I stay in this world.
It's not my time yet.
One day it will be, but not yet.
There's feeling behind the music I listen to.
"When my time comes around lay me gently in the cold hard ground." Not a day too soon.
I want to spend everyday on earth with the people who don't make me worthless.
Yes I understand I am sick in a few ways but I am getting better. Mentally I am being cured by having friends. My little nerdy sweet friend. ❤️ Love you!
And even though I will never not be allergic to majority of the things I eat and the allergies are getting worse and more are popping up its okay because I am happy now and know I have people who would care if I died. So I silence the thought and go right up to the people who care. They love me and I love them.
Cures come with friends.
552 · Jun 2016
Side walk
Ana S Jun 2016
Day by day I walk down this sidewalk.
Always alone.
Excluding the one time someone walked with me.

We walked down the side walk together.
Something had happened earlier and we had to get away from it all.
Everything is going to be okay I told her.
Just breath.

Never again did she walk the lonely sidewalk with me again.
Instead she began walking with a different friend.
Back to the old times.
Back to walking alone.
Sometimes when you seem alone your not
549 · May 2016
Take care of Emma.
Ana S May 2016
So I guess I'll trust you sister.
Someone I've never trusted before.
I leave you as Emma's mentor I guess you can say.
Emma is little sweet.
I'm leaving town though.
Getting out of this pathetic place.
Don't worry I'll call.
Just be there for Emma.
She needs a womanly role model in her life.
She needs you.
Believe me I'm not gonna be responsible for kidnap so take care of our sister.
Keep her safe.
Don't let her stay out too late.
Bye.
Promise I'm not leaving
545 · Dec 2016
Cancer
Ana S Dec 2016
My body shakes
My body aches
I have nothing left to give
I gave my life away
So she could stay
Just one more day
Every cry
The tear that seeps from my eyes
My heart beat slows
My skin no longer glows
My skin is pale
My body is frail
Breaking at the smallest touch
My hair used to be long
Now it's all gone
Long blonde hair
No longer there
Once smooth welcoming skin
Now dry unwelcoming and thin
I'm dying inside
But I stay for her
Not much more energy
Left inside me
I was living just for her
The love of my life now cries at night
Because I couldn't hold on anymore
Now I'm at peace
Died and just slipped away
I just couldn't stay
541 · May 2016
Lyrics from a song...
Ana S May 2016
Your a good good father...
It's who you are. It's who you are!
I am loved by you.
It's who I am. It's who I am.
Your a good good father!
A random song insperational
536 · Jun 2016
She's gone
Ana S Jun 2016
She's no longer a part of my life.
Can't help wondering if my choice was right.
I can't do it anymore.
It's affecting me in. Ways you don't know.
The pain is too much.
I'm no fighter.
You may be but I'm not.
With me the only way out is suicide.
I'm not going back to that alternative ever.
Yes goodbyes are forever.
But that doesn't mean never.
Never again shall we talk because...
One day we might both get our **** together.
One day maybe our paths will cross.
For now we don't associate with each other.
It's impossible.
Can't happen.
Remember I do love you.
But nothing more than a friend.
Sorry Chick
You've got Her anyways.
And for some reason I knew this would happen.
The world is cruel.
I told you I'd be toxic in your life.
And look what happened.
Unwanted drama.
Remember I'm always here for you.
That's about it...
Goodbyes are forever.
531 · May 2016
stepping into the light
Ana S May 2016
Hey guys I wanted to appoligize for not writing as much as I used to. I've been going through a lot recently. Now I am overcoming the recent patch of life and stepping into the light. I am going to be starting a page on the social media site Facebook specifically for this page of poems because I really want to hear from you guys. My poems are about problems many people go through and often directed toward LGBT adults and youth. I would love if you all went and like the page. Hopefully the page can be fun and a bit of a support group. In an upcoming post I will give the link to the page all are welcome. Even if u are not following this page. Just if you have problems and would like a place to speak out and feel okay please come and check it out. Thanks guys. Thank you for all the support and I hope you are all okay and just know you can hit me up if you ever need someone to listen.
528 · Jul 2016
My eyes see
Ana S Jul 2016
My eyes see pain in hers.
She's sad and I can't stand to see her this way.
Her hearts in pieces shattered day by day.
I'm sorry sweet girl.
Stay strong love.
I hope you know this is for you.
You will eventually find the one for you.
She or he will be loving and strong.
Making you happy when things go wrong.
They will hug you and everything will be okay.
The only person you want to stay. Sweet Emily,
I've been reading your poetry.
I'm sorry if I bother you.
Promise to stay strong for me.
You are absolutely amazing!
Someone will come along.
And then it will be easier for you to be strong.
Love you... This is for you
525 · Apr 2016
Song quotes 1
Ana S Apr 2016
My chemical romance dead...

