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aspen wilde Jun 2022
i walked into my 18th birthday
knowing that i was loved
understanding part of my place in this world

and i woke up on my 18th birthday
with skin covered in over 100 scars
with muscles strong enough to fight for at least a few more years

and i finished my 18th birthday
feeling the luckiest
believing that i can do this

to the little girl who 4 years ago
believed she would never see her 14th birthday
this 18th birthday is for you
don’t give up ~ you are living proof that the darkest times and most broken people can make it

well done

i love you
nearly a month later ~ you can do this
these a-levels are for her also

never give up
aspen wilde Jun 2020
i'm sick
everything's so tight, closed off, heart clenching,
disembodied, bruises, strangled,
detonating, beautiful, strenuous,
driven down, hole, black,
peaceful, floral, dead,
fragmented, eternal, fluid.

and i'm invisible
only seen before the light
glowing thought the night
strangled by the white
appearing to the slight
4:48- credit to Sarah Kane's beautifully erratic play, provoking these emotions to come alive in my thoughts
aspen wilde Apr 2021
and suddenly i can see them, colours
like i've been so oblivious to their existence before.
i notice the yellow rim around my towels
and the redness of my lips,
the shampoo bottle is actually blue
and my scrunchies reflect deep purple.
like my eyes and my soul have become desensitised to the beauty surrounding my life.
A life full of colour.
I don't want to merely exist anymore,
I am happy to be alive.
aspen wilde Jul 2020
creeps up on you when you finally think you're ok
but the winter has finished now
we gotta wait for summer to come around
when they're out in full force
when you turn the corner and least expect it
don't worry it'll find you
aspen wilde Jul 2020
never have i wanted to die more
than when under your spell
aspen wilde Sep 2021
i can't see any sort of life past now,
it's blurry
and i don't know
what that's telling me.
you're gone again,
and this time so am i.
aspen wilde Jun 2020
  let the wind take over
  feel the cool waves lap your skin
  taste the bitter salt
  and smell the rushing gusts that sing

  you are not alone
  embrace the storm
  feel it caress your face
  the touch electric as the lightning streaks

  you can do it
  the storm is by your side

  because you can
aspen wilde May 2021
you preach heaven
but surely not
because you did this
you left when you
promised you wouldn't
you always leave when you
promise you won't
what am i to believe then
once again i get burned
i stand but fall
holding onto the wall
it's ok i can
survive the heat
if i stop i die
help me
grab my arms and
pull me up
into the air
where it's gone
what scared me before
i long for now
i need to focus
too scared to leave the
small white room
it's safer than out there
i can't get caught
or i die
i burn once again
closer, before collapsing
aspen wilde Jul 2022
i am sick to my stomach
of all these panic attacks,
the butterflies are losing
their colours and their strength.
aspen wilde Jun 2021
everything's so white, clean
when life's not like that
aspen wilde Apr 2021
i believe breathing in an air of love
would be the same as gasping in the
beckoning sweetness of a crimson rose on a
fresh summers day
aspen wilde Aug 2021
when the person who's keeping you alive leaves
what happens to you now
sometimes i get sad and want to hide away forever, i don’t know why but it happens quite often. usually i have a different way of dealing with it, but if i don’t do anything i end up hiding in myself and if that happens for too long i eventually get lost and completely shut down. i didn’t want that to happen so today when i woke up feeling sad and hollow i hid physically in a corner of my room, so i didn’t shutdown on the inside, which was bound to happen. i couldn’t tell you this earlier because i didn’t want to let you down and disappoint you, because it’s ungrateful, how can i be sad when i have everything. i can’t help it and i don’t know why. you don’t know it but you keep me alive. you’ve saved my life so many times without realising. these are all the things i should have told you before, but i couldn’t. because i know that when you find out you will be disappointed in me and i couldn’t live to see that disappointment on your face, i’ve seen it too many times, and this would be the end of me. i should have told you this because maybe then you wouldn’t have left, maybe you would still be here and everything would be ok. if this is because of me and how distant i am, i’m sorry, i truly am. i am a coward. something you’ve probably already figured out, but i’m an emotional coward too, and i’m sorry for how it has affected you and what it has stopped me from telling you. i don’t know what’s going to happen now, but i love you, i always will. “you saved my life, why couldn’t i save yours” that’s from all the bright places, my favourite book. you did save my life and you told me once that i did save yours, but now you’re gone so i don’t think i did a good enough job. when you said those words i knew then that it was my duty to keep you alive, to keep you from drowning just as you had me, without knowing it. but i failed you and i truly am sorry. i can’t see any sort of life past now, it’s blurry and i don’t know what that’s telling me. but whatever happens, i love you and i’m sorry, i should’ve tried harder. “when the person who’s keeping you alive leaves, what happens to you now” that’s me, these are the words i can’t stop hearing since you walked out the door. i wish i had told you these things and i wish that it’s not too late. but i know that if you ever do come back i will be too scared to say these things out loud, because i am a coward and couldn’t handle your disappointment in me. you’re right, you’ve always been right, i’m a taker and i always have been. i have so much, everything, i have no right to be sad im sorry. i love you and i really hope this isn’t goodbye. i love you more than u could ever know. thank you for saving my life.

