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4.4k · Feb 2018
lonely
little lion Feb 2018
sleepless nights
sleepless night
sleepless nigh
sleepless nig
sleepless ni
sleepless n
sleepless
sleeples
sleeple
sleepl
sleep
slee
sle
sl
s
sl
sle
sl­ee
sleep
sleepi
sleepin
sleeping
sleeping a
sleeping al
sleeping alo
sleeping alon
sleeping alone
sleeping alone.
3.3k · Dec 2021
"time heals all wounds"
little lion Dec 2021
it took ten months for me to look in the mirror
and see the victim that I was always destined to be.

six months ago, I ran from that girl,
from the abuse and the pain and the deceit that she believed to be an unfinished fairytale.

why is it that six months later I still long
for the touch of the woman
that used the very same hands that one loved me
to throw my heart against the closest wall
and shatter it with no hesitation?

why is it that six months later I still have yet to part with the gifts given to me,
not out of love she had for me,
but relief that there was someone filling the gap between her living room couch and the bed her girlfriend occupied upstairs alone?

why is it that six months later I still justify the harsh words, the physical blows, the betrayal as what I deserved
for making her unfaithful
to a girl who was no longer her first,
and only,
love?
a girl that will someday soon be walking down the aisle and saying "i do" to the woman who spent many of her days planning a second future,
not with her,
but with me.


six months later and I still see me, a victim, reflected in my mirror

and I miss her.
2.6k · Nov 2021
wounded
little lion Nov 2021
you kissed the ****** scars
that adorned my fingertips,

only to shatter the heart you helped to repair, then leave me to pick up the broken pieces once again.

.

In seven years,
my body will be one that is
untouched by you...

but my heart may not be so lucky.
I never asked you to.
little lion Jul 2022
you are my favorite part of my mornings,

and the hardest part of my nights.




Maybe someday,
I can brew enough
for two.
I long to spend my days with you.
2.0k · Jun 2022
today.
little lion Jun 2022
as a woman,
as a lesbian,
as a teacher,
as a victim...


I have never been more afraid.
1.7k · Feb 2021
Aching
little lion Feb 2021
I have taught myself to believe that everything happens for a reason... how else am I supposed to cope with the endless, torturous hurt that barrels through my body day after day,
wearing down my bones the way
trains begin to wear down their tracks;
the piercing shriek of the wheels spinning against
the push of the brakes mimicking the
cry of my legs struggling to hold up the
nineteen year's worth of
trauma and heartache and exhaustion
threatening to come tumbling down onto
the tracks while my
heart is forced to stare helplessly on,
an innocent bystander
to the impending tragedy that will
forever scar her for life as she is
forced to watch me lose mine?
There has to be a reason
1.5k · Jul 2022
my strength is not a gift
little lion Jul 2022
but a scar;
marring the freckled skin of my arms
&
the dips and valleys of my thighs.

an unhealed wound that
echos in the cavern
surrounding the pieces of my heart
that lay scattered along the shore
of my spirit.

each day glides across my skin
like a knife,
cutting deeper and deeper
into the depths of my body,
bringing nothing but sorrow, pain,
and the whispered words:

"be strong."
My spirit is empty and my body aches.
little lion Aug 2021
I have not gotten more than four hours of sleep a night in over two years,
with the single exception being the time you held me to you, moulded me to your body and let me settle, perfectly fit against you like clay.
My only reprieve was your presence beside me that night.

But as you were my reprieve, I was your escape.
A temporary solution to a long-term problem that you were not yet ready to address:
the weight of it remained in the shadows of that night
and the days that followed,
the weeks we spent together
and the nights I longed to be cradled against you once more.

I ignored it the way one ignores an expiration date... hesitantly paying attention at first, then slowly becoming secure in the false-hope that maybe that day will never come,
that things will simply last forever.

youmouldedthepartsofmethatyouneededtofillyourcracksthen­broketherestofmeonceyouwerefixed.

It's been 54 days since we last spoke,
7 months since we last embraced,
9 months since we last kissed,
353 days since that night.