"...And if your heart stops beating I'll be here wondering, did you get what you deserved? The ending of your life? And if you get to heaven I'll be here waiting baby, you get what you deserve. So when your heart won't take then this heart you break. Your dead..."

I can't help wondering if I will be going to hell.
There's really no way to tell.
Sure you can spend your life begging for forgiveness.
But what makes you think it covers your sins.
Almost every day I get the feeling I'm going to hell.
I know why it's the reason I fell.
Ascended from the good girl I was.
Ana S Mar 2016
Unlike a fox you are ever so obvious.
Yet like a crow you assumed I would never know.
Head up in the clouds.
Left me down on earth head throbbing around.
I can't do it.
I can't do it.
I'm sorry my love.
I killed a perfectly good dove.
So pure and loving.
She turning into nothing.
Needs never met.
Catching whatever you can in a net.
Some **** here.
Oh have some Ecstasy my dear.
How about a smoke.
Take down this pill with a coke.
Well *******.
And **** everything you do.
I hate you so much.
And to think we had something we called love.
I don't care anymore.
To an ex girlfriend...
523 · Apr 2016
Hello....
Ana S Apr 2016
Let me guide you to the light.
Let me provide safety in the nights.
Sweet heart I Refuse to let go.
I am here.
Here
To
Hold
You
So...
❤️
Just a quick but meaningful write
523 · Feb 2018
A bullet off the tongue
Ana S Feb 2018
What is the point of living,
If you were never alive?

What's the point of breathing,
If you never opened your eyes.

Grasping the cold harsh reality of life.
Gasping for the air never to enter your lungs.

As a young child you were handed a gun.
A gun called English vocabulary.

Capable of tearing a person apart.
With a simple hiss of you voice.