i wrote this after you left, after you walked through the door and undid all the promises you made about never leaving.
aspen wilde Jun 2020
desperately trying to extinguish the fire of my mind,
burning the pain on paper,
not on the edge of a knife.
aspen wilde Jul 2021
i'd rather stay hidden
enveloped in darkness

you can't find me then.
noone can.
aspen wilde Oct 2021
they crunch under my feet
because however hard i try,
i will never keep them in tact
aspen wilde Jul 2021
sometimes i
don't want you
to find
aspen wilde Jun 2021
the whole night
i've been holding my breath
without realising,
so when i exhale
it surprises me with an intensity
i've never known.
aspen wilde Nov 2021
how can you expect me to go on
like nothing is wrong.
i'm suffocating from the silence
of the words unspoken, i'm tense.
what did i miss when i was gone.
you were leaving and now your here.
what did she say, what did she do.
what did you say, what did you do.
am i expected to suddenly be ok
that you were ready to die and i was ready to die too.
aspen wilde Sep 2021
i do fully believe i will one day fall in love,
but your words have shattered my ideals.
but what if i can’t love like i think,
i do fully believe in love, but i can’t picture it.

i don’t love like other people,
it’s hard to find someone to love
like i’m missing something that everyone else can see clearly
inside there’s a grey area that should be a burst of colour,
a burst of my life that’s missing

no one gets it,
is there someone who not only hears but feel my words
where are you, can you help me
for once, i'm asking for help
this must be serious
aspen wilde Oct 2021
there is no future, and there is no escape
it’s now or never
i’ve never had this hollowness in my gut
where i realise there is no way out

i am trapped in this body but also forever
does that mean i’m trapped with this mind
i can’t go on like this anymore

it could happen at any moment
whether i go through the consequences then

i need to end this suffering
my head is so full i don’t know what i’m expected to do anymore
i just feel like an empty lifeless corpse

all i can do is float around and pretend to be a part of something when actually i'm not

i’ve lost the place i felt safe to somewhere i can’t see and don’t know if it’s true
i don’t understand it

but what’s the point anymore
if i’m going to end and all my friends are going to end
why not end now instead of suffering through day to day

i’m useless

i wish it was easier to let go
but i know it’s not easy
especially when no one can hear me

because i can only scream in silence
you’re my parents, you don’t realise but you’re pushing me further into myself and one day i won’t be able to come back

you’ve just told someone who’s already suicidal that there is no hope. how do you think i feel

because i can only scream in silence.
aspen wilde Jan 2021
i can remember the pain,
but unlike most other pain
i can't feel its touch.

i can remember how it felt,
the smooth yet knife-like edge
slicing open my dense skin.

i can remember that feeling,
i yearn for it to come back
and haunt me.

i can remember the sweet release,
the deep incision
and i want it back.

yet i cannot remember how it felt,
i cannot feel the cold glass
that was once there.

but i want it back.
i can't imagine what the sting felt like,
although i've felt it
so many times before.

i feel lost without it,
like it has it's place on my skin
and deserves to be there.

i do want it back,
i ache for it deeply
to pierce me again.

