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WickedHope Sep 2014
why do i think about you all the time
you always seem to be on my mind
i'm running in place
and falling backwards to you
i can't explain why i want you to care
and it makes me so scared
i wish i could spend hours with you
but five minutes would put me in cardiac arrest
i already feel palpitations in my chest
WickedHope Oct 2014
what do you want
from me
i can't see
your goal
whatever i do
i can't gauge your
reaction
do you
enjoy this
are you amused
confused
like me
disturbed
unperturbed
what do you want
from me
i'll give it
i'll be it
just tell me
WickedHope Dec 2014
Bring it on
I'm ready to
Burn again
As you hold
The dripping wax
Closer
I'm debating
The pattern
I want burned
Onto my skin
Melted
Melt me
We're all melting
And he left my side
So what have I to lose
Pour the wax down
My throat
Maybe it will
Keep me together
Like he used to
"Wax."
WickedHope Dec 2014
oh what a pity
waste of mind
but decent body
brain decayed
but fun to play

      shh, don't talk
shh, don't talk      
      let me see you
let me see you
      

((body parts
never a whole
only parts
broken apart
the thoughts
as worthless as
the dying heart))

shame all those
craveable curves
are wasted on *her
WickedHope Nov 2014
You told me I looked hot today.
You told me I am ****.
And you said someday, someone will tell me I'm beautiful.
No, I'm sorry, you said someday someone will find me beautiful.
Thanks. Thank you. Thanks. -_-
WickedHope Dec 2014
I am tired of feeling like no one loves me.
...to try to breathe with lungs that insist on staying hollow?
Not enough. It's not worth enough.
WickedHope Sep 2014
the    other       day
                 she     asked     me
         what           is                the               cure
                                       i            simply    smiled
                               and      turned    away
      because   i    didn't                  know    how                to    tel­l             her
    that
                                               i
                                               don't
                                               know
WickedHope Jun 2016
I've been inhaling the scent
on the clothes you left here
like I'm trying to get high
because I'm already drunk enough
on you.
I'm not supposed to be in love.
WickedHope Dec 2014
That first night
The start of everything
You told me you were a liar
A skilled one at that
Why then do I believe you
Why do you ask me to
If you're just going to
Take everything back
I don't know why,
Why anything.
WickedHope Aug 2014
welcome to my
nightmare
is it a wonder that i'm
so scared
spend my whole life
praying
and
waiting
for someone, anyone
to care
is there anybody
out there
if i shout will you hear
hear me
don't you see i'm
breaking
looking at you
now i'm
shaking
what will it take
to feel loved
no matter what i
do or say
no one in my life
wants me to stay
if i ran away
would you chase
after me
suppose i left you
behind would you even
blink twice
maybe one day
you’ll find
me gone
because i
wrote you a song
that you never really
listened to
and now you’re
waking up
maybe
finally
seeing all my love
but none of it
exists now
you find me in a
quiet room
everything i
ever said
all at once
shouting back at you
you approach me
with wonder on your lips
hoping for a kiss
then
you see
that i’ve
destroyed me
and you cry
screaming why
but you know
that you lost something
that you never realized
you had before
WickedHope Nov 2014
every now and then i forget that no one loves me and i smile
WickedHope Aug 2014
You watch a movie
About a girl with cancer
Dying in a hospital,
A boy who loves her holding her hand.
You start to cry,
Because that was you,
Sitting in a bed waiting to die.
Sweetie
They call you, the nurses,
You have a brain tumor,
They tell you.
And it’s growing,
It’s inoperable,
Dead center of your head.

Dead.
They use that word.

You are dying,
Because your cells are trying too hard,
Just like you do everyday.
You are crying now watching this movie,
That girl was you.
Dying.
Scared,
In a Boston hospital room.
Numb.
Except no one was holding my hand,
No one is.

