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Annie McLaughlin Feb 2016
Twisted together, chest to chest, skin to skin
strong arms shielding my tiresome eyes from the wicked of the night
Why would anyone take such safety from me?

Tossing my body delicately on the patterned carpet,
fingers playing with my sides lightheartedly, giggles erupting from within our souls
Why would anyone take such joy from me?

Whisper of voice blending so sweetly with the strings of music,
smiles cascade down our chins
Why would anyone take such peace from me?

Understanding glances without so much as an expression or an afterthought,
the sublime caress of vowels and consonants rolling swiftly through our tongues' exchange
Why would anyone take such love from me?
and I am not one to give up.
Annie McLaughlin Mar 2016
stop
stop
stop
come hold me now
it's getting worse
stop, please, stop
come hold me now
or drive my hearse
stop
stop
stop
i'm dying out
this life's my curse
885 · Feb 2016
slipping away
Annie McLaughlin Feb 2016
The more your clothes come undone
the more your heart does the same
.
.
.
874 · Dec 2016
fresh meat
Annie McLaughlin Dec 2016
grade nine, cold feet, new beginning
when is this going to end?
counting the scars, but only the visible ones
43.
is that enough to send me to the counselor?
i sit down, squint my eyes
****, everything hurts
but i can't complain
i did this to myself
"oh my god, what happened?"
pretty girl asks from across the table
accident.
that's what i say
it's always an accident.
day is done, get on the bus, wait to cry
second stop
i get off
go into my room
more scars
they keep adding up
i'm not going to make it past 14.
17 now
happy moments
oh, ****
i still have scars, don't i?
It's hard to write about what happened to me in 9th grade. It's hard to really acknowledge that these things happened.
Annie McLaughlin Dec 2015
if i curl my lashes
long enough
would it
distract you
from the wounds
around
my waist
?
801 · Jul 2016
what were you wearing ?
Annie McLaughlin Jul 2016
My shirt was too low.
It does not matter
If I fought back
Or said no
I was asking for it,
My shirt was too low.
799 · Dec 2015
m. u.
Annie McLaughlin Dec 2015
Y o u    D o n ' t    D e s e r v e    F o r    M e    T o    S p e n d    T h i s    M u c h    T i m e    O n    Y o u

A f t e r    W h a t    Y o u    D i d



B u t    H e r e    W e    A r e*
                                             I'm sorry.
messed    up
798 · Dec 2015
Disasterous Real
Annie McLaughlin Dec 2015
She attempted to burn her skin with the mere faucet
But no matter how warm the water became
the only marks on her skin were those previously left
by the hands of the rusty blade - hidden deep within her nightmares

She lay naked on the shower floor
****** legs and ****** arms spread out in front of her
and only she could make out the difference
between her tears and the running water

This child knew in that moment
that her every second on this earth had been a waste.
If only her mother, or the man that claimed to love her
knew just how empty she could feel
they would surely want no part in her disasterous real

So she lay down in the shower
as the water ran cold
and prayed for it drown her
with the small hope that there was still a God to show
793 · Feb 2016
the messed up part is
Annie McLaughlin Feb 2016
my wrists have been oozing blood
  for the past 30 minutes
and it still hasn't stung
Annie McLaughlin Feb 2016
I once did bear the flags and symbols
And pride
Of the star spangled banner and gun toters
And the red white and blue
And the discrimination of those "unluckily" not born into such a country as ours.
I once did support the presidential idiocracies and the government corruption,
That is until I ripped away the blinding shield
And recognized the joke that this state has become,
The troubles it has caused,
And the morons who actually believe they can better it again.
I used to be one of those oblivious cheerers
Hanging onto just a dream and a hope
That hides the dust and the bones
Of America.
I do not believe that my children deserve to spend their life
Growing up in such a messed up universe.
The first chance I recieve,
I am running,
Away from this cold morbid land
Unless they have killed us already.
781 · Mar 2016
who i am
Annie McLaughlin Mar 2016
I don't like who I am
I smile at dents in my skin
I search and I long for a sin
I don't like who I am
I turn all the boys into bloodbaths
Then I cry at the touch of their sharp wrath
I don't like who I am
I walk around reckless and staid
I would **** for my soul to just fade
I don't like who I am
I torture myself unconsensually
No wonder my mother disowns me
I don't like who I am
I hurt too much for too many reasons
I am punished as if committed treason
I don't like who I am
And I know you don't either
I don't like who I am
I can't stand my mind's seether
I don't like who I am.
770 · Jul 2016
he is
Annie McLaughlin Jul 2016
He is the sun on a rainy afternoon.
He is the voice that fills the silence in your car.
He is the strong and the humble and the proud.
He is the laugh in the back of your throat.
He is the hand that gives you support.
He is the song that you keep coming back to, years after your first listen.
He is the insomnia that keeps you awake at three in the morning.
He is the clouded memory in the back of your brain.
He is the kind of love that you don't even know exists until you've had it.
770 · Jan 2016
Green Light
Annie McLaughlin Jan 2016
Green light
Came to me in my dreams.
Green light
Told me I was good.
Green light
Shone all four bright beams
To let me know I could.