please give me the strength to bring it back.
aspen wilde Dec 2021
you know what…

i’m sick of me too
aspen wilde May 2021
you turn to me but i'm not there
i'm drowning
i told you but you couldn't listen
the thoughts won't make sense
none are clear
they're surrounding
encompassing and unnerving
if i take one last breath
would you notice the body
folded neatly
lying under the baggage
you placed on my back
i can no longer support myself
but you won't take the load
stuck inside your head
and i'm stuck with you
if i stop speaking
i'll stop breathing
so i'll carry on until my
fingers are shaking too much
from lack of oxygen
or sometimes too much
i can hear my breathing
speeding up faster
ready to take off and
fly away with what's left of
my soul and spirit
that you didn't crush
still going as i recognise
the dizzy daze i'm falling into
waiting to collapse in
on myself for maybe
the last time
for a while at least
we both know it won't happen
because of you
i couldn't however much you
argue and scream and shout
or maybe it's because of her
calming my mind
ok i have to stop now
i told you it would get too much
once again i say
i'm sorry
remember me
or the old me
if you can
it wasn't your fault
pre panic attack
aspen wilde Jun 2020
hope lives within us
all we have to do
is let it fly out
aspen wilde Jul 2020
your head buried in the grains,
icy waves rush over slapping reality into you,
forcing you further into the sand.

you say you feel "pain without hope"
then let me be that hope
the sharp slap of reality doesn't always fix your problems

a sequel to 'let me in'
aspen wilde Jun 2020
my head rising and falling as you breathe,
not wanting to be that heavy burden upon your chest.
my cheek pressed to your side,
i can feel you beating, i can feel your life.
my eyes, glossy, watch your neck pulsate,
knowing the warm, loving blood is running through your veins.
my hands grab at your shirt, longing to feel our bond,
your hands twitch and tap, as you've drifted off.
my sensitive ears take in your torturous breaths,
piercing the air, screaming like gunshots, hungry for her love.
you pull me in tight, cradling my head,
tugging on my finger, snatching the string of my life.
this string is buried deep within me,
my umbilical cord, the one that wasn't stolen.
cut, biologically,
yet still waiting to be rightfully possessed.
now i'm giving it to you,
you've got my life, soft in your hands.
so grant me yours,
i'm begging, just this little thing.
i can save it,
just please, let me in.
a daughter desperately needing to save her true dad
aspen wilde Jan 2021
i keep forgetting to breathe,
forgetting to take in the oxygen
that keeps me alive.

the world doesn't know,
doesn't know the pain in my chest
that drags me under.

will you listen please,
my heart echos like
lightning and thunder.
aspen wilde Aug 2021
stuck, like in mud.
drowning, like in water.
strangled, like in air.

lost, like in myself.
aspen wilde Jun 2020
too busy feeling sorry for myself
to listen to them,
my pain hurts others in unforgivable ways,
when can I stop fighting this battle?
coz that's when I can stop fighting them

their trust and love
I don't deserve.
this battle isn't theirs,
its mine

I need to do what's right,
one touch and it's all gone.
then I can stop hiding,
stop fighting
against them.
breathe one last breath
they'll cry for a day,
but realise its all for the best

things will be easier
for them, not just me.
the war I'm fighting- over
I admit defeat

i'm sorry

like sorry can cut it
aspen wilde Jul 2020
i wish i could make you listen
for once just understand
don't always expect me to be caught up in my own facade
when i tell you there's a problem, believe me
don't ignore it because it's easier for you and you can

please can you hear me
your disregard pulls me in deeper,
further burying my secrets,
forever hiding my sin
of self-loathing,
turning it into inflation
aspen wilde Jun 2020
i run you through my fingers,
waiting for my response.
your surface smooth as water,
your blade sharp as ice.
your blue tint reflecting my sadness,
your cracks revealing my anger.
still waiting for my answer,
i place you down admiring your beauty.
little shard of glass,
nothing else can cut so smoothly.
i think about it,
can i be that strong
as to not rip you through my skin,
and watch the validation seep out?
watch your red army attack my clothes,
staining the white the deepest crimson?
i think i'm done deciding,
what will i do- only time will tell.
you once were so innocent
though now stained with red.
i took your life from you
like you itch to take mine from me.

- credit to Sylvia Plath for the red army reference
-- see 'Cut'
aspen wilde Nov 2021
i'm scared to look at you

i'll fall apart if i do
and you will too
everything i touch turns to dust

should parents be like that
aspen wilde Jul 2021
we learn to navigate the darkness
learn to let it seep through our souls
that way it's no longer unnerving
it's comfortable and beautiful
the beauty of being nocturnal is one i wouldn't trade for anything
aspen wilde Jun 2022
if you knew it was coming
why is it such a shock to you

why do you scream out
when you taste the words
like blood and salt on your lip

internally, of course
because you have to stay strong
you have to survive for him

why do you beat your feet numb
and claw at your skin
so maybe they’ll notice that
you’re not alright

and when they notice
and comfort you
why do you cry and cry and cry
like the world’s ending

because the world is ending
these people are your world
your world is keeping them together
long enough for them to fall in love