Ruining once a good life.
With the bullet called your tongue.
520 · Apr 2016
Thoughtless
Ana S Apr 2016
Thoughtlessly I wander.
Wander back and fourth.
Here I sit and ponder.
What if I never was here?
Let go of a tear.
What if I just stepped away.
Never stepped into the light of about her day?
I wonder who would be sad.
Or on the contrary who would be glad.
Dad wouldn't mind.
Mom wouldn't be far behind.
I know it would crush many.
Put smiles on some.
When I'm done I'm done.
Not how I'm feeling rn just wrote this!
520 · Jan 2016
The little girl
Ana S Jan 2016
A little girl scared to reach out.
She hesitated with doubt.
Always too scared to ask.
Small and clueless hidden behind hates mask.
No one heard her screams.
People laughed and said honey it's not as dark as it seems.
Held close by her partner at night.
The littlest mistakes causing largest fights.
I'm sorry baby.
Nobody could save me.
This little girl wandered her mind.
Aimlessly wondering what she could find.
She found a razor and began.
Blood streaming down her hand.
She found a broken relationship.
I'm sorry I just couldn't get a grip.
This little girl went on.
Shy and helpless as a fawn.
Then as she grew older.
She became bolder.
A drink here and there.
A mind filling her head with dare.
Take one more pill.
You haven't yet had your fill.
One two three four.
Now that I've started why not take more.
I was in a hospital that night.
The doctors walking past were blurs of white.
This little girl has taken too many.
This little girl has had plenty.
She came in a broken masterpiece.
As far from sober as she could be.
That night the girl decided to be strong.
She jumped of the building to where she thought she belongs.
That little girl jumped in her mind.
Don't worry she is perfectly fine.
On the outside anyways.
We will just say its been a rough couple of days.
This little girl is far from home
518 · Mar 2016
Suffocating
Ana S Mar 2016
Dancing.
I dance on the clouds sometimes.
There times I am buried deep.
Almost too deep.
Too deep.
I'm sofficiating!
I can't breeth!
The pressure everyone puts on me.
No mum it's not athsma.
It's anxioty.
Plastic wrap around my lungs.
Tighter.
I'm dead.
Only on the inside though.
Still alive, sorta, on the outside.
Dead
515 · May 2016
Because of my emo friend
Ana S May 2016
Black hair
Always there
Brown eyes
Glow at night
Sweet skin
Drawing me in
Long gone
Nothing but a forgotten song
I left you
It was stupid to do
Ill never get you back
I'm always under attack
You are still my only love
My pure white dove
I cry every night
Hold myself tight
Remember you there with me
Giving the life I couldn't see
I will never forget
You made me feel lit
A feeling I never had
Now I'm so very sad
But love don't feel bad
It had to happen
My life beauty always ends
Just a quick write
509 · Apr 2016
My girlfriend
Ana S Apr 2016
My girlfriend is in middle school.
My grandma said that is an issue.
She had never approved.
Aproved of my homosexually tendencies.
She told me it was a sin a tragedy.
It's a sin.
Grandma you aren't even religious.
It doesn't matter you are still a sin.
A sin in the making
500 · Apr 2016
Quote from song #1
Ana S Apr 2016
You've changed...
You've changed...
Your minds been rearanged....
Leaves become
Most beautiful
When they're
About
To
Die
When they're
About
To
Fall
From
Trees
When they're
About
To
Dry
Up...
Leaves become
Most beautiful
When they're
About
To
Die
When they're
About
To
Fall
From
Trees
When they're
About
To
Dry
Up...
And I don't want to... I don't want to...
Regina Spector "time is all around"
Good song
Ana S May 2017
In a world full of people whom claim to be something I have encountered quite a few nothings.
The nothings who feel the need to flaunt accomplishments in the other somethings faces.
The nothings who brag on and on about how they are the most important something.
I've also met a few somethings.
The ones who hide behind their creativity and silence.
The somethings who can't speak in crowds.
And funny thing is all the nothings who identify as something bring all the somethings identifies as nothings down.
They are the ones who make the somethings think they are nothing.
Than nothing and something
494 · Mar 2016
Laced with love
Ana S Mar 2016
Dark hair,
Eyes that stare,
Deep into my soul,
Two people grow old,
A warm fuzzy feeling,
My heart she's slowly stealing,
I would give it to her,
Tell her to take it fast,
Act as if every word was our last,
I don't want her to go,
Her power over me is my greatest fo,
Laced with beauty,
Never able to see what I see,
Her beautiful eyes,
Inviting insanity inside,
I love you,
I know,
When love hits hard
491 · Feb 2018
the heart
Ana S Feb 2018
Staring at the glass case,
A broken room, a broken memory,
Yet a beautiful little gold heart necklace.

Memories,
A girl once wore this,
Her sweet lover could have given it to her,
Or even maybe her grandmother.

Maybe her dad worked long hard hours to get this beautiful heart,
Maybe he came home one night,
Held behind his back,
Told her to close her eyes tight.

Maybe it was a gift to a young girl,
a young girl who was her mother’s princess,
a cherished baby with a beautiful name like Eeveenna,

Sadly in that case it is not the truth,
This necklace came from a very broken owner,
Given to her by a distant lover,
At times the lover would hold her close,
Other times shed come home to a closed fist.
Sometimes screaming voices surrounded the necklace as it was around her neck,
Other times it felt the tears the girl cried,

It followed her to the place where shed receive help,
Help from her past,
Help with how to cope with the trauma.

