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Apr 2020 · 116
Be brave
Ana S Apr 2020
Be brave little Elliott,
For it was not you who I should have be saying that to,
But myself I should have...
Little did I know the last year would be filled with broken dams releasing floods and pain.
A suicide and a partner who no longer just sees the love he has for you.
A virus and a life that feels forever ago.
Be brave little Elliott.
A dad who wanted to take your baby.
The shell of a person left behind.
Be brave.
A boyfriend who no longer just sees love in you.
Distant and angry
Then passionately caring.
But you know your not the only one he has those eyes for.
No matter how hard you try nothing can stop the nightmares.
Be brave because this world can make you feel incompetent and beaten.
Be brave little me.
Be brave me.
Jul 2019 · 3.3k
He is
Ana S Jul 2019
He is
And isn’t.
He will be.
And can’t be.
He is the fire in my heart.
And the ocean in my eyes.
The laughter in my pain.
And the pain in my laughter.
He is,
And isn’t.
He is there.
But never constant.
He is.
And isn’t.
He can.
And can’t be.
I’m his,
Yet he isn’t mine.
I love him...
and he is.
And he isn’t.
Love me daddy,
I don’t crave the pain anymore.
I crave his love.
No longer to satisfy.
To be loved will cure my cries.
He is the ocean in my eyes.
The tears behind my dark lies.
Simply just a friend.
A casual *** partner.
Love me,
Why don’t you.
And I’m not good.
No good for you.
I’ll let you do whatever you want to.
Punish me daddy.
Make me bleed.
Make me feel.
Anything,
Other than this cold numb,
Love me.
Make me feel.
Love again.
Love me
Ana S Mar 2019
What they didn't tell you about me,
They didn't tell you I have a problem called bpd...

What you don't see about me,
I am trapped, yet oh so free.
I am black and white,
Both at the same time.
Day and night,

Yet for some reason night is way scarier. No rationality behind it but it still is... oh it would appear I'm ranting...

What they didnt tell you about me,
One day I'm a writer,
The next I'm a fighter.
Fighting my nightmares.
Taking on friends double dares.

They have to be my friend.
Just my friend.
That would make me okay then?
Possession...
No that is not friend.
Confusion...
How does this thing work?

What they didnt tell you about me,
Is in no way can you ever expect what's next day to day.
You can never know what to expect,
But if we sway..
To far from what's next from day to day,
I will begin to hate,
I will probably make you late,
With my super sudden mood change.

I am zero to sixty in .01 seconds.
You love me or hate me,
I cant see the difference.
If you bleed out everything I will still be the same.
I hate being stuck in this stupid game.

When I want help my brain tells me I don't.
When I think I'm fine, my mind screams no you won't,
Won't be fine...
Won't be finw...  
Won't, be...
Won't....
Does he love me?
Is he with someone else?
What are we going to eat for breakfast on the first of next month,
What you don't know,
What you don't love me.

My mind is discombobulated all due to a condition called bpd.
My brain rn
Jan 2019 · 187
New year
Ana S Jan 2019
It's a new year,
But the same old ******* scars.
It's a new year.
But the passing cars.
All blurs to me
Hey breath.
A new year with the same old ******* scars.
A new year
Still feeling really ******* far.
Far away.
From him
From her
From me.
Maybe it's a new year.
But still enough time to notice nobody ******* wants me  
No pain here.
Fight your tears.
No pain here
On this new year
With the same old ******* scars.
No pain.
Cover it with makeup.
But makeup cant hide
The bad luck
Sad ****.
Tear
Mascara running eyes.
Nobody cries.
Nobody cries here.
Slit your wrists move on with it.
A new year with the same old ******* scars.
A new year with the fake *** plastic cars.
In a fake world
Paper towns.
Alone
Nobody around.
It's your fault for being
Say
You,
My fault for breathing.
A new year.
The same old **** scares.
Isn't it bazaar.
You **** towards recovery
When all you ficking need is somebody
A family
Any thing.
Something.
Leave your legacy.
Bury it 6 feet under ground.
The only day they notice your not around.
When your dead.
Why dont they get it through there head.
Miss me when I'm gone.
But hey nobody cares till your gone.
Why did it get this far.
How did this go on?
Gotta be dead for them to see what's actually wrong.
A new year the same old ******* scars.
Jun 2018 · 223
You won't
Ana S Jun 2018
You won't find me complaining  about being alone,
You couldn't picture me praying for anyone,
someone to just come home.

You won't find me hiding in my room,
You couldn't picture me trapped inside this bed like tomb.

You wont find me...
You couldn't find me.

You won't find me,
You couldn't picture me, depressed.

Depressed,
a word I'll never be,
lies.

Lies hide behind the tear you won't find,
Depressed,
YOU WONT FIND ME
Jun 2018 · 889
Sooner
Ana S Jun 2018
Sooner or later it gets to you,
All the I love you,
All the I miss you,
All the I need you,

Sooner or later it gets to you,
Sleeping in late,
conversations delayed,
Don't go out,
Don't...

Sooner or later,
It gets to you,
Depression catches up.
May 2018 · 229
Cardiopulmonary distress
Ana S May 2018
Grievance is the functioning body,
Cardiopulmonary distress is the paving of the road to the end,
And with every beat, every pump, it gets closer to failure,
And yet still in the distress it continues,
Continues to pump the blood through the arteries,

You say the greatest heart is yours, the one that grieves passionately,
The one that jumps out of your chest as it speeds up,
The one that could stop all in a second,
That grieved when she took her last breath,
When you believe your heart would go into myocardial infarction.

