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Sep 2018 · 271
11
Annie McLaughlin Sep 2018
11
11 months
that's all I could do
I tried for so long
I tried just for you

11 months clean
but today we start over
tomorrow is day one
I'm just growing older

11 months
but tonight my thighs sting
I took to them with a blade
as sharp as my ring

11 months
I kept searching for a reason not to
tonight I fought hard
but my blood was long overdue
11 months clean, but tonight I broke that streak.
Mar 2018 · 235
1/5
Annie McLaughlin Mar 2018
1/5
they're calling
they're calling
answer them, ******

close your eyes
close your eyes
you'll be out of here soon

do it
just do it
it hurts more if you fight

lie to them
lie to them
they need to feel good

memories
memories
i'd erase if i could
Annie McLaughlin Mar 2018
Dear Dad,
I'm writing to you because I don't know if you love me anymore.
Well, how could you love me when you're gone?
I just mean that if you were still here,
I don't think you'd be proud of me.
I didn't get to know you well enough
To learn your views on
atheism,
*** before marriage,
Speeding,
Marijuana,
Underage drinking,
Traspessing,
Self harm,
Stealing,
Lying,
Sleeping around,
Or cursing
...
But from what I gathered from those less than 13 years I had with you,
I don't think you'd be proud.

I just want you to know that even if you would hate me now,
I still love you.
I'm still your little girl
I'm still me, daddy.

I hope you don't get mad if I carry your picture with me
While walking down the aisle
Because you always told me how you couldn't wait
To walk with me.
I hope you don't get mad
If I post a picture of you
Every year or so
Just saying that I miss you.
Because I do, I really do.
I hope you don't get mad that I still talk about you, and cry about you.
I hope you don't get mad that I pretend that you would accept me if you were here.

Even if you don't like me now,
I love you.
Jan 2018 · 460
we were once just kids
Annie McLaughlin Jan 2018
We were once just kids
With big hopes and big dreams and freckled faces in summer streams
We were once just kids
Making out on your bedroom floor, with no idea of what was to come anymore
We were once just kids
That skipped school to spend more time together and huddled up in the colder weather
We were once just kids
That snuck out past curfew so that we could dance in the rain, and that was our virtue
We were once just kids
That rode bikes around town and helped each other up whenever one of us would fall down
We were once just kids
But we are no longer, that's clear
From the day that you left, you told me "Our life starts here"
We were once just kids
But now you're a man in a uniform
And I'm his soon-to-be wife
With just our memories to keep me warm
We are no longer kids
You have our country to serve for now,
And I have letters every night to send out
We are no longer kids
And we have cares and we have worries and we have things to complain about
But we still have each other and that's the one thing that ever counts
We were once just kids
But now we're grown and our life began
And I'm still hopelessly in love with you,
My United States Airman.
We've watched each other grow, and we still continue to do so. I could not be more proud of him... My Airman.
Nov 2017 · 471
borrowed love
Annie McLaughlin Nov 2017
Her hair became darker and her thoughts became wild
And her heart became heavy and her dreams became mild
Her lips became softer and her eyes became sorrowed
And her hands became beaten and her love became borrowed
Jun 2017 · 448
leave me alone
Annie McLaughlin Jun 2017
I relapsed
it happened so fast
and now there's blood on my favorite hoodie
and I don't know why I'm so sad
I ******* relapsed
and my best friend hugged me silently because she saw the scars on my arm
she didn't say a word because she thinks it's not her place
but all I want to do is cry or scream in someone's face
and now I'm looking at my arm just before I fall asleep
and I keep thinking to myself

that looks really bad
that looks really bad
that looks really bad

it feels like no one understands me
I have nowhere to run
I've started pushing people out
I've started denying any fun
this is getting scary
how did this come on?
I relapsed, baby
really quick and really much
there's some blood drops on the floor
but if ever someone asks
I will say

Well, I don't know where it came from
but that looks really bad
that looks really bad
*that looks really bad
I'm hurting so ******* bad right now... Just a week ago I was fine... And now I have too many scars on my arm to count and I'm always sad and I don't know why. My mind is screaming for help but my tongue refuses to ask
Jun 2017 · 5.4k
just had to.
Annie McLaughlin Jun 2017
I slipped up.
I slit cuts.
I didn't mean to.
I drew blood.