Dad had left,
The girl remembered all the assumptions that the necklace has been given to her,
A dead beat father,
A mom out of control.
A necklace that should be burned as the memories are forgotten
The memories this girl will never forget.

This is no necklace without a past.
A simple gift turned into something that would follow her to her grave,
This tiny gold heart,
Worn and old,
A necklace that would be kept till the day she decayed.

But as I look into this glass case,
A worn down necklace,
A necklace with a story,
A long dark story,
A story never to be told,
A story that die with the girl…
487 · Feb 2017
My thoughts on death
Ana S Feb 2017
I used to pray for death.
Little did I know I hadn't lived yet.
I was never alive.
Never saw the light.
Now I decided to live.
But it may be the end.
So instead I mope around.
Dragging my feet on the ground.
Emotions overwhelming.
Thoughts over bearing.
Ana S Apr 2016
No... No.... No....
Don't touch me.
Don't hugs me.
I don't like you.
Stop trying to do what you do.
Go away!!!!!
485 · May 2016
Heart pounding
Ana S May 2016
Heart pounding
Thought racing
I haven't felt this way since I was with Chae.
This strange human.
Amazing human.
I have no words to describe her.
Everything is flawless about her.
Her flaws I find beautiful.
What the hell is wrong with me.
Could I be thrown into this again?
Could it actually work out?
God I hope so.
Until then we will never know
483 · May 2016
Nobody
Ana S May 2016
That's what I identify as.
No longer as gay or straight.
I identify as nothing.
That's what I am.
Nothing to everyone.
Being nothing must make me something?
Wrong.
Being nothing means when you want to **** yourself you can't tell anyone.
You don't want to look like an attention seeker.
When you want to cut you can let a word out.
Don't let them see.
I am a nobody.
Nobody cares anymore.
Well nobody except maybe melody
Nobody
479 · Apr 2016
Numb
Ana S Apr 2016
When
Your
Body
Freezes.
When
The
Breath
Won't
Stay
In
Your
Lungs.
When
Your
Eyes
Explode
Like
A
River.
When
Your
Breathing
Becomes
Uneven
And
Hurts
Every
Time
You
Breath
In
When
The
World
Spins
Around
You
When
Wordsmashtogether
Youknowyo­uarehavingapanicattack
Youscreamfeelingthewallsclosingin
Help
Hel­p
Help
Help
Panic attacks
477 · Nov 2017
Bones
Ana S Nov 2017
That girl sitting there
Such a beautiful tradgedy
Her body a grave
Her mind a travesty
The memories that scream from the deep
The nights she stays awake when she should be asleep
A fine example of anorexia at its finest
Anorexia, thin and spineless
A ghost pushing on
No one questions what went wrong
A disaster barely alive
Her eating disorder began to strive
Pained by her surroundings
Few could see her drowning
Trying to stay afloat each day
Few questioned if she was okay
She was very much alone
'Til the day she was simply bones.
475 · Apr 2016
Glow
Ana S Apr 2016
My face glows.
My hair flies when the wind blows.
I had a dream again.
The one before her and I had our end.
Back when she still loves me.
Back when we were like family.
Her dark brown hair.
Mysterious eyes.