You’ve felt it in the hardest push,
And in the loudest pump,
Yet you never,
Allowed it to stop in functioning,
To stop pumping the blood.
Apr 2018 · 260
S.M.
Ana S Apr 2018
A rant on you.
When a fire lights desire,
no longer a childish stare,
no longer a desire to have him physically there,
because after a while,
of giving out the eyes of a child,
the physical pain you claim to feel,
Is numbed,
Its a pain that can't be numbed,
but he numbs it.
Like the oxy snorted over a late night cup of tea,
Except instead of oxy it is he,
addicting
a ****, yes,
that he can be,
me too, but he loves me,
and I love him,
so instead of a deep childish stare,
I no longer need him physically there,
I know he loves me wherever he is,
Apr 2018 · 516
Tumor
Ana S Apr 2018
Trembling beneath my hands
If I could I would rip it out of you,
Your pain, your cries,
But the tumor metastasizes.

Tumor never die.
Tumor holding on tight,
Tight to the very foundation of our lives,
You.

You are everything,
The first and my last each day,
The distant prays all aimed towards you,
Let him be okay,

Trembling beneath my hands,
Holding tight unable to release,
The tumor clinging to you from beneath.
I'm Scared
Apr 2018 · 252
Life
Ana S Apr 2018
Spiraling out of control.
Who was once someone special is now a crazy **** head.
Friend I never thought I'd love.
He came around and changed my world.
You'll be okay.
Slowly showed me a new reality away from her.
Scared to be treated right.
I don't know the feeling of right.
I only know what hands do at night.
The hands that touch me in places I'm afraid of.
The hands that hit me when I won't sit by the door.
The hands that cut my leg and left a scar.
So I'm scared to be loved right.
I know the feeling of screaming for her to get away.
I know the feeling of being held down as she does what she wants.
I know the feeling of being told I'm not enough.
For I'm not even capable of killing myself.
I know what she does.
I know what she's done.
***** by her friend.
Violated over and over again.
Drugged and abused.
Feeling lost and used.
He came around and carried me out of the dark.
His hands are gentle.
His heart is warm.
His touch is soft and loving.
He holds my broken peices and has glue in bulk.
Yes spinning out of control.
**** heads.
No brains.
He took my heart away.
Reveled infront of me.
He is all I see.
I love him.
He loves me.
The pain of my broken past.
The one that haunts.
No longer all I see.
For once there is more.
With him.
Apr 2018 · 352
The FDA Said It Was OKAY
Ana S Apr 2018
Today in an ****** epidemic,
Little feeling empathetic.
Empathetic for the young lives,
Affected by this epidemic.

Mothers, fathers popping pills to make them feel,
If it’s okay according to the FDA then this is a real ordeal.

Inflicting pain on the young hearts
Families once whole, now ripped apart, hard.

For pain they call it therapeutical,
In reality place the blame on Pharmaceuticals.

The doctors who prescribed the pills for pain,
Only for the addictiveness to take over the brains,
The brain keeping us sane until we swerve a little too far out of our lane,

Into the rubble the car crashes,
You know you’re in trouble when family dynamic is nothing but ashes,

Once a loving mother, father, sister, brother.
Now they can’t remember one another.
A simple prescription turning into a burden, an addiction.

Your once young teenage daughter
Until the day we caught her.

Locking her door,
Always wanting more.

It began simple with Marijuana,
Then someone asked, “You wanna?”

This will make you feel nice,
But she never asked, at what price…

A simple anxiety pill, Xanax,
Then everything downhill, she panicked.

A legal prescription “Medicine”
Quote from Tomas Edison,
“I have not failed, I’ve just found 100 ways that won’t work,
But with a smirk
Now she’s aware, that is the perk.

That’s the confliction, the confliction with the concept of addiction,
Definition of addiction, the fact or condition of being addicted to a particular substance, thing, or activity.
Now that’s the subscription, you subscribed to the addiction.
Paying for the new issue monthly
Only the best for you honey.

Full ride scholarship,
Until she slipped.

All the way down, rock bottom.
Hit the ground, she couldn’t hear them.
Screaming for her to stop,
Until the day she climbed to the rooftop,

She didn’t ever fall,
Maybe it would have been best for her after all,
If she jumped to let go,
Because after all we know how far she’ll go.

The constant desire,
The desire to light the fire,
The fire under her pipe, doing what the monster said was right.

The finding of the final stage, the monster,
The true destruction of your once perfect girl.
She took the blame,
Her mother claimed it was her who felt the pain,
The pain forcing her to take the blame when it was just her best interest to maintain,
Keep her brain happy before she go insane,
Insane from all the pain that a simple pill caused,
She’s simply trying to maintain…

Do we blame the victim?
Push them down kick them?
The true destruction of her mind,
Something legal,
Yet truly evil.

If it’s FDA approved,
Is it really okay to do?
Dedicated to AC
Apr 2018 · 15.4k
Weight Obsessed Society
Ana S Apr 2018
Today in an overweight society,
The type of society that deals anxiety,
Anxiety, anxiety, in this overweight society.