I read online
When I was probably just 14 or 15 years old
That most people don't stop until their 20's
And it scared me
But I thought
"No, I'll stop right now"

But I didn't.
I couldn't.

I slipped up.
I slit cuts.
I didn't mean to.
I drew blood.

And now that I'm older
It hurts more to try to hide it
And now that I have people that care about me
Often times they don't understand why this part of my life is still relevant
And all I can say to make them understand is

I slipped up.
I slit cuts.
I just had to.
I drew blood.
May 2017 · 660
moped journey
Annie McLaughlin May 2017
wind
wind in my hair
arms
arms wrapped around you
noise
noise in my ears
fast
the faster we go

country roads and
small town squares
you and I have seen it all
racing quickly around the curves
you and I have done it all

breath
breath in my ear
kiss
kiss on my neck
wind
wind in my hair

fast
the faster we go

.
May 2017 · 838
oUt Of iT
Annie McLaughlin May 2017
****
I'm out of it again
**** baby
Your eyes became so red

****
I can't resist another go
Feels so good
Blowing smoke to join the show

Oh my god,
We did some crazy ******* ****
Wait a minute,
Did your grandma really take a hit?
Yes, his grandma really took a hit.
May 2017 · 769
prom
Annie McLaughlin May 2017
Long luscious ball gowns
Sparkling pink punch
Rhythmic music and dancers on the run  

Heels coming off by the second song
Lipstick smears when he kisses me too long

Brighten up, deary
Everyone has fun at prom.

Finally we're leaving
Mascara smears, too.

Midnight motel room
Hot *** out of the blue

6 am wake up time
My heart is so calm

I told you, deary
Everyone has fun at prom.

But it wasn't that, it wasn't that at all.
I'll never remember the dances,
I'll only remember the motel room,
And the hot steamy ***
And the fast food run afterwards
And the late night conversations
And waking up next to my forever better half.


Listen deary,
Not everyone has fun at prom.
Mar 2017 · 417
dreadful day
Annie McLaughlin Mar 2017
When shall I get out of this rut?
Counting down the hours until I can go
Only five and a half now, but
I'll be back next weekend, I know.

And only thirty dollar bills a day, for what?
To get hit and kicked and yelled at
I'd rather get payed for selling my body like a ****
Or maybe I'll be a professional eater and become professionally fat.

Pure disgust is all I have to say
Until next time, dreadful day.
Feb 2017 · 1.6k
stronger than you
Annie McLaughlin Feb 2017
So many words and tears have been wasted on you
You, the man, that probably has forgotten my face by now
So many hours of self pity and hatred have I felt because of you
You, the man, who shaped me into who I am right now

And not too long ago, I was driving in the car, and my lover he suggested,
(Excuse me if these words appear harsh),
We need more intimacy in public
Let's fool around, we're young.
I would say we could **** in a dressing room but...
I know what happened to you in there


I nodded along and then I stopped myself, and I said,
Darling, why not?

That is the moment I realized
I am stronger than my past.
That is the time that I recognized
I had been holding on too long.
It's time to let go
Of what you did to me
And what you took from me
Because I am stronger than that.
I am stronger than you.
Dec 2016 · 310
this is where she lay
Annie McLaughlin Dec 2016
There's a cross on the corner of the highway
Standing tall in front of the rest station lot
There's a man that comes and visits and he stays all day
His hands wiping desperately at his tears distraught
This cross was not here yesterday
Oh look what the cold weather has brought
A few years ago, actually, I saw this happen, and it brought me to tears, and I was not able to forget about it. It's crazy. How one day they're there, and the next they're not.
Dec 2016 · 514
fresh meat
Annie McLaughlin Dec 2016
grade nine, cold feet, new beginning
when is this going to end?
counting the scars, but only the visible ones
43.
is that enough to send me to the counselor?
i sit down, squint my eyes
****, everything hurts
but i can't complain
i did this to myself
"oh my god, what happened?"
pretty girl asks from across the table
accident.
that's what i say
it's always an accident.
day is done, get on the bus, wait to cry
second stop
i get off
go into my room
more scars
they keep adding up
i'm not going to make it past 14.
17 now
happy moments
oh, ****
i still have scars, don't i?
It's hard to write about what happened to me in 9th grade. It's hard to really acknowledge that these things happened.
Dec 2016 · 422
3 a.m. is calling
Annie McLaughlin Dec 2016
I know it's late but I have to go
There's some family drama, I'm lying I know
The truth of it is that I can't stay here much longer
My brain is a mess and I think it's my father
I'm just gonna go, although I shouldn't be driving
I smoked too much grass and intoxication is thriving
I found me a spot parked 'neath this neon sign
I'll try to catch a snooze although it's almost waking time
As I drift off in peace in the backseat of my car
the old smoker's cough is a steady to my heart
Nov 2016 · 403
that feeling in the morning
Annie McLaughlin Nov 2016
Oh my God, that feeling
Do You feel it too?  
On my hands I'm kneeling
I see the ghost of you

