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Annie McLaughlin Jan 2016
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I t h i n k a b o u t y o u
m o r e t h a n m y t h e r a p i s t s a i d I s h o u l d .
11
Annie McLaughlin Sep 2018
11
11 months
that's all I could do
I tried for so long
I tried just for you

11 months clean
but today we start over
tomorrow is day one
I'm just growing older

11 months
but tonight my thighs sting
I took to them with a blade
as sharp as my ring

11 months
I kept searching for a reason not to
tonight I fought hard
but my blood was long overdue
11 months clean, but tonight I broke that streak.
13
Annie McLaughlin May 2016
13
Mirror cloaked in tears
I scream at my own reflection
Why couldn't you have just killed yourself at 13,
Like you always said you would?
You didn't know rejection.
Eyes glazed over, helpless red
Why did you have to stay on and be strong?
You could have found out if heaven were real
Or maybe you would just be nowhere instead
There, there little broke girl
I know you want to die
If I would have just killed myself at 13 (Like I always said I would)
I wouldn't need to be alive
This is not in promotion of suicide. There are always better options. (just not for me.)
1/5
Annie McLaughlin Mar 2018
1/5
they're calling
they're calling
answer them, ******

close your eyes
close your eyes
you'll be out of here soon

do it
just do it
it hurts more if you fight

lie to them
lie to them
they need to feel good

memories
memories
i'd erase if i could
Annie McLaughlin Dec 2016
I know it's late but I have to go
There's some family drama, I'm lying I know
The truth of it is that I can't stay here much longer
My brain is a mess and I think it's my father
I'm just gonna go, although I shouldn't be driving
I smoked too much grass and intoxication is thriving
I found me a spot parked 'neath this neon sign
I'll try to catch a snooze although it's almost waking time
As I drift off in peace in the backseat of my car
the old smoker's cough is a steady to my heart
Annie McLaughlin Jan 2016
46 stories up
two halls down
fifth door on the left
through the sitting room,
the kitchen,
second bedroom door
past the twin sized mattress
and posters of drugged up bands
pull back the curtains gently
unlatch the balcony door
step outside and try to catch ---
oops, too late
I jumped.
Annie McLaughlin Sep 2015
I've been up since 5:15
I met you at 6 AM
We took the car out in the dark
Just you and me and bleeding hearts

I've been crying since 7:15
We knew it'd come, but we could dream
I watched you walk away from me
And there was nothing we could do

But since 7:15
I've watched you walk away
All over again on replay
Annie McLaughlin Mar 2016
You don't seem to understand
You can't just down the whole bottle and ask for my hand
You don't seem to get the picture
You can't just swallow this poision and add me into the mixture
You don't seem to comprehend
That you're just buying these lies
Even though my faith is on the other end
You don't seem to really care
That you're underaged for such things
As long as they bid you (and only you) fair
Annie McLaughlin Sep 2015
He carries his earnings
Slung over his shoulder
In a bag of blackened coal

At night if you listen
He quite often talks
To a woman he used to know

"Kapi Kapi
Come back to me
Kapi Kapi
Come take me home
Kapi Kapi
Don't you neglect
To bury me in a bag
Of blackened coal"
Annie McLaughlin Sep 2015
Once on a bed of black and gold
A small girl lay
As her father spoke of all the things she'd do someday
Her father hugged her
And she began to cry
She feared her future
She feared her life
Her father loved her
Even with tears in her eyes
And she never asked why
Because she was afraid of what the answer might be

Once on a bed of black and gold
The little girl sat in the middle of the night
Her lips trembled as her father spoke
And she could hear her mother yelling back
And she could not tell if she was more angry
Or more sad
When she awoke in the morning her father was gone
And she did not ask why
Because she was afraid of what the answer might be

Once on a bed of black and gold
The girl was touched against her will
She couldn't scream, she barely said no
But her actions showed she was struggling to get free
He stole her first kiss
But she did not cry
She was too frightened to even try
The bed became a silky red
As the evil man made her bleed
But she kind of liked the blood
So when she reached home, she made herself bleed again
But this time with a razor sharp pen
And it got to be a habit
But she never asked herself why
Because she was afraid of what the answer might be