It's been over 730 days since I last slept,
and 353 days since I woke up to a life I wanted to live.

I wish you had been a dream...
I cannot keep living this nightmare.
I thought I was getting over her, but the loneliness of last night proved just how much she ruined me.
1.4k · Jan 2018
not contagious
little lion Jan 2018
i am not the kind of sick
that leaves the body flushed
at 104 degrees
in the middle of the winter.

                                                               ­                  i am not the kind of sick
                                                            ­                         that causes every breath
                                                          ­          to force
                                                           ­         its way

                                                               ­    back up

                                                             yo­ur throat
                                                          ­             while dragging razor blades
along the inside of your neck.

                       i am not even the kind of sick
                       that comes with a vaccination
                                  or an antibiotic
                            that will chase it away.
no.
                                                                ­                          i am the kind of sick
that leaves you locked in
the bathroom during class
because you can't seem to stop the
             flow of tears
                       running
                               down
                                     your face.

i am the kind of sick
that leaves your hands
sweating
and your voice
shaking
when it's your turn to order dinner
at the diner you've been to
a thousand times.
                                            
                                             i am the kind of sick
                                         that leaves you feeling

l o n e l y
                                              in a crowded room
                                           filled with the people you've
                                           known your whole life.

i am the kind of sick                                                                  ­                                that nobody sees
                                        because it's all in my head
                                      and cannot be cured.
mental health is just as important as physical health. take care of yourself.
1.1k · Feb 2021
Fishbowl
little lion Feb 2021
My life has become a bit like a fishbowl:
the glass is thick and durable, it's supposed to
be smudge-proof, but you never fail to leave your finger-
prints behind. There are rocks at the bottom, a blend of neons:
blue and orange and pink and green and yellow, painted with the
cheap kind of paint that eventually chips away and gathers at the tip-top of the water...always mixing in with the the flimsy food flakes you toss in at mealtimes before watching with disinterested fascination as I swim to the top and sort through what's edible and what's not, as if the food is much better than the chips of paint and the dust bites that gather after a few days of sitting on the counter. My bowl stays in the sun as though the pink and purple fake plants you've given me require time spent in
the light to grow and prosper, although it is fun to check every
now and then to see how much you really care when I let
myself drift to the top of the water to bask in the glow
of either the sun or the artificial lamp that's been
placed next to my bowl. Some nights you
forget to turn it off, but I don't mind
so much because at least then I
can watch over you at night
the way you watch over
her, instead of me.
1.1k · Aug 2021
one wish
little lion Aug 2021
where can I find a place
that will soften my hardened heart
without disrupting the healing
that has only just begun?
1.1k · Oct 2020
self sabotage
little lion Oct 2020
I knew from the ******* start
it would go no further than what it was.
There would be no dates,
no hand-holding,
no declarations of love while sitting under a beautiful sunset at 7:02pm on a Sunday.

Those things are her's,
have been her's for seven years
and probably will be for seven more.

But **** did you make it seem as though
I was worthy of those things,
that I could hold your hand,
and take you on dates,
and tell you that I love you under a beautiful sunset at 7:02pm on a Sunday.

And **** did it hurt, **** does it hurt that
you gave me something so new, something so strong that I forgot what I knew from the ******* start:

you can never love me. you don't want to love me. you WILL never love me.

I was just for fun,
but she's for forever.
I knew I couldn't do casual, and I ended up exactly where I knew I would if I tried.
1.0k · Dec 2017
The Truth
little lion Dec 2017
I think the saddest part of growing older
is watching everyone else find happiness
in the places that you spent years searching through
and came up empty handed
every
single
time.
1.0k · Jul 2022
reminder.
little lion Jul 2022
you are not obligated to do anything for anyone that makes you feel like less than yourself.
you owe them nothing
892 · Jan 2021
ambition.
little lion Jan 2021
someday,
I will be worthy of the
same love
that I bestow onto others.

someday,
I will harbor the
same strength
that I give to others.

someday,
I will feel the
same joy
that I manifest for others.


but until that day,
I will wipe the
same tears,
dry the
same eyes,
bear the
same burden,
and carry on.
892 · Jun 2021
absence
little lion Jun 2021
I had hoped you'd grow fonder,
but instead you've gone farther away.