Today in an overweight society,
The type of society where diet pills are a normality,
Normality, Normality in an overweight society.

Today in the eyes of an underweight tragedy,
Influenced so greatly by an overweight society,
Tragedy, Tragedy, in an overweight society.

Influenced by a society of fatty foods,
Fear becoming a more common mood,
The fear of falling into the normality
The normality of this tragedy.
The overweight society.

Influence by obesity.
Striving to be what their minds see,
The minds of the children trapped,
Trapped by this overweight society.

Influenced by the skinny girls on TV
Only followed by ads showing fatty foods society demans you eat
Have a cheeseburger, upgrade to a large fry, yet still look like her, it's pounded in her mind.

Young minds believe what they see.
Morphed into the tragedy of society.
A society where eating disorders strive
A society where an 8 year old can consious you starve themselve to feel pretty.
The definition of pretty based simply on TV
Yet nobody questions this more than imperfect society.

Elementary ages childern being fed fat then forced to stand in front of a mirror.
Put a toy in poison and call it magic.
Oh yes, what a fantasy.
A fantasy forcing you into reality.

The reality becoming your worst nightmare.
The reality of your fears driven by society.
I'm overweight, yet pizza is the best choice for a happy family.

A society where mental illness strives.
Why can't people open their eyes?
Spoon feeding childern poison and expecting them to love themselves.

In school teachers force health into thier minds.
At home, parents feed them poison to save time.
Re-creating, reprogramming their fragile little minds, yet still expecting them to feel fine.

Feeling down?
Have a happy meal, gain a pound.
Overweight?
Shame, shame, you must maintain the image.
The image forced into your mind.
           This was our greatest fall.
           Upon dieting we call.
           Skelington stave me.
Anorexia at it's finest.
Anorexia thin and spineless.
Some call you timeless.
But only recently you made your debute.
Make me feel brand new.
Reprogram my mind.
Make me feel fine.
Thank God for thinsperation.
Oh Anorexia, my new inspiration.
Make me feel pretty.
Just like the skinny girls on TV.
Loosing pounds, one by one.
Still weighed down by a ton.
The weight of pleasing it.
The nightmare society created.
Influenced by what we see.
Finally morphed into the tragedy of the normality of this weight obsessed society.
Anorexia will never win.
Mar 2018 · 274
Lost Child
Ana S Mar 2018
Little lost child,
the one I never saw smile,
Little lost child,
A baby the product of ****.
Yet a tiny angel who was to not exist
Young lost love,
I can still feel you now,
waiting to come back to me,
little lost child,
son, daughter,
child of the moon...
promise to come back to me. soon
E. M. B.
Feb 2018 · 1.1k
the heart
Ana S Feb 2018
Staring at the glass case,
A broken room, a broken memory,
Yet a beautiful little gold heart necklace.

Memories,
A girl once wore this,
Her sweet lover could have given it to her,
Or even maybe her grandmother.

Maybe her dad worked long hard hours to get this beautiful heart,
Maybe he came home one night,
Held behind his back,
Told her to close her eyes tight.

Maybe it was a gift to a young girl,
a young girl who was her mother’s princess,
a cherished baby with a beautiful name like Eeveenna,

Sadly in that case it is not the truth,
This necklace came from a very broken owner,
Given to her by a distant lover,
At times the lover would hold her close,
Other times shed come home to a closed fist.
Sometimes screaming voices surrounded the necklace as it was around her neck,
Other times it felt the tears the girl cried,

It followed her to the place where shed receive help,
Help from her past,
Help with how to cope with the trauma.

Dad had left,
The girl remembered all the assumptions that the necklace has been given to her,
A dead beat father,
A mom out of control.
A necklace that should be burned as the memories are forgotten
The memories this girl will never forget.

This is no necklace without a past.
A simple gift turned into something that would follow her to her grave,
This tiny gold heart,
Worn and old,
A necklace that would be kept till the day she decayed.

But as I look into this glass case,
A worn down necklace,
A necklace with a story,
A long dark story,
A story never to be told,
A story that die with the girl…
Feb 2018 · 293
Mornings revised.
Ana S Feb 2018
Frosty morning breeze.
Yet a sense of security.
Security when he is here.
Holding me,
Deep under the covers,
The cold couldn't touch us.

He was still asleep.
A warm unconscious face.
Careful not to wake.
Not to make a noise.

Just curl up close.
Feel his breath against my neck.
Warm and welcoming.
His arms still holding me tight.
This is how we lay most nights.

Ever so close.
Yet ever so far.
Five more months until her can hold me in such a way.
Five more months until life can truly begin.
Five more months until I can be with him.
Feb 2018 · 400
A bullet off the tongue
Ana S Feb 2018
What is the point of living,
If you were never alive?

What's the point of breathing,
If you never opened your eyes.

Grasping the cold harsh reality of life.
Gasping for the air never to enter your lungs.

As a young child you were handed a gun.
A gun called English vocabulary.

Capable of tearing a person apart.
With a simple hiss of you voice.

Ruining once a good life.
With the bullet called your tongue.
Feb 2018 · 266
The R Word (rape)
Ana S Feb 2018
Roll it off your tongue.
Watch it leave your mouth.
No this word must be whispered.

Said with uncertain doubt.
In society today,
America tends to sway.

Far far away,
Away from this whispered word.
Away from the sad facts.