And sometime in the morning
With the sun just hanging up
I see your spirit's touring
The town that we grew up

When my tears are slowing
And drying on my face
Is when the wind be blowing
And wipes your ghost away

Have you any feeling?  
Any pain at all?  
Hung up on the ceiling
Sorrowed as I call
Jul 2016 · 581
he is
Annie McLaughlin Jul 2016
He is the sun on a rainy afternoon.
He is the voice that fills the silence in your car.
He is the strong and the humble and the proud.
He is the laugh in the back of your throat.
He is the hand that gives you support.
He is the song that you keep coming back to, years after your first listen.
He is the insomnia that keeps you awake at three in the morning.
He is the clouded memory in the back of your brain.
He is the kind of love that you don't even know exists until you've had it.
Jul 2016 · 570
Vulnerable Girls
Annie McLaughlin Jul 2016
When I was twelve years old 
(Twelve, for crying out loud!)
A woman messaged me, informing me of a modeling deal that I could be a part of. 
She had me call her on Skype and pose in my underwear in front of the camera.
I was going to be a bikini model.
The woman's screen was black. 
She told me to do innapropriate things to my body.
"I am just checking out your potential." 
So I did them, because this girl thought I was good enough to be a model.
And when I was twelve Years old, nobody thought I was good enough for anything, myself included.
Only after the call ended did I realize that there was no modeling deal,
And that it wasn't a ******* the other end.

When I was thirteen years old, 
A boy messaged me and showed me the type of attention I never recieved.
He called me beautiful and sweet and asked to see my face. 
The boy called me over video chat and began to touch himself in innapropriate ways in front of me. 
I didn't like it.
I shut my eyes and listened to music and lyrics in my head.
Half an hour was wasted of him telling me to lift up my shirt and me shaking my head no. 
I finally did it, and then I shut off the camera,
Because I did not want this boy to tell me I am beautiful or that he enjoys my breast shapes.
I just wanted to be left alone.

When I was fourteen, I got tired of being so alone. 
Another guy messaged me and asked if we could be friends...
I really wanted a friend.
He asked if we could hang out as friends.
So he picked me up and we went to the mall and shopped around like friends,
And when he told me to get in the dressing room with him,
I thought it kind of strange but i did so anyways.
Maybe this is what friends do! 
But my "friend" began to touch me and kiss me like no one ever had before,
And I did not like it,
And I told him no,
But he did it anyways,
And I suddenly did not like this friendship, anymore. 

To get that rotten taste out of my mouth,
I kissed a new guy
And this guy kissed me way too fast and too much 
But I told myself that I wanted to kiss him so that it wouldnt feel as bad. 
And when he took off my clothes and told me to touch him in places that I hadn't touched anyone before,
I told myself that I wanted to, so I wouldn't feel as bad. 
I told myself that I was overreacting when he kissed me rough and I cried into his mouth.
I told myself that I loved him when he threw me onto the floor when I finally said no. 
I told myself the only way for him to love me back would be to do what he says with no questions asked. 

When I was fifteen, in order to stop myself from slicing my skin into bits or binge eating at one in the morning,
I snuck out my bedroom window and met up with a twenty-something man 
Who told me we were going to go see a movie.
The movie turned out to be seen in his bedroom and we didn't watch very much of it. 
I snuck back in through my window hours later
With bruises and marks covering my neck,
And no matter how much I brushed my teeth,
I could still taste his lips on me. 

