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Apr 2018 · 466
I served my purpose I guess
Ryan Hoysan Apr 2018
Who was your ******* rock? The one you relied on when others relied on you? I was the keystone who kept you together and kept the others together unbeknownst to them. I was the bandage sealing the wound from the bacteria of the world, from the ill thoughts and mean-spirited things of the world. I was your ******* crutch that supported you and helped you stand upright in this world. But just like a crutch, like a bandage, I was discarded once the problem was summarily handled. I hope you bleed out next time.
This is the first thing I've written in months. Nothing like anger to make someone impassioned, heh? Either way, I just had to get something out or this was going to eat me up.
Oct 2017 · 471
Restless as the tarantula
Ryan Hoysan Oct 2017
This poem is originally written by my favorite poet, Charles Bukowski. .

they're not going to let you
sit at a front table
at some cafe in Europe
in the mid-afternoon sun.
if you do, somebody's going to
drive by and
spray your guts with a
submachine gun.

they're not going to let you
feel good
for very long
anywhere.
the forces aren't going to
let you sit around
*******-off and
relaxing.
you've got to go
their way.

the unhappy, the bitter and
the vengeful
need their
fix - which is
you or somebody
anybody
in agony, or
better yet
dead, dropped into some
hole.

as long as there are
humans about
there is never going to be
any peace
for any individual
upon this earth or
anywhere else
they might
escape to.

all you can do
is maybe grab
ten lucky minutes
here
or maybe an hour
there.

something
is working toward you
right now, and
I mean you
and nobody but
you.
I came across this poem in a book of his poems and I discovered it wasn't on this site. As it is very relevant to my life right now I thought to share it with the rest of the community. I hope you enjoyed it as much as I did. Messages and comments are welcome as always.
Sep 2017 · 342
It's always been you
Ryan Hoysan Sep 2017
I want you in all of my life
From the extraordinary
To the extra-ordinary
Just thought of this on the fly and I went with it, nothing to grand.
Sep 2017 · 425
The author of my happiness
Ryan Hoysan Sep 2017
For a few months time
I kept a poetry notebook
Always by my side.

When I would write about
Something happy and positive
It would be written on the next page from the front of my notebook.

When I would write about
Something sad and somber or negative
I would write it on the next page from the back of my notebook.

It almost seemed like a competition then
Which would fill up my pages first?
Joy or sorrow?

Now and then I still take that notebook
Thumb it open
And examine its pages.

The only difference is
That now my happiness
Is written on my face
In the form of a smile
And you are the author
Who placed it there.
To come after the day of work, till then, have a good day friends.
Aug 2017 · 269
In the night
Ryan Hoysan Aug 2017
To those hidden under blankets, huddled close to their lovers:
     There are some among us who are wrapped in blankets of our own tears.

