they crunch under my feet
because however hard i try,
i will never keep them in tact

i don't recognise the "girl" in the mirror anymore,
is she still there??
maybe crushed inside
the stars still burn bright just too deep for anyone to see them, or for her to see them
if i'm so uncomfortable in this body why am i still in it
i don't want to play the part anymore
i'm lost, i need to find me
however, there's something comforting about no-one seeing you, but when you leave it too long you can't see you either

parts of you can reappear,
like when you buy a new shirt,
it fits unlike the ones that cling,
you can hide in this one
but it's made for someone else
someone they don't expect you to be
and someone no-one wants you to be
but who do i want me to be
i want to be able to look in the mirror and like what i see, or even just accept it and feel safe within that body that isn't just a skin like this

and suddenly i can see them, colours
like i've been so oblivious to their existence before.
i notice the yellow rim around my towels
and the redness of my lips,
the shampoo bottle is actually blue
and my scrunchies reflect deep purple.
like my eyes and my soul have become desensitised to the beauty surrounding my life.
A life full of colour.
I don't want to merely exist anymore,
I am happy to be alive.

i don't expect love back from you
but mine is here
if you need it

we learn to navigate the darkness
learn to let it seep through our souls
that way it's no longer unnerving
it's comfortable and beautiful

there are days when all i can do is exist
while desperately trying not to;
there are days when all i can think is bliss
because the silence has drawn to

there are moments when the world has
gone dark inside my head;
there are moments when the room has
started spinning with dread

sometimes all i can do is
try to exist
but whether that works or not is
forever shrouded in mist

you turn to me but i'm not there
i'm drowning
i told you but you couldn't listen
the thoughts won't make sense
none are clear
they're surrounding
encompassing and unnerving
if i take one last breath
would you notice the body
folded neatly
lying under the baggage
you placed on my back
i can no longer support myself
but you won't take the load
stuck inside your head
and i'm stuck with you
if i stop speaking
i'll stop breathing
so i'll carry on until my
fingers are shaking too much
from lack of oxygen
or sometimes too much
i can hear my breathing
speeding up faster
ready to take off and
fly away with what's left of
my soul and spirit
that you didn't crush
still going as i recognise
the dizzy daze i'm falling into
waiting to collapse in
on myself for maybe
the last time
for a while at least
we both know it won't happen
because of you
i couldn't however much you
argue and scream and shout
or maybe it's because of her
calming my mind
ok i have to stop now
i told you it would get too much
once again i say
i'm sorry
remember me
or the old me
if you can
it wasn't your fault

there is no future, and there is no escape
it’s now or never
i’ve never had this hollowness in my gut
where i realise there is no way out

i am trapped in this body but also forever
does that mean i’m trapped with this mind
i can’t go on like this anymore

it could happen at any moment
whether i go through the consequences then

i need to end this suffering
my head is so full i don’t know what i’m expected to do anymore
i just feel like an empty lifeless corpse

all i can do is float around and pretend to be a part of something when actually i'm not

i’ve lost the place i felt safe to somewhere i can’t see and don’t know if it’s true
i don’t understand it

but what’s the point anymore
if i’m going to end and all my friends are going to end
why not end now instead of suffering through day to day

i’m useless
worthless

i wish it was easier to let go
but i know it’s not easy
especially when no one can hear me

because i can only scream in silence

everything's so white, clean
when life's not like that

each year the
christmas spirit
dies a bit

and this year
it killed us a-
-long with it

it's me isn't it?!
i speak -
     things
                 fall
                         apart
i don't mean it -
      i'm
              covered
                               in
                                      scars
i hold my tongue -
     i'm
             losing
                         who
                                   you
                                             are -
                                           you're
                                           losing
                                             me
i say i'm sorry -
     it's
           not
                   my
                           fault -
                 but
                   i
               know
         it
   is
i walk away -
    leave
                the
                          things
                               ­          i
                                              tore
            ­                                             apart
                                                            to
 ­                                              c
                                        r
                     ­                        a
                                  c
                           ­          k
                               l
                      e
and
          b
                    u
 ­                                 r
                              ­                 n

can i apologise again?
     no.

       the
          damage
                       is
                         done

you've
found
the
p
r
o
b
l
e
m.