Unfortunately this word is more than that.
The word **** is no secret.
Almost 1.3 million each year.
Your sister, your brother, your uncle, even your mother.
A sensitive word I know...

Yet they keep it out of schools.
When my teacher said the r word I though she meant *******.
A word more commonly thrown around than a word that should be spoken about.

My voice was shut down.
Don't use the r word in schools.
It's not a school appropriate subject.
Just shut your mouth and forget.
Victims everywhere.
Men and women. Adults and children.
All potential victims of ****** abuse.

You want the word **** kicked out of schools?
Look how it's all around you.
A poetry teacher unable to let me express.
A word that may hit hard to all the rest.

A simple statement about **** in relationships.
The R word shouldn't need an explanation.
The R word is all around us.

Still such a subject that it is to be kept hidden.
Shut your mouth don't speak out.
The word **** is such a thing never to be said.

Only until your the one it's happening to instead.
Speaking out is scary.
Probably even harder because in school nobody tells you it's okay to talk about.
Instead it something you just not say.

Girls and boys please listen to me.
You use your voice and you speak.
You practice your first amendment right.
Don't stay hidden,
Don't give up the fight.

If someone hurts you in such a way.
I know that it's scary,
And thanks to society today,
You may be very afraid.
Afraid to speak out
Afraid to raise attention.

Afraid.
Afraid shouldn't be a word associated with speaking out against ****.
Stop closing doors.
Stop making this subject scary.
Encourage people to be open.
Everyone has a voice.
It just needs to be spoken.
Feb 2018 · 1.4k
What hands do
Ana S Feb 2018
Her hands always quick to throw.
Spit the first words.
Throw the first punch.

Relationships aren't perfect.
Mine was far from.
Words biting deep into my soul.
Tearing me apart bit by bit.

I was a doll in her games.
Her hands constantly put up one me.
Non consensual things.
Yes **** still applies in relationships.

All the people would come to her house.
Watch the door while we roll this.
Watch the door while we crush these.
I was nothing but a pawn in her games.

Sneaking ***** into my drinks.
Calling me nothing at nights when I couldn't sleep.
Holding me close only to destroy me later.

A.C. Long gone.
Down a road very bad.
A road of **** and ******.
Going to collage to be a psychologist until she fell into the arms of the monster.

The monster she hold so dear.
The monster who changed her.
The monster clenching her soul.

This monster can be injected,
This monster can be smoked...
this monster is impossible once it gets a hold.

She became the monster.
The one I was afraid of.
Started off small then bigger.

Drugs won't affect you unless you do them,
A common mistake people say.

No, never once did they affect me.
Or at least I can say.
But that was a lie.
Depression, eating disorders, self harm, emotional abuse, physical abuse, trauma, hallusionations, trust issues, fear.
All lay deep within the hands of the monster.

The monster chokes the good memory out of me.
The monster put me on a leash.
Home by midnight.
Locations on my phone.
Who is he.
Why are you not home?

A controlling girlfriend.
Talk to no one.
Only her.
Her whom was held dear by the monster.

The monster took the form of a black blur.
The one that sneaks up when you least expect it.
Yet she was excellent at hiding it.

I'm fine.
Nothing is wrong.
What's wrong with you.
Why do you question me.
Keep your mouth shut or things will get bad.

Tape over my mouth because god you don't want to see her mad.
Clothing may have hid my bruises.
The emotional pain still apparent.

All because my girlfriend held a contract with the monster.
The monster held her at night.
And that is what the hands do.
Jan 2018 · 186
He is mine.
Ana S Jan 2018
Cigarette smoke.
Lingering through the air.
His long black coat.
And his scraggly blonde/ginger hair.

He isn't perfect to others,
But he is mine.
His hugs cause me to melt.
His eyes are mesmerizing.

Yes he's coated in the smell of
Cigarettes.
But he is mine.

Such a beautiful intelligent mind he has.
Such a smart man he is.
I'd say a boy but he is beyond that intellectual phase.

His intelligence would blow many away.
I can almost say he's lost his mind.
But after all,
He is mine.

Sneaking around in the dark of the night.
The gentle glow of the street lights.
Often times he brings me food.
Other times he comes bringing gifts of hugs.

Long warm hugs.
The smell of him and his cigarette breath.
Sour but soothing.
Only because I know,
He is mine.

Devoted to this man I am.
Dedicated and loyal.
This boy at heart,
A man in reality.

Intelligence bearing.
Beautifully deranged.
His mind is full of pain.
Yet he is mine.

He numbs my pains.
He causing the nightmares to run in fear.
Yes he is the man I hold ever so dear.

I'm not one to dedicate poems to people of love interest.
But he is more than an interest.
He is a beautiful toast.
That's a bit of an inside joke.
But again he is mine.
Jan 2018 · 197
Memories.
Ana S Jan 2018
Everything is dark here.
This is my mind.

Everything is dark here.
These are the lies.
The lies you say...
Just to get through another day.

A bird with a broken wing,
Unable to fly.

I'm the dark of the night,
Constantly trying to hide.
Hide away from all the memories.
Hide away from all the past.

Hide away from the people who roam the crowded halls.
In the halls I feel unseen.

Roaming like a ghost.
A piece of furniture out of place.
I don't match the rest of the decor.

But it's okay.
Dec 2017 · 164
Food
Ana S Dec 2017
Food is a common topic...