To those who purse their lips in a smile as soft melodies floating through the air lull you to sleep:
     There are those of us who write sleepless lullabies on our arms with the sharp embrace of the blade, our only comfort.
So, where to start, there's just so much. First off, my best friend relapsed with her self harm, I'm doing my best to support her, but I know she's struggling with a lot and I just cross my fingers and hope that if there is a god of any kind anywhere in this world that it take pity on her and take this suffering from her. Second, I think I've found my muse, but it appears to be the very same thing that always brings me back, the eternal human condition, the struggle we all face. Any messages or comments are welcome and thank you for taking the time to read this.
Ryan Hoysan Jul 2017
It was only just about four months ago
That a girl from Canada I'd never met
Would steal my heart, a love so whole
My emotions skyrocketing, love so sure
Was followed soon thereafter
With silence and the void
Hearing nothing, not even a whisper
She has seemingly disappeared
Back to the nothingness she came from.
It was about four months ago that I met the person writing as the profile blackrainboots here on HP. We became very close very quickly. She was from a small town in Canada. Any activity and communications from her ceased about maybe a month into the two of us talking and it seemed to be extraordinarily unpronounced. It just seemed weird. If anyone knows her personally or knows what's happened, if anything has indeed happened, please let me know.
Jul 2017 · 867
WRITERS
Ryan Hoysan Jul 2017
We as writers have the ability to do many things.
We know how to change the tenses of many different words,
Such as love becoming had loved
And together becomes we were together.
We have the knowledge to change things
From the affirmative to the negative,
Such as we’re in love
To she isn’t in love
Or she is always by my side
To I rarely see her anymore.
We can combine the two
To change something that is happening
To something that might have never even happened,
Such as how will always be in love
Changes to were we ever in love?
And how I love you
Could be flipped to ask
Didn’t you ever love me?
Inspired by many memories from many people. This idea has been occupying space in my head for a few days now... This is the release I have found for it.
Jun 2017 · 230
Suicide
Ryan Hoysan Jun 2017
I had to talk another person
out of it last night.
When will the world learn
Not to encourage such behavior?
A friend of mine was contemplating this last night and others they knew were telling them to do it, that their life wasn't worth anything. When will the world learn not to encourage this anymore?
Jun 2017 · 435
My tranquility
Ryan Hoysan Jun 2017
I have often been criticized for my seeming lack of motivation and drive
But I am content with celebrating beauty as it enters the world
And mourning the same beauty as it leaves this world.
Do not mistake my apparent lack of outward motivation for laziness.
Jun 2017 · 257
My true love
Ryan Hoysan Jun 2017
When madnesses o'er takes me
I shall watch the world burn in the light of your eyes.
A little something that came to mind while I was on my way home from my summer class. Hope you enjoy it.
May 2017 · 290
Picture Frames
Ryan Hoysan May 2017
Why is it that when things seem picture perfect
That it is then when the picture frame shatters?
I will come back to fill this in since I am at work currently. As always feel free to comment or send me a message. Have a good day everyone!
May 2017 · 403
Scars
Ryan Hoysan May 2017
Some people say that self harm and cutting are fake
I can tell you they're not
These are my friends
This is my family
Carving line after line of fear and self-loathing into their limbs
So you may believe that they aren't real
But I will tell you differently
Because for each and every one of these people
The scars are all too real...
I just thought of this at work and had to rush to the bathroom to get some privacy to write it down before I forgot it. Inspired by real events in my life. As always comments and messages are welcome.
Apr 2017 · 265
Others
Ryan Hoysan Apr 2017
And I've been told that there are others
But that is exactly why they are others
Because they are everyone other than you
Just needed to write and this came to mind, so I'm posting it before I forget. As always, comments and messages are welcomed with open arms.
Ryan Hoysan Apr 2017
There are two kinds of people in this world.
There are those of us, who will look at pictures of the past and feel awash with a glowing warmth, remember the perfection of those single moments.
And then there are others among us, others like you and I, who view photos much the same way, yet feel much less euphoric, because while we also take the moment to remember that perfection, we use the next millennia of moments to lament the passing of this perfection
Just came to me, so here it is. I guess I'll also share my thoughts on the new site layout since that seems to be the trend. Well, not that it's a unique opinion, but I feel that given time (and a quick fix to all the errors and glitches people are getting) it could (key word being could) come out better than most people are expecting it to be. Maybe they could have beta tested the layout before releasing it en mass, but it's an attempt at a breath of fresh air. Give them a chance to at least attempt to iron out the kinks before we make complete and total judgements.
Mar 2017 · 693
The Title is Unimportant
Ryan Hoysan Mar 2017
This is my credo
this is my dogma
this is my statement of belief
you can call this whatever you like
because the title is unimportant
this is my uncompromising doctrine
of which I believe in
to the utmost degree.
Everyone is important
Despite what they may think of themselves
Every single person has a life that matters
No matter how they see their life
I will be the person who is left
When everyone else has left
And you believe yourself to be alone
I will be the one who believes in you
When even you do not believe in yourself
I will be the one to remind you of your beauty
When you forget the beauty you possess
I will be the one who will listen for eternity
When you feel like you are worthless
I will see value and worth within you
Even when you believe yourself to be worth nothing
I will be the one to worry over you
While you worry over everyone else
Come hell or high water
Regardless of the burden it shall place upon my shoulders
I will undertake the task
Of lessening the pain and suffering of others
For I can bear much suffering
And my heart is warmed by the sight
Of suffering and pain being lifted from someone’s shoulders
I will do all that is within my power
Put forth all the effort I can
With mind, body and soul
I step forth into this world
To deny suffering a place here
And to lessen the pain
Felt by any and all
So bring me all the worst
Of your broken
Of your bruised
Of your supposedly insane
Dreams feelings and memories
Bare your soul to me
And I shall reply in kind
Welcoming you in to the depth of my being
And encompassing you within the warmth that I possess
I know that I may not save all
But that will NOT STOP me from trying
To save everyone
Because if I can save even one person
Then any sacrifice is worth the chance
So, if you've made it this far I thank you for taking the time to read this overly large write. Many friends of mine have suffered through many things or are still suffering. These things range from mental illnesses like depression, anxiety, and suicidal thoughts to abuse, family troubles, and a loss of meaning in life. Everyone has their struggles in life, who am I to add any more of a burden onto their shoulders. I try to make the world a better place by taking the burdens of others and placing them upon my own shoulders because I know that I can handle it. I do everything I possibly can to accept every single person, no exceptions, as a whole. People are the sum of their parts, but their parts alone do not define them. I do not expect everyone or even many to share my sentiment, but nonetheless, this is MY sentiment that I am putting forth. If there is anyone who needs someone to talk to on a rough night or if there is anyone who is just looking for a pleasant chat, I welcome both with open arms, please reach out to me through a comment or a message and I will do my best to respond as soon as I can.
Ryan Hoysan Mar 2017
Fire