Why even think of her?
Every time I do a little bit of me dies.
Now I dry my eyes.
She hates everything I do.
The ones who I haven't ****** up are few.
She hates my guts.
Hated the fact that I was in a depressed rut.
******* Chae.
Why do I think of you every day?
I can't even hate you.
what did u do.
To an ex
470 · Jun 2016
The long haired chick
Ana S Jun 2016
Yeah she was there first.
I was nothing but a tool.
A tool to help you get over her.
Guess you never got over her.
You really loved her huh?
Love her enough to call me your best friend.
Get me to trust you enough to tell you everything about me.
Then turn around and stab me.
You ******* ripped my heart out.
Thanks man! Means a lot.
Always love it when the person you cared about kills you inside.
Not the fist time this has happened.
First was my dad.
**** the list is too long.
all these people have like killed me.
You hurt the most though.
I hadn't cut in months.
Now my leg has an x on it.
And ex for ex for friendship that didn't work out.
I remember the plans we made.
How you told me you wanted to be with me.
Then everything changed so fast.
You said you never wanted us to get close.
And then I meant nothing.
I was just a ghost who came into your life.
Then was shoved out again.
Tossed out like garbage.
That's what I am.
A ghost.
I'm dead now.
At last.
But only on the inside.
I don't know who I can trust.
Way to **** up my trust with everyone.
By hurting someone with trust issues you pretty much hurt everyone around me.
Now imma be hesitant to tell anyone anything.
I'm going back to living in the shadows.
Back to drawing on myself with a blade.
Na I won't go that low.
Even though I did last night.
I love you.
But I still can't.
I'm weak.
Not strong anymore.
You were everything to me.
I obviously made a horrible mistake.
I spent countless nights wondering if you were okay.
You probably didn't care.
You told me that I'm alive because love keeps humans alive.  
I asked how.
You said because I love you.
You obviously didn't.
I'm sorry for ******* this up.
So sorry.
I'm sorry for loving you.
Sorry for caring.
Sorry for hurting.
Sorry for letting the pain control me.
Just sorry.
But no I don't regret meeting you.
I don't regret a single word said.
I don't regret kissing you.
I don't regret sneaking out of class to be with you for a minute.
I don't regret anything.
I regret loosing you.
I regret not being whatever you were looking for.
My friends say I should hate you.
I can't hate you.
You can't hate someone you loved.
And I loved you.
I remember you told me not to love you.
That i was making a mistake.
And that your a better friend than a girlfriend.
I'm sorry.
Sorry that you thought that.
Sorry that your back in what you called a toxic relationship.
Sorry that I'm sitting here reliving the past.
Listening to your favorite music.
**** that.
I love you.
Love is evil spell it backward and I'll show you.
Love- evol
469 · Apr 2016
Writter
Ana S Apr 2016
Indeed I fight.
I write and write.
No no violence.
Violence is how people get killed.
Can't have that happen now can we?

