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Reese Jul 6
You know I feel like ****
Not complete **** just ****
I also know it's my fault
Slowing down on my meds
Not stopping
Just taking less than perscribed
I do it to stay focused
It's either Focused and depressed
Or happy and all over the place
People like me more focused
I'm less annoying
I'm more bearable
But more depressed
Luckily
Sadly
Thankfully
They can't see that part
It's this or Happy
But then I can't focus
I get bad grades
I annoy and **** people off
People don't like me
The only person who does is me
But why
Why do the drugs have to be 1 or the other
They cancel each other out
So it's focused or depressed
Or a little of both
I feel like I should be more focused during Lancers [marching band]
But then I'm more depressed
And while I feel like ****
I also feel that
I Deserve It
I am a better person while depressed
I can help those in the same situation better
I can help others more
If I'm happy
It is Not fair
I feel like a failure to those I've told about my mental health
I told them I'm depressed but then I'm not
Am I a liar?
Am I a failure?
...
Well that one's easy of course
I'm a failure either way.
When I'm happy I feel like a liar
When I'm happy I feel like a liar
When I'm happy
....
I feel like a liar
A ******* discrase
Who am I to say I have depression when I'm happy?
It's not fair
What about all those who don't feel the way I do with the same past
When They are on drugs
What if they can't get those drugs?
How's that ******* fair?
How?

I want to live
But if I live, I hurt
If I hurt do I deserve to live?
They only care for you when you say your going to **** yourself
What about if you aren't there Yet
At THAT moment
Then what are you?
Invisible....

And why are there so many of us so ******* depressed?
Just stop it please
Give me the pain of everyone and let me suffer by not killing myself
But suffering with it while alive
To eliminate everyones depression
It NEEDS TO END...
Please
Just stop

But not for me
For everyone else

When I'm happy I feel like a liar.
When I'm happy I feel like a liar.
When I'm happy I feel like a liar.
When I'm happy I feel like a liar.
When I'm happy I feel like a liar.
When I'm happy I feel like a liar.
When I'm happy I feel like a liar.
When I'm happy I feel like a liar.
Why
Why
Why
Why
Why
....
....
....
....
....
....
....
...

..


..
­
..


.
what do I do
blackbiird Jun 6
how could You
love something
so selfish
and

broken
and
confused

and
undeserving?

how could You love a sinner
like me?

But I suppose
That’s what The Cross is for.
Tierramxrie May 6
You have a good woman
Who did any and everything
For you.
It’s such a waste of her time.
It’s such a waste of her effort.
I couldn’t see before but I understand
Why you don’t deserve her.
muteD Dec 2018
remembering
how we used to be
back when
I couldn't breathe
call me breathless
bc you were breathtaking
and mine .

you were like a rose .
beautiful yet dangerous
with thorns tipped w poison .
grew up through a crack in the cement ,
felt nothing but continual abandonment
and an ache
for something you know nothing about .

maybe you were more like an onion .
each time you pull back a layer ,
there's always another
in its place .
had heart of ice ,
one I tried to unthaw .
I wiped your surface ,
and it just froze back over
immediately after .

an imperfect flaw of perfection .
someone in need of affection ,
commitment , attention and direction
you are someone
who would've died
saving me .

and that just can't be .
"I like it. The first and second paragraph (stanza) make me think of my ex."-SB
Marii Nov 2018
The music blares
And I'm stuck between bodies
Pasted together from all the perspiration,
That's when I burn from your stare

Enveloped by blue seriousness
And the crease of your frown,
You want to smile,
And something in me
Is convinced of your earnestness

I peep back with a little bit of uncertainty,
A little bit of desire

Why would you need to peer at me?

An eon of futuristic images shine in my eyes,
It's so easy to see happiness,
To feel warmth
To smell coffee next to you in the morning

But I know you don't deserve me...

You deserve more than ill health,
More than self-pity,
More than anxious worrying

So that's why
When the music blares
And I'm stuck between bodies
Pasted together from all the perspiration,
And I burn from your stare,
That I never look at you
Because I know you should save your stares for someone who you might appreciate more.
Heather Ann Oct 2018
where do i end and you begin?
in the grasp, you hold me in,
when i am merely a summer breeze
or a kiss of death.
what am i to you,
if nothing more than
crashing symphonies
playing tone-deaf melodies?
i am entirely unto you,
bound to your grace
where i am held, hostage;
in the belief that if you kiss my poisonous lips
and seek refuge
where i do not deserve
such a happily ever after
but a gravestone next to yours.
C Solace Jun 2018
As if walking down a dark staircase,
  every step forward gives way to uncertainty.
Downward, tripping upon my thoughts
  feeling less, and less likely to feel the sunshine again.

It’s the smell of decay, rotted souls, & tortured hearts
  smothered dreams, forgotten hopes, among all the lies.
Broken hearts left in its wake, like the skulls upon Golgotha,
  condemned for their crimes.

That darkened staircase has become damped by tears,
  fear as taken over, with its siren-like call into the unknown.
Crashing like waves, an undertow of raw emotions,
  my demise now bellows from the locker below.