So many people say lighting fires makes them calm or feel better even.

Why?

Because fire is destructive and in those moments we have created this mass of heat and ash that could take down our neighborhoods if we tipped over the pit... yet we have taken control of it. This monstrous snake that eats away at all in its path is under our thumbs. We decided how large it grows. We tell it when to stop. I think people love playing with fire so much because we cannot control our own fires in our lives. The things that eat away at us day after day are escaping from our grasp. They become the orange and red seas that flood our hearts and spill out onto our wrists.

Harmless campfires satisfy our thirst to overcome the hellish pits of our minds.

- Yacinia Agosto
- 10/13/16
I asked my friend if I could post this poem she'd written to this site because I liked it so much.
Mar 2017 · 663
I'm not Shakespeare but...
Ryan Hoysan Mar 2017
Shall I compare thee to a summers day?
     I think not, for the day's end soon approaches as does Summer's demise.
     Shall I compare them to a sparkling diamond?
     Again, I think not, for many diamonds are cut apart to gain their beauty.
     Shall I compare thee to a crescendo of song, reaching its peak?
     Still, I think not, for each and every note may yet still go sour.
     While some may profess these things as perfection, you are indeed perfection in my eyes.
     Now and forever.
Not sure how I feel with it overall, I mean I like it, but it could be better.
Mar 2017 · 326
Tripped into love
Ryan Hoysan Mar 2017
People will say that they've fallen in love
But I'm a little different from the masses
I tripped over my own two feet
And stumbled my way into your life
And you caught me with your love
Well, despite my writing poetry, I can never seem to untie my tongue when I want to tell a special lady that I love them for the first time. I'm still incredulous that she said yes.
Mar 2017 · 337
Untitled
Ryan Hoysan Mar 2017
The beat of her heart
Is the steady beat
That I march to
Mar 2017 · 428
Untitled
Ryan Hoysan Mar 2017
We’re in our mid-twenties
Making our way home from the bar

You
Drunk on sweet cotton candy *****
Stumbling and flowing through my grasp as I help you into the car

Me
Drunk on your kisses
Sweeter than any cotton candy
From those blush colored lips of yours

Drunk on the soothing scent of apples
Hanging in the air between us

Drunk on those warm hot chocolate colored eyes of yours
That always manage to drown me in their endless depth

Drunk on that innocent smile
That pulls me in with the promise of things much less innocent

Drunk on the way you slurred
The words I love you
And immediately followed it up with a laugh

Drunk on the way your spirit seemed to fly free
How your thoughts seemed to soar
In the moonlit night above

