nearly a month later ~ you can do this
these a-levels are for her also

never give up

4:48- credit to Sarah Kane's beautifully erratic play, provoking these emotions to come alive in my thoughts

sometimes i get sad and want to hide away forever, i don’t know why but it happens quite often. usually i have a different way of dealing with it, but if i don’t do anything i end up hiding in myself and if that happens for too long i eventually get lost and completely shut down. i didn’t want that to happen so today when i woke up feeling sad and hollow i hid physically in a corner of my room, so i didn’t shutdown on the inside, which was bound to happen. i couldn’t tell you this earlier because i didn’t want to let you down and disappoint you, because it’s ungrateful, how can i be sad when i have everything. i can’t help it and i don’t know why. you don’t know it but you keep me alive. you’ve saved my life so many times without realising. these are all the things i should have told you before, but i couldn’t. because i know that when you find out you will be disappointed in me and i couldn’t live to see that disappointment on your face, i’ve seen it too many times, and this would be the end of me. i should have told you this because maybe then you wouldn’t have left, maybe you would still be here and everything would be ok. if this is because of me and how distant i am, i’m sorry, i truly am. i am a coward. something you’ve probably already figured out, but i’m an emotional coward too, and i’m sorry for how it has affected you and what it has stopped me from telling you. i don’t know what’s going to happen now, but i love you, i always will. “you saved my life, why couldn’t i save yours” that’s from all the bright places, my favourite book. you did save my life and you told me once that i did save yours, but now you’re gone so i don’t think i did a good enough job. when you said those words i knew then that it was my duty to keep you alive, to keep you from drowning just as you had me, without knowing it. but i failed you and i truly am sorry. i can’t see any sort of life past now, it’s blurry and i don’t know what that’s telling me. but whatever happens, i love you and i’m sorry, i should’ve tried harder. “when the person who’s keeping you alive leaves, what happens to you now” that’s me, these are the words i can’t stop hearing since you walked out the door. i wish i had told you these things and i wish that it’s not too late. but i know that if you ever do come back i will be too scared to say these things out loud, because i am a coward and couldn’t handle your disappointment in me. you’re right, you’ve always been right, i’m a taker and i always have been. i have so much, everything, i have no right to be sad im sorry. i love you and i really hope this isn’t goodbye. i love you more than u could ever know. thank you for saving my life.

i wrote this after you left, after you walked through the door and undid all the promises you made about never leaving.

what did i miss when i was gone.
you were leaving and now your here.
what did she say, what did she do.
what did you say, what did you do.
am i expected to suddenly be ok
that you were ready to die and i was ready to die too.

you’re my parents, you don’t realise but you’re pushing me further into myself and one day i won’t be able to come back

you’ve just told someone who’s already suicidal that there is no hope. how do you think i feel


because i can only scream in silence.

i can't imagine what the sting felt like,
although i've felt it
so many times before.

i feel lost without it,
like it has it's place on my skin
and deserves to be there.

i do want it back,
i ache for it deeply
to pierce me again.

please give me the strength to bring it back.

pre panic attack

you once were so innocent
though now stained with red.
i took your life from you
like you itch to take mine from me.

- credit to Sylvia Plath for the red army reference
-- see 'Cut'

the beauty of being nocturnal is one i wouldn't trade for anything

i don’t really post poetry anymore ~ just words

i am the problem.

song lyrics, but sounded poetic enough to post :)

forever

christmas brings families together

it also destroys them

it is always this time of the year that things go wrong

the magic of christmas is an illusion
this year, do yourself a favour, and face the reality

if you don’t, it will one day catch up to you
and i’ll be sorry for you when that time comes

am i a bad person for dressing up, and wearing rings, and caring what others think of me
is the real reason i do it all just for attention
am i an attention seeker??