Once on a bed of black and gold
She lay across his chest and they
Watched a scary movie
The boy got scared and he pulled her close
But the girl did not
Because she had already seen
The scariest of things
And when he broke her heart she did not ask him why
Because she knew what the answer would be

Once on a bed of black and gold
She lay in the night, wide awake
Rumors had spread, and the whole school
Made fun of her
And she cried at night
And she made herself bleed
And she remembered all the things they had said
And she finally decided to fit in with the crowd
And hate herself, too
And she never asked why they did
Because she did not want to know what the answer might be

Once on a bed of black and gold
The girl held a gun to her forehead
And mascara ran down her cheeks
And the boy that deceived her blew up her phone
And the last message he sent went a little like this,

"You need to know that you're beautiful
Its not time to go home
Please stay alive
Don't you want to know what your future holds?"

But the girl pulled the trigger anyways
And her bed turned a blood red
And she did not stay alive
Because she was frightened of what her future might be
Please notify me if there are any typos (:
Annie McLaughlin Sep 2015
Now tell me if I did anything
Now tell me, didn't I do everything?
And tell me when I started turning blue instead of red
What's with my heart and soul and mind
They're all acting dead
Annie McLaughlin Sep 2015
Here's a letter for you
That I wrote at six years old
I drew a pink heart and a blue ice cream cone
It read, "Daddy I love you, no matter how old."

I never gave it to you
Cause you were always on the road

Here's a letter for you
That I wrote in 5th grade
Written on a napkin with a blade
Daddy, I thought you were making progress

I never sent it to you
Cause I never knew your address

Here's a letter for you
That I wrote at 13
Scribbled on a picture frame
Holding you and me
Daddy, what's this torturous wave?

I never left it for you
Cause I never found your grave

Here's a letter for you
That I wrote at 18
Written on a dollar bill
I earned this evening
"Daddy, I'm doing it
I'm graduating"

I never kept it
I was crying before I could accept it

Here's a letter for you
That I'll write when the time comes
I'll stick it in between the bouquet
And let my makeup run
"Daddy, I wish you could walk with me
I think my nerves would ease"

But it'll never reach you
Unless God's feeling pleased
Yes, a TON of my writings have to do with my dad. Deal with it xD
Annie McLaughlin Feb 2016
There is no monster under my bed
There is no monster in my head
The only monster that I know
Is the one that, in me, found its home
Annie McLaughlin Apr 2016
try, try, try once more
you can't be perfect but don't be a bore
try, try, try and see
one day soon this fear will leave
try, try, with all your might
maybe one day you will be thin and lite
try, try, try the pain
pretty is still pretty when pretty's in vain
Annie McLaughlin Jan 2016
She calls to me beyond my future
She says "dad I miss you"
She holds an old family picture
And I love her ... and her mom too

I think about her day and night
Never be the same again
She voids the dark in all her light
I miss my daughter...my best friend

Annie is my one true love
I will love her like her dad
She is an angel from up above
And will give me my child
Im glad

Love
Took annies phone, left her a lil suprise, please like and veiw as much as possible xD
Annie McLaughlin Sep 2015
I would open my mouth to the stars
And ask them if they could take me away,
Whisk me up in their glowing arms
And fly high and far
And never stop.
They said okay,
So I closed my eyes
And I imagined just that
And everything was alright
And everything was okay.
Annie McLaughlin Jan 2016
I suppose you
are much like a staple gun;
for you can
hold me together

and yet I
could be compared to a
pair of rusty scissors;
destined to tear thee apart
Annie McLaughlin Feb 2016
Does a meaningless ******* on drunken tongues
Really fill the void between your heart and your lungs?
Would a few airy kisses and touches
And sloppy positions
Ever satisfy for more than a little while?
Do you ever get sick, being with so many men
That your throat collects bile?
You go out everytime with adventure seeping through your eyes
And always return with bruised hips
And "I had fun" lies.
Does it honestly help to strip away clothes
Just so the guys loath
And your feelings don't impose?
Stop with the disrespect of your own self
You don't want to end up in your own **** jail cell.
Don't you know there's a difference
Between love and *** ?
One or the other can't always lead to bliss
If you keep it going, you could be next.
Annie McLaughlin Feb 2016
"Rip it off like a bandaid"
It will sting less,
only for the first second or so.