Drunk on every aspect of your entire existence

And I hope I do not sober up anytime soon
So, this poem is based off of events that happened in my mind about a close friend and I.
Ryan Hoysan Mar 2017
Love is the thing that can bring you back from your lowest of lows.
Unfortunately, the loss of it is often the thing that puts you at your lowest.
This was thought up after, again, telling a person that I had such intense feelings for them and realizing that, although they did have feelings for me, that they weren't nearly as intense or strong as my feelings. I'm not necessarily distraught or defeated by this information, I just feel like now I must find a new course to direct my energies towards.
Mar 2017 · 187
Untitled
Ryan Hoysan Mar 2017
When I see you
Every day feels like Christmas
Because if giving is truly better than receiving
Than I'd give you the entire world
And set it in the palm of your hand
But as I am just me
And I am unable to give you the world
Please let me be
Some of the happiest memories you ever create
Written this morning, again about the same very close friend of mine.
Mar 2017 · 517
My name on your lips
Ryan Hoysan Mar 2017
To hear my name uttered from your lips
Is like the sirens song
A thing of utter beauty
That leaves me perilously dashed upon the rocks
Again, inspired by a very close friend of mine.
Mar 2017 · 397
The moon and I
Ryan Hoysan Mar 2017
I sympathize with the moon in the sky
For I too am eternally searching for the light of my world
This was inspired by an extremely close friend of mine who is the sun in my sky, the one who I chase after knowing that I may never catch her.
Feb 2017 · 819
Humans are Pitiful
Ryan Hoysan Feb 2017
Humans are truly pitiful things
We are born weak
We are born with nothing
Yet we desire everything
Especially those things that we can not have
But we do not have a care for one another
The happiness of those that surround us is never given a second thought
Yet there are some who break the mold
Who utterly shatter any precepts of what a human being is
And should be
And ever could become
There are those of us that say **** the rules
There are those of that have forever heard the phrase "life isn't fair" and are sick and ******* tired of it, those of us who are working to make that statement a relic of history
Those of use who place others happiness on the forefront of our mind before even our own
Those of us who forget ourselves in order to keep another from losing them self.
There are those of us that say ***** the rules and live by our own motto
Those of us who kick hatreds *** in an attempt to give every single person in the world the one thing that everyone deserves
The one thing that everyone is entitled to:
Happiness.
Literally jumped out of the shower this morning, still full of soap just to write down this thought. Looking at it now, I'd say it was well worth it. This poem is kind of about me and the way I live a large part of my life.
Feb 2017 · 432
You are beautiful
Ryan Hoysan Feb 2017
If ever you forget
I will remind you
This isn't really to anyone in particular, more so it was just written to everyone that reads it. I hope this brightens your day and brings a smile to your face.
Feb 2017 · 663
I hate to admit it
Ryan Hoysan Feb 2017
As human beings
We have the potential
To do anything we set our minds to
Except for this moment in time
I feel as if the odds are stacked just slightly too high against me
As though sheer force of will just won't cut it this time
As much as I hate to think this way I fear it might be true
I've started thinking that maybe the major that I've chosen to study in college just isn't working out. It has been my dream to study computer science in college and make a career out of it, but I'm not so sure of that anymore. Maybe I'll end up changing majors... Things are just kinda complicated in my mind right now.
Feb 2017 · 523
Her
Ryan Hoysan Feb 2017
Her
This morning I thought
I had found the girl of my dreams.
And then I woke up.
Turns out, she was just that.
Feb 2017 · 326
To those in line
Ryan Hoysan Feb 2017
To you who were first among the rest:
        You gave me my first taste of soft, supple lips. You were also the one who opened my eyes to heartbreak. I loved you and my heart has yet to forget you.

To the one who came next, the one second in line:
        You were a diamond in the rough, often overlooked.
We clashed like fire and water, creating steam that fueled our loved for one another. We would go back and forth, sometimes for hours on end, trying to convince ourselves we each loved the other more. We never did discover our answer, but can something infinite be bested?

To you thrice in line, most recent in time:
        You hold galaxies in your eyes, you are endlessly creative and imaginative. You were the one who struggled with life, but who never let anyone else face life alone. You always knew just how to leave a smile upon my face. You were gentle and caring, but protective with love, I was never going anywhere expect by your side. We ruled OUR world, creating our perfect future together... I'm still realizing that perfect just isn't.