but the reality is
they didn’t
they won’t
they’re not going to

however hard you try
you’re not good enough
you’re not doing enough

and even though you know
that it’s not your fault
it’s nothing to do with you

you can’t help feeling
that you could’ve done better
you could have saved their life together
while saving his and hers and your own

and you know you tried
you tried your hardest at times
most of the time

but the reality isn’t going away
she doesn’t love him
and he loves her
but it’s not enough

i love him and i love her
but how much longer
can i save their lives
i don’t really post poetry anymore ~ just words
aspen wilde Jun 2020
pretty tears guard my eyes
little jets of rainbows shoot when they fall
everything glistens, my face glows
crying is elegant they say.

fire burns my eyeballs
the hot lava turning my cheeks red
the world becomes icy, repelled by the heat
no, crying is raw.
aspen wilde Nov 2021
it's me isn't it?!
i speak -
i don't mean it -
i hold my tongue -
                                             are -
i say i'm sorry -
                           fault -
i walk away -
                               ­          i
            ­                                             apart
 ­                                              c
                     ­                        a
                           ­          k
 ­                                 r
                              ­                 n

can i apologise again?


i am the problem.
aspen wilde Jun 2020
my skin opens up effortlessly
revealing the source of life behind
it seeps through the cracks
revealing its secrets to my mind
the burning sensation tingles
finally letting me feel the pain
the streak of red like no other
finally showing the world i'm insane
the sense of release so rewarding
letting me relax inside my body
this may not seem so healthy to others, i'm
letting you know i truly am sorry
aspen wilde Jun 2021
i feel safe within the darkness
so when it's taken away
where can i feel safe
aspen wilde Oct 2020
like a hot air balloon, powered by fire
my life, is powered by my wire
it gets too short and i go pop
it gets too long and i just stop

you wanna know about the scars on my shoulder
they were caused by a compass
yeah, the one you draw maths with
i couldn't help it - i was crying too much
it was the only way the pain would stop
i can imagine a life without all the people
without all the egos
i think its somewhere i should live
but where would we go
where would we go

*also started off as a song*
aspen wilde Aug 2021
i often get asked
why i don't like selfies
i never say it but
i don't like them
because the person looking back at me
i don't recognise
aspen wilde Jul 2020
and i can't feel like myself,
i'm locked inside the world of,
somebody else.
where the walls feel like a box,
and this skin feels like a toxin
to me.

i wanna be free
song lyrics, but sounded poetic enough to post :)
aspen wilde Jul 2021
there are days when all i can do is exist
while desperately trying not to;
there are days when all i can think is bliss
because the silence has drawn to

there are moments when the world has
gone dark inside my head;
there are moments when the room has
started spinning with dread

sometimes all i can do is
try to exist
but whether that works or not is
forever shrouded in mist
aspen wilde Jun 2020
i tell everyone else to love themselves
and tell them they're worth it
but what about me?
forever talking people down off ledges
just pushes me off faster

i don't feel like i'm falling anymore
i feel like i'm dead
too far gone to save
what does that make me?
inside there's just a little girl waiting to be loved
... not by anyone else

... just by herself
aspen wilde May 2022
i have felt
like      this  

that my being
and          existence
of life

does attack and
physically                 p a i n

"we are such stuff
that             dreams
are made on"

but no-one says
that these                    d r e a m s
can go bad
aspen wilde Nov 2021
when you need to cry
the tears won’t come
aspen wilde May 2022
that moment
when you realise
you don’t want to
**** yourself
- you want to
**** the version of
you now
aspen wilde Dec 2021
each year the
christmas spirit
dies a bit

and this year
it killed us a-
-long with it
christmas brings families together

it also destroys them

it is always this time of the year that things go wrong

the magic of christmas is an illusion
this year, do yourself a favour, and face the reality

if you don’t, it will one day catch up to you
and i’ll be sorry for you when that time comes
aspen wilde Oct 2021
would i even recognise myself
without all these accessories,
layers upon layers of mere tissue paper
that crumples under the softest touch
am i a bad person for dressing up, and wearing rings, and caring what others think of me
is the real reason i do it all just for attention
am i an attention seeker??
aspen wilde Jun 2020
i don't want to let you down
i think i try but it's in my head
you don't have to forgive me
but you do
i'm sorry i let you down
i want to help, really it's true
but don't cut me slack
because it's undeserved
and you shall want it back
when you see me
aspen wilde Mar 2022
i have no ******* emotions left
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