Too bad I liked to take my time
while pealing the sticky material away -
prolonged pain
Annie McLaughlin Jan 2016
Would you still say it
if I were standing before you,
fresh mascara staining your favorite sweater
and scars to show for a cause unknown ?
Annie McLaughlin Jan 2016
You kiss me every evening
when you come home from your job
You throw me on the couch
And prop yourself up top
first cheek,
then nose,
right eyelid,
left eyelid,
neck,
chest,
stomach,
and finally my lips.
You kiss me every evening
with your cold rock fist.
Annie McLaughlin Dec 2015
My friends
they always told me
"You are fit to be a queen"
They say that I
have perfect curves
and live my life in dreams

I took their words
and ran with them
miles, so it seemed
but really it was only 'til
the dark began to beam

Bowing down
to recieve my crown
But find me on my knees
Giving head
to the man I just met
and doing what he please

My perfect curves
fit perfectly
between the sheets and
men that be
look over there
what's that I see?
oh just another job for me (or should I say for he)

but finally
the dream I live
I no longer live with glee
the dream I live
consists of who
and what he wants from me

maybe they
should have told their friend
she would live a life that's worse
'cause seems as if it all depends
on bending backwards *(back words)
Annie McLaughlin Nov 2017
Her hair became darker and her thoughts became wild
And her heart became heavy and her dreams became mild
Her lips became softer and her eyes became sorrowed
And her hands became beaten and her love became borrowed
Annie McLaughlin Apr 2016
There's this boy and me
there's this boy I love
This boy and me
grew up not far from each other
but never yet crossed paths
until we were ready, this boy and me
see, this boy and me
we went through similar things
this boy had his bullies
And me, I was my own
There's this boy
who I think I'm going to marry
Yeah, me, the girl that
didn't think she would live past thirteen
there's this boy who makes everything okay
And me who finally sees happiness
asleep or wide awake
there's this boy and me
you may not know, but you're going to see
strolling hand in hand
Thirty years from now still.
feeling in love and okay.
Annie McLaughlin Mar 2016
Pretty poems are all just dreams
watch me write realities
Annie McLaughlin Sep 2015
This is for the young girl or boy
That treats that blade like a toy
Annie McLaughlin Mar 2016
My mind is going crazy
Today it's sure not lazy
I try to block this noise
By strumming instruments and toys
But the more that I create
All the more of me I hate
I could point out countless flaws
But you just would not understand the cause
My mind is starting to scare me
All these visions that you can't see
My sickly sweet faked smile
Would fool anyone for miles
Today is just another day I'd like to be someone else
Today is just another day my breaking heart swells
Annie McLaughlin Mar 2016
three*
I am dead inside
two
I have no place to hide
one
In death I will abide
Sorry for the ****** poems lately... Doesn't mean Im going to stop writing them, but sorry.
Cry
Annie McLaughlin Feb 2016
Cry
Cry because you don't know any better
Cry because you skinned your knee
Cry because mommy said no
Cry because Jenny can't stay over
Cry because the book was really sad
Cry because you failed your test
Cry because daddy left
Cry because you don't know love
Cry because you knew too much
Cry because you want to die
Cry because you know you can't.
Annie McLaughlin Sep 2015
Please don't touch me, sir
I know you mean no harm
No, you cant hold my hand
Or stop this car
Please don't love me, sir
I know it doesn't look hard
But when you take away my clothes
You'll see the scars