Green light
Said it believed in me.
Green light
Promised me love.
Green light
I believe was a prophecy
Of someone who loves me up above.

Green light
Woke me up out of my sleep.
Green light
Was just my computer screen.
753 · Jun 2017
leave me alone
Annie McLaughlin Jun 2017
I relapsed
it happened so fast
and now there's blood on my favorite hoodie
and I don't know why I'm so sad
I ******* relapsed
and my best friend hugged me silently because she saw the scars on my arm
she didn't say a word because she thinks it's not her place
but all I want to do is cry or scream in someone's face
and now I'm looking at my arm just before I fall asleep
and I keep thinking to myself

that looks really bad
that looks really bad
that looks really bad

it feels like no one understands me
I have nowhere to run
I've started pushing people out
I've started denying any fun
this is getting scary
how did this come on?
I relapsed, baby
really quick and really much
there's some blood drops on the floor
but if ever someone asks
I will say

Well, I don't know where it came from
but that looks really bad
that looks really bad
*that looks really bad
I'm hurting so ******* bad right now... Just a week ago I was fine... And now I have too many scars on my arm to count and I'm always sad and I don't know why. My mind is screaming for help but my tongue refuses to ask
Annie McLaughlin Sep 2015
I think they call it suicide
When you do it knowing you're going to die
But does it count
If you have already killed my insides?
723 · Sep 2015
Untitled
Annie McLaughlin Sep 2015
He picked the flowers
Stem by stem
Put them in a jar
And gave her them

She picked the petals
Piece by piece
"Will he hurt me or will he leave?"

She took the chance of
"One more try"
Now she waits
To love or to die
719 · Jan 2016
Turbulence
Annie McLaughlin Jan 2016
Every bit of turbulence
we hit
I hope to go down.
716 · Nov 2017
borrowed love
Annie McLaughlin Nov 2017
Her hair became darker and her thoughts became wild
And her heart became heavy and her dreams became mild
Her lips became softer and her eyes became sorrowed
And her hands became beaten and her love became borrowed
714 · Jan 2016
Red Rope
Annie McLaughlin Jan 2016
Red rope lies on the floor
Contemplating, pondering, should I?
Maybe if life were just a bit more
And water didn't run knee-high

So this is what it felt like
For the others as they linger
Oh, but can'st thou call a sike
As the water reaches fingers

The door, glued shut with crimson liquids
Quivers like the thoughts and the doubts
Desperately, impatiently attempt to rid
The water rising to the snout

Red rope hangs on the ceiling.
The things I come up with during math class.
712 · Sep 2015
Little Blue Bird
Annie McLaughlin Sep 2015
Look out little blue bird
Don't fall apart
You're too young and fragile
To have a broken heart
Please don't sing a sad song
Don't even know one
Look out for the new bird
Two is more than one

Look out little blue bird
Look out, don't you run
Face your problems, little blue bird
Or don't have none

Lock your heart, little blue bird
Give away your love
But when they offer, blue bird
Don't take none

So look out
Where you spread your wings and fly
Don't you go too far
Leave something behind
Wrote this soooooo long ago
692 · Feb 2016
"freedom"
Annie McLaughlin Feb 2016
When all has been personally ripped from your grasp
only then do you have the right to say,
What is there left to lose?

