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Ana S Apr 2020
Be brave little Elliott,
For it was not you who I should have be saying that to,
But myself I should have...
Little did I know the last year would be filled with broken dams releasing floods and pain.
A suicide and a partner who no longer just sees the love he has for you.
A virus and a life that feels forever ago.
Be brave little Elliott.
A dad who wanted to take your baby.
The shell of a person left behind.
Be brave.
A boyfriend who no longer just sees love in you.
Distant and angry
Then passionately caring.
But you know your not the only one he has those eyes for.
No matter how hard you try nothing can stop the nightmares.
Be brave because this world can make you feel incompetent and beaten.
Be brave little me.
Be brave me.
Ana S Jul 2019
He is
And isn’t.
He will be.
And can’t be.
He is the fire in my heart.
And the ocean in my eyes.
The laughter in my pain.
And the pain in my laughter.
He is,
And isn’t.
He is there.
But never constant.
He is.
And isn’t.
He can.
And can’t be.
I’m his,
Yet he isn’t mine.
I love him...
and he is.
And he isn’t.
Love me daddy,
I don’t crave the pain anymore.
I crave his love.
No longer to satisfy.
To be loved will cure my cries.
He is the ocean in my eyes.
The tears behind my dark lies.
Simply just a friend.
A casual *** partner.
Love me,
Why don’t you.
And I’m not good.
No good for you.
I’ll let you do whatever you want to.
Punish me daddy.
Make me bleed.
Make me feel.
Other than this cold numb,
Love me.
Make me feel.
Love again.
Love me
Ana S Mar 2019
What they didn't tell you about me,
They didn't tell you I have a problem called bpd...

What you don't see about me,
I am trapped, yet oh so free.
I am black and white,
Both at the same time.
Day and night,

Yet for some reason night is way scarier. No rationality behind it but it still is... oh it would appear I'm ranting...

What they didnt tell you about me,
One day I'm a writer,
The next I'm a fighter.
Fighting my nightmares.
Taking on friends double dares.

They have to be my friend.
Just my friend.
That would make me okay then?
No that is not friend.
How does this thing work?

What they didnt tell you about me,
Is in no way can you ever expect what's next day to day.
You can never know what to expect,
But if we sway..
To far from what's next from day to day,
I will begin to hate,
I will probably make you late,
With my super sudden mood change.

I am zero to sixty in .01 seconds.
You love me or hate me,
I cant see the difference.
If you bleed out everything I will still be the same.
I hate being stuck in this stupid game.

When I want help my brain tells me I don't.
When I think I'm fine, my mind screams no you won't,
Won't be fine...
Won't be finw...  
Won't, be...
Does he love me?
Is he with someone else?
What are we going to eat for breakfast on the first of next month,
What you don't know,
What you don't love me.

My mind is discombobulated all due to a condition called bpd.
My brain rn
Ana S Jan 2019
It's a new year,
But the same old ******* scars.
It's a new year.
But the passing cars.
All blurs to me
Hey breath.
A new year with the same old ******* scars.
A new year
Still feeling really ******* far.
Far away.
From him
From her
From me.
Maybe it's a new year.
But still enough time to notice nobody ******* wants me  
No pain here.
Fight your tears.
No pain here
On this new year
With the same old ******* scars.
No pain.
Cover it with makeup.
But makeup cant hide
The bad luck
Sad ****.
Mascara running eyes.
Nobody cries.
Nobody cries here.
Slit your wrists move on with it.
A new year with the same old ******* scars.
A new year with the fake *** plastic cars.
In a fake world
Paper towns.
Nobody around.
It's your fault for being
My fault for breathing.
A new year.
The same old **** scares.
Isn't it bazaar.
You **** towards recovery
When all you ficking need is somebody
A family
Any thing.
Leave your legacy.
Bury it 6 feet under ground.
The only day they notice your not around.
When your dead.
Why dont they get it through there head.
Miss me when I'm gone.
But hey nobody cares till your gone.
Why did it get this far.
How did this go on?
Gotta be dead for them to see what's actually wrong.
A new year the same old ******* scars.
Ana S Jun 2018
You won't find me complaining  about being alone,
You couldn't picture me praying for anyone,
someone to just come home.

You won't find me hiding in my room,
You couldn't picture me trapped inside this bed like tomb.

You wont find me...
You couldn't find me.

You won't find me,
You couldn't picture me, depressed.

a word I'll never be,

Lies hide behind the tear you won't find,
Ana S Jun 2018
Sooner or later it gets to you,
All the I love you,
All the I miss you,
All the I need you,

Sooner or later it gets to you,
Sleeping in late,
conversations delayed,
Don't go out,

Sooner or later,
It gets to you,
Depression catches up.
Ana S May 2018
Grievance is the functioning body,
Cardiopulmonary distress is the paving of the road to the end,
And with every beat, every pump, it gets closer to failure,
And yet still in the distress it continues,
Continues to pump the blood through the arteries,

You say the greatest heart is yours, the one that grieves passionately,
The one that jumps out of your chest as it speeds up,
The one that could stop all in a second,
That grieved when she took her last breath,
When you believe your heart would go into myocardial infarction.

You’ve felt it in the hardest push,
And in the loudest pump,
Yet you never,
Allowed it to stop in functioning,
To stop pumping the blood.
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