To you who shall come fourth in line, now or in future times:
        I wish for it to be you who holds my hand in life and to be the one who holds me memory till the end of eternity.
This poem was inspired by the song "How did you love" by the band: Shinedown. It's about the past relationships I've had, as well as the next relationship that may be on the horizon.
Feb 2017 · 881
Candy hearts
Ryan Hoysan Feb 2017
As I sit here
Pondering a box of candy hearts
I wonder  
If my words
Have lain upon your heart like such
Feb 2017 · 532
Photographs
Ryan Hoysan Feb 2017
I wonder how many photos I've been cropped out of.
How many memories I've been erased from.
I wonder how many of my past loves parents could recall my name.
I'd often befriend them as well.
I've lost a lot of lovers,
but my love for them has never left.
Just a passing thought about all the past relationships I've had. I still wonder if they still look at old pictures of us and remember those times we spent together...
Jan 2017 · 406
Heartbeats
Ryan Hoysan Jan 2017
Lately I've had a weird heart beat
The doctors are concerned
I tell them to take it easy
This is normal
My heart will naturally skip a beat
When I am thinking of you
Nothing is wrong with me incase anybody was worried. :)
Jan 2017 · 158
Breath
Ryan Hoysan Jan 2017
I crave not the one that takes my breath away
Instead, give me the one that makes me forget to breath
Jan 2017 · 2.7k
The rose
Ryan Hoysan Jan 2017
A rose is beautiful to behold
Its stem a pain to hold
Though easier to hold
Is a rose without thorns
Really a rose
Pristine and true?
This poem came from listening to my professor talk about trigonometry. Much more entertaining to focus on this, I think.
Jan 2017 · 347
Story book endings
Ryan Hoysan Jan 2017
Self-harm scars tell a story
Of who a person is
And what they're going through
But all too often
The stories they tell
Have a storybook ending
Like something from the brothers Grimm
Telling instead,
The story
Of what they went through
And who a person was...
Inspired by a recent conversation with a friend of mine. The form/flow isn't exactly very poetic, but the idea is more so.
Ryan Hoysan Jan 2017
I love you, she said
I know, he replied sleepily
Lost in each other's eyes
Another (attempt) at a haiku. I usually have difficulty creating these because of the structure, but sometimes I manage to pull something together. Sometimes words only scratch the surface of the history between people. A smile can tell more of a story than a million words.
Jan 2017 · 954
Cold Bones
Ryan Hoysan Jan 2017
I'm cold
I'm empty
It feels as though
there's nothing left inside
these broken bones of mine.
Just thinking about a lot of nothing in my own head. Seems like I'm leading myself down the spiral of my mind, just hope I don't get lost for too long.
Jan 2017 · 1.9k
I'm not perfect
Ryan Hoysan Jan 2017
You're perfect,
        She said.

And I felt myself crumble
        Because I knew I was not so

You are perfect,
        She repeated.

Perfect for me,
        You are everything I could ever want.

And I felt myself
        Become whole again.
This was written at 1 am, while I was missing your 2 o'clock snores and your 3 am sleepy smile floating across your face.
Dec 2016 · 637
Quantum leap of induction
Ryan Hoysan Dec 2016
According to the laws of physics time travel is technically possible, but would require an immense amount of energy to accomplish.
Though I could never hope to muster that much energy I place myself in the past with you
Thinking that if I had changed this or done that one thing differently that you would still be here today with me.
Surely I could have changed the way things worked out

Or maybe not.

Maybe what happened was going to happen would still happen
Just maybe at a different time
And at a different place
But with the same end result.
The title is a play on the words "Quantum Leap" and "Inductive Leap". Any comments are appreciated :).
Dec 2016 · 563
Odd little place
Ryan Hoysan Dec 2016
Yesterday I found an odd little place
A real hole in the wall sort of joint
Where the doldrums of life roll on and on
Where day changes to night, but leaves no one the wiser
Where today could be tomorrow even though it really seems like yesterday
When now and then are full of the same thing