I wish you'd come back to me.
I miss what we could have been.
874 · Dec 2017
Tremors
little lion Dec 2017
everytime a shiver goes up my spine
I can’t help but remember your touch;
the way your fingers laced together against the curve of my back
                                                            ­            while you molded your lips
                                                                     against mine, fusing my skin to yours.

everytime I see you
I see the smile that I fell in love with
and the pool of lust in your eyes


                                    that was enough to bring
                                    me to my knees
                                    before you.

hearing your name brings me back
to our midnight conversations
in the dark,
back when                                                             love was kind                  
                                          ­           and your words planted flowers in my veins

every breath
reminds me that
after everything
                                                 I was not enough
                                             to satisfy your hunger,
that the taste of your lips
was the taste of a
desire so stale
that it could
****
me


now I lay awake
crying in the dark,
wishing for your lips
against mine.
                                                         I just want to die.
just kiss me,
just
****
me...
845 · Feb 2021
untitled
little lion Feb 2021
I don't want to love you anymore.
but how am I supposed to make myself fall out of love
with the one who taught me
what love really feels like?
829 · Jan 2022
authenticity
little lion Jan 2022
there is a happiness that blooms
life sunflowers in a field,
like fireworks exploding in the sky,
like birds spreading their wings
and teaching their babies to fly.

but there is a darkness that looms
like a storm brewing above,
like a tornado's spinning eye,
like the moon sinking below the clouds
like a mother's mourning cry.

we cannot have life without death,
sun without rain,
there is no warmth without chill,
no love without pain.
766 · Mar 2021
reflection
little lion Mar 2021
I will shatter the mirrors
that reflect me as anything other than
the strong woman
I am becoming.
I am stronger than the demons that try to consume me
750 · Mar 2021
lesson
little lion Mar 2021
we're taught the dangers of drugs, told that
"it only takes one."
one drink, one hit, one choice,
as though it's the single poisonous flower out of a beautiful bouquet.

given the choice between a living rose with thorns or
an entire artificial arrangement,
the risk of bleeding will outweigh the everlasting disappointment of the fabricated beauty
every
single
time.
739 · Dec 2023
windows
little lion Dec 2023
there is nothing quite like the devastation
of seeing yourself reflected in a window
that looks in on a happiness
that is not your own.
my heart feels like it's choking
little lion Mar 2022
nowadays, I cannot tell which is worse:
the pain I felt knowing that one day I would lose you,
or the pain I feel now that you're gone.
.
.
.
.
.
.
pain is the only thing you've left me with,
but I am scared to let it go...
it's the only part of me that you will never get to know.
I wish I had never loved you
little lion Dec 2017
I feel like I’m underwater;
I’m drowning in the dark.
Shaking and screaming
as the water fills my lungs.

I’m drowning in the dark,
alone and afraid.
Kicking and screaming
Against the icy water.

Alone and afraid
I long for your touch
against the icy water
to keep me warm.

I long for your touch,
caressing my skin
to keep me warm
while my body goes numb.

Caressing my skin,
the darkness wraps around me.
While my body goes numb,
my mind fills with fear.

The darkness wraps around me--
shaking and screaming,
my mind fills with fear.
I feel like I’m underwater.
little lion Mar 2021
No. No, I'm not.
Those words should warm my heart but instead they just fill me with dread and despair,
I want to be loved,
I want to be waited for,
I want to be wanted,
but not by you.

"Stop making me fall for you."
I'm trying. I don't want you to fall,
but you're plummeting towards the ground at 100 miles an hour and I will not be there to catch you.
I don't want you to love me,
I don't want you to wait for me,
I don't want you to want me,
but I don't want to break your heart.

"I can't wait for the future."
But I'm still hung up in my past.
I want to get married,
I want to have children,
I want to grow older,
but not with you by my side.