**Unless that right is taken from you, too
you
Annie McLaughlin Mar 2016
You don't seem to understand
You can't just down the whole bottle and ask for my hand
You don't seem to get the picture
You can't just swallow this poision and add me into the mixture
You don't seem to comprehend
That you're just buying these lies
Even though my faith is on the other end
You don't seem to really care
That you're underaged for such things
As long as they bid you (and only you) fair
681 · Feb 2016
we only get one chance
Annie McLaughlin Feb 2016
What's a piece of paper gonna
Do when you're dead?
Has it been worth the meds?
664 · Feb 2016
Cry
Annie McLaughlin Feb 2016
Cry
Cry because you don't know any better
Cry because you skinned your knee
Cry because mommy said no
Cry because Jenny can't stay over
Cry because the book was really sad
Cry because you failed your test
Cry because daddy left
Cry because you don't know love
Cry because you knew too much
Cry because you want to die
Cry because you know you can't.
660 · Feb 2016
Distance
Annie McLaughlin Feb 2016
Distance,
only but a word for some
yet for I, describes much more
Distance,
this is how my life's become
the miles, the cities between, oh how my heart has tore

Distance,
has been all except a pleasure knowing
oh, a ghost in which haunts my dreams
Distance,
just a sliver of light still glowing
though the pain shall dim the beams

Distance,
if only thus could disappear
maybe then my heart would mend
Distance,
I wish that I could have you near
Distance be my friend
Wrote this at a friend's request who is experiencing long-distance friendships.
658 · Jan 2016
Talk
Annie McLaughlin Jan 2016
It's okay,
I laugh at me, too.
657 · Mar 2016
someday it will be, okay
Annie McLaughlin Mar 2016
Tears prickle at my eyes
And if not for my own words of comfort
I would not have made it through your lies
654 · Mar 2016
words slur in my head
Annie McLaughlin Mar 2016
I don't know what to feel
I don't know how to act
This is all too real
I thought we had a pact
Confused, empty, hopeful, needy, tearful, overwhelmed, exhausted, hopeless
645 · Jan 2016
-
Annie McLaughlin Jan 2016
-
I t h i n k a b o u t y o u
m o r e t h a n m y t h e r a p i s t s a i d I s h o u l d .
Annie McLaughlin Feb 2016
don't you dare laugh
because she attempted to inject hot glue into her skin
don't you dare laugh
about the chemicals she swallowed to get away from you
don't you dare laugh
about the bruises left around her throat
don't you dare laugh
at the scars dug deep into her veins
you can laugh
all you want at my past, my mistakes, and my pain
but don't you dare laugh
at her
even if I don't know her name.
Kids in class today laughing at the scars left from an attempted suicide that just made me sick
642 · Feb 2016
I Understand Haggard
Annie McLaughlin Feb 2016
I fell in love with a drug addict
I even bore his child
He sobered enough to kiss her cheek
and then left me, once again, in the wild

I fell in love with him for who he be
and this love left me feeling e'er so lone
when the drug wore off and he loved just me
I fell in love with his troubled own

I fell in love with the wrong sort of lad
One minute he's here yet the next is a blur
I feel so ashamed as my child cries "where's dad"
I don't know baby, he's probably with her

This man whom I love
he should not be a father, he should be kicked
the man whom I love is a disgrace of all others
I fell in love with a drug addict
This is for my parents . . .
Annie McLaughlin Feb 2016
Does a meaningless ******* on drunken tongues
Really fill the void between your heart and your lungs?
Would a few airy kisses and touches
And sloppy positions
Ever satisfy for more than a little while?
Do you ever get sick, being with so many men
That your throat collects bile?
You go out everytime with adventure seeping through your eyes
And always return with bruised hips
And "I had fun" lies.
Does it honestly help to strip away clothes
Just so the guys loath
And your feelings don't impose?
Stop with the disrespect of your own self
You don't want to end up in your own **** jail cell.
Don't you know there's a difference
Between love and *** ?
One or the other can't always lead to bliss
If you keep it going, you could be next.
633 · Jan 2016
Black and Blue Kisses
Annie McLaughlin Jan 2016
You kiss me every evening
when you come home from your job
You throw me on the couch
And prop yourself up top
first cheek,
then nose,
right eyelid,
left eyelid,
neck,
chest,
stomach,
and finally my lips.
You kiss me every evening
with your cold rock fist.
624 · Feb 2016
Suicide Stance
Annie McLaughlin Feb 2016
Pocket pills of purple pinks in pity pants
Talking to the things that cause this total trance
Choking coughs from cold degrees or circumstance
Glazing eyes gliding through a gruesome glance
Ripping ribs and retched rings due rough romance
Dagger diamonds digging deep throughout a dance
So no **** she's so good at suicide stance
There was a tecnique in dance that I personally called "the suicide stance" because it looked as if you were hanging. My teacher always told me I completed that one very well, and I believe I know why...
620 · Feb 2016
if only one could listen
Annie McLaughlin Feb 2016
Just if you so listen, I would do anything
As soon as I stop crying, I'll crouch down on my knees
So caught up in the pleasure, you couldn't hear me plea
But that's okay, I had my time, this part is not about me
I'll come over after midnight only seeking out a shoulder
But you force me to repay you, unapologetically
I wipe my tears and strip my clothes, leaving all for him to see
Sometimes he locks me to the bed and threatens to throw the key
And all I am is a lost cause, caught up in the debris
Every night, it never stops - monotonously
And some night I may just not show up
Because I gave up on talking and letting him ***** me
Someday I will disappear,
I'll be his absentee
602 · May 2016
silently breaking
Annie McLaughlin May 2016
nobody knows how broken I am
nobody sees what's written in my skin
nobody hears when I cry out to the dark
nobody loves me when I feed my flesh to sharks
But my heart is screaming... How can you just pick and choose what you want to hear?
Annie McLaughlin Mar 2016
Little lost girl
Wanders far down
Away from negativity
And wretched howls of town