The safest thing I have learned in life,
Is that guys go after vulnerable girls,
And I guess I am one of them.
This is just something that crossed my mind.... And I realized just how true it was.
Jul 2016 · 640
what were you wearing ?
Annie McLaughlin Jul 2016
My shirt was too low.
It does not matter
If I fought back
Or said no
I was asking for it,
My shirt was too low.
Jun 2016 · 894
Untitled
Annie McLaughlin Jun 2016
This poison has taken over my body
I stumble and I fall
I laugh and then I cry
I wish that I could fly -
And so I test it
When did I get here?
What's with the white sheets?
I don't need medicine
Medicine can't fix me
Blur, it's all a blur
I think, I think I jumped
No, no wait, I was pushed
I don't remember, I can't
I can't remember
Love, why do you do this to me?
May 2016 · 787
Human
Annie McLaughlin May 2016
We are constantly being defined by labels
As if that is all that matters
Oh you're a teenager, all you can do is wait tables
Im a wife, I'm a daughter
Until all that shatters
Widow and orphan, newlywed or divorcee
Freshman, gothic, black or white, king and queen.
Workaholic, hobo, immigrant, pale face
The only label that should matter
Is us -
The human race.
I am tired of being defined by labels. We are all human and we are all to be seen as equals and that is what should matter.
May 2016 · 525
13
Annie McLaughlin May 2016
13
Mirror cloaked in tears
I scream at my own reflection
Why couldn't you have just killed yourself at 13,
Like you always said you would?
You didn't know rejection.
Eyes glazed over, helpless red
Why did you have to stay on and be strong?
You could have found out if heaven were real
Or maybe you would just be nowhere instead
There, there little broke girl
I know you want to die
If I would have just killed myself at 13 (Like I always said I would)
I wouldn't need to be alive
This is not in promotion of suicide. There are always better options. (just not for me.)
May 2016 · 508
silently breaking
Annie McLaughlin May 2016
nobody knows how broken I am
nobody sees what's written in my skin
nobody hears when I cry out to the dark
nobody loves me when I feed my flesh to sharks
But my heart is screaming... How can you just pick and choose what you want to hear?
Annie McLaughlin May 2016
Here's a fact.
Here's the truth.
Here's my heart surrendered
At the thought of never knowing you again.
Here's the fact.
Here's a truth.
Here are my arms abandoned
With the feel of never touching you again.
Hear this fact.
Hear my truth.
Absorb my bleeding tongue
As it has let these gory words flow through.
Hear my heart.
Hear my cry
As I recognize my last,
My forever last living glimpse of you.
coming to know reality
Apr 2016 · 968
Focus
Annie McLaughlin Apr 2016
Focus
this moment won't last forever
Focus
take it in, not only the better
Focus
on our heavy breaths synchronizing
on the way that our bodies mold perfectly together
Focus
on his eyes, his chest, his lips on my collarbone
Focus
on the tree outside the window
that has been an umbrella to our love
Focus
on the bandaids on my arm
blocking the gory scars from a quick relapse
Focus
on the pleasure
that only he could cause
Focus
this moment won't last forever.
Apr 2016 · 493
boy and me
Annie McLaughlin Apr 2016
There's this boy and me
there's this boy I love
This boy and me
grew up not far from each other
but never yet crossed paths
until we were ready, this boy and me
see, this boy and me
we went through similar things
this boy had his bullies
And me, I was my own
There's this boy
who I think I'm going to marry
Yeah, me, the girl that
didn't think she would live past thirteen
there's this boy who makes everything okay
And me who finally sees happiness
asleep or wide awake
there's this boy and me
you may not know, but you're going to see
strolling hand in hand
Thirty years from now still.
feeling in love and okay.
Apr 2016 · 441
uncomprehensible self-hate
Annie McLaughlin Apr 2016
I hate my body. Okay, I said it. I look in my mirror and think how did this happen and why. I contemplate bad things. I do the bad things. The bad things don't work like I wanted them to. My body is still a bad thing. I am so ashamed. I can't even let my love look at me. I hate my body and what it has become. Now I try to do good things. If good things don't work, I do bad things to make the good things work now. Will my body ever be a good thing? I think walking in the door and staring at your reflection and breaking out in tears when you realize how you looked the whole day is enough to make one want to rid these bad things. But isn't the irony so that to rid the bad things one must do more? Bang. Slash. Swallow. Beep. This is me leaving. This is me leaving my hated body behind. This is me doing bad things to my bad body.