Now you lie
Awake at night,
Few years later,
Torturing yourself.
What if it grows back?
Life scares the hell out of me.
WickedHope Sep 2014
You and me,
Listening to Italian rock bands
Promising it'd never end...
The music stopped.
WickedHope Nov 2015
...
When you touch me, does it burn?
. . .
He used to say my touch burnt him.

I never really new what that meant.                                                  

                                                   That was before I set the world on fire.
                                                   That was before I set life ablaze.

The   oxygen   was   s w a l l o w e d   up.
Nothing   was   left   to   breathe   but   black   s m o k e.

        The   ash   c l u n g   to   my   hair   and   c l o u d e d   my   eyes.
                   Flames   w r a p p e d   around   my   wrists.              
                   Flames   licked   up   my   thighs,   over   my   hips.  

My creations claimed me as their own.
And made me as had I made them.
Guys, my titles are getting worse. Again.
Whyyyyyyyyyyyyy.
- - -
And this is crap. Whoops.
WickedHope Nov 2014
On a cold, brisk night like this,
There's no one else I'd rather miss.

Do you remember being so frigid
We had only each other for warmth?
Lying in the damp orchard grass,
Counting stars and counting laughs...

There is nothing we could not do,
Us together -- just me and you.

The clock struck midnight, one, then two,
Still we stayed, the whole night through.
Okay, so maybe the 3rd and 4th lines don't rhyme. So maybe it bothers me, maybe it doesn't. In the end, it is what it is.
- - -
I miss my Two A.M., darling, come back to me...
WickedHope Dec 2014
You're either busy and I'm paranoid,

Or I ****** up more than I thought.
Please talk to me, darling.
WickedHope Sep 2014
You picked up a guitar one day,
Fooling around.
I never knew you could play.
The song you played was my favorite song,
Though you had no way of knowing.
You were so beautiful,
Just being yourself
For once.

That was
The first and the last time
You ever played
For me.

That was the moment
I realized
I was
In love
With you.
I still am.
WickedHope Nov 2014
Where did all the people go
Those who promised not to leave
I wouldn't be upset, except
They said I wasn't crazy
They said they'd stay
They said words untrue
Now I'm without the people who promised
I'm without all of them
Because who really wants to talk to a girl for hours
So she'll stop throwing herself against the wall
I have problems
So many ****** up issues
And I push everyone away
Someone please fight me
Make me let you stay
Someone just hug me
Hug me until I cry
That's all I need
I need
Help me.
WickedHope Mar 2015
I can't even say          
                                                   ­                        you hurt me
with confidence.          

It feel like this so         
often I've begun          
to wonder if          
                                                    ­                         I do this to myself...

I want to cuss you         
out of my thoughts but         
                                                                ­            I only sink further
into them.          

So I'll pretend it's fine --           
I'm fine -- while          
                                                 ­                             I'm crying my eyes out,
because I don't even think         
                                                                ­             I can blame you.
Crying. Hating.
**** me.
WickedHope Dec 2014
I stopped breathing two years ago
I don't know if it was because of him or not
Maybe it was coincidence
But I was choking, sputtering for fourteen years of my life
Gasping for just one
And now for two years
I have stopped breathing altogether

My lungs are tared black
But I don't smoke
My skin is charred and burnt with open sores
Yet I freeze more with each passing second

I feel like I'm inside a trash bag
Or I am a trash bag
Certainly though I'm trash
I'm a corpse in a body bag
Soon
... Sometimes I wonder how much longer I'll be here...
WickedHope Nov 2014
Where does love go to die?