She doesn't feel loved,
She doesn't see light,

Her tears stain her cheeks every night,
crying into her pillow barely alive,

The hate allowed her disorder to strive.
The silence screaming down the halls,

Regret is the only word that calls,
they call her skinny,

she is beyond mini,
turning to dust,

starving herself felt like a must,
they call you bones,

You cant let the pain show,
hiding behind the glass,

kids stare in class,
you are nothing they say,

running home each day,
simply to avoid the rocks they throw,

never let the pain show,
starve yourself to feel alight,

everything is hidden with no light,
in the dark you sit,

only there do you realize life is ******* ****
so darling take my advise,

the demons aren't real,
darling just eat a meal.
Nov 2017 · 414
Bones
Ana S Nov 2017
That girl sitting there
Such a beautiful tradgedy
Her body a grave
Her mind a travesty
The memories that scream from the deep
The nights she stays awake when she should be asleep
A fine example of anorexia at its finest
Anorexia, thin and spineless
A ghost pushing on
No one questions what went wrong
A disaster barely alive
Her eating disorder began to strive
Pained by her surroundings
Few could see her drowning
Trying to stay afloat each day
Few questioned if she was okay
She was very much alone
'Til the day she was simply bones.
Ana S Jun 2017
Human beings... we have a flaw.
Can't you see?
Wait no, you can't see.
Only the others can see.
Humans flaw is we strive to achieve others visions.
It starts when we are young.
Mom wants you to graduate school with good grades.
You go out graduate school with c average or higher.
God forbid you drop out.
Through out school you dress to satisfy the eyes of others.
You act as a member of society.
Do what is seen as normal.
Once my therapist educated me on social norms.
Who is one to decide these social norms though?
Who decides what is acceptable and what is not?
May 2017 · 677
My philosophy of life
Ana S May 2017
Why is it we speak language. One uniformed form of speech. It's acceptable in society that's why.
Why is it if you can believe in a god that he still puts babies in the graves. Kids dying for illness everyday. Explain that.
Why is it that life quality still *****. I'm still here. Me and my bottomless bottles of pills.
Four of these. Two of these. One of that.
Why am I here.
Do I have purpose?
Maybe my purpose was to be a faint memory...
One to pass with the blowing leaves.
Either way i am here.
Either way I'm still clinging to life.
Pill by pill.
Medical ritual after ritual.
I am here.
Alive.
May 2017 · 210
Her
Ana S May 2017
Her
Even though there is a smile on her face...
Her eyes are still blank.
Her pale reflection.
It's the only recollection.
The only memories of her.
Anyone has anymore.
A pale ghostly girl.
The one who always slept in class.
The one who always had dark circles under her eyes.
The one you stared at when she would cry.
The one that one day you told to die.
What if that day she had listened. How would it feel having that on your chest.
You killed a girl.
You killed her.
A girl you didn't fully know. Judged by misconceptions.
May 2017 · 942
Anorexia
Ana S May 2017
Anorexia at its finest.
Thin and spineless.
Anorexia at its finest.
Taking away her will to eat.
Yes this is anorexia and its finest.
Let me tell you never once has anorexia give a **** about you.
Or her, him or me.
Anorexia at its finest.
Ana S May 2017
In a world full of people whom claim to be something I have encountered quite a few nothings.
The nothings who feel the need to flaunt accomplishments in the other somethings faces.
The nothings who brag on and on about how they are the most important something.
I've also met a few somethings.
The ones who hide behind their creativity and silence.
The somethings who can't speak in crowds.
And funny thing is all the nothings who identify as something bring all the somethings identifies as nothings down.
They are the ones who make the somethings think they are nothing.
Than nothing and something
Apr 2017 · 319
Depression destroys you
Ana S Apr 2017
Does the word ring a bell?
Ever feel trapped in your own
Personal hell?
Regretting every move?
Everything is dark
Storm clouds linger in the air.
Storm clouds that grow darker
It's not even sadness
Over and over the feeling screams
Numb is all I feel.