Instead I stay up at night.
I write and I write.
The voices that scream in my head.
I put them on paper.

I've lost most of the light.
I write and write.
A friend drags me back.
Put discovering the light takes time.
Time I don't have.

The silver bites.
I write and write.
The silver runs down places only I see.
Others can't because it's covered.
Nobody sees thin lines.
Nobody sees scars left behind.

It exposes my frights.
I write and I write.
The shadows that haunt me.
They tap the wall in the dark.
Mom says they aren't real.
Dad says it's not a big deal.
I hear them.
They want me to do things.
Terrible unthinkable things.
Luckily I have some self control.
Barely enough.

I walk on a line that's very tight.
I write and I write.
The line can snap anytime.
It has before.
It left me falling into nothing.
Chae pushed me off balance.
I fell for someone not worth falling for.
I fell hard for someone not worth falling for.
Please help me.
I don't sleep anymore.
Atleast not without the drugs.
Not without the silver.
Not without the voices.
Not without her.
I still feel her here.
Somehow I'm glad she's gone.
I like staying up with the voices.

So in the dark of the night...
I write and I write.
I write and I write
464 · Apr 2016
They are killing us all
Ana S Apr 2016
So today is earth day.
A day where we celebrate.
After all the earth has done,
We treat it like ****.
We are slowly killing it.
We are filling it.
Filling it with trash and gunk.
Making it smell worse than a skunk.
We are contributing to global warming.
Yes we are killing the earth here is a warning.
Stop.
Let the earth live.
Stop killing it.
For earth day...
463 · May 2016
Silent
Ana S May 2016
I am quite.
Nobody listens!
Hear me out!
I am small.
Passive.
Invincible.
I just want to be heard.
Listen to my screams.
When nobody hears your voice
461 · May 2016
Scream!!!
Ana S May 2016
Running down the halls.
The dull white walls of those crazy halls.
Yes I was mid mania.
Screaming!
I should have been ashamed.
Then again it wasn't me who took the blame.
I needed to let loose.
I needed to Scream!!!
So I ran down the halls.
The white dull halls of Willow trees.
Yes I was there for five or so months.
Way more than the expected 90 days.
I was running.
The staff told me to calm down.
But I can't and I'm not hurting anyone.
I rannnnnn!!!!
Screaming!!!!
The hall Tecs stared.
I laugh.
Then later I leave my mania behind.
I lay in front of the blue doors and wait for the boys to come back from dinner.
Travis would be with them.
He was like a brother.
I lied by the blue doors.
Depression swept over me.
It was the mania dropping me down.
Meds were late.
I went and found Sammy.
She was my crush.
She had a beautiful voice and was like family.
We all were family
Mania
Ana S Mar 2019
What they didn't tell you about me,
They didn't tell you I have a problem called bpd...

What you don't see about me,
I am trapped, yet oh so free.
I am black and white,
Both at the same time.
Day and night,

Yet for some reason night is way scarier. No rationality behind it but it still is... oh it would appear I'm ranting...

What they didnt tell you about me,
One day I'm a writer,
The next I'm a fighter.
Fighting my nightmares.
Taking on friends double dares.

They have to be my friend.
Just my friend.
That would make me okay then?
Possession...
No that is not friend.
Confusion...
How does this thing work?

What they didnt tell you about me,
Is in no way can you ever expect what's next day to day.
You can never know what to expect,
But if we sway..
To far from what's next from day to day,
I will begin to hate,
I will probably make you late,
With my super sudden mood change.

I am zero to sixty in .01 seconds.
You love me or hate me,
I cant see the difference.
If you bleed out everything I will still be the same.
I hate being stuck in this stupid game.

When I want help my brain tells me I don't.
When I think I'm fine, my mind screams no you won't,
Won't be fine...
Won't be finw...  
Won't, be...
Won't....
Does he love me?
Is he with someone else?
What are we going to eat for breakfast on the first of next month,
What you don't know,
What you don't love me.