I wanna tag along. . .
***** this.
WickedHope Dec 2014
b  l  a  n  k                s  p  a  c  e  s


c  o  l  d       ­              f  a  c  e  s


e  m  p  t  y                 p  l  a  c  e  s


and then theres me… somewhere...
Boop.
WickedHope Dec 2014
Good luck figuring me out
I haven't even done that.
WickedHope Sep 2021
I close my eyes
You stare back at me
Down at me
Like I'm someone
And no one to you
I don't know which
Reality do I belong in
Everything is blurry
You tell me I'm yours
The slap across my face
Guarantees it's true
I open my eyes
The tears sting
As they slide over
The newest bruise
Adding a fresh pop
To the patchwork quilt
You made me
I hate that I want to see you.
WickedHope Jul 2021
All is fair in love and war
Was full of it

Because how can something that burns so quickly and leaves charred corpses in it's wake be fair
How can something that uproots the lives of many while leaving the lives of those adjacent fine
It is wholly unfair fall victim merely for being in the wrong place or time

Battlefields consume souls
No matter their varied geography
The path is always the same
Destruction can not be avoided nor cheated
Like Sister Death, both lie in wait
Lurking and prowling to devour the unfortunate ones
Praying for fairness that doesn't exist
WickedHope Sep 2014
You have no right to say my name
If you think that that's all there is to me
Judgement *****.
WickedHope Sep 2014
I want to be your light
       You aren't my light, you are the electricity that turns me on
I want to pretend that I can
       You don't have to pretend, I love you as you are, won't have you
          any other way

But
       So
I can't shine like your night sky
       You might not shine like stars but you are the only thing I see
I can't even fake a smile
       *
You don't have to fake a smile, just your hand in mine is all I need
A collaboration with one of the most amazing people I've come to know, done via text <3
The italics are him, the bold is me. (Title is also all him)
WickedHope Nov 2021
I've never cried in front of you
Because I thought you needed to see me be strong
But that was a mistake

You forgot I have feelings
You forgot I am fragile
So so fragile
So so breakable
You can break anything if you try hard enough

But I let you think I was composed
All this time
I hoped it would give you strength
All this time
I hoped it would give you freedom to grow
I now see my flaw
I have always played pretend a little too well

My best lies were always the ones I never spoke
You believed my silence meant I was well constructed
I wonder if I'll ever be able to make you see
That the exposed and crumbling foundations cancered by mold and rot
Are not a trick nor a lie

I wonder if you'll ever start to believe me
When I repeat that you were always the good one
You were always the good one
You're the good one
You're good
JJ let me know if you ever see this
Cause I'm pretty sure you ******* hate me
Which is fine
But I've always loved you
WickedHope Oct 2014
Why must I break everything I touch?

     Shatter every reflective anything
     Burn every hand that touches me
     Bite back at the hand that feeds me

Why must I be an accursed snake?

     Cold blooded and cruel
     Curled up with venum, waiting
     Lurking with distaste, hating

Why must I play both cat and mouse?

     Teasing, toying internally with myself
     Chasing dreams, hopes that get away
     Then running, searching for better days
WickedHope Nov 2014
why did you take my laugh
why did you take my sense of humor
where did you go
what did i do wrong
when did you change your mind
who did you go find
how could i have made you stay

why did you take my stars
why did you take everything bright
where did i lose you
what did you do with always
when did you last think of me
who did i hurt to deserve this
how could i have made you stay

why did i believe you were different
why did you pretend to save me
where did she come from
what did she say to get your attention
when did you chose class over connection
who did you turn into after Brazil
how could i have made you stay

why did you change instead of me
why did i drive you away
where did she come from
what did you even want from me
when did you make us a game
who did you think i was to be broken
how could i have made you stay

how could you have hurt me
You're ******* gone.
Over a year.
You're ******* gone, Andrew.
Come back. Please. I need you.
WickedHope Oct 2014
Why do I let myself hope anymore,
When I already know what's in store?
**** me.
WickedHope Aug 2015
We were walking through the field,
staring out at Boston.
I was choking on the whisper
of a memory of another here.

I gathered two wild flowers
and I showed them to you:
the familar
          Queen Anne's Lace has always been my favorite,
and the new
          I don't know what this one's called,
          but it's purple and pretty.
          They're both so lovely together.