"Honesty could never hurt me, you can't hurt my feelings."
But I can break your heart.
You've given me everything I need to shatter it into two,
three,
four million pieces.
but what kind of person would that make me, to break something so fragile?


I will never grow to love you,
no matter how long you wait.
I don't want to break your heart, but keep pushing
and it might end up being too late.
711 · Sep 2022
point me.
little lion Sep 2022
where do you go

when you need to escape yourself?
somebody please help me.
677 · Jan 2021
Expenses
little lion Jan 2021
Is there really such a thing as "free time?"
How can there be, when an hour spent practicing "self care" costs two hours of frantic writing and googling to finish an assignment due that very same day,
when a day taken off of work costs two days worth of unpaid overtime to catch up on the overload,
when a week spent recovering from another plunge into depression costs two more to find any semblance of order again.

When did it become shameful to "stop and smell the roses?" When did we stop encouraging "family time" and start encouraging forty-hour work weeks? When did "taking a break" become synonymous with "being lazy" and "hard work" become synonymous with "overworking?"

If making ends meet costs us our time,
then what's the price of Happiness?
Sustaining a life shouldn't be this hard.
670 · Jul 2021
gone
little lion Jul 2021
I knew leaving was the right choice
when you couldn't even be bothered to say goodbye.


I suppose your silence tells me everything I need to know.

I hope they're worth it.
665 · Jul 2022
resonating thought #11
little lion Jul 2022
I wish that the cost of my resilience
could have been anything other than
my happiness.
I am so very tired.
little lion Dec 2020
wordswordswordswordswordswordswords flood my brain when I see you;
words of thanks,
words of care,
words of love...
but every time I see you, those words are blocked by the dam of thoughtsthoughtsthoughtsthoughtsthoughtsthoughtsthoughts of the past;
thoughts of our afternoons spent together,
thoughts of our plans and promises,
thoughts of us.
then my smile quickly fades once I start to remember the painpainpainpainpainpainpain that it caused...
the pain of the lies,
the pain of the longing,
the pain of knowing that those words, those thoughts, this pain is the only part of you that will ever be mine.
I'm trying so hard to convince myself that I'm over it, but there's still some of me that misses what we shared...
632 · Apr 2021
"always"
little lion Apr 2021
I hope that you choke on the promises that you made me.
Every word,
every plan,
every reassurance that you'd always be there,
every claim that I was yours and yours alone,
I hope that they suffocate you the way that your misplaced love sits on my lungs like a brick, sinking deeper and deeper into my soul with every breath I take and every beat of my heart.

I'll miss you always,
I'll want you always...

but I might just hate you always, too.
**** I know I can't have her and I know she doesn't want me but there's nothing I wouldn't give to be hers.
631 · Jan 2018
you
little lion Jan 2018
you
his kisses will never compare to the feeling of
your
lips brushing against my skin while
your
hands tangle themselves in my hair.

my name will never roll off of his tongue like it rolls off of
yours
when my body is molded against
yours
in the dark.

his touch will not send shivers down my spine the way
yours
always does when my hand is held by
yours
as we walk.


i’ll never love him the way i loved                                                                  ­  
you...
the way I still love                                                                        ­                      
you.

  

maybe his love for me won’t fade away like                      
yours                                 ­                     
did after you met                                            
her...
Even after everything he did, I can’t help but love him...
607 · Nov 2020
back to before
little lion Nov 2020
It's nights like these that make feelings of regret creep out of the shadows,
they come in through the cracks in the walls and the space beneath the door and crawl into the crevices in my bones and the pockets of space in my heart that used to be filled by you.

I wrap myself in the words you used to say, reread the messages you used to write and surround myself with the gifts you used to send back when I thought I was special...
back when you made me feel special.

It's nights like these when I can't help but imagine how much warmer I would be if I was in your arms, how much easier I would sleep knowing that I'd be waking up to you: your smile, your jokes, your touch...

But instead of sleeping, my mind continues to replay the moments,
the days,
the weeks,
the weeks and the ******* the months that led to this point, my mind is stuck trying to decipher where things went wrong and trying to determine how we got here and trying to find a way to ask "can we go back?"