Little lost girl
Stumbles on stones
Not resisting failure
Or the find of old bones

Little lost girl
Shielded from the lights
Hears the engine approaching
And discards her known rights

Little lost girl
Is nowhere to be seen
She's surely not stamped to the ground
By a superior of all means
600 · Apr 2016
boy and me
Annie McLaughlin Apr 2016
There's this boy and me
there's this boy I love
This boy and me
grew up not far from each other
but never yet crossed paths
until we were ready, this boy and me
see, this boy and me
we went through similar things
this boy had his bullies
And me, I was my own
There's this boy
who I think I'm going to marry
Yeah, me, the girl that
didn't think she would live past thirteen
there's this boy who makes everything okay
And me who finally sees happiness
asleep or wide awake
there's this boy and me
you may not know, but you're going to see
strolling hand in hand
Thirty years from now still.
feeling in love and okay.
600 · May 2016
13
Annie McLaughlin May 2016
13
Mirror cloaked in tears
I scream at my own reflection
Why couldn't you have just killed yourself at 13,
Like you always said you would?
You didn't know rejection.
Eyes glazed over, helpless red
Why did you have to stay on and be strong?
You could have found out if heaven were real
Or maybe you would just be nowhere instead
There, there little broke girl
I know you want to die
If I would have just killed myself at 13 (Like I always said I would)
I wouldn't need to be alive
This is not in promotion of suicide. There are always better options. (just not for me.)
599 · Dec 2016
3 a.m. is calling
Annie McLaughlin Dec 2016
I know it's late but I have to go
There's some family drama, I'm lying I know
The truth of it is that I can't stay here much longer
My brain is a mess and I think it's my father
I'm just gonna go, although I shouldn't be driving
I smoked too much grass and intoxication is thriving
I found me a spot parked 'neath this neon sign
I'll try to catch a snooze although it's almost waking time
As I drift off in peace in the backseat of my car
the old smoker's cough is a steady to my heart
591 · Dec 2015
Blow Queen
Annie McLaughlin Dec 2015
My friends
they always told me
"You are fit to be a queen"
They say that I
have perfect curves
and live my life in dreams

I took their words
and ran with them
miles, so it seemed
but really it was only 'til
the dark began to beam

Bowing down
to recieve my crown
But find me on my knees
Giving head
to the man I just met
and doing what he please

My perfect curves
fit perfectly
between the sheets and
men that be
look over there
what's that I see?
oh just another job for me (or should I say for he)

but finally
the dream I live
I no longer live with glee
the dream I live
consists of who
and what he wants from me

maybe they
should have told their friend
she would live a life that's worse
'cause seems as if it all depends
on bending backwards *(back words)
579 · Apr 2016
uncomprehensible self-hate
Annie McLaughlin Apr 2016
I hate my body. Okay, I said it. I look in my mirror and think how did this happen and why. I contemplate bad things. I do the bad things. The bad things don't work like I wanted them to. My body is still a bad thing. I am so ashamed. I can't even let my love look at me. I hate my body and what it has become. Now I try to do good things. If good things don't work, I do bad things to make the good things work now. Will my body ever be a good thing? I think walking in the door and staring at your reflection and breaking out in tears when you realize how you looked the whole day is enough to make one want to rid these bad things. But isn't the irony so that to rid the bad things one must do more? Bang. Slash. Swallow. Beep. This is me leaving. This is me leaving my hated body behind. This is me doing bad things to my bad body.
. . . When has it become so bad?
577 · Sep 2015
White Horse
Annie McLaughlin Sep 2015
Who am I?
I am the girl who screams at the fire
"Come get me! I'm not afraid of you!"
I am the girl who bleeds to feel something
Anything
I am the girl with so many secrets bottled up inside
I am the girl who's heart has been shattered one-too-many times

I am a white horse.