. . . When has it become so bad?
Apr 2016 · 239
feel things
Annie McLaughlin Apr 2016
when did I become
Everything I'm running from?
Annie McLaughlin Apr 2016
some nights I want to stop trying
*shh, as soon as you stop crying
Apr 2016 · 370
recognizing broken things
Annie McLaughlin Apr 2016
it hurts
is it supposed to hurt ?
                 if you knew what i've been doing
                 you would not say "i love you"
                                                       each time failing
                                                       has lowered my confidence another tries worth
                                                                                                                          why is this pain
                                                                                                                          so relieving ?
i fail even at harming myself
Apr 2016 · 259
Untitled
Annie McLaughlin Apr 2016
I'd rather write a moody poem that has found it's home
Than a joyfull one with no place to go
Apr 2016 · 395
voice of anxiety
Annie McLaughlin Apr 2016
my, my, unharmed skin
what, what should I do to you?
Not only only happy dreams come true
Blood, blood, blood, blood does, too
piece of, of paper
what should I - I write on you?
maybe of he who loves me,
who?
untouched-touched bare skin
what shall I clothe you wi-th?
none will look - look either way
new, new, new life born. . .
what should make of, of you?
criti - criti - criticism will still come
my, my, my, my unharmed skin
forgive me for using - using these past tense
wrote this in class today.
Annie McLaughlin Apr 2016
I want to look at myself and think **** and beautiful
And somehow I think I can get there by bending over a toilet puking out the barely 200 calories in which I just consumed
Apr 2016 · 1.9k
ana's motto
Annie McLaughlin Apr 2016
try, try, try once more
you can't be perfect but don't be a bore
try, try, try and see
one day soon this fear will leave
try, try, with all your might
maybe one day you will be thin and lite
try, try, try the pain
pretty is still pretty when pretty's in vain
Apr 2016 · 320
Elsewhere
Annie McLaughlin Apr 2016
I understand this is hard for you
A woman whom could not govern her own
So as to reside in a greater power
In which this hope has rescued you
I understand your concern
That I will have no such one to place my blame on
But oh, you must see
That much more profound happiness
May very well be found elsewhere
In a world that which does not provide
Such an easy excuse to these troubles
You must understand, simply as I do,
That one or both are wrong,
So that these endless quarrels are useless
Let me believe in my logic and you in your fairytales
And fulfill your hunger for strife
Elsewhere
You might get it. You might not. That's okay.
Apr 2016 · 1.7k
night shift
Annie McLaughlin Apr 2016
clock in
somewhere between midnight and eery silece
peeling my eyes wide, can not close
(they can't)
have to keep busy
busy, busy, busy
my mind is always busy like it's a job
no time for breaks
no happy thoughts
the one laying next to me is rich in slumber
resting from his day of work
I am wide awake,
my mind working quickly, my eyes watering just on que
it's all part of the routine
I have to never forget you
it's okay, my dear dreamer
sleep well,
I will take the night shift.
My thoughts - jumbled and mixed together.
Mar 2016 · 2.5k
the end of the day
Annie McLaughlin Mar 2016
At the end of the day
I will feel good in my own skin
At the end of the day
I will be satisfied with who I am
At the end of the day
I will have survived another disaster
At the end of the day
I will look to myself and matter
At the end of the day
Im going to be okay
Annie McLaughlin Mar 2016
You don't seem to understand
You can't just down the whole bottle and ask for my hand
You don't seem to get the picture
You can't just swallow this poision and add me into the mixture
You don't seem to comprehend
That you're just buying these lies
Even though my faith is on the other end
You don't seem to really care
That you're underaged for such things
As long as they bid you (and only you) fair
Annie McLaughlin Mar 2016
Your desperate tears mean nothing to him
For all he knows, the second they are wiped away
You go back to your happy whim
Your damaged eyes amount to little
For all he knows, the second they are hid away
You're no longer feeling brittle
Annie McLaughlin Mar 2016
three*
I am dead inside
two
I have no place to hide
one
In death I will abide
Sorry for the ****** poems lately... Doesn't mean Im going to stop writing them, but sorry.
Mar 2016 · 2.4k
dear mr liar