I want to go back.
606 · Feb 2021
resonating thought #4
little lion Feb 2021
You held me through the night the way I always imagined a lover would.
And nothing hurts me more than the knowledge
that you did not hold me out of love,
but out of habit;
because for seven years,
you've been holding her
the very same way.
I've never slept as soundly as I did when I was in your arms. I wish that I was yours to hold.
600 · Feb 2023
domestic
little lion Feb 2023
your shoes next to mine on the rack,
our toothbrushes in the same cup,
the way I know your coffee order
without even having to ask.


sadly,
the good things never last.
595 · Nov 2020
counting
little lion Nov 2020
how many drinks does it take
to reach a clarity that will last
through the buzz?
how many until I wake up
feeling the same euphoria
that I thought I could only feel
when I was with you?
the one that made happiness thrum in my veins and a smile blinding like sunlight stretch across my face,
how do I get that without you?
I still sleep with your sweatshirt.
little lion Aug 2022
"I haven't slept well recently. I keep worrying about you," she said to me.

as if she isn't responsible for making me
the type of person
others worry about,

as if she hasn't spent years fueling my nightmares
and taking them out of the dark
and into the daytime,

as if she hasn't spent the last 10 years sleeping
comfortably...

"Well, yeah," I replied. "I've spent the last 10 years worrying about me, too.
It was nice of you to join me, for once."
It's been three years self I slept through the night on my own,
but it's been 10 years since I've even felt safe on my own.
573 · Feb 2021
resonating thought #3
little lion Feb 2021
I can feel myself returning
back to that same spot:
yours, in everything but title.

yet I can't stop myself from hoping and dreaming and praying that
maybe this time
you'll be mine, too.
even though I know you never will be.
I was a fool to think I could ever talk myself out of loving you.
537 · Oct 2020
out
little lion Oct 2020
out
I want to come out.
I want to walk out and slam the door behind me
with whatever variation of a rainbow flag
billowing in the wind as I walk past.

I want to be out.
I want to be me and do so shamelessly
without fear of judgement or dislike
from people who may disagree

I wish I was out.
But I don't even know what I am
I want be yours and yours alone,
but there's no flag for that

I wish I was yours...
you have my mind and body and soul
but I'm just here on the side,
because you are still hers.
I wish you would choose me.
517 · Dec 2022
understood
little lion Dec 2022
i'd stopped writing poetry
when i first met you...
i didn't need to anymore.



it's been a year now
and all i need is you.

but it's been so long that i've forgotten how to write.
please just love me
505 · Feb 2021
resonating thought #5
little lion Feb 2021
I can feel us drifting...
how far
until I can't reach you anymore?
I never want to lose you.
491 · Apr 2021
ghost
little lion Apr 2021
I hope that when I walk away,
you'll understand that I am leaving
not to hurt you,
but to save myself
from being hurt by you.
I don't want to love you.
487 · Feb 2021
change
little lion Feb 2021
It's funny how the things that used to hurt you
become distant memories
and silly jokes
once you realize that they were never meant to
do any more more than
hurt you.

Sometimes I try to count
just how many tears I wasted,
just how many times I desired to
take my life
over the things that gave me the strength
to face the life I'm living today.

How does one count the cracks in their heart?
I use the scars on my body.
They have faded over the years,
but it's less about the number
and more about the memories:
which ones were supposed to inflict pain,
and which were meant to be an escape?

Maybe someday I'll throw away the keepsakes,
the boxes under my bed filled with my first real heartbreak,
the clothes shared throughout my second,
the pictures taken to scrapbook my third,
and the gifts and letters that hopefully won't become symbols of my fourth.
461 · Jan 2018
insomnia
little lion Jan 2018
I
   Am
        So
           Tired
                Of
                    The
                        Memories
                            Of
                               You
They
      Haunt
            My
                Dreams
                     And
                        Turn
                            Them
                                  Into
                                       Nightmares.
I hate sleeping alone because there’s nobody to distract me from you
460 · Nov 2021
repurposing
little lion Nov 2021
My role in this life seems to be the
deuteragonist:
"a constant companion to the protagonist or someone who continues actively aiding a protagonist."
All I wish for myself is the love, happiness and success that I have devoted my past, present, and future to helping other people obtain.