Others don't see what I see
They don't know what I know
They don't feel what I feel
I am the girl that you didn't see...
That you passed in the halls everyday
I am the girl who chases her dreams
I am the girl who's not afraid
Of anything

I am a white horse

I trip, I fall...
I get knocked down
Pushed down
Beaten to the ground...
That makes me who I am today
But who is that?
Not a princess, not afraid
Not a child, I understand
Not a freak, I am my own person

I am a white horse
Wrote this at the age of 13.
572 · Feb 2016
love is blind but so is he
Annie McLaughlin Feb 2016
He fell alseep to the sound of my voice
he claims that it soothes him
Even when I trail off about simple things like the sky
or the library or the color of my blouse
I recognize that it wooes him
The places we visit, I describe in great detail
he sits quietly and smiles to his feet
An unfamiliar scent that he reaches to inhale
He asks what's that and is it lovely like me
He insisted on taking me to see a movie on our fifth date
but I didn't miss the tears as he sat there and listened
Sometimes he gets shaky when I come home too late
he doesn't know my looks, but he knows my voice glistens
He hasn't met my eye
but he knows they're my mother's
He doesn't recognize all the pity stares
or the muscle that follows my big brothers

Maybe love is blind
and maybe he is love.
Annie McLaughlin Jan 2016
I can tell you how to write sad poems,
all my favorite songs that make me cry. . .
I can recommend movies that end in a suicide note
or books, where the character never does learn how to fly.

I would lend you the eyeliner that is most smear-resistant
for the days that you have to sneak away to the public restroom, lock yourself in a stall, and finally let the emotions out. . .
I can talk about my old car and the boys I've kissed in it
and how they took advantage without a doubt.

And yet I will always say I'm doing good when you ask
and promise there is a brighter side to life
because you do not have to be clever to make yourself a mask,
there just need be a (false) sense of contentment in your eyes.
561 · Mar 2017
dreadful day
Annie McLaughlin Mar 2017
When shall I get out of this rut?
Counting down the hours until I can go
Only five and a half now, but
I'll be back next weekend, I know.

And only thirty dollar bills a day, for what?
To get hit and kicked and yelled at
I'd rather get payed for selling my body like a ****
Or maybe I'll be a professional eater and become professionally fat.

Pure disgust is all I have to say
Until next time, dreadful day.
Annie McLaughlin Apr 2016
I want to look at myself and think **** and beautiful
And somehow I think I can get there by bending over a toilet puking out the barely 200 calories in which I just consumed
Annie McLaughlin Dec 2015
Remember when you touched me
as I said "no"
Remember how you kissed me
with such urgency to take that first bit of innocence
Remember as I pushed you away
and you got mad but zipped your pants anyways
and the only reason I followed was because
you were my ride home.
Remember how you had THE NERVE
to ask me for money
after how you had just touched me
and the only reason I did not slap you
was because you had made that poor little girl
afraid
of everything.

But tell me,
you MUST remember when I came to realize
the man I was with was best friends
with a criminal,
a deciever,
a lousy excuse of a man whom took this
hardly-14 year old girl's first bit off innocence
and discretely- her last

You must remember the denial.
You must remember how you called me a liar,
a fake,
an attention
seeking
*****...
You must remember wishing hatred upon me.

My poor excuse for a man,
but do you not remember
the beginning of a catastrophy
that only you
had the power,
underneath those grimy wandering hands,
to start ?
To the boy - not man - whom took it all from me, and then denied it all to my face.
539 · Dec 2015
If My Friends Knew
Annie McLaughlin Dec 2015
If my friends knew
of the pain inside
and the technique I created
for my scars to show up
perfectly aligned
I do not believe
they would remain my friends much longer.

If my friends knew
how I cry at night
and try to choke myself with my own dark hair
and finally,
lay broken and sobbing
in the midnight air
I would not blame he or she
if they stopped being friends with me.

If my friends knew
how I turned to *** to numb the pain
or jumped out the window
to feel again
I wouldn't blame my friends
for saying Im insane.

Lastly and surely,
if my friends knew
how many times I have bled
or burned
or weeped
or screamed
or tore away my lover's clothes
to distract my brain from
burning eyes
my friends might figure out
my disguise.
Annie McLaughlin Sep 2015
I would open my mouth to the stars
And ask them if they could take me away,
Whisk me up in their glowing arms
And fly high and far
And never stop.
They said okay,
So I closed my eyes
And I imagined just that
And everything was alright
And everything was okay.
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