Depression is an empty feeling
Apr 2017 · 513
When your gone
Ana S Apr 2017
My body is numb.
I sit in this empty classroom.
Alone.
I sit here feeling bad for myself.
What's the point of making friends if your just going to die someday.
Leave them all behind to sit in your absents.
Leave them behind to question why the sky wizard chose you.
Leave them behind to feel sorry for themselves.
Sorry they didn't do more.
The only question is why didn't they care when I was here.
Why didn't they care when I was alive?
Why is it when a person dies all the sudden they are noticed.
People appriciate you after your dead.
Like a ghost I plan on being a faint memory after I'm gone.
Nothing but a rainstorm.
There and then gone.
Passing to revel the sun.
I'm tired.
So tired.
Everything hurts and my body doesn't like it.
I'm miserable and I'm like a plague.
I infect the people around me and cast a dark shadow over then as well.
Everyone I meet feels "bad" for me.
They don't really though.
Nobody cares until your gone.
That's the harsh reality.
Once your gone everyone cares.
Nobody cares until you've stopped breathing and your body is 6 ft under.
Apr 2017 · 365
assumptions
Ana S Apr 2017
If you crossed her and I in the halls you'd never think...
never once would it cross your mind that she is indeed not sick.
You all make assumptions.
Often wrong.
Yes, it is true her head is bare.
No, she is not dying.
No, she doesn't do it to revolt against people.
She doesn't do it to stand out.
No, absolutely no, it does not concern you or affect the quality of your life any.
Before you judge a person.
Before you give her your condolences.
Think...
just take a moment to think.
It doesn't involve you.
If you don't know ask.
Don't assume.
A write on a girl with allopiecia
Feb 2017 · 384
Lunch thoughts
Ana S Feb 2017
I sit alone at lunch forcing myself to eat.
I know I have to eat.
If I don't keep food in my system I'll continue my downward slide.
Exhaustion
Pain
More exhaustion
More pain
Atleast the testing has begun.
They've already ruled out all minor things.
So from here forward I get to be poked again and again.
Feb 2017 · 356
My thoughts on death
Ana S Feb 2017
I used to pray for death.
Little did I know I hadn't lived yet.
I was never alive.
Never saw the light.
Now I decided to live.
But it may be the end.
So instead I mope around.
Dragging my feet on the ground.
Emotions overwhelming.
Thoughts over bearing.
Feb 2017 · 368
Alive and fighting
Ana S Feb 2017
Fear... fear you have layen upon my body.
Fear... fear you have forced into hers.
Breaths... breaths you've taken away.
Made harder to breath.
You've brought a sickness over me.
I lay in this room secluded unable to force myself to get up.
Three days straight I've layen here.
Sick with this awful sickness.
Unable to move.
Today I got up though.
Today I found strength enough to remove myself from the room and eat something.
All thanks to a man.
He wished me the best and shared his story with me.
He told me believing you can fight is the hardest part and that I am strong.
I am strong.
I can get past whatever this world throws at me.
I will not let it bring me down.
Feb 2017 · 318
Seeking warmth
Ana S Feb 2017
My spaniel puppy lays on my feet.
I'm at home comfortable under my blue blanket.
It's a soft blue blanket probably one of my favorite possessions.
The spaniel puppy is warm and soft.
She keeps my cold body warm.
She knows something is wrong.
She's worried too.
Everyone's worried.
Lately my body has been caving.
Sicker and sicker I grow and I'm unable to cure this sickness.
My body refuses to fight it.
Over two weeks now what should be a common cold has made me miserable.
No I'm not contagious.
I have to sit out during sport activities because my lungs can't take that kind of activity.
My lungs aren't necessarily the best at being lungs.
They don't want to breath in air.
They feel like they are suffocating.  
It's an interesting feeling.
Feb 2017 · 1.0k
Don't curse Sky wizards
Ana S Feb 2017
I used to long for death.
Now I'm pleading it to stop.
Never appreciated life.
Now I can't get enough.
No forever is never promised.  
It can never be set in stone.
Lately my body has been deteriorating.
The only way to vent is here.
You see I have two lumps in my neck.
Nobody knows what it is yet.
Could be nothing could be something.
It varies from thyroid... lympth nodes swelling... all the way down to lymphoma, aka cancer.
They tell me not to worry.
It's best to prepare yourself for worse.
What if I am dying.
Atleast I'll be ready when my time comes.
After all we are all dying.
Life is inevitable.  
Life is unovoidable.
But death is inevitable as well.
There is no going around it.
You and I.
One day we are both going to die.
Maybe tomorrow maybe 13 years from now.
Life is not promised.
I remember last night.
I told her I could potentially be dying.
I told her not to worry.
I told her it probably isn't anything bad.
She tried to fight the tears then the began to flow.
Steady like a stream.
She was breaking because of me.
I told her I need you to be strong.
She said if I died she wouldn't go on.
She said you are the one I wanted all along.
What if this sky wizard called god is out to ruin us.
I asked why he would do that.
She just replied don't go cursing Sky wizards.
If there's a god I couldn't imagine him doing a thing.