It's an odd little place
A real hole in the wall joint
Just look through the looking glass
And dive down the rabbit hole
And you'll discover this world within ours.
The other night I did something I hoped I wouldn't have to do. I went to visit a very close friend of mine in the behavioral health/psych ward of the hospital. It's not that I didn't want to have to go to a place like that, it's just that I hoped I could help make it so that those closest to me wouldn't need to go there because things wouldn't get to that point. At least they're getting the help that I can't give.
Nov 2016 · 533
Untitled (10 Word)
Ryan Hoysan Nov 2016
Don't fix what isn't broken
Can't fix what never existed
This was a spurr of the moment write that isn't based off of anything (currently) happening in my life. It is a thought I've been examining within myself and in my relationships with others.
Nov 2016 · 2.8k
Calculus and I
Ryan Hoysan Nov 2016
Bite into an apple
It tastes like am orange should
This is confusion.
Hey, I actually kinda managed to write a haiku. I'm proud of this. This is inspired by the way I describe my confusion with calculus. It is as follows: ascribe all the visual and physical properties of an apple to something. It would then follow that since it looks like an apple AND it feels like an apple, that this is an apple and should taste like an apple. But what if it tasted like an orange while still seemingly being an apple? This would cause quite the spat of cognitive dissonance. This is my hell.
Nov 2016 · 635
The path we choose
Ryan Hoysan Nov 2016
We're all headed to the same destination.
Why not take the scenic route?
Short, simple, but still meaningful. I like this little thought a lot.
Oct 2016 · 260
These Words I Offer to You
Ryan Hoysan Oct 2016
If I could sing, I would write the melody of us in the key of happiness

If I could draw, I would paint a portrait of you just so you could always see the beauty that I do.

If I could dance, I would dance the night away with you in a fit of burning passion.

I may not be able to do every wonderful thing I wish I could for you, but I can write and these words are what I can offer. Will you please accept them and hold them close to your heart?
For the person I hope I will one day discover as my other half.
Oct 2016 · 537
Holding my breath
Ryan Hoysan Oct 2016
I'm frightened
I'm terrified
I'm absolutely unnerved.
Every moment
Every next heartbeat
I stand here
Clenching my phone.
Waiting for that next message back from you

Because that means you're still alive. And for a second I can breath.
I've had some late nights where I've been up all night talking to good friends of mine trying to convince them that they matter and that life is worth living. It terrifies me every time I don't get a text back.
Oct 2016 · 647
Untitled
Ryan Hoysan Oct 2016
I always try to choose my words carefully
Each syllable like an incision with a scalpel
Well intentioned and good mannered
In hopes of removing the ticking time bombs placed inside you and me by those that have left us behind
But one wrong slip
One accidental miscalculation
Obliterates the progress that I have so carefully tried to create.
Could one word have changed it all?
Could one different syllable be the reason that you are still here?
I wanted to give this piece a title, but I couldn't decide on one that I was satisfied with. If anyone has a suggestion I'd be glad to hear it.
Ryan Hoysan Oct 2016
Some write to fight
To fight the demons of the night.
Some write to delight
To bring laughter to the night.
Others still write to tell of their plight
Of the struggle to survive the night.
Many write to feel bright
Creating light from the darkness of the night.
Why do I write?
And why mostly at night?
I strive to feel alive
And I thrive
As I begin to fight
The monsters of tonight.
I tried to sort of do a rhyme, not sure how well it turned out in practice. That aside, I'm really curious as to why the many people of this site write the things they do. What is everybody's reason for writing? Please share your reason to write in the comments. As always I will gladly take any constructive criticism and welcome any messages sent to me.
Oct 2016 · 654
My dream girl
Ryan Hoysan Oct 2016
When I find the girl of my dreams
She needn't be gallant not supreme.
Neither must she be
Pristine and part of the scene.
She does not have to be
Just like me.

My dream girl might be many things, with many traits ascribed to her,
But I only need her
To be one very special thing.

Mine, for now and forever.
Oct 2016 · 499
Burnout
Ryan Hoysan Oct 2016
Not being able to give even 1% because you have 100% for just a moment too long...
All of a sudden my mind just stopped. It ceased to focus. I wish I could turn it off sometimes.
Oct 2016 · 318
Untitled
Ryan Hoysan Oct 2016
If I had a bus that promised comfort for all
And a ticket for each and every one of you
And said we'll leave tonight
For where, I don't rightly know, but we will just drive for the sake of being anywhere but here.
If I promised you that at some point we will reach out destinations,
I wonder,
Just how many of you would punch your ticket...
I would so very much rather be anywhere than standing here with my thoughts running awry.
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