Annie McLaughlin Mar 2016
Oh god, I desire
To be just like the one I admire
You inspire
Me you selfish hateful liar
You tire me
You wire me
To believe just what you be
I hear the warnings from the choir
"Stop right there, that man's a liar!"
Oh, my eyes catch that certain fire
I must inquire
What inspired you
Dear mr liar
Mar 2016 · 318
thanks
Annie McLaughlin Mar 2016
Left alone
After you said you would never go
Thanks, I know how much I'm worth
Just a couple ******* hundred lies
Over cigarettes and other girls
Thanks for the reassurance
That my existence means absolutely no **** to you
Thanks for the inspiration
To do what I should have years ago
Mar 2016 · 326
relate to
Annie McLaughlin Mar 2016
Repeat this song in my head
Just before I go to bed
This is why I haven't bled
This is why I am not dead
Just these simple words been said
Take away my need for meds
Repeat this song in my head
Just before I go to bed.
Mar 2016 · 283
catastrophe
Annie McLaughlin Mar 2016
My mind is going crazy
Today it's sure not lazy
I try to block this noise
By strumming instruments and toys
But the more that I create
All the more of me I hate
I could point out countless flaws
But you just would not understand the cause
My mind is starting to scare me
All these visions that you can't see
My sickly sweet faked smile
Would fool anyone for miles
Today is just another day I'd like to be someone else
Today is just another day my breaking heart swells
Mar 2016 · 466
someday it will be, okay
Annie McLaughlin Mar 2016
Tears prickle at my eyes
And if not for my own words of comfort
I would not have made it through your lies
Annie McLaughlin Mar 2016
stop
stop
stop
come hold me now
it's getting worse
stop, please, stop
come hold me now
or drive my hearse
stop
stop
stop
i'm dying out
this life's my curse
Mar 2016 · 411
hated
Annie McLaughlin Mar 2016
I hate these words repeating in my head
I hate these rhymes my brain has been fed
I hate this feeling of not feeling my feelings
I hate this part when it's too late to hang from the ceiling
I hate the guilt that I guiltily push down
I hate it when all I can think of is the same old noun
I hate my hate towards hateful beings
I hate the ****** melody my mouth sings
I hate that I have no say at this point
I hate my heart breaking, worse than breaking of joints
I hate this room and this house and this neighborhood
I hate these things that everyone should
Love and adore but somehow I can't
I hate when I become to the shrinking size of an ant
I hate this verse that I'm making
When I stand up in class and recieve laughs at my voice shaking
I hate my complaints and I hate my emotionless emotions emotionally seeping out of my motionless skin
I hate this I hate that I hate you
I hate that I'm lying right now just to pull me through
so many words in my head... i don't know how to describe them
Mar 2016 · 666
who i am
Annie McLaughlin Mar 2016
I don't like who I am
I smile at dents in my skin
I search and I long for a sin
I don't like who I am
I turn all the boys into bloodbaths
Then I cry at the touch of their sharp wrath
I don't like who I am
I walk around reckless and staid
I would **** for my soul to just fade
I don't like who I am
I torture myself unconsensually
No wonder my mother disowns me
I don't like who I am
I hurt too much for too many reasons
I am punished as if committed treason
I don't like who I am
And I know you don't either
I don't like who I am
I can't stand my mind's seether
I don't like who I am.
Mar 2016 · 310
Dear Father
Annie McLaughlin Mar 2016
It makes me feel stupid. I feel wasted and tricked. I haven't been able to acknowledge the reality of this situation... It's sick and it's twisted, this truth I have kept inside. "Do you miss your dad?" He asks. "I don't know." but he takes it as a yes, and I don't know how to explain... That I wasted all my years, my time, my tears, on this... This father. If you had seen my sobbing mother, her bloodshot eyes and pained figure, you would understand. But you didn't. You wouldn't understand. My mother never cried in front of me before until she spoke of my father. I then understood how she could stop loving such a man. My father, he hurt her. More than any man could. He hurt me and my brothers and I am still feeling that pain to this day. My father, he was a cruel man. Selfish and destructive. My father, whom I once loved and labeled as my hero, I am now trying not to despise. My father... I can not begin to explain what he did or how... I can not begin to explain him or what all he put me through... My father, he made me into who I am today. And for that I will forever hold against him.
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