Killing a girl at 16.
Taking my life when I've only just begun.
I used to beg for my end.
Little did I know I had only just begun.
Ana S Feb 2017
It all started with a memory.
Pushing its way from the depths of my mind.
Submerging into a thought...
The thought causing my stomach to scream every time I walked past her.
My emo blue haired friend.
Well used to be a friend.
At one point even a little more.
The thought slowly but surely turned into a tear.  
Then a storm.
The rain kept falling my mind clouding up completely.
I hurt my girlfriend to much.
It's all unintentional but it's there.
Anyways the storm turned into a lightning strike.
The lightning taking the shape of a silver blade.
The blade I had sworn to put away.
The blade I had hidden ever so well just invade and emergency came about.
I thought this to be an emergency.
So the lightning struck leaving a thick river flowing down my hand and arm.
A river of red warm regret.
Blood.
I liked watching my own blood make it's way down my arm.
It gave me a sense of peace.
Peace knowing I'm so lost that I rely on self mutilation to get through the day.
Everyone has their choice of destruction...
some choose drugs.
Acholol.
Then there's me and I choose isolation and pain.
Being alone is my worst fear and my number one weakness.
When I'm alone I can act recklessly with no one to stop me.
Not that anyone cares anyways.
That's all I want.
Someone to stop me and hug me and tell me it'll be alright. Still I remain alone.
Sleepless nights...
no lights... this is my life now.
The tears leaving my pillow wet and the river flowing thickly from my arms.
This is my life now.
Jan 2017 · 634
Dedicated to my love
Ana S Jan 2017
Roses are red...
Violets are blue...
I'm just gonna stop this crap...
And come out and say I love you.
I know sometimes I'm not poetic.
Sometimes really quite pathetic.
But you'll never find a girl who loves you more.
It's like one day I opened a door.
Let you in.
Gosh, I don't know where to begin,
How do I explain the day when it all changed,
How to I explain the way my mind became rearanged?
You were always there.
Somewhere.
I'd see you everywhere.
Smile as I walked the halls.
My thoughts bouncing off the walls.
Never had I met a girl so beautiful.
Never had I picture a new story to be told...
Willingly I decided this was all part of a bigger plan.
Gladly, I took your hand.
Slowly day after day,
Growing closer to you.
Until we were the inseparable two.
Your hand in mine.
Always by my side.
Eating lunch.
Following routines.
Everything simply meant to be.
Day by day I began to fall,
Harder and harder,
There was no going back.
My heart was under attack.
Quickly you won the war.
Taking over my heart.
Making it beat off the charts.
Every time I saw you my stomach spun.
I could definatly tell you were the one.
Never had I met a girl like you.
Never again do I want to.
(Didn't mean that in a bad way)
Your the only girl I ever want to be with.
Still asking my self on the daily how did I get so lucky.
Your...
Stunning,
Mesmerizing,
Beautiful,
Gorgeous,
Caring,
Deep minded,
Amazing,
Breath taking,
And everything in between.
So the story of us.
You've lived it once before.
Well only a chapter.
We have many yet to go.
so,
This book won't write its self,
So let me begin again,
Never going to reach the end...
I'll start this page.
Simply by saying...
I am madly in love with you.
And absolutely everything you do.
Valentine's Day poem for my love
Jan 2017 · 591
Cancer poem 2
Ana S Jan 2017
cancer is like a flood...
Unwanted and fast striking...
Before you know it it's taking down buildings and everything you were once familiar with.
Destroying everything...
sometimes without you knowing....
It starts small, you see?
A simple cell in the beginning....
Then it spreads fast...
Even if you build up walls and think it will never come back if can still come back....
Like the river...
You try to find ways to keep it from flooding,
But that doesn't stop it.
It comes back stronger and higher each time until it spills over and floods towns....
Cancer is like that except inside your body...
It starts small and if you catch it soon enough you can do stuff against it...
But sometimes it comes back stronger and destroys everything...
Random write
Jan 2017 · 744
Night and the day
Ana S Jan 2017
Night stars
Passing cars
They all go by as blurs
Lying here
Next to her
I felt at peace
As if nothing could ever come between us.
Her arm around me
face inches away from mine.
I could feel her breathing against my skin.
I love you I whisper as we lay her.
I can see her eyes in the dark.
Her beautiful blue-green eyes.
Staring into mine.
I love you too she whispers back.
At that moment I know exactly where I'm supposed to be.
Anywhere including her and me.
We are meant to be together.
Like the day with the night.
Without one there isn't balance.
Night must eventually go away for the sun to rise.
And the sun must go down for night to come around.
Together they work together creating a cycle.
A cycle of balance.
Without her my life would have no balance.
She is my night
I am her day.
Night stars...
Passing cars...
Always meant to stay...
At peace with her
Jan 2017 · 1.6k
Pain demands to be felt
Ana S Jan 2017
"That's the thing about pain... It demands to be felt."
-John Greene