I’ve created this fable, where the plot twist is all to real
  only to assume its identity in ghostly winds.
Loneliness, my old friend
  my true undoing.

Sun rises and falls, day after day, It does not change
  so will it ever get better with the dawn?
Do the monsters I've brought to be, ever vanish into the darkness, forever?
  For I know I’m not alone, no matter how I feel.

HE walks along side me lovingly, waiting for my less than faithful cries.
  Unconditional, Unconventional, Unrelenting Love
No matter my feebleness, my flaws, my imperfect human form,
   Forever will HE make good on his promises to me.
A poem based upon personal struggles with depression & its influence upon my faith.
Rox Jun 2018
Underneath my skin, in a corridor of void occupation
I am blindfolded, threaded along the tracks of my mind for yet another time.
Blisslessly awake, and I wanted to disclose to you;

   It's felt like days since I knew you.

Never took you in to be a collection of pages, raveled with things gone unspoken.
I was always so curious of you and the letterings scripted across you
and I'm sorry that at the time, my eyes were so weary
lacking a voice of clarity, to speak to you with the words that you've so deserved.

the pictures in your eyes were something that always sent me to another place entirely,
sailing alongside you, a snowglobe that had passed through to the summers.
You, just as those golden linings in the clouds saw it fit to decorate my memories, your reveries
always evoking me towards a warmth that I held so dearly.

I never noticed that you were thorned, just as I.
And so things went amiss quite fast, just as they came
Hesitating too much to let myself fall forwards, together with you,
sense veiled with all the things that were tethered to my spirit.
Living in between the sobriety of this circumstance and the fingerprints that were left behind.
within the tides

   it had felt like I'd known you.

Swimming, while we dreamt of flying together. To the moon and back.
Later do I remember the horizon, the water below me gleaming, beaming down to the things I thought I'd known.
but by then, all that I had besides me were those obscured stars
and I realised that the sky wasn't all that bright without you,

   and it had been forever since I knew you.

The elapse of time, evading these clocks of mine.
Little porclain angels whispering to me from afar,
without a trace of my voice remaining.
As those pages of yours go on without me,
As the blossums continue to fall for you,
in the distance


And I didn't know,
how someone like me
could ever know
someone like you.
(what I wish I could've)
Amanda Apr 2018
What did I do to deserve you?
Never-ceasing love for me,
The courage it took to say those
Three silly words confidently.

No. I am sure I do not.
Don't cover the desperate truth,
I have no reason or motive to lie,
You think my words are untruth.

Honesty hurts both of us,
No. The stubborn word stuck in my mind,
My own voice repeating two letters
Constantly playing on rewind.

This is how things have to be,
I thought you should know,
How awesome and amazing you are,
I lack those traits, so my answer is no.

You do not care if I am perfect,
You feel the exact opposite as I do,
To know you think you don't deserve me,
Has me laughing and appreciating you.

I smile while I fall asleep,
You must be there in my dreams,
Our minds work so differently,
Mine houses worry, yours holds schemes.
Another oldie, from middle school, whats crazy is that even 8 later I still suffer from the same self esteem issues.
Navahopi119 Jan 2018
I sit here in the dark,
     the emptiness that
     envelopes me.
                         There is but one question,
                                  one meaning and purpose,
                                  one that I can't fathom.
          Through my life, this simple,
                   inadequate life
                   there are things I've done.
                                                 I've hurt people, torment,
                                                           through my explosion of
                                                            expr­ession, Anger... Silence
               I know I've hurt you,
                         as painful as that is
                         to reflect.
  Yet, through it all,
          you're still here,
          withstand, ever present.
      No matter what explosion,
               what outburst I apply,
                here you are... Why.
                                                            ­        You say it's out of love,
                                                           ­                    you say that no matter,
                                                         ­                      no matter what... Love
                                          I've pushed, I've prodded,
                                                     pushing buttons, breaking barriers,
                                                     when I shouldn't...
                                               I don't mean to hurt you,
                                                      I never do, I never did,
                                                      But still you comfort... calm.
                        No matter the pain,
                                 the pain that I've caused,
                                 here you are, caring, loving.
                                                         ­     I know that you could do better,
                                                         ­         better than what I offer
                                                           ­       a seemingly endless barrage..
   Why? Why do you stay,
               stay in the place of endless,
               endless pain... Why?
                                               Is this the love everyone speaks of,
                                                       if so, why am I,
                                                       why am I so ashamed, undeserving.
                          I try to push you away,
                                  because I know I...
                                  I hurt you, yet you stay.
                                      I love you, but I don't,
                                             I don't want you to hurt,
                                             not anymore, let me leave... Please
But no, you won't let me,
         you continue to love,
         a love that is so... undeserving.
   You've done so much,
               so much love, but why...
               why do you put yourself... in pain?
                                                 I don't think that I can,
                                                            ­I don't think that I can
                                                            e­ver make you happy, ever again
                                      Yet you smile, a smile so
                                                    full of love, patience
                                                    an understanding that I can't accept.
         I ponder and I question,
                   no matter how I drag it out...
                   Why are you still here?... here with me...
-Navahopi119
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