You took the parts of me
That weren't all that pretty
And you turned them into a damaged city
You tore away my flesh piece by piece
And I walked home alone
In a damaged city
Annie McLaughlin Mar 2016
Oh darling don't be scared to say exactly how you feel
At least we know your heart and mind and broken soul are real
Oh darling don't be scared to show your insecurities
Maybe then someone will know they don't do as they please
Oh darling sing as soft you want, reach only who you will
It's just fine to stand aback and stare the windowsill
Oh darling don't be scared to cry in front of those who care
Maybe then they'll realize hurt and always will be there
Oh darling I just ask of you to be kind to your own
I would've held you further from the blade if I had known
Annie McLaughlin Mar 2016
It makes me feel stupid. I feel wasted and tricked. I haven't been able to acknowledge the reality of this situation... It's sick and it's twisted, this truth I have kept inside. "Do you miss your dad?" He asks. "I don't know." but he takes it as a yes, and I don't know how to explain... That I wasted all my years, my time, my tears, on this... This father. If you had seen my sobbing mother, her bloodshot eyes and pained figure, you would understand. But you didn't. You wouldn't understand. My mother never cried in front of me before until she spoke of my father. I then understood how she could stop loving such a man. My father, he hurt her. More than any man could. He hurt me and my brothers and I am still feeling that pain to this day. My father, he was a cruel man. Selfish and destructive. My father, whom I once loved and labeled as my hero, I am now trying not to despise. My father... I can not begin to explain what he did or how... I can not begin to explain him or what all he put me through... My father, he made me into who I am today. And for that I will forever hold against him.
Annie McLaughlin Mar 2016
Oh god, I desire
To be just like the one I admire
You inspire
Me you selfish hateful liar
You tire me
You wire me
To believe just what you be
I hear the warnings from the choir
"Stop right there, that man's a liar!"
Oh, my eyes catch that certain fire
I must inquire
What inspired you
Dear mr liar
Annie McLaughlin Dec 2015
She attempted to burn her skin with the mere faucet
But no matter how warm the water became
the only marks on her skin were those previously left
by the hands of the rusty blade - hidden deep within her nightmares

She lay naked on the shower floor
****** legs and ****** arms spread out in front of her
and only she could make out the difference
between her tears and the running water

This child knew in that moment
that her every second on this earth had been a waste.
If only her mother, or the man that claimed to love her
knew just how empty she could feel
they would surely want no part in her disasterous real

So she lay down in the shower
as the water ran cold
and prayed for it drown her
with the small hope that there was still a God to show
Annie McLaughlin Feb 2016
Distance,
only but a word for some
yet for I, describes much more
Distance,
this is how my life's become
the miles, the cities between, oh how my heart has tore

Distance,
has been all except a pleasure knowing
oh, a ghost in which haunts my dreams
Distance,
just a sliver of light still glowing
though the pain shall dim the beams

Distance,
if only thus could disappear
maybe then my heart would mend
Distance,
I wish that I could have you near
Distance be my friend
Wrote this at a friend's request who is experiencing long-distance friendships.
Annie McLaughlin Sep 2015
I think they call it suicide
When you do it knowing you're going to die
But does it count
If you have already killed my insides?
Annie McLaughlin Mar 2017
When shall I get out of this rut?
Counting down the hours until I can go
Only five and a half now, but
I'll be back next weekend, I know.

And only thirty dollar bills a day, for what?
To get hit and kicked and yelled at
I'd rather get payed for selling my body like a ****
Or maybe I'll be a professional eater and become professionally fat.

Pure disgust is all I have to say
Until next time, dreadful day.
Annie McLaughlin Mar 2016
goodbye kiss - don't call it that
i know it's true, but don't call it that
you hugged me for an extended amount of time
like it was the last
it might be true, but don't think like that
walking away, i forced myself not to look back
like it was the last time i would be seeing you
it just might be, but we don't know that

i sat and cried on the steering wheel
until i realized people were giving me funny looks
and looks of concern
i screamed to myself, don't cry like that
so i drove and my eyes teared up
and i didn't exactly care if i got in a wreck
as long as it could take away the pain
on the inside
but he still needs you, don't drive like that