would i even recognise myself
without all these accessories,
layers upon layers of mere tissue paper
that crumples under the softest touch

i have felt
like      this  
before

that my being
and          existence
of life

does attack and
physically                 p a i n
them

"we are such stuff
that             dreams
are made on"

but no-one says
that these                    d r e a m s
can go bad

i do fully believe i will one day fall in love,
but your words have shattered my ideals.
but what if i can’t love like i think,
i do fully believe in love, but i can’t picture it.

i don’t love like other people,
it’s hard to find someone to love
like i’m missing something that everyone else can see clearly
inside there’s a grey area that should be a burst of colour,
a burst of my life that’s missing

no one gets it,
is there someone who not only hears but feel my words
where are you, can you help me
for once, i'm asking for help
this must be serious

i feel safe within the darkness
so when it's taken away
where can i feel safe

i can remember the pain,
but unlike most other pain
i can't feel its touch.

i can remember how it felt,
the smooth yet knife-like edge
slicing open my dense skin.

i can remember that feeling,
i yearn for it to come back
and haunt me.

i can remember the sweet release,
the deep incision
and i want it back.

yet i cannot remember how it felt,
i cannot feel the cold glass
that was once there.

but i want it back.

i am sick to my stomach
of all these panic attacks,
the butterflies are losing
their colours and their strength.

creeps up on you when you finally think you're ok
but the winter has finished now
we gotta wait for summer to come around
when they're out in full force
when you turn the corner and least expect it
don't worry it'll find you

my skin opens up effortlessly
revealing the source of life behind
it seeps through the cracks
revealing its secrets to my mind
the burning sensation tingles
finally letting me feel the pain
the streak of red like no other
finally showing the world i'm insane
the sense of release so rewarding
letting me relax inside my body
this may not seem so healthy to others, i'm
letting you know i truly am sorry

i'm sick
broken
drowning
disintegrated
everything's so tight, closed off, heart clenching,
disembodied, bruises, strangled,
detonating, beautiful, strenuous,
driven down, hole, black,
peaceful, floral, dead,
fragmented, eternal, fluid.

and i'm invisible
only seen before the light
material
glowing thought the night
invisible
strangled by the white
invincible
appearing to the slight

i run you through my fingers,
waiting for my response.
your surface smooth as water,
your blade sharp as ice.
your blue tint reflecting my sadness,
your cracks revealing my anger.
still waiting for my answer,
i place you down admiring your beauty.
little shard of glass,
nothing else can cut so smoothly.
i think about it,
can i be that strong
as to not rip you through my skin,
and watch the validation seep out?
watch your red army attack my clothes,
staining the white the deepest crimson?
i think i'm done deciding,
what will i do- only time will tell.

all we feel is pain
from a society that has torn us apart.
our words ignite thunder,
and our actions burn scars.
our views have altered because of
dreams crushed by stars.
our reality has deadened,
like our once-beautiful hearts.

pretty tears guard my eyes
little jets of rainbows shoot when they fall
everything glistens, my face glows
crying is elegant they say.

fire burns my eyeballs
the hot lava turning my cheeks red
the world becomes icy, repelled by the heat
no, crying is raw.

too busy feeling sorry for myself
to listen to them,
my pain hurts others in unforgivable ways,
when can I stop fighting this battle?
coz that's when I can stop fighting them

their trust and love
I don't deserve.
this battle isn't theirs,
its mine

I need to do what's right,
one touch and it's all gone.
then I can stop hiding,
stop fighting
against them.
breathe one last breath
they'll cry for a day,
but realise its all for the best

things will be easier
for them, not just me.
the war I'm fighting- over
I admit defeat

i'm sorry

like sorry can cut it

desperately trying to extinguish the fire of my mind,
burning the pain on paper,
not on the edge of a knife.

i don't want to let you down
i think i try but it's in my head
you don't have to forgive me
but you do
i'm sorry i let you down
i want to help, really it's true
but don't cut me slack
because it's undeserved
and you shall want it back
when you see me

sometimes i don’t even feel enough to hurt myself

i don’t know what to say
i never know what to say

so my silence is interpreted
as abandonment

if only you could see me
on the other side of the world

i’m crying and i can’t stop
because i don’t know what to say

and i can't feel like myself,
i'm locked inside the world of,
somebody else.
where the walls feel like a box,
and this skin feels like a toxin
to me.

i wanna be free

how can you expect me to go on
like nothing is wrong.
i'm suffocating from the silence
of the words unspoken, i'm tense.