My mind is discombobulated all due to a condition called bpd.
My brain rn
460 · Jun 2016
Losing myself
Ana S Jun 2016
I am not sure.
Sure of who I am.
I feel distant again.
Uncontrollably far.
And growing farther.
Farther from reality.
All the pain.
And the world pushing down.
I'm screaming as the pain surfaces.
Everything reopening wounds.
I need my friend but can't bother her.
She's having a wonderful times.
I don't need to cause stress.
Wounds resurfaced
458 · Jan 2016
She
Ana S Jan 2016
She
As she walked, she couldn't help but stop. Stare and cry. Tried to lie. Hide the truth she saw beyond. A little girl in a little pond. As night set in. The horror was about to begin. Mommy said you left me. The only thing she could see. This little girl turned  white. And disappeared into the lake into the night. She ran home. Looking for the comfort of someone. But on her bed all that sat was the little girl and the cat. The little girl layed there damp. Next to her layed the broken lamp. She had hit her with it long ago. Then dumped her in the lake below.
Two sisters and a broken family
Ana S May 2016
I watch her in the corner of my eyes
Often looks can lie
She is beautiful in so many ways
I could get high off her looks for days
She has blondish hair
Looks around the room without a care
I know people stare
They watch me to
There disgusted by what they think I do
They are not right
No conclusions should be drawn from sight
She has short hair
A look of dare
A face that says everything
Her voice is beautiful and rings
She stays there like a stone
Beautiful and alone
I yearn to speak to her
But I don't have the nerve
It's not a good time, nor place
But yet again I look at her face
I would never know what she was like
Again I am just a ****
A crushing hard ******
Nobody ever knows
They are all fantasy
Never reality
I've always made things bad
Made my girl sad
I am done trying
Never knowing what these girls keep seeing
I'm a moody *****
Half the time I want to go die in a ditch
I take pills every night
Drink until I see the morning light
What do they see
All I see is worthless me
Never meant much
My ex said don't talk such
She said I cause the pain
I say I'm just on the verge of going insane
And anyways half the girls I have liked have been straight
In the end I found it to be great
At that I roll my eyes
Every time a bit of me dies
An I love you
Then a babe do you know what I do
The sad truth
It still kills me
And makes me be
The ***** who's moody
Who nobody really sees
I cry at night
Am growing less acquainted with the light.
I am going back to dangerous ways
Cutting my wrists with a blade
Today it bleed all morning
That was fun to hide.
I went in the bathroom to wash it
Watched a girl stare horrified and just shrugged.
Nothing left to loose.
I don't really have anyone except maybe Em and a few others.
Gosh if she knew how much she helps.
I feel like I don't show her enough.
Enough emotion and change.
I know I hurt her.
If she ever reads this I want her to know that no I am not okay.
Yes I look up to you everyday.
You made me out down the knife.
You saved my life.
Multiple times you've showed me light.
You've talked me out of suicide late at night.
That means so much you don't have a clue,
Emily just how much I love you.
To a friend I live dearly
456 · Apr 2016
Bleeding Out
Ana S Apr 2016
Here I stand.
My mind is under command.
The men in white took me and locked me in a room.
One that's only for the crazies who face certain doom.
Stay here.
Don't have any fear.
We shall force meds down your throat.
Shove a needle into your vain.
Not allowed to talk to the opposite gender.
If you behaved sometimes you'd get to help the little kids.
Sweet little things.
Some in for homiside, attempted suicide, or worse.
I was in for a sum of the three plus some property destruction.
Guess mutilating yourself when your angry doesn't help.
Can't go back to old ways.
She helps me stay fighting everyday.
Willow...
454 · May 2016
Touch less
Ana S May 2016
Soundless
Touchless
Frozen in times
Heart beating
Heart stoping
Sorry
Sorry
Sorry
Hate
Love
Confusion
Hurt
Paiiiinnnnnn
Im not okay
But that's
Okay
Nobody is
Okay
Save me
I tried to **** the pain
But have decided to let it live.
Pain hurts a lot
453 · Apr 2016
To church with her
Ana S Apr 2016
Short stories 1

  I sat there in the church staring at the ground. My breath was shaky and I was nervous. She sat beside me. Her eyes stared attentively toward the preacher. She told me God would help me. I told her that she helped me and made me want to live everyday. She had shown me life and shown me pain. Both sides of perfection and imperfection.
A short story
452 · May 2016
Hand prints
Ana S May 2016
A hand touched my shoulder...
Are you here for the art thing?
What art thing?
You shall see...
Now
I
Would
Like
To
Pause.
When you have no clue what you are doing.
Why you are there.
When you got there.
How you got there.
That is strange.
Now
We
Resume.
This girl touched my shoulder.
We exchanged words.
Then I woke up.
452 · Apr 2016
Her words
Ana S Apr 2016
I've wrote a poem about her before.
Never had enough words.
Can't figure out what to say.
Day by day.
She is the light.
The last person I text at night.
She is the only person I trust.
When my family turned to dust.
Yes there is my girlfriend.
She's really something.
To young to really understand bipolar.
I don't want to hurt her.
I don't want to be a murderer.
Like with Chae.
I still think of her everyday.
Blame myself for her addiction.
Blame myself for her pain.
Thought racing through my brain.
Would I be better dead.
Thoughts racing through my head.
I am going to pull the trigger.
Just not yet.
I'll wait til everyone who lives leaves.
Like everyone else I've ever loved.
I want to die
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