then i drove and i drove
and i played the same two songs on repeat
and people still gave me funny looks
i know i'm crying, don't stare like that
and then i finally stopped crying
at least on the outside
and i went outside and smiled at strangers
but it wasn't real, don't live like that
Annie McLaughlin Apr 2016
I understand this is hard for you
A woman whom could not govern her own
So as to reside in a greater power
In which this hope has rescued you
I understand your concern
That I will have no such one to place my blame on
But oh, you must see
That much more profound happiness
May very well be found elsewhere
In a world that which does not provide
Such an easy excuse to these troubles
You must understand, simply as I do,
That one or both are wrong,
So that these endless quarrels are useless
Let me believe in my logic and you in your fairytales
And fulfill your hunger for strife
Elsewhere
You might get it. You might not. That's okay.
Annie McLaughlin Mar 2016
There isnt much to say
My mind refuses to think at this time of day
My hand refuse to move in that form or way
My lungs refuse to breathe, held up with clay
My heart it will not beat, it simply lay
I dont have words to say
Until you cross my mind at break of day
Until you caress my hand in that certain way
Until your lungs clear mine, free of their clay
My heart can not not beat how you and I lay
Annie McLaughlin Apr 2016
when did I become
Everything I'm running from?
Annie McLaughlin Apr 2016
Focus
this moment won't last forever
Focus
take it in, not only the better
Focus
on our heavy breaths synchronizing
on the way that our bodies mold perfectly together
Focus
on his eyes, his chest, his lips on my collarbone
Focus
on the tree outside the window
that has been an umbrella to our love
Focus
on the bandaids on my arm
blocking the gory scars from a quick relapse
Focus
on the pleasure
that only he could cause
Focus
this moment won't last forever.
Annie McLaughlin Mar 2016
Your desperate tears mean nothing to him
For all he knows, the second they are wiped away
You go back to your happy whim
Your damaged eyes amount to little
For all he knows, the second they are hid away
You're no longer feeling brittle
Annie McLaughlin May 2016
Here's a fact.
Here's the truth.
Here's my heart surrendered
At the thought of never knowing you again.
Here's the fact.
Here's a truth.
Here are my arms abandoned
With the feel of never touching you again.
Hear this fact.
Hear my truth.
Absorb my bleeding tongue
As it has let these gory words flow through.
Hear my heart.
Hear my cry
As I recognize my last,
My forever last living glimpse of you.
coming to know reality
Annie McLaughlin Feb 2016
When all has been personally ripped from your grasp
only then do you have the right to say,
What is there left to lose?

**Unless that right is taken from you, too
you
Annie McLaughlin Dec 2016
grade nine, cold feet, new beginning
when is this going to end?
counting the scars, but only the visible ones
43.
is that enough to send me to the counselor?
i sit down, squint my eyes
****, everything hurts
but i can't complain
i did this to myself
"oh my god, what happened?"
pretty girl asks from across the table
accident.
that's what i say
it's always an accident.
day is done, get on the bus, wait to cry
second stop
i get off
go into my room
more scars
they keep adding up
i'm not going to make it past 14.
17 now
happy moments
oh, ****
i still have scars, don't i?
It's hard to write about what happened to me in 9th grade. It's hard to really acknowledge that these things happened.
Annie McLaughlin Feb 2016
You say goodnight
And I say goodbye
And you don't even notice
The difference
Annie McLaughlin Jan 2016
Green light
Came to me in my dreams.
Green light
Told me I was good.
Green light
Shone all four bright beams
To let me know I could.

Green light
Said it believed in me.
Green light
Promised me love.
Green light
I believe was a prophecy
Of someone who loves me up above.

Green light
Woke me up out of my sleep.
Green light
Was just my computer screen.
Annie McLaughlin Feb 2016
In Sunday school they taught me
that each and every hair
represents God's creation.

In Elementary school they taught me
that each and every hair
could be trimmed unevenly by rusty pink scissors.

In Middle school they taught me
that each and every hair
need be pulled back properly during gym class if seen as a disturbance.

In High school they taught me
that each and every hair
should be blue or green or purple, just anything but ordinary.

In Beauty school they taught me
that each and every hair
make all the difference, and what you become of them is a masterpiece.

At Graduates school they taught me
that each and every hair
represents the stress that you carry day by day.

After school they taught me
that each and every hair
Is useless as it adds to the problems you already carry.
Annie McLaughlin Sep 2015
I guess Im writing this
Because there's really no one else
To share my feelings with
And I like to think, dad
That you're up in heaven
And its not as bad
Without us, as it is down here without you
Because you're watching me, dad
I bet you can see my every move

But dad, if you saw my every move you'd dissaprove
I'm broken, dad
And I don't know how to cope without you
And maybe, dad
If you never left
I wouldn't do the things that I had
And maybe, dad
If I hadn't done the things that I had
I wouldn't be this **** sad
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