You don't have the right to build your own self-esteem. All you can really do is rely on those around you. That's why their opinions matter so much, and that's why you're so desperate to appease them. Then, you'll realize that they'd simply disregard your work--all because it came from you. Have someone else present it to them with the illusion of another author's name, and they might even praise it. Act as if only your self-perception matters, but really--the most important is the view of others. If that wasn't true, then people wouldn't be killing themselves. That's how the world works, and that's the mechanism you have to work with.
It's nothing difficult. It's just personal.
You, specifically, are a horrible human being. Live with that knowledge, and soon you'll stop being human.
You'd be a tiny speck of dust in an ever changing planet of specials. Yet no matter how hard you hope, you will never be as special as the others. You'd just be someone so extraordinarily ordinary--because that's who you are and who you ever will be.
It annoys you. It makes you mad. It makes you feel negative, yet all that really is is internalized jealousy. Act as if you're a good person, and soon you'll lose your freedom of speech. Build a persona, and soon that'll be your downfall. Cliche. Obvious. It's predictable and overdone, yet no one ever really stops doing it. You need to keep smiling in order to seem more approachable. You need to be friendly to make friends. That's not true. **** will be attracted to ****. The pathetic will cling to coat tails and so-called friends that are easy to manipulate. It's disgusting, but it's a decent way of living.
So this isn't really a poem more of a short story about my day yesterday.
I was in school, color guard, to be more specific. We were talking about up coming color guards and who's going to be on them. I already knew I was failing math and was just going to text gwenyth later, I was hoping nobody noticed that I wasn't raising my hand to be in colorguards. I kinda floated o the back behind everyone. Also because I don't like a few people on colorguard and I'm extremely shy around the rest. a certain person on Cg makes me feel extremely unconfortable and annoys me a lot. She always has to be pushing people and telling people stuff. She irritates me a lot. At the beginning of the year she told someone something that I wish I hadn't told her and ****** up stuff between me and another chick. Now I can barely even talk to this chick. I just kinda want to punch her in the face. She is always pushing me around and hugging on me and bossing me around. She can be okay sometimes but really annoying.
So we were all talking, then gwenyth looked at me... "What about you? Do u want to be on any colorguards?" I looked at her and shook my head.
I felt the walls begin closing in and thought I was going to have to just walk out of there because I thought a panic attack was about to grab me. "Just breath" I repeated in my head, "your not going to break that easy. What are you talking about you already are broken..." I looked up from the ground and caught one girl from Cg looking at me. She is one of the few people on Cg I trust. Her, gwenyth, another girl, and another boy are the only people I trust. The rest are freshman and freshman are hard to trust. I met the girl's glance then looked away. For some reason I find her extremely hard to be around because she is just unbelievably amazing. Idk how to explain it. She's like a poison darth frog, in the best way... In case this ever gets back to her. She is completly beautiful but people tell me not to like her, but I refuse to judge her based on someone else's words. She is nice to me and takes time to actually have conversations with me so she's good in my book. She will remain that way until I have a legit reason to not like her.
I continued to think to myself and just stayed calm. Then thank god class was over. I began to walk out of the school on my way home. Gwenyth was standing by the door and looked at me, "Hey! Swaim! Are you okay today?" I looked at her and practically meowed. Feeling like a complete idiot I walked away. I put my hood on a earphones in turning them up all the way. So what if I go deaf... I walked through the parking lot with the wind blowing against me. I looked at the grey world so dark. I took off my glasses and walked listening to Eminem blasting in my ears.
I finally arrived home noticing my moms car was in the driveway. As I approached the driveway I saw Chae. She was sitting on the corner I walk past everyday staring at me. I was on my last line with her. She sits there messing with nemo. I walked in the door and mom later there passed out on the couch. As soon as she woke up she began demanding me of stuff, get me water... Do this.... Do that. I did everything she asked. I messaged Emily hoping she might reply. Then Erika. Nobody. I ended up passing out on the floor after explaining what happened today to gwenyth. I finally had a break. Bam that sums up the day....
My day wasn't poetic
— The End —