Pain is inevitable.
Just like death you can't avoid it.
There is pain in sorrow.
There is pain in beauty.
There is pain in everything.
Even if it is the happiest moment it could still hurt.
You search and search for a painless event but you'll never find it.
The definition of inevitable is unavoidable.
There is no getting around it.
It will come into your life.
No matter how hard you try to block it out.
Pain is always there.
No matter what.
Jan 2017 · 3.2k
Til death do us part
Ana S Jan 2017
Here she stands smiling.
Grinning she stares.
A girl without a care.
Always lost in her mind.
Always careful not to waste time.
Still I wonder why did she choose me?
She could easily be with anybody.
For some reason we were pushed together.
A special day in smiths, all the way up till now.
The morning I can wake up next to her are the best.
I won't even begin to mention the rest.
My mind wanders as she lets me think.
I'm just taken away by all the memories.
Memories of the past.
Memories yet to be had.
I'll share them all with her.
She is my world.
I love her to death.
Til death do us part...
That's the words right?
Yes, til death do us part...
Ana S Jan 2017
Self hate is so much more than based off personal looks.
The way your eyes slant downwards or are just a little too squinty, the way your nose takes up a fourth of your face.
The way the kids tease you that your lips are too big or small.
The way that girl called you fat,
ugly,
skinny,
sick.
The way they told you you can never be loved.
Self hate routes from something bigger...
A fire burning deep inside.
Self hate comes from emotion.
It comes from the people closest.
The ones your told to trust.
Mom, dad, sister, brother, aunts and uncles.
Mom and dad used to fight...
Your older sister said it was all your fault.
You blamed yourself for so long.
Then one day you took a blade.
First time you ran it down your arm.
Let out your demons.
They screamed inside.
And now they are free.
Sure the kids at school all play into this.
But it's so much more.
If only you could see.
Within you there is still beauty.
You survived.
Therefore insperation remains alive.
You got past every name you've ever been called.
Every word your parents cursed.
You got through it all.
Jan 2017 · 687
My forever
Ana S Jan 2017
My forever feels torn away.
My forever grows farther day by day.
The girl she is now.
The girl I am now.
Our worlds a thousand miles apart.
All based off of two hearts.
Hers and mine forever unified.
People try to cut us away.
Our hearts grow stronger each day.
A metal shield around them.
But still I find myself frightened.
The shield is possible to wither away.
The scratched and damages others have made.
The metal is slowly exposing our weak hearts.
Still strongly together.
Never apart.
If the metal leaves.
The shield holding us in place.
If our walls come down.
So do we.
Forever so far away.
My doubts all in the open.
Shield fell down.
Still the hearts in place.
Held tightly by her love for me.
Tighter than any man made shield.
We will be okay.
I love you babe...
Our man made shield
Dec 2016 · 1.5k
The words she paints
Ana S Dec 2016
The words she paints so gently
Etch my mind
Her voice leaving me stunned
So beautiful and fine
Speaking ever so softly
Sending chills down my spine
She wispers in my ear
Babe are you really mine?
I am yours my love.
Always have been.
Always will be.
Til the end of this universe.
And life as we know it.
I will always be yours.  
Some don't believe in forever.
Some don't think about infinities.
My infinty rests with her.
She is my light.
She is my love.
Whispering gently in my ear.
I love you so my dear.
Is that so? I wisper back.
Well beautiful, guess what?
I love you too.
The words she wispers softly
Dec 2016 · 468
Firing range
Ana S Dec 2016
This is my fire range
The place I put my thoughts when they are rearanged.
Yes this is my firing range.
The only thing keeping me partially sane.
When I need to let go I hold on
This page gives me a new dawn
So yes this is my firing range
Where I fire the most hateful words
With a wirl in my brain.
Welcome to my firing range.
A metaphors
Dec 2016 · 481
Cancer
Ana S Dec 2016
My body shakes
My body aches
I have nothing left to give
I gave my life away
So she could stay
Just one more day
Every cry
The tear that seeps from my eyes
My heart beat slows
My skin no longer glows
My skin is pale
My body is frail
Breaking at the smallest touch
My hair used to be long
Now it's all gone
Long blonde hair
No longer there
Once smooth welcoming skin
Now dry unwelcoming and thin
I'm dying inside
But I stay for her
Not much more energy
Left inside me
I was living just for her
The love of my life now cries at night
Because I couldn't hold on anymore
Now I'm at peace
Died and just slipped away
I just couldn't stay
Dec 2016 · 1.3k
When I look at her.
Ana S Dec 2016
When I look at her I see pain.
In the dark nights I hear her silent pleas.
She screams about the rain.
How it never stops.
How it's pounding her Brain.
Yes down falls the rain.
Yesterday night she fell weak to the blade.
Told me she'd be strong.
Promised nothing would go wrong.
I went to bed only in the morning to hear her gentle voice say...
"I'm sorry I wasn't strong."
It's okay I replied. You made it through the night.
Oct 2016 · 338
When the sun goes down
Ana S Oct 2016
Many different people are out...
The sunset so beautiful.
Then it goes down.
Darkness.
Her and I sitting on the hill.
The peaceful noises around us.
Sitting close.
Her hand in mine.
She's so beautiful.
Especially her eyes.
The color drawing me in.
I lean in to kiss her and she pulls back smirking.
She asks, what's on your mind?
I can't even begin to describe it.
So here in the dark we sit.
Our words minimum, barely any.
The shadows surround us, so many...
I pull her close and kiss her.
I melt just by her touch.
She's amazing.
The way she wispers in my ear...
The way she freezes and stops when others are near.
The way she has to be high to feel alive.
The way she can talk half the night and still be nowhere near ending the conversation.
The way she smirks when looking me in the eyes.
****... I can't get her off my mind.
So **** amazing.
So love, when you ask what's on my mind, just know it's too much to describe.
I have nothing to hide.
I'm just mesmerized.
Sep 2016 · 313
Change
Ana S Sep 2016
Everything can change in the blink of an eye.
One second everything's great the next you want to die.
I honestly don't want to be here anymore.
I guess I'm hanging on for her.
We were had plans together.
Now they are nothing.
Reality went to dreams.
Now I will see her in my sleep.
Wanting to run to her and hug her tight.
Knowing I just want to stay out of sight.
She said if I cut so will she.
I told her she has more potential than me.
I begged her not to leave.
She said she'd need time to think.
I wasn't ready for that today.
She left me speechless no words to say.
Numb.
Finger laying on the trigger of the gun.
Not being able to run to anyone.
Her in the dark my thoughts run wild.
A ******* confused little child.
I want to light up agin.
Put my worries to an end.
I thought I was clean.
No longer had a need.
Leaning on nicotine as my only relief.
Smoking more and more
**** nobody cares.
People really do.
My mind denies it.
Just wanting to forget.
Addicted to running silver down my arm again and again.
The blade is one of my few friends.
Put the gun to my head the end.
A poem about life
Aug 2016 · 328
Love?
Ana S Aug 2016
Late night talks.
Hot summer walks.
The things we said.
The fire we fed.
It burned ever so smooth and bright.
Emitted a dim beautiful light.
Her and I.
Our dreams.
Our goals.
Our future.
I think I'm in love with her.
A poem to one of the only girls I have ever loved
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