I suppose that,
only the protagonist gets to make a wish
that comes true.
I wish I deserved to be loved.
little lion Jan 2018
my innocence.
stolen away...
twelve years old and desperate for
the love of a boy,
too naïve to know
the difference between
love
and
lust.

my first kiss,
taken from me by a
man
who filled my throat with
drugs and
darkness,
his lips coaxing shivers of pleasure
out of my twelve year old body,
mistaking my whimpers of terror
as pleas
for more.

he took me upstairs,
for my legs no longer worked,
amputated by the drugs he filled me with,
my brain was numb
to his touch,
and it was over
before my mind had even begun
to process the
fear
and
vulnerability
that should have filled my body
in place of his
lust
and
desire.

it’s gone,
ripped
stolen
erased
from my mind and my body.
the drugs rid me of the memories
but left behind the ghost
of his touch
to come and play
in the night.
nobody will ever know what he did. I can’t even remember who he was.
432 · Jan 2018
end of a revolution
little lion Jan 2018
Each morning she took two pills with her breakfast. Both were little capsules, the first one a nasty tan color and the second half white and half blue. They went down easy, followed by a glass of water before the bottles were placed back on the shelf for the next day.
One is for the anxiety, the other is for the depression. She takes them dutifully every day, for without them she is plagued with the kind of darkness that makes your blood run cold and the walls feel like they’re beginning to swallow you inside.
But with them, it is not much brighter. The words of her mother and the insults from her father follow her through the light, casting a shadow that trails behind her. The C- on her math test and the glares from her friends feed the darkness. Each step grows heavier as the shadow grows larger and stronger.
He climbs up onto her shoulders in order to reach the high expectations and the pressure that she stands under each day. They weigh him down, which weighs her down, which leaves her dragging her feet along the pavement while begging for the sweet relief that those stupid orange bottles swear they hold.
The shadow claims her in the night, pounding away at her walls, drawing whimpers and sobs from her lips. The pain is masked by the pleasure he brings her, which is masked by her relief when she wakes up alone the next morning, and then the guilt when she finds him awaiting her presence at the kitchen table.
Two pills, followed by a glass of water and the shadow each morning. Her begging and pleading for him to leave her shatters her resolve, and one cold morning she begins to cry. She throws herself at the world, asking them to please save her from this man, save her from the pain and the fear and the darkness that’s been plaguing her for so long.
One word. Two letters. He swallows her whole.
One glass of water. Two empty bottles. Three numbers bring four sirens.
One sound. One line.
Time of death: 06:04 AM
An assignment from creative writing a couple months back...
426 · Jan 2021
resonating thought #2
little lion Jan 2021
there are millions of people that I have seen for the last time... but how many of them actually saw me?
415 · Feb 2020
Dust
little lion Feb 2020
This morning, the world woke up without me.
Daylight crested above the trees, where bird-songs filled the crisp winter air and squirrels began scurrying through frost-bitten yards.
                                                          ­                                Neighbors went about their day, putting children on school buses before bustling themselves to work. The mailman came and left, dropping off packages filled with useless purchases and magazine subscriptions that sit piled in corners, gathering dust.
Hallways filled with swarms of students eager for the final bell. Lockers slammed and classroom seats filled, my desk being the only one left empty
                                                           ­                               (second row from the front, farthest to the right or left, whichever was opposite of the door. Perfect view of the clock, the whiteboard, the teacher, and everyone who entered and exited the room.)
Emails went unanswered, books left unfinished, my room left untouched... a thin layer of dust began to collect atop my existence that went unnoticed.
                                                      ­                                  
Unnoticed by them, unnoticed by you.
You never noticed me, and you never will.
407 · Oct 2020
12 years of friendship
little lion Oct 2020
I never would have thought that you,
of all people,
would pull a vanishing act on me.

I guess I should have realized
after 12 years of second, third, fourth chances
that you're no different than the rest.
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