I don't think you understood that
I was talking about us.
Hello.
WickedHope Dec 2019
If I'm the moon
Will you be stars
And keep me company
Even when I am dark

     If I'm the moon
     Will you be stars
     That let me stay
     Even if I'm different

          If I'm the moon
          Will you be stars
          Buring bright
          While I just reflect

               If I'm the moon
               Will you be stars
               Hues of gold, blue, red
               With my life black and white

          If I'm the moon
          Will you be stars
          Falling and shooting
          As I endlessly spin

     If I'm the moon
     Will you be stars
     That they wish upon
    When I make them loons

If I'm the moon
Will you be stars
When I rise in blackness
Will you stay beside me
If I'm the moon, will you be stars?
WickedHope Sep 2014
If I call you in tears three hours from now?
3 in the morning phone call?
WickedHope Sep 2021
All blood is precious
Blasphemy to spill
But some when it's let loose
Has a delicious, intoxicating feel
I used to think you were just rude,
but I guess you're a ****** too.
WickedHope Apr 2016
If you're going

to continue to violently stab my soul,

at least look at me.
"And I watch you come, and I watch you go.
With love,
- George"
WickedHope Oct 2017
"I love you."
Words can't touch me anymore.
My skin is coated in lies
Nothing penetrates.
My last hope is caught in my throat
And I can't swallow it,
Bumps and bruises are hidden behind
"I'm fine," "I'm just tired."
Words are branded into my skin.
They have left layers of scars
So thick there's no room left to carve -
So imprinted there's nothing left to root.
Nothing more to say to boot.
Prickly like a porcupine, consonants stick off of me,
Petruding like my long buried personality
Used to,
Like my personality used to.
Vowels form a new face of expressions
I was once able to pen for myself
But now
I can't.
I wear words instead of speak them;
I wear words like a coat of armor on top of my numb skin.
I swear words don't even touch me anymore.
There is no need to carry a shield ,
Instead you built for me a castle.
And I'm somewhere inside,
Untouched.
Not my best.
WickedHope Dec 2014
He spits onto my face,
And I wonder why
I'm still alive.
He shoves me against the wall,
hands at my throat,
And I remember that
death isn't enough
of a punishment for me.
"... is living."
WickedHope Aug 2014
what have i done
to myself a
horrific
nightmare
i have become
i am so gone
so far from normal
that it could be
beautiful if
it weren't a
pathetic excuse
for terror
WickedHope Nov 2014
If you know me,
      You know
           I walk away a lot.
                Not to find my own path,
          Not always,
     Sometimes I leave because*
I want to be followed*.
WickedHope Dec 2014
You know,

words are just letters

thrown together in clumps.
WickedHope Jan 2015
the cuts on my sides
and the bruises on my legs
are nothing compared to
your words
and my thoughts
deadly combination
Where did you hide the switch blade
you held to my throat earlier?

X
WickedHope Dec 2015
My silence is a barbed wire I choke myself with.
WickedHope Jan 2015
Have you ever seen a yellow sky?
Have you ever made a man cry?
Have you knocked on the cabin in the woods?
Have you let a friend down when it mattered?
Have you seen the smile on the face of the homeless?
Have you called out after that special someone in a public space?
Have you pleaded for another chance to change and be better?
Have you given everything for something you believe in?
Have you watched someone you love die in front of you?
I have my annual protest this month.
Trying to focus on it; something to look forward to.
- - -
Have you ever ...
Idk, it just happened, ignore it.
WickedHope Aug 2021
you                                      
made                            
me                        
beg                
for          
you  
...
and
you    
walked 
away
I hate it when I don't get to be the cat.
WickedHope Sep 2014
I am waiting
For you to have enough
To be done with me
Like everyone else
Please don't go.
You
WickedHope Sep 2014
You
I love the way you say my name with a partial whine
I love the way you laugh nervously because you aren't sure what to say
I love the way you look at me and my heart beat quickens
I love the way you poke me because you know I'm ticklish
I love the way you are brutally sarcastic like me
I love the way you don't give a **** about anyone else
I love the way you aren't afraid to do the things I'm terrified of

I love you for being you
You make me crazy.
(Actually kinda ended up being more about an idea